02x04 - I Don't

[bunniefuu]

I don't think you've thought this through.

What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?

They're coming with me.

We're talking party plane.

All the way to Libya.

Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you!

You and Erin both.

Ah, you'd better take a hike.

Why?

My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita.

This isn't going to be pretty.

Gotcha. Later, huh?

That remains to be seen.

I can't believe it. Little Erin getting married.

She's not rushing into this, I hope.

Oh, no, no, of course not. Twenty-one is...

I'm not implying anything, for goodness sake, Rita.

I'm just... this is so exciting! Where?

That sounds lovely.

I presume Mom's footing the bill? No, no...

Your cousin Erin is getting married.

So I gathered.

You know there'll be hell to pay.

Well, I guess you all heard the wonderful news.

Little Erin is getting married.

At the Windsor Hills Resort in Leeville.

Whoa-ho! That'll set Rita back a pretty penny.

Not Rita. Mother.

Nothing but the best for her favorite daughter's darling offspring.

Windsor Hills.

They've got that legendary thirteenth hole!

Forget it, Jake. No golf. Wedding.

I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this.

On the contrary, sweetie: you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids.

I made sure of that.

Bridesmaids?

Can I dye my hair if the dress doesn't match?

What a hideous twist of fate. Me, a bridesmaid.

Aw, it won't be that bad, I mean, sure, you'll have to wear some frilly peach-color dress that makes you look like a circus freak, and you'll be pinched by incontinent old uncles who still think you're still six years old, and...

Here we are.

I'm sorry, we only do weddings, not funerals.

Believe me, I'd prefer a funeral.

Dearie, you don't have to get married if you don't want to... or do you?

I'm a bridesmaid in the Chambers-Danielson wedding.

Here it is.

Pity.

They're such lovely dresses.

Nature didn't see fit to give you much in the way of hips, did she, dearie?

I think I'm going to be ill.

Is that a problem for you?

Turn around, please.

Oh, Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day!

I will k*ll you, and bury your body in this dress.

Daria?

What are you doing here?

Isn't is obvious?

An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.

They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!

A bridal expo?

That's a good message to send to high school students.

It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities.

I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding...

What about you? Are you in a play or something?

Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy.

I didn't know she went crazy.

Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln sh*t himself.

Come on, Brittany.

Let's finish out fitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really d*ed.

You mean the b*llet didn't k*ll him?

Hold still.

I'm having a hard enough time with your body as it is.

Well, I think my humiliation is complete now.

It does match my hair!

I spoke too soon.

I don't know why you didn't let me bring my golf clubs.

Jake, we're here to see my family, not to have fun.

Who's escorting your sister to this, anyway?

Well, she dumped the sculptor, the skydiving instructor had that horrible accident, and I believe that Bruno is in some federal facility.

So I don't know...

That Rita sure knows how to pick 'em.

Redrum! Redrum!

This will cost your mother a fortune!

Well, what else should she spend her money on?

Something boring, like college funds for her other granddaughters?

I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages our girls have.

Advantages?

You got me.

You know, if the girls see us, we're going to die.

They said we'd make them feel self-conscious.

Are you kidding? They want us to come, bro.

That's why they told us not to.

They knew that if they invited us to a bridal expo, there's no way we'd go near the place.

Then why are we here?

Forbidden fruit, man. Forbidden fruit.

When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?

Sometimes.

Hey, fellas.

Just want you to know, we welcome same-sex partners.

What you do with the ring is your business.

This is an expensive vehicle. Be careful with it.

Yeah, right.

Helen!

Rita!

How are you, Jake?

Well, I'm not bad...

Oh, the girls look lovely.

But Daria, why didn't you get the same dress as the other bridesmaids?

I did.

I'm sorry about the rehearsal dinner, Rita.

I had meetings all yesterday afternoon, and by the time we got on the road...

Everyone, this is Paul, my beau.

Hello.

Paul Meyerson?

Jake? Jake and I were in Boy Scouts together.

You bring your clubs?

Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick 'em?

Oh, Daria...

Wow, who's that?

Aunt Amy?

I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.

Amy, how delightful.

I thought you weren't coming.

I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.

Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?

Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh?

Shows remarkable fortitude.

And Roger. How's the skydiving going?

Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.

Oh, sorry. Paul, how do you do?

Who's Roger?

He fell onto a cow.

And he was one of the lucky ones.

Girls.

Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it?

