01x10 - Don't sh**t the Piano Teacher

[bunniefuu]

Well, when I'm old,
I'll always have these

silent lunches to look back on.

So, before I go over and
help Aunt Jackie and Becky

with the baby shower, um...

I'll just do that.

I wanted to tell you guys that, um,

I've been seeing someone.

Yeah, we already figured that out

because of all the recent
neglect and everything.

Oh, yeah, that's my bad.

I've always tried to maintain
a steady level of neglect.

But I haven't brought
anybody home until now

because I didn't want you to meet anyone

unless it was serious.

Oh, so there were other guys

that you weren't serious about

that you were sleeping
with and we didn't know?

No, besides Ben,

I am proud to say that I
haven't slept with anyone

except your dad and one other man.

What about Neil?

Oh, and one more, yeah.

Um... wait, how did you know about Neil?

He's called a couple
times on the landline

crying about how you broke up with him.

I told him you were nothing
special and he should move on.

Oh. Hurtful, but helpful.

Um, so Ben is coming to
dinner tomorrow night,

and I just want you guys to be cool.

Ben will never be my daddy. Never.

Is all the sex worth this?

[LAUGHS]

- Psych!
- Ha!

Nice.

Uh... there's enough money for
one of you to go to college.

Fight it out.

It's about time you came over.

Jackie wants a DJ for the baby shower,

and I think I should have a live band.

What do you think?

I think my baby shower

was a cake and a card that
said "Get Well Soon,"

so quit your bitchin'.

All right, moving on. We
got to hurry up here.

It's only a week till the shower.

What's the big hurry? She's
not even showing yet.

I got to get the loot now.

This is a geriatric pregnancy.

If I even walk fast, I
could knock it loose.

It's not a tooth.

It doesn't come out if
you bite into an apple.

Hola, Emilio. Can I get a water?

And I'll have an horchata with rum.

Un agua y un "Cuban m*ssile Crisis."

Te escuché hablar sobre el baby shower.

No, no, English, Emilio.

We've been working hard. Let's hear it.

I'm sorry, Professor Jackie.

I would like to go to my baby shower,

but I think Becky is
not wanting me there.

Oh, well, that's 'cause she doesn't know

what a good man you are. You just come

and bring a nice gift.

Something that says, "Lighten
up. Half that baby's mine."

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Blue.

I love this hair.

What the hell is Blue doing here?

That's Blue? She's attractive.

I guess David doesn't have a type.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey, Blue.

Um, this is my sister
Becky and my aunt Jackie.

Uh, what you doing here?

Well, I heard about
your sister's shower,

and I just wanted to say

that I'm part of a women's
blessing-way group

where we perform ceremonies
that pamper mothers-to-be.

And we would love to come.

Oh, darn, too late.

We already locked down the theme,

which is teddy bears and teacups.

And the shower color
is SpongeBob yellow.

So there's nothing left to do.

Yeah, a-and it's just gonna be
Becky's friends and family.

Very small group. People
who have been invited.

You understand.

Hold on. Do these people bring gifts?

- Of course.
- Store-bought gifts?

Or just a rock with the
word "Peace" painted on it?

Store-bought, with gift receipts
so you can get the cash.

Move over, Darlene.

Move!

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Ben is nothing short of a visionary.

I mean, publishing an indie tabloid

like Lock 'Em Up in King County,

a financially long-suffering community

that loves to see others fail?

Please.

What I like to see is some
hot-sh*t from the mayor's office

get caught doing something
sketchy in the park.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Back when I was on the
force, I'd be the bait.

Um...

But my... my biggest
collar was Kit & Kat...

... Lanford's legendary
married real-estate team.

They'd do anything to sell you a house.

They'd also do anything
to get some strange

to spice up their sick marriage.

Aunt Jackie, they're kids.

I left out that they
were m*rder*d in prison.

Um, I got to go meet Peter,

but it was very nice meeting you, Ben.

Yes.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- You got a crazy aunt in your family?

[CHUCKLES] Well, I was
gonna say, "Yeah."

But now that I saw that, I'm
just gonna call her my aunt.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, just so you know, we're not
always this fun and exciting.

Kids, tell him about your day.

