01x10 - Unchained Monarchy

[bunniefuu]

I've got to find Mom and Dad!

Princess Blossom, wait!

Mom?! Daddy?

Princess, please, it's not safe.

Umm, no sh*t, Patrick.

That guy has an axe
through his f*cking face.

We need to get you away from here.

I wonder if before he d*ed,
he had time to think,

"Oh, f*ck, there's an axe in my face."

Huh? What the?

Blossom! My sweet baby!

Mommy! Daddy!

Patrick k*lled the Minotaur
and saved me.

- What? No way.
- Seems unlikely.

What's all that racket out here?

I'm trying to do a crossword puzzle.

Pipe down unless you can help me.

"Greetings for an elderly dog,"
11 letters.

You old bitch!

I was hoping you d*ed up here
and nobody told me.

Hello, brother dear.
Look who got overthrown.

And is that Tulip?
I barely recognized you.

Goodness, middle age ran over your face,
then backed up and did it again.

Shut up, Aunt Donna.

You are in danger, too,
you nasty old shitghoul.

Ugh, this d*ck again.

You're so annoying.

Stop ruining my life!

My plan worked perfectly.

Your best knights d*ed in the maze,
leaving your castle ripe for the taking.

We have an army, you sh*t‐for‐brains.
What's your plan when they show up?

Release us now,
and no harm will come to you. Mostly.

Some light t*rture probably,
but essentially no harm.

Time for the rightful ruler
to take her place on the throne.

Long live Queen Donna!

Her?

Me? She's not the ruler.

She's an egg‐sucking lunatic
with a boyfriend made out of yarn.

Ehh! This is absurd.
Take off that mask.

Very well then.

Sloane?

Who?

The ugly chambermaid.

It all makes sense now.

Being a chambermaid gave her access,
and being ugly gave her a motive.

I'm not ugly.
I just wear glasses.

Damn, girl.

Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t...

Everyone's dead.

You guys, help me!

What do we do now?

We stay in here until it's over.

What about Princess Blossom?

Probably dead. I hope.

But she's our friend. Hello.

If the roles were reversed,
she would totally‐.

Let us die.

She went out of her way to tell us that.
Many times.

It's just Blinkerquartz.

Were you hiding under the bed?

No.

I... I... I dropped something.

Shouldn't you be out there doing magic
on the assassins?

Make them all disappear?

Oh, dear girl,

I'm the designated survivor.

You see, I must stay alive in case
anything happens to the royal family.

You wouldn't want me
to abandon my duty, w‐would you?

I guess not.

Oh, we have a foursome.
Let's play a board game.

We don't like playing with Blossom
because she cheats.

Sweep the castle
and k*ll any stragglers.

Nobody gets out alive.

Sloane, how could you do this?

How? With your help, of course.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Patrick? A traitor?

But... I never helped you.

You know, I'm probably not supposed
to tell anybody this,

but... the king locked up
his weird sister in the prison tower.

Psst! Blossom always rides separately
from her ladies‐in‐waiting.

Don't tell anybody, it's a secret.

If it's a secret, then shut the f*ck up!

You know that urban legend
about the Minotaur labyrinth?

It's true.

You guys looking for a third?
Oh, it's Sloane.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

Same, yeah.
Where's that labyrinth at?

You thirsty fuckboy.

You told her all of our secrets?

Okay, well, I guess now everybody knows

I can't poop unless someone's
holding my hand and telling me a story.

Great.

I didn't know that.

Sloane, why do you care
if Donna's the queen or not?

Because my name's not Sloane.
It's Danielle.

Danielle? Danielle.

That's right, Mother.
I've come back to you.

- Mother?
- Oh, ho‐ho, sweetheart.

Is it really you?

That's preposterous.
If you'd had a baby, we'd have known.

There's a lot you don't know
about me, little brother.

Lucky for you, I wrote and illustrated
a children's book all about it. Hmmph.

I'm shopping it to publishers now.

One of them is the rat
that lives in the wall.

As a young girl, I was in love
with a hunky stable boy named Danny.

Look at the pecs on this kid.

The first time my womanly
rose bloomed

all over my f*cking designer sheets

I told no one.

Uh, you said this book was for children?

If my secret got out, they'd lock me up

in a d*ck‐proof chastity belt,
which is bullshit.

Eventually they caught me red‐handed.
I had a heavy flow back then.

For f*ck's sake.

On the eve of the period party,

Danny and I ran away
to start a new life together.

It was a real fuckfest.

And then Danielle was born.
Our life was perfect.

Until we were discovered
by my father's men.

I was dragged back to the castle
and locked in this very tower.

It's a g*dd*mn downer of an ending.

But I never knew what happened
to my baby after that.

Hmmph. Or to Danny.

Donna, that's so tragic.

No wonder you're absolutely unbearable.

Dad joined the circus to pursue
his lifelong dream of sword‐swallowing.

After he d*ed‐swallowing a sword‐‐
I was raised by a family of acrobats.

