09x03 - Scorched Earth

[bunniefuu]

Your pal ran into your
old flame the other day...

- Who? - Angie. - Who? Oh.

- She was actin' different.
- How was she's acting different?

I don't think you wanna know
how she was acting different.

Wait.

Now, was she acting different

like I think she was
acting different?

She was acting different exactly
like you think she was acting different.

Oh, cripes! So,
she was acting different just like...

She was acting different like
somebody who's gone traveling

for the first time
and then come home

and is acting different.

ALL: Ugh!

Is there anything worse?

Still born puppies...

and nothing else.

This might be the worst
case I've ever seen.

ALL: Ugh.

(English accent:) So,
she's speaking

with a bit of an accent then,
Dary?

She came home speaking
with a wee bit of an accent then?

(English accent:) Is it now
like every statement ends

like it's a question then, Dary?

Everything she says is like it's
a f*cking question then, innit?

- Innit?
- D'you know what I mean?

She using words like
cheeky and bugger?

Why, you cheeky bugger,
then, Dary.

Oi, Dary, you cheeky bugger,

I haven't seen you in bloody minute,
'ave I?

- Haven't I! - Has she gone mad?

- Is she knackered?
- Do y'know what I mean?

Is she saying things to you like,
"Cheers, ring me, yeah?"

(Regular voice:) No,
she did not say "ring you".

(English accent:) D'you
know what I mean?

(English accent:)
Are you bothered?

- I'm not bothered.
- Aren't you?

- Innit? - Do you? - Don't I?

- Do we?
- D'you know what I mean?

So, she watches TV on the telly then,
yeah?

Yeah. And her apartment is
now referred to as her flat, yeah?

And instead of waiting in line,

she's waiting in the queue now,
yeah?

She's waiting in the queue
for the tube now, yeah?

She's waiting in the queue for the pub now,
yeah?

Waiting in the queue at
the pub for a pint then, yeah?

- D'you know what I mean?
- Now, has she done 'Eye-beetha'?

Yeah, Dary,
has she done 'Ih-Beetza'?

- 'Oi-beefa'.
- Has she done 'Bah-tha-lowna'?

Yeah, Dary,
has she done 'Bawf-a-rowna'?

- 'Baw-tha-luna'.
- 'Biffininna'.

- D'you know what I mean?
- Has she done 'Buda-pesht'?

Yeah, Dary,
has she done 'Shrlanka'?

Is she 'Shr-Lankan'?

Has she done 'Mel-bun'?

Not 'Mel-bern' because
it's pronounced 'Mel-bun'.

- 'Mel-bun'.
- D'you know what I mean?

And she only watches foreign features now,
yeah?

It's like,
did she stay off the beaten path

or did she go to where it's touristy,
right?

Cuz you don't wanna go to where
it's too touristy, d'y'know what I mean?

All she's done is hostels
and backpacks and Kiwis!

- The BBC.
- It was like she photographed in,

like, a cage with, like,
a sedated tiger, innit?

I've written a bloody travel blog,
haven't I.

The BBC 3.

And it's like did
she get a little shlog,

get a little fix,
if she's a little fit, innit.

It's like,
there is comedy and then,

there is British comedy,
you f*cking bell-end.

It's like them Yanks
sew the Canadian flags

up on their backpacks what
when they go backpackins

cuz, you know,
everyone loves them Canadians, yeah?

I've hand rolled me cigarettes,
haven't I!

ALL (Regular voices:) Pull
your finger outta your ass!

(Theme music playing)

(Electronic music playing)

♪

♪ I've been there, done that,
messed around ♪

♪ I'm having fun
don't put me down ♪

♪ I'll never let you
sweep me off my feet ♪

♪ I won't let you in again ♪

♪ The messages
I've tried to send ♪

♪ My information's
just not going in ♪

♪ Burning bridges
shore to shore ♪

♪ I'll break away
from something more ♪

♪ I'm not turned on to
love until it's cheap ♪

♪ Been there, done that,
messed around ♪

♪ I'm having fun,
don't put me down ♪

♪ I'll never let you
sweep me off my feet ♪

♪ This time, baby, I'll be... ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time, baby, I'll be... ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time, baby, I'll be... ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time, baby, I'll be... ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time... ♪

- How're ya now? - Good 'n you?

