03x05 - Mama's Baby, Carlton's Maybe

[bunniefuu]

Well, how do I look?

Whoa! Man!

Ooh!

Hey, you know that model
in all them Hugo Boss ads?

Yeah.

You don't look nothing like him.

You're just jealous because

the love of my life
has returned.

In Cindy, I've found the woman
I'd share my life with.

You've never even found a woman
you'd share a burrito with.

[scoffs]
Uh, Earth to Carlton.

But, uh, Cindy dumped you, man.

She didn't dump me, Will.

She just working through
a fear of intimacy

caused by an overpowering father

and a narcissistic mother.

You sure it wasn't
your breath?

[groans]

Oh, look!
Hors d'oeuvres.

Isn't it great to be rich?

Hands off.
It's for Cindy.

Cindy? Isn't she
the one who dumped you?

Carlton?

Why are you wearing a suit?

Is daddy bringing
home white people?

No. Cindy's coming over.

Cindy?
I thought she dumped you.

Okay. Okay. She dumped me!

But now that she's back,
I'm not gonna let her go.

I'm going to prove to her
that I'm ready

for an adult,
mature relationship.

[doorbell rings]

Door! Door! Door!

Alright. Don't wet yourself.
I'll get it.

[exhales sharply]
God, I'm a wreck.

[chuckles]
Carlton!

Cindy.

[chuckles]

I, uh, have something
that belongs to you.

[baby cries]

Say hello to daddy.

Excuse me.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped turned
upside down and I'd like to ♪

♪ Take a minute just sit right
there I'll tell you ♪

♪ How I became the prince
of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is
where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell ya later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪

Hey, G, hurry up
with that water, man.

Thanks. Carlton, wake up!

Now, come on, man.

Congratulations, man.
It's a boy.

- Ooh..
- Hey, Carlton. Come on, man.

Carlton? A father?

He won't even let Ken and Barbie
sleep in the same shoe box.

You and Cindy?
I mean, come on.

Eh, the longest relationship
Carlton ever had

was with last year's
"Ebony"swim suit issue.

This isn't a joke.

I mean, doesn't he look
just like Carlton?

Well, it looks like
they wear the same size.

- Can I hold him?
- Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, he's so cute.

[burp]

Ohh!

Get this drool machine
away from me!

Ohh!

Hey, here. Can I?

Here we go..

Hey, juju.

What up, dude?

♪ Hey get up off my back ♪

♪ Save the heart att*ck ♪

♪ Carlton's been
humpin' around ♪♪

Boy, when mom and dad
see this

somebody's going to swing.

Well, I can assure you,
it won't be me.

This time the butler
didn't do it..

...hasn't done it

and I'd be surprised
if he even remembered

howto do it.

Philip, I am never wearing

a bathing suit again
as long as I live.

Now, honey,
I'm sure the pool man

didn't really
mistake you for me.

He called me Mr. Banks.

That's still no reason
to hold his head under water

sweetheart.

[burp]

I'll get you some
antacid for that.

No don't..
That wasn't me.

[baby cries]

Cindy!

Mr. & Mrs. Banks!

Ah! Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, how long has it been?

Well, I'd take a sh*t
in the dark and say

oh, around nine months.

Whose is that?

Uh, he's mine.

Oh, my goodness.
He's adorable.

Come here, sweetheart.

Oh, my. What's his name?

Carlton.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me your father's
first name is Carlton.

[imitates buzzer]
Sorry. Wrong answer.

Now, for those of you
just tuning in

to "Name That Father"

this little bundle of joy
belongs to a young man

who's seen"Little Mermaid"
eight times.

No...no.

Carlton...are you the father?

Excuse me.

Carlton! Carlton!

- Carlton!
- Vivian, honey!

Back off, Philip!
I'm having a mother/son moment!

Carlton, how could
you do this to us?

Vivian,
step away from the boy!

