02x23 - Citizen Crane

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

I wish you girls

didn't have to drag me down
here on such short notice.

Oh, stop! Come on. Come on.

You look fine. You look fine.

Will you just...? There,
we had no choice.

Yeah, we had to get
someone to fill in for Big Henry

at the last minute on our
mixed doubles bowling team.

Those are awful big
bowling shoes to fill.

Surprise!

Surprise! Surprise!

Make a wish... make
a wish... Come on.

Oh, I wish I looked better.

That's a good one.

Oh, this is so
nice of all of you.

I haven't been to a
surprise party since 1946.

I walked in on my second
husband and his secretary.

Tell us,

Mrs. Babish, how old is
somebody that looks like you?

Shh! Don't you
know anything, jerk?!

You're not supposed to
ask a lady how old she is,

especially when
she's over the hill. Oh.

Boys, I haven't
even started climbing.

Uh, we've got some
entertainment for you.

Yeah, we worked up a special
number just for you, Mrs. B.

Right. In honor of you
getting old and everything...

You're gonna love it.

We got to go get ready,
though. We got little costumes...

Oh, the... Come on.

Be right back. Don't
go... We'll be right back.

Oh, Frank, it was
so sweet of you

just to close up the
whole place just for me.

Oh, don't mention it.

The truck didn't deliver.

We would've closed anyway.

Oh...

Do you believe the
gall of that woman?

She wants to tell me what to do.

Me, Charles Pfister Krane,

the most famous
impresario in Milwaukee.

Me, who made her the
brightest light off-Broadway.

Hey! Hey, didn't you
see no sign out there?

There's no bowling,
no pizza... nothing!

The place is closed.

We've got a private party here.

Oh, excuse me, innkeeper.

I, I meant to create
no disturbance,

but I require the use
of your telephone.

You see, the instrument in
my automobile is inoperative.

What'd he say?

He wants to use the phone.

Why didn't he say so?

Okay, go ahead.
But leave a dime.

Thank you. Lackey, the phone.

Dial.

Hey, Edna, I got you
a birthday present.

You did? Where is it?

You're sittin' on it.

Oh, it's a little plaque.

Yeah, read it. Read it.

Oh, it says "Edna
Babish sat here."

That's right.

Now you got your
own private chair.

You got a beautiful seat.

I made her... I'll break her.

I am the genius.

I can make anyone a star.

I can make the next
person I see a star.

Well, maybe I can't.

Come on over here.

Do it. Do it. Do it... Ready?

Yeah.

Uh, this is a song
that we all wrote

in honor of your
birthday, just for you.

Okay?

♪ Happy Birthday, Mrs. B ♪

♪ We hope you're feeling great ♪

♪ We think you're swell
'cause you don't yell ♪

♪ When the rent
is two weeks late ♪

♪ As landladies go,
you're the lady of the land ♪

♪ And a woman of
the world, to boot ♪

♪ You can't be b*at,
and you look so sweet ♪

♪ In your pretty
little birthday suit ♪

♪ So... ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, Mrs. B ♪

♪ You mean the world to us ♪

♪ You're still quite a
dish, and this we all wish ♪

♪ May you never
get hit by a bus. ♪

Happy Birthday.

My Name... Oh!

Is Charles Pfister Krane...

famed showman,
entrepreneur and star-maker.

Undoubtedly, you've heard of me.

No, I haven't. Have you?

Of course I've heard of him.

Don't you ever read
Backstage Milwaukee?

No.

This man has discovered
more talent than Ted Mack.

No! Yes.

And I wanted to say

that the performance I just
witnessed was absolutely marvelous.

Thank you, thank you...
Lenny and the Squigtones.

Always available for
your parties, weddings...

Baby showers. Yeah.

We'll even shower an
adult if there's money in it.

Anything... KRANE: No!

Not you. I couldn't
even make you human.

Now, these two lovely
ladies were absolutely riveting.

Oh, thanks.

We were riveting, Shirl.

I am going to mold you.

How does that make
you feel? Mold...

Like old bread.

Good.

You'll be my
greatest discoveries.

Lackey, my card.

Call me at my estate.