I like the way you think, Daria.

Now, Amy, I'm not sure where we're going to seat you...

I need a drink.

Why are you laughing?

Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.

Oh, it can't rain on Brian and Erin's wedding. It just can't!

That would be so awful. I couldn't stand it!

On the contrary. Rain is an ancient symbol of fertility.

Every couple should be so lucky.

Oh, don't you see?

A little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Brian and Erin's life.

It may rain out there, but in here the sun will be shinning We are now entering hell.

Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

You must be Erin's cousin.

I am. But Daria's, um, her cousin...

What?

Nevermind Actually, I'm in the witness protection program.

The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.

Oh. Well, how come you didn't get the same dress as the rest of us?

I did.

Anyway, it's too bad you guys missed the rehearsal dinner.

It was so fun.

Let me introduce you to your escorts.

Daria, Quinn, this is Garrett.

Garrett will be with Quinn.

Of course.

Quinn, you're just about the loveliest thing I ever saw.

Thanks.

Do you think you could get me some soda with just an eentsy-weentsy slice of lemon, please?

Daria, this is your escort, Luhrman.

Of course.

How do you do, Da-rye-a.

It's Daria, actually.

Sorry.

So, Luhrman. Is that your first name or your last name?

Does it matter?

Well, they seem to be hitting it off.

Oh, yeah.

She's rough, she's tough, she's lovely.

Our Sandi is in a silk and rawhide outfit by Harve's of Beverly Hills, proving that the happiest day of your life doesn't have to be dull.

Stick 'em up, hombres.

Here's lovely Brittany in a sleeky and satiny number from Laburb that says, this may be my wedding day but, dammit, I wanna dance!

Wake up! It's Brittany!

What? Huh? Oh, man!

I think you're blowing our cover.

Kevin, what are you doing here?

Surprise, babe!

And as we share the joy of this lovely young couple, Brian and Erin, we are compelled to ask, what is love?

Yes, love, like a tiny rivulet which begins in a high mountain, and only after twisting and turning for thousands of miles, overcoming uncountable obstacles, must eventually meet, and merge, with that great ocean of love which is its birthright and its destiny.

It was her.

Babe, I said I was sorry.

What if there had been someone there from a major talent agency?

What then?

Well, I guess they would've seen that you're talented.

Oh, that's what you guess, is it?

More like they would guess I'm dating the king of the jerks, and they'd be right!

Wow! Look at all these flowers.

Are these for sale or just display?

So they said, "Why don't we just make you VP and have you take over the whole damn operation?"

And here I was, 29 years old.

Yeah, you mentioned. So, how'd you meet Rita?

Well, you know, we both love the sea. I have a sailboat.

And she's a little dingy!

I'm kidding, of course.

Well, let's face it.

Rita's a little flighty, but she's a tiger in the bed.

Keep going Yeah, well, I guess it runs in the family.

What did you say?

Just a little pointless chit chat. Forget it.

Would you like another soda?

No, uh...

Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner?

Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest, and not as an incitement to any type of self-destructive behavior.

You're not from around here, are you?

Daria, there you are!

I can't believe I didn't get to see you before the wedding!

It was a lovely ceremony.

Oh, but you haven't met Brian. Isn't he marvelous?

He works for the government. Intelligence.

Erin!

I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say anything, but isn't it exciting?

If our national security is compromised, you can bet there's a woman at the bottom of it.

Oh, you.

Oh, God.

Hey, Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else?

I am. I think I'll go to the...

The little girl's room?

Yeah, the little girl's room.

I'm going to powder my nose and check the seams on my nylons.

I'm sorry, what did you say you do?

I thought I heard intelligence, but that can't be right.

A wild, rolling, surging ocean of love, on which we, as mere individuals, have no control.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

I'm not sure.

Hi, Quinn. Hi, Father.

Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest.

The important thing is, you're the voice of morality in the community.

I hate myself in a formal dress, and everyone else, too.

You don't look too thrilled about things, either.

Oh, no. I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event.

Day to day life isn't humiliating enough.

Let's see, you're in college now, or something.

Still high school, unfortunately.

I have some vague memories of high school, but these days, you all carry weapons, right?

Well, not to formal occasions like this.

That's where you kids make your mistake.

I mean...

Love thy neighbors, love thy brother, love thy parents.

Every time you turn a page, love, love, love.

I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place with these family things.

You feel out of place?

You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar?

Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that.

