06x21 - I, Stank Hole in One

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Will.
- Hey, what's up, C?

How come you're not dressed
for the golf tournament?

Because I'm not playing
this year.

- Y'all play every year.
- Yeah, and every year we lose.

And frankly, I'm sick
of being a big loser.

Come on, C, you're not big.

Besides, I made other plans.

I'm attending
a three-day seminar

on how to buy
foreclosed properties.

You wouldn't believe
the amount of money to be made

kicking people
out of their own homes.



Such a big heart
for such a little man.

Boy, I can't wait
to hit those links.

[chuckles]
How about you, partner?

Uh, bad news, big guy.
I made other plans.

Other plans?

Carlton,
this is a Banks' tradition.

With you going off to Princeton
in the fall

this is one of the last chances
we're gonna have to play golf

and spend some quality time
together.

- I'm sorry, big guy.
- Oh!

Seem to me
you gonna need somebody

to replace him, Uncle Phil.

Right, right, right. But who?

Ah. Fore. Uh!

Oh, Will,
would you like to play?

- Oh, me? No.. Yes.
- Mm.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Aunt Viv, I'm playing
the golf tournament this year

with Uncle Phil,
and we are definitely gonna win.

Please, all you men think
about is win, win, win.

Well, that's not exactly
allwe think about

if you know
what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm saying, C?

Yeah, yeah.

Ashley's right.
Take us for example.

We enter
the club tennis tournament

every year
just for the fun of it.

And just because we win,
doesn't make it any more fun.

Exactly. Of course, we don't
have losing to compare it
to.

You go, girl.

Well, Will,
if we're gonna be partners

we'd better get in
some practice, huh?

Let's go down to the club
and hit a few balls.

You got it.
Hey, right behind you.

Oh, Will, Will, um, listen,
just out of curiosity

what is the other thing
men think about?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there I'll tell
you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving with
your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab ♪

♪ And when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say ♪

♪ That this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[glass shatters]

Oh, goody. I thought I was
going to run out of things

to do today.

Good God, Geoffrey,
this place is a mess.

Miss Hilary,
it's comments like that

that makes this job worthwhile.

Geoffrey, Regis Philbin
is going to be here any minute.

Ah. Another pair of hands
to lighten the load.

This is important.
Kathie Lee has the flu.

He's looking for a co-host
while he's in Los Angeles.

Whoa, that's a big deal, Hil.
Hey, anything I can do to help?

Yeah. Don't talk to him.

I don't want anyone
to mess it up

by saying something stupid.

It's going to be
a very quiet meeting.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, pretty, pretty, please.
Let me get it.

Will, there is one thing
you can do to help me.

- Oh, anything, Hil. Name it.
- Leave.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Mr. Regis Philbin.

Hilary. Hilary, it's great
to finally meet you.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Philbin.
- Please, call me Regis.

Hey, what's up, Regis?

You can call me Mr. Philbin.

That's a joke.

[laughing]

- I got him.
- I love this guy.

Look, I'm on my way
to the studio

so I'll cut
right to the chase, Hilary.

If you're available,
we'd love for you to substitute

for Kathie Lee this week.

- I'd love to. Thank you. Yes.
- Would you?

Great. Great.
Listen, I gotta run

but I'll see you later
at rehearsal.

- Okay.
- Okay? Great.

Listen, by the way,
try reversing your grip.

It'll keep you from pushing
the putt to the right.

Oh, I'll try it.
Thanks a lot, Reg.

Hey, don't ever call me Reg.

[laughs]

Okay.
Boy, you are so funny, Reg.

No, I'm serious.
Don't ever call me Reg.

Well, if it isn't
Martina and Steffi.

[laughs]

How'd the first round
of your tournament go?

Great. We won.
But then again, we always do.

Yes. Black number five,
coming up.

[humming]

"Black number five coming up.
Ha-ha-ha."

Hey, Uncle Phil.
Dude, I was just at the range.

Man, I was El Kabong-ing
that joint a mile.

And I'm gonna pretend
I ain't see that little dance

you was just doing.

Okay. Look, Will,
I have to go to the pro shop

and pick up a sand wedge.

What? A sandwich?

Uncle Phil, we just had
breakfast a half hour ago.

