09x03 - Reunion on Hauser Street

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

Hey there, Barney, old pal.

How's the happy bachelor, huh?

- [WHIMPERS] - Easy, easy, easy.

Come on, come on.

There's guys watching you.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I know, but close down
the waterworks, will you?

What's the matter with you?

You used to be a regular
Bluebeard of happiness.

I can't help it, Arch. I miss my wife.

You miss Blanche? Why?

Because I love her,

and she left me for an exterminator.

Oh, geez. Would it make you any happier

if it was a dentist or something like that

she was shacking up with?

Shacking up!

All right, Barney. I mean, after all,

she ain't meditating with the guy.

I mean, she's out there
doin' her own thing.

I don't care about that. I still miss her.

Well, well, now, Barney,

if you ain't got no pride left,

then all you gotta do is wait until
she gets tired of the exterminator,

and she'll come back to you.

Yeah, that's what you said when she left,

and all that came back
were the cockroaches.

Listen, what you gotta do

is you get your mind off
the whole thing, see?

You oughta go home and clean your cellar.

I've already done that.

Well, what about cleanin' mine?

- Very funny.
- I'm only tryin' to help you there!

Oh, yeah. Show him that.

That'll make him feel good. Go ahead.

Hey, Barney, Barney, look
at the picture of us

we're gonna hang up behind the bar.

Remember the fishing trip we
took out to Sheepshead Bay?

- Yeah. - Huh? Huh?

Remember when Hank Pivnik got seasick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember he spent half the trip
hangin' over the rail of the boat.

Yeah, yeah.

Remember, some guy come up to us and says,

"Hey, fellas, I think your
buddy's got a weak stomach."

- Yeah, yeah.
- Remember what you said to him?

- No.
- You said to him, "What do you mean, weak stomach?

I bet you on the next heave,
he hits Coney Island."

Boy, that was a fun trip.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you hit the jackpot.

You caught the biggest
"flounderer" I ever seen.

Hey, that was a whopper, boy.

I remember when I brought it home.

Blanche took one look at it, and she said,

"Hey, it looks like Spiro Agnew."

[LAUGHING]

[SOBBING]

Ah, God, he's cryin' again.

- Give me back my picture.
- Gee, what are you gonna do?

Ooh, Arch.

I can still see her,
standin' there at the sink,

cleanin' that fish with
the guts in her hands.

Barney, bein' sentimental
ain't gonna do you no good.

Yeah.

I gotta go.

Yeah, that's the thing to do.

Yeah, go on home.

You know, Barney, there's
no place like home.

That's right, Arch, but right
now, I gotta go to the can.

Don't be lookin' at people, youse guys.
Drink your beer.

Harry, what the hell are
we gonna do with him?

He's beginnin' to get me down.

Will you tell me what he
ever seen in Blanche?

Well, Blanche is a kind
of a good-lookin' woman.

Ah, get out-- You only seen 'em

at them affairs we'd have at the lodge,

when she'd be in makeup and all
dolled up to b*at the band.

You should've seen her as I seen her.

Many's the fine morning when she come out

to get the milk, you know.

Oh, God.

In an old bathrobe...

you wouldn't throw that thing over a horse.

Curlers in the hair, you know?

Them things look like a lot of little

electrical "degenerators" there.

Them?

She looked like she was
getting radar from the moon.

And I don't know what the
hell she put on herself,

but every morning that face of hers

looked like it was
stuccoed during the night.

- Hi, Arch. - Oh, hi there, Boom Boom.

HARRY: Hi, Boom Boom. How's the kid?

Hey, it really looks slow.

Are you sure you want me to work tonight?

Oh, sure. It'll pick up later on.

So what's new, huh?

Oh, New York is always full of surprises.

On the way here, on the subway,

some guy took off all his clothes.

No kidding. What'd they do to him?

They didn't know what to do,

so the conductor turned off the lights.

They make the guy get dressed in the dark?

No, he had to stay naked.

Why?

Somebody stole his clothes.

♪ New York, New York ♪

Hey, that Boom Boom.

Yeah. Cute, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Arch.

There's a way to make
Barney forget Blanche.

I'll have a word with her.

Hey, Boom, there,

if you don't mind me gettin' familiar.

- No, it's okay.
- You know what I was just thinkin'?

We all work so hard around here

that you and me, we never get a
chance to sit down and have any,

what do you call, personal chitchat.

- Yeah. - Yeah, let's do that.

- Okay. Yeah. - Yeah, sit down.

- All right. - Yeah, yeah.

I was hoping that you'd be free.

What I mean to say--

Are you still seeing Charlie?

No, Charlie had to go to jail.

Ah, that's great news.

Then you ain't got no boyfriend.

Well, there's this Chinese guy, Lee.

He's a cook down at the Taiwan Gardens.

But they only let him out of
the kitchen twice a month.

Oh. Well, seeing as how
you're kinda on the loose,

Boom Boom, uh, how'd you
like to have a little fun

and do a good turn for a real poor slob?

Archie, you're a married man.