Now, look. We're going to have
to talk about this in private.

Not you, stupid!
Sit your butt down.

Oh, hey, I'll take care
of this, Uncle Phil.

Okay. That's it. Move it along.
Party's over.

Nothing to see here.

Come on. Pep it up,
little gray man.

Whew! Man, I thought
they'd never leave.

- Will.
- Phil.

Alright. I'm just..
Let me just go over here.

Look, I didn't mean
to cause any trouble.

Sweetheart, you show up here
with a baby that you say

is my son's and you didn't mean
to cause any trouble?

Where do you think you are,
fantasy island?

Watch out how you talk
to the mother of my son..

...sir.

Carlton, do you realize
what you're saying?

Heis Carlton's baby.

I'll believe that
when I see a blood test.

It's the truth whether
you wanna believe it or not.

I love Carlton.

Really?

Yes.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Carlton is the most
incredible
lover I have ever had.

Oh, God!

I mean, he's so in tune
with my needs.

It was amazing and endless
and magnificent!

I think I saw God.

[laughing]

The windows. I'm sorry..

- I, I fell. I fell.
- We'll go.

- We didn't mean..
- I fell. I fell.

Sorry.

Carlton, I'm so
disappointed in you.

[baby cries]

I mean, why didn't you come
to us first, honey?

We could have counseled you.

Or at least had you neutered.

Cindy, honey, I don't understand

if you knew this was Carlton's
son, why did you leave?

Because I knew that a baby
could ruin his life

but I did feel that
he deserved to see his son

and that's why I came.

Thank you
for stopping by. Goodbye.

Philip. Cindy, honey..

I think we need
to talk to your parents.

That won't do any good.

They don't want to have
anything to do with me.

Uh.. They threw you out?

Where are you going to stay?

Mommy?

- Well...you could stay with us.
- Ohh!

At least until after
the blood test.

- I couldn't impose.
- Oh, we understand.

You know, I hear Ramada Inn
has a wonderful pool.

Cindy, please stay.
We want you to. Okay?

Carlton will show you
to the guest room

and there's no need
to wake the baby.

You know, it's like
the Rodney King videotape.

You know, I just keep seeing
it over and over and over again.

And I, and I ask myself,
I mean

where did I fail him, you know?

Where did we go wrong?

[grunts]

[instrumental music]

Hey, mom. Guess who?

No. It's Will.

Will Smith.

Hey, yo-yo, mom. Check it out.

It is some drama
cutting loose out here.

Hey.. Oh, no. I'm not in
trouble. But, no, check it out.

Somebody we know is a grandma.

No, no. Not you, mom. Mom!
No, no.

No, mom, mom. No, lo..
Mom..

Mom, stop crying. Stop crying.

Mom, no. It's not me. It's..
Carlton is the father.

Wh.. Stop laughing, mom.

Uh, y-yeah, yeah,
that'll be a large pepperoni

with extra cheese. Right.

I love you.

Oh, t-that makes them
bring it faster.

Give me the phone, Will.

This time Cindy's parents
are gonna talk to me.

Philip, honey. Just be calm.

Now, I'm sure
they are lovely people.

Just because they let their
daughter run wild and

take advantage of our only
son
and flush his life

down the toilet?
Give me the damn phone, Philip.

Wait.
Vivian. Vivian. Sweetheart.

I'll handle it.

Ah, yes. Hello. Uh-uh, don't
you dare try to hang up on me.

What kind of lowlifes are you
throwing a minor to the street

endangering a helpless infant?

Well, I'm gonna do everything
I can to see you behind bars.

And what do you have
to say for yourself?

Uh, so, when will your
mommy and daddy be home?

(Carlton)
Here we come, ready or not.

Super, huh?

Look, matching hats.

Oh, I never knew having a family
could be so neat.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Alright. Whoa, whoa.

I'd like to take
this opportunity

to bring it
to everyone's attention that

Uncle Phil's head
is about to explode.

