08x14 - Edith's Crisis of Faith (2)

[bunniefuu]

♪ I stepped out of a dream ♪

♪ I am too wonderful to me,
I seem ♪

Oh!

Oh!

You remember
Beverly La Salle, Mike.

Beverly? Gee,
how are you?

I didn't recognize you
without your dress on.

Two guys were just mugged
down on the corner.

Now, I didn't see it,

but someone said
that one of the guys
looked like Mike.

Now, the cops and ambulance
are on their way.
[SIRENS APPROACHING]

Mike got mugged?
Yeah.

GLORIA:
What did you just say?

Don't tell them.

Mike got mugged.
[GROANS]

Are you also related
to Beverly La Salle?

Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us
that he's, uh...

I'm sorry.
He just d*ed.

I can't understand it.

I mean, everything was goin'
so good for him,

and then somebody
had to k*ll him.

Yeah, just because
he was different.

The way I feel today,

I may not
go to church...ever.

I really think that
somebody from the family

oughta kinda be there,

representing us
in front of God.

Why?

What good does it do?

Oh, Ma.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Smile!

Here we go!

It stuck its tongue
out again.

What are you
gonna do?

Okay, let's go
find a fire!

Here we go!
[IMITATES SIREN]

Here we go!
Here we go!

Okay, now on your way
back from the fire,

let me get
one more sh*t.

Okay, we're coming back
from the fire.

Your mother wants--

- Whoa!
- ...more pictures, see?

She wants to take a picture
of every minute of your life.

You'll see them all
when you grow up.

Oh, I think he's get--
Yeah, he's getting
a little sleepy, honey.

Yeah, why don't we
give him a nap?

He's been up since
: this morning, huh?

But don't you think
we should keep him up

till Ma and Daddy
get over here?

Gloria, your mother and father
are not coming over here.

Ma is very down
on Christmas this year.

I wish she'd
snap out of it.

It's keeping Daddy
away, too!

Yeah, well, every cloud
has a silver lining.

Michael!

ARCHIE: ♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride ♪

♪ In a somethin'
somethin' sleigh ♪

[TOGETHER]
We're here.

MIKE AND GLORIA:
Merry Christmas!

MIKE:
We'll be right down.

Oh, jeez,
look at your son-in-law,
the big ecologist there.

He's all against
cutting down trees,

but when he wants
a tree for himself,

he goes and kills
the biggest one
in the parking lot.

Let's leave our presents,
Archie, and go home.

Oh, no, no,
we can't do that, Edith.

Come on,
what do you mean, home?

We come over here--
come on, come on, come on.
This is Christmas.

No, I don't feel
like opening presents.

I ain't in the mood
to "ooh" and "ah".

Edith, Edith, Edith,
you know.

Come on, 'tis the season
to be jolly, you know?

Now, be jolly!

I wish I could,
but I can't.

Now, you listen to me, Edith.

You gotta get
over this Beverly business here.

Hey, look at it this way.

I mean, maybe she's lucky
that he lived as long
as she did.

What?

Well, you know what I mean.
This is New York,

and guys like Beverly--

I mean, they're
either getting mugged
by strangers

or they're getting m*rder*d
by close friends.

You see it
in the paper every day.

I mean, in New York, fags is--
uh, I mean...

[WHISPERS]
fags.

That's--that's what you call
an "ungendered" species.

And so, uh...
cheer up.

Oh, Edith, Edith,
come on, hon.

What do you want me to do?

I just want you to be
the same old Edith there.

Say something delightful,
huh?

Like you always say.

You know,
say the world is beautiful

and all's right
with the world.

God's taking care
of the world.

I don't think He cares.

Oh, come on, Edith.

The Lord could send down
a "thundervolt" there at you.

He could miss you, hit me.

- GLORIA: Merry Christmas,
Mom and Daddy.
- MIKE: Hey, folks.

MIKE: We're glad you made it.
Thought you weren't gonna come.

Merry Christmas, Ma.

Merry Christmas,
Daddy.

Merry Christmas
there--hold it.

- Here. Put 'er there.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Okay, come on.
We got the Merry Christmas
over.

I wanna see my grandson.
Bring on that kid.

Oh, I'm sorry.
He's sleeping.

He's sleeping at :
in the morning?

What is the child,
a wino?

