08x22 - Mike's New Job

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Uh-oh.

Oh, jeez.

[PHONE RINGS]

You think they'd
invent a phone bell

that wouldn't stop your heart.

EDITH: Archie,
I'm still putting Joey to bed.

Would you get that?

The hell with it.
It ain't for me.

Oh, please, Archie!
Mike's expecting
an important call!

Oh, jeez. All right.

( phone rings )
All right!

Well, all right, all right!

All right.
You made me jump, you know that?

No, no, no,
Stivic is out somewhere.

Long distance.
Santa Barbara.

California?

Well, which is it--
Santa Barbara or California?

Well, why didn't you
tell me that to start with?

If it's a collect call,
I mean, Stivic can't pay

because he's
a down-at-the-heel teacher, see.

Who is it?
Shush.
Let me take it, will ya?

What's the name?

Dean Schlosaman?

All right, let me get
a piece of paper.
I'll write it down here, huh?

Hold on here.
Now, all right, go ahead.

What's the name?
Archie, here.

Don't take the phone
away from me!

What is it?

Dean Schlosaman.

Well, you're gonna
have to spell that.

Well, hold it.
Spell Dean first, will ya?

Archie, give it to me.
I'll take it.

Take it! Take it!
Some damn fool thinks
his name is Schlosaman.

Hello? I'll be glad
to take the message.

No, this is a different person.

Tell him how different you are.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, jeez.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Can't you try
to speak English good?

Edith, just say yes.

Yes.

Yeah!

Yeah, I'll be glad to.

Thank you very much.

Oh...

Oh, what?

What's that all about?

I don't know
how to tell you.

That never
stopped ya before.

Archie, Mike is gonna
take a teachin' job

in California.

Oh, he is
in a horse's patoot.

And take Gloria
and little Joey with him?

I ain't gonna let him
take my little family

way out to the coast
miles away.

He's gonna do it, Archie.

It's a better job,
and he'll get more money.

He's gonna be
an associate professor,

and he's gonna make
$ , a year.

Don't talk
to me about money.

I ain't a man
who thinks about money.

That don't
mean nothin' to me.

He's gonna
take away the fa--

He's gonna
take away my darlin'
little grandson Joey,

just when the kid's
beginning to smell good.

I'm gonna miss Joey
no matter how he smells.

Well, why are you sittin'
on this information?

I never heard nothin'
about this before.

Why am I always
the last person

to hear
any kind of new--

Here, here,
give me that message.

Oh, no.

Give me it.

No. No, it's Mike's.

Edith, Edith,
Edith, Edith,

I just want, you know,
before he makes any
"remitments" out there,

to talk to him.

Maybe I can get him
scared of California, see?

Archie,
you can't do that.

Edith, I don't
wanna argue with you.

Would you
fork it over, huh?

No, I ain't forkin'.

Give me that.

Give me that, now.

Oh, ain't that
lovely here.

Do you think
that suppository's gonna
be safe from me there?

Give me that.

Give me that.
Give me that.

Where did you learn
a low-class dodge like that?

That's a high-class dodge.

Bette Davis done it,
and Joan Crawford,

Claudette Colbert,
Loretta Young,

they all done this.

"They all done this."

Well, Clark Gable
and Spencer Tracy
and Tyrone Power

and Archie Bunker
all done this here!

( screaming )

Give me!
Give me that!

Edith, give me that!

Come on, now.
Come on, now, Edith.

Edith, Edith, I want it!

No, I ain't
givin' it to you.

Edith,
I gotta have it!

You're an animal.

I wasn't doin'
nothing wrong there.

Maybe not, but you sure
had a hand in it.

You filthy guy.

I didn't think
you two did that.

ARCHIE:
Ah, shut up, you.

Give me.
Give me that.

No, no! Mike, your call
came from California.

The call ca--
Honey, the ca--

They told me
that if they called me

that means I got the job!

Oh, Michael.
I got the job,
honey!

I'm gonna be
an associate professor!

I'm goin' to California!

We're going to California!

♪ California, here I come ♪

♪ Right back where
I started from ♪

Talk, talk, talk.
Jeez, shut up!

Honey, honey,

it's a whole
new life for us.

New challenges,
new experiences,

a chance to broaden my
intellectual horizons,

more money!

Honey, we're goin'
to California!

Michael, we're goin'
to California!

( crying )

Oh, Gloria,
please don't cry.

Wait a minute, let her cry.

She's got a right to cry.

Let me tell you
somethin', little girl.

I mean, nobody,
and when I say "nobody,"

I mean nobody normal,

thinks about goin' out
to California.

I mean, that's the land
of fruits and nuts.