Well, my music teacher said
that I have perfect pitch

and, if I learn to play an instrument,

she'll put me in the school
orchestra next year.

Oh.

Can I learn piano?

Piano lessons cost a lot of money.

But hey, nobody's using that harmonica

- we found on the bus.
- [TAB POPS]

On the bus?

I thought it tasted like tobacco.

Well, Ben, don't you play piano?

I do, and I have a portable keyboard.

I'd be happy to come
over and teach Mark.

No charge, but you got to be willing

to work hard and practice.

Absolutely. Is it okay with you, Mom?

Sure. I mean, normally,

I'd be uncomfortable with
somebody doing this for free,

but my boss doesn't pay
me squat, so thank you.

[LAUGHS]

♪

So? What did you think of Ben?

He's got a great job,

a sense of humor, one hell of a beard,

and the kids seem to like him.

But I guess you'll know more
after the piano lesson, huh?

What are you talking about?

I think an opportunity to test him

fell right in your lap
and you're taking it.

No, I'm just gonna watch
how Ben and Mark interact,

and then act accordingly
based on the result.

So if you want to call
that a test, well, okay,

'cause that's exactly what it is.

I-I know you want to see what
kind of a stepdad he might be,

but why don't you just tell him that

instead of treating him like a lab rat?

Because then he'll just
treat the kids nicely.

Nobody wants that.

♪

This isn't a real baby shower.

We should be microwaving
candy bars into diapers

so people can sniff 'em
and guess what's inside.

I've had enough of this. Okay, ladies,

it is time to play a super-fun,

more-traditional
baby-shower game called...

"Tinkle in the Pot"!

We'll get it going like
this. Here's my nickel.

And we got to get to the pot.

- How much fun is that?
- [APPLAUSE]

Who's next?

Or we could empower Becky

by sharing beautiful birth experiences.

Darlene?

Oh. Sure.

Um... well, they knocked me out,

and I woke up with a
kid and a -inch scar.

And then, the crazy thing is,
five years later I did it again.

You're lucky, Darlene.

Some women never get to experience

the gift of having a child,

because they have partners
who already have kids

and refuse [VOICE BREAKING]
to consider having more.

Sorry. [SNIFFLES]

[WHIMPERS]

That's strange.

I thought it was gonna be really
noisy when I took these off.

[BLUE SNIFFLES, SIGHS]

You okay?

David doesn't want to
have any more children.

And I'm pretty sure it's because

he thinks you'll be mad if he
raises another family with me.

Can you just tell him
you're okay with it?

[SCOFFS] Wait, you want me to tell David

to have another set of kids
that'll take more attention

away from my kids?

That would be great, thank you.

You know there's no way
I'm gonna do that.

I took the bus here.

Can you give me a ride home?

Uh, buses don't go both ways?

All right.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Geena, you're up.

No, let me think.

Do I really want to humiliate myself

for the chance to win
a Bath & Body Works

country-apple shower gel?

- Hell yeah, I will.
- [LAUGHS]

Hey, everybody, the strippers are here!

[CHEERING]

JACKIE: Hey, it's Emilio.

I hope you don't mind, but he
just really wanted to be here.

- I made this for the baby.
- [GASPS]

My papá made me one just like this

when I was little, with wood
from a very, very old tree.

Uh, this wood comes from Lowe's.

Lowe's. That's good wood.

Thank you, Emilio. I appreciate it.

So... I guess I'll see
you at work tomorrow.

Oh. Uh... okay.

E-Enjoy your party.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I can't believe you just did that.

I can't believe you invited him.

You knew I didn't want him involved.

Uh, well, I'm sorry, but he's the father

and he's a great guy.

Wait a minute. That's the baby's father?

We are not talking about this, Dad.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Thanks a lot.

Mm.

Hey, I've seen him in here before.

- He's the busboy, right?
- Yeah.

What do you know about him?

Well, I know that he's hardworking,

he's a devout Catholic,

and he's offered to give Becky
what little money that he has.

Is he here illegally?

Well, who cares if he's illegal?

Who cares if he's a busboy?

A lot of people with
difficult beginnings

have risen above their
station in life, Dan.

