04x10 - Home Is Where the Heart att*ck Is

[bunniefuu]

Your health is no formality, Mr. Banks.

A man carrying as much weight as you
are at your age has got to face the facts.

Come on, I've kept myself
in pretty good shape.

Well, your blood pressure's up.
You've a history of high cholesterol.

- Come on, I've got a heart like a bull.
- Don't take it for granted.

Although the heart is the strongest
muscle, it has the most responsibility.

There are a lot of things
that can affect your heart.

Morning, all.

- Morning, Will.
- Morning, Master William.

Hey.

- What's up, Aunt Viv?
- Is that doctor still in with your uncle?

Oh, yeah, he sure is, Aunt Viv.
Oh, you know what?

I heard the doctor say he thinks
Uncle Phil might have Dunlap syndrome.

Dunlap syndrome? What's that?

Mean his belly done lapped
over his belt.

Hold on a minute.
I'll have you know my father is not fat.

He's just big-boned.

Larger than life.

Yeah, he's also larger
than the Volvo.

Will, it's not funny.

Cholesterol is gathering
in his arteries...

...stopping the blood flow
like rush-hour gridlock.

Hold it, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Dad will probably outlive all of us.

Only if he eats us first.

And you wonder why Daddy won't give
you money for your little trip to Mexico.

But if you ask me...

...I think it's a waste of time
to even consider life insurance.

Now, honey, your father's
a very responsible man.

He wants to make sure that if anything
happens to him, we'll be taken care of.

That's true. After all, Daddy has gotten
us used to living this fancy lifestyle.

Oh, did I tell you?
I went in on a racehorse.

- Hey, what's up?
- Will.

- Good morning, sir.
- Geoffrey.

- What did the doctor say?
- Everything's fine.

Well, he was a little worried
about my weight.

Do you realize you're eating
about a million grams of fat?

Thank you, honey.

I'm serious, Daddy.

I'm not gonna sit here and watch you
eat yourself into an early grave.

- Okay, then you're excused.
- Fine.

- Hey.
- Ashley, what are you doing?

Something you all should've done
a long time ago.

Well, she does have a point,
Uncle Phil.

I mean, hey, I'm getting tired
of the fat jokes myself.

What is wrong with you people?

I weigh the same thing
I weighed in high school.

Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Guess I'm not getting as tired
of those fat jokes as I thought, huh?

I'm worried about you, Daddy.
I love you.

Ashley, sweetheart...

...if you feel that way about it,
I'll go on a little diet.

- You promise?
- I promise.

- And you'll exercise too?
- Well...

If you want a good workout,
go with me tomorrow.

- Where are you going?
- sh**ting the rapids at Dead Man's Falls.

See, my therapist said the only way
for me to get over Trevor's death...

...is to confront it.

But Trevor d*ed doing a bungee jump.

I know. I'm working up to that.

Well, I'm off to my skydiving class.

Whoa, whoa, Hil.

That's not your parachute.
That's my book bag.

That would've been embarrassing.

Yo, Carlton, what's up, man?
What you working on?

It's an assignment from English class.

I'm supposed to imagine myself
20 years from now.

No wonder you're so depressed.

I figure, 20 years from now, my dad will
be taking his seat on the Supreme Court.

We'll still see each other,
especially on weekends...

...when he and Mom come by
to see me and little Carlton.

You are little Carlton.

And if the family is at all consistent
my wife's wise-guy nephew...

...will move in
and make my life a living hell.

Your wife?

Oh, this is science fiction.

Oh, Uncle Phil.
Hey, you been out on the courts?

Played a little tennis with Ashley.

I can't remember
when I've worked up such a sweat.

And you've certainly
earned your lunch.

What the heck is this?

Chicken, sir.

You probably don't recognize it without
a thick coating of batter and gravy.

I can't do this.

I can't give up my favorite foods
cold turkey with...

Oh, my God.

Turkey.

With pillowy mounds
of mashed potatoes...

...butter-drenched dressing,
tiny onions...

...swimming in a sea of cream sauce.

Yo, Uncle Phil,
snap out of it, man.

Come on, now, those days are over.
You promised Ashley.

You're right, Will. You're right, I did.

Geoffrey...

...I could make this worth your while.

Well, sir, for a price...

...I could show you something
in a greasy snack.

What's going on here?

Put your hands up.

Step away from the chips.

Listen, Dad, you might not care
about how clogged your arteries are...

...but I do, and I'm doing
something about it.

- And doing a wonderful job, I might add.
- Shut up, Geoffrey.

The kitchen is officially closed
for high-fat inventory.

Come on.

Will, could I speak to you
in the family room, please?

Oh, yeah, sure thing, Uncle Phil.

- About what?
- This.

This is crazy.

Come on, what you talking about,
Uncle Phil?

Oh, this one's easy.

Ashley hid the remote control,
so I have to walk to the TV.

Geoffrey's feeding me
all kinds of healthy food.

Why does she hate me, Will?

Come on, Uncle Phil. I say she's
just following the doctor's orders.

