03x16 - Bundle of Joy

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

You know, I used to think
the only reason to k*ll a man

was self-defense,
but I just spent 45 minutes

in the Volvo
with another reason.

[sighs]
What's wrong with him?

This idiot
is taking a mime class.

Carlton, get away..

I swear to God, Carlton,
get away from me with it.

Stop. Stop playing, Car..

Carlton, stop, or I'll
hang you with that rope!

Alright, that's it!
That's it!

I was going to throw him out
on the freeway

but you know
the old saying..

"A mime is
a terrible thing to waste."

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped turned
upside down and I'd like to ♪

♪ Take a minute just sit right
there I'll tell you ♪

♪ How I became the prince
of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is
where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell ya later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Now we are entering the kitchen.

This is where we eat..

...some of us
more than others.

And this is your mom here.

She look like she eating
for a couple

brothers herself.

Will, what are you doing
with that microphone?

Um, making a tape
for the, uh, coming attraction.

You know, I was going to
knit some booties or somethin'

but, you know, I had to get
yarn and, and needles and..

Oh, I'd have had
to learn how to knit.

See, now, Uncle Phil,
the concept is to aesthetically

capture for posterity,
the sounds

that are familiar
to this house.

Will, I'm eating.

You'll hear
a lot of that.

You're grounded.

Okay, that about sums up
Uncle Phil.

Yo, G,
what sound do you think

accurately depicts
your position in the family?

[machine whirrs]

[stops]

You're sick, man.
See a therapist, okay?

Hey, Ashley,
say something to the baby.

[blubbering lips]

- Care to elaborate?
- A lot.

Uh, don't feel bad,
she just mad

'cause she found out
she ain't adopted.

So mom's having a baby.
Big deal.

I bet you didn't go
through all this for me.

You probably smoked cigarettes
and rode horseback

until the day I was born.

Ashley, honey, come one,
we prepared for you

and took the same precautions
as we did

for Hilary and Carlton.

Ah...bungee jumping.

Philip, the baby's moving.
Feel my stomach.

Hey, I move all the time.
Let's have a party.

All you guys do is
talk about the baby.

The baby's clothes, the baby's
room, the baby, baby, baby.

You'll forget about me
after you have it, mommy.

I can see it coming.

(Carlton)
'How's my little baby sister?'

Good morning, Geoffrey.

Good morning, everybody.

[baby babbling]

Geoffrey,
my place isn't set

and where's my food?

Oh, hey, let me feed
my favorite little cousin.

- Oh, no, come on..
- Oh, I thought it was my turn.

Ah, ah, my turn.

I thought I was
your favorite cousin.

What do I have to do,
spit up on your shirt?

Shh. Shh.
Y'all hear somethin'?

Yeah, how about me screaming
at the top of my lungs?

Aah!

Mm. Guess not.
I be tripping, boy.

Tripping.

Daddy.

There's my favorite little girl.

Daddy, don't you remember me?

- 'Ooh..'
- It's me Ashley.

Coochie-coochie-coo.

Oh, she's so precious.

You know,
she reminds me of someone.

That little girl that used to
hang out around here?

Pretty little thing.
Black hair.

- Amanda.
- Ashley.

Or was it Anna?

No, Ashley.

I'm pretty sure
it was Apollonia.

No, it was Ashley!

Well, hold up.
Was it, um, Ashley?

Yes! Yeah.

- Nah.
- No.

That's a stupid name anyway..

Ashley, honey, your father
and I have always been here

and we will always
make time for you.

Hilary, why not? I mean,
it will help your ratings.

I don't want to hear
about it anymore. Okay?

Now, here come your two elder
siblings, Dopey and Greedy.

No, Carlton, I will not plug
your stupid school play

on my weather spot today,
tomorrow, or ever.

Oh, for your information

"Brigadoon"is a classic
musical comedy.

No, man, for my money

classic musical comedy?
Milli Vanilli.

Think about it.

Hilary's special
because she's the oldest.

Carlton's the only boy.

I was the baby,
but who am I now?

The whiner.

Look, lighten up, Ashley.

I mean, we all have
our burdens to bear.

When the new Banks arrives

dad's going to have
to update his will.

Which means there'll be another

slice of the pie
I won't be getting.

I mean, what about my needs?
What about me? What about--

Shut up, Carlton.

Good call.

[instrumental music]

I can't wait till
the new baby is born.

Then I can do all those special
things that big sisters do.

Like when you took
up to the attic window

and told me I could fly?

Or when you told me
it was okay to roller-skate

down the steps?

Judging by your lovely brothers
and sisters, you're gonna need

an insurance policy
before you're potty trained.

Look, I'll have you guys
know that

I had a hand in raising you.

I'll be a positive influence
on the new baby.

You just wait and see.

Hilary, baby,
you're 30 years old.

Don't you think it's about time
you moved out on your own?

[sighs]
That is so unfair.

Mom's 50 years old, and you
haven't pushed her out the door.