Uh, Boom Boom,

I wasn't "referencing" to myself there.

I was talking about Barney Hefner.

He's married, too.

But he's separated, see?

His wife run away with a
guy that kills roaches.

Why? Is there money in that?

Oh, yeah, roaches are very big in New York.

Oh, there he is now.

Go over and kinda be nice to him, huh?

Hmm, he's still a married man,

and I got scruples.

Scruples?

Well, I'll tell you.

See, Barney's an ex-G.I.,

and I think he got sh*ts
against all of that.

So go cheer him up like a good girl, huh?

Hi, Barney.

Hi, Boom Boom.

Oh, Barney. Is somethin' buggin' you?

[SOBBING]

Did you ever hear of scruples?

Yeah. Why?

I think Boom Boom caught
'em from a Chinaman.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming! I just gotta dry my hands!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yeah, they're dry! I'm coming!

Edith?

Blanche Hefner!

Ooh, come in!

Ohh.

Blanche...

Ooh, you look wonderful!

Why shouldn't I? I feel wonderful!

[SOBBING]

Oh, Blanche. Oh, come here and sit down.

Oh, what's the matter?

Where have you been?

Atlantic City.

He left me there.

- Who? - Calvin.

Oh, the exterminator.

We had an argument this morning,

and you know what he said to me?

No, what?

"Bug off."

Well, why would he say that?

That's what exterminators say
when they're finished with you

and they want to dump you.

Oh.

Waah!

Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.

Do you want a drink?

I'd love it!

Tea or coffee?

- Whiskey. - Oh, oh.

Yeah, I think Archie has a bottle out here.

I'm not sure it's whiskey.

They both look the same to me.

It doesn't matter.

Do you want it warm or cold?

Like it is.

Here you are.

[COUGHS]

- BLANCHE: Ah! - EDITH: Oh!

Ah! Ah!

Oh! Ahh.

Oh, Edith, I've been walking
around crying all day,

in a daze.

Ohh.

No husband...

no sweetheart...

no friends.

Oh, I'm still your friend, Blanche.

Thank you, Edith.

Blanche, do you mind if
I ask you something?

What?

Why did you leave Barney?

[SIGHS]

You know, Edith...

some men forget their wives
when they're separated.

Barney forgot me while he
was still living with me.

He didn't need me.

But, Blanche, Barney misses you!

- Oh, yeah? - Sure.

When did he start missing me?

Right away. He told me that he
found your note on the pillow

the Wednesday that you left.

That's what I mean. I
left the Sunday before.

He said that after being married to you,

he never wanted to look at another woman.

Did he really say that?

And Archie says he's been down at the bar

every night since you left.

That's where he was every
night before I left.

When Calvin came over to
fumigate the house, I--

Oh, Edith, if you'd seen him standing there

in his forest green uniform,

looking so young with all his equipment.

That bright red ladybug
embroidered on his pocket.

[INHALES] You would've done the same thing.

Oh, no. I would've used Black Flag.

Blanche, why don't you make up with Barney

and move back across the street?

I guess I'll have to.

My clothes are still there.

The dishes Mama gave us
when we got married.

My prescription sunglasses.

And my checkbook.

And Barney?

Yeah, I know.

[SIGHS]

Think he'd take me back?

Oh, sure.

Why don't you go down to the
bar right now and find out?

Oh, I couldn't face him. What would I say?

I know one thing you could say.

What?

"I'm sorry."

[BIG BAND SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

See, it's workin'. She's cheerin' him up.

Yeah. But they hadn't oughta be dancing.

We ain't got a license for that.

Maybe I oughta go turn off the music.

No, no, with no music,

it'd look like they're doing something
else we ain't got a license for.

Hey, Barney knows how to dip. That's class.

Yeah. When I was a kid,

and I was runnin' around to dances there,

I was a star at that, you know?

Yeah, they used to call me the Big Dipper.

Star... Big Digger, get it?

No.

Geez, nothing gets through.

Boy, I haven't had this
much fun in a long time.

Yeah, me, too!

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Mmm.

Hey, Boom Boom...

uh, listen, later on, when
you get through, I mean,

do you suppose it's
possible that we could go

to some quiet little place
and just talk, huh?

Barney, I'm not that kind.

Oh, no, no. I mean just to talk,

no monkey business.

Oh. Well... okay.

My place or yours?

Oh, yours. Mine has cockroaches.

That's Barney and a girl!

Oh, no, no! You stay here, Blanche.

He's just dancin'.

Ooh, I never knew Barney
was such a good dancer.

Neither did I. Every time
I asked him to dance,

he said he had a headache.

Hi, Edith. Hi, Blanche.

Did I just say "hi" to a Blanche?

- Yeah. - Excuse me.

Hiya, Blanche.

Well, the bad penny ain't picking
up no more rolling moss.

How come you're alone, Blanche?

- Where's your pal Cockroach Cal? - Yeah.

I think I'd better go, Edith.

Oh, no, Blanche! You stay here.

