04x02 - Education, Corruption, and Damnation

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mark, you nervous

about the first day at your new school?

I'm peeing my pants over mine.

You sure it's nerves?

I read that's what happens when
you have a baby in your forties.

You don't even have to have a baby.

Sometimes it happens to me when
I open a new jar of pickles.

No, you're gonna do great.

You got nothing to worry about.

HARRIS: Oh, I don't know about that.

He's going to a magnet school now.

He'll probably be the dumbest kid there.

No.

I am worried, though, about him
looking like the poorest.

I put generic chips
in this brand-name bag.

Make sure to wave it around at lunch.

And for God's sakes, bring the bag back.

I need it for work tomorrow.

Ah. [Smooches] Magnet school.

I am so proud of you.

First Conner to go to a school

that doesn't start with
the words "public" or "reform."

Here, here.

[Mugs clinking]

[Glass clanking]

Wow. It's my first day of school
after years.

Nice if I had that kind of support.

- [Jackie gasps]
- TOGETHER: Surprise!

Seriously?

Yeah. You overcame drinking,
a life of poor choices,

and you're starting college
at years old.

This little snot's just smart.

And from me...

- [Gasps]
- ...a unicorn backpack.

And there's plenty of room
in there for your calcium chews.

You don't want to break a bone
when you're clapping erasers.

I can't clap erasers.

[Hoarsely] It aggravates my consumption.

And we're starting a "Becky's
A Big Girl Now" chart...

- Oh-ho-ho-ho!
- ...to mark how much you grow

during the school year

and how many teeth you lose.

Although, in this family,
that's more about gum disease.

And unlike the rest of these jokers,

I really am proud of you.

Here. I got you a laptop.

Wow!

Yeah, I picked it up
at a police auction.

I was in a bidding w*r
for a drug dealer's Maserati,

but I crapped out at bucks.

BECKY: Thank you, guys.

I am pretty worried, though.

My first class is Statistics

and it's gonna be a big challenge

after not being in school for so long.

Well, I have a great statistics joke

you can use to impress your teacher.

- [Gasps]
- A statistician tried to cross a river

that was one meter deep on average.

He drowned. [Laughs]

Get it?

He didn't factor in the variability

in a median analysis.

- You don't see that coming!
- [Knock on door]

Uh, you know what else
you're not gonna see coming?

Friends, if you tell that joke.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, if you're selling chocolate bars,

I think you should know that in my book,

they're not really the world's finest.

Um, I just stopped by
'cause I found this box

of your stuff in my storage unit.

Oh.

Well, don't you want this?

It's from the day we put out
the first copy of Lock 'Em Up.

I made it for you.

Nah, you should have it.

It'll just end up in a drawer
at my place.

Uh, yeah, I've got a drawer too.

I'll just put it in there.

Bye.

Bye.

- [Door opens]
- Who was that?

Ben.

He's trying to get rid of
anything that reminds him of me.

I mean, this is k*lling me.

I know. It's brutal.

You'll get past it.

No, I don't feel like I will.

I actually said a prayer last night.

You did what?

I said a prayer.

To who? Satan?

No. I prayed to God.

- Why?
- You don't believe in God.

I need to believe in something
that can help me with this.

I've never felt so lost.

I can't do it on my own anymore.

I know what it feels like to be lost.

Come to my sobriety meeting tonight.

If you're looking for spirituality,

there's a speaker there
I know you'll love.

I don't like people.

Speaking on behalf of people,
we don't like you either.

But give it a sh*t.

Sad and lonely will always
be there for you.

I love those guys.
They're my longest relationship.

x - Education, Corruption,
and Damnation

♪

♪

♪

♪

I know Neville gave you a budget,

but I don't think he'll be happy

that you spent it all
on autographed footballs.

I didn't.

Well, then how'd you get a ball
signed by Walter Payton?

Well, just like this...

And it comes with a certificate
of authenticity

signed by, uh...
I don't know, Barack Obama.

Ladies.

Don Blansky.