You gotta lose some weight, man.

But this is getting out of hand.

Ashley has spies at every
fast food restaurant for miles.

You know, I'd give anything
for a cheeseburger, Will.

Anything.

Why, I might even finance
your little trip to Mexico.

How you trying to play me,
Uncle Phil?

Mexico is important to me,
but not if it will jeopardize your health.

Look, I know the doctor's
telling the truth.

It's just, I've got a lot going on.
I'm under a lot of pressure.

You let me get
a running start at this diet.

See?

How much running you talking about?

Well...

Well, I'll make a New Year's resolution,
and by March... February...

...you won't even recognize
your old Uncle Phil.

And that's this New Year's, right?

Well, you have my solemn vow.

- Well, I'm off.
- What are you dressed for?

I'm learning to drive
a Formula 1 racecar.

Hilary, I've had enough
of your death-defying stunts.

And I want it stopped now.

What he means, dear...

...is we don't wanna see you
taking risks like this.

My therapist was right.
You just aren't nurturing enough.

Mom, I don't think
we can go to the movies tonight.

Why not?

No one's gonna be home except for Dad.
I'm afraid he's gonna cheat on his diet.

What? You don't think
you can trust me?

Don't worry, honey, there's no
unhealthy food in the house...

...and I'll take the car keys
with me.

This is ridiculous.

Okay, I'll put all the local pizza places
on alert, and tell them not to deliver.

Doesn't my word
mean anything to you?

Of course it does, darling.

Better call the Chinese restaurants too.

You got the stuff?

Right here.

You got the money?

You take a check?

- I'm leaving for Mexico in a hour.
- I don't know if I have that cash on me.

I hope there's an ATM.
I've been buying your food all week.

- I got no problem eating your dinner.
- All right, all right, all right. Here.

It's good to see you're
not wasting time chewing.

See, that's what you get
for eating all fast.

Let me get you something for that.

Here's one, Uncle Phil.

Relieves cramps, bloating
and irritability.

Oh, no, no, this is Geoffrey's.

- Will...
- Oh, here's one, Uncle Phil.

It says it relieves gas
and I got to be honest...

...the past couple of days
you've been a little...

- No.
- Oh, what you want?

I want an ambulance.
I think I'm having a heart att*ck.

That's a nice hat.

Thanks a lot, man.
Look, is my uncle gonna be all right?

Don't worry,
he's my fourth heart att*ck today...

...and I already lost one of them.

A two-death day is rare.

I don't care how rare it is. You better
make sure you don't lose this one!

- Will, I can't breathe.
- Hey, my uncle can't breathe, man!

Could be because
you're leaning on his air hose.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be all right, Will.
I'll be fine.

You go with your friends to Mexico.
I'll be okay.

No, no, no. I'm with you, man.

I'm staying with you till the end.

That was a really poor choice
of words. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

Would you do me a favor, Will?

We are not stopping for no burger.

No, no...

Would you tell Carlton
to look after the family, Will...

...just in case this is my last ride?

Your last ride?
What you talking about, man?

We gonna go for plenty rides
in ambulances, man.

I mean, you gonna be all right,
Uncle Phil.

Hey, man, he is gonna be all right,
isn't he?

Well, if I say he is and he croaks,
you're gonna be upset, right?

You're a real people person,
aren't you?

I guess.

Hey, if he still wants to stop
for a burger...

...I can get Troy
to swing by the drive-through.

With the siren on,
we don't have to wait in line.

Why are they taking so long
with those tests?

The emergency doctor
said it's routine with heart att*cks.

Where's Carlton?

I left a message on the phone machine.
I was sure he'd be here by now.

This is all my fault. I pushed Daddy
way too hard on the tennis courts.

No, Ashley, it was me.

I scared him half to death
with my stupid thrill-seeking.

I'm afraid, dear family,
that I am the culprit.

What do you mean, Geoffrey?

Years of my rich sauces,
prime cuts of beef...

...sumptuous desserts
have certainly gone to his heart.

Yes, but if I wasn't there
to excuse his behavior...

...this never would've happened.

Good point.

You can't blame yourself, Mom.

"Oh, go ahead, Philip, have dessert.
You've had a hard day."

"Not to worry,
we can let those pants out."

"I'm too tired. Go downstairs
and have a snack."

I hate to interrupt this guilt-fest...

...but I think I have to take the rap
for this one.

Well, you have been a little wild
these past four years.

Not to mention your negative
influence on Carlton.

Let's not forget
his constant barrage of fat jokes.

Or his elephant jokes.

Stop it, everybody.

You're making Will feel bad.

No, no, it's cool, Ash. They're right.

It is my fault.

Especially since I've been sneaking
him food for the past week.

- You what?
- Nothing...

I mean, he said it was only
going to be until New Year's.

- How could you?
- Well, it wasn't all bad food.

I mean, the fried rice
had bean sprouts in it.

Uncle Phil, I'm sorry, man.

You wouldn't even be in here
if I wasn't sneaking you food.

Look, I love you, man.
I never meant to hurt you.