Will, I said "sand wedge."
It's a club.

Yeah, I know. Turkey, bacon,
three layers of white toast.

- Banks.
- Mercer.

Whoa, your son
really sh*t up this year.

[chuckles]
This is my nephew.

- Will, this is Bob Mercer.
- How you doing?

- And his son, Bobby.
- What's up, man?

They've been club champions
for the last three years.

- Oh, four. Soon to be five.
- 'Well, I wouldn't be so sure.'

I just bought
a new set of clubs.

Well, now you need somebody
to swing them for you

and you could have a sh*t.

Oh, hey, Mercer

you should save that
dazzling wit for the courtroom.

You might even win a case.

[Will laughing]

So our makeup room
is around the corner

the control booth is
upstairs

and this is our set.

Hey, can I get you guys
in your positions for a second?

- We wanna get a light reading.
- Sure.

Great.

Oof!

I hate to be a stickler,
but that's my chair.

Oh, well, would you mind
if I sat here?

You see, my right side
has been rated my better side.

So it'd be in my best interest
to be sitting on this side.

It would be in my best interest
if I could sit in the same chair

I've been sitting in
for the last 15 years.

[laughs]

Fine.

Big baby.

Well, now, we usually
start off the show

by announcing our guests,
and then we have a little banter

go to a commercial,
bring out the first guest.

Well, that's a good way.

But what if we do it the way
we do it on my show?

Which is, we bring out
the guest first

and then we do that
little banter thing later.

Again, we've been using
this format for many, many years

and it seems to work, you know?

You know the old saying,
"If it ain't broke.."

I'm drawing a blank here.

"...don't fix it."

Fix what?

It.

"If it ain't broke,
don't fix it."

What's "it?"
What are you talking about?

You know, maybe we'd better skip
the banter altogether, you know?

Big baby.

[laughing]

Oh, man. That pro sh*t on 18
was something else.

Hold up, I don't care
what you say

I ain't never seen a sh*t
like you hit on 16.

[laughing]

Sounds like you guys won.

Hell, no, how could we?

He's an even worse golfer
than you.

[laughing]

So why are you so happy?

Oh, we had a great time.

- You had a great time losing?
- Yeah.

Oh, man, I gotta tell you,
we ain't spent quality time

like that together in years.

Well, wait till tomorrow
when we really

get our butts kicked.

Hey, Uncle Phil, how about

we throw
a couple steaks on the grill

and we can discuss our
losing
strategy for tomorrow?

That's a great idea.
I'll go start the barbie.

Uh, dad, you know,
there's a chance

I may be free to play tomorrow.

Oh, Carlton,
I wouldn't want you

to miss
your foreclosure seminar.

Oh, no, no, no, I really
won't be missing that much.

I mean, once the police
come and toss the family out

it's mostly paperwork.

Well, Carlton, Will and I
will be just fine.

Hey, Carl, let me tell you,
this dude right here

is just straight loqued-out
on a golf course, man.

You are the one who managed
to get the golf cart up

on two wheels,
and with me in it.

That's no easy trick.

Now, come on, you gotta show me

how you managed to miss
those one-foot putts.

All you gotta do
is not concentrate.

[laughing]

- I ain't tripping.
- You cr*ck me up.

I can not concentrate.

Geoffrey, have you
ever done something

because you thought
it was right thing

but then felt really stupid
about what you did?

Yes, but I'm still working here.

I was talking
about the golf tournament.

I mean, I made other plans
because I didn't wanna play

but then I saw Will and dad
having so much fun--

And now you're jealous.

Yeah, now Will and dad
are buddies

and I feel like an idiot.

Well, you shouldn't.

Not because of that anyway.

Look..

...everyone makes mistakes.

The point is to learn from them.

And most important

not to try
to solve your problems

with hasty immature actions.

Hey, man, look what happened
to my golf clubs.

Bet it was that dirty boy
Bobby Mercer.

You know, it's always
the quiet ones.

Will, Will.
Are you ready to go?

- What happened?
- He-hey, man, I don't know.

Well, I guess there's
only one solution.

- I'll get my clubs.
- Great.

You can play
with Carlton's clubs.

Wait, Carl.. Wha-what, I'm
supposed to play on my knees?

