08x18 - A Bride for Buford

[bunniefuu]

(fanfare plays)

(indistinct, overlapping
conversations)

On behalf of the
citizenry of Virginia City,

as unaccustomed as I am...

You got that speech learned?

Oh, got it down pat.

On behalf of the
citizens of this great city...

Hey, here she comes.

(stage driver whooping)

(driver shouts) Whoa!

(townsfolk cheering)

Hiya, boys.

(cheering continues)

Miss Bantree... uh... (stammers)

uh... (stammers)
Dolly, uh... Here, Hoss.

(quiet, anxious laugh)

Well, uh...

well, what, uh, what he's trying
to say, ma'am, is that, well...

is that, well, what we're
all trying to say is that,

that we're just mighty happy
to have you here, ma'am.

(townsmen murmur affirmation)

Thank you.

Thank you, each
and every one of you.

I have enjoyed
western hospitality

in every city, town
and mining camp

from Furnace
Creek to Carson City,

but never have I had such a warm

and touching and
beautiful welcome

as I have received here
in Virginia City today.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Blackie?

Mr. Welles, my manager.

Mr. Welles, Roy
Coffee's my name.

- Mighty glad to know you.
- How do you do?

- This is Hoss Cartwright.
- Howdy. -BLACKIE: Hi.

- Little Joe Cartwright.
- Hi, how are you? -Joe.

And Mr. Searcy, the hotel man.

A splendid, splendid reception.

But I do have, uh,
one slight problem.

Miss Bantree's luggage.

Oh, that-that's
no problem at all.

Hoss here is one of Miss
Bantree's greatest admirers,

and he would be more than
happy to render his services.

(quiet laugh)

Yes'm, I... I sure
would. (chuckles)

Thank you.

Thank you again.

And I'll see all
you boys tonight

at the Gilded Lily.

(townsmen cheering)

M-Miss Bantree's luggage there.

Go get 'em, admirer.

(theme song playing)

The Songbird of the West.

Must have a bunch of
them little old skinny dresses

to fill up all them bags.

(men laughing)

Each performance
a matchless miracle

of tantalizing,
captivating artistry.

Better get your
tickets early, boys,

they're gonna go like hotcakes.

(g*nsh*t)

Lev and Buford Buckalew.

(g*nf*re continues)

Oh, boy, the Buckalew brothers.

Start tying everything down.

You know, I wonder if I ought
to lock them fellas up now

or wait till the trouble starts.

Well, now, that's
up to you, Roy.

- (g*nf*re continues)
- Last time you did it,

they stole the cell.

(Lev shouting)

Hoss Cartwright!

You ol' sidewinder, you!

What a pleasure to see you...!

Hey, Joe!

- Hiya, Hoss!
- Hi, Lev!

How's the world treating you?

Well!

Me and Lev come
to town to celebrate.

I mean to...

tell you we gonna throw
the wing-dinging-est,

whoop and hoolering-est,

fall-down waller
Virginia City ever seen.

Yeah, well, wh-what's
this all about?

Oh, me and Buford hit it rich.

Is that right?

And I mean rich.

After all these here sorry years

of jackass single-blanket
prospecting,

me and Lev done struck it rich.

Silver... a whole
mountain of it.

LITTLE JOE: Hey, you're sure?

Well, the Henshaw Mining
Company sure is sure.

Gave us $50,000
cash for our claim

and five percent of
the royalties over that,

as long as the claim holds out.

Congratulations.

HOSS: Doggone it,
congratulations, boys.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Gentlemen, I'm Blackie Welles.

I want to be one the first to
congratulate the lucky pair.

And I also want
to invite all of you

to see Dolly Bantree's opening
performance here tonight,

as my guests.

Dolly who?

Why, Miss Dolly Bantree.

The Songbird of the West.

Oh, no.

No women for us.

No.

Every time me and
Buford gets mixed up

with a woman, it ends
up nothing but trouble.

Women's nothing but poison
to us, ain't that right, Buford?

LEV: Yes, sir,

Buford and me's
give up women for life.

I just told them we're
through with women for life.

Ain't that right, Buford?

Buford?

Oh, Buford.