I can assure you,

it will be the most
important phone call...

of your life.

Mr. Krane is leaving now.

What was that all about?

Oh, he's just some kook.

Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.

Charles Pfister Krane
has a reputation.

So does my sister.

All right, come on.

Let's stop fooling around.

Come on. It's Edna's
birthday party here...

You know, Laverne...
I've been thinking.

Maybe we should change names.

Great.

You be Laverne DeFazio.
I'll be Shirley Feeney.

No, no, no, no, no,
that's not what I meant.

You know, our show
business names.

Shirl... Look!

Mr. Krane is
taking us to the top.

You want to be yourself
when we get there?

Come on, will you?

Look, our ship has come in,
and it's a great big ol' yacht.

Will you forget about that?
Things like that don't happen.

A stranger doesn't
walk in off the street

and decide to make
us stars just like that.

Ho, ho! But this is
no ordinary stranger.

This is Charles Pfister
Krane, the toast of Milwaukee.

I don't think you
know who this man is.

Apparently, I don't. I don't
think you understand at all.

Feeney and DeFazio?

I'm DeFazio. Gimme that.

Goodness, look at
this. Isn't this beautiful?

Oh, look at this!

Hard centers, soft centers...

no centers... Here.

A small tip, perhaps,
but well meant.

Who's it from? Who's it from?

Well...

"To my little lumps of clay.

"Let me mold you.

Love, Charles."

There you go...
In black and white.

This man means business.

Yeah, I never got a
ten-pound box of candy before.

I could get a chocolate hernia.

That's a thought.

What? Well, maybe
this guy is for real.

More candy... more
candy, more candy? Ooh!

Good day, ladies.

Lackey, hello.

Hi. I have a message
from Mr. Krane.

He expects you at his
home tomorrow at 10:00

to begin your lessons.

Lessons? I told you
he means business.

Oh, yes, when Mr. Krane decides

to make someone a star,
he spares no expense.

His limousine will pick
you up in the morning.

Until then... good
day. Good day.

A limousine. Private lessons!

It's happening! It's
really happening!

It's happening! It's happening!

Ladies, this is my drawing room.

Oh, you draw, too? That's nice.

Hey, did you do
that baby up there?

What is that? A
paint-by-number jobbie, huh?

No, my dear.

Rembrandt did not
paint by the numbers.

Don't touch that.

It must be over 50 years old.

Ohh... Why, la-di-da-di-da!

Will you look at this...?

Stop! Look at this.

Will you look at this?

Don't touch it!

I had it shipped over from
Scotland from the Hoover Castle.

Hoover? That's where
we got our vacuum.

Uh, we really appreciate
all you're doing for us,

but, uh... how come us?

Well, you girls know
how fond I am of you.

And what Charles Pfister
Krane loves, the world loves.

And do you want to know why?

Because I make
them. I take them.

I train them. I polish them.

I shine them. I
get rich off of them.

I create living works of art.

You girls will be more
loved than the Mona Lisa.

I don't think I want
to be no Mona Lisa.

Why not? She seemed
like a happy lady.

Oh, this is Rudy,
our choreographer.

He'll work with you.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

He's got a stick.

I'll arrange a preview
performance for next Sunday.

Nothing formal...
Just a few friends

here in the giant vastness
of my empty home.

Oh, yeah? Who's gonna perform?

Why, you are, my darling.

You know, I think this
star stuff is gonna be fun

even though we did have
to rehearse for six nights.

Hi, Rose.

Hiya, Shirl.

DeFazio.

Greenbaum.

Say, what's goin' on here?

The city repossess your clothes?

No, we're getting
fitted for future dresses.

Oh, you got lucky
on Queen for a Day?

What a wit.

It just so happens, Rose,

that a very
distinguished gentleman,

an entre... Manure... manure...

a patron of the arts,

happens to be
sponsoring our debut.

Debut as what?

Debut as singers.

Har-de-har-har.

How'd you like to laugh

with your lips in
Cleveland, huh?

No, no, you've got pins in you.

I got pins in me,
or else I'd get ya.

Besides, this is beneath
you now, my dear.

