02x01 - Preemies, Weed, and Infidelity

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Thanks for letting Bev play, guys.

I'm not sure who you're talking to.

We didn't want her.

I would have been fine at home,

but Jackie doesn't trust me there.

Mom! I went to check the mail,

and you pulled up half the
carpeting in my bedroom!

Some of these older apartments
have beautiful hardwood floors.

Don't blame me because yours didn't.

Check.

Y'know, you can roll
up a body in a carpet.

Just something to put in
your pocket for later.

You hit bad traffic again?

Getting home later and
later every night.

Yeah. I was stuck on
the Dan Ryan forever.

I know we built that
expressway to honor him,

but all anybody ever says is,

"I was stuck on the
stupid-ass Dan Ryan."

Did the kids get dinner?

For themselves.

They didn't make me anything.

Hey, Jackie, I think Harris lost

one of her good earrings in the couch.

Can you give me a hand looking for it?

I didn't even know Harris
had any good earrings.

She doesn't. Her ears are
constantly infected.

I-I just... I had to talk to somebody.

I'm going crazy.

Oh. Pretend we're looking
through the couch.

What's wrong?

[WHISPERING] I wasn't on the expressway.

I was at David's.

Well, why would you lie
to your dad about that?

You and David see each other all
the time 'cause of the kids.

Yeah, I know. But...

today, we were making out.

I can't tell my dad that I
was making out with my ex

while I'm also dating Ben.

You and David? When did this start?

The last couple of months.

We just started talking
about the relationship

to see if we could make it work again,

and then tonight, we stopped talking

because our tongues were
in each other's mouths.

But I thought you and
Ben were doing great.

We are.

But, you know, I still
have feelings for David,

and if there's a chance I can
put my family back together,

I have to try, right?

You have to give up Ben.

[SCOFFS] Why would I do that?

Ben and I are amazing together.

Oh! Oh. It's the classic
wanting of the cake

followed by the ever-present
eating of it, too.

How are... How are you even
having time for all this?

I-I don't. I-I'm like
this close to losing it.

When I'm supposed to be
with David, I'm with Ben.

When I'm supposed to be
with Ben, I'm with David.

When I'm supposed to be with the
kids, I'm with Ben or David.

You know...

[CLEARS THROAT]

... you are right on the verge

of having sex with both of them.

No. No way.

I cannot go any further with David

while I'm still seeing Ben.

I can't sleep with two guys.

I'm not that person.

Let me tell you, I've been that person,

and it can be a nightmare.

A fantastic nightmare.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, preggy.
- Hey, Beck.

- Hey, Becky.
- Hey, hey, li'l mama.

Wow, you're getting big.

Is that baby moving?

Not yet. But she's watching the papers

for a younger uterus in
a better neighborhood.

What's up?

Aunt Jackie asked me to come by

and go over a birth
plan she made for me.

I was expecting a page or two.

I got the Encyclopedia Insanica.

Aunt Jackie's looking for something

to give meaning to her life.

You just happened to be in the station

when the crazy train pulled in.

[CHUCKLES]

Tag. You're it.

[LAUGHS]

I'm cashing out.

No way! I've been losing
to her all night!

She wants to leave.

It's a win.

Did you read my birth plan?

I tried. It's just too much.

Can't we just go over this later?

I'm not due for two more months.

But everything in here is important.

Having soft lights and calming music

and putting the baby on your chest

so there's a surge of oxytocin
and she bonds to you.

I've got a whole chapter
on infant car seats.

I just don't know what
all the fuss is about.

In my day, we wrapped
the baby in a napkin

and took it home in our purse.

Mom!

You're confusing it with stealing
muffins from a restaurant.

Hey.

So, that's where all the glasses are.

Yesterday, I had to drink
milk out of a sh*t glass.

Sorry. I try not to come down here.

It's like a public bathroom at the mall.

You just want to get in and
out and not make eye contact.

Harris, you should be a part of this.

One day, you might have a baby.

You'll want to know this stuff.

Pass. I'm not having any kids.

And why not?

It's a different time, Nana.

You don't have to have a bunch of kids

to give your life meaning.

[LAUGHS]

Good luck getting a man
with that attitude.