♪ If your foot is
pretty, show it ♪

♪ No matter where or when ♪

♪ Let all fair maidens know it ♪

♪ The foot takes all the men ♪

♪ The face, so fair and lovely ♪

♪ May charm the gazer's eye ♪

♪ But if the foot is homely ♪

♪ He'll quickly pass her by ♪

♪ He'll quickly, he'll quickly ♪

♪ He'll quickly pass her by ♪

♪ If your foot is
pretty, show it ♪

♪ When you trip
along the street ♪

♪ For it will catch
the eager eye ♪

♪ Of every man you meet ♪

♪ Don't toss your
glossy ringlets ♪

♪ Nor pout your lips so sweet ♪

♪ But gently lift
your petticoats ♪

♪ And show your handsome feet ♪

♪ And show, and show ♪

♪ And show your handsome feet! ♪

(song ends, men cheer)

Gentlemen!

Hey, gentlemen!

Hey!

That's only the beginning.

Dolly will be right back.

I'll let you in on
a little secret.

The next number's even better.

So is the costume.

(men laugh, shout and cheer)

I seen the sun settin'
on a painted desert,

and I thought
that was beautiful.

I seen a mother doe and her
two newborn baby fawns stop

to drink at a waterfall,

under a full moon
in a pine forest,

and I thought
that was beautiful.

And I seen a tri-colored
Shanghai rooster a-standin'

in a field of blooming
clover, crowin' at a rainbow,

and I thought
that was beautiful.

But I'll tell you,

I never knowed what
beautiful was till today.

That's kind of pretty, Buford.

Almost... almost like poetry.

LEV: Oh, yeah.

Somebody oughta
just foller him around,

write 'em down, every
time he opens his mouth.

HOSS: Well, I'll
tell you one thing.

She's everything
you said about her.

Dolly Bantree.

Ain't that the most beautiful
name you ever heared?

Dolly, look,

just don't give me any more
arguments, you understand?

I've got troubles enough.

I know all about your troubles.

And I've tried to help.

You can't deny that.

I've done my best.

But not this time, Blackie.

Not a smelly old desert rat.

I won't do it.

That smelly old desert
rat, as you call him,

has got 25,000 cash in the bank.

Do you hear me?

25,000 hot restless dollars,

just itching to get
away from him.

Now do you think
I'm gonna let you

make me miss a chance like that?

Please, you're hurting me.

I'm gonna hurt you a lot more,

unless you get out there
and make him feel like a colt.

You're gonna make him
want to romp and play

and start writing checks.

All right, Blackie.

But this is the last time.

Mm-hmm.

Just, uh, get out
there and do it.

(jaunty melody playing on piano)

♪ Alouette ♪

♪ Gentille alouette ♪

♪ Alouette ♪

♪ Je te plumerai ♪

♪ Je te plumerai la dos... ♪

♪ Je te plumerai la dos ♪

- ♪ Et le dos ♪
- ALL: ♪ Et le dos ♪

- ♪ Et la bec ♪
- ALL: ♪ Et la bec ♪

- ♪ Et la tête ♪
- ALL: ♪ Et la tête ♪

♪ Je te alouette. ♪

(men cheering)

(piano begins to play
"What Can the Matter Be?")

♪ Oh, dear ♪

♪ What can the matter be? ♪

♪ Dear, dear ♪

♪ What can the matter be? ♪

♪ Oh, dear ♪

♪ What can the matter be? ♪

♪ Johnny's so long at the fair ♪

♪ He promised he'd buy me ♪

♪ A fairing should please me ♪

♪ And then for a kiss ♪

♪ Oh, he vowed
he would tease me ♪

♪ He promised he'd buy me ♪

♪ A bunch of blue ribbons ♪

♪ To tie up my
bonny blonde hair... ♪

♪ Oh, dear ♪

♪ What can the matter be? ♪

♪ Dear, dear ♪

♪ What can the matter be? ♪

♪ Oh, dear ♪

♪ What can the matter be? ♪

♪ Johnny's so long... ♪

♪ At the fair. ♪

Maybe we could have
a little supper together

after the show, handsome?

Get a little better acquainted?

Yes, ma'am, that'd
pleasure me greatly.

(sighing)

See that, Hoss?

She's stuck on me.

Oh, Buford, if
gunpowder was brains,

you wouldn't have
enough to blow your hat off.

