08x15 - The Commercial

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SIGHS]

Excuse me.

Will you take
the Sunny Suds challenge?

Are you talkin' to me?

Yes.

Will you sell me
this shirt?

Oh, no,
I couldn't do that.

This is my husband's
favorite shirt.

He got it at Disneyworld.

It's a Donald Duck
original, see?

There's Donald Duck's
autograph

in his own hand writin'.

Can't you use $ ?

$ ?

Good,
we've got a deal.

( rips loudly )

What are you doin'?!

Look what he did!

He tore my husband's
favorite shirt,

and I don't even know him!
He's a perfect stranger!

Wh--What are you doin'?

That--Don't do that!
That ain't no hamburger.

Let me have that.

Don't do that!

What am I gonna say
to my hus--

Oh...

You're the
shirt-ripper on TV.

Guilty.

Terrific, terrific.

Cut, cut, cut.

Couldn't be better
if she was a pro.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello.

I'm Peter Gray.
I direct TV commercials.

And this is Mr. Prescott,
our account exec.

How do you do?

And over there behind those
dryers is our cameraman.

Hey, Arnold,
wave to the lady!

Hello.

That's Arnold.

Oh. Was I on TV?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're just doing a test
for a detergent,

new improved Sunny Suds.

And of course, you
recognize Ricky Buffano,

star of your
favorite commercials.

Oh, yeah. You're the man
in the Perky Potty, too.

I'm the one. You like
that commercial?

Oh, yeah, it's our favorite.

My husband can never
figure out

how you get down
into that little boat.

And-and why you ain't
never flushed away.

I'll bet your
husband would flip
if he saw you

in a commercial
with Ricky,
now wouldn't he?

He's gonna flip when
he sees this shirt.

How would you like to be
in our commercial?

Oh, no. I don't
know what--

I tell you what.
I'll take your name
and address.

- What is your name?
- Edith Bunker.

A commercial?
Me in a com--?

Oh, no, no.

You wouldn't want that.
I take terrible pictures.

Oh, I can't
believe that!

Oh, yeah, it's true.

Here, I'll show ya.

I got a picture in here.

The worst picture
I ever took, though,

was in my high school
yearbook.

Oh, my, that
was so terrible

I went around inking it
out in everybody's book.

Well, what's your
address, please?

Hauser Street.

Here! See there?

Now see, that's
my grandson,
little Joey.

He's adorable.

I was playing with him,

but you can see that I
didn't come out good at all.

See, I was trying
to make him laugh.

Like this.

Oh, you're so natural,
so absolutely natural!

Basil, she's it.
She's it!

She's the one!

She is dynamite!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Edith!

Edith, I'm home and I don't
wanna hear about nothing
except sandwiches.

Hello, Archie!

Yeah.

All right,
Edith, all right--
All right!

Edith, don't try
to get nothing
started now.

Archie, you'll never
guess what happened today!

Don't t*rture me
or waste my time, Edith.

Meathead's coming over
in a couple minutes

to take me
to the Knicks game.

Now get the sandwiches made,
get 'em wrapped
and ready to go, huh?

Well, where
are you going?

I'm just going upstairs
to change into
my lucky shirt.

Oh, wait, your lucky
shirt ain't up there.

Well, where is it?

Well, I'll tell ya...

and if you don't believe me,
I won't blame ya,

'cause I know what happened
and I don't believe it.

You know what--
What?

Well, you see,
Archie...

today our washing
machine broke down.

Okay, okay, that's $
to the Puerto Rican guy.

Now don't make this
a long story.

Well, see, I had to take
the wash to the laundry mat,

and while I was there,
this man comes up to me
and taps me on the shoulder,

and he turns out to be
the man in the Perky Potty
commercial on TV!

[GROANING]

You know! The butler
that gets into
the little boat

way down at the bottom
of the toilet!

And now he's
the shirt-ripper!

You know, that comes
into the laundry mat

and says to the lady,
"Could I buy that shirt?"

And-and then
he rips it in two.

And that's what
happened today.

What happened today?

The shirt-ripper
ripped your shirt.

Uh, oh, Edith...

now you ain't sawing
about my Disneyworld shirt?

Yeah.

You mean the authentic
Donald Duck signature shirt?

Yeah. Yeah, but he
gave me $ for it.

I do-- $ ?

Yeah.

And they want me
to do a commercial, too.

He wants you to be
in the commercial?
Edith, well--

Hey, Arch! We better
hurry, we're gonna
be late for the game.

Take it easy, will you?
We got over an hour
to get there.

You don't wanna miss Charo
singing the national anthem.

[THICK SPANISH ACCENT]
♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

♪ Coochie, coochie! ♪

You know how
you love that.