Blanche, this is Mildred Turner.

Mildred, this is Blanche Hefner,

Barney's wife.

BARNEY: Ix-nay.

Archie, oh, I gotta get out of here.

I thought you told me they were separated.

Stick around. This thing
is still up in the air.

- Relax. - Relax where?

Uh, in the can.

Now, come on, let's all
go down here and sit down

and talk it all over nice and quietly.

You, too, Archie.

Oh, oh, no. Not me.

How can he talk anything over
quietly with his big mouth?

Edith, what are you doing over there, huh?

Why are you tryin' to get my best pal

back together with this here woman,

who broke the Ten Commandments?

Don't give me no faces. Open your Bible.

What do you see in there?

You see in there that a wife

should cleave unto her husband,

and this woman here, where's
that she went again?

Atlantic City.

She took her cleavage to Atlantic City.

Oh, here, Barney. You sit down here,

and, Blanche, you sit down here.

And I'll--let's see, boy, girl, boy, girl.

We need another boy, Archie.

You need another boy?

Then why don't you call
Cal from this here, huh?

Yeah! He oughta be in on this

with all his tools and his poison gases.

Archie, Blanche--

Edith, Edith, you are a buttinsky.

You shouldn't be here in the first place.
Where's little whosis?

- Stephanie? - Whatever.

She's sleeping over with the O'Brien kids.

The O'Briens?

That family is Catholic. They'll
be draggin' her off to the church.

Yeah, I think that's what
they're gonna do tomorrow.

You want her to come home

full up on muscatel and wafers?

- I'll have to go myself, Edith.
- Oh, Archie, wait a minute.

Now listen to me. Blanche
and Barney want to make up,

and we gotta help them.

Now, you listen to me, Edith.

We're supposed to live
by rules in this world--

rules, rules, rules, rules!

I don't mean that we gotta
be Germans, you know?

But then we don't want to be
Puerto Ricans, neither, see?

Now, Blanche broke the rules.

She's gotta pay for that.

Case closed.

Archie, that man is staring at you.

No, he's only the blind guy.

Yeah.

Huh?

How's the dog?

I guess he misses you. He cries a lot.

How are the fish?

The fish missed you, too, until they d*ed.

Did you change their water?

Every week like clockwork.

Did you keep the temperature even?

on the nose.

Did you feed them?

Mm!

Oh, no.

Archie, everybody breaks rules.

- No, they don't. - It's only human.

- No, it ain't. - Yes, it is!

You break rules, and you're human.

No, I ain't.

- Uh, yeah, I'm human. - Yes, you are.

Archie, who are you to
cast the first stone?

You went up to that woman's
apartment at th Street.

Now, listen. That wasn't my fault.

That woman "temptated" me up there.

I didn't know she was a won ton woman.

Would it surprise you

if I told you that I broke a rule?

With who?

F.W. Woolworth.

Who?

The -and- -cent store.

Oh, geez.

When I was years old.

I stole an O Henry bar
from their candy counter.

Oh, have mercy, Lord.

The woman plundered a nickel's worth.

But when I was a little older,

I went back to the store to pay 'em back.

Ohh... Geez, I'd bet they
was glad to get that nickel

so's they could balance their
books after all them years.

I had to pay 'em a dime.
The price had gone up.

Did you know this, Lord? That, uh...

that I'd been living here for years

with a regular Ma Barker?

By the way, how are you?

Lonely.

Yeah, I could see.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Blanche.

You ain't been so lonely.

I got lonely this morning.

Now, level with me, Blanche.

Are you through with him?

It's all over, Barney.

From now on, I'm gonna use Black Flag.

Blanche...

you're beautiful.

Tsk. You haven't said
that to me for years.

Yeah, well, you know how I am.

I don't like to repeat myself. [CHUCKLES]

Ohh, ain't they a lovely couple?

Yeah, Popeye and Olive Oyl.

I think you're beautiful, too, Barney.

Let's go home, Blanche.

I'll buy you some new fish.

Edith, we're going home,
and I owe it all to you!

- Oh! Ha ha ha. - Good-night, Edith.

Good night! Sleep tight!

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Oh.

You love to butt in, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I learned something

out of this whole situation here.

What?

Well, you know, if ever some young guy

should get the hots for you--

Oh, don't talk like that, Archie.

Hold it, will ya?

I know it ain't likely. I'm just saying if.

And if you and him should decide to lam out

- to Atlantic City--
- Oh, I would never do that.

If, if, if, if, if, if. Let me finish.

If anything like that should happen,

I would be very glad if I
had a friend like you.

Oh, Archie.

You won't never need a friend like me,

'cause you'll always have me.

See, he hears everything.

- Thank you! - [MUSIC PLAYS]

[LAUGHS]

We're breaking the law, Edith,

but, uh, to hell with it.

Ohh.

Oh, Archie, you're a wonderful dancer.

Yeah, I know.

You know, they used to
call me the Big Dipper.

- Ohh. - Years ago,

because I was always doing this here.

Ohh!

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

All In The Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.