09x08 - Edith Versus the Bank

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh.

Archie!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

ARCHIE: What do you want, Edith?

I think the set is pooped out again.

What now? It's humming,

but we ain't got a picture,
and we ain't got no sound.

Well, I coulda told you
that a half an hour ago.

- Just give it a kick. - Oh, no!

That's what makes it poop
out, when you kick it.

I never kick it until it's pooped out.

You kick it a lot.

- Oh, no, no. - Oh, yeah.

When did you ever see me kick
this when it wasn't pooping?

You kicked it when they caught Spiro Agnew.

No, no. I threw a beer at it.

You kicked it when Mr. Nixon resigned.

No, that time I cursed it.

You kicked it when the
Rolling Stones was on.

No, no. That time I mooned it.

But this here time, I'm gonna kick it.

- Oh, no! - [BUZZING]

Oh! Oh! I think it's on fire!

Burn, baby, burn.

But it could be dangerous!

Well, pull the plug on it, Edith.

Give it a mercy k*lling.

Where are you going?

Oh, I ain't decided yet.

It'll either be to the South of France

ARCHIE: Oh, holy cow!

Edith! Edith! Edith!

Yeah?

Bring yesterday's paper here, will you?

Barney's dog's been up on our porch again.

Oh, dear.

Can it be fixed?

Oh, no. It's too old.

If I had the money, I'd buy you
a new one for your anniversary.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But maybe I could get one!

Yeah!

That could be my present to Archie.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea!

Have you got the money?

No.

But maybe I could get it on credit.

What's credit?

Credit is when you pay a little down

and then pay a little every week.

Archie calls it "the American way."

He says that way, you can buy

anything you can't afford.

Oh, it's a wonderful idea!

Oh, and you mustn't...

Ms. Jamison, you can send
in the next loan applicant.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm Gordon Faraday.

I'm Edith Bunker.

Welcome to your bank's
friendly loan department.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Now, what can we do for you?

I want to borrow $

for a new color TV set

for my husband.

That's a lovely thought.

Oh, thank you.

It's our th anniversary.

Congratulations.

Oh! Thank you!

Mmm!

Oh, my!

It's so much nicer here

than at Kressler's department store.

I was just over there
looking at their TV sets,

and I saw a nice one on sale.

It was playing my favorite soap opera--

As the World Turns.

It looked very good, so
I decided to buy it.

But the man wouldn't let
me buy it on credit.

So I asked him why,

and he wouldn't tell me.

But, as I was going out,
the sales lady told me

that they wouldn't give me credit

'cause I was a woman.

That's discrimination!

That's against the law!

You cannot deny credit to someone

just because she's a woman.

That's what I thought!

Fortunately, Mrs. Bunker,

our bank is quite liberal

in its attitudes toward women.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Our chief teller is a woman

in our branch in King of
Prussia, Pennsylvania.

Oh.

And our third assistant cashier is a woman.

She's not only a wiz at figures,

but she makes the best damn
cup of coffee in town.

So, you see, Mrs. Bunker,

you've come to the right place.

Oh, I know I have.

My husband and me got a
joint account here--

a joint checking account

and a joint saving account too.

And I got three accounts
on my own, in my name.

My education-for-my-grandson account

and my Christmas Club account

and my magic-potato-cutter account.

That's mine, too.

The bank is your friend, Mrs. Bunker.

♪ Just give us a smile and
we'll lend you a pile ♪

♪ Dah dah ♪

Oh, yeah!

I heard that.

Now, you just take this application,

and fill it out, then sign right here.

Oh, you make it so easy.

Then have your husband sign right here.

Oh, no. I ain't gonna do that

'cause I want it to be a surprise.

Oh, you want credit on your own?

Oh, yeah!

Well, that shouldn't be any problem.

You can put up your bank
accounts as collateral.

But only mine. I want to
do this all on my own.

How much money do you
have in your accounts?

Oh, about $ .

No, I meant all three.

Yeah, that is all three.

Do you work?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, well, in that case--

I work at the Sunshine Home part time.

How much do they pay you?

. an hour.

Sometimes I work ten hours a week.

Well, Mrs. Bunker, I'm
afraid that isn't enough

to guarantee the loan.

Do you--do you own anything yourself?

Outright?