I mean, nobody in our family,

but I've read about it, and
it's pretty inspirational

when it happens!

All right, come on. Let's
hear your D-major scale.

[PLAYS CHOPPY SCALE]

Uh, did you practice that at all?

A little, but I got bored.
I wanted to learn a song.

Come on, Mark. Now, this
is two weeks in a row

I have asked you to learn your scales.

If I wanted you to do songs,
I would have said do songs.

Now let me hear the scale again.

Okay, I think I can do better.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[PLAYS CHOPPY SCALE]

Mm-hmm. Not better.

Okay, but can you do this?

[PLAYS "THE KNUCKLE SONG"]

Stop.

Look, when I said I'd do this,

you promised you'd work
hard and practice,

and you haven't done either.

Now, you said you wanted to
be in the school orchestra.

- Well, do you or don't you?
- I do.

Well, I can't tell.

So if you are really serious about this,

start acting like it, because
if you don't take it serious,

you're never gonna make it.

[HORN HONKS]

[VOICE BREAKING] Enrique's mom is early.

- I have to go to soccer practice.
- [SIGHS]

Do you want me to tell her I'm sick?

No, go to practice.

Today was a waste of
time for both of us.

[SNIFFLES]

You okay, honey?

You have everything you
need for soccer practice?

I'm fine. I got to go.

Ugh.

W-What were you doing?

You were way too hard on him.

Wait. [IMITATES BLADES WHIRRING]

Do I hear the faint whir of a
helicopter circling your child?

I am not being overprotective.
You made my son cry.

I am sorry that he cried,

but he needed to hear
that he screwed up.

How else does a kid learn?

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, encouragement, positive role models.

Cash, if you're tired.

Mark's a sensitive kid.

- He responds better to being rewarded.
- [SIGHS]

Yeah, well, the problem
with rewarding everything

is it's the same as rewarding nothing.

You want me to give him a trophy

for playing "The Knuckle Song"?

Uh, no, but I didn't expect
you to be the "Whiplash" guy.

Look, coddling Mark

is not gonna prepare him
for the real world.

I think I'm preparing him just fine.

How? By teaching him that
he can half-ass things

and still succeed in life?

Hey, Mark is not a
half-asser! That's Harris!

And you know what? You're fired.

[SCOFFS]

It's gonna take me minutes
to break all this stuff down.

It might be a little
awkward unless you help.

That's another way to go.

Emilio, right?

Yes. And you're Becky's papá.

Uh, she does not want me
in the life of the baby

and you are here to fight
me and drive me away.

I'm not here to fight.

Oh, good, good.

You have the face of a
kind but violent man.

Jackie tells me you want
to help with the baby.

Yes.

What kind of work can you do?

Oh, I-I can build cars, make furniture,

work in a factory.

Sadly, all those jobs went to Mexico.

You ever hang drywall?

Of course. Any estúpido
could hang drywall.

Well, that's about as good
as an interview gets.

How would you like a second
job hanging drywall for me?

- Really?
- Yes.

I... I accept.

Oh, and also, por favor, uh,

my speaking is not so good.

In Spanish, "estúpido" means
"a smart and respected man."

Look, I got to be honest with you.

I don't like the way you got here.

You broke the law

and you could be putting
me in a bad situation,

but I want to help my daughter,
so I have to help you.

I understand.

I expect you to give a good portion

out of your paycheck
to Becky and the baby.

Yes, yes, of course.

Okay. [MUTTERING]

Here's the address.

And I will see you tomorrow
morning at : a.m.

- I will be there.
- Okay.

Oh, and for the record,

if we were gonna fight, I'd
mop the floor with you.

[PIANO NOTES PLAYING]

Hey.

How was soccer practice?

Okay.

Listen, um...

I know what happened
with Ben this afternoon,

and I don't want you to worry.

I canceled the piano lessons.

- What? Why would you do that?
- Huh?

I had a "You're welcome" all
loaded up and ready to go.

I don't want to stop the lessons.

Call Ben and get him back.

But he made you cry.

No, he didn't.

I cried because I was mad at myself.

He's trying to help me
get into the orchestra

and I didn't practice my scales.

Yeah, but you taught yourself a song.