And for once,
it ain't my fault. Ha-ha!

[sighs]
Well, I think it's time

for little Carlton's nap.

Yeah. It smells like
he needs to be changed, too.

I'll miss you, honey.

I'll miss you, too.

[chuckles]
Isn't she something?

Yeah, she sure is

and Monday, after the blood test
proves the baby's not yours

she'll be out of here
on the first thing smoking.

Dad, the baby's mine.

Carlton, honey.
Suppose the baby is yours.

Now, being a teenage parent is a
very big responsibility, honey.

And you have already proven
yourself irresponsible.

Otherwise you wouldn't
be in this situation.

How are you gonna
feed this baby?

Where you gonna live?
How're you gonna educate it?

Wait a minute. You mean, you're
not going to take care of us?

Hold me back, Philip.
Just hold me back.

Hey, hey...I got him,
but take another step

and I'll fill you
full of potassium.

Master William, uh,
might I see you for a moment?

Yeah, sure. What's up, G?

Well, it's such
a beautiful night.

I thought you might like
to see the moon.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Go easy on the poor
little pinhead.

Are you climbing down
Rapunzel's extensions?

Oh! Shh!

I don't want mom
and dad to know.

To know what?

Cindy and I
are driving to Lompoc.

No, no, Carlton.
Nobody drives to Lompoc.

You drive through Lompoc.

No, but there's a chapel.

- We're eloping.
- What?

No, Will.
I don't want to hear it.

I'm tired of everyone
telling me what to do.

I love Cindy,
and I've made up my mind.

Alright, man. Fine.
Look..

Whatever you wanna do
is fine with me.

What?

I said, whatever you wanna
do
is fine with me.

If you want to marry Cindy,
go ahead.

Just do me a favor.
Sleep on it tonight.

In the morning,
if you feel the same way

then whatever
you want to do. Deal?

- Deal.
- My man.

Oh! Uh, uh,
give me your car keys.

You know, Will,
I gave you my word.

I think that'd be enough.

Ah, you're lucky I don't do
you like Kunta Kinte

and chop off your foot.

[car horn honks]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Your cheesecake, sir.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, would you get
Carlton, please?

- Certainly, sir.
- Thank you.

"Run, Geoffrey.

Fetch, Geoffrey."

Perhaps you'd like me to catch
a frisbee in my teeth.

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, freeze!

- Wa..
- Just where have you been?

Uh, to the refrigerator?

At this hour?

It's 8 o'clock.

Philip, look at us.
We are really overreacting.

This is Will. There's no such
thing as overreacting.

- Frisk him.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Look, Adolph, Eva, why don't
y'all relax for a second.

Geoffrey, where's Carlton?

I'm sorry, sir,
but he's not in his room.

Oh, but the trip
wasn't a total loss.

I found $1.25 under his bed.

Who knew Christmas
would come twice this year.

Geoffrey, did you
check Cindy's room?

Ha! The girl hasn't a penny
to her name.

Will, where's Carlton?

Oh, I-I don't know, Uncle Phil.

Did you check the cracks
in the couch?

Will...you know something?

Oh, come on, Uncle Phil.

Does this look like the face

of a dude that knows something?

He's got a point there, Vivian.

Well, maybe we should
call Carlton's friends.

That's a good idea. I'll call
one. You call the other.

Number 52!

Well, we're next,
my little bride to be.

Carlton...I hope you
don't feel like

I pressured you into this.

I mean, you are glad
we're getting married, right?

Glad? Cindy,
I've been in love with you

ever since the third grade.

I mean, I used to go
to sleep at night

and dream about the day
we'd be married.

Do you really mean that,
Carlton?

Yes.

Oh, we're going to have
such a wonderful life.

We'll have to live
in a trailer at first

I'll get a job during the days
and I'll work nights too

as soon as I lick that pesky
fear-of-the-dark thing.