As their eldest child,
my mother is the rightful queen.

Making me the rightful heir.

And I'm not the only one who thinks so.

All of us who wear this insignia

believe that the true queen
has been locked up too long.

Hah. The kingdom's never going to choose
my dingbat sister over me.

What choice will they have?

I've spent months knocking off
every other blueblood

with a claim to the throne.

So, tomorrow at dawn,
in front of the whole world,

I'll chop your heads off.

One, two, three.

Donna will be crowned queen,
and nobody can say sh*t about it.

Come along, Mother.
Our legacy awaits.

Can I bring Daniel?

No, Mother. It's creepy.

Your girlfriend's a real c**t.

I can't believe my first real girlfriend
turned out to be a criminal mastermind.

Ho‐ho‐ho!

Okay, wow.

Dating an assassin and didn't even notice.

Just another man, underestimating
a woman's capacity for evil.

Jeez.

Hang in there, Patrick.

All women are assassins
of one stripe or another.

Most of them just k*ll your dreams.

Excuse me?

The kid's feeling down, dear.

Some light misogyny
can be a real pick‐me‐up.

On the other hand,
maybe I'm on the wrong side.

But whatever.
She's not winning this breakup.

- I'm getting us out of here.
- Uh...

Um, Patrick, I'm gonna need you
to hold my hand and tell me a story.

Oh my god, no.

Hmm.

Story.

What are you doing?
I need that toilet!

The sewage system is a way out.

But I need a rope.

Would a buttload of sex yarn help?

Why is he so damp?

Ugh! I need you to lower me down.

If you need more slack,
unravel your aunt's homemade f*ck doll.

Eww!

Blue.

B‐L‐U‐E.

Now pick a number.

Six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Now pick a number.

Another number? Two.

This is ridiculous.

Okay, here's your fortune:

"Something exciting is headed your way."

How does it know?

Just does. Duh.

Are you witches? Do it again.

Uggh.

Alright, slow and steady.

The stink is making my eyes water!

How the f*ck do you think
it smells down here?

Whoaaa!

Oh! f*ck it! Ow! sh*t!

Oh! f*ck! Ow! Ow!

Ow! sh*t! Ow! f*ck!

Ow! f*ck!

Time for Operation Steal Stuff, huh?

From the Castle.

We'll never get
another chance like this.

We need to find the vault.
That's where they'll keep the good stuff.

We could really use an insider
right about now.

Where's Patrick?

Holy sh*t!

Guys. You're here.

Oh, thank God.

That sh*t golem sounds like Patrick.

Oh no, nope, nope.

If you hug me, I'll k*ll you.

There's been a coup.
The royal family's going to be ex*cuted.

You've got to help me free them.

Why would we ever do that?

Because it's our king and queen.

I don't even know the king's name, man.
Wait, is it Murray?

Patrick, it doesn't matter
who sits on the throne.

Kings and queens come and go,
but they're all the same.

They get rich and fat
while the rest of us suffer.

Seriously, is it King Murray
and Queen Tina?

I think that's right, right?

What gives them the right to steal
from the rest of us?

Wha‐‐? But that's what you do.

Yes, well,
at least we're upfront about it.

And look, while you're here, um, you've
got the drawing skills in the family.

Um, how about just whipping up
a quick map to the vault, huh?

Oh, and we're surrounded.

I guess you have no choice now, huh?

You have to help me fight.

They're not our enemy, Patrick.
They're yours.

Do you want this squire?
You can have him.

We're doing our own thing, don't mind us.

What?

God dammit.
I didn't choose to be your little brother.

But I always believed, deep down,
that when it mattered, you'd have my back.

Because I'm your family.

But if that's not true

I guess I have no one to blame
but myself.

You told me my whole life I didn't matter.

It's my fault for not believing you.

Ah, f*ck, he's right.

Huh!

He's our brother. Huh!

Yeah! And nobody beats up
our brother but us.

Bam!

Thanks, you guys.

Suck on this!

Heh‐heh‐hey!

Ugggh! Patrick!

Jesus Christ, Patrick!

My girlfriend's evil
and I'm covered in sh*t.

I'm working through some residual anger.

Huh?

Oh, God.

Oh, hell no.

Ugh, this tower is m*rder
on my quads. Oh!

Sloane!

Ha‐ha! Danielle.

Sorry, I can't keep your lies straight.

Hah!

Don't be mad at me.

If you adjust your perspective
a teensy bit,

I'm actually the hero of this story.

Uggh! What?

You're a liar. And a k*ller.

What choice did I have?
My mother is the rightful queen.

You can't deny that.

It's not that simple.

Uggh!

The Old King locked up Donna.
But then Merriman locked up the Old King.

What? The Old King d*ed of plague.

The Old King is still alive.
Donna isn't the rightful anything.

And neither is Merriman.

That... That can't be true.

Look, what happened to your mom sucks.
Chastity belts are barbaric.

