01x02 - White Van

[bunniefuu]

"It stands to reason
that Ms. Hastings

"comes from
the pharmaceutical industry

because the Ponderosa
made me feel sick."

That doesn't even make sense.

dr*gs stop you
from feeling sick.

It's lazy.
It's lazy reporting.

There is a whole
civil w*r in Syria,

and this is what
they choose to write about.

This is a magazine
about the auto industry,

so there is not
a lot about Syria.

And we actually sell
quite a lot of cars to Syria.

Bashar al-Assad
has a 1976 Payne Condor,

so there's a Syria link.

Well, no, look.
Parts of it are pretty good.

- Like what?
- "The fact that Hastings

"was able to stand on stage

"with a straight face
during the debacle

showed a level of acting
on par with Meryl Streep."

- How is that good?
- I mean... Meryl Streep.

All right. Can we get them
to take this down?

How would I do that?

Don't Communications people

have good relationships
with reporters?

Like, maybe he's someone
you used to date

and you meet up at a hotel bar.

You ask him to lay off
as a personal favor.

Maybe you get a room after,
for old time's sake.

I think if we make a big deal
about this,

we're just going to keep it
in the news longer.

So what are you suggesting?
That we just do nothing?

Let's just wait a b*at.

There's always another
news story around the corner.

[pop music playing]

[grunting, muffled yells]

[♪]

[volume raises]

[♪]

♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

Guys.

Guys, guys.

I need you to fax me
those contracts by 3:00 p.m.

No, don't make any excuses.
Don't make any excuses.

I need you to fax
those contracts by 3:00 p.m.

Okay, so fax the contracts.

Hey, um, you have a minute?

- I do if you do.
- Okay, cool, um...

What do I do?

You're gonna have
to be more specific.

Okay. So when Katherine
moved me up here,

she never actually said
what I'm supposed to be doing.

And I don't want to ask her,
'cause if she thinks

I'm already supposed to know
what I should be doing,

then it's gonna look like
I don't know what I'm doing.

- Does that make sense?
- Barely.

So what have you
been doing all day?

Well, I, um, I walk around.

- Mm-hmm.
- I photocopy

blank sheets of paper.

I just had a very,
very important business call

with my grandma's voicemail.

- I heard that.
- She'll be okay, though.

I'm the one
that checks it for her.

Well, just an FYI, we don't
really fax contracts anymore.

- Really?
- Did you see the...

- Oh.
- Sorry. Am I interrupting?

No, we were just talking
about e-mail.

No, no, no.
Just work stuff.

"Autoblog" says, "Hasty
Hastings' Premature Launch."

So much for the story
going away on its own.

Just wait.
It's been like an hour.

Well, you know what they say
about those who wait.

Good things come to them?

Not this time.
Meeting. Five minutes.

Okay.

So I don't know if you guys
have read

some of the negative press
we've been getting?

[chatter]

It's really bad... they're
calling her the Pharma-Ho.

Sorry, where does it
say that?

It's in some of the comments.

Okay, we need to change
the story,

so I set up an interview
with "Point on Detroit."

You set an interview
without telling me?

Yes. I didn't realize
I needed your permission.

You didn't need
my permission. It's fine.

Okay. What's a positive story
that we can announce?

- Mmm...
- Um...

- Positive...
- Uh...

Come on, people, someone
has to have some good news.

Oh, my grandma
just had her 90th birthday.

- Okay.
- Yeah. We were waiting

for a nice round number
before we can unplug, you know?

She's been losing it
up here for years.

Okay. Well, anything else.

Maybe something
company related?

Oh, uh, we can announce
that we're opening up

a new truck plant in Joplin.
That's 7,000 new jobs,

plus it'll be the first
carbon-neutral large-scale

manufacturing site
in North America.

Well, thank you, Wesley.

- I'm sorry. What truck plant?
- I don't know.

We'd have to open up
some kind of truck plant.

No idea how you'd make it
carbon-neutral.

That's a big swing.

That's great. Super helpful.

Well, at least he's pitching

and not just sitting there
being all tall.

I am an attorney, okay?
We don't deal in good news.

We've just been subpoenaed.
Do we wanna put that out there?

Subpoenaed?
Are we being sued?

Oh, no. Well, yes.

We're getting sued by literally
thousands of people every day.