[LAUGHS, COUGHS]

Oh, crap! I think I just peed myself.

It's not stopping.

- Becky, I think your water broke.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, really, Becky, it's much too soon!

You never disappoint!

Dan! Dan!

We're heading to the hospital!
Becky's water broke!

Damn. I'll drive. Let's go.

This isn't happening.
I have two more months.

Harris, we don't have time.

Clean that up, would ya?

[DOOR CLOSES]

This is why I don't come down.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

[WHIMPERING]

The contractions are getting closer!

Why aren't they taking me in?
We have to stop this.

Dad's getting a nurse.
As soon as he gets one,

they're gonna give you something
to stop the contractions.

And until then, we're gonna do
some visualization exercises

to stay calm. So,

uh... baby doesn't want to come out.

Baby's happy where it is.

The baby is moving like crazy.

- That isn't working.
- Okay,

well, then, we'll... we'll
just talk to the baby.

Uh, uh, sweetheart, hi.

It's your Aunt Jackie and Mommy.

And we just want you to
know there's no rush.

U-Uh, there's no money for college,

and, uh, your daddy's
been deported to Mexico,

and there's alcohol addiction
in your genetic background.

You're freaking the baby out.

RECEPTIONIST: Next.

Are you having chest
pains, a sudden rash,

or breathing issues?

All of those, but it's not for me.

My daughter's been sitting
there for minutes.

Her water broke, but the baby's
not due for two more months.

Have her fill this out.

We'll get to her as fast as we can.

No. You take her in,

and I'll fill out the forms
while she's in there.

I want somebody to see her now.

Forms first. Care second.

How about I wheel her back
there and you try and stop me?

Orderly?

Take the geriatric pregnancy
into a room, please.

"Geriatric"?

You are so lucky that I can't
get up and come over there,

'cause a baby would fall out of me.

♪ ♪

Hey.

You didn't have to come in.

You were at the hospital all night.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

- Mm.
- How's Becky?

Uh, they're still waiting to see

if the medication'll stop the
contractions completely.

My dad and Jackie are there.

Actually, I looked over some
stuff in the waiting room.

There is a typo in the proofs.

Mm, my work doesn't have typos.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh. Um, could you do me a huge favor

and run down to the coffee shop

and get me another cup
of coffee with agave?

And on the off chance

that Cup 'O Mud doesn't have agave,

is there another exotic
plant that you'll accept?

Uh, yes, I'll take black tar heroin.

[CHUCKLING] Got it.

[SOFTLY] Hey, David.

Uh, I'm at work. What's up?

Yeah, yeah. That would be really sweet.

I-I'll come by and pick you up,

and we can both go to
the hospital together.

Okay. Love you, too.

... Daddy.

I've never heard you call
your dad "Daddy" before.

Yeah, I'm feeling very
fragile right now.

- I need my daddy.
- Oh.

I, uh, just forgot the wallet.
I'll be right back.

Uh, you know what?

I-I don't need another cup.
I'm already vibrating.

All right. I gotta be honest.

[GRUNTS] I am worried about you.

You look exhausted.

Yeah, it's that stupid-ass Dan
Ryan. That's the problem.

Well, we both know what the solution is.

You move in with me.

You know those signs that
say "If you lived here,

you'd be home and having
sex with Ben by now"?

You'd be home and having
sex with Ben by now.

I love you, you know,

but I just really can't
think about this right now.

Okay. Tabled for another time.

At least let me just drive
you back to the hospital,

keep you company.

U-Uh, no. You know what?

That's so sweet,

but it's just too many
people at the hospital.

When you're expecting a preemie,
they give you a smaller room.

♪ ♪

How's Aunt Becky?

Oh, pretty much the same.

I'm just gonna grab some stuff for her

and run back to the hospital.

Okay. Want me to save
you some kale salad?

Listen, let me tell you about kale.

In the old days, you'd
go to the cafeteria,

and it was the green stuff

that kept the ice from
touching the cottage cheese.

It's all hype!

You don't go from garnish to superfood.

I feel so stupid. I fell for it.

- [LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Coming! Coming!

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Coming!

Hi. How can I help you?

I'm looking for Harris Healy's mother.

She's not home from work yet,
but I'm Harris' grandfather.