(sighs)

Dad-burnit, Pa.

How can you say
there wasn't nothin' to it?

You seen it with your
own eyes, didn't you?

You got to admit,
she wa... she was

kind of playing up to Buford.

Yeah, and then askin' him

to walk her down to
the hotel afterwards.

Can you imagine that?

Buford Buckalew.

(Little Joe laughs)

Hoss, sounds to me you might
be just a little jealous of Buford.

Oh, Pa, me jealous of Buford?

Yeah, you jealous of Buford.

Well, I'm just a little
mystified, that's all.

What, by what Buford
has that you haven't?

(Little Joe and Ben laughing)

Go ahead, go ahead
and joke about it.

Big laugh. (laughs
sarcastically)

(Ben and Little Joe
laugh, Little Joe mumbles)

Got to admit, it's
a little bit strange.

Well, I think Miss Bantree

was probably having
a little bit of fun...

Pass the butter, please...

Having a little bit of
fun with Buford and...

Oh, he enjoyed it.

He got a big thrill out of it.

Mm, she didn't look like
she was joking to me, Pa.

And if she was, she's
making a big mistake,

'cause I guarantee you
Buford's dead serious.

(laughs)

I wouldn't lose
any sleep over it.

You know, I was just thinking
about what you were saying

about Buford having something
that Hoss doesn't have.

What's that?

A half share of $50,000.

You know, it just could be

Miss Bantree's
just after his money.

Joseph... you have an evil mind.

Miss Bantree's not
that kind of woman.

She's a...

she's a lady of
the first degree.

Well, Hoss, you know,

if, uh, if Miss Bantree

wasn't having fun with Buford

and isn't after his money,

do you realize there's
only one possibility left?

What's that?

That Buford's right.

She's stuck on him.

Yeah.

Howdy, Lev.

Where's that Casanova
brother of yours?

Inside, a-casanovin'.

Two hundred.

All right.

I'll see that...

and I'll, uh, top you.

Two pair, kings over tens.

(chuckles)

I'm afraid it's not quite
good enough, Buford.

I've got three shiny jacks.

DOLLY: Aw... So
there's that sneaky,

connivin' Jack of Hearts.

Where was you last
time when I needed you,

you no-good, bushwhackin',
blanket-stealing,

claim-jumpin' polecat!

Hey! Hoss Cartwright!

Ah, you old mule-swamper, you.

- Howdy, Buford.
- What're you drinkin'?

How much you winnin'
over there, Buford?

Oh, Blackie's a little
ahead, but I'll-I'll peel him yet.

I'll get some more ready cash

and we're gonna go
at it again this evening.

Sure you will.

I got a charge
account at the bank.

(Dolly laughs)

Now, Buford, honey,
don't you forget

you're going to escort
me to work this evening.

Blood poison,
abscessed teeth and boils

wouldn't keep me away.

Oh, Buford, you say
the sweetest things.

Ain't she some pumpkin?

Hey, Lev, come on
in and buy us a beer!

What?

Why, you come in here this
morning with over $2,500.

You mean you lost all of that?

Lost it, nothin'.

Hoss, I'm gonna
show you something

that'll scald your eyeballs.

Little, uh, surprise
I got for Dolly.

I'm gonna give it
to her this evening.

Yeah, them's real diamonds.

That there was made up
special in Paris, France.

Ain't another like it
in the whole world.

Where'd you get a
gee-gaw like that?

I bought it off of Blackie
Welles for only $2,000.

Two thousand dollars!

Yeah, just like stealin'.

Now buy us that drink.

(Lev sighs)

- Three beers.
- Whiskey.

Buford... what was
Blackie Welles doing

with a diamond
necklace like that?

Oh, he had it made up

for a girlfriend of
his in San Francisco.

And when he come
back from Europe,

he found out she'd throwed
him over for another feller,

so he was stuck with
this here necklace.

Well... Blackie's
loss is Dolly's gain.

That figures.

Buford...

$2,000 is a
powerful lot of money

to be spendin' on just
a casual acquaintance.

A fella hits it big,

he kind of relishes
spendin' money.

'Sides, this here ain't
what I'd call "casual."

Oh, now, come on, Buford.

Use your head.

You think anything
really serious

is gonna come of you and...

and the likes of
Miss Dolly Bantree?