Well, I guess you're stuck then.

But never fear,
Carlton Banks is here.

I'll just have a change my plans
and take Will's place.

No, no, Carlton, I really don't
want you to miss your seminar.

- No, no, no, I don't mind.
- No, I have a better idea.

I'll just buy you a new set.

You're gonna need them
because we're gonna be playing

a lot of golf together, buddy.

Well, why not? I guess
I can play just as bad

with the news ones
as I did with the old ones.

- Maybe worse.
- Ha-ha-ha.

sh**t, with my swing,
I might as well play with these.

[laughing]

Geoffrey, would you mind?

Oh, I suppose not,
Master Carlton.

You know, Regis, I know
we've
already covered this ground

but I'd really like to sit
on that side.

Hilary, Hilary.
Relax, you look great.

The show is gonna be great
regardless of where we sit.

Let's just do the show
and forget about it.

Counting. In, five,
four, three, two..

Hi, everybody.
Welcome to "Live With Regis"

and my guest host for today,
Miss Hilary Banks.

Thank you for having me, Regis.

The pleasure's all mine.

We're gonna have
a great show today.

Oh, we sure are.

Today on the show, we have

Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson.

And direct from Milan,
we have--

Hilary, Hilary.

I usually announce the guests.

Oh, well, then go ahead.

And direct from Milan

one of the preeminent
fashion designers

Miss Isabella Fonte.

Now, what is the deal
with your Los Angeles freeways?

I'm driving down the San Diego--

Oh, tell me about it.

I'm driving along,
90 miles per hour

I'm putting my makeup on
when the phone rings

and I spill my Frappuccino

all over my Louis Vuitton
sports bag.

Hilary. Hilary,
what are you doing?

I'm bantering.

I-it takes two people to banter.

Not when I do it.

Well, what do you say
we bring out our first guest?

A woman who defines fashion

Miss Isabella Fonte,
ladies and gentlemen. Yes.

- Hi, Isabella. How are you?
- Good.

Nice to have you.
Have a seat right here.

Oh, it's so good to see you. Ha!

- Mom?
- Ash, honey, a quick tip.

When that little round
yellow fuzzy thing comes at you

take a swipe at it.

I'm sorry, mom. I guess
I couldn't hear it coming.

Your outfit was too loud.

Ladies, ladies,
whatever happened to teamwork?

Ashley, honey, you're
my daughter and I love you.

That's better.

But if you double fault
one more time

I am going to put you up
for adoption.

Great, maybe then
I'll wind up with a mother

who can hit a decent backhand.

I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.

(Ashley)
Well, let me say it louder then.

Uncle Phil, I'm gonna go
grab us some water, man.

Why don't you go grab the cart?

- Okay.
- Alright.

- 'Hey, Will.'
- Hey, Mr. Jenkins.

Hey, remember, you promised
you were gonna meet my daughter.

Oh, yeah, that's cool, man.

As long as she ain't got
a forehead like her daddy.

[laughing]

- That's a good one.
- Okay.

He told me
he didn't have any children.

Hey, hey, Rich, Rich, Rich, uh

I still owe you a couple
bucks
for them golf balls.

Your money's no good here, Will.
Now, put that away.

Carlton, you still owe me
for those Milk Duds.

Carlton, man,
what you doing here?

Well, I thought maybe
if you didn't wanna play today

then I'd fill in for you.

Oh, no, man, I'm kind of

getting the hang
of this thing here.

Yeah, looks like you and dad

have been having lots of
fun.

Dude, we having a ball,
look, man

I-I really need to
get out there.

You sure you don't
want me to play?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, Will!
- Carlton, I'm playing.

Hey, Banks, why don't we
save
ourselves a lot of trouble?

We'll walk over to the 18th hole

and you can just
hand me the trophy.

[laughs]
You keep talking, Mercer

and I'm gonna hand you
something else.

[Will screaming]

I'm-I'm sorry, I got this thing
that every, you know

just once in a while I..