That's pretty great.

You think everything I do is great.

So when you say it, it
doesn't mean anything.

Oh, well, if you'll remember
that for Mother's Day,

I'd like to see that in glitter.

You got to call him back.

Um, how about you call him

and tell him you want
to continue the lessons

even though your mom was mostly right

and made a lot of intelligent points?

Do the hard work, Mom.

It's the only way you learn.

Uh, you say I'm never
critical? That was lame.

That's a lie. It was very insightful.

It was great, like everything you do.

Dan!

Oh, what now?

[LAUGHS] You big softy.

I know you're taking a
big risk with the union

by hiring Emilio, but I
just want to tell you

I think that you're the best!

When the microwave dings,

that's not only my popcorn
but the end of your time.

You might want to pick up the pace.

Okay. So, isn't Emilio wonderful?

Of course, I was the first
person to see that in him,

- but now, while you...
- [MICROWAVE DINGS]

And that's all the time
we have for today!

Tune in tomorrow when
Dan changes the locks.

What is wrong with you people?!

It's bad enough that Aunt Jackie
invited Emilio to the party.

Now you're giving him a job?

I gave him a job so he
could give you money,

and... I see your point
about Aunt Jackie.

I told both of you to stop doing this.

Why are you pushing him into my life?

Because you're being
stubborn and stupid.

I'm sorry. I'm a life coach.

You're being...

overly rooted and intelligent adjacent.

What is your problem?

You know what my problem is?

I've been doing fine.

So why should I start
depending on somebody

who might not be here when I need him?

Look, nobody knows the future.

He could get deported tomorrow.

He could be around for another years.

All I'm saying is, the guy is here now.

And he's the real deal. Take the help.

Of all the guys that have, you know,

frolicked in your garden...

... you accidentally met one

who's willing to stand by and
raise a flower with you.

- I'll think about it, okay?
- Thank you.

And by the way, from what Mom told me,

your garden didn't exactly
have a fence around it.

Oh!

♪

Um...

Mark wants more piano lessons from you.

I think that's all we
need to say about that.

Let's get to work.

[LAUGHING] Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, there is so much more to say.

I'm... I'm interested
in hearing how Mark

was able to communicate
his wishes to you

through his uncontrollable sobbing.

Um, okay, fine.

So he's tougher than I thought he was.

But you were way too mean.

Mark's great, and I think he could

really benefit from having
somebody in his life

that holds him a little bit
more accountable than you do.

Well, that's debatable.

But either way, when
push comes to shove,

I have the final say
because I'm his mother.

Well, unless you're wrong.

No, I'm pretty positive I'm the mother.

The point is, I passed your
little test, didn't I?

Oh, I guess that code
wasn't as hard to cr*ck

- as I thought it was.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, good. [CLEARS THROAT]

Because something big has come up.

I got an investor that
wants me to relocate

Lock 'Em Up to Chicago.

Oh, wow, that's like

- an hour from here.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, driving away from
Lanford sounds really good,

but the drive back's gonna
be pretty depressing.

Hmm.

You know, I've got a way you
could cut down on the commute.

You and the kids could move in with me.

Wait a second. Um...

I don't know if I heard you right.

Are you asking me to move in with you?

No, but it's a great idea.
What do you say?

I say that sounds amazing.

Yeah. I know it's a lot.

It's just that, even though
we work together all day,

it feels like I never have
enough time with you.

Yeah, I-I mean, I feel the same way.

I-I've just got to talk to my family

- and my kids.
- Yes.

Take your time, you know.

But not too much time because,

you know, at your age...

- Careful.
- All right.

Hang on. You didn't let me finish.

All I was gonna say is, at your age,

you don't have a lot of options.

Now, are you ready to move in?

I'm close. If you can just call me

"plain" and "sturdy," I think
that'll seal the deal.

♪

Look, I know I've been
a little hard on you,

and I'm sorry.

I get that you want to be
part of the baby's life,

so... maybe we can
start with tiny steps.

Yes. This is very wonderful news.

How about you give me
your top-four baby names?

Okay... if it's a girl,

Maria... Esmeralda...

Conchita... Esperanza.

Okay. I'll consider those.

No, that's just the first one.