09x22 - Retrospective 200th Episode

[bunniefuu]

[d*ck Tufeld] From
the Mark Taper Forum

at the Music Center
in Los Angeles,

welcome to...

Arriving for our celebration

are our viewers from states,

flown to California
especially for this occasion

as guests of All in the Family.

Here are the Willings
from Monroe, Louisiana,

Teri and Glen Anderson
from St. Paul, Minnesota...

Lucille and James Dillon
from Natchez, Mississippi.

Here are Abe and Roz Friedman

from Asheville, North Carolina,

Julie and John Meyer
from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

From Cincinnati, Sue
and Tim DeCoravan,

and from New Orleans, Louisiana,

Mickey and Nora Brukus.

Leonard and Wilma
Jenkins... Lakeview, Ohio.

Steve and Vicky Hollinger...

Sterling, Virginia.

From Gap Mills, West Virginia,

Les and Pat Honaker.

From Terre Haute, Indiana,

Charles and Helen Wood.

Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Davis

from Snake River, Idaho.

From San Francisco,

Pete and Marge Kezios.

John and Evelyn Fosner,
Rock Springs, Wyoming.

From Tampa, Florida,
Jess and Burt Fuller.

From Spearfish, South
Dakota, Greg and Debbie Jainer.

Clement and Dottie Canger
from Knoxville, Tennessee.

Irene and Baron Grey
from Searcy, Arkansas.

Mickey and Marsha Householder

from Hedgesville, West Virginia.

When you got the call that
said you won, what did you do?

She screamed and hollered,
"Pat, you have to take a bath."

I said, "I'm so happy."

I thought this was a hoax.

Seems to me like we're
having our honeymoon

since we didn't
have our honeymoon,

when we got married.

Made some friends that I
hope we can correspond with

for the rest of our lives.

We will never forget
this, and, oh, boy.

Stay with us as
Norman Lear discusses

one of television's most honored,
controversial, and provocative shows,

with your friends and neighbors,

our guests from
across the nation,

featuring choice moments
from episodes

of All in the Family.

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[applause]

And now here is your
host for the evening,

the creator of
All in the Family...

Norman Lear.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening.

Good evening and welcome

to our th
Birthday Celebration

of All in the Family.

There's an ancient Greek
definition of happiness.

It goes, "Happiness is the
exercise of your vital abilities

"along lines of excellence

in a life that
affords them scope."

Tonight I represent or
more very happy people...

Writers, producers,
actors, directors,

staff, and crew,

who since our debut
in January,

have been exercising
their vital abilities

communicating with you,

reaching further and further

to touch your funny bone,

your emotions,

not always succeeding,

but reaching,

in a world that
afforded us the scope.

Now, you viewers provided us

with that world, that scope,

because All in the Family
was anything but a success

when it began,

but weeks into our run,

you discovered it,

and you are the reason
we're here tonight.

We'd like to have invited

all or million of you

to share this moment with us,

but the Bonaventure
Hotel in Los Angeles

was a little uptight about
taking that many reservations.

So what we did instead

was to invite couples,

and there they are,

from states in the nation.

They flew here from Tennessee

and Iowa and Maine and Florida,

from Kentucky and Arizona,

Colorado and New York.

The other half of the
giant collaboration

known as All in the Family...

Our audience.

[applause]

No, no, I'm applauding you.

I... I really just
wanted to applaud you.

Behind me, as I conclude
this very sentence,

you will see Archie
and Edith in bed

There they are,

Archie and Edith in bed,

not a big deal, granted,

but married folk, even a
handful of unmarried folk

have been sleeping together
since the dawn of time.

Before January, ,

television comedy
didn't reflect that fact.

Anyway, as we mulled
over episodes,

there were a thousand
ways to begin to discuss them.

We settled for the simplest...

Archie and Edith in one
of our very favorite scenes.

- Mmmmm...
- There, all right, Edith.

There, uh... uh, Edith,

Edith, Edith, Edith,

you know, it's been a
long kind of nervous day.

You know what I mean?

So what do you say
we just, you know...

I'll put the paper down,

and then you just go over there,

way over there.

We'll just go sleepy bye, huh?

But remember,

whatever happens,

I love you.

I love you, Edith.

Truly.

Thank you. Thank you.

[Edith] ♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly dear ♪

♪ Life with its sorrow ♪

♪ Life with its tear ♪

♪ Fades into dreams ♪

♪ When I know you're near ♪

- ♪ For I love you truly ♪
- Hold it, hold it, geez.

♪ Truly dear ♪

[muttering] Edit,
joo, joo, joo, joo, joo,

Edith, Edith, come
on, darling, listen.

I know you're singing,

and you know you're singing,

but the neighbors are liable
to think I'm torturing you.

Oh, no.

Oh, you could
never do that, Archie.

I know that. Yeah, I know that.

Uh...

Uh, Edith, there...

I'll tell you the truth, Edith.

I ain't myself, you know.

What I mean is

let's not start something
that I can't finish.

Okay, Edith? Okay?

How thin the line is
between laughter and tears.

We humans are
fragile, and we're foolish,

so the humor in
life doesn't cease

when we are suffering

any more than it
stops being serious

when we are
laughing the hardest.

That's why, from
the very beginning,

All in the Family chose to
deal with human problems

that concern us all.