Why not?

What's wrong with her?!

Buford, Buford, there
ain't nothin' wrong with her.

Dad-burnit, I admire her as
much as any man, you know that.

It ain't her, Buford.

It's you.

Well, then... what's
wrong with me?!

Buford, Buford, there
ain't nothin wrong with you.

It's just that, well,

you just ain't the type

for an elegant lady
like Dolly Bantree.

Now, that ought to
tell you something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tells me one of us is so jealous

he's just chokin' up on it.

I don't blame you, Hoss.

No hard feelings.

You know, Lev...

I don't like to talk about
a man I don't know,

but there's something,

just something about
that Blackie Welles

that I don't like.

I feel the same way,
only a little stronger.

Yeah?

But it's hard to believe

that a lady as pretty
as that Dolly Bantree

could be mixed up in
something crooked, ain't it?

Hoss...

You know a beavertail cactus

has got about the purtiest,

most innocent-lookin' bloom

of any flower that grows.

Did you ever brush
up against one?

Yeah.

DOLLY: Blackie?

I can't find that necklace
that you bought me in Chicago.

Oh, you'll, uh...

you'll get that
back this evening.

A, uh... (chuckles)

surprise from your Romeo.

You didn't.

You took advantage of
that poor, innocent man?

You know, Blackie,
sometimes I think

you'd pick the
pocket of a corpse.

Well, you ought
to be glad I did it,

instead of making
a fuss about it.

Look... $2,000, baby.

When this gets to San
Francisco, we'll be free and clear.

So far as I am concerned,

we are free and clear right now.

Baby... what are you saying?

You thought you were
king of the poker players.

You had to buck the big
game in San Francisco.

Gonna make a fortune.

Put us on Nob Hill
with all the swells.

So what happens?

You lose all your
money, all of my money

and $15,000 more.

Ancient history.

What's that got to
do with anything?

A lot, Blackie!

You told me they'd k*ll
you if you didn't pay off.

Yeah, and I told you true.

Half the bodies they
fish out of that bar

are men last seen
playing in a big game,

losers who couldn't pay.

All right, all right.

I went along with you.

It made me feel cheap
and mean and dirty,

but I helped you
get the $15,000.

But that's all
behind us, Blackie,

and I am not going
to do it anymore.

Oh.

All right, baby.

I'll, uh... I'll tell you what.

This will be the last one.

We get Buford's
money... and then we stop.

No! We will stop right now!

Oh, please, Blackie.

Maybe we can't go back
to what we were, because...

because, well, we're-we're
different people now,

but we could at least try.

Dolly, don't ever forget...

Everything that I've
ever been involved in,

you've been involved in.

So if you start acting up,

I won't be the
only one in trouble.

I'll turn on you, baby.

Quick.

You'd do that?

If I have to.

But I won't have to, will I?

Because you're gonna help me.

Aren't you, baby?

I'm going to help you.

That's my Dolly.

Anything good in the paper?

Hmm.

Supper on table!

Is time you get here!

Where's Mr. Hoss?

Upstairs, I guess.

Oh, maybe so Mr. Hoss sick?

Not come to supper?

Well, he came in
about an hour ago.

He was carrying a box
almost as big as he was.

I was wondering what was in it.

Why don't you go ask him?

Yeah, well, I-I did ask him, Pa,

but he wouldn't tell me,
so I'm-I'm wondering.

Would you like
to read the paper?

Hmm? Yeah.

Yeah, thank you.

(Ben whistles)

(Ben whistles)

LITTLE JOE (laughing):
Would you look at this...

(laughing)

I'm sorry... Hop Sing is right.

Mr. Hoss is very sick.

A man goes out and
buys some new clothes

and that's a reason
for staring, huh?

Oh! Oh... You,
uh, join the circus?

HOP SING (laughing): Oh, no.

This suit is too
loud for circus.

(laughing)

It's no good for work, either.

Joe, this is not a work suit.

Oh.

The clerk at the store told me

this is the kind of suit that
a man in society wears.

Yeah, well, maybe a
high-rolling gambling man.

Yeah?

- Does it really, Pa?
- Yeah.

'Cause if it does, that's
just the outfit I'm after.

Hoss, what do you
mean? What are you up to?