No, this is actually
just the FBI

are after some location data.
Apparently,

there's a serial k*ller
driving a Payne Magellan.

- Great.
- Serial k*ller?

- What kind of serial k*ller?
- What kinds are there?

Well,
there is four main types.

There's thrill seekers,
mission-oriented, visionary,

and power and control.

You're weird. That's weird
that you know that.

How would we have
his location data?

Do we bug our cars?

- No.
- Kinda.

Any car with a nav system

has to connect to a satellite,

so we can technically find
any car bought after 2002.

It's called telematics.

I can walk you through
how it works if you want.

Oh, no. I definitely
don't want that.

Okay, great.
We will use that though.

You wanna publicize
that there is a serial k*ller

- who's driving one of our cars?
- No.

I want to announce that
we are gonna help the FBI

track down a menace to society.

Boom! Who's
your Pharma-Bitch now?

It was Pharma-Ho.
Pharma-Bitch is like

misogynistic, and that's gross,
so don't say that.

She's going on TV.

Good. That's good.

Jackpot!
"Making the copies."

You remember that?
Whatcha copying?

Ah, nothing. Nothing.

Well, not nothing.
It's just confidential.

Discretion. I like it.

All these kids fresh out
of business school,

blabbing on and on
about what they're doing.

Right, right, right.
Yeah, it's like exactly.

I'm really impressed
by you, man.

Guy from the assembly line
jumps right into the deep end

with all these sharks.

With a little bit of guidance,
I think you could go far.

I mean,
if that's something you want.

Yeah! Yes, definitely.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Thank you so much.
- "Mini-Me."

[both chuckling]

Is it cool if I call you that?

- Do you have to?
- We'll play around with it.

A mystery baker
has been leaving desserts...

What are you watching?

Katherine's about
to be interviewed.

I think it's a mistake,

but apparently
she doesn't care what I think.

Give her time.
You have to earn her trust.

How? How do I do that?

She won't listen
to anything I say.

Well, maybe don't
always say the opposite

of what she wants to do.

Figure out what she wants
and then suggest that.

So just kiss her ass?

More like predict which way
her ass is headed,

and then have your lips planted
in that general vicinity.

Payne Motors
unveiled the Ponderosa

to less than stellar reviews.

And we're joined by the new CEO
of Payne, Katherine Hastings.

- Katherine, welcome.
- Hey, guys.

Pleasure to be
talking with you.

So coming from
the pharmaceutical industry,

some of these articles

must have been
a tough pill to swallow.

[laughs] Yeah. I sure wish
that I had some sugar

to make that medicine go down.

- Sure.
- Well, is it possible

that your experience
in pharma

just doesn't translate
to cars?

You know,
it's a learning curve.

For example, at my last job,
the FBI never asked me

to help them catch
a serial k*ller.

- A serial k*ller?
- Yeah.

Apparently this guys has
m*rder*d at least 12 people.

He drives a Magellan,

so the FBI asked for our help
in tracking him down.

And you're just giving up
that information?

It seems like there might be
a privacy concern with that.

- Yeah, well...
- Seems like there might be.

But, well, this guy, you
know, k*lled 12 people, so...

So if he k*lled 11 people,
you wouldn't be cooperating?

Yeah. At what point do you
violate the privacy

of your customers?
It's a slippery slope.

Well, no. I said that the FBI
had requested this information.

I didn't say that
we were just handing it over.

So you're fighting
the subpoena?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
We are fighting it. We are...

We are fighting it
for the people.

Wow. That's news.

- Yeah, yeah.
- And you heard it here first.

Payne Motors standing up
to the United States government

in order to protect
serial m*rder*r Johnny Turner.

What? I'm sorry?

Next up,
we'll delve into the life

and crimes of Johnny Turner,
AKA The Michigan Monster.

- Oh, my God.
- Who will be his next victim?

Stay tuned.

- We're clear.
- Could I...

I need to talk
to a producer about...

Just so we can make some cuts.

Well, the good news is

no one's talking about
the Ponderosa anymore.

Yeah. Before,
some niche trade journals

said I had a bad car.

Now CNN is accusing me
of protecting a mass m*rder*r.

It's not even accurate.

He's a serial k*ller,
not a mass m*rder*r.

What's the difference?

Mass murderers

k*ll a bunch of people
at the same time.

Serial K*llers need
a cooling off period.