I'm sorry.

Uncle Phil, what are you doing there?

I had a heart att*ck, Will.

Hey, how come you didn't tell me
you weren't my uncle, man?

Well, nobody ever comes to visit me.

I crave the attention.

Will, see if he's gonna finish his IV.

Yeah, me bringing you food is what
got you in here in the first place.

What? You think a week's worth
of chili burgers put me in here?

Forget about it. It's from years
of not taking care of myself.

Yeah, but I ain't had to help you.

Come on, I hustled you to get food.
Nobody blames you.

A whole room full of people
with a different opinion.

Oh, the family's here?

Well, just about.
Carlton's not here yet.

No?

We left a message for him.
He probably just didn't get it yet.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. That's it.

- That Carlton your son?
- Yes.

Yeah, I got a son.
He don't come to visit me either.

- I'll send the family in, Uncle Phil.
- Okay.

Excuse me. Are you the Banks family?

- Yes, we are.
- I'm Dr. Kevarkian.

Not Kevorkian.
Kevarkian with an A.

How's my father doing?

He's going to be fine.

But he's gonna have to start
taking care of himself.

Is he still awake?

You can go see him.

- Why don't you take the baby home.
- Very well, Miss Hilary.

Is that Carlton?
Mr. Banks has been asking for him.

Carlton's a little bigger,
wears a bow tie.

Oh, doctor, before I leave...

...could I ask you a couple of
questions...

...about ointments?

Don't be stupid, Carlton.
What are you doing?

Cleaning the oven.
What's your problem?

How come you're not
at the hospital, man?

It says right here on the label
to let foam sit for 45 minutes.

My hands are tied.

Carlton, what's the matter
with you, man?

- Your father had a heart att*ck...
- You don't know that.

It could be acute indigestion.
Even doctors have made that mistake.

Does that window
look smudged to you?

Carlton, you're going down to that
hospital if I have to knock you out...

...and call an ambulance.
- You come near me, I'll spray.

Man, you don't know
how lucky you are.

You can be with your father
whenever you want.

You can eat with him and argue
with him. He's there for you.

You know where my father is?

No.

Neither do I.

Look, I don't wanna see my father
with tubes up his nose, okay?

There's gonna come a time
when all he has is tubes up his nose...

- Not my father!
- Everybody's father!

Except mine because
I don't know where the hell he is!

You don't understand, Will.

Yes, I do.

You're selfish.

Your father's resting.
Why don't you take your family home.

Oh, well, they finally fell asleep.
I don't wanna wake them.

You don't sleep?

I've got a lot on my mind,
Dr. Kevorkian.

Kevarkian with an A.

Call me Russell. I'm on break now.

You wanna go downstairs
and have an early breakfast?

Well, thank you, Russell,
but I can't.

- I'm in mourning.
- Your father's gonna be fine.

Oh, no. See, my fiancé
had this unfortunate accident.

That's why I was supposed
to go bungee jumping earlier today.

- Dr. Martling said... Do you know him?
- No.

He's my therapist. He thought if I
jumped from the same place Trevor ju...

He didn't exactly say that.

You know how your therapist says one
thing and means something else...

...and you have to figure out
therapist talk?

- You can never understand...
- Oh, look at that, I'm being beeped.

I didn't hear any beep.

Dad?

- Are you okay?
- Me?

I'll be fine.
I'll be out of this bed in no time.

How about you?

- Are you okay?
- Me?

Sure, I mean...

I should've come sooner, Dad, but I
was scared. You're like Superman to me.

Yeah...

...cheesecake is my kryptonite.

I'm sorry I let you down, son.

You could never let me down, Dad.

I love you.

Hey, Superman,
ask junior to get me a bedpan.

Whoop, there he is.

Oh, man. Hey, Uncle Phil,
bet you never thought...

...you'd get
a standing O in this house?

There was a time I never thought
I'd see this house again.

You was probably worried about
just seeing this kitchen again, right?

I'm sorry, that's a leftover fat joke.
I'm tripping.

Go ahead.
Well, you get them in while you can.

Soon I'll be a lean, mean
judicial machine.

I'll cover all bets on that one.

Daddy, we're not gonna do anything
to make you upset ever again.

Oh, by the way,
I dented the Mercedes.

Sweetheart, I am so glad
to have you home safe and well.

And if you ever do anything
to scare me like that again, I'll k*ll you.

Don't worry, I won't.

I'm lucky to have
such a wonderful family.

Even my pain-in-the-butt
nephew.

- I love you too, Uncle Phil.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, come on, let's go watch some TV.
- Okay.

- There's still no furniture.
- Oh, that's all right.

Oh, man, we don't have no remote.

Sure we do. Geoffrey!

Do you realize you're eating
about a million grams of fat?

Thank you, honey.

Geoffrey, you're skimping
on the provolone, huh?

I'm serious, Daddy.

I'm not gonna sit here and watch
you eat yourself into an early grave.

So you're gonna throw a fork at me?

I tried to keep going.

Hold, please!