- Not s'bad. - Where was yous?

Goin' scorched Earth, boys.

- Had me a date.
- Well, how'd it go, Katy-Kat?

Almost not worth talkin' about.

Swing, batta batta!

And the old boy strikes out.

And the side retires.

More like stunk out.

- Is that what he did?
- The dude was... ripe.

- Is that what he was?
- Bit spicy.

- Like... an odour? - A smell.

Well,
type of dude who smells like

he wants to be left alone, eh?

Well, how bad?

- Y'know Schmellies?
- Can confirm.

- Take that. - 'Kay.
- Now double it.

- Hm. - So you skedaddled?

Well, if you smell gamey,
you ain't gonna lay me.

- Well...
- If you want to hit a base,

at least air out the place.

- Fair. - Not fair.

What if, like me,

his smells are something
of an occupational hazard?

And that's nothing to feels ashamed about,
Dary.

Some smells just stick.

Well, if you're married to
your f*ckin' barn clothes, yeah.

I made a commitment
to date local

and I expected a few coarse edges,
but still wash.

You gotta wash.

You gotta Walla
Walla Washington.

You gotta George Washington.

You've gotta George
Washington Carver.

- Carver? - Hardly knew 'er.

Yeah,
that dude didn't wash. First date, too.

A first impression's
a lasting one.

- Well, to be fair...

- To be fair. - To be fair.

To be fair,

another way of looking
at the situation is that,

perhaps,
the stress of it being a first date

is precisely what caused
that unfortunates aromas.

- Yeah, the nervous sweats.
- Yous two are soft on crime.

- It happens.
- It always happens.

Have you met
devil's advocate Dan?

- (Scoffing) - Okay, well,

the nervous sweats are
better than the meat sweats.

Oh, could've very easily
have been the meat sweats.

No, that's an old wives tale.

No, it isn't.

Meat sweats is a real phenomenon

or something like a phenomenon.

The Swedes did a study on it.

Bet the Swedes hammer a lotta meatballs,
eh?

- Swedes probably
hammer the most meatballs.

- Yous are meatballs.

One trip to IKEA and
everyone's a f*cking expert.

What if it was the
vintage tee sweats?

- What?
- Well, what's say you buy

a tee shirt at a vintage store.

Some other nut sack,
or nut sacks,

have previously owned
and worn the tee shirt,

and they have perspired in it,
and then,

when you perspire,
their stink rises to the top.

- Ugh...
- Pretty gnar, but here we are.

- Pretty Paul Gross.
- If you're nauseous, be cautious.

D'you wanna know what? I
don't care if it's the nervous sweats

or the meat seats or
the vintage tee sweats.

Thanks! Thank you.

There's something
that Mom and Dad

shoulda drilled into you
a long time ago - wash.

- Wash. - BOTH: Born to judge.

- Well, I'm outta here.
- Wheres you off to nows?

I've got my two o'clock.

- Your two o'clock what? - Date.

- Another ones?
- How many dates you goin' on?

- Today? - Holy f*ck.

- Three. - Three whole dates?

I'm goin' scorched Earth, boys.

What's the need for going
on three dates in one day?

Dary...

if you can be one thing,
you should be efficient.

She's right.

Must be f*ckin' nice.

Dream notch on the bedpost,
boys.

We've already played this.

- Animated edition, buddy.
- BOTH: In.

Cartoon character
you'd most like to smash.

Daxie, go.

- Fred Flintstone. - Why?

Never wears pants. That's a head
start I can get behind and would.

- Barney's in the same camp.
- Flintstone's were the inaugural Village People.

- That's so hot.
- That's so f*ckin' hot.

- Let's f*ck a village person.
- I'll f*ck a village person.