Ma, something's
wrong. I know you.

Why does everybody around here

think they know me?

Remember, Gloria,

deep waters run very still.

But Ma...

I've known me

a lot longer than you have,

so don't go around
saying you know me.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to upset you.

I got a lump in my breast.

What did you just say?

- I got a lump in...
- Oh, Ma...

That's the first time
I said it out loud.

What was it you
wanted to ask me?

I'm afraid, if I
have this operation,

Archie won't think of
me in the same way.

Oh, Edith, stop
scaring yourself.

Archie loves you, and
nothing's going to change that.

But I'm going to change a lot.

Listen, even if you have
to have the operation,

it's still going
to be all right.

Believe me.

You don't know.

That's just the point,
Edith. I do know.

I know.

You mean, you?

Six years ago.

And you see how
Frank and I get along?

It hasn't made
one bit of difference

in our marriage.

Don't bother looking, Edith.

I... I wasn't.

You're coming home
tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Edith, they told
me you had cancer.

I thought I did, too, Archie,

but it was just a little cyst,

and the surgeon got
rid of it just like that.

Oh.

So what are you laying here for?

Well, when they told me
everything was all right,

I got so excited,

I jumped off the
examining table,

and I broke my ankle.

What are you going to do to me?

Just exactly what you
think I'm going to do to you.

[gasps] No, you
wouldn't do that. No.

- No, you wouldn't...
- Yeah, I will.

[Edith screams]

Hey, knock it off. Knock it off.

All right, just
stay quiet, okay?

What are you going to do?

You aren't taking off
your clothes, are you?

Yeah. Then I'm
going to take yours off.

Wouldn't you like a
cup of coffee instead?

I don't drink coffee.

I got Sanka.

Lady, you're stalling, and it
ain't going to do you any good.

Now, this is going to happen,

so just relax, okay?

Listen, I gotta get out of here.

See, I gotta get ready

for my birthday party.

Happy birthday.

[gasps] Thank you.

Couldn't we do
this without kissing?

Yeah, yeah, okay,

but you're going to
change your mind.

Oh, there's something
burning in the kitchen.

What is it?

It's in the kitchen.

All right, all right, come
on, come on, come on.

There's something
burning in the kitchen.

[screams, crying]
There's a fire.

Fire! Oh!

My birthday cake!

[crying] My birthday
cake burning!

Lady, get rid of it.

Get rid of it.

[man grunts]

Oh, yeah, now I see what
your idea of a free country is.

You're free to say
anything you want,

but if anyone
disagrees with you,

they're either thrown into jail
or called a meathead, right?

That's right 'cause this is
America, land that I love.

I love it, too, Mr. Bunker.

It's because I do that I protest
when I think things are wrong.

And stand beside
her and guide her...

The right to dissent is the principle
from which this country was based.

Through the night from above.

Listen to me. It's
in the Bill of Rights.

From the mountains
to the prairies...

Why do you think we broke
away from England to begin with?

- Because we didn't agree
with them!
- to the oceans...

- We demanded freedom!
- White with foam.

It's guys like you... It's guys like
you who don't listen to reason.

God bless America,
you dumb Polack.

You're prejudiced!
You're prejudiced!

- My home sweet home.
- [all yelling]

Not anymore! I'm leaving!

- ♪ God bless America ♪
- You're prejudiced!

- Archie.
- Get away from me.

♪ My home ♪

♪ Sweet home ♪

Seven years ago,

in September of ,

the cover story of Time magazine

showed a photograph
of Archie Bunker,

Fred Sanford, and Maude,

and the banner headline
above them read,

"The New TV Season...

Toppling Old Taboos."

Inside the article
recalled the time,

not too many years before,

when Jack Paar walked
off The Tonight Show

because NBC had
edited out one line,

a reference to
the initials W.C.,

meaning "water closet,"

the British
expression for toilet.

- [laughter]
- They also recalled

the time in

when Petula Clark momentarily
rested her white hand

on the black arm of
guest star Harry Belafonte

in a TV special
that they were doing,

and a major automobile
company struggled for weeks

to have the moment
cut out of the broadcast.

Time magazine went on to say,

"That was the way it was

"on network entertainment shows.

"Blacks were visible
but untouchable,

"and bathrooms
simply did not exist.

"By and large any
subjects were fair game

"except those that bore

on the reality of
viewer's lives,"

end of quote.

There's Archie and Mike.

They argued about everything

that bore on the
reality of their lives.

A conservative
has been described

as a man with two
perfectly good legs,

who has never learned
to walk forward...

[laughter]

and a liberal...

A person whose interests

don't happen to be at
stake at the moment.

As Archie and Mike
debated the issues,

we tried to keep the
political arguments

as even handed as
those descriptions.

We tried, but being human,

we make no claim to
have totally succeeded.

I still got faith in Nixon.

Which one?

Whatta you mean, which one?

- The Nixon who knew
why we should be in Vietnam?
- Yes.

The Nixon who
knew all the reasons

- we had to be friends
with Russia and China?
- Yes.

The Nixon who knew
all the secret reasons

- we had to keep bombing
Cambodia?
- Yeah, damn right.

The Nixon who didn't know a
single thing about Watergate?

Watergate again!

Archie, when are you gonna...
When are you gonna stop

with this commie jazz?

It's all over, Arch.