Oh, yeah. You are
now the protege

of Charles Pfister Krane.

Charles Pfister Krane, the
star-maker of the Midwest.

Why, that guy's made the greats.

All my friends at
the country club

talk about him all the time,
but nobody, nobody knows him.

Oh, please, DeFazio,

please introduce me, DeFazio.

I belong in show business.

An audition!

I could do a
couple of tap steps.

What do you say? What
do you say, DeFazio?

Oh, please, DeFazio,

please, it means so
much to me, DeFazio.

Uh, maybe you
ought to ask Shirl.

Oh, please,
Shirley, I'll cartwheel.

I could do a tours jete, I
could shuffle off to Buffalo.

Oh, please, Feeney, please?!

Rose, Rose, look at yourself.

Look at yourself.

Please, DeFazio,
please, DeFazio...

Oh, Rose, Rose, you're
slobbering all over my shoes.

Oh, let me rub it. It's
good for the plastic.

I'll get you new shoes.

Please, DeFazio,
for an old friend, huh?

Okay, okay.

Get up. Get up.

If you're around,
I'll introduce you.

Thank you, DeFazio.
You're an ace.

Feeney, Feeney...

you kids'll never regret this.

So, where do I wait?

In the street. Fine.

Perfect.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, kids.

Well, I guess I'll go park
it by the curb, so to speak.

See you later. Thanks.

We're here. We're here.

Sorry we're late. Yes, sorry.

We're here. I got a
runner in my stocking

and I could only
find red nail polish.

I couldn't find the
clear nail polish.

That's perfectly all right.

And how are you this evening,
my two little sugar lumps?

Oh, we're fine,
just a little nervous.

Ah, and you have every
reason to be nervous.

So tremble.

Tremble and turn pale.

This evening, in this room

will be all the great
captains of industry.

Steel moguls,
shipping magnates...

Any people? Of course.

Who will they be?

Oh, well, just some people
from the newspapers,

music critics from
all the large papers.

Music critics.
Did you hear that?

Now, run along and get dressed.

The guests will be arriving

at any moment. Give it to him.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Mr. Krane,

would you find a very
special place for this?

It's Boo Boo Kitty,
our lucky charm.

We never travel
anywhere without her.

I'm sure you understand. Yes.

Nice kitty, pretty
kitty, nice kitty.

Destroy that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
would like to thank you all

for being here this evening.

Most of you are acquainted

with the great things I've
done for the world of art.

Well, I've outdone myself.

Tonight, you are going to
see my greatest discovery.

The brightest new stars
on the musical horizon.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Charles Pfister Krane

presents the
magnificent Rosebuds!

♪ I met him on a Monday
and my heart stood still ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ Somebody told me
that his name was Bill ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ Yeah, my heart stood still ♪

♪ Yeah, his name was Bill ♪

♪ And when he walked me home ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ It was heaven and
he looked so fine ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ Someday soon, I'm
gonna make him mine ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ Yeah, he looked so fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll make him mine ♪

♪ And when he walks me home ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ Yeah, he looks so fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll make him mine ♪

♪ And when he walks me home ♪

♪ To-do-ron-ron-ron,
to-do-ron-ron ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Bravo... Bravo!

Bravo!

Well, I think I'll just

mosey on out to the garden,

start signing autographs,

get a head start before
we're mobbed later on.

You finish your packing.

Okay, but hurry up,

because I want to get home
in time to watch Ed Sullivan.

Ha, ha, ha...

a year from now we'll be
headlining on Ed Sullivan.

Yeah, Laverne,
Shirley and Topo Gigio.

Ooh! Oh!

I'm so sorry.

Where's Shirley going?

Oh, she went out to
sign some autographs.

It's just as well. I wanted
to talk to you alone.

Uh, yeah, I know we didn't
exactly wow the critics.

Oh, don't worry
about the critics.

I do have a little
influence with them.

I own them.

You dress them real nice.

Thank you.

I'm going to take
out a full-page ad

in tomorrow's paper.

"Charles Pfister Krane
Presents Rosebud."

Rosebud?

What happened to
the rest of the garden?

What?

It's Rosebuds, with an "s."