But according to the law,

she gave up her sh*t at the throne
when she broke the rules.

But Merriman broke the rules too.
So what does it matter?

Join us! My mother is queen now.

She can make you a knight.
You can be my boyfriend.

And if we work as a couple,
you know, travel well together,

see how cohabitation goes.

Who knows?
You could be king one day.

So, you really feel that way about me?
You weren't just using me?

Oh, you weren't even a part of my plan.
You were just a happy accident.

I liked hanging out with you.

God dammit. I...

I liked it too.

It doesn't matter who sits
on the throne.

Kings and queens come and go,
but they're all the same.

And Merriman is
an objectively terrible ruler.

The people are suffering.

Exactly.
You'd be doing the right thing.

For everybody.

Plus you'd get to see me naked.

That does sound like a win‐win.

Oh...

Yaaa!

Well, that was annoying.

Alright, fun's over.

Let's go commit some crimes
to balance out the good deed.

Time for Operation Steal Stuff
We're Gonna Steal.

Before We Got Sidetracked
By Personal Growth.

I mean, I bet I'd get a lot more respect
at home if I were king.

And it could happen
sooner than you think.

Mother could always catch a bad case
of fall‐down‐the‐stairs‐itis,

if you know what I mean.

You'd k*ll your own mother?

No. I'm sorry.

I swore an oath
and I'm not going back on it.

Promises don't seem to mean
that much to you, but they do to me!

Haaaa!

You dickhead!
Now you're never gonna see me naked.

Think about that.

Haaaa!

Give up. Your people
are getting their asses kicked.

And once the army hears you've att*cked
the castle, they'll return to help.

You can't win.

Yes, I can!

I'll blow up the royal family!

And I already k*lled everyone else
in the line of succession.

So guess what?

It's gonna be Mother
or it's gonna be nobody!

Arggh!

No!

What the f*ck?!

Holy f*cking asscrackers!

- Blossom!
- Sweetheart. Are you alright?

I'm still alive, Mom.

Don't make such a big deal
out of everything. God.

Mama!

Sorry, darling,
I'm busy not making a big deal out of it.

Patrick!

Argggh!

- Ha‐ha!
- Yeah! k*ll her, Patrick.

Curb‐stomp her!

Yaaa!

Give up, Danielle.

Give up? I already won.

Once this tower falls,

the only heir to the throne
still alive will be Mother!

It's a perfect plan, sweetheart.

Mother?
What the f*ck are you doing up here?

I came back for Daniel.

Oh! You're ruining everything!

Huh?

Fine. Go ahead and die, Mother.

That means I'm heir to the throne.

Squirrel wings!

Huhhh!

Raised in a circus, bitch!

Waaaa!

Guess we're doing this, then.

Squirrel wings!

Aaaaah!

Fashion show! Fashion show.

Hey, look, that lady's flying.

Take Human Shield!

What?

Did you guys know there's
a hidden passageway back here?

Grab whatever's not nailed down
and follow us.

Hmm.

Hmm?

Yes!

There goes my sister.
Always making it about her.

Hurry. Into the sh*t chute!

I'm gonna take the stairs.

Get in that f*cking toilet!

Patrick, since we're
probably going to die,

I want you to know,
you're like the son I never had.

Thank you, Sire.

The son I never had,
that I am aware of.

Right.

- I get around, Patrick.
- Sire, please jump.

Yaa!

Oh my god. The royal family.

Designated survivor, baby!

f*ck!

Your majesties. You're alive!

Yes, the expression I'm making
doesn't mean I'm not thrilled.

I'm‐I'm‐I'm thrilled.

Has anyone seen Patrick?

Patrick.

- There he is!
- Patrick!

Oh, he's fine.

Buddy, you did it.

Everyone.

Do not drink the moat water.

It links directly to the sewage system.

This is so gross,
but I can't stop looking at it.

Where were you, dumb whores?

You're supposed to protect me.

Oh, whoops.
You should probably fire us.

No way.

God as my witness, Human Shield,

you will die protecting me.

Oh. Hello, Ruben.

Holden. How's your fiancée?

Donna, stop being so dramatic.
Get up.

Oh my god.

Today was a disaster.

Eh, maybe.

But you should be proud
of yourself, Patrick.

Proud?

You k*lled the Minotaur,
defeated the assassin,

and rescued the whole
f*ckin' royal family.

Huh. I guess I did all that, huh?

Am I actually good at this job?

You know what?

I hereby take you off my shart list.

I'm a good squire.

This is the greatest day of my life.

And here I had you pegged as the squire

most likely to cut his own head off
by accident.

Who's at the top of that list now? Huh?

Is it me?

It's me, isn't it?

Yeah

it's me.

Nice.

Thinks he'll put his daddy
out to pasture, eh?

When I escape this gilded cage,
sonny boy's gonna reap the whirlwind.

He's gonna enter a hell
previously unknown to mankind.

I wonder if any
of those snickerdoodles are left.

Hello, Gramps.

That was amazing.