04x08 - Yard Sale, Phone Fail, And a College Betrayal

[bunniefuu]

We've got a lot more
broken ornaments than usual.

I guess you're gonna blame
my kid for that.

Uh, Becky, what does she
call these?

Baseballs?

Don't you worry.
I got us covered.

In the summer?
Fishing lures.

In December?
Christmas ornaments.

Guess what?

This year,
we don't have to dodge cars

or run onto the highway median
to cut down a tree.

I got us one already.
It's a beauty!

Becky,
come give me a hand.

Oh, no dodging cars,
huh?

I'm gonna miss
looking at our tree

and thinking how lucky we are
to be alive.

It's a beer can
Christmas tree.

Just when you think our trash
can't get any whiter.

One of the liquor distributors
at The Lunch Box

gave it to us
as a promotional item.

It was either this or

"Rudolph
the Rum-Nosed Reindeer".

Lights the way
with his nose,

but he shouldn't be
on the road.

Nice tree.

When most people
are worried

about Christmas becoming
too commercial,

the Conners are going
the other way.

Crap.
Did we have plans for today?

'Cause I can ditch these people
in a hot minute.

No, no. I-I just came by
to tell you

that I had a really great time
last night.

I also brought breakfast
for everybody.

For everybody? I assume you mean
it's not vegan.

Oh.

An in-person thank you
and breakfast?

Well, somebody
gave it up quick.

Uh, relax, you old horn dog.
Nobody gave anything up.

It was just a nice night
at the theater.

We've been going out
a couple weeks,

and I thought it was time
for it to be my turn to treat,

so I got us
a couple tickets

to Lanford High's production
of "Hamilton."

Ha!
What kind of cheap-ass places

did you take her to
to deserve that?

I-I loved it,
especially when a rubber band

sh*t off of Hamilton's braces
and into Aaron Burr's eye.

It really made the duel
about something.

I'm just
impressed

that Nick came all the way
over here to thank you.

Actually, I-I came over
'cause I don't have a cellphone.

Dropped it in the crapper,
huh?

Happens
to the best of us.

You just gotta glove up
and go fishing.

Uh, no.

Nick gave up his phone
a while ago.

He was a stockbroker,

and the phone
represented stress 24/7.

Yeah, phones suck
all of your energy.

They keep you from living
your life in the present.

I have no energy
and no life,

so it's really not a problem
for me.

So, Nick,
you don't have a phone.

That's really interesting.

How do people get
in touch with you?

They leave me messages
at the bookstore.

So, what, you're just
anti-technology?

No. Not at all.
I have an electric car.

Ha. In case
you haven't heard,

they got ones
that run on gas now.

I guess it's gonna be
up to us old-timers

to finish putting
that hole

in the ozone
by ourselves.

Well, it'll give you
something to do

until the melanoma
gets ya.

Anyway,
I gotta get going.

Uh, hey, why don't you,
uh, swing by

after you're done with
work and say hi?

- Sure.
- Hey,

how about she drives
all the way over there

and she can hand you
an emoji

that lets you know
how she's feeling?

So, Nick
doesn't have a phone.

How very convenient.

- Don't start.
- I'm not.

I'm just wondering
if he's really trying to avoid stress

or he just doesn't
want you to know where he is.

Sure, i-it's a little weird,
and... and, yeah,

maybe it's been
kind of inconvenient,

but when we're together,
he's totally present.

What if he's also present
with his other girlfriend

or girlfriends or wife?

Guy's got
an electric car.

Obviously, he's looking
for action.

I have no idea
what that means.

Dad, you're a good judge
of character.

You don't think anything's
going on, right?

I-I like the guy, but
he's not living in a commune.

He's got a job.
He's got a kid.

Emergencies come up.
I don't get it.

Okay, so I'm dating a guy
with a secret family,

but I'm getting to the age where
guys are gonna have baggage.

Darlene.

Okay, fine. I-It bugs me.
I-I'll talk to him.

Or you sit in your car
outside of his house,

one house down, but on the other
side of the street.

Leave your rain lights on, and
don't forget to bring a pee jar.

'Cause those motion-sensor
lights outside people's garages,

they will light you up

like Liza Minnelli
taking a leak on Broadway.

Captions by VITAC...
Sync corrections by srjanapala

Make sure you get everything
out of these drawers.

I don't want to accidentally
give away something of value

at the garage sale.

I found 11 cents
and a candy bar wrapper.

You want me to put this
in the safe?

I still don't get why
Louise is making you

get rid of
this bedroom set.

I mean, it's old,
but it looks fine to me.

I don't want to get rid of it,
either.

I'd rather just use Louise's
furniture and save this stuff,

but she wants new stuff
that's ours.

