09x14 - A Night at the PTA

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

EDITH: I'm in the kitchen, Archie.

Hello, Archie.

Archie?

Archie, did you come in?

[WATER FLUSHING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, you did.

STEPHIE: It's me, Aunt Edith.

Oh, it's you.

Oh. [KISS]

You sounded like your Uncle Archie.

I got ladyfingers for you.

No, thanks.

Oh, they're big.

They could be lady thumbs.

No, thanks.

Well, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Did something go wrong at school?

No.

Oh, come on.

You are sad about something.

I'm happy.

Oh, no, you ain't.

Come on, tell me.

I'm lucky.

All the other kids have
to find songs to sing

and poems to recite, but not me.

What are you talking about?

They're getting ready for
parents and children's night.

'Cause I don't have any parents.

Oh, of course you do.

Why, you got me and Archie.

As long as you're living here,
we're your mommy and daddy.

I'm the mommy.

I could be in the show
with you, if you want.

I could sing.

I knew you'd like that.

Now, let's see what'll we do.

Oh, I know. "Little Glowworm."

Oh, they love this.

[PLAYING] ♪ Glow, little glowworm ♪

♪ Glimmer, gli-- ♪

Come on and sing.

It don't matter if you don't know it.

Just do what I do, and you'll be perfect.

♪ Glow, little glowworm ♪

♪ Glimmer, glimmer ♪

♪ Glow, little glowworm ♪

♪ Glimmer, glimmer ♪

♪ Lead us lest too far we wander ♪

♪ Love's sweet voice is calling yonder ♪

Give me a break over here, will you?

- Edith, Edith, calm--calm-- - Oh.

Hi, Archie.

Jeez, I feel like I've
been gunned down here.

What the hell is this,
The Singing Dingbats?

Oh...

Guess what?

I don't want to guess nothing.

Stephie and me are gonna sing a duet.

Oh, jeez, well, I guessed that. Where?

- At school, for parent and children's night.
- Oh.

Edith, the two of youse
ain't gonna go out there

and sing that in front of the world,

in front of all 'em parents?

They're our acquaintances,

and neighbors and near neighbors.

- Oh. - Yeah, and in front of you.

Oh, no. Oh, no, not me.

- I ain't gonna be there, Edith.
- Oh, yes, you are.

I ain't gonna be there, Edith.

In fact, you might as well run
out and buy me some chopsticks.

What for?

'Cause if youse two go
on with this in public,

I'm gonna be hiding in China.

Aunt Edith's singing isn't so bad.

Thank you.

You're young yet there, kiddo.

Your ears haven't opened fully.

Why do you always make jokes
about Aunt Edith's singing?

They ain't jokes.

Them is serious cries from the heart.

You always said you liked my
singing when you was courting me.

Oh, well, Edith, jeez.

If everybody told the truth
while they was courting,

there wouldn't be no marriages.

Archie, me and Stephie are gonna practice.

You're gonna be proud of us. Ain't he?

Proud of youse? If you really
go on with this thing, Edith,

I'm liable to go out and change my name.

Archie, people love it.

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ Entertainment ♪ I hate entertainment.

Entertainment is a thing of the past.

Today we got television.

Can we do this one, Aunt Edith?

"Sister Kate."

Oh, yeah. Remember "Sister Kate," Archie?

Oh, yeah. That was that dumb movie

about nuns starring "Ingrid Bernstein."

No, no. This is a good song.

Now, we're gonna start

and we're gonna practice night and day,

so we get every note perfect.

Oh, God.

[PLAYING]

♪ Went to a dance with my sister Kate ♪

♪ Everyone there said she danced so great ♪

♪ I realized a thing or two ♪

I hope you're noting this down, Lord.

Hey, I'm paying for sins here.

[SINGING AND PLAYING CONTINUE]

♪ Went to a dance with my sister Kate ♪

♪ Everyone there said she danced so great ♪

♪ I realized a thing or two ♪

[COUGHS]

♪ That I got wise to something new ♪

♪ Went to a dance with my sister Kate ♪

♪ Everyone there said she danced so great ♪

♪ I realized a thing or two ♪

[COUGHS]

♪ That I got wise to something new ♪

♪ Went to a dance with my sister Kate ♪

♪ Everyone there said she danced so great ♪

♪ I realized a thing or two ♪

[COUGHS]

♪ That I got wise to something new ♪

♪ Went to a dance with my sister Kate ♪

♪ Everyone there said she danced so great ♪

♪ I realized a thing or two ♪

♪ That I got wise to something new ♪

Will you leave me alone?

Listen, I couldn't go to that
thing even if I wanted to.

Suppose we get busy in here tonight.

I can handle it.

I think you oughta go to the school show.

I hate school shows.

I hated school shows ever
since I was this high.