Why must you always insult
our finest traditions?

Wait a minute, Edith,
get back here.

I wanna hear about this.
Did you hear this?

Somebody's gonna put
your mother-in-law
into a commercial.

Really, Ma?

Oh, well, I ain't sure.

And even if I was sure,
I ain't sure that
I could do it.

And even if I was sure
that I could do it,

I ain't sure that
they'd want me to do it.

And even if they
want me to do it,

I ain't sure that I can do it
or that I wanna do it.

What the hell
are you talking about?
You gotta do it!

Don't you know that people
make a fortune off
them commercials?

Oh, my God, you
didn't talk money
with the guy, did you?

- Oh, no.
- No, never do that.

Leave all talking
about important things
like money to the man.

That's the way God
wanted it.

Since when?

Ever since Eve bought
a bum apple from a snake.

Look it up!

Oh, I'll get your
sandwiches for the game.

- Edith, Edith.
- Ma.

I hope they don't ask
you to do one of those
silly commercials.

Shut up, you--
Will you--

Don't be worrying her
about something silly.

Silly is good.

Silly sells.

Look at all
the top commercials
you see on TV there.

I mean, what, take
your talking animal
commercials.

Morris the cat,
right?

Well, that's silly,
right?

The cat comes on, he says,
"I hope she's gonna
give me that lunch now."

I mean, that's silly.

Where the hell
you gonna find a cat
who can talk that good?

But that's the basis
there for all
the commercial industry.

That's the basis of your
whole advertising industry!

Let me tell you
something!

The basis of the whole
U.S. economy is silly!

So you're saying that
you enjoy the fact

that commercials
insult your intelligence?

Yes, I do!

I mean, without commercials,
a lotta people'd be doing
the wrong thing.

Without commercials,
maybe we'd be clogging
up all our arteries

with butter there
instead of flushing them
out with margarine.

Here's another thing.

For instance, without
them commercials,

how would the women
know what to do

with them there
disposable douches?

They might keep them
damn things around
for no good reason!

Use your bean once
in a while, will ya?

Arch, what about all
the garbage they sell?

I mean, kids begging
their mothers to buy them
that breakfast cereal

that's so full of sugar
it rots their teeth?

Dentists gotta live,
don't they?

And let me tell you
something else!

Without them commercials,
you wouldn't even enjoy
your TV that much!

Because the commercials,
they give you time to--

A. Light up a cigar,

. Make yourself
a sandwich there,

C. Answer the phone,

and . Run to the can.

You like that, huh?
You like when the commercials
interrupt the programming?

You like when some dope
comes on there and talks
about painful hemorrhoids

in the middle of a newscast
when they're talking about
some deep, dark tragedy?

Let me tell you something.

There ain't no deeper,
darker tragedy
than painful hemorrhoids.

Hey, Edith! Come out here!
I gotta talk to you
more about this.

Arch, are we going
to the game or what?

The hell with the game.
There could be millions
of dollars in the balance.

- Come on, Arch.
- I'm answering the door.

Get away, get away!

- Yeah.
- Oh, hello.

I'm Mr. Prescott
of the Ken Ray
Advertising Agency.

Uh, is Mrs. Bunker home?

I wanna talk to her
about a TV commercial.

Oh, you're the guy
that wants to put her
in the commercial, huh?

Well, come on in,
Mr. Escrod, there.

- It's, uh, Prescott.
- Oh, yeah, whatever.

Hey, this is my son-in-law,
Mike Stivic here.

- Hi, how do you do?
- No time for that.

He's gotta go
right now.

He's sorry, but he's got
to rush right down

to the subway station
to wait for me.

Ah, you don't wanna shake
my hands anyway, I have
ring around the collar.

Get lost, huh?

Tell me, did I, uh,
did I say anything
to offend him?

Ah, no, he's
only a Polack.

So am I.

Hey, listen, they're
fine people with
a great sense of humor.

They never take offense
at nothing, huh?

Come on, sit down,
sit down.

Make yourself
at home, Mr., uh...

Prescott.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You thought I was gonna blow
the name again, huh?

Hi, uh, Edith there?

There's a Mr. Prestone
out here to see ya.

- Prescott!
- [GIBBERS]

I made liverwurst on rye
and two ham and cheese--

Oh!

How do you do,
Mrs. Bunker?

Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Prescott?

Sit down, Edith.
Sit down, sit down,
please.

He's over here to talk
to you about the commercial.
You know, Edith?

- That's right--
- Would you care for
a liverwurst sandwich?

Oh, no.
No thank you.
I'm on a diet.

Oh, swell, swell.