Well, I own all my clothes.
And I own the dishes

that my mother give us when we got married.

Oh, and I guess I own the pots and pans

'cause Archie give 'em to
me as a birthday present.

Oh, and I got my own Water Pic.

My daughter give it to me.

Well, Mrs. Bunker-- [SIGHS]

I'm afraid that your bank

is not gonna be able to give you a loan.

[SNAP]

Why not?

Since you don't have any visible assets...

and you don't work full-time.

Oh, but I do work full-time!

I do all the cooking and the cleaning

and the washing and the shopping.

I mean real work.

That's real work.

Have you ever tried it?

That's just housework.

What's wrong with housework?

Ain't that important?

I thought you said that your bank

didn't have nothing against women.

We don't. We love 'em.

But we don't just fork
over loans just like that.

If I was a man, would you give me a loan?

If you were a man, you'd be out working

and you wouldn't be just a housewife.

But I--I can't be out working.

I gotta stay home and work

so my husband can go out and work.

But you think that the
work that I do at home

ain't as important as the work

that my husband does at work.

I'm glad you understand, Mrs. Bunker.

But that ain't fair!

Now, you just take this
application home with you

and fill it out and have
your husband sign it.

I don't want him to sign it.

Come back and I'll give you
your money in minutes.

I wanted it to be a surprise!

I'm sorry I can't do business
with you, Mrs. Bunker.

Goodbye!

Goodbye.

I'm sorry.

I can't do business with
you, neither, Mr. Faraday.

You know, my three bank accounts

that I got here in this bank--

my education-for-my-grandson account

and my Christmas Club account

and my magic-potato-cutter account?

Yes.

Well, I'm gonna take 'em
all out of this bank...

right now.

And I don't care if I suffer um--um--

substantial penalties
for early withdrawals.

Case closed.

Well...

that lemon-lime Jell-o's pretty good.

Even though it looks like you-know-what.

Oh, Archie.

Where are you going?

Where am I going? Where else could I go?

Going over here to sit down.

Do what I usually do.

Look at TV.

Why would you look at TV
when it ain't working?

I don't know what else to do.

I know what we could do.

We can have a little talk.

Oh, geez.

Come on, Archie.

Let's have a heart-to-heart talk.

Yeah, all right, Edith.

Go ahead.

The evening's sh*t anyway.

Archie, you're my husband.

And I'm your wife.

Who else knows this, Edith?

Oh, everybody.

Hmm.

And I'm your friend.

And you're my friend.

Hold it. Now, hold it.

Hold it. Hold it, Edith.

I don't care what such publications

as this here Cosmopolitan
has to say on the subject,

but I'll tell you right here and now--

A husband and a wife cannot be friends!

Oh, yeah. They can.

Married people help each other,

and friends help each other too,

so that makes married people friends.

All right, all right
. Dr. Joyce Smothers there.

What the hell is your point?

Archie...

friend...

would you loan me some money?

Edith, friend...

The best way to lose a friend

is to ask for a loan.

Please, Archie. I need some money.

How much?

[sigh]

Well, come on, come on, Edith.

Give me the figure there.

--

Aw, geez, sweetheart.

You got it, .

Hundred.

Dollars?

You just lost your friend.

Please?

What did you do wrong that you need $ ?

Oh, nothing.

It's just, uh, for something for the house.

We puttin' in a swimming pool?

Oh, no.

I can't tell you what it is, Archie.

You'll just have to trust me.

I do trust you.

A man can trust his wife up to $ !

Anything over $ ,

a man's got to know the facts.

Why?

I don't make you tell me

every time you spend our money.

Edith, the law says I don't gotta tell you!

Edith, I'm the man of the house!

You know what that means?

I don't care what's going on nowadays,

but that still means the boss!

- Oh, no, Archie-- - Edith, the boss.

Listen, you better stop reading

that big-brained Gloria Steinway too much.

You take my advice.

They're gonna pay more attention

to that nice little woman
that's running around

who always puts her duty
ahead of her brains,

like Mrs. Phyllis Shoo-fly.

All I can tell you

is that it's something for
what I can't tell you why,

and it's for somebody that
I can't tell you who.

Well, you better tell
me the who or the why,

or you ain't going to get the what.

Archie, please, you're my last chance.