The Red Scare kaput.

Nixon's going to
Peking, remember?

Hold it, buddy.
He ain't there yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

Five Presidents
have been warning us

for the last years

against them Red chinks,

and nobody's going to tell me

that the signals is off now

and a billion enemies
is now our friends.

Oh, no, Mr. Nixon

has got something up the sleeve.

Yeah, like recommending

they be admitted to the U.N.

Oh, that would be the day

when this country sits down

with a nation of chink
ping-pong players

who don't believe in God.

Those fireside chats
kept this country informed,

and one "My friends"
from Roosevelt

was worth a barrel full of "Let
me make this perfectly clears."

Oh...

now you're rapping
my President, huh?

Well, let me tell you one
thing about Richard E. Nixon.

He knows how to
keep his wife Pat home.

Roosevelt could never
do that with Eleanor.

She was always out on the loose,

running around
with the coloreds,

telling them they was getting
the short end of the stick.

She was the one that discovered
the coloreds in this country.

We never knew they was there.

Hey, don't blame
the college kids.

Put the blame for
unemployment where it belongs,

right at the White House door.

Well, don't blame
President Ford, will you?

The man's doing a hell of a job

for a guy nobody voted for.

I hate that jerk on TV!

Oh, I get it. I get it.

When you thought he
was talking about VD

and a permissive society,
he was smart, huh?

You find out he's talking
about g*n control, he's a jerk?

That's right, and I'm
going to prove it to you.

How many people in this U.S.
of A. would like to have g*ns?

Too many, thousands.

But how many people
would like to have VD?

There's the poor
man out in California.

He's out of a job.

He's got that big house to
maintain in San Clemency.

What about the rest of the
people in this country, huh, Arch?

Ford promised no more
secrets, no more surprises.

What does he do? He turns
around and pardons Nixon.

He done that under
direct orders, buddy boy.

From who?

God.

Arch, we want to watch
the election returns.

You care more
about a lousy movie

than you do a
Presidential election?

Certainly. What do I care about something
I know how it's going to come out?

Everybody know how
it's gonna come out,

including them McGovern people.

See them on the news reels with
all the worried looks on their faces?

Yeah. Yeah, not the Nixons.

See the picture of
Pat in the paper today?

She was all smiles.

Yeah, well, maybe she
won't be smiling tomorrow.

Yeah, she will, buddy boy,

because when she wakes
up tomorrow morning,

she knows she's been sleeping

with the President
of the U.S. of A.

Is she going to
McGovern's place,

or is he going to hers?

Robert Frost said,
"The middle of the road

"is where the white line is...

And that's the
worst place to drive."

There were no
middle-of-the-roaders at the Bunkers',

and we've come in for our share

of criticism about that.

Some people feel that neither
the characters nor the show

had a right to express
a point of view.

Well, throughout
the ' s and ' s

there were dozens
of television comedies

in which there were
no topical references,

no political discussions,

no mention of a current event,

and we've often thought,

by the very
omission of all reality,

those programs were
expressing a point of view, too.

They were telling us, "You have
no problem between the races.

"There is no inflation,

"no such thing as
recession, no unemployment.

"There are no problems
with the poor or the elderly,

"women are not seeking equality,

and we are not in
trouble in Vietnam."

To us, the omission
of all social awareness

on the TV comedies
of the ' s and '

just might have expressed
a stronger point of view

than any subject we
may have touched

in / years.

And speaking of Vietnam,

as Archie and Mike
wrestled with the problem,

so did the rest of us,

not that Archie faced his
feelings about Vietnam voluntarily.

He met them head on
at his own dinner table.

It was Christmas .

How do you like
that, Pinky, huh?

We got a draft dodger here,

writes a snotty letter to
the Commander in Chief.

I mean, what the hell
do you do with that?

Look, Mr. Bunker, I don't want
to spoil your Christmas dinner,

so maybe I should go.

Oh, no.

Daddy, don't let him
go. Don't make him...

Certainly he's got to go!

What are you talking about?

The FBI was to find him here,

we could all be having
Christmas dinner in the hoosegow.

Daddy, it's Christmas Eve.

Now, don't go making
a big crisis out of it.

Look, Arch, what David
did took a lot of guts.

What do you mean, a lot of guts?

If my own father doesn't
understand, why should he?

When the hell are
you going to admit

that the w*r was wrong?

I ain't talking about that w*r.

I don't want to talk about
that rotten damn w*r no more!

I'm talking about
something else!

And what he done was wrong!

Saying he won't go.

What do you think, that
all the people of this country

can say whether or not
they want to go to w*r?

You couldn't get a decent
w*r off the ground that way.

All the young
people would say no.

Sure they would

because they don't
want to get k*lled.

And that's why we
leave it to the Congress,

because them old crocks
ain't gonna get k*lled.

And they're going
to do the right thing

and get behind the
President and vote yes.

Arch, if my opinion
is of any importance...

Certainly your
opinion is important.

A gold star father.

Your opinion is more important

than anybody else in this room,

and I want to hear that opinion,

and I want these young
people here to hear that opinion.

Now, you tell them,
Pinky. You tell them.

I understand how you feel, Arch.

My kid hated the w*r, too,

but he did what he
thought he had to do,

and David here did what
he thought he had to do.