Uh, Mrs. Bunker,
I was rather, uh,

rather impressed with
the, uh, job you did
on that--

on that test today.

Hey, you hear
that, Edith?

They liked that job you
done on the test today.

Thank you, but Mr. Prescott,
I don't think I oughta--

She don't think,

because she lets me do
the thinking for her.

Well, you see, the,
uh, the client wasn't
too enthusiastic,

so, uh, I had to do
a little convincing.

What does that mean?

I'll tell you
what that means.

That means that they wanna
knock down your price there.

Am I right,
Mr. Polack?

Uh, I mean, Prescott.

Eh, what she was
starting to say was

that she don't think she
could do your commercial

for the monies
yous is offering.

I haven't offered
anything yet.

That's the whole point!

How is the woman
gonna accept an offer

that you ain't
even made yet, huh?

You ain't dealing
with children here.

Well, Mr. Bunker,
I can see that you are
an astute businessman.

That's what you think.
I know what I'm doing.

So, uh, I will not
offer you minimum--

Whoa, ho, ho, hold it.
Hold it there, buddy.

We insist on minimum.

Very well.
That will be $ for
the full day's work.

Yeah, and let me
tell you something else.

We know what minimum means.

It means there can't
be nothing less, right?

Definitely, yes.

Well, you got a deal.

Huh?

Yeah, there you go, Edith.

Now you see what happens when
you let me do the talking?

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

Just kidding around,
you know?

There's no way...
then what the hell, eh?

Hey! Oh, jeez,
look at you. Ed--

Oh, my, you look
gorgeous, dear.

Hey, Rosie, you done
a great job

of reparations
down here.

Thank you.

You know who you
put me in mind of?

You know who she
puts me in mind of?

You know the dame
who's on television,

always grinning
and lollygagging

at the husband
there?

And she says to him,
"It's Geritol

that gives me
the hots for you"?

Oh, Archie.

That's what she says,
and he says to her,

"You're cute.
I think I'll keep you."

I don't like
that commercial.

It's a very heartwarming
commercial.

And I think I'll keep
you, too, Edith.

Hey, give me a kiss?

Don't-- don't you dare!

Hey, come on,
we're married.

You'll smudge
her makeup.

Oh, jeez, smudgety...
[GIBBERS]

Now, Mrs. Bunker,
just be your natural self.

You'll be great,
a winner! Mmm!

Hey, yeah...

I don't think
nothing about that.

See, showbiz people,
they're always hugging.

They'd hug a barber pole
and call it darling.

Now, don't be nervous.

Oh, I ain't nervous,
but... [MOUTHING]

Go to the bathroom?

Shh.

The people who work
in TV don't do that.

Well, what do they do?

They think, "Empty,
empty, empty."

Let's put one on film,
Mrs. Bunker.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Now, just remember
what I said.

Just be your own,
delicious self.

Your test
the other day where

we tore the shirt
was so yummy,

that we're going to use
that for our opening.

Now! Oh, excusez-moi,
Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, yeah,
go ahead, yeah.

These are the two halves
of Mr. Bunker's shirt.

You know, you can't
buy that shirt

in a regular store.

I mean, that's, you know,
an authentic Donald Duck
autographed shirt.

You can only buy that
down in Disneyworld.

That's in Florida.

Mr. Bunker,
you're precious.

Are you gay?

Are you?

No.

I'm so relieved.

Now, one half was washed
by your old detergent

and the other by our new
improved Sunny Suds.

Ricky will ask you which half
is cleaner and brighter

and you pick the one.

That's all you have to do.

Oh! That's easy.

Okay, let's roll!

ARNOLD: Rolling!
We got speed.

New improved Sunny Suds
commercial,

Edith Bunker,
take one.

PETE: Action!

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah. Hey!
Oh, hey!

Hey, look who's here!

Hey, Edith, look
who's over here.

Hey, I'd know you anywhere
from the millions of times
I seen ya in the toilet.

Hey, it's the guy
in the toilet here.

Bunker,
arrivederci!
Arrivederci!

Yeah, yeah,
all right.

Are we
still rolling?

ARNOLD: Still rolling!
Still got speed!

Okay, uh, action!
Ricky?

All right, Mrs. Bunker,
this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter
and cleaner?

Oh, that one.

Cut! Oh, that was very
good, dear, very good.

Just one tiny problem.
You selected your brand.

I know, but I think
that was cleaner--

No! Doo, doo,
doo, doo!

So if your brand
is on this side,

then we all know what's
on the other side.

New...

Improved Sunny Suds?

Right.

Do you want me
to pick this one?

We want you to pick
the one that's brighter,

which anyone can plainly see
might well be our product.