How's the cemetery biz, Don?

Ah, only good and getting better.

The state is letting me stack now.

Well, one man's ceiling
is another man's rotting corpse.

You know we're not open, right?

Oh, yeah, I just wanted to drop by

and congratulate you guys for
turning this place into a bar.

Thanks. Just waiting for
the liquor license.

I sent in that paperwork
like four weeks ago.

You know, I was recently, uh,

elected to the Lanford city council.

I can help push that through.

Oh my God, thank you!

I take back everything I ever
said or thought about you.

Oh, no worries.

The point is,

when I do these kind of favors
for people,

they usually respond with,

"What can I do for you, Don Blansky?"

And what do you usually say?

Well, I usually say my cemetery
is a Lanford landmark

and badly in need of repairs.

Just because your loved ones are dead,

doesn't mean that our grass needs to be.

So I am accepting donations

for the Cemetery Beautification Fund.

I've got bucks
for a good cause like that.

$ doesn't even suck the bloated frog

out of the koi pond filter.

I was thinking more in the area of $ .

You're trying to extort me.

I'm trying to help you.

Not a dime! Get out!

Hey, look, I remember this guy.

He's an insecure little man.

Give me a minute.

You know, Don,

I was a freshman when you were
a senior at Lanford.

I always had a little crush on you.

You never even talked to me.

Well, I was intimidated by you.

I mean, you were Don Blansky,
Mister Corduroy.

How would you like a little
arm candy at the next reunion?

Nice try,

but I am four payments away
from buying a Russian bride.

But chin up.

You were something in your day
and still have those memories.

I'll tell you a memory I have.

You stinking up the school

with head-to-toe corduroy
after gym class.

Listen, all right,
without a liquor license,

there's no sports bar, okay?

So we all got to work together.

Now, you help me, I help you.

Out!

[Sighs]

I am never paying that guy,
no way in Hell...

or wherever he's going

for burying people
like a seven-layer bean dip.

If you take away one thing
from what I'm saying tonight,

it's that you can bounce back
from anything.

I hit my rock bottom
on Christmas Eve, .

My wife and kids had to bail me out

when I was arrested for drunk driving

with two naked women

free-basing in the back seat of my car.

And I did not help myself by arguing

that I couldn't be drunk driving

because I was in the back seat, too.

I felt bad for the women.

They had nowhere to go
on Christmas, so...

I invited them back to my house
to have dinner with my family.

When you're sober,

you can really see that that
might be a bit of a mistake.

You know who needs to hear this guy?

Ben. He makes me look like an angel.

I just can't believe the pastor
lets him talk like this

in the church basement.

Yeah, the pastor's okay with it.

How do you know?

He's the pastor.

My wife left me.

I was completely lost.

Then I found my way here,

and once I gave over control
to something bigger than me,

I stopped the lying and the cheating,

and some of the darkness
and cynicism in my life

began to lift.

Right now, I'm happy

and I have a real relationship

and I know I owe it all
to the grace of God

and a whole bunch
of court-ordered methadone.

Anyway, that's why I'm here...

to tell you you can have
real change in your life

if you want it bad enough.

[Applause]

Thanks for bringing me.
This guy's amazing.

So go talk to him.

Oh, no, no. I-I'm not ready yet.

Can we just go?

I-I feel like this guy's
been giving me the stink eye

since we got here.

Well, that's one of those paintings

where the eyes follow you everywhere.

I wouldn't take that personally.

- [Chuckles]
- Hey, Pastor Phil.

This is my sister, Darlene.

She's an atheist who wants to be
convinced there's a God.

Go.

I'd, uh, uh... Trees, animals,
smile on a baby's face.

Where do you think
that stuff came from, huh?

[Smacks lips] Mic drop.

[Both chuckle]

Okay, uh, Darwin, the Big Bang Theory,

and the ark was filled with only
animals from the Middle East.

All right, here's your mic back.

Okay.

Pbb-pbb.

Um, Darwin and the Big Bang

were created by intelligent design.