- Let's f*ck a whole village. - I'll f*ck some villagers.
- We'll have a gay old time.

- Reilly, go. - Ariel.

- The Little Mermaid?
- She's not that little.

Besides, Prince Eric would never

smash a mermaid
that was too little.

Not the Prince Eric I know.

She's like 16 in the movie.

Well, according to the
film's official novelization,

Prince Eric was
eighteen. So he's good...

in most states?

Any concern for the
very likely fishy smell?

- None whatsoever. - Jonesy, go.

Maid Marian from Disney's
rendition of Robin Hood.

She's foxy, bro.

Oh, super foxy!

Which is not surprising,

considering she
is literally a fox!

Where's Gailer?

Well,
it's supposed to be a secret,

but since you've basically
already guessed it,

Gail is out of action because
Gail is gettin' some action.

You mean that old goat's
wandered into the horse pen?

- You said it, not me.
- Who's the stud?

- It's a super secret.
- Okay, buddy.

It's under the classified cone,
Jonesy.

- A little space, spasiba.
- No worries, Glenski.

I will not tell tales out of school,
Reilly.

Honestly,
you've become relentless. I don't like it.

It's not a good look on
you. It's not a good colour.

- I'm happy for her.
- You too, now?

Listen, I cannot handle this pressure,
gentleman.

It's gonna make me crumble,
crumble like

the beautiful Greek
statue that I kind of am.

- End of discussion then.
- Oh! Fine!

(Sighing) Since you were
talking about cartoon takedowns,

let's put it this way,

if Gail's takedown were
a cartoon character,

he'd be Woody from Toy Story,
one through four.

But that's all you're
getting outta Glen.

That's it. Zip it up. Fort
Knox. Nothing more!

It's 'cause he's tall, lanky

and wears cowboy hat,
goodness gracious.

He talks real fast. I mean,
real fast,

but that's all the auction... Oh,
Glen...

All the action that I will
participate in! Enough!

ALL: Jimmy d*ck-skin?

Is as tall lying down
as he is standing up.

I heard that from
the horse's mouth.

But that's the end
of this conversation.

It's a three-hander. Okay?

But that's it. Goodbye!

Fine! It's the
length of a chair leg

and the girth of a coffee mug.

Are you happy now? I
cannot keep talking about this!

Okay, he's quite tall,
so if he's standing straight up...

I'm just trying to do
a little math here...

And his horn is a high jump bar

I think it's set at
about a meter-twenty.

- Glen... - Bonnie, I'm trying!

Listen, I'm at work right now.

I'm trying to finish
my shift here.

Do you think I want to
stand around here all day,

when I'm supposed to be working,
but instead

I'm talking about my
employer and her personal life,

and how Jim Dickens' horn
could double as a pull-up bar?

I don't like any part of this,
gentlemen!

Glen!

Fine! We're done! We're done!

And, Bonnie,
enough. And we're done.

Enough and enough!

Do you guys think
Jimmy d*ck-skin

can, like, suck his own wiener?

And the small town
rumour mill begins to churn.

When was the
last time you tried?

- How're you now?
- Good 'n' you?

- Not so bad. - That was quick.

That was one was
better... but still a bust.

Swing, batta batta.

Good cut. Good cut.

Caught a nice piece of it,

but still foul... smelling?

Foul was not the
issue this time around.

Good. Wash.

- He had summer teeth.
- What's summer teeth?

Pretty good Wilcos album.

Summer' here. Some are there.

And you don't like that, eh?

Duh.

- How bad's we talkins? - Bad.

How bad?

Summer' inside his mouth

and summer' not inside
his mouth anymore.

See, I got, uh...

I got a wee bit
of time for that.

- Pardon? - Yeah, you know,

likes as long as they're cleans.

(Muttering agreement)

- No, they weren't.
- Oh, yeah, no. f*ck that. No.

- God, no. - He a flosser?

Did not appear to
have flossed. No.

(Chuckling) But, I mean...

nobody really flosses.