Well, Joe thinks that...
that Miss Dolly and Blackie

are just after Buford's money,

And... and I aim to find out
whether or not that's a fact.

Well, you come to supper now.

I'm having supper in
town with a lady, Hop Sing.

(speaking Chinese)

(Little Joe laughs)

High-rolling gambling man.

(door closes)

Looks like a casino.

(laughing)

Evenin', Miss Dolly.

I come to escort
you to the Gilded Lily.

Come in, Buford.

I brung you some...

Uh... what...

Oh, they're from an old friend
of yours, that darling Mister...

Hoss Cartwright!

Why, hi, there, Buford.

- DOLLY: Oh!
- My, that's a pretty little

bouquet of roses you got there.

What are you doing here,

you double-timin',
back-stabbin'...

HOSS: Well, I, uh,

I was just having a
little bite to eat here

with Blackie and Miss Dolly.

We had antelope
steaks and champagne.

Hoss, was just telling
us about the Ponderosa.

BLACKIE: Yes, um...

cattle and, uh, timber
and-and horses.

And a two-legged,

soft-soapin',
fork-tongued varmint

that's supposed to
be a friend of mine.

BLACKIE: It's the, uh,

the biggest ranch
I ever heard of.

- Yes.
- Oh...

There's still some of
your fine champagne left,

Mr. Cartwright, let
me fill your glass.

By all means, Blackie.

If you'll pour a glass for
my friend here, Buford, too.

I can buy my own!

If Miss Dolly likes that stuff,

I'll buy her a wagon full.

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, Buford...

we were talking
about that exact thing

when you walked in the door.

You know, I mean, after
you and old Lev found

that little piddly
silver mine up there,

I got to thinking...

A man can have a lot
of fun with his money

instead of just leaving
it around a bank

to collect dust and interest.

I mean, after watching
you boys run and play and...

hoot and holler, I decided
I'd do me a little of it myself.

Hoss Cartwright? I'm
gonna climb you like a tree!

I'm gonna hammer that
head of yours to a point!

- Now, Buford, Buford, you're...
- Then I'm gonna upend you!

You're not going to make a fuss!

I'm gonna drive you in
the ground like a stake!

You're too much of
a gentleman, Buford.

"A gentleman."

You hear that?

Well, I-I think it's time to go.

Yes, ma'am.

Excuse me.

Well, just a gol-dang minute.

I asked her first!

That's right, Buford.

But I got here first.

With the most.

And that's the
way it goes, Buford.

"Them that has, gets."

Sorry.

Good night, Buford.

Dolly.

Don't you ever knock?

Look, I, um... I want
you to forget Buford.

That Cartwright
was telling the truth.

I want you to go after him.

No, Blackie, please, please.

He's... he's such a nice man.

Uh-huh.

The Ponderosa is even
bigger than he said it was.

Cattle they can't
even count... horses...

timber enough to
build a dozen cities.

I won't do it.

Baby... you're not listening.

The Ponderosa's richer
than the Comstock ever was.

Now you're gonna
help me take him.

Or I'm going to spoil
that pretty face of yours.

For good.

Now, get out there.

(door closes)

(intro playing on piano)

♪ As the black
bird in the spring ♪

♪ 'Neath the willow tree ♪

♪ Sat and piped ♪

♪ I heard him sing ♪

♪ Sing of Aura Lee ♪

♪ Aura Lee, Aura Lee ♪

♪ Maid of golden hair ♪

♪ Sunshine came along ♪

♪ With thee ♪

♪ And swallows ♪

♪ In the air ♪

♪ On her cheek,
the rose was born ♪

♪ 'Twas music when she spake ♪

♪ In her eyes,
the rays of morn ♪

♪ With sudden splendor ♪

♪ Break ♪

♪ Aura Lee, Aura Lee ♪

♪ Maid of golden hair ♪

♪ Sunshine came ♪

♪ Along with thee ♪

♪ And swallows ♪

♪ In the air. ♪

(song ends)

(applause)

I'll k*ll him. I'll k*ll him!

LEV: Now, Buford! Buford!

- Out of my way, Lev!
- Buford!

I'll tear his arms
off and k*ll him!

(crowd gasps)

Buford, you're a
gentleman, remember?

- Miss Dolly said...
- I'm gonna k*ll you!