♪ Here's a little song I wrote ♪

♪ You might want to sing it
note for note ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ In every life
we have some trouble ♪

♪ But when you worry
you make it double ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ Don't worry be happy now ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-ohh ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ Don't worry be happy ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-ohh ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ Don't worry be happy ♪

♪ Ain't got no place
to lay your head ♪

♪ Somebody came
and took your bed ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ The landlord say
your rent is late ♪

♪ He may have to litigate ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ Look at me I'm happy ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-ohh ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ Hey I'll give you
my phone number ♪

♪ When you worry call me
I'll make you happy ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-ohh ooh ooh-hoo ♪♪

- Will? Now, we're doing great.
- Right.

We're down four strokes
with nine holes to go.

Now, I know it's not about
winning or losing..

...but if you help me b*at them,
you'll never

have to work another day
in your life.

Oh, really?

Well, no,
but I'll buy you dinner.

Alright, cool, I'm gonna
grab us a couple sodas, man.

- I-I'll meet you on the tenth.
- Okay. Okay, good.

Carlton, what are you
still doing here?

I wanna play, Will, please.

I wanna be a big loser
and have fun like you and
dad.

Wait, Carlton,
I can't just quit now.

No, no, sure you can.

Come on, now help me
put your clubs in the car.

Look, Carlton, no.

Look, Will, I made a big mistake
not playing in this tournament.

Well, yeah, you said
you didn't even wanna play.

I know, but I see you guys
out there having fun

and I realize dad was right.

With me going to Princeton,
we won't have plenty of chances

left to spend
quality time together.

The time on the course
wasn't about winning or losing

it was about me
being with my dad.

Um, guess I ain't think
about it like that.

So you gonna let me play?

No, but we need a couple sodas,
why don't you bring them out?

Alright, come on, Will,
you're up.

Oh, yeah.
Sure thing, Uncle Phil.

Whew!

- Got your sodas.
- Oh.

Hey, thanks a lot, C,
I'll grab them from you

as soon as I bust this joint.

[sighs]

[groaning]

Ow! I think
I pulled my hamstring.

Will. Will, how can you pull
a hamstring playing golf?

Ow! Uh, I mean..

Ow!

My shoulder...string.

Uh-oh. An injury to a player
could mean a forfeit.

[laughs]

Oh, it hurts real bad,
Uncle Phil.

Well, that's okay, son.
Maybe next year.

Ow.

But wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hey, Carlton, come here.

Maybe you could bail me out.

I don't know.
What do you think, dad?

What do I think?

Grab your club, son.

If you help me win this thing

you'll never have to work
another day in your life.

But you have fun.

[squealing]

[breathing heavily]
So, if I make this putt, we win.

Carlton, whether
we make this putt or not

it's been a great afternoon.

Yeah.

How about if I just blow it?

No, I think
you should try to make it.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

But it doesn't matter,
right?

Carlton, will you just putt?

Okay. Okay.

You got it, boy.
I'm telling you--

Will, would you just
let him putt?

- Alright, my bad.
- Thank you.

♪ Ooh ooh-ohh ooh ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Be happy ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh ♪

♪ Don't worry be happy ♪

[cheering]

[laughing]

Oh, man, that was great.

Yo, Carlton, I gotta
give you props, man.

You dropped that putt from deep.

Thanks, Will. Hey, dad,
how about I come back every year

from Princeton to play
in the golf tournament?

Oh, I'd love it.

Hey, hey, how about I come back
from wherever I'm at?

Why?

No reason.

Listen, I'm gonna go put this
in the pool house.

[clears throat]

I mean, on the mantel
in the library.

Ah.

So, Will, how is that
shoulder-string thing?

Ooh, ah. Man, yeah.

You know, I need to go
get something to rub on it.

Maybe you should. Will?

I know what you did
for your cousin

and I'm glad you did it.

Thank you.

Oh. Hey, you're welcome,
Uncle Phil.

Hey, I still
get that dinner, right?

Yes, Will.

- Bring your Platinum card, boy.
- Oh, good.

Hey, what's up, Hil?
How'd it go with Reg?

Regis loves me for finally
bringing a little flavor

to the show.

The promo's about to come
on.

Join us tomorrow when our guests
will be Wynonna Judd

Lisa Kudrow and Luke Perry.

And, of course,
my beautiful guest co-host..

...Miss Arthel Neville.

That's right, Reg,
I'll be right here next to
you

all week.

Oh, great.
Now where am I supposed to sit?

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