And every fruit's
a little nutty,

and every nut's
a little fruity.

So--So what
are you saying?

There's nothin' nice
about California?

The only classy thing I know
to come out of California's
the roller derby.

Arch, California's great.

Why do you think
everybody's movin' out there?

Because they're all nuts
or they're broke

or they're jumpin' bail
or somethin'.

Don't you know that
California is the home

of where it's gonna occur,

the world's worst
"catastroph"?

"Catastroph"?

Yes, dumbbell.

Don't you know that
California's

sittin' on
a shelf out there?

The call that
the Pacific Shelf there.

There's three states
on that shelf--

Oregon, California,
Missouri.

Don't you know the day
of the big earthquake,

them three states
gonna be shoved right off
of that shelf there?

They call that
the Continental Divide.

What?

Yes, yes, the Pope
new about this years ago.

He said it was
St. Andrew's fault.

Look at me
when I'm talkin' to you!

Oh, Archie, I don't
think God

would push all them people
off a shelf.

Oh, what the hell
do you know about God?

I'll tell you
what God would do.

He's gonna
dump California.

He's just waitin'
till the last
of the crazies

get out there...

...and these two here

may be the last
couple of dummies.

Arch, you are not gonna put
a damper on this for me.

I'm calling California
to give 'em my acceptance.

Daddy, we had
to leave sometime.

Now, we're all
just gonna have

to get used
to the idea.

Oh, all right, all right,

let it happen.

As the Puerto Rican said

as they was
readin' him his rights,

"Que seru seru."

Yeah, can I have operator six
in Santa Barbara please?

Oh, oh, jeez.

You got my medicine
handy there, Edith?

What medicine?

You know, the little pills
I take to keep from dyin'?

Oh, Archie.

Oh, you forgot 'em
again there, huh, darlin'?

Well, you see,
just wait, little girl.

You know, anybody that's got

this arterial "influction"
there you know,

it's where the arterials,
they kind of swell up
on you there, see,

and then, you know,

they could explode
all over the wall paper.

Yeah, uh, thank you
very much, operator.

I'll try again later.

Well then, Daddy,
if you're so sick,

maybe we should
call a doctor, huh?

Oh, no, don't bother
with the doctor.

No, you don't--
No, don't call the doctor

because I--I feel a...

( burps )

Good, there it goes.

It's just gas.

It's another crisis
passed there.

Look, Arch,
we know how you feel,

but this job is a big
opportunity for me.

Why do you wanna make us
feel guilty about it?

Who the hell is tryin'
to make youse feel guilty
about anything there?

Hey, you don't have
to feel nothin'.

Hey, youse two
don't even have to come
to our funerals there.

No, that's all right,
little girl,

you know, you leave us two
here to die alone, you know?

And when your mother goes,
I'll send you her ashes there,

and then later on after I go,
I'll send you mine.

And then you'll have
all the ashes there

in two big urns marked
"his" and "hers," see,

so you'll know which one
to dust on Mother's Day.

Oh, Archie,
I think you're lookin'
on the dark side.

Arch, Gloria and I have given
this move a lot of thought.

Let me ask you this--

Did you give a lot of thought
to George Jefferson,

the owner of this house,
your landlord here,

pounds of hate,

the only black man I know

that calls
Abraham Lincoln a h*nky?

Do you think
George Jefferson's

gonna let you walk
out of his house like that?

Yes, I called
George Jefferson,

and I told him
this might happen,

we made an agreement.

He told me that we
could break the lease

if we'd leave as soon
as he found a buyer.

Now, I'm calling California,
and trying 'em again.

Archie, don't feel bad.

If Mike and Gloria
are happy,
Shh.

we can be happy, too.

What the hell are you
talkin' about, happy?

Who's happy?

This guy over here
is happy, that's all.

Look at the face on my
little girl over there.

Is that happy?

Are you happy,
little girl?

Yes, Daddy, I'm happy.

Are you really happy?

Yes, I'm very happy.

Will you stop
playing the fool?

Now, you may think
you're happy now,

but when you get out to
California,

and little Joey wakes up
in the mornin' and he says,

"Mommy,
where's my little room?"

Are you gonna be happy
there, little girl?

Look, look, look at me.

Are you gonna
be happy then?

When he says,
"Where's my little window

that I used to look out,
and see grandma and
grandpa's house?"

You're gonna be happy
then, little girl?

Look--huh?

You ain't gonna
be happy then.

And when he says,
"Where's my grandpa

"that took me
for walks in the park,

"tells me fairy stories,

put me to sleep at night?"

You gonna
be happy then, huh?

Huh, little girl, huh?

You gonna be happy
when he says,

"Where's my grandmother,

give me chocolate milk
and cookies?"