But David's alive to share
Christmas dinner with us,

and if Steve were here,
he'd want to sit down with him,

and that's what I want to do.

Merry Christmas, David.

Merry Christmas, sir.

- Daddy...
- No, no, no, no.

Archie, please,
sit down and eat.

[muttering] No, no, no, no.

But, Archie, it's Christmas.

I can't.

I gotta work this out, Edith.

I can't think about that.

But, Archie, you
asked Pinky what to do,

and you see what he's doing?

You ought to do the same.

Come on.

There's a drumstick for you.

Oh, Edith, I...

I ain't thinking
about eating, geez.

I'll take it, Ma.

Leave it on the plate.
Leave it on the plate.

Um...

I don't want to stop
none of youse from...

eating Edith's nice
Christmas dinner here.

So you might as well eat it,

but I'll tell you one thing.

When dinner's over,

I still gotta work this out.

You better remind
me to do that, Edith.

Oh, I will.

Eat, eat, eat, eat.

We now rejoin the th
Episode Celebration

of All in the Family.

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

This is Edith Bunker,
Hauser Street.

Would you please call
us as soon as you can

because my hu...

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

This is Edith Bunker,
Hauser Street.

Would you please call
us as soon as you can

because my husband Archie Bunker

thinks he got
infectious hepat...

Hello, Dr. Shapiro. This is
Edith Bunker, Hauser Street.

[not audible]

What the hell are
you doing over there?

I'm talking to a tape recorder.

They say give the
message when it beeps,

but they don't give you
enough time between beeps.

Give me that telephone!

Who else...

Who else but Edith Bunker

would try to make peace

with a telephone
answering machine?

George Bernard Shaw once said

that Christianity
might be a good thing

if anyone ever tried it.

Well, Edith has tried it.

Edith Bunker lives it.

Is it my deal?

No, wait a minute.
Forget the deal.

You don't play that bad.

You gave me this
of spades on purpose.

- I did?
- Yeah, you did.

Now, why did you do that?

Well, Archie,

I thought it would
make you feel better

if I let you win.

What?

That would be the day

when I gotta win by
you letting me win.

I was winning here
before you let me win.

You know what you done
now? You spoiled the game.

I don't want to play
with you no more.

You want to do
something together?

Do something
together by yourself.

Archie, I'm sorry.

I thought I was
doing a good thing.

Oh, sure, good thing.

That's you all over,

always doing good.

Edith the good.

You never get mad at nobody.

You never holler at nobody.

You never swear, no nothing.

You're like a saint, Edith.

You think it's fun
living with a saint?

It ain't. It ain't at all.

Look at this. You
don't even cheat to win.

You cheat to lose.

I mean, Edith, you ain't human.

That's a terrible thing to say.

I'm just as human as you are.

Prove you're just
as human as me.

Do something rotten.

All right, I will.

You're a...

You're... You're a...

Ohh!

[groans]

I can't.

I know you can't.

You can't do nothing
that ain't good.

You ain't... You ain't human.

I am so, human!

How can you say that I'm
not after years of marriage?

How can you stand there
and say I'm not human?

- [crying]
- Oh, geez, now you're
going to cry, there, Edith.

I can't help it. That was
a terrible thing to say.

I can't stand here and fight
with you if you're going to cry.

I can't help it.

You say you're sorry,
and I'll stop crying.

- [crying]
- Stop that.

Stop that.

Archie, things will never
be the same between us

if you don't say you're sorry.

- Are you going
to stop crying?
- I can't.

Then that's it.

Archie, where are you going?

I'm going to go out.

Archie, please,
say you're sorry.

I'll give you one more
chance to stop crying.

- You going to stop?
- I can't.

Then that's it. Pushed
me too far, Edith.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

What's your secret?

Oh, I ain't got no secret.

Archie and me still have fights,

but we don't let
them go on too long.

Somebody always
says, "I'm sorry,"

and Archie always
says, "That's okay, Edith."

And then we forget it.

No, Edith, that's
not what I mean.

I mean, you must be
doing something right

when you go to bed at night.

We go to sleep.

No, no, Edith.
Nothing... Nothing more?

Well, nothing more
than we've been doing

since the minister
said we could.

But, Edith, do you see
pinwheels and sky rockets

and fireworks like
the Fourth of July?

With me and Archie,

it's more like Thanksgiving.

Archie, a present for me?

Certainly. Open it up.

Oh, very surprised.

Oh, Archie,

a Lady Gillette.

Oh.

Yeah, well, the drug store

was the only joint
open this time of night.

Thank you.

You like it?

Who wouldn't?

What about you two?

What happened
on your first date?

Make believe
you don't hear that.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

Try.

I was at the Puritan
Maid ice cream parlor...

Don't make it a
long story, will you?

Yeah, me and my cousin Mort.

[whining] Mort.

We was having
one of their specials.

It was called a Steamboat.

Oh, it was so delicious...

Five different flavors,

and Archie was
sitting at another table,

with that fellow
Jefferson Pratt.

Remember him?

Anyway, Archie was
trying to get my attention.

So first he put two straws
in his nose like a Walrus.

- And then...
- [applause]

[no audible dialogue]

No, anyplace you
want to, Archie.

Come on. Tell me, where
would you like to take me?

Well, I would like to
take you out to the kitchen

and introduce you to
some pots and pans.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I see.