Okay. Let's try
another one.

PETE: Roll it!

- ARNOLD: We got speed.
- PETE: Sticks!

New improved
Sunny Suds commercial,

Edith Bunker,
take two.

Accion!

All right, Mrs. Bunker,
this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter
and cleaner?

Go for the one
on the left.

Cut!

Mr. Bunker! Mr. Bunker,
will you get off the set?

- Mr. Bunker?
- Yeah.

Scram-ez vous!

All right!

Okay, uh, roll it.

ARNOLD: Rolling.
We got speed.

PETE: Sticks!

New improved
Sunny Suds commercial,

Edith Bunker,
take three.

Action!

All right, Mrs. Bunker,
this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter
and cleaner?

Well, this one--

Cut!

Mr. Bunker, you
must be quiet!

She can't do it!
I know how she is.

She-she--
I'm only--

Listen, if you let me
talk to her a minute,

then you get results.

Now let me try.
Edith, come over here.

Come over here.
Let me talk to her.

Edith, darling, listen to me.
Are you a dumbbell or what?

Why do you always
go with the soap
that ain't the money?

Archie, Ricky asked me
which one I thought

was cleaner and brighter,
and that was the one.

I know it was my soap,
but I can't help
that it's true.

I mean, your shirts
and your jockey shorts

are always bright
and fluffy, ain't they?

The world don't give a damn

if my jockey shorts
look and feel like Brillo.

Well, I do.

Uh, Mr. Bunker, listen.
I'm sorry, but we're
gonna have to call it off.

No, wait a minute.
Then we miss getting
the $ ?

No, she'll get that,
but no residuals.

Well, I don't care about
the residuals, all I want
is the money.

Mr. Bunker, you
don't understand.

Residuals are money.

Every time the commercial
is run, there's another fee.

It can mount to
$ , or $ , .

Roll 'em,
and action there!

No, Mr. Bunker, no.
It's no use.

Wait, wait a minute.
See, the wife has a problem.

She never learned
to lie, you know?

But for $ , or $ , ,
she's gonna learn now.

- Hold on one second.
- All right, okay.

Edith, I wanna
talk to you.

That's okay, honey,
you don't have
to make her up.

Do it yourself.
You're getting pale
there.

Edith, Edith, Edith,

all you gotta do is
pick their soap there,

you could have a new whole
career for yourself there.

I mean, you could be
like Anita O'Brien,
hustling fruits.

It's true, it's true.

Edith, you're taking
it too serious, you see?

I mean, you don't have to
really mean what you say--

Do you think John Wayne
really eats them
aspirin there?

Come on!

A guy like the Duke
gets himself a headache,

he pulls a g*n
and he sh**t it.

Do you think that
O.J. Simpson

really drives around
in a Hertz rental car?

Like hell.

The guy's got himself
a purple Cadillac

with zebra seat covers.

How do you know all that?

Jeez, read the
National Enquirer
there, will ya?

Archie, I don't know why,

but I got the feeling that
you're asking me to lie.

I would never
do that, Edith.

It ain't me,
it ain't me.

It's the law,
you know that?

The law says that on TV,

they gotta give the lie
equal time with the truth.

Why the hell do you
think they televise
the Democrat conventions?

Go on, do your stuff.
Now get in there.

Get in there,
get in there.

Now, you pick the right one
this time, Edith.

Okay, now I think
she's ready.

Pete, could you roll
your sticks again?

Okay, g*ng, let's give
it one more try.

- Roll, please.
- ARNOLD: Rolling!

- We got speed.
- Sticks.

New improved Sunny Suds
commercial,

Edith Bunker,
take three.

Hey, ain't that
take four, pal?

Never mind!
Go ahead!
Action!

All right, Mrs. Bunker,
this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter
and cleaner?

Well...

uh...this one...

is the one my husband
thinks I should pick,

but I think
this one is cleaner.

[YELLING]

Uh, Mrs. Bunker,
I'm sorry.

That's a wrap!
Let's go home,
everybody.

I'm sorry!

Thank you very much,
Mrs. Bunker.

You'll get the $
in the mail.

Oh, no, no!
I shouldn't be paid--

Will you stifle
yourself?

I ain't done nothing.

What do you mean?
You done your best
and that's something.

And you ain't mad?

Oh, no, why should
I be mad, Edith?

You know, so
we lose $ , .

Well, I guess we can
use the $

towards a new
washing machine.

Or I could take the $

and buy a p*stol,

and blow my brains out
and still have change
left over.

Oh, no. We really
need a washing machine.

[GROANING]

ROB REINER: All in the Family

was recorded on tape
before a live audience.