The "animals on the ark" thing...

is a bit of a problem.

Look, I really want to believe

because I need something to hang
onto, and... and I am trying.

But I'm a logical person.

So how do you convince somebody like me?

Well, you wouldn't be the first
logical person to turn to God.

Our mom raised us
to question everything.

And I was like that, too,

before I went to rehab

and accepted a higher power
into my life.

I'm doing a sermon tomorrow

about turning to God
when you need help the most.

Why don't you come to the service?

See if it makes sense to you.

If not, we go our separate ways,

you burn in Hell.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I-I don't think it's
for me, but thank you so much.

And I-I really like your sense of humor.

They could have used more guys
like you during the Inquisition.

[Chuckles]

"There's more dirt on Blansky

than the bodies in his graveyard."

Nice.

- Pretty good.
- [Chuckles]

But I think mine cuts a little deeper.

- [Chuckles]
- "Don Blansky

is blackmailing
my girlfriend's restaurant

and he won't give her a liquor license

and that's why we're protesting."

Boom! [Laughs]

Well, we're trying to destroy the guy,

not give him eye strain.

Well, I'm sorry, but destroying someone

doesn't come as naturally to me
as it does to you people.

It's 'cause you're a-a nice guy.

Which makes you...

useless to us.

No, you're not useless.

You're sweet.

And that's gonna come in handy
when I'm old and mean

and screaming at you
to help me get off the pot.

All I'm hearing
is that we have a future.

[Laughs]

Guess what happened to me.

I applied for a permit

to serve alcohol
at my wedding reception,

and I get a call from some guy
named Don Blansky

who says you're holding things up

and I should talk to you.

He wants me to bribe him.

Bribe him.

Oh, so you're saying
that drinking at your wedding

is more important than the rule of law?

Yes.

I've been pushed around
my whole life by my mother,

my controlling exes,
now this grave-digging punk.

This is where I draw the line,
and I'm drawing it in blood.

You're drawing it in Neville's blood.

Talk to her, Neville.

You dropped a bundle on The Lunch Box,

and if you don't get a liquor license,

you're gonna lose it.

Maybe, but I support Jackie %.

Well, thank you, Neville.

And I believe that there are
enough good people in this city

who will be outraged
at this abuse of power

and will bring it to an end.

You know who's gonna be outraged?

The guys at the wedding

who have to dance
with their wives sober.

[Simpering] "Yes, dear.

I think we should go out
dancing more often."

Aren't you supposed to be in class?

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Oh, yeah.

I was supposed to be hosting
a wellness seminar

on bringing a positive attitude to work,

but I thought, "meh."

Well, I bailed on Statistics.

I clicked on Zoom gallery view

and saw a bunch of -year-olds

wondering why a -year-old alcoholic

was in their class.

Oh, honey, did you find God?

I don't think I can buy
this whole religion thing.

I think Mom kind of cursed me
with her skepticism.

You don't know your mom
as well as you think you do.

This is your mom's.

Mom had a bible?

Where was this?

In the kitchen drawer.

That's why, for the last years,

we've been calling it
"the drawer with the bible."

I never saw her reading it.

Well, she didn't take it out a lot,

but sometimes life would get
to be a little too much,

and that's where she found her comfort.

Oh, so she believed in this
and it helped her?

I think she found
that it connected her with God.

She put your names in there
when you were born,

and then she'd write little prayers

asking him to watch over you.

There was a few times
she wanted to smack you with it,

but I said that's a mixed message.

Wow, so Mom had a bible.

Well, if she got something
out of this, maybe I can too.

You know, I think this showing
up out of nowhere is a sign.

It didn't show up out of nowhere.

It was in the bible drawer.

And God revealed the drawer to us.

No, I did.

I opened the bible drawer,
and guess what was in there?

A bible.

But who do you think
made you open the drawer?

I think we've all
just witnessed a miracle.

It's not a miracle!

It's a man opening a drawer with a bible

and finding a bible!

Lord, help these people.