God, will I ever forget them?

There was always some kid pounding a piano,

and then there was always
some four-eyed sissy

torturing a violin,

and some fat slob reciting "Trees".

And then there was always the black
kid singing "My Yiddishe Mama."

Hey, come on, Arch. I got the cards ready.

- Okay, I'll be right with you there.
- What's going on?

This guy thinks he's gonna
take some money off me.

- Come on, get your dollar up.
- And where the hell is yours?

- Right here, here it is.
- Put it up. There's mine. What do we do?

All right, now.

- Here's a pair of kings. - Yeah.

- Here's a pair of queens. - Yeah.

Which pair do you take?

Are you kidding?

No.

Which pair do I take? I take this pair.

And I take this pair. Ha ha ha.

Wait, wait.

[LAUGHS]

What the hell are you laughing at there?

What kind of a gag is this?

There's no gag, you had your choice.

All right, all right. Well,
I want another choice.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

- I want a return match. Come on. - Oh, no.

Get a dollar up there.

Oh, well, I'm being coerced.

- All right, go ahead. - All right.

Now, like I said before,
here's a pair of kings.

I see them there.

- And here's a pair of queens.
- I see the queens, yeah.

All right, which pair do you take?

Oh, well, hold it, wise guy.

What do you think, I just drove in
from Long Island on a load of turnips?

This time you go first.
Which pair do you take?

I take this pair. Ha ha ha.

Now, wait a minute.

This is supposed--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Will you deal me a hand
? You keep a hand yourself--

- Oh, wait, I got another one.
- Never mind the other one.

- Arch... Arch! - Just a minute.

- What do you want? - It's for you.

Just a minute. I don't want the other one.

I want the same one. I'll be back
with you in a minute there, wise guy.

Hello. Oh, hello there, Rosemarie.

BOTH MEN: Stephanie!

Shush up, youse.

Yeah, what d'you want?

Something awful's happened.

Aunt Edith can't sing.

Well, who said she ever could?

I mean, she lost her voice,

and the show's tonight,
and she sounds terrible.

Well, wait a minute, kiddo,
don't be upset, see,

your Aunt Edith ain't lost her voice...

that is her voice.

No. I mean, she can't talk either.

She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.

Listen.

[HOARSELY] Ahh ahh ahh.

Is that you, Edith?

[HOARSELY] I can't talk.

[COUGHS]

See?

She sounds like she's in a bottle.

Well, all right, but what
does she want me to do, huh?

Friedman's Pharmacy, pick
up a prescription there?

All right, tell her I'll do that.

I'll be right home. Good-bye.

What happened, Arch?

There's something wrong with Edith.

She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.

You better hurry home so you can enjoy it.

[FAKE LAUGH]

Oh, yeah, but, gee,

I hope it ain't that old
trouble coming back, you know?

Oh, gee, then it would be
a kind of an emergency.

I don't know what to do.

Could you lend me a deuce for a cab?

- Oh, sure, Arch. Here.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, gee.

God bless you. But I think I'll walk.

Hey, Edith, there.

I'm home with your medicine here.

[NO AUDIO]

Well, it's a new approach, Edith.

Did Dr. Shapiro call you from his club

or from his Lincoln Continental?

There. But he examined you
over the phone as usual, huh?

Yeah. I hope he gave us a
discount for distance.

Listen, I--I want to take a
look at your throat, Edith.

Open up your mouth there.

Oh, jeez, it looks... it looks
terrible in there, Edith.

All right, give me a-- give me an "ahh."

She writes me an "ahh."

Edith, Edith, listen.

This could be serious, you know.

I mean, maybe we oughta take you
to see some kind of specialist.

Can you remember what brung-- brung it on?

No, no. Don't write it, Edith.

Can't you just tell me?

Oh, you can't talk.

Well, do what you done before
on the phone, you know.

The hissing at me.

[NO AUDIO]

The doctor says, "No whispering."

Yeah, well, all right, go ahead.
Write it out to me.

God.

[SIGHS]

What the hell are we doing here?

Edith, will you stifle yourself over there?

Let me read that.

[NO AUDIO]

Bring it over to me!

[GRUNTS]

[COUGHS]

[GRUMBLES]

See what the hell she's got here.
"This thing

"happened once before in our family.

"In ...

"In , my Aunt Lou and Uncle Dalton

- "was collecting rubber and tin cans...
- [NO AUDIO]

"for the scrap drive to
win the w*r, in Brooklyn.

"While they was crossing Flatbush Avenue...

It was at the corner of
DeKalb and Flatbush."

This here is very suspenseful, Edith.

"Only Aunt Lou knew the
DeKalb Avenue trolley

was bearing down on them."

Couldn't Dalton hear the damn thing?

Oh....

"Uncle Dalton was hard of hearing.