You don't wanna take me
with you when you get out

'cause you wanna
get away from me.

- Oh, Edith, geez.
- Is that right?

- Ain't that the truth?
- Edith.

It's the truth,
ain't it, Archie?

Ed... All right.
You want the truth?

I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is, that's the truth.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Well, now, Edith,
I said sometimes.

I said sometimes there.

Don't go falling
apart on me, will you?

We're married years there.

Don't mess around
with a perfect marriage.

Where you going?

I'm going out.

Edith, what are
you talking about?

Where you going alone?

See, Archie,

I gotta get away
from you tonight.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Edith, Edith, Edith,

I asked you where you was going.

Where are you going?

I'm going where the action is.

[audience applauding, cheering]

[people whistling]

I'm gonna thank
God... Thank God.

Thanks. You're okay in my book.

No, really, Edith.
Now, we gotta have

- a little thankfulness
around here, you know?
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, church on Sunday, huh?

- Oh, Archie,
that would be nice.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I'll
even go with ya.

[applause]

The fact that Archie never
went to church very much

never kept him from his
own interpretation of the Bible.

Of course, people have
been interpreting the Bible

for their own
purposes for centuries.

But none of them
could've done so

with any more passion
or any more convolution

than Abe Bunker, from
the vicinity of his chair,

at Hauser Street, Queens.

Let me tell you something.

When the missionaries
went into darkest Africa

to bring God to the natives,

you think they asked
their permission?

Like hell. They dragged
them out of the trees

and right down to the river,

and they held them under there

until they seen the light.

And the natives
was glad about that,

because that's the
way they found God.

And then later on,

when they was chained to
the bottom of the sl*ve ships,

why, they was happy
because they had somebody

to pray to there, see?

Which proves that for
everybody's own good,

you gotta use force.

That's the Christian way.

Edith, do you know
where God sends people

who dares go against His will?

- Where?
- To hell, hell, hell!

Now, Edith, he sent down
plagues on you, Edith.

Thousands of "berls"
like he put onto Job there,

and locusts there
to rip up your lung

and eat your hedges there,

and then send down
hailstones as big as baseballs

to bust your roof out there.

He could ram you within
the belly of a whale.

If God gets sore
enough with you, Edith,

he could your
jawbone into an ass.

If God had meant man to fight,

why didn't he put g*ns
in the Garden of Eden?

Who the hell is Adam
gonna sh**t, Eve?

And why is he gonna
do that anyway?

'Cause she's gotta help
him populate the world

and make his breakfast for him.

And when the world
gets population enough,

and you got enough people
in the world to make armies,

then God sent down a way
that they could invent the g*n.

And I think that German
preacher Martin "Luger"

made the first one.

I swear, I think you do
these things sometimes

just to eat my heart out.

And that's what
you do, you know.

Little by little,
piece by piece,

you eat my heart out.

I don't care.

Well, you're not gonna
get away with this.

- What are you
gonna do about it?
- This.

Watergate, Watergate, Watergate,
Watergate, Watergate, Watergate!

- Watergate, Watergate,
Watergate, Watergate!
- Don't say that no more!

g*dd*mn it!

What happened to you?

- You shouldn't swear like that.
- I didn't swear.

- You shouldn't swear like that.
- I didn't swear.

- You swore, you swore.
- I did not. I did not.

Ever since this Watergate thing,

it's "G.D. this and G.D. that."

That ain't swearing,
Edith... G.D.

The first word there
is "God," ain't it?

How can that be a swear word...

The most popular
word in the Bible?

The second word...
That's "damn."

That's a perfectly good word.
You hear that all the time.

Like, uh, they dammed the
river to keep it from flooding, see?

And even in the Bible,
you read where some guy

is damned for
cheating or stealing

or committing
"insects" in the family.

And who damned
them? Who else? God!

God damned him!

Edith, beautiful words
right out of the holy book.

Don't show your ignorance.

[applause]

Archie... Archie
could use the Bible

to rationalize his
poorest behavior.

Nothing new in that.

Nothing new in using the
Bible to rationalize bigotry either.

Has the presence on television
of Archie Bunker, the bigot,

helped to assuage the
problem of bigotry in our society?

Or has it reinforced it?

The question has
been raised often,

and we don't know the answer.

But we're convinced
that part of it rests

in how smart we perceive
the American people to be.

The social critic H.L. Mencken

may have done us a great
harm when he quipped,

"No one ever lost money

underestimating the intelligence
of the American people."

I think we're all losers

every time our
leaders believe that.

Anyway, however
much we may laugh

at the way Archie expresses
his outrageous prejudices,

and however loveable he
may be in other respects,

we are content that the
American people know very well

that Archie Bunker, the bigot,

is basically a horse's ass.

[laughter]

Are you telling me the Pope
gets a kickback on chain letters?

Well, I didn't say that,
but figure it out yourself.

He lives in a big
palace, don't he?

Got about a thousand
dollars' worth of paintings

on the ceiling alone.

He's got a ring bigger
than Elizabeth "Taylorses."

And he dresses better
than Jackie "Manasses."

You don't pay for all that
stuff selling meatballs.

Oh, no. I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning, I gotta
get myself a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always
have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer?
Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm gonna sue
an "Ayrab," I'm gonna get a guy

that's full of hate.