Why do I even bother?

Cindy!

Aren't you forgetting something,
baby sister?

You're prettier
than I'll ever be?

[chuckles]
Something else.

Ah! Good.

Now, I'm feeling
a little warm.

[sighing]
So, tell me
about your day at school

and move a little
to the left.

Well, Miss Randolph
gave a pop quiz, and I--

- Do you like my outfit?
- It's real pretty.

Hilary, my arm
is starting to hurt.

Oh, you poor baby.

Use the other arm.

Maybe you should
start lifting weights.

Anyway,
go on with your story.

Well, Myra Walker
brought a hamster

to class for show and tell--

Should I color my hair?

No. It's beautiful.

[chuckles]
It is, isn't it?

Oh! Guess what?

I have a little surprise
for you.

- Ta-da!
- Oh, goody!

- A shoeshine kit!
- Oh..

I know I spoil you,
but I just couldn't resist.

Do you like my shoes?

They're great.

Well, you know

they'd be even better
if they were shiny.

Can't I put
the fan down first?

Mm. This time.
It is your birthday.

But don't make a habit of it.

A spit polish.

I meant on the shoes.

Maybe I'd just be better off
being invisible.

Oh, I'm sorry,
what'd you say, Ash?

Oh, h-hold there, home fry.

Say a little something to spud.

Hey, little bro,
piece of advice

don't lend Will a penny,
even if he begs

and he will.

That's your brother Carlton.
You'll recognize him.

He's the one at eye level.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, hello, Dr. Graham.

Yes, this is Philip Banks.

Oh, fine, fine.
Thank you, and how are you?

Uh, unusual?

I see. Uh, I-I see.

Are you sure?

Okay, I'll-I'll,
I'll tell her right away.

Thank you.
Thank you, doctor.

Vivian,
y-you better sit down.

I am sitting down.

Philip, is there something wrong
with the baby?

No. T-that was the doctor.

He just said that he thinks
that we're having twins.

- Twins!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, two buns! Two buns!

[thudding]

[instrumental music]

- Come on, daddy.
- Daddy?

- Philip, honey.
- Oh, dad..

I got it, y'all.
Look out, look out.

[sniffing]

- What happened?
- Oh..

Come on, get him up.
Get him up.

I remember
something about, about twins.

Then I had this incredible urge
for a sausage.

Philip, the doctor called,
but there must be some mistake.

I couldn't possibly
be having twins.

Well, we'll have to split
the inheritance four ways

thanks to
forget-the-pill, Phil.

Is that all
you think about?

Pretty much.

[scoffs]
I don't know about y'all.

I'm excited we having twins.

I mean, now you can finally have
the son you always wanted.

Well, they already have me.

Now you can finally have the son
you always wanted.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, yes, doctor.

Well, you know, I figured
there must be some mistake.

I knew I couldn't
possibly be having twins.

[chuckles]
Triplets?

That's right, Mrs. Banks.

You'll be having
three little ones

so I suggest
a lot more help

preferably a young nanny,
amply endowed

with no inhibitions.

Ahem.

Oh, hello. Ahem..

Might I get you anything?

An explanation.

Mid-life crisis?

Geoffrey,
why did you do it?

I'm terribly sorry, madam.

It was just the thought
of one more person

to clean up after
was more than I could bear.

Geoffrey, this baby is
all of our responsibility.

And I promise you, we will not
leave you with all the work.

[baby crying]

[indistinct chatter]

[baby crying]

Geoffrey, I told you
I wanted tomatoes in my omelet.

Geoffrey, I need some sliced
cucumbers for my eyelids.

[sighs]

[telephone ringing]

G, the phone's ringing.

Geoffrey,
you did my homework all wrong.

Do it again.

Master William,
would you go change the baby?

I'm trying to do
ten things at once.

Uh, sorry, no can do, G. I'm
about to go sh**t some hoops.

Hey, do me a favor. Spit
shine
my kicks for me, though.

Thanks.

[ringing continues]

Oh, for heaven's sake!
I'll get it!

[sighs]
Hello.

Oh, hi, daddy.

Geoffrey is so lazy.

So, how's Jamaica?

What you buy me?
Oh! Great, great!

Okay. Well, we'll see you soon.
Bye.

Well, what did
your father say?

For God's sake,
when are they coming back?

They'll be home
in time for graduation.

[sighing]

- Thank heavens.
- The baby's.

They figure you can
handle things until then.

Yo, G, check it out,
I'm a peace-loving brother

but if you don't hurry up
with my kicks

I'm going to split
your wig, man.

I want a new omelet.

- Homework.
- Cucumbers.

[overlapping chatter]

Calgon, take me away!

Geoffrey,
you're exaggerating.

And you're lying
through your bonded teeth.

Well, that's Geoffrey.

He pretends
he doesn't like the family

but deep down inside,
he really hates us.

That's not true.
I can tolerate Miss Ashley.

Man, I can't wait
to start my own family.