What can I do for you?

Your granddaughter goes
to school with my son,

and she sold him a homemade pot cookie.

Okay.

I can kind of believe she sold him pot,

but I do not believe she baked anything.

Believe it.

Kyle freaked out, and I was up all night

trying to reassure him that
time wasn't standing still.

Yeah, that stuff does get on top of you.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

We would never want that
to happen to any kid.

You tell her I had to
take him to urgent care.

I'm out bucks,

and I need it to pay
for my tattoo removal.

So, my new husband

can't handle looking at my ex's face

while he's behind me.

Uh... your first husband...

liked looking at his own face?

It was a red flag I ignored, okay?

I'm really sorry. I-I can't
help you with the money.

I don't have it.

All right, well, maybe
I'll just take something

worth bucks.

I'll come back when the mother's home.

- Hey.
- Are you Harris Healy's mother?

'Cause if you are, you owe me money.

Nope.

Well, tell her I'll be back.

I will. You have a blessed day!

What the hell was that all about?

You got a problem.
Your daughter's selling

pot cookies at school.

What?

How come when I get home,

it's never "Somebody got a scholarship"?

Where's Harris?

At the hospital.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

Damn.

- What's wrong?
- They couldn't stop the labor.

The baby's coming now.

[SIGHS]

All right, we gotta get going

before Bev wraps it in a napkin
and puts it in her purse.

♪ ♪

- [BREATHING SHARPLY]
- Okay, just one more push.

I can't!

You can. It's a preemie. It's small!

- One more push.
- [MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

- Oh, my God, she's here!
- [GROANING]

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- DOCTOR: Nurse.

Is she okay?

Why isn't she crying?

You did great. Just rest for a second.

Why aren't they putting her on my chest?

This is exactly what's
supposed to happen.

They're gonna take her to the NICU.

I wanna see her.

Just let them do their jobs. It's okay.

Does she look normal?

Yes! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[CRYING] Then why can't I see her?

Because she's very small.

She can't be seen by the naked eye.

This is all my fault.

I'm too old. I drank too much.

That's why she was born too early.

No, come on. Don't do that, Becky.

You know what... I-I did
everything right with Harris,

and she was a preemie.

And she turned out fine.

No, she didn't!

[SOBBING]

♪ ♪

The County ER always reminds me

of that scene in "Gone With the Wind"

with all the Confederate soldiers

laying on the ground, dying.

Frankly...

I didn't care for the cursing
at the end of that movie.

Okay. Baby's here.

[SIGHS] Are Becky and the baby okay?

Becky's fine. Uh, the baby
wasn't breathing on her own,

but they put her on a ventilator,
and now she's stable.

Thank God.

Can we go back there now?

Uh, Becky's pretty upset,

but she's got Jackie in there with her,

so it's gonna get worse.

Uh, you're not going anywhere.

What?

You're selling pot cookies at school?

Are... Are you stupid?

Are we really gonna do this right here?

Yes, we are.

Kyle's mom came by. She had
to take him to urgent care.

I told him "half a cookie."

[SCOFFS] This is not about
Kyle's inability to maintain.

This is about you selling dr*gs.

Oh, my God. They're gonna be selling pot

to everybody here in three months.

Nobody cares.

And it's not like I'm eating it.

Wh... Hey.

You cannot eat it, you can't sell it,

and you're underage.

And by the way, who are
you getting weed from?

It's everywhere. Everybody's selling it.

Honestly, it's kind of amazing
that I'm doing so well.

My hustle is putting it in
cookies and adding cardamom.

It's exotic and a little unexpected.

You're actually bragging about this?

Do you realize if Kyle's
mom had called the cops,

you'd be sitting in jail right now?

You know what... you're gonna give me

all the money you made from this,

I'm taking your phone away,

and you're not leaving the house
for the rest of the semester.

Oh, wow. I'm grounded.

Like you're gonna know if I'm even home.

- You're never around.
- [SCOFFS]

You really think it hurts me

pointing out that I'm not a good mother?

Like water off a duck's back, baby.

♪ ♪

Bev?

Yes, Dan?

It's been a long day,

so please don't take this the wrong way.

But why are you here?

Everybody's gotta be somewhere.