Arch, he was up
since : this morning
playing with his toys.

He was exhausted.

But every time
I come over here,

the kid's either in bed
or in the bathtub
or on the pot.

You'll see him later,
okay?

Hey, come on.
Let's open up the presents.

Who should we open first?

Oh, what difference
does it make who first?

Is mine handy there?

Ma, uh, Daddy,

I want you to see
what Michael gave me
for Christmas

besides
my beautiful new watch.

Are you ready?
Ta-da.

Oh, jeez!

Don't be exposing yourself

in the living room,
dining room area here.

- Daddy, look.
It's beautiful.
- Oh, stop that.

Close your eyes,
Meathead.

Jeez, little girl.

Didn't I teach you
to be decent

and be ashamed
of your body?

Daddy, you blush
if I show you a bare arm.

Didn't you bathe me
when I was a baby?

Well, certainly,
but then everything
was small.

Hey, Ma.
Here's a present for you
from Gloria and me.

Why don't you open it up?

Oh, no, Mike.
Thank you. Not now.

- Come on, Ma.
- No, honey, forget it.

Ma, come in the kitchen.

We'll have a cup of coffee,
and we'll say vicious things
about the neighbors.

EDITH: Oh, Gloria.

Jeez, what the hell
am I gonna do about
this situation here?

Did you try talking to her?

Certainly
I tried talking to her.

I sat her down.
I held her hand,
and I looked her in the eye.

I said--I says,
"Edith, darling,

what is, is."

And then I said,
"Edith, darling,

what was...was."

And most important of all,

I said, "Edith, darling,

what's gonna be...

is gonna be."

But your mother-in-law

don't understand
nothing about philosophy.

I don't think you know
a hell of a lot about it
yourself.

Get some of your
wife's wrapping paper

and wrap up this present
for Joey.

What is this?

"Karate Men"?

[MOCKING]
"Karate Men"?
Yes.

It's what you call
one of your educational toys
there.

This is an educational toy?
Karate Men?

Yes, it is,
and I'll Tell you why.

Now, this toy
learns you how to survive

in the stinko world.
Right?

Not only that, when you work
the buttons here, see,

this develops what you call
your digitalis skills.

Show you what I mean.

See the left-hand button
over there,

yeah, that one there, see,

that's where you can <i>bust</i>
a rib, huh?

See?
And the right one here,

this is the one
where you can bust a face

like <i>that</i> and <i>that</i>
and <i>that!</i> Huh?

Here's the greatest one
of all,

the middle one
at the back, see.

With this one here,

this is how you really give
a guy a cauliflower crotch,
see.

Yeah!

I don't believe this.

This is a toy
for Joey on Christmas,

a time for peace and love,
Arch?

Come on.
I am not going to teach my son
the manly art of v*olence.

- Don't give me no commie peace
lectures on Christmas day!
- I'm taking this---

Do what you wanna do.
Sick and tired of arguing.

So I was talking
to Sybil Gooley last week,

and she told me
that her sister--

you know, that fat one?

She had another face lift.

Her skin is so tight now

that every time she sits down,
her mouth flies open.

That's funny,
honey.

Edith, come on, will ya?
That's funny there.

Every time
the woman opens her mouth,
she's gotta sit down.

Laugh at that.

Ma, you should drop in
on Sybil.

Oh...
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]
Sybil.

On your way home from church.

Oh, well, yeah, yeah.

Go and see Sybil
on your way home from church,
Edith.

I ain't goin' to church.

But Ma, you've never missed
a Christmas service.

The little girl
is right, Edith.

you always go to church
on Christmas.

You come home from church,

you have
a beautiful, peaceful look
on your face,

like you was chloroformed
or something.

Uh...uh...

- What?
- What?

Oh, jeez.

He wants you to go out
into the kitchen

so he can talk to me alone.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Don't know why
you couldn't pick up on that.

Even your mother got it.

- While we're in the kitchen,
we'll neck.
- Okay.

You're saying that
to drive me nuts, right?

Edith, Edith,
come on, now, I mean...

you gotta figure out some way
to square this beef

between you and the Lord.

Better go home and put
the turkey in the oven.

No, no, don't do--
We don't have to talk
about this no more

if you don't wanna,
but don't go home.

- I mean, come on, Christma--
- No, Archie.