Aunt Lou had lost her voice."

What a perfect pair.

"So she couldn't warn him.
All of a sudden..."

All of a sudden what?

They was hit by the trolley?

k*lled, I hope?

- [NO AUDIO] - Aunt Lou was k*lled!

[NO AUDIO]

She got her voice back?

Yeah. Well, Dalton at least was k*lled.

He got cauliflower ears?

He got his hearing back?

Oh, jeez, but, Edith,

where does all this leave us

with regards to the question here at hand?

[NO AUDIO]

The question was: how did
you lose your voice?

Don't write it, Edith.

I don't care no more.

Hi, Uncle Archie.

Now we're talking here.

Are you any better, Aunt Edith?

- No, she ain't no better, no. - [COUGHS]

You hear that cough there?

That's the smog over New
York does that, see?

And she ain't liable to
be better soon, either.

A thing like this could
take two, three days,

maybe-- maybe a year.

Then we can't be in the show tonight?

Well, don't look so "chestfallen" about it.

That means that, uh, tomorrow morning,

you won't wake up dyin' of shame, huh?

You stay home tonight, and you watch TV.

That's the best thing to do.

Hey, I see by the Guide there

that there's a good animal show on,

you know, with that kindly
old gent, "Marlons Perkos."

You can watch that.

He's gonna show you how an anaconda snake

can swallow a whole Brazilian soldier.

[NO AUDIO]

I...

have...

an idea.

You and me...

will go...

to the show.

I will sing...

alone.

You... will play the piano.

But Dr. Shapiro says you shouldn't go out.

I don't think he'd like it either.

Uncle Archie wouldn't like it.

Sew...

what?

So what?

- Oh, you're stuck? - Yeah.

You don't know how to
play this game, do you?

What do you mean?

Don't you know that if you sit stuck here

for seconds or more,

you're allowed to lift
up the first down card?

of clubs.

Play it on the red , huh?

That's cheatin'!

No, it ain't.

That's rules, dummy.

Oh.

Here's your two bottles of rye here, Harry.

You coulda been a sport.

When Edith fell out, you
coulda took her place

and sung a little song with the kid.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] ...to that.

Sorry there.

Let me tell you something.

I'm a businessman, see?

In this world, it's to each its own.

I don't sing, Sinatra don't sell beer.

Well, there's lots of parents there tonight

taking pride in their kids.

You don't understand me.

This kid I got with me sings terrible.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

She's from Edith's side
of the family, ain't she?

God knows they all sing
terrible over there.

And then I got a clue myself
the other night, see?

She's up in the bathtub, she sits down,

and the water's too hot.

She lets out a high note that
went through my head like a nail.

Archie, Archie.

Guess what.

I can guess you got your voice back.

Yeah. Like Aunt Lou when she
got hit by the trolley.

What hit you?

The show.

- Stephanie sang all by herself. - Oh, gee.

And she won first prize, look.

Hey, how's about Stephie
doing a number for us?

- No, no, no. - ALL: Yeah. Go on.

Edith, Edith.

Hey, Edith, some of the customers

might desire otherwise, you know?

- No, no, let her sing.
- Why don't you shut up?

'Cause I'm a / partner.

Oh, yeah?

Well, when they flop over there,

you take over % of my "uwiliaration."

["SISTER KATE" PLAYING]

♪ I wish that I could shimmy
like my sister Kate ♪

♪ Shimmies like jelly on a plate ♪

♪ My mama wanted to know last night ♪

♪ Why all the boys treat
sister Kate so right ♪

♪ Every boy in our neighborhood ♪

♪ Knows that she can shimmy
and it's understood ♪

♪ I know I'm late, but I'll be up-to-date ♪

♪ When I can shimmy like my sister Kate ♪

[PIANO CONTINUES]

♪ I wish that I could shimmy
like my sister Kate ♪

♪ She shimmies like jelly on a plate ♪

♪ My mama wanted to know last night ♪

♪ Why all the boys treat Katie so right ♪

♪ At the corner she goes ♪

♪ Boom shaka laka laka,
Boom shaka laka laka ♪

♪ Very hot ♪

♪ All the boys in our neighborhood ♪

♪ Know she shakes it ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ And it's good ♪

♪ I know I'm late, but I'll be up-to-date ♪

♪ When I can shim-sham-shimmy ♪

♪ Like my sister Kate ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[NO AUDIO]

- Ohh... - Hey--

Could I have a little privacy here?

I'll give you %.

Thanks a lot.

Um...

Is that what you done at your school?

Is that the way you done it over there,

with this "shake a lack" and all of that?

Did they clap for you there
like they done here?

Well... you was pretty good.

And I gotta tell you something.

I'm very sorry that I didn't
go to the school to see you.

[KISS]

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.