Hey, start off
making her happy.

Then you've got
someplace to go.

Sure.
The problem is,

I gotta pay for it
'cause she paid for the wedding.

I don't have the money,
so I gotta sell all this stuff,

and it's too bad 'cause...

they don't make furniture
like this anymore.

You mean by savaging
old-growth forests

and pouring the excess varnish
into our drinking water?

It was a different time,

and you don't remember
what water used to taste like anyway.

This was the first
new furniture

your mom and dad
ever bought.

Yeah, before this,
it was lawn chairs in the living room

and a phone company spool
for a table.

That's when we were
just starting out

and I wasn't the mogul
I am now.

But your mom saw a picture
of this set

in a Montgomery Ward's
catalogue.

Boy, did she
fall in love with it.

A catalogue?

It must've taken
a while

for the stagecoach
to deliver it

from Californee.

You know, this mattress is still
in pretty good shape.

Any of you guys
want it?

Rock, paper, scissors.

Loser gets
the mattress

we were conceived on
and Mom d*ed on.

Ew. I don't want
a humpy-ghosty mattress!

Well, we shouldn't
waste it.

Oh, I'll give it
to Neville.

He's treating a cow
with weeping shingles

that needs something soft
to lie on.

Harris, why are you
stealing food?

Well, Mom didn't pack me a lunch
when she kicked me out,

so I'm grabbing a meal.

I thought you were living
with your boyfriend now.

I was, but...

his kids have been getting into
some trouble recently,

so I'm giving them space
for a couple months.

Don't tell Mom.

What?
Where are you staying?

I'm staying on a friend's couch
right now.

Not really a-a friend,
a stranger

who rents their couch out
on Craigslist.

It's basically free.
I just have to call her "Grandma."

Harris!

It's safe. I'm fine.

Speaking of couches,
who's the rando on ours?

Oh, that's Isabella.

She had a baby
and dropped out of school.

She's one of the girls I'm
mentoring to help get their GED.

And they get fed, too?

Does one have to get knocked up
to get in on this action?

Well, it helps.

But if you really want
your application to stand out,

join a g*ng
or s*ab your pimp.

I brought you a soda
and a bologna sandwich

in case you're hungry.

You're not supposed to eat
lunch meat when you're nursing.

Well, that explains
my brother.

Thank you
for not bailing today.

I know you have a lot
on your plate,

but this is important,
too.

It's fine. I want my GED.
Let's just do this.

Did you do the reading?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Instead of going on
to the next chapter,

like
we usually do,

let's review this chapter

and make sure
you got it.

Okay?

Okay, so you read about
the Suffragette Movement.

It's pretty cool
when you think about it.

They empowered
me,

and now
I'm empowering you.

What did you think?

Well,
the stuff women were doing

back then
was mad empowering.

That's a nice summary
of what I just said.

Give me a specific.

What did you think
about, uh,

Marie Antoinette's
contribution

to the Nineteenth
Amendment?

It couldn't have happened
without her.

Okay, you missed by 150 years
and a continent.

You did this last week,
too.

You're a smart person,

and I can't help you
unless you do the reading.

I'm trying,
but it's hard.

I'm distracted
at home,

a-and I can't go to a library
and study

because of the baby,
which is ironic,

because I got pregnant
in a library.

People just kept going "shh."

Okay, I've got a big paper
I gotta finish by tomorrow,

but I want you
to succeed.

So, why don't you
go home,

and I'll come over
for a couple hours tonight

to watch the baby while
you go to the library?

That would be amazing.
Thank you.

You're the Marie Antoinette
of mentors.

Yeah, that's not
a good thing.

Oh, sorry, ma'am.
No public bathrooms.

Go to the park.

I got you a gift. I'm coming in,
you new-age freak.

Look, I know
you're doing inventory,

but I was really anxious
to give you this.

Wow.

Huh.

You got me a phone.

Well,
who should I call?

I'm gonna call you.
Hello, Darlene? It's Nick.

Yeah, why'd you get me something
I told you I don't want?

I know, I know,

but I-I customized this phone
just for you.

It's got
a meditation app,

and the case is a fat,
smiling Buddha.

Look how happy he is
to have a phone in his belly.

Yeah, and that's not offensive
to billions of people at all.

Look,
let's be honest here.

Is that a gift for me,
or is that a gift for you?

Both.

I mean, I like spending time
with you,

and when I'm not spending time
with you,

I like to be able
to tell you

how much I like spending time
with you.

Mm-hmm. I like to know what
you're doing and who you're with

and be able to geo-locate you
while I do it.

Is that so bad?

So, okay, now we're at
the core issue.

Have I done anything to make you
so suspicious of me?

No, uh, I just
don't want to be a fool.