Well, you know, Carlton,
I was thinking

that I would get a job, too.

Oh, don't worry about it.

No wife of mine's
gonna have to work.

I mean, you can stay home
and take care of the kids.

Exactly how many kids?

Well, you know what they say

eight is enough.

[laughs]

Look, Carlton,
I need to, uh..

Would you watch
the baby for a minute?

Sure.

[baby cries]

Shh! Shh! Please, sweetie,
please don't cry.

Here comes little Mr. Ducky.

Doesn't he quack you up?
Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, wow!
If I could pass like that

they wouldn't make me
play on the girls' team.

[baby crying]

Shh!

They'll throw us out. Shh!

♪ Oh Mandy ♪

♪ You came and you gave
without takin' ♪

♪ But I sent you away
oh Mandy ♪

♪ You kissed me and
stopped me from shakin' ♪

♪ But I need you today ♪

Ha ha ha!

That's my boy.

And if there's anyone here
who feels this couple

should not be joined
in holy matrimony

let them speak now or forever
hold their peace.

Stop, man. Don't do it! You
don't know if the baby's yours!

How did you know
I'm having a baby?

What? You're having a baby?

Oh, yo, hey.
Look, m-my fault, y'all.

You see, m-my cousin
was supposed..

Hey, congratulations, man.

Uh, so, y-you're
having his baby.

What a wonderful way to say
how much I love you, huh?

[chuckles]

You're too late, Will.

Oh, man, you did it?
Tell me you didn't do it.

God, please tell me
you didn't marry her.

I didn't marry her.

Yes. You the man.

She left me.

I got the feeling
she didn't wanna live with
me.

What made you think that?

She said she didn't
want to live with me.

Oh, man.. I mean, she can't just
walk out on you like that.

And what if the kid's yours?

- He's not.
- Uh, Carlton, come on.

Just because the baby's cute,
doesn't mean

you're not the father.

I never slept with her.

But..

Look, since we're in a church,
I feel the need

to confess something.
Please don't laugh.

This is really hard
for me to say.

I'm, uh...uh..

[sighs]

[mumbles]

Wh.. You a German?

No.

I'm a virgin.

What?

- I'm a virgin!
- Oh.

It's nice to know
somebody still is!

Hey, look, Carlton, man,
uh, I mean..

I didn't know.

I mean, h-hey, I mean,
don't feel bad, though.

I mean, a lot of guys are

y-you know, Germans.

Will, I feel so...unused.

I mean..

Promise me you
won't tell anyone?

Hey, hey, Carlton,
come on, man

you ain't got nothing to be
ashamed of.

I mean, everybody talks about
how much pressure there is on

girls to have sex. I mean,
there's pressure on us, too.

- That's why we lie about it.
- You lie about it?

You mean,
you're a virgin, too?

Shh! Keep your voice
down, man. I..

Hey, I ain't no virgin!

Oh, sorry.

Hey look, man, when it come
to me and the honeys

I just say.. Duh-do..
Ooh, yuck.. Yucky!

Will, I'm really
going to miss her.

W-where did she go?

Back to her parents.

When she called and told them
she was going to marry me

they came and got her.

Hey, look, Carlton, man

they're wrong about you.

You're a great guy, man.

Hey, look. Uh, come on, let's go
home so you can get in trouble.

Oh, and don't worry
about it, man.

I mean, one day the right girl's
going to come along

and I mean, you won't be a
German forever, you know?

Good, 'cause I'm
really looking forward

to losing my accent.

[instrumental music]

H-hey, don't you dare
try to hang up on me!

Now, who do you think you are?

What kind of lowlifes
are you people

to throw a, a helpless minor
out onto the street

with a, with a helpless infant?

I'll call you back.

Who are you people
to talk to my uncle like that

with a helpless infant
and-and helpless actors

with all these helpless people?

(Philip)
Okay, here. This is it.

(Will)
Somebody please help us.