Just because a guy is
sensitive and he's an intellectual,

and he wears glasses,
you make him out a q*eer.

I never said a guy who
wears glasses is a q*eer.

A guy who wears
glasses is a four-eyes.

A guy who is a f*g is a q*eer.

They like to be called
Chicanos, all right?

Aw, who cares? What's
in a name anyhow, huh?

In my day, nobody went
around calling themselves

Chicano, Mexican-Americans,
Afro-Americans.

We was all Americans.

After that, if a guy was a jig or
a spic, it was his own business.

His wife, Ramona, told him.

And she got it straight
from their own doctor,

a regular white guy.

Nothing personal. I
mean, you understand me.

- Oh, sure. I understand you.
- Yeah.

Them white doctors,
they sure knows their stuff.

Boy, that Marcus Welby,

he must make million
house calls a week.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[whoops]

[applause]

[chuckles]

Where does... Where does
Archie's prejudice come from?

Where does anyone's
prejudice come from?

Oscar Hammerstein told us

you've got to be
carefully taught.

Archie and Mike
were stuck one night

in the storeroom
of Archie's bar.

It was cold, and they
had been drinking.

So I couldn't go to school
with only one shoe, see?

But my mother...
She found a boot.

So I had a shoe
on one foot there,

and a boot on the other.

A shoe and a boot. Shoe, boot.

So the kids called
me Shoebootie.

The kids all made
fun of you, huh?

Yeah, they all made fu...

Well, all except one little black
kid by the name of Winston.

A black kid liked you?

No, the black kid
b*at the hell outta me.

Why?

I... I don't know. Nothing much.

Well, he must've had a reason.

Well, he said that I
said he was a n*gg*r.

Well, did you?

Sure.

Well, then that's the reason.

What the hell reason was that?

That's what all them people
was called in them days there.

I mean, everybody we knew
called them people n*gg*r*s.

That's all my old man
ever called them there.

Did you ever think that possibly

your father just might be wrong?

Wrong... my old
man? Don't be stupid.

My old man... Let
me tell you about him.

He was never
wrong about nothing.

- Yes, he was, Arch.
- Huh?

Father who made you...

wrong?

Your father,

the breadwinner
in the house there,

the man who goes out

and busts his butt to
keep a roof over your head

and clothes on your back...

You call your father wrong?

Hey, hey, your father...

Your father...

That's the man that comes home,

bringing you candy.

Your father's the first guy
to throw a baseball to you

and take you for walks

in the park,

hold me by the hand.

My father held me by the hand.

Oh, hey.

My father had a hand on him...

Oh, I tell you.

He busted that had once,

and he busted it on me

to teach me to do good.

Hmm?

My father... he
shoved me in the closet

for seven hours to
teach me to do good

'cause he loved me.

He loved me.

Don't be looking at me!

[grumbles]

Aah.

Let me tell you something.

You're supposed
to love your father

'cause your father loves you.

Now, how can any
man that loves you

tell you anything that's wrong?

What's the use in talking?

[muttering]

[grunts]

[mutters]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Good night, Shoebootie.

Thank you.

There was a time
when All in the Family

could not be seen on
television before : p.m.

The network hierarchy
wanted to protect children

from its frank language,

which could be heard,
of course, any day,

on any school playground
anywhere in the country.

Children also needed protection,

these executives thought,
from the candid way

we handled human sexuality.

How much protection this
afforded children we don't know,

since the very same
shows were being run

five times a week, in the
middle of the afternoon anyway.

We mention this not
to berate the network,

but to point up the
schizophrenic attitude

about sex that
pervades our society,

right up to, and including,

some of the nation's
most prominent executives.

If they can't deal with,

what then should we expect
from an Edith or Archie Bunker

as they attempt to
deal with the problems

of human sexuality
in their lives.

Ma, did you ever wonder if
Daddy stopped loving you?

Is that what's bothering you?

You think your father
don't love me no more?

No, Ma, it's not Daddy
I'm thinking about,

it's Michael.

Michael. Why would
Michael love me no more?

No, Ma, the problem's
between Michael and me.

Oh. Well, what is it?

Ma, you know I can't tell
you about a sexual problem.

- Sexu...
- Yes.

Can I?

Why not?

I mean, I'm your mother,

and if you have a
problem about s...

S-something to do with...

one of those problems,

you can tell me.

All right. It's Michael.

You see, lately,
we've been apart.

Why?

Well, lately, he
hasn't been able to...

You see, I can't tell you.

Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.

It's crazy.

The longer it goes on,
the more worried he gets

and the more guilty about
himself and the more angry at me.

Oh, well, don't worry.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

I have a call into Dr. Kermit.

Maybe he'll know what's wrong.

Oh, sure. He'll know.

It's probably just something
that's going around.

What's the problem
with them two?

Well, Archie, I don't
know the whole story, but...

Oh, I just can't tell you.

You just don't like to
hear about such things.

I like to hear about everything
that's going on in this house.

Now, what kind of a
problem have they got?

Well, it's sexual.

Shush.

You know I don't like to
hear nothing about that there.

You better hear
about this, Archie.

Well, all right.
You can tell me.

But start slow.

Don't put in nothing extra, see?

And I'll say "stop"
when I know what it is.

Well...

You remember you once told me

about a fella, Petie Simpson,

who came back from the w*r?