( sighs )

The sound you just heard

is of a breakin' heart
over there.

And what are you
gonna say, huh,

when little Joey says,

"Where's my grandma
and my grandma?"

You'll say,
"Oh, they're still here.

They're in them two jugs
on the mantelpiece there."

Huh? Hey, is that gonna make
you happy, little girl, huh?

Huh? Huh?
Yeah, look there.

Don't hold in sadness,
it ain't good for you,
little girl.

( crying )

There you are!

That's it! That's it.

You see what you done
over here?

Oh, you're the right
kind of a guy

to smash up a family.

Th-Thank you very much,
Dean Schlossman.

I really
appreciate this offer,

and my final word
is a big yes.

( crying loudly )

No, no,
that was nothing.

It was just some fire engines
passing the house.

We'll be out there
in two weeks.

Hey, don't bet on it,
funny-name.

Yeah, thank you
very much. Goodbye.

...And then,
on the mantelpiece!

Yoo-hoo! Daddy, we're back!

We got some more boxes
at Ferguson's!

Archie, where are you?

Would you believe they got
a chocolate cake out there
with moustache tracks in it?

Let me sit
in my chair, huh?

It's my house.

But we said this is my chair
when I'm over here, didn't we?

Come on, I'm tired.
Let me sit down there.

Okay, okay.
Two more weeks,

you won't have Michael Stivic
to kick around anymore.

Did anymore people
come to look at the house?

Oh, jeez,
you should see the people

Jefferson's
sendin' over here.

There was a big,
fat dentist's nurse

full of perspiration,
you know,

with a button-nose

that whistled
whenever she breathed.

And then, would you believe
a family of midgets

by the name of the Bambinis?

No.

Oh, it's true.

You couldn't tell
the parents from the kids

till the old man
lit up a cigar.

He was walkin' around here,

talkin' about lowerin'
all the doorknobs.

Well, I hope
you didn't say anything

to hurt their feelings.

No, no, I think
anything I said

went right over
their heads.

You're not funny, Daddy.

Well, I ain't
tryin' to be,

but wait till you see
the Bambinis.

Oh, my,
I wish I'd met them.

I like little people.

Well, I'd have tried
to hold 'em for you, Edith,

but they slip right
through my fingers.

Why are you
so cruel to midgets?

What have they
ever done to you?

Oh, very little.

Do me a favor, will ya?

I'm only gonna be here
another couple of weeks.

Could we say goodbye now,

so I don't have
to talk to you anymore?

Sure, sure,
anything you want.

Goodbye, goodbye,
"arriveduci" there,

"von boyage,"
anything you want.

All right? You go on
out to California,

but why don't you just
leave your family here?

What?

Yeah, hey, that's
a good idea, you know?

I mean, why don't you go out
to the west coast yourself,

look for a house out there.

You know, find a house
that would make you happy,

in a neighborhood where
there was no whites at all.

Then after about ten years,

you can send for Gloria,

then in about years
you can send for little Joey,

when he's old enough
to tell you to go to hell.

You ought to think
that over, because--

Gloria, want me to pack your
Brownie-the-Clownie bowl?

Will you stifle yourself?

You're interrupting
what I'm saying!

You know, this is getting
worse and worse every day
with you.

God, I hate
this women's power!

Well, I'm sorry.

When a man is on
a train of thought,

woman,
stay off of the tracks.

Now, like I was
saying to you--

No, wait a minute.

I ain't sorry
'cause a man was talkin'.

I mean, I was sorry

'cause anybody was talkin',
and I interrupted.

If I wanna talk, I'll talk.

Well then, talk.

Well, I ain't got
nothin' to say.

We know that!

You see, the cause of this
is people like you,

and that
Gloria "Curly" Steinway,

who was a flop
in the piano business, see?

People like you
who's puttin' ideas

into a poor,
simple woman's head,

makin' her think that she
actually has somethin' to say.

Jeez, that bugs me.

I can't tell you
how that bugs me.

So what else is new?
Everything bugs you.

No, only this here.

Are you kiddin'?

How 'bout, uh,
religion, politics?

Minorities?

How to raise children?

w*r?
Peace?

Long hair?
Short hair?

Zucchini?
My relatives?

New Jersey?
Sexual freedom?

My appetite?
Dogs?

Cats?
Goldfish?

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Come on, now,
I draw the line

on goldfish there.

Goldfish happens to be
a very fine fish,

and a very classy pet
to have in the house.

You never have to walk
a goldfish on a leash.

He don't keep you awake
barkin' at night there.

Best part about a goldfish
is that long before

you get tired
of lookin' at it, it dies.