[Organ plays]

Thanks for coming.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, I have Mom's bible,

and I haven't burst into flames yet,

so, so far, so good.

Hang in there.

Maybe you'll get lucky
and the Rapture will happen

and everyone will get
sucked up to Heaven

and you'll have the place to yourself.

You think you're going to Heaven?

You'll be in Hell with me.

Yeah, you're probably right.

But at least we'll be together.

We can do sh*ts off a demon's ass.

- [Chuckles]
- [Laughs]

You're welcome to join us, of course.

Welcome to the service, everyone,

and a special welcome to all
the newcomers joining us today.

You know... [clears throat]
someone recently said to me

that they were having trouble
finding faith.

They said, "I'm a logical person.

How do you convince someone like me?"

And I realized that logic

was not bringing this person comfort.

Let's turn to Isaiah : ,

where we read,

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

And I will strengthen you and help you."

I got to go.

- What's wrong?
- I just have to go.

- Jackie.
- Yeah?

Jackie-e-e-e!

- What?
- You know...

Come on, bring it in.

I know it went against
everything you believed in,

but I really appreciate
you paying Blansky off

so we could get a liquor permit.

Now we can have a wedding to remember

that no one can remember.

- I didn't do that.
- Oh, come on.

I know you hate to admit that
I was right, but I was right.

No. Dan, I'm telling you,
I didn't do that.

Neville.

Yeah?

Neville!

- What?
- I can't believe

you went behind my back
and paid off Blansky.

That is a huge violation.

I don't even want to hear your excuse.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

I'll make sure to give
a drunken toast at the wedding

to you and whoever you're dating
after Jackie.

Please don't break up with me.
I did not bribe him.

Of course you didn't, you idiot. I did.

What? You said you'd never give in.

What happened to never
being pushed around again?

Well, I was ready to go out
and protest today.

And then I looked at your dumb
run-on sentence picket sign

and the one that Harris wanted
you to carry that said,

"Blansky's got nothing in his pants-ky,"

and I thought,

"This guy is supporting me
unconditionally

even though he doesn't agree with me.

And it might cost him thousands."

And that's something somebody does

- when they love you.
- I do.

But I would've understood.

You're an amazing man.

And I want to be stacked on top
of you in Blansky's cemetery.

[Both chuckle]

[Door slams]

Where have you been?

[Voice breaking] I had to stop driving

because I was so angry.

I am never going back
to that church again.

Why did you run out?

Because Mom wrote this...

"Dear God, please take away

this pain from my knees and my back.

I can't bear it anymore..."

Here.

"I keep turning to the pills,

but this is me turning to you instead.

Please help me.

I have to keep working.

And if you could just do this one thing,

I will honor you forever."

[Voice breaking]
She sounds so desperate.

"And if you could give Dan
a game in bowling,

I'll stop stealing clothes
from the church donation box."

She knew that something bad was coming,

and she begged God for help
and he let her overdose.

How am I supposed to count on
a God that would do that?

That's not how God works.

It's not like you rub a lamp
and get a wish.

Your mom wouldn't want you to give up.

You'll find something
that works for you.

No, I'm not gonna give up.

I mean, I can't keep living this way.

[Sighs] I need answers.

You know, I just don't know
where to look.

Maybe something closer to your nature.

Uh, how about voodoo?

No.

I tried that on a bunch of boyfriends.

That doesn't work.

I stuck a pin
in Doug Jensen's doll junk.

He still had eight kids.

You'll find something
that'll work for you.

I know I will.

You're gonna go look right now?

Oh, no.

I'm gonna go back to that church
and clean out the donation bin,

'cause Mom would want it that way.

[Both chuckle]

I just don't want to come off
as uncool and dumb.

I feel that way too in
my new school, but it's online.

You can hide and just listen
and take notes.

You know, we'll log you in,
and we won't turn on your camera.

You're right.

I can just ease my way in.

Let's do this.

Becky's here!

Uh, hi.

I have a joke.

A statistician tried to cross a river

that was one meter deep on average.

And he drowned.

Ding-dong.