Stop. I know what it is.

- And he wasn't able to...
- Stop! I know what it is.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, nah, Edith.
- Oh, yeah.

Gloria told me.

And she was there.

I don't have a
condition, I'm pregnant.

Don't say that.

Can't you say you're expecting?

Geez, "pregnant" sounds
like you done something.

We did.

When I was a little girl and a
woman was starting to show,

they used to say she was
expecting a bundle from heaven.

But, of course, everybody
knew it was really a baby.

I wish we could get
back to them days.

What this world needs is
a little more of that class.

Well, here and before, when we
talk about Gloria's condition now,

we're just gonna
say she's expecting.

Or in a family way.

Or with child.

How do you feel
about "knocked up"?

Edith, read a magazine.

- All right.
- [grunts]

Maybe I shouldn't
look at this one, Archie.

Aw, read it, read it, read it.

[sighs]

Gimme that!

Turn around and drop your pants.

Come on. You're a lady.

I'm a registered nurse.

Believe me, yours
won't be my first.

Drop 'em.

You mean all the way down?

Mr. Bunker, I have
patients waiting out there!

All right, all right.
Don't yell at me, huh?

Geez.

Now the shorts.

You know, uh...

I hate to say
this, but a nice girl

would sh**t me
through the shorts.

The shorts.

Oh, geez.

I feel like a flasher.

Don't be embarrassed,
Mr. Bunker.

To me, it's just another
face in the crowd.

Agh! Oh! Mm!

[applause]

Cut it out, will you? Tell
her [blows raspberry]!

I will not.

All right. Then you tell he
that. You do that pretty good.

I won't go [blows
raspberry] to my mother.

Why the hell not?

You go [blows raspberry] to
your father every chance you get.

I only go [blows
raspberry] to you

when you go [blows
raspberry] to me.

Well, [blows raspberry] to the
whole damn bunch of youse!

[blows raspberry]

[applause]

A lot... A lot has been made

of the decibel level
on All in the Family.

They shout too much.

The complaint is legitimate,

unless you happen
to come from a family

who lives at the
top of their lungs

and the ends of their nerves.

Those of you who do know
such a family might agree

that the unbridled passion
of the Bunkers and the Stivics

is more than just loud,

there's also a
celebration of life.

But don't let me
talk you into it.

That's just the way we feel.

Gloria... Gloria, just because
I wanna show you my love,

that doesn't mean that you
have to go and get pregnant!

- What do you mean, me?
- Ow!

Gee, you think I can get
pregnant all by myself?

Ow!

I'm tired of being the one that
has to take all of the precautions.

- Ow!
- Why don't you do something
about it for a change?

Because it doesn't
work if I take the pill!

There are other methods!

[choking]

Gloria, you know

that you hate male
contraceptives as much as I do!

Now, I know it's not fair for the
woman to take all the precautions!

But that's the way things are!

You were born with all the
parts that need protection!

Yeah, because you were born with
all the parts we need protection from!

Let go of me!

Ohh!

What the hell is going on here?

Now, I am sorry,

but I have had it.

I have no more
remembering to take the pill,

no IUDs, no nothing.

From now on,

it is up to you, buster.

Up to me?

Yeah.

If you're the one
that's so gung ho

about not bringing any
more children in this world,

then do something about it.

Get a vasectomy.

Ow!

Hello, Archie. How was your day?

Does that answer your question?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Would it make you feel
any better if I told you

that today is Henry
Mancini's birthday?

Oh, hello, Gloria. How
was your day at work?

Lousy, Ma. I'm telling you,

it's a city full of
weirdoes out there.

Oh, Ma...

Ma...

To begin with, it was
sales day at the store.

Do you have any
idea what % off

does to nice, normal women?

It turns them into
raving lunatics.

Did you ever see a size fatso
trying to zip herself into a size ?

- No, but I remember...
- Ma! I'm talking, Ma.

Now, if that wasn't bad enough,

coming home on the bus I
felt like a sardine in a can.

And lucky me, I got to be
standing right next to a groper.

He made me feel like a
fresh loaf of Wonder Bread.

Oh, my.

I tell you, the only good thing
about getting on a bus nowadays

is knowing that
you're getting off again.

Hold it. Hold it
there, little girl.

I can hear them complaints
all the way up in the terlet.

Listen, you ain't be working
long enough to know,

but when you come
home at the end of the day,

you're supposed to leave
your troubles outside the door.

You come in with a
cheerful word and a smile.

Don't be bringing your burdens in
here and dumping them on your mother.

Will you get
supper on the table?

Give me that now.
Give me that now.

No.

Oh, ain't that lovely?

- Give me that.
- Oh, no!

- Give me... Give me that!
- Oh, no! No, no!

- Oh, oh, oh!
- [yells]

Where did you learn a
low-class dodge like that?

Oh, that's a high-class dodge.

Bette Davis done it.

And Joan Crawford
and Claudette Colbert,

Loretta Young...
They all done this.

[mimicking] They all done this.

Well, Clark Gable
and Spencer Tracy

and Tyrone Power and Archie
Bunker... we all done this here!

- Oh, no! [yelling]
- Gimme that! Give it!

- Give it! Give me that!
- No!

Edith!

Gimme that!

Come on now! Come on now, Edith!

- Edith! Edith!
- Ohh. Ohh.