Okay, well, if the only way
you can trust me

is by being able
to track me 24/7,

we don't have the foundation
for a good relationship.

Well, I don't want to be
this kind of person.

It's just now
that it's in my head,

I can't stop worrying
about it.

Well, maybe that's something
you should think about.

And if you're on your phone
all the time

trying to find me
on my friends' Instas,

that makes it even worse.

Right, but I'm not gonna get rid
of my phone.

I don't think you could.

Oh, I could.

I left it on the roof of my car
one time

and drove without it
for 20 minutes.

I was fine.

I bet you couldn't do
a day.

I could totally
do a day.

Then do it.

And use that time to think about
why you don't trust me.

Fine. Just to prove
I'm gonna do it...

Okay. Uh-huh.
...I'm gonna give you the phone.

Just let me delete
a few texts here to Becky

that may or may not
be about you.

And set my super-secret code,

and set my exploding dye app
in case anyone tries to get in.

And here you go.

Sorry I'm late.

I just got Kayley
to sleep.

Where have you been?

It's 2:00 AM.

The library closed
four hours ago.

I was this close
to calling the cops.

Okay, I was totally
gonna go to the library,

but then I got invited
to a concert,

and I haven't been to a concert
in forever.

But this time, I had a babysitter,
so I had to go.

You know
what it's like.

I'm sure you went to go see
The Beatles or something.

I am not Beatles old.
I'm not even Aerosmith old.

You took advantage
of me.

Why are you so freaked out?
It was one night.

Because I gave up a night
with my kid to watch yours,

and I didn't
get my paper done

because your baby
was crying all night.

By the way,
she shrieks like a bus

that needs brakes driven
by a tea kettle!

Why are you
so high and mighty?

You dropped out of school
when you were my age, too.

Yeah, and I would have k*lled
to have someone who cared enough

to help me
get back on track.

What? You're supposed to be
my role model?

A 46-year-old loser
living in her dad's basement?

Sorry
to waste your time.

If you're thinking you
can make a phone

out of parts
of a toaster,

"Gilligan's Island" taught me...
you need a coconut.

I'm just doing
what Nick said...

spending some time
without my phone,

thinking about why I've got
a perfectly great guy

and I don't trust him.

Yeah, he's a sweet guy.
Why don't you trust him?

You started this.
You told me

he was hiding
extra wives

and girlfriends
all over town.

I say a lot of things.

This is clearly
about your filter.

And you're dodging
the question.

What are you doing
with the toaster?

Well, I started digging in
to why I distrust him,

and it made me
really anxious,

so the next logical move
was to take apart a toaster.

Coming through.
Watch your back.

Dad, tell them how much
you're asking for the dresser.

500 bucks.

What?! The only way that
dresser's worth 500 bucks

is if there's a bag of cocaine
taped under one of the drawers.

Yeah, and the drawer's
in a better dresser.

New furniture's
gonna be expensive.

I need to get top dollar
for this stuff.

So, you're taking apart
a toaster

because you felt anxious.

Why does thinking of Nick
cheating make you feel this way?

I don't know.
It doesn't make any sense.

And he's obviously
a good guy,

and I'm still afraid
he's gonna hurt me.

Mm-hmm.

The question is,
why don't I trust him?

I don't know.

Sometimes, when I think something bad
about somebody else,

it's usually because
I'm capable of the same thing.

I used to think everybody else
was crazy, but hello!

No, you're right.

I'm the reason
that I don't trust Nick.

I-I gotta go call him.

Doesn't have a phone.
What a jackass.

What the hell happened
to my toaster?

Oh, Darlene had to
work something out.

I can help you put it
back together again.

Hey, maybe you can get
a couple grand for it.

Okay, here comes
somebody else.

Now, just try and be reasonable
this time.

Listen to the offer
before you att*ck him.

I've had this furniture
most of my adult life.

It's like somebody offering you
100 bucks

for one of your kids.

Wait a minute.
Didn't you bet D.J.

in one of your card games
one time?

Yeah, but I knew
nobody wanted him.

Hello, sir.

You look like a person who knows
quality furniture on the street

when you see it.

Yeah, it looks like
a nice little set.

How long have you
had this stuff?

43 years.
A lot of good memories.

Plus, no veneers,
dovetail joints.

You'd be proud to
own a set like this.

Nice. I'll give you 50 bucks
for all of it.

Easy.

50 whole dollars.

Gee whiz, mister,
that's a lot of money...

for a kid
shoveling snow.

But I'm a grown man,

and I am
selling this dresser for $500.

You... You're kidding,
right?

No, sir, I am not.
$2,000 for the whole set.

Take it or leave it.
You're dreaming, man.

I'll go 100 bucks.
No more.

- Keep walking.
- Okay. No.