Oh, Buford! Buford!

Dad-burnit! Now, listen to me.

Let go of me, Hoss!

Excuse me, gentlemen.

BUFORD: Fight like a
man! Chicken-livered,

- cold-hearted, sissy!
- Oh, Buford...

Aah!

(men grunting)

(lively tune plays on piano)

♪♪

Buford! Buford! Wait a
minute... wait, Buford!

Wait a minute! Wait...!

What are you doing?

Wait a minute!

Dad-burnit, Buford!

Lev, now you sit up here
and mind your own business

and just take care of yourself.

Now, dad-burnit, Lev,
he's making me mad.

He's his own worst enemy.

Don't hurt him!

Now, what do you
men think you're doing?

Why, hi, Roy.

Why, we were just having
a little discussion and...

Well, if there's anybody
here that don't want to spend

the next couple of days in jail,

he better sit right
down and pacify hisself.

Buford Buckalew...
and Lev Buckalew.

Evening, Sheriff.

If you gentlemen will join me,

I'll take you into
protective custody.

Now come on and...

BUFORD: Protect me from what?

From yourselves! Now, come on!

I've got that jail cell of
yours all fixed and ready.

You'll feel right at
home... Oh, come on now!

Boys, you're giving
me a lot of trouble here!

(pop)

You all right, Miss Dolly?

(Blackie laughs)

Can you imagine a
scrawny pipsqueak like that

trying to take on
a man like you?

Why, he must have
been out of his mind.

Yeah.

Well, I...

I reckon Buford
figured that he had

something worth
fighting for, Blackie.

You know, we ain't
all as lucky as you are.

We can't just win the things

we want in a poker game.

Night, Miss Dolly.

Good night, Hoss.

(swinging doors clatter)

I was afraid after what
happened last night that you...

you might change your mind
about showing me the Ponderosa.

Not a chance, Miss Dolly.

I made a promise to
take you for a ride...

Thank you.

And that's what I'm gonna do.

I'd give anything if it
hadn't happened, Hoss.

I mean that.

Ah, don't give it a
thought, Miss Dolly.

We have them little
old scuffles all the time.

Nobody ever gets hurt.

Oh, I'm not so sure of that.

I know that you and Buford
were very good friends before.

Well, Buford will get over it.

He ain't one to hold a grudge.

Giddup!

Howdy, Roy.

Hi, Hoss!

Dolly.

Lousy, no good...

You know what
that Hoss is doing?

He's taking Miss
Dolly buggy riding.

Name calling ain't gonna
help or change a thing.

Now, if this was a two-horse
race... you and Hoss...

I'd have to say that
he's all but out of sight,

and you ain't even
left the barn yet.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Yeah, guess I don't blame
you for saying that, Lev.

All the scrapes you
got me out of in the past.

All the messes I've been in.

But Miss Dolly, she ain't
any more like the others

than the sunrise
is like the night.

Well, I ain't been around
enough women to really know,

but I gotta admit
she looks mighty nice.

"Nice"?

Why she's-she's
plumb... (sighs heavily)

Lev, they just ain't
invented words

to tell you how
I feel about her.

She don't have to do nothin'.

Don't have to smile.

She just walks by and I...

I know. I seen it.

And I might even
believe she's all you say...

if we hadn't been through all

of this so many times before.

♪♪

Whoa... ho.

(birds chirping)

My favorite view.

Never get tired of it.

Never two days the same.

But always beautiful.

What a wonderful way to live.

That's a funny thing for
you to say, Miss Dolly. I...

Why, half the
people in town would

change their lives for your kind

of romantic and exciting life.

I'd trade with them any day.

Are all show-world
people like you?

How do you mean?

I mean, well, you're
different than you was

when you first came here and...

when you put on them
show clothes and did all

that singing and stuff, well...

you're just different, you know?

I don't know how to explain it.

It's... You put it
very well, Hoss.

Well, now, when
you're like you are now,

a feller can talk to you, and...

pretty and...

well, it ain't just play
acting, you know?

I know what you're
trying to say, Hoss.

The Dolly Bantree in
spangles and sequins

isn't a real person.

And you can just change

from this Dolly to that one?

Not exactly.

The other Dolly
is always around,

no matter how much this
one would like to be rid of her.