Stand by, California.

It'll be so good
to get out there,

and breathe some nice,
fresh smog.

Well, it'll be so good

to reach for the icebox

without gettin' a handful
of your behind comin' out.

And it'll be so good

to get away from a man
who can't read a Tarzan comic

without using a dictionary.

Well, it'll be so good
to do this to you now.

( blows raspberry )

So good, that was.

That was good.

Look that up
in the dictionary.

You'll find it's spelled
with a small--

( raspberry )

Come on, Edith.

Come on, let's get
the hell out of here.

Goodbye, goodbye.
Oh, Archie,
I ain't leavin'

with you two
mad at each other.

We been mad at each other
for eight years,
( doorbell rings )

don't fool with somethin'
that works so good.

As I live and breathe!

Is this George Jefferson?

Who do I look like?
Robert Redford?

Step aside, Bunker.

I'm here to see Mr. Stivic.

Howdy.
Hi, Mr. Jefferson.

We haven't seen you
in a long time.

How's Louise?

Fine.
She sends her love.

Aw.
Well, well, well,

the only dark cloud

that never had
a silver lining.

Well, I could say I'm glad
to see you, Bunker,

but why lie?

'Cause if you don't lie,
you're gonna run out
of conversation.

Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck!
Same old Bunker.

Pure pearls
fall from your lips.

Too bad you're not an oyster.
You'd be worth something.

My, this sure does
take me back,

don't it, Gloria?

Oh, yeah, uh, Mr. Jefferson,
could I take your coat?

No thanks, I'm only gonna
stay for a few minutes.

Why don't
we all sit down?

Yeah,
we can all sit down.

Get out of the way.

Ha ha.

Ma, why don't you
come in the kitchen,

and help me get some coffee
for Mr. Jefferson?

Get me some cake, honey.
Okay.

Hey, Mike, you done
a good job keeping
my house in shape.

Oh, thanks.
Hey, talking of houses
there, Jefferson,

I own my own now, you know?
I burnt the mortgage.

Oh, you should have
kept the mortgage
and b*rned the house.

Don't be a wise-guy.

My house over there
is every bit as good
as your house here.

But you did have a fire there
last year, Arch, remember?

Some loose wires
started it.

Yeah, yeah, your people

didn't have nothin'
to do with it.

I wish I'd known
about the fire,

I could have
barbequed some ribs.

Here we are. Here we are,
cake and coffee.

Here's some cake for you,
Mr. Jefferson.

Nice big piece for you,
sweetheart.

MIKE:
Oh, thanks, honey.

Wait, wait, wait a minute,
where's mine?

You don't need no cake,
Bunker, you're a fat man.

( mouths words )

Huh?

There ain't enough?

I hate this. I--

Uh, Mr. Jefferson,

have you gotten lucky
with any buyers?

Oh, yeah,
that's why I'm here.

I just sold the house.

You sold the house!
Congratulations.

Yeah, but there's
one problem, Mike.

You know, like we agreed,

if I found a buyer,
you'd have to move out.

Well, we are movin' out.

Yeah, I know, but see,

this nice family
will only buy

if they can move in
the day after tomorrow.

The day after tomorrow?

What's the rush?

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Bambini
have to move, uh--

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

The Bambinis? You don't
mean the, uh...?

They may be short on legs,

but they're long on cash.

Well, look,
I gotta get goin'.

Hey, well, you're going,

let me see you
to the door there.

Hey, you know,
I meant to tell you,

since the last time
I seen you,

you see, I don't work
on the loadin' dock no more.

I work for myself.

I'm what you call
and "entre-manure."

Yeah, you've always
been somethin' like that.

Yeah, well, that's true.

I always had it in me.
It's first comin' out now,

you know?

Yeah, I bought a saloon,

so I'm a business man
just like you.

Hey, congratulations.

You've come
a long way, baby.

It's nice to see a white man
make it every once in a while.
Bye.

Bye, George.

Give my love
to Louise.

Goodbye, Mr. Jefferson.

It's nice to see him.

You know, I guess
I know colored people

as good as anybody
in this world.

To this day,
I can never figure

when they're being
serious or not, you know?

Michael,
where are we gonna live
for the next two weeks?

I don't know.

Hey, maybe you
could share this house

with the Bambinis?

You know, if you
promise to watch
your step around here.

Well, wait a minute,

I know where they can stay.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, yeah, I do.
Wait and see.

Where?

I'll give you a hint--

It ain't far from here,
it's on Hauser street,

and it's number !

It's your old bedroom.

It's just waitin' for ya.

Yeesh.

Just when we
got that bedroom

to stop vibratin'.

Oh, Daddy.

ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.