Yo, I want to have a whole bunch
of kids, like, six.

I'll have them
one right after another.

Will, we're talking about kids,
not malt liquor.

Carlton, why don't you shut
up
before we send you back

to that white family
that dropped you off

on the doorstep?

I don't know
if I want to have kids.

Why not?

I told you,
I don't know.

Oh, Hilary, honey, you're going
to change your mind.

Having kids
makes life worthwhile.

Boy, I just can't wait.

I mean, I'm gonna have
the perfect life

with the perfect wife
and the perfect kids.

Just perfect.

[dramatic music]

Honey, I'm home!

Hi, dear.

Did you have a tough day

sh**ting the naked centerfolds?

Ah, yeah, baby, it was hell.

Today we sh*t
La Toya Jackson.

I had to keep turning the lights
off 'cause she was melting.

You poor baby.

Why don't you glue yourself
to the television set

completely ignore me,
and play Nintendo

until you're too tired
to make love.

I mean, you don't mind?

Have I ever? I'm perfect.

- Hello, father.
- Hello, father.

Hey, Shaquille,
Barkley, Jordan!

Okay, forget about that.
Check it out.

Why don't we go outside,
and, uh, sh**t some hoops?

What are hoops?

I think he's referring
to that sport

where a spherical object
is thrown

into a round receptacle

at opposite ends of a court.

You watch your mouth, boy.

Alright, look,
forget basketball. Come
here.

Come here, come here.

What do y'all say we sneak
and
get some candy before dinner?

But that would spoil
our appetite

and tonight
we're having liver.

[cheering]

Shantay!

Don't do that!

I'm sorry, dear.

- Did you want something?
- Yes.

I'd like to know what pods
these kids came from.

Actually, father,
we came from a zygote.

You see,
in human reproduction--

Aw, knock it off.

Ever since you won
that Nobel Prize

you think
you're so doggone smart.

Honey, you seem tense.

I am tense.
Everybody all perfect, baby.

[mumbles]

Why don't I send
the children away

and dress up in that French
maid's uniform

and give you a nice
hot-oil massage?

You, you, you!

Why must everything
always be about you?

What about my needs?

I'm sorry, honey.

What do you want?

I want a girl with extensions
in her hair

a-and bamboo earrings,
at least two pair.

I want kids that
pick their noses sometimes

and-and roll me
when I'm drunk.

I mean, I want a dirty house.

No! I want a dirty house!

I want to argue in public,
you know?

I want you
to have a headache sometime.

Uh, I want a regular life.
I-I want a regular marriage!

Sweetheart,
you seem upset.

Let's all give daddy
a great big hug.

- No! No!
- Yay!

No-o-o!

See, Will, I told you
this baby thing

was a lousy idea.

Kids aren't
all they're cracked up to be.

And I know. I used to be one.

Now, stop it, all of you.

Now I cannot wait
for this baby to get here.

And that's not just because
I'm retaining

more water than the Hoover Dam.

Ashley, honey, we're not gonna
forget you when the baby comes.

You'll see this will bring us
all closer together.

That's true, Ash.
I mean look at us now.

The last time
we sat around like this

was when they
reran"Roots."

Maybe you guys are right.

We shouldn't be so selfish
and think about ourselves

all the time. Geoffrey.

Well, I guess I don't mind

sharing my inheritance
with the baby.

We're not dead yet, Carlton.

Hey, it's
a cruel world, big guy.

And you're not gonna be
in it forever.

Come on, now, now. Come on,
let's not spoil the mood.

Come on,
let's go to dinner, huh?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Come on,
you too, Geoffrey.

Zippity!

And might I add do-dah?

Maybe this will be
a good idea.

- I'm gonna go grab my sweater.
- Okay.

- Mm, I don't feel good.
- Forget it, Hilary.

- You're coming.
- Okay.

But I'm not sitting between you
and the dessert cart.

Last time,
I almost lost an eye.

Okay, so where we going?

Uh, I say Snuffy's Catfish
and Biscuits.

Ugh! Why don't we just go
eat out of a dumpster?

Come on.
Let's decide in the car.

- Alright.
- How about Haitian?

Let's get some Haitian food.
French?

I'm ready! Hey, you know,
I'm feeling really silly

about that invisible stuff.

Where'd everybody go?

[car door shuts]

[car starts]

Hey! No!
Hey, wait for me!

Oh, God!

And all those big nasty women
you be bringing up in here, too

you think Uncle Phil
don't know. He knows.

He knows what you do, Geoffrey.
Okay?

Now I'm asking you
to just do my sneaks.

I wanna go.
I wanna run some balls.

There's gonna be some girls
there. I gotta look cute.

If I have dirty sneaks, other
guys are gonna get the girls.

All I'm asking
is to have some clean sneaks

when I go dunk on some people.
Alright?

So, Geoffrey,
straighten your act up..

Okay, look,
g-get the cucumbers.

(Geoffrey)
Calgon, take me away!