(Chuckling)

Right?

Are yous f*ckin' with me?

Here's all I'm saying -
is there's a lot of super,

mega babes out there who have

what some might
call imperfect teeth.

- Like who? - Jessica Pare.

- Anna Paquins. - Madonna.

Mick Jagger's daughter
Georgia May Jagger.

- Vanessa Paradis. - Jewel.

And don't forget Dutch
supermodel Lara Stone.

But you guys like that?

Look,
here's the thing and I'm gonna tell ya -

what's a person
without imperfections?

Yeah,
I like a little bit of au naturel.

Professor Tricia calls it flaws
of the Kardashian generations -

young womens refuse to
accept their perfect imperfections.

Personally,
I like a dude with straight teeth.

To each his or her own.

Well, I'm sorrys.

I didn't realize we was talkings

to the Queen of
f*ckin' Englands!

- We should all be so lucky!
- Yeah, must be f*ckin' nice!

- I'm outta here.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Katys.

Oh, yeah. Sorry 'bout
that. Didn't mean to shout

- n' make ya leave or anything.
- Sorry too, Katy-Kat.

To each his or her own.

But I'm only leaving
because I've got my third date.

Scorched Earth, boys.

Oh! Must be f*ckin' nice!

So...

BOTH: So...

- So... - BOTH: So...

You guys hear Gail ordered
a Chipotle Chimichanga?

(Laughing)

Yeah. Heard it was smoked
meat with an extra-large pickle.

- Still not bigger than Stewart's.
- Roald...

Just so we're
crystal clear here,

you guys heard Jim
Dickens f*cked Gailer?

- What?
- We heard Gailer f*cked Jim Dickens.

- Steamy. - Sordid.

- Squalid.
- Gail lassoed a cowboy.

You guys hear
Chipotle Chimichanga?

- Double stuffed. - That's good.

How big is that exactly?

Take a Chipotle Chimichanga...

- Yeah. - Now double it.

I'm not a math guy.

- Still not bigger than Stewart's.
- Roald.

DAX: I heard Gail rode
that sturdy steed till sunrise.

- I heard the stallion never petered off.
- Giddy-up.

I've never thought about
Jim Dickens like that before,

but now I fear I may never stop.

(Speaking indistinctly)

Well, I think Jim Dickens

is all that most people
are thinking about tonight.

(All laughing)

Did I just get a
text from Gail? Yes.

Did she use the raindrop emoji
in reference to her womanhood?

Maybe. Did you hear
any of this from Glen? No!

(Chuckling)

(All chuckling)

(Chuckling)

(All laughing)

(Laughing)

The small town
rumour mill is a-churnin'.

(Laughing)

I think I'd like to start going on dates,
like Katy.

- Attaboy. - With a local gal.

This long distance relationship's
too much f*ckin' work.

Like to meet a gal
from Letterkenny.

Since it's been a
topics of conversations,

may I gently suggest

that if you're about to
re-enter the dating games,

that you steps up
your hygiene games.

What are ya talking
about "my hygiene game"?

Get outta your f*ckin' barn clothes,
bud!

I need a Gus N' Bru.

- (Sighing) - Batta batta swing?

Didn't even make it
into the batter's box.

He's outta there.

You know,
three losses is a slump.

Well, two's a slump,
but that's splittin' hairs.

Dating sucks.

Must be f*ckin' nice.

He was a crotch scratcher, Dary.

That is typical batter's box behaviour,
though.

What kind of a crotch scratcher?

There's more than one
type of crotch scratcher?

ALL: Yes.

The most popular
being the pocket scratch,

in which you pretend you're
searching for your change

or keys and then...
the pocket scratch.

- 'Kay.
- Then, there's the sits and wiggle scratch.

Well, how does that one go?

That's when a guy
keeps adjusting his chair

for no apparent
reason whatsoever

so that he can distract
from what he's really doing,

which was the sits
and wiggle scratch.

I've never seen a guy do that.