It's DeFazio and
Feeney, Rosebuds.

Not anymore. Feeney is fini.

Huh? Let me put it in
show business terms.

You were boffo. She was stinko.

You'll never make it with her.

Without Shirley?

Oh, yes, well, she's sweet.

But she made too many mistakes.

Oh, but she... She's out.

You, however, have
an earthy quality.

You could be another
Eartha Kitt, with a little...

No, no, I don't want
to be another anybody.

I'm sort of happy
being who I am,

and I want to
do it with Shirley.

Laverne, I don't
want to seem harsh,

but there's something
that you have to learn

right here and now.

If you want to be a star,

you have to learn to put
the little people behind you.

Oh, she's not that short.

And anyway, I
like the little people.

Especially one
named Shirley Feeney.

I won't discuss this any longer.

You will do as I say.

I see you with an ethnic trio.

West Indians are colorful
with the right shirts.

Oh, forget it, forget it.

Me and Shirley will just
do it together, by ourselves.

You will do as I
say: drop Shirley,

because that is the way that
Charles Pfister Krane wants it.

Yeah, but that's not the way

I want it, Mr. Charles
Pfister Krane.

Either Shirley sings with
me or I don't sing at all.

Well then, you
don't sing at all.

You ungrateful
little street mump,

go back to your dreary,
pathetic little existence.

I can't wait to see you
come crawling back to me.

Aw, wait a second here.

First of all, I don't
crawl back to anybody.

And second of all,
don't knock my dreary,

sleazy, pathetic
little, whatever it is,

because there's a lot
of things in this world

that all your money can't buy.

Like what?

Like... being poor.

That's right.

I mean, at least
when you're poor,

you know who
your real friends are.

You got any friends? No.

All you got is people
who jump around

and do whatever you say
just because you pay them.

I know, I see it.

"Lackey this. Lackey that."

Well, there are some
people you can't buy

with your money,
Mr. Charles Pfister Creep,

and one of them happens to
be named Laverne DeFazio.

They say you can take
the girl out of the gutter,

but you can't take the
gutter out of the girl.

You try to be nice.
You try to be a lady.

No, that doesn't work.

Attention, Mr. Charles
Pfister Krane.

Look what I found in the
bottom of the fish pond

with a brick around his neck.

Aw, Boo Boo Kitty.

Who would do such a thing?

Aw, don't worry.
We'll dry her out.

Ohh, look at her little ears.

Did you sign any autographs?

Uh... no, no, I don't think

they recognized me
without my costume.

But I saw the boy
singers out there

and we worked up a
new finale to the act,

a great big old exit.

It's gonna be great next time.

Uh, no, no, no finale.

There's not gonna be
no next performance.

What? What happened?

He hated me.

He saw that I was
out of step there.

No, no, no, no.

He thought you were terrific.

He said you were
real sweet, just terrific.

Well, then, what's the problem?

Uh... uh... how
do I... uh... um...

Well... It was me.

You? I messed up.

You didn't mess up.

No, you didn't.

You didn't mess up.

I messed up.

Oh, a couple steps,

but you, you
covered up real good.

How could he say you messed up?

I don't know, but
that's what he said,

and, uh, I'm sorry.

What sorry?

We're a team.

If he doesn't take you,
he doesn't take me, right?

We're partners.

Besides, we're not going
to let some old codger

with a bunch of stuffed
furniture break us up, are we?

Naw. Let's get him.

Come on, wait. No, no, no, no.

I don't think we
have to do that.

Things like this have a way
of taking care of themselves.

Look, I just want to pound
his face in. Yeah, I know,

I'd like to do that,
but I think Lackey,

ever see the look
in Lackey's eyes?

I think he's gonna k*ll
him one of these days.

You're probably right.

Well, try and get your stuff.

Is that mine? It's yours.

Okay.

Say so long to
the big time, huh?

Bite your tongue.

There'll be plenty
of big times for us.

Yeah, maybe we
can pick up some guys

on the bus, huh?

Maybe we don't
have to take the bus.

Well, how are we gonna get home?

Oh, boys! The exit.

Go two blocks
down and turn right...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