Well, I guess we should
be getting back to town.

No, ma'am, not just yet.

Giddup.

Thank you, Hop Sing.

Of course, the, uh, Ponderosa

didn't come into
being overnight.

As with most enterprises, uh...

we've had a lot of luck.

We've been very fortunate.

I'll remember this house.

It's so big and-and
warm and-and friendly.

So exactly right.

Well, I-I take that as a high
compliment, Miss Bantree.

That's what we've
been trying to build.

Special desert, Missy Dolly.

Number one apple pie.

Little Joe,

he eat a whole one before
he leave this afternoon.

Hop Sing, I-I couldn't possibly.

What's the matter?

You no like Hop Sing cooking?

Oh, I love it.

It's just that I'm
absolutely stuffed.

You should eat more, Missy.

You little bit thin.

(chuckles) Well, I don't dare.

I-I wouldn't fit
into my costumes.

You'll have to excuse Hop
Sing, Miss Bantree... he, uh...

he's an expert at minding
other people's business.

Well, Miss Dolly,
I-I hate to rush you,

but since you're not gonna
have any pie anyhow...

And there's a bunch a boys
got tickets to that show tonight,

I think we better get moving,

or they're gonna be
terribly disappointed.

- Well, I guess you're right.
- Hope the show has

a more peaceful ending
tonight than last night.

I can't tell you what my
being here has meant to me.

Living the way I do,

one dreary hotel
room after another,

well, you forget what
a real home is like.

I don't mean just the-the
rooms and the furnishings,

but, well, you know what I mean.

I think I do.

Missy Dolly, good-bye
present for you.

One whole number one pie.

Same as for Little Joe.

Maybe-so more better you
become too big for costume.

Mr. Ben say they hardly
enough to wad shotgun.

(laughing): Oh, well...

Mr. Cartwright,

I do believe you're blushing.

Don't give it a thought.

Thank you again.

Thank you, Hop Sing.

See you later, Pa.

Thank you very much.

What for you look
at me like that?

Hop Sing only tell
lady what you say.

Yeah, I did say
that, that's true.

But I also said the costume
was very becoming... on her.

(both laughing)

You know, this is a
real comfortable bed.

If I thought all
jails was like this,

I might even be tempted
to take up a life of crime.

It's about time you
was letting us out.

Buford, you just
better be thankful

that Hoss Cartwright didn't
file as*ault charges agin you,

otherwise you'd have been
in here for another 30 days.

That double-dealin',
forked-tongued,

woman-stealin'
varmint will be lucky

if I don't tie his
ears in a knot.

Bein' in jail does that to
Buford, gets him all riled up.

After he's been out a
while, he even gets worse.

He gets worse?!

Get me and Lev a beer.

BLACKIE: Buford...

it's, uh, it's good to see you.

If you want to, uh, step
over to one of the tables,

why, we could butt
our heads together

in a little two-hand poker.

Fine friend you
turned out to be,

lettin' Dolly go
buggy ridin' with that...

Hidin' over there
in the corner, huh?!

Scared I was gonna whop
you around like yesterday, huh?

Buford, I wasn't hiding,

I was just sitting
here waiting for you

to get through
spouting off over there,

so I could tell you something.

You ain't tellin' me
nothin'! I'm doin' the tellin'.

You keep your consarned
nose out of my business!

And if I don't ever
see you again,

it's gonna be four
days too soon.

- Buford...
- Buford...

Miss Dolly Bantree
has just confessed

that the necklace
that you purchased

from Mr. Blackie
Welles here for $2,000

was nothin' but a
string of glass beads.

And that him and
her was in cahoots

to separate you from your money.

Why you double-dealing
little... Shut up.

Now, Buford, it's up to you.

You know your rights.

What do you want to do about it?

It is kind of up
to me, ain't it?

Yeah.

If I was to ask you to,

why, you'd have
to throw him in jail.

And if I just wanted
to be middling mean,

why, you'd run him out of town.

Yep.

I think this takes a
little thinkin' about.

Sheriff, you mind if I
have a little talk with him

in private, before I
make up my mind?

SHERIFF: Well, no, not
if that's what you want.

I-I just want to
do the right thing.

All right.

Mr. Welles.