DAN, WAYNE: Yes, you have.

And then,
there's the lesser known

"Hey,
look over there" scratcher.

I'm exhausted.

Katy,
how long has that photo of you

been up on the
fridge over there for?

Which?

You just scratched yourself,
didn't you?

Well, I'm never gonna tell.

Well,
this guy didn't even trying to hide it.

He was just givin 'er!

Ah, the old 'f*ck you' scratch.

Were you on a date with a degen?

I don't understand
ball scratchin' on dates.

What are you six?
Don't pull your puddin'!

In all fairness,
that's a two way street there,

Miss Katys,
'cause I've seen more than my share

of ladies doing
the pocket pinchin'.

- Yeah, don't pick your poon.
- Pardon?

- I said, don't pick your...
- Piss off!

Dart?

(Phones vibrating)

KATY: Whoa.

DAN: That is juicy.

So... to MoDean's?

I'd have a dart!

♪

Bonnie! Turn that down!

(Music plays quietly)

Heard some talk that
people been talkin'.

It's okay.

I'm the first gal from town
to take down Jim Dickens.

He's always fancied
girls from Donegal,

where I'm heard he's referred
to as the Donegal Ripper.

He's a mystery
around here... till now.

How big is d*ck-skin?

Take a roll of paper towel.

Take all the
paper towel off of it

'til yer left with just
the cardboard tubing

inside the roll.

- Got it? - ALL: Yeah.

- Now double it. - ALL: Yeah.

Know how I'm near sighted?

ALL: Yeah.

d*ck-skin got behind
me at one point.

His horn's so long I
needed my glasses

to see what he was
up to back there.

- Still not as big as Stewart...
- Roald!

At one point,
d*ck-skin scooped me up by my bum,

like Vin Diesel in the original

Fast & Furious
movie motion picture.

Okay.

He's so tall,

it was the equivalent
of riding an elevator

up one and a half stories,

with one hundred and
a half times the danger.

Is it hard for anyone
else to picture Dickens

doing anything but
fast-talking auctioneering?

Who said there was no
fast-talk auctioneering?!

f*ck off.

"Can I get a dip, one dip, dip?

"Can I get an ass in the
air like I just don't care?

"Oh! (Grunting)

"f*ckin' Gail everywhere.

"f*ckin' Gail. f*ckin' Gail here,
here.

"Goin' once, goin' once..."

JIM: Would you
like to go twice...

- (Gasping) - ...Gailer?

Jim d*ck-skins. Didn't
see you come in there.

- Didn't ya not really?
- No. Why?!

Well, he's a c-hair shy
of seven feet tall is all.

These are for you. I
picked them myself.

- Aww... - (Sniffing)

Huh. Smells nice.

How would you like
to pick another flower?

Buy me a beer first?

'Kay.

I'd put it on your tab,
but I can't seem to find it.

Maybe we should
just start a new one.

(Both chuckling)

Is anyone else thinking
what I'm thinking?

Free beer if you smash Gailer?

No. Two people
from the same town,

together and
happy... it's kinda rare.

Big take away,
there is no one dateable in this town.

Yeah, well, I mean,
what about...

No. There's no one
dateable in this town.

- Well, there is... - No.

There is no one
dateable in this town!

Do you agree with that, Bonnie?

Buncha' stinkers and scratchers,
really.

It's just no one new or
exotic ever comes into town.

Like what's it going to
take for some sexy Brit

to come in here and
charm me with that accent?

ALL: Angie?

(English accent:) Oh,
please do excuse me, yeah?

I've been abroad for so long,
I'm barely recognizable,

d'you know what I mean?

Where does the queue
begin for a pint at this pub?

I've drank nearly
nothing but Guinness

since Dublin, haven't I?

Oh. Do you take euros here?

ALL: Pull your
finger outta your ass.

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I will not be accountable
for what comes out ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I'm known for running my... ♪

♪ I'm known for
running my mouth ♪

♪ I will not be accountable
for what comes out ♪

I'm known for running my... ♪