I mean, you're kind of...

Cool?

I know, you can't say that to me.

Law of the teenagers.

Thank you for respecting it.

When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary.

Then, one day, I found myself all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S. Ever.

So it actually worked out pretty well.

Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah.

Sarcasm.

It's a great way to deal.

But, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Hey, what's the matter?

This whole thing is starting to get to me.

I mean, Daria had a point.

Why should high school kids be thinking about marriage?

If I see one more sweet, dopey girl stuck with a lame-brain idiot...

Hi!

Not even the pep squad?

Not even the pep squad.

I'll be honest with you, Daphne: I just can't find the time.

How come?

Well, first of all, there's my work.

What do you do?

I'm an exotic dancer.

You know, at a club.

I take my clothes off and dance for strange men.

Really? Wow.

She's really very good.

You've seen her?

I'd better go check on Quinn.

I can't imagine what's keeping her.

Oh, it was a lovely ceremony, though, wasn't it?

It really was, Rita.

I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here.

Don't worry, she'll get to live it all vicariously when the bills arrive.

Jake, how about getting me another glass of wine?

Gee honey, maybe you shouldn't...

Jake, I'd really like an other glass of wine, now.

Right.

Helen, you're not bitter about this.

Rita, please. Why would I be bitter?

You and Erin deserve the best. You always have.

Oh, no I should be punished forever because I made a few bad decisions?

Hi. What are you two arguing about now?

Arguing? We're not arguing.

Still mad because Dad gave Rita that MG and all you got was a Plymouth Valiant?

My goodness, Amy, the things you remember.

It was a Dodge Dart.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Quinn, is, I may be a man of the cloth, but I'm also a man.

Quinn, there you are. Father...

Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest.

We've all been wondering where you were.

Really?

Well, I know I have.

I've just been explaining to Quinn how emotions can be very confusing for young people like yourselves.

With all due respect, Father, I wonder if maybe you're not the one with the confusing emotions.

I'm not sure I take your meaning.

Oh, I think you do.

Oh, no.

So, it turns out that you could go through training and be up there working on the space station in under three months.

Now I'm just waiting for my Tang.

Wow. Is that true?

No, it's not true. I just made it up.

Also, I'm not an exotic dancer, I don't know Seal, and I wasn't abducted by the undersea fish people.

We decided we'd better not talk to you anymore.

What?

It's not that we don't like you. It's just...

You have problems.

Well, duh.

Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back.

No, my little party's just beginning. Waiter!

Here, I'll get you some coffee and wedding cake.

Oh, Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up right in front of her.

Helen, um, you're being kind of loud.

Oh, no! We don't want a scene, do we?

We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely Mother spent so much lovely money on, do we.

Is everything okay here?

Well, you were right about one thing: she sure knows how to pick 'em!

Keep it down!

Wanna make me?

What's going on? Helen?

Oh, you know perfectly well what's going on, Mother.

Your pathetic boyfriend is making a scene!

What do you mean pathetic?

Look in the mirror, pal!

I just want to say one thing, Rita.

You may be the pretty one, you may be the one Mom loves, but I worked my damn butt off!

Aunt Helen! Please!

What's going on? No cat fights, ladies!

Shut the hell up, you prehistoric imbecile!

Things are getting ugly.

I suggest we make a hasty but unobtrusive exit.

Really?

Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. Really?

Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries.

You eat, I'll watch.

I'm, uh, taking off.

Oh, sure, leave me to the dogs.

You can come if you want.

No, I prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold.

It's been fun, though.

Oh, all right, I'll eat, too.

Follow me. Don't look to the right or left.

There's nothing you can do for these people now.

This place oughta do.

Aunt Amy?

Just Amy.

Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase?

Just a phase.

I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now.

Coast is clear!

One three-time hubby is not enough for this red hot mammal.

The polygamous hippopotamus, when Sick, Sad World returns.

I'm not going back there. I don't care who sent you.

Does he look familiar to you?

I think I saw him on America's Least Wanted.

I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child.

Okay. What was she?

A tightly wound pain in the ass.

New topic?

Name it.

I don't...I don't know what happened.

One minute I had him, and then...

Everything's under control here, officers.

Why don't you two go have a cup of coffee or something, on me.

Don't worry, I'm no stranger to pain.

I love you, Helen!

I love you, too!

Sir, wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the daytime?

Perhaps with some partners?

Don't talk, son. You're shaking the light.