Okay, yes,
it was a bad interview

which I advised you not to do,
but let's not overreact.

It's not like anyone's saying
she's pro-m*rder*r.

Actually, I've been getting

a few calls asking
your position on m*rder.

I hope you said
that I was against it.

I said, "I don't know,
but I'll check."

I mean, look,
from a legal perspective, okay,

it's not like this guy has
been convicted of anything yet.

I mean, what are we
supposed to do,

hand out every alleged
murderers' info?

That's true. There's
no proof he even did anything.

They found a bunch
of skins in his shed.

He was skinning people?

Before or after
he k*lled them?

What's the difference?

Well, before is worse.

Even if he did do it,

maybe he only kills evil people
who deserve to die,

like, maybe he's a Dexter
or something.

- Ooh...
- You want me to check

- if he's a Dexter?
- Yeah, would you?

Well, I'd just be concerned
that claiming the people

he k*lled deserved to die might
come off as victim-blaming.

Well, what would you suggest?
We just wait for it to pass?

Because waiting
is not going to

bring those 12 people
back from the dead.

I didn't realize
that was the goal here.

I hate to bring this up,
but are we

- complying with the subpoena?
- Yes!

No! I just announced
that we were fighting it.

Backing down
makes me look indecisive.

Would you rather
look indecisive

or be an accessory
to m*rder after the fact?

- I don't know. It's hard.
- Is it?

Is there any way
to fight the subpoena

but also hand
over the location data?

Right, so that's, I mean...
That's two separate things.

Right.
But, I mean, we've got to walk

and chew gum
at the same time, right?

Yeah, I get it.
I mean, it's more like walking

while also simultaneously
refusing to walk.

- Do you see what I mean?
- Mm-mm.

What if he k*lled a bunch
of people on the same day,

but in different locations?

Does that make him a mass
m*rder*r or a serial k*ller?

That's actually
a spree k*ller.

Why do you know so much
about serial K*llers?

I read.

[energetic music]

Oh, wow.

You already
have a corner office?

Men do have it easier.

Funny, funny. No, Wesley's
having me do some redecorating.

He's kind of taking me
under his wing.

Wesley.
Yeah, he does that sometimes.

He... does what?

He'll grab a hapless new guy
and basically appropriate him.

He gets an assistant,
and you get the opportunity

to be taken advantage
of by an idiot.

What are you talking about?

Isn't he like
big time around here?

Wesley? No.
He shares a name

with the founder
of the company, but that is it.

The guy doesn't even
have an office.

Like, he's squatting in here
while Jin's on vacation.

Didn't you wonder why
there's so many pictures

of an Asian family in here?

- Come on.
- Jack.

[groans]

You don't have to
enjoy it so much.

I'm enjoying it a little bit.

Hey.
Whatever you guys are doing,

could you not do it
in Jin's office?

- No, no. Just a...
- We were just...

It's an office, not a motel.

Unfortunately, the policy
of Payne Motors is now

not to hand over
GPS information.

- You're fighting the subpoena?
- To be clear,

the location of the vehicle
is on this computer...

But we can't show it to you.

But do understand that this
doesn't reflect our beliefs.

Fine.
We'll take you to court.

Could have told this
on the phone.

We feel terrible.

I don't know how we can
look ourselves in the mirror.

[ahem]!

Hey, Jeremy, the suspect
is headed eastbound on I-94.

- [ahem] Westbound.
- It's reversed.

Westbound.
[mouthing] Thank you.

Jack-of-all-trades.

Hey, I need you to make
a doctor's appointment for me.

You know what?

I would, but, like,
right now I'm just...

Don't spread that number
around... he's concierge.

There's only, like, five guys
in the world with access.

Yeah.

[popping lips]

[grunts] Uhh!

Hi. I need to schedule
an appointment

for Wesley Payne.

23rd work?

Is there any way
they can see me earlier?

Yeah, do you have anything
just a little bit sooner?

She wants to know
is it an emergency or...

Just have her
put the doctor on.

Okay. Can he just
speak to the doctor?

I don't want some, like,
receptionist

hearing all the sordid details.

- I get it. I'm...
- Go to the source.

Dr. Rossinow? Yeah, yeah.
Just a sec.

No, you're good. You're good.
Tell him for the last 2 days,

whenever I masturbate,
nothing comes out.

Tell him.