- I want it!
- No! I ain't giving to you.

Edith, I gotta have it!

You're an animal.

- Oh, inhale, exhale.
- [inhales, exhales]

Inhale. Swallow. Push.

- Here it is. Here it is.
- Two, three, four...

- The head is coming.
- The head is coming.

- Six, seven, eight.
- Take it nice and easy.

- [inhales]
- One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

- That-a-girl. That-a-girl.
- Okay. Okay.

- Keep pushing.
- One, two, three...

- Like stepping on
the accelerator of a car.
- four, five...

I don't drive.

Keep pushing. Did you hear that?

You hear what she said?
She said she doesn't drive.

She's sitting here panting and
pushing, and she's making jokes!

Isn't she terrific?
She's terrific!

Terrific, honey! Just terrific!
Isn't she terrific! She's terrific!

Keep calm, Mr. Stivic.

We haven't lost a father yet.

Did you hear what
she said, honey?

We haven't lost a father
yet! Isn't she terrific?

- Everybody's terrific!
- [Doctor] Gloria,
you're doing fine.

- Okay, honey.
- Fine.

Now stop pushing
and look at the mirror.

Just blow, honey.
Just blow. Don't push.

- Blow. Blow.
- Now the head is coming.

- Here's the head.
- Oh!

- Beautiful! Beautiful!
- Is it a boy or a girl?

I can't tell from just the ears.

[Mike] Let me hold
your head, sweetie.

Gloria, Gloria, just
one more little push.

- One little push, honey. One little push.
- Okay.

- You have a son.
- We have a son!

- Aah!
- A healthy son.

We have a son!

We have a son!

We have a son!

[applause]

Mr. Archie Bunker?

Who is it, Edith?

Just a minute.

It sounds like the operator.

It's for Mr. Archie Bunker.

What is it, a
long-distance call?

That's what it sounds like.

[clearing throat] Hello.

This is Archie
Bunker here. Yeah.

Huh?

Will I hold for Eddie Frazier?

Sure, I'll hold
for Eddie Frazier.

Hey, Edith, it's Eddie Frazier.

He must be calling me from
the Coast to find out about...

Hello? Yeah, I'm holding.

Here. Edith, you take this thing.
Keep the line alive, will you?

He's calling me from California.

A guy worth million dollars!

[toilet flushes]

Just... Yes.

Just a minute now.
He's right here.

Mr. Bunker had to
answer another call.

[applause]

The toilet flush.

I guess nothing we have
done on All in the Family

has offended some people more

than our occasional
use of bathroom humor.

We never did it to offend.

We did it because we
found it funny and dear.

The very first laugh that a
parent shares with a child

probably has something to do

with the child's
toilet training.

You remember.

So we have never understood why

such sweet shared moments

should lose any
of their sweetness

when we laugh at them
together as grown-ups.

There we go.

Now we get it off there.

Now we get it off...

It's okay. It's okay.

Only take a minute here.

There we go. Yeah.

Now we get it all together here.

Now, I'll be right with
you. Now don't move.

[crying]

Okay, okay. I ain't
leaving the room.

Here we are. This
is gonna feel good.

We get it all wiped off.

Won't it... Take it
easy. Take it easy there.

Getting it all wiped off.

Get it nice and clean there.

And, uh... And then we, uh...

Aahh.

Yeah, we got a didey
coming for you now.

Yeah. It's a nice clean one.

- [cries]
- Okay. Take it easy there.

Now...

[applause]

There you have it.

There you have
it. Our critics new

that All in the Family would
finally come to this one day...

Frontal nudity.

- [laughter]
- Actually, when the network

first saw the script that
called for this scene,

they did come to
us with a problem.

They wanted to be sure that
when Archie diapered the baby,

we cut about here
so that his hands

and the infant's parts
were out of camera range.

We asked why, and the individual

that came to
laughed, and he said,

"Come on. You know why.
You can't do that on television.

"There's gonna be a
tremendous knee-jerk reaction

in the middle of the country."

It's always the
middle of the country

that won't understand, they say.

But the middle of the
country survived that shock,

and that one state
seceded from the Union.

[laughter]

All of this raises an
important question

for all of us, however.

Do we want television
to be free enough

to provoke and
stimulate and irritate

and even offend us sometimes?

Or do we want such freedom

declared a misuse of the medium

and thereby lose the opportunity

to share, either with
delight or dismay,

such real moments

as the one taking
place behind me?

Right there, boy.

[muttering]

I got a hell of a job here.

[baby crying]

Over there, okay?

That's okay.

I'll take care of you
in a minute here.

Get this down here.

Tape that over
there and over there.

You'll be real safe, all right?

There.

Hang on there.

There you go. Okay, kid?

Before we bring out the
stars of All In the Family,

we'd like to close
as we began...

With one of our
very favorite scenes.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, Gloria.

Hey.

I love you, Daddy.

Uh, your daddy certainly
loves you, little girl.

[horn honks]

- No!
- Here.

The taxi meter's running
out there, you know?

You... You better call them
two out of the kitchen, huh?

Yeah. Go do that.

M-Michael, the
cab driver's honking.

Okay, honey.

You want to take Joey?

- Joey!
- Come on, Joey.

- Goodbye, Joey.
- Say goodbye to Grandma.

- Here, say goodbