01x08 - O Sister, Where Art Thou?

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Yes.

Oh, Becky, this is Ben.

Ben, my sister, Becky.

- Oh.
- Perfect. I'm on break.

[Chuckles]

- So nice to finally meet you.
- Yeah.

So, what do you see in her?

Uh, excuse me?

As the first person in
the family to finally meet Ben,

I feel a certain obligation to grill him

and make him feel uncomfortable.

[Chuckles]

So, are you serious about her,

or is it just about
the disappointing sex?

Uh, that was wildly inappropriate.

The sex is not disappointing.

He's a middle-aged man
doing the best that he can.

[Laughs]

Oh!

Okay. I get it. The gloves are off?

All right. Let's do this.

Darlene won't commit to being serious

because she's afraid to be vulnerable.

And you seem like a lunatic.

Okay. My turn, my turn.

I am afraid to be vulnerable

because he's too old
to have never been married,

and I think there's something
broken inside there.

Who says I'm not married?
You barely know me.

Oh. Let's go. That's my dad.

Oh! Why can't I meet him?

Oh, we got to do this
one Conner at a time.

You barely got past Becky.

What up, Daddy-o?

Picking up lunch for my crew.

No need to lie to me, Dad.

Enjoy your four meals.

- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Louise.

Remember when we were
talking about your band

and I couldn't remember
the name of that group

I used to like?

Found 'em.

Oh, my God.

Baby Huey & the Babysitters.

"Messin' with the Kid."

BOTH: ♪ You can call it what you want ♪

♪ But I call it messin' with the kid ♪

Wow.

You know, right when I left Lanford,

I got to Chicago, I sat in with them.

- No!
- Oh, yeah.

Then they looked over, saw me sittin'

on the edge of the stage,
and I got thrown out.

[Laughs]

It's so nice to have you back.

I remember you packing your drums

in the back of your LeBaron
after graduation

and heading down to Chicago
with your band.

Yeah, that was
the beginning of the long,

slow climb to the bottom.

Well, I was jealous of you.

I still kick myself for
not taking my guitar

and hitting the road like you did.

Mm. Don't b*at yourself up.

You were terrible.

I'm okay with that.

I'm kind of the Jimmy Page of drywall.

[Chuckles]

So, I have a little
surprise for you, too.

I have an extra ticket
for an oldies concert

in Ravinia tomorrow night.

You want to go with me and my buddies?

Who's playing?

Just a bunch of bands
from the ' s and ' s...

what's left of 'em, anyway.

There's, uh, Gladys Knight & the Pip,

uh, the Two Tops,

and a Righteous Brother.

[Chuckles]

I'm going, on the odd chance
I get to see One Dog Night.

[Laughs]

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded in front of

a live studio audience.

Harris? What happened? Are you okay?

She's fine. Are you the mom?

No, I'm the aunt.

What happened?

She got caught drinking in the woods

with some of her friends.

I'm the only one who didn't get away

because I was wearing heels.

Why were you wearing heels in the woods?

There was a guy there that I liked,

and I wanted my ass to look good.

You must be very proud.

Thank you, Officer.
I can take it from here.

Fine. Just tell her parents

that she's been hanging
with a bad crowd.

I really hope I don't have to
come back to this house again.

That's what everyone says.

Come back here.

All right. Let's have the lecture.

Yeah, you're gonna get a lecture.

First, you got to figure out
your escape route

before you get hammered.

And make sure it's downhill
so if you trip,

you can roll out of danger.

Wait, what?

And if you're with a nerdy girl,

push her down at the first
sight of trouble.

You get away,
she gets a cool reputation...

it's a win-win.

Why are you telling me this?

Because even though I'm not
happy that you were drinking,

I don't want you getting caught
because your friends are stupid.

Thank you.

You know, I got to tell you,

I'm kind of surprised

that you're even helping me.

I didn't think you liked me.

Of course I like you.
Why would you think that?

Because I've been here for a year,

and you've barely talked to me.

[Sighs] Okay. Sit down.

[Sighs]

Remember that Christmas when you were ,

and I wanted you to see

what a really strong woman was,

so I showed you "k*ll Bill"?

Yeah.

It was more decapitations

than I've seen before or since.

But your mom totally flipped out on me.

Ever since that, everything
I do or say around you,

I'm worried your mom's
gonna freak out about.

And I'm not judging your mom.

We're different people.

I'm cool, and she's an uptight psycho.

Are you cool enough to not
tell my mom about tonight?

[Sighs]

Okay. Here's the deal.

Stop drinking in the woods...

and I'll give you this one pass
as a cool aunt.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

It will never happen again.

But you can't ever tell her
that I didn't tell her.

Why would I do that?
That would be telling her.

There will be a time when
you guys are hanging out

and you'll feel like you're friends

and you'll want to share everything.

Do not fall for that. It's a trap.

♪

Wow. Somebody's been
to the back of her closet.

[Laughing] Yeah, well,

that's why I wore the shawl over here.

No, uh, Peter's doing a project

for his master's degree
in Nordic history,

so we're simulating the daily life

of a couple in medieval Norway.

Why?

Uh, it's, uh, interdisciplinary study

where he's trying to document

the sociology of relationships
at that time,

and unless we replicate
the experiences exactly,

then it invalidates the study.

I haven't had enough coffee

to... to have this conversation.

So you don't get to use
any modern conveniences?

Well, you guys just don't know the joy

of living close to the earth.

Do you have a, um,
wire brush I can borrow?

I have to scrape the fur off a squirrel.

You're eating a squirrel?

Well, many squirrels.

While they're hibernating,
there's not a lot to 'em.

Okay, guys.

Here's your salami pancake sandwiches.

You may want to trade these.

Okay, who's using the washing machine?

Oh, I don't know, the people
who live here? [Scoffs]

Do you know Louise Goldufski?

She works at the restaurant now.

Yeah, she was in Dan
and Roseanne's class.

Star of the talent show!

Every year, she and her
stupid band would go long

while somebody with a very
moving r*fle-twirling routine

couldn't even get up on stage.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure she
made a move on Dad yesterday.

[Gasps]

Ohh, you're kidding.

What did he do?

- He had no clue.
- Oh, no. No.

He's been out of the game for too long.

He has no idea how vicious
these gals can be.

With a fresh widower in their sights,

Dan's a mouse in a field,

and she's like this hawk
with her talons out.

You've changed since you started
hunting your own food.

I'm telling you... he's a catch.

We should warn him.

It's weird. I've never
thought of Dad as a catch.

Are you kidding me? At his age,

he can fall down
and get up on his own...

The ladies love it!

I'm gonna grab a bite.

I'll be back later to do my laundry.

- [Doorbell rings]
- I got it.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna
be out in the yard.

I got to look for a stick
in the shape of a fork.

Hi. Can I help you?

Is Harris Healy here?

Uh, n-no, she's in school.
Is something wrong?

She left this in my squad car.

My daughter was in your car? Why?

I guess your sister didn't tell you.

I caught her in the woods
drinking last night.

Wha... You've got to be kidding me.

Um... okay.

Well, thank you
for bringing her home safe.

By the way, there's gonna be reports

of screaming from this house later.

You guys should just ignore that.

Whatcha doin'?

Um, cutting vegetables with a rock.

You want to help me? It's infuriating.

[Speaking Old Norse] woman.

I bring nourishment from the sea.

Did you buy that at a store?

I got it from that fish market.

I bartered for it,

trading them zinc, nickel, and copper.

Some day, they will call them "coins."

I'm cutting a turnip with a rock,

and you went out and bought a fish.

Well, the important thing is
that I have provided dinner

in a historically accurate way.

I will now leave you to clean the fish

while I retire to the living room

to play my shinbone flute.

No, no, no. No.

No. I scraped the fur off a squirrel.

You're gutting the fish.

I need a couple hours without the smell

of death on my fingers.

Viking women were often
overwhelmed by their chores,

but generally suffered in silence.

- [Door opens, closes]
- The only thing I know about Vikings

is from "Hagar,"

and from what I remember,
he and his wife

used to like to fight in the
privacy of their own yurt.

Finally, the washer's free.

Have you guys had a little talk yet?

Little talk about what?

Nothing.

We were just talking about how well

you and Louise were getting along.

Open your eyes, Dan!

That man-eater's trying to
get into your Kirklands.

It's true, Dad. I saw it myself.

She was totally flirting with you.

She was not!

Louise and I enjoy talking to each other

about back in the day, and that's it.

You're , years old.

You know what I'm talking about.

♪

Hey. Look what I found.

- Oh, nice. Thanks.
- No. Not so fast.

A police officer said
you left it in his car.

You want to explain that?

Oh. [Sighs]

You really want to know?

I'm dating a cop.

Wow. You go down swinging.
I'll give you that.

You are grounded for three weeks.

Oh, come on!

Harris, is this what
your life is gonna be now...

drinking in the woods
with a bunch of idiots?

My friends aren't idiots.

And this is a ridiculous overreaction

for a couple of beers.

Harris, you are underage.

You cannot have any beers.

Get off my back.

I'm getting good grades,

and I scored really high on my ACTs.

It's not like I'm doing heroin.

It doesn't matter how smart you are.
Don't you get it?

A few wrong moves,
and you're screwed for life.

You want to end up like your Aunt Becky?

[Door slams]

Was Becky in the house?

She was doing laundry.

Damn it! And I almost said
"Like your Uncle DJ."

Can we just sit and talk

like regular freakin' people
just for a minute?

I can't do this anymore.

I'm cooking, I'm cleaning,
I'm making sacrifices to Odin.

I haven't had a decent
night's sleep or a meal

that my body knows how
to digest in four days.

It's been hard on both of us,

but it's gonna make such a great paper.

Yeah, but I have to actually
go out and strip a tree

in the park to make that paper.

This... is not working for me.

What are you talking about?

Look, I don't mind paying your tuition,

I don't mind running your errands,

and I don't mind doing
all the housework.

What I'm trying to say is I do mind.

I mind it all.

You knew that I was finishing
this degree when you met me.

And now when I'm under
the most pressure,

you insinuate that
I'm not bringing anything

to the relationship.

I'm not insinuating anything.

I'm outright telling you.

What do you want me to do?

Uh, wash a dish.

Run the vacuum cleaner.

Ask me how my day is going.

Chip in every once in a while
for expenses.

Look, I'll t... I'll tell you what.

In a month, when I finish
writing up this paper,

I'll do all those things and more.

But right now, why don't you take

all that frustration out on the dough

and make the bread for tomorrow?

Well... [Clears throat]

I would, but I just got dragged away

by a wild boar, and I'm dead.

So while you mourn me,

my Viking soul
is gonna be at McDonald's.

[Chuckles]

What am I doing? I can't wear this.

I'll look like an idiot.

Hey. Ready to go?

Yep. Just clocked out.

I got the tickets, I got
the cushions for the seats,

and a little surprise
we can all pass around.

Is it a football?

No, but it's as big as a football.

Sounds good.

Oh, your friends need a ride,

or are they meeting us there?

Um, they're gonna go on their own.

I just figured that we might want to

do something together after...

just the two of us.

If that's all right with you.

Can we maybe sit for a minute?

Sure.

Oh.

[Chuckles nervously]

Ah.

This is crazy, but I have to ask.

Becky and Jackie think that
you're interested in me

in more than a just sh**ting-
the-breeze kind of way.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Crazy, right?

No.

I mean, I can't believe
you didn't pick up on it.

Every time you walk in here,

I am staring at you like
you're a deep-dish pizza.

Let me help you figure it out.

We're both free, we like each other,

I've had a crush on you since I was ,

but Roseanne already
had her brand on you.

Well, she didn't actually brand me.

But there are some bruises
that'll never go away.

Um, look, I'm just not ready for this.

Oh.

Anything I can do to change your mind?

I'm afraid not.

I still have a thing for my wife.

Look, Louise.

I really enjoy your company,

and I hope it's not gonna be weird

now that we're just friends.

Well...

the free beers are over.

I was... I was really hoping

that I could get
a little action for that.

We still going to the concert?

Of course.

But if I have a chance to score
with a Dog Night or a Pip,

you better get out of my way.

- Deal.
- Deal.

♪ Why don't you love me like
you used to do? ♪

How'd you know I was here?

[Sighs] I know you like to
play pool when you're upset,

and, um, we need to talk.

- [Balls clack]
- No, we don't.

You were pretty clear.

Well, [Scoffs] I was angry at Harris,

and I was angry at you.

I mean, you know that you
should've told me what happened.

I told her not to drink.

But no matter what I did,

it doesn't change what
you really think of me.

Okay, w... uh, you know, I said it.

I can't take it back, so, you know,

what do you want me to do?

When all this crap went down

about my drinking and the baby,

and you said you believed in me

and that I could get
through this, I thought,

"Maybe I'm not as messed up
as I think I am."

But then I heard what you said,

and now I know
that you were lying to me,

and that hurts.

No, I was not lying.

I do believe in you now.

But are you gonna
stand there and tell me

you haven't made some really
crappy choices in your life?

It's so easy for you to criticize now,

but where were you
when I was making them?

[Chuckling] What's that
supposed to mean?

When do you think
the heavy drinking started?

When Mark d*ed, I needed you.

I wrote to you and asked you to come.

Well, my life was falling apart, too.

My husband just left me
with a -year-old kid,

and I was pregnant.

My husband d*ed.

♪

Okay.

You win.

I did send you that care package

filled with crossword puzzles and candy.

[Sarcastically] Oh, yeah,
those crossword puzzles

really helped.

It was nice to get away from being sad

and feel stupid for a while.

Hey, you want to play a game?

Oh, don't waste your time.
She's pregnant.

And she's nasty.

I'm up for either.

Gross.

Pick up a damn cue
so no one comes over again.

And you go first because you suck.

I mean as a person,
not only as a pool player.

How come you didn't tell me
you were so mad

when it was all happening?

Because I didn't want you
to know how much I needed you.

Why?

Because you never need me.

I hate being the needy one.

When we were kids, I was the one
who had it all together,

and you were just
the depressed little freak.

Well, you should be in pig heaven now

because I'm a depressed adult freak

with just as many problems as you.

And...

you know, you think I don't need you?

Why do you think I came back
here in the first place?

Not just for Mom and Dad.

Really?

You can't do that. You're not .

[Chuckles] Oh, my God.

How many times did I let you

move the ball in miniature golf?

There is no way to miss that sh*t.

You should get a brain scan immediately.

So...

where do we go from here?

Besides making jokes about brain tumors

when somebody misses
a very difficult sh*t.

We make a pact to always
be there for each other.

[Balls clack, pocket thuds]

Oh, pact seems a little binding.

[Sighs] How about a... loose agreement?

Fine.

But just for the record,
you needed me first.

When Mom and Dad brought you
home from the hospital,

I remember seeing
your sweet, little face

and knowing that you really
needed me to protect you.

Wait. Mom told me you tried
to k*ll me when I was a baby.

Yeah, but something stopped me.

I think it was Dad.

[Muffled] You know,
you really got to learn

how to read the signals that
a woman is sending you.

Like, if a woman does this...

Huh? What does that mean?

You want me to check you for ticks.

No!

She's drawing attention to her neck.

You got to know these things.

Say you're sitting at a bar,

and a woman eats a chip like this.

She's not interested.

Now, if she eats a chip like this...

That means you're gonna
be really unhappy

when you hear that Mary
brought those chips back in

from the chicken coop.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God!