Yes. Yes.

When Mr. Payne, um...[ahem]...

when he masturbates,
nothing comes out.

Nothing.

Hey, Katherine.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Oh, mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

So I know you don't
really know me yet,

but I'm a professional and...

All I ask is that you
don't have sex in the office.

I know some women need it
more than others, but it's...

No, that's not...
A different conversation.

I mean, I get that
we don't have the same way

of approaching things, but if
you could just trust me...

Oh, there's a massive
hurricane headed towards Aruba.

- Are you happy about this?
- It's all over the news.

No one's talking
about us anymore.

- Are they okay?
- I don't know.

You know what?
Maybe you were right.

Maybe the better move
was just to wait it out.

Oh, yeah. Well, the best way
to stay out of the news

is do not make the news.

I always say
that communications

isn't just about what's said.

It's also what's unsaid,
you know?

What's going on?

...the Michigan Monster
in his white Payne Magellan.

Well, we're only about
20 minutes in,

but if it's anything
like O.J. in '94,

we're gonna be talking about
this for quite a while.

Hour two of the police
pursuit of the white Payne...

The same Payne Magellan

that he used
to abduct and skin his...

The police pursuit for
the Payne Magellan will...

Why do they have
keep referring

to the make of the car?

The guy literally peeled
a dozen people,

but what America wants to know
is what's he driving?

I don't get how
we're responsible for this.

I mean, we just
sold him the car.

We can't control
what he does with it.

It's just bad press.
It looks bad.

I actually agree
with Cyrus, you know?

I mean, the car
didn't k*ll anyone, okay?

We're blameless, like g*n
manufacturers after a sh**ting.

- Okay, yeah, this looks bad.
- Yeah.

Maybe we should just
discontinue the whole line.

Or make them m*rder-proof.

How do you
m*rder-proof a car?

Well, you start by telling
your chief product designer

to make them m*rder-proof,
and then when he says

he can't do it,
you hire someone who can.

- Burn!
- Maybe we should have

the car dealers
start doing background checks.

Stop selling them
to serial K*llers.

Right, but no one knows
what serial K*llers look like.

- Well, there are signs.
- Yeah. The mustache.

Members Only jacket.

Sometimes they dress
up like a clown.

We are not stopping selling
cars to clowns, all right?

Not all clowns
are serial K*llers.

Most of them are.

Of course most of them are,
but I'm saying not all of them.

I'm sorry. Can I just say
something about this?

No, no, no. Let me guess.

"Let's not do anything.
Let's just sit back and pray

that another hurricane
hits a tropical island."

Um... no.

Actually, I was going to say we
should do a full media blitz.

We should issue statements,
get the families on record

saying they don't blame us
for the murders

and, you know,
full-court press.

Well, all right. Finally.
Welcome to the team.

Good.

Hi. Is this Brian Redcorn?

Hi.
I'm calling from Payne Motors.

I understand your dad
was one of the men

whose skin was found
in the t*rture shed,

and I just want to say
how sorry we are here at...

Oh. Yeah. I just assumed
you had been informed.

Juh-juh-juh-jackhammer.

Hey, I'm craving
some Khanom Chan.

It's like this
Thai layered Jell-O.

FYI, this place is in
a very sketchy neighborhood.

Is there, like,

any way that somebody else
can just maybe get it for you?

What do you mean?
Like, you don't want to, or...

No, no, no!
Psss! No, no.

I mean,
it's just that Elliott's

having me do
some stuff for him.

Yeah. On a deadline
with these here contracts.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

You know, otherwise,
I would love to.

- Oh, yeah.
- I would love to, but...

No, I totally get it. No, no.
You're busy.

It's totally cool.
Yeah. We're good.

- Yeah.
- We're good. Yeah. Awesome.

- You're sure? I mean...
- Cool.

Hey, Brit-d*ck.

Don't ever give Jack
another assignment,

or next time those files
will be your face.

It's my pen now.

No,
it's my grandfather's pen.

Excuse me.

The rear panels
would be see-through,

and the cargo areas would
all be equipped with these.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's cool.
Yeah.

Okay. I found a widow who was
willing to put out a statement

absolving us of responsibility.

And her husband was a pastor
at his church.

- He k*lled a pastor?
- That's perfect for us.

It's like God himself
is forgiving us.

Well, God kind of
forgives everyone.