- Come on, Edith,
we gotta open something.
- No, I wanna go home.

We gotta open
some of the presents.

Come on, be a sport, Edith.
Look, here, here--

first one I come to,
from me to you.

Now, come on.
We're gonna open
this here, Edith.

Now here, hold the box.
Wait till you see
what I got you here.

Wearing this,
any woman would be crazy mad
to run out to church in it.

Wait till you see.
Just wait till you see this.

You wear this,
and all your friends

are going to be green
with envious, huh?

Look at that.
Huh?

Ain't that
a beautiful hat there?

You got strawberries,
cherries, two kinds of grapes,

and a crabapple.

It looks delicious.

You ain't supposed to eat it.

You're supposed to put it
on your head, Edith.

- Come on, try that.
- No, I don't want to,
not now.

I don't feel like it.

No, no, no,
wait a minute, Edith.

You don't know how pretty
it's going to look

until it's on your head.
You ain't gonna do that--

I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll put it on myself, huh?

Just to give you an idea
how it looks on a head, huh?

Whatta you say?

It's very pretty.
Thank you.

Well, if it's pretty on me,
it's gotta be okay on you,
Edith.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you wear this hat
to church,

I'll go to church with you.

I ain't going to church!

Now, don't say that, Edith.
Come on, Christmas day.

For the sake of the family,
we ought to run over there
and say a few prayers, huh?

I wouldn't know
what to pray no more,
Archie.

I ain't going.

You go yourself
if you want to.

- I'm gonna go home--
- Ho-ho-hold it.

No choice.
We won't bring
the thing up no more,

but please don't go home,
now, Edith.

Everybody's--
come here, come here.

- I gotta put the turkey
in the oven.
- No, sit down.

Sit right here
in my chair.

Now, let's open
some more presents here, huh?

Hey, look
at the little red one
right on the top of the tree

with your name on it.

Let's start
with this one, Edith.

Go ahead, open it up.

You know what?
I didn't give it to you.

Ooh, it's one of them little
whattayoucallits there.

It's a scarf.

Yeah,
in a beautiful "beej" color.

EDITH: Beige.

Yeah, some of that, too.

Well, somebody knows
what you like.
Huh, Edith?

"Merry Christmas
to my lovely friend Edith.
From...

Beverly La Salle.

Oh, jeez.

Edith, put it back
in the box there.

We'll just leave it aside
for a while.

Let's open up
the rest of these
'cause there'd be more--

No, don't.
Don't run away.

Edith,
don't run home.

What's going on
in here?

Arch, where did Ma go?

She's run out on me.

May I have the next dance?

What the hell is that,
"the next dance"?

Let me tell you something,
Meathead, about your jokes.

They never seem to have
no point to them.

Arch, I'm not gonna play
that game with you.

I know you ain't
gonna play it, jeez.

You wouldn't enter
no contest with me

you wasn't sure
you was gonna win.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking
about you.

Oh, I guess maybe
you play me chess,

about which I don't
even know how to deal...

but I notice you never
come out of your corner

when it comes
to the manly sports,

like bowling
or Indian wrestling.

Or who can belch
the loudest.

ARCHIE: Take that
and that and that.

That is so silly.

You think I'm going to stoop
to your level?

You think I'm going to even
try to defend myself?

I don't care
whether you defend yourself.

I'm gonna knock
the hell out of you anyway.

Whack, whack, whack.

You're not hurting me.

If I wanted to,
I could hit you back.

- ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.
- I just don't want to.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's right, Arch--

If I wanted to,
I could give you one of these
right like this.

What do you think
I'll be doing with my left here?

I'll be defending, huh?

But while you're doing that,
I'm going like this.

[BOTH SHOUTING
OVER EACH OTHER]

- MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
- ARCHIE: Hey, hey, hey...

I knocked you over!

[TO <i>DECK THE HALLS]</i>
♪ Walla, Washington,
Kalamazoo ♪

♪ Nora's freezin'
on the trolley ♪

♪ Swaller dollar cauliflower
alley-garoo! ♪

♪ Don't we know archaic-- ♪

Ma, where's the dressing?

In the turkey.

No, it isn't.

I forgot to put it in.
Oh, how could I be so dumb?

It's all right, Ma.