Hey! Hey! Hold on.
Dan, it's a yard sale.

Negotiating, huh?
That's all a part of it.

You're not that far apart.

He said $100,
you're at $2,000.

I'm not going
any higher.

I'm saving you the cost
of a salvage truck.

Okay, he's firm at $100, so,
Dan, your counteroffer is...?

Kiss my ass.

He's still firm
at $2,000.

Yard sale's over.

Well, I'm not
carrying this stuff back inside.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So, what'd you do with all
that time on your hands?

- I destroyed a toaster.
- Mm.

And then I started
thinking about

why all my relationships
went bad.

You know, not all guys are gonna
cheat on you, Darlene.

Yeah.

Um, I was actually the one
that cheated.

You cheated on someone?

Yeah.
And I lied.

And I think
I'm a pretty good person,

so if someone like me
can do crap like that,

I just figure anybody can,
even a nice guy like you.

Wow.

Some people spend years
in therapy

before they get to
that kind of revelation.

Yeah, well, I'm broke.
I gotta get there faster.

So, uh, the cheating
and the lying,

was that, like,
a one-off

or more like an
every-guy-you-get-involved-with

- kind of thing?
- Oh, no, just the last guy.

I sabotaged the rest of them
in all different ways.

You'll see.

I guess I'll take
the burner phone back.

No, no. No way.
No, no, no.

Now I know I need to
keep tabs on you.

Kidding. But, you know, maybe
I'll keep it so we can text.

Maybe I'll text you
during the day.

Whoa.
Stop smothering me.

You're gonna drive me
into the arms of another man.

But, actually,
i-it will be nice

to text my boyfriend
whenever I want to.

Crooked smile,
prayer hands emoji.

Am I your boyfriend?

Now I really wish
I was texting.

Blush-face, heart-eyes.

Oh, the queen has risen
from her chambers.

I'm not in the mood
for your crap!

I'm sorry.

I didn't get home from
Isabella's until 3:00,

and I still had to
finish my paper for school.

Wow. You're really committed
to helping those girls out.

- Good for you.
- Yeah, it was all for nothing.

She wasn't serious
about the program.

Well, you did your best.
Can't win 'em all.

I hate it.

I made a difference in the lives
of the other girls,

and Isabella was gonna be
my third success.

Is this about
helping people

or how many successes you can
notch on your bedpost?

No,
that makes it sound like

I'm saying that you're sleeping
with the girls.

I didn't intend that.

You're saying I'm making this
more about myself

than about the girls,

that maybe I see them as me
when I was younger

and I'm trying
to fix my mistakes?

But they're not me,
so I have to accept

that... I can only save the ones
who want to be saved.

Well, it wouldn't have meant
as much if I'd just told you.

You had to find it.

Wow, I helped Darlene earlier,
now I've straightened you out.

I'm on fire!

I smell smoke.
Am I on fire?!

No.

I-It's coming
from the backyard.

What the hell?

Some guy low-balled Dad on
the furniture and he snapped.

Please tell me you took
the guy's wallet and rings

before you threw him
in there?

This isn't a funeral pyre.
It's a celebration.

Alright. Then we'll talk
about the guy's life

and why
he was wonderful.

I didn't k*ll anybody.

Yet.

This is a lot more
than just a bedroom set.

When I first married
your mom,

her family said
I wouldn't amount to anything.

We did say that.

Yeah, you did.

In a lot of ways, I thought
they might be right.

I had to prove to myself
that they weren't,

so when your mom
wanted this set,

I worked my ass off
to get it for her...

Two jobs
and a year of layaway.

And when I finally
brought it home,

that's when I realized
I could step up

and do the things I needed to do
to be a husband and a father.

I get it.

As a husband and a father,

sometimes... I feel the need
to burn some things, too.

I get it, too.

Yeah, not in the spine-chilling
way that D.J. just described,

but that,
you know, sometimes,

you gotta honor a memory
like that with a ceremony.

I always thought the Vikings
did it best.

Set it on fire, send it to
the heavens.

And if it goes
the other way,

Mom gets her bedroom
set back.

Oh,
I like that thought.

There's something
about standing

around a fire
with your family

at Christmastime.

It is kind of magical.

I always thought
it'd be the house on fire

because of the wiring,
but... this is nice.

Hey, do you still have that
bedroom set I saw earlier?

I'll give you two grand for it
right now.

The items are no longer
available.

That's too bad.

They don't make vintage stuff
like that anymore.

Oh, man. I wish you'd been here
an hour ago.

You don't, by any chance,
need a mattress, do you?

I do.

I got one
I can let you have for $500.

And I guarantee,
it's totally vintage.

Come on. I just need
a ride down to the vet clinic.