That's really his whole thing.

And I was thinking
if you wanted to make

like a big deal of this,

we could invite the media
to her house

and the two of you could give
a joint press conference.

- Interesting.
- Hold on.

This woman just found out

that her husband was k*lled
and skinned alive.

Well, we don't know
if he was alive.

Sorry, Dori.
k*lled and skinned dead.

Do we really want
to exploit her as a PR stunt?

Yeah. What if we also
gave her a brand-new car?

Oh, I like that.
It's like a condolence call

meets the Publishers
Clearing House Prize Patrol.

Yeah. Love it. Love that.

Great. Set it up.
Nice work, Sadie.

- [car alarm blaring]
- Help. I am being abducted.

Ayuda.

- Me están secuestrando.
- Sorry.

This right here,
this is Clive fishing.

Oh, he loved to fish.

Well... ahem... I bet he's
fishing in heaven right now.

Just up there, you know,
fishing on a cloud.

I'd like to donate his skin.

Like, maybe to someone
who lost their skin in a fire.

So they would just sort of

put that guy's body
in your husband's skin?

Wouldn't that be something?

Mmm.

Like a firefighter out there,

looking just like Clive,
putting out fires.

Well, that is
a beautiful sentiment.

Would you excuse me just for
one moment, please?

- Thank you.
- Clive wasn't a tall man,

but he was big around
the middle,

so I think his skin would fit
a fireman about 6'2".

Sounds hot.

I don't know how much longer

I can keep talking
to Rube Von Bumpkin over there.

Right. Well, the press
is setting up outside.

Also, there has been
an 18% spike

in consumer interest
in the Magellan.

For the m*rder van?

There's been
so much news coverage.

It's like people think,

"Well, if it's fast enough
to outrun the police..."

[whispers] We have to take
advantage of this.

[whispers] I know!

So fishing, huh?
That is fun!

Jackknife.

Hey.

Uh, yeah.

- Khanom Chan. I got you one.
- Ah, no thanks. No thanks.

I'm not hungry.
I'm full, but...

Have a look.

I don't, um...
I don't get it.

It's a present.

You got me a necklace
with your name on it?

Yeah. Now no one will
give you assignments anymore,

because everyone will know
you're mine.

Oh, no.
Ha ha ha ha.

No. No.

I'm done.
I tried. No.

- No!
- If he don't want it,

- I'll take it.
- Yeah, fine. Who cares.

You know someone named Wesley?

No. I know a guy
at a pawn shop though.

He don't have no name.

Clive Judson was a hero.

He was a symbol
of what we stand for.

Which is why I came here today
to express my sympathies

to his lovely wife,
and also to present her

with a 2022 Payne Magellan,
fully loaded.

Oh, this is so wrong.

Well, you were the one
who was all just like,

"Put your lips where her ass
is going to be."

Yeah, I meant agree with her,
not take advantage

of a sad widow who just wants
to be allowed to grieve

and dress rescue workers
up in her husband's skin.

So, Clive, if you're
out there, we're with you,

because Payne Motors
truly has the Power to Move.

Thank you for
those kind words.

My Clive was a pastor,
and he preached core values,

values that I'm sure
Katherine shares.

I do.

He preached to love
your neighbor.

He preached honesty.

The sanctity of family.
The sin of h*m*.

- Oh, uh...
- Did she...

I'm sorry. So Mrs. Judson
is clearly grieving,

- so we're going to wrap...
- Clive's life was spent

fighting the h*m* agenda
in all its forms.

Okay, okay. Thank you.
The press conference is over.

This is over. Thank you.

And I promise
to use this vehicle

- to continue Clive's legacy...
- Which way do we go?

Did anybody bother to
[bleep] vet this woman?

Of preaching to the perverts
and the sodomites

that what awaits them is far
worse than just a skinning.

Well, that ruined
my fireman fantasy.

- Yeah, same.
- Hmm.

Oh, they caught him.

And the guy he kidnapped
is still alive.

- Yay.
- That's great.

Should we put out
a statement?

I don't know.
I trust your instincts.

What do you think I should do?

Umm. I don't think
we need to respond.

- Yeah. Okay. Let it go.
- Mm-hmm.

We could do a nationwide sale,

the Payne "Save Your Skin"
Day, or...

Yeah. No. It's nothing.
Just leave it.