I've had a crappy day.

Becky was afraid to see the baby.

Now she wants to, so I gotta
go back to the hospital.

There's pie. I got enough for everybody.

God bless ya!

I was wondering where you were.

I'm only asking 'cause it's...

just been me and Bev here for hours.

Hours.

Did you know that when Jackie was born,

she caused my bladder
to drop into my vag*na?

You had to say that now, didn't you?

Oh, I'm not gonna let
you ruin this for me.

No offense, Dan,

but I don't like to watch you eat.

Ohh!

[GROANS]

You enjoying that pie, Dad?
Smells great, huh?

Yep.

Love the smell of apple pie.

So, you can smell apple
pie, but you can't smell

the smell of pot cookies
baking in your own house?

What?

H-How did you not know
what Harris was doing?

Whoa.

You're gonna blame your
kid selling dr*gs on me?

Yes, I am, because
you're here and I'm not.

- Whose fault is that?
- I'm working!

Are you? 'Cause you're
getting home at : .

I don't know if you're with
Ben or what you're doing,

but you're definitely not
coming straight home

from work every night.

Oh, so I'm not allowed
to have a personal life?

Because I remember when I was a kid,

you'd go straight from
work to the Lobo Lounge,

you'd have a beer, then you'd come home

and you'd say, "There's my girls!"

DJ would start crying,

and you'd go to the
garage to fix a bike.

Hey, I worked my ass off day and night

to support this family,

and I was always there when it counted.

You need to get your head in
the game and raise your kids.

I already raised mine.

Oh, did you, though? 'Cause
I'm pretty sure it's Mom

that raised us.

No.

If we're gonna be honest, the TV did.

How's she doing?

Hi. Uh...

Oh, every now and then,

when she's trying to
move her little arms,

she punches herself in
the head. [CHUCKLES]

She's definitely a Conner.

[LAUGHING] Oh, wow.

Another Conner in the world.

What we don't have in quality,
we make up in volume.

Darn right we do.

Grammy Becky's here to see her baby.

Are you ready?

I think so.

Oh, my God.

She's so tiny.

Look at all the tubes.

I know it looks scary, but
all those things in there

are helping her get stronger.

She's looking at me.

Yeah, of course she is. You're her mom.

I'm her mom.

Have you decided on a name yet?

You know, the name "Jacqueline"
means "May God protect."

We could call her Jackie Jr.
That'd be so cute, right?

Her name is Beverly Rose.

I wanted a connection with the family.

Becky, um...

I want you to know

that I will always love this baby.

But I consider it a personal att*ck

and a negation of my
entire childhood of pain

that you have named this precious angel

after the vessel of
evil that is my mother.

'Nuff said.

Come on, Deej.

Let's let these two get to
know each other better.

You need anything?

No. We're fine.

Love you, sis.

Thanks.

[CRYING] I'm so sorry.

♪ ♪

See? It's even better
when you wait for it.

I'm gonna go get the pizza.

[GASPS]

[WHISPERING] What?!

Was that naked man in your bed David?

[WHISPERING] Shh! Yes!

What are you doing here?

I needed a night away from Bev.

Well, this is great. You
finally made a decision.

You broke up with Ben.

Well, that sure would
have made things simpler.

Wait.

You're sleeping with both of them?

I thought you weren't
that kind of person.

Well, apparently I am.

I set a boundary, and I crossed it.

I'm so stupid. Why did I do that?

You gotta help me, Jackie.

Well, I... [SCOFFS]

If somebody took Ben off your hands,

would that help?

Stay away from him!

Okay!

Good night!

♪ ♪

A brand-new Conner.

Let's learn from the
mistakes of our past.

Oh, I agree.

You know what... let's raise
her to expect nothing,

so she's never disappointed.

Or we can tell her she can
be whatever she wants to be.

That's a mean joke to play on a baby.

Wait. What if we never
tell her she's a Conner,

but we'll raise her like Moses...

or Tarzan!

Oh, yeah. Like Tarzan.

But instead of holding on to a vine,

she can hold on to a job.

Quick... let's go tell Becky

before she fills out
the birth certificate.

This is for when you come home.

You no Tarzan. You Conner.

♪ ♪