(clattering)

Hoss... Hoss, you've
got to stop this.

That Blackie is liable to
hurt Buford something bad.

He's mean.

Real mean.

LEV: Don't worry about Buford.

He can take care of himself.

Whips me about every other week.

I'll have more... You
got a beer over there.

I said please.

(clattering intensifies)

Sheriff, do something.

Sorry, ma'am, there's
nothing I can do.

They're just having
a little discussion.

(clattering stops)

(sighs, sniffles)

Turned out Blackie
can be real reasonable.

Gave me back every
dime of my money.

Don't think I'll have
you lock him up, Sheriff.

Be satisfied if you
just run him out of town

with the understandin'
he don't even look back

till he gets to Sacramento.

He'll be on that first freight
wagon out of town, Buford.

Now, Miss Dolly here, she
brought me the evidence.

I expect you're gonna

be dropping the
charges agin her.

Would you want her on
that same freight wagon?

No, sir.

No, siree, Sheriff.

I want her locked up.

Buford.

Do your duty, Sheriff!

I want to press my
charges agin her.

I'm sorry, Miss Dolly.

Uh, Buford knows
his rights. He just...

Quit your sobbin'

and just throw her
in the calaboose!

Yes, sir.

Buford, you can't mean that.

I mean it!

And if you don't keep
your consarned nose

out of my business, I'll
get you locked up, too!

Well, Lev, what
are you waiting for?!

Come on!

Why is he doing this to me?

Oh, Miss Dolly...
soon as I can find him,

I think I can get him
to drop his charges.

He's probably off somewhere
studyin' about it right now.

Well, I found you both,
right where I want you.

And I got a lot to say
to you, Hoss Cartwright.

Now you been sneakin' up on it

about as clumsy
as a newborn calf...

wearin' them fancy duds,

makin' out what a ignorant,

uncurried,
miserable-lookin' galoot I am,

when all the time what
you was really tryin' to do

is tell me Miss Dolly
wasn't interested in me.

Just my money.

Buford, I was...

I was just trying to do what
was best for you, that's all.

What kind of a numbskull
you take me for?

You think I didn't know
what they was up to?

Well, dad-burnit, Buford,
the way you was acting...

Any woman would rather
have a rich man than a poor one.

And if money's what it takes

for me to have Dolly Bantree,

she can have every penny I got.

I don't know what
money's good for,

if it ain't to buy the things
you want in life and...

all I want's Dolly.

I had to say it, Miss Dolly.

That's why I had the
sheriff lock you up,

so that there Blackie wouldn't
make you go away with him.

So you wouldn't walk
away before I got it said.

I wouldn't have walked away.

Well, that ain't all of it.

There's a mite
over $20,000 there.

And there's more
where that come from.

Now if it's fine hotels
and fancy livin' you want,

you can have it.

I know I ain't as slick
as Blackie Welles,

but I'll do my best so you
ain't never ashamed of me.

On the other hand, this...

this here money could
buy a little ranch I know of,

not too far out of town.

There'd be enough left over
to buy a starter herd of beef,

and to get the paint
and the lumber to fix it up,

the barn and the
house and things.

Livin' wouldn't be too easy,

but if it's got any
appeal to you,

I'm offerin' you all the sweat
and calluses I can raise,

in addition to my good name.

Either way,

I'd take as good a care
of you as any man can.

And I'd do my durndest to be
any kind of man you want me to.

If you'll have me.

(voice breaking):
Oh... Buford...

if you aren't the goldarndest,

arm-twistinest,

wonderfulest sweetheart
a girl could ask for.

(laughing)

(piano begins playing
"I Should Like to Marry")

♪ Oh, I should like to marry ♪

♪ If that I could find ♪

♪ A very handsome fellow ♪

♪ Suited to my mind ♪

♪ Oh, I should
like him dashing ♪

♪ Oh, I should like him gay ♪

♪ The leader of the fashion ♪

♪ The dandy of the day ♪

♪ Oh, I should like to marry ♪

♪ If that I could find ♪

♪ A very handsome fellow... ♪

♪ Suited to... ♪

♪ My mind. ♪

Wedding present
for you, Missy Dolly.

Hop Sing, it's beautiful.

Gentlemen, the bride!

ALL: The bride! Hey!

(all laughing, whooping)