I can't get it from the bank

because they won't lend
money to housewives.

Oh, well, that's the fault

of all the big liberals out there

They went and protected all
the "minorority" groups

from the bank.

Now the bank ain't got
nobody left to kick around

but youse women.

Let me ask you something.

Do you think that the work
I do here in the house--

the cooking and the washing

and the cleaning and the shopping--

is worth a dollar a week?

About.

Well, I figured it all out.

See...

a dollar a week for weeks--

'cause there's weeks in a year--

comes to $ a year.

Well, that's close, yeah.

And we've been married years, right?

Yeah.

That's ten threes.

And ten s is $ .

And three s

comes to $ , .

Oh...

[MUMBLES]

Which you owe me!

Oh, wait-- Hold--Hold--

Now, let's make a deal.

If you pay me right now $ ,

I'll let you keep the $ , that's left.

What d'you mean keep it?

When the hell did I ever have it?

When you didn't pay it to me.

But I don't see it nowheres!

What did I do with it?

Well, how should I know?

See?

You don't have to tell me

every time you spend your money.

Why should I tell you?

Well, ho-ho-hold it. Hold it, Edith.

Wai--Wai--

Fifty-- Just a minute!

What are you trying to tell me here?

That I gotta pay you for doing the work

that God give you to do?

Yeah! I guess so.

Well, that, Edith Baines Bunker,

is Communist talk!

I ain't a Communist!

I voted for Jimmy Carter!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Now it all comes out!

And I suppose you're saying

that the work that I've been doing

in this house for
years ain't worth $ !

Don't put words into my mouth!

And I've been working seven days a week!

- I never said-- - And Sundays!

And holidays! I suppose
I should work overtime!

You brought up this whole
thing about the money!

- Oh, when I sleep? - Let me finish.

I guess when I sleep! I shouldn't sleep!

You brought up-- Will you let me finish?

I should go out and maybe paint the house!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Edith.

Take it easy there, will you?

Geez, you scared me.

You got a wild look on your face

like your Aunt Louella
up at the funny farm.

And you got a mean look on your face

like that man at the First Friendly Bank!

And that man at Kressler's
department store!

I don't want to do this!

You clear off the table!

And I ain't paying you for it, neither!

Geez.

Oh, my God.

If she's going through
another one of them changes,

you might as well come and claim me

because I can't take it.

Was Aunt Edith yelling at you?

No, no, no, no. She don't never yell.

She was just singing something down here.

Let me tell you something, kiddo.

Your Aunt Edith's a saint.

This time she's a k*ller saint,

but she's a saint.

Do you know what she wanted the money for?

No, what?

I'll never tell.

Come on. Come on. Tell me.
I'll give you a dime.

Tsk.

Quarter.

She wanted to buy you a new
TV set for your anniversary.

- Why didn't she-- - Shh!

Okay. Okay.

You stay there.

- Wait a minute. - Huh?

Oh, gee. There.

Thank you.

[PANTING]

Edith.

Edith, sweetheart--

Oh, geez!

Come on, Edith. Come on.

L-listen to me. Listen to me, darling.

I'm gonna give you the $ .

Oh, Archie--

You don't have to say what
you're gonna spend it for.

You could let that be

my anniversary present to you!

Oh, no, no! It ain't a present, Archie,

'cause it's my pay!

Oh, your p-- Nnn!

Okay, oh. All right, then, Edith.

Let it be your pay. See?

And then, from now on,

you and me, we're even-steven.

Oh, no!

'Cause you still owe me $ , !

You said in there we had a deal--

But you didn't take the deal

when I offered it to you,

so now it's too late.

Oh, geez, Edith. Come on.

But you don't have to pay me all at once.

You can pay me... well, $ . a week.

Yeah, and then, we'll have a little fund

and we can keep it for paying bills

and for trips to see Mike and Gloria

and little Joey.

And then it'll be for
presents for little Joey too.

Let me see. $ . a week,
weeks in the year.

Five times . [MUMBLES]

$ a year. That's all.

[EDITH MUMBLES]

Well, it'll be between...

three and four years.

But all that time, you don't have to be

paying me the $ . a week that I always--

Listen to me, or I'll have to
explain it to you all over again.

See, you don't have to pay me
the dollar a week anymore.

[CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪]

All In The Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.