Hey, have you ever seen

my imitation
of a buck-toothed fish?

Oh, Gloria, you're trying
so hard to make me laugh.

It ain't working.

Let's put the dinner on.

Okay.
The boys must be starving.

Boy, oh, boy.

Hey, guys,
come and get it!

Gobble, gobble,
gobble, gobble, gobble...

MIKE: Arch,
I knocked you over
three times.

Yeah, you b*at me
'cause you busted
the rules there.

You reached over
with your hand,

You knocked
my Jap over.

You're a sore loser.

Hey, cut that out,

you heathen you,
not before grace there.

Want a little piece of skin.

"Piece of skin."
You wanna choke to death
on a hunk of unblessed bird?

You're eatin' nothin'.
We say grace here.

We gotta give
thanks to the Lord

for all the bountiful foods
that he hath gave us here,

even though
we had to buy it all.

All right, now,
hang your heads there.

Wait a--wait a minute.
What are you doing?

I forgot the cranberries.

Edith, I'm trying to talk
unto the Lord here.

Now, sit down.

Forgive me, Lord, for pointing
with a vegetable here.

Now, hang your heads, huh?

Oh, Lord, A. Bunker here.

As you know,
the Christmas season

is once again
at our throats.

And I talk
for my family here

and particularly
my poor wife,

who gots some kind of
a mad on against you--

uh, uh, thee--

thou do--
( mutters )

Hold--hold the phone.

Edith, where--
what are you doing?

I gotta get
the cranberries.

Edith, the Lord and me
don't give a damn
about cranberries.

Would you sit down
here, huh?

I can't, Archie.
My heart ain't in it.

Edith, Edith, Edith--

No, hold it,
Where the hell are you going?

I'm going to go talk to Ma.

Well, what good
is an atheist gonna do

when a couple of Christians
like the Lord and me
couldn't do nothin'?

Stop him, stop him,
stop him.

Oh, you're helpless.

Ma?

Can I talk to you?

Well, sure.

I'm sorry I spoiled Christmas.

Oh, you better go back in there
and eat your dinner.

I'm not hungry now.

You can't depend
on nothin' no more.

Ma...

who you mad at?

I'm mad at God.

Uh...you think that
God was responsible

for what happened
to Beverly?

I don't know.

All I know is
Beverly was k*lled
because of what he was,

and we're all supposed to be
God's children.

It don't make sense.

I don't understand
nothin' no more.

Ma...

did you ever have
a subject in school
that you didn't understand?

Yeah, algebra.

I hated it.

I couldn't understand it,
so I dropped it.

But you didn't drop
out of school, did you?

Ma, what I'm trying
to say is that...

maybe-- maybe we're
not supposed

to understand everything
all at once.

Maybe we're just
supposed to understand

things a little bit
at a time.

Trouble with me is
I don't understand nothing.

Oh, Ma, that's not true.

You understand plenty.

Ma, if there is a God,

you're one of
the most understanding people
he ever made.

We need you.

Are you eating?

Uh...

[TOGETHER] We figured
we'd better go ahead.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]
Pass the sweet potatoes.

Oh, here, honey.

You want
some mashed potatoes, too?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Here,
you want some gravy?

MIKE: Yeah.

Bah bada, bah bub, bub, bub.

What are you doing?

Well...

[TOGETHER] We figured
we'd better go ahead.

Did you finish saying grace?

Well, Edith, I figured
that, uh, nobody cared.

Dear God...

E. Bunker here.

I'm sorry
that I can't understand

everything all at once,

but I am thankful
for Mike...

and Gloria...

and Joey...

and Aunt Iola...

You're forgetting
somebody, Edith.

And Sybil Gooley.

Forgetting somebody,
Edith.

Oh, and Archie.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, and Uncle Paul

and Aunt Henrietta
and her four little boys--

- Amen right there.
- Jerry and Jimmy and Joey

- and Marty.
- Amen.

And Dr. Shapiro
and Mrs. Shapiro.

- Amen.
- And Mrs. Friedman

at the Sunshine Home.

Oh, and Grady and Hannah

and poor daughter Marlena,

who went to Utica
and got into trouble.

Oh, and poor little Bobby Daley,
who was too short to be a cop...

ROB REINER: All In The Family
<i>was recorded on tape</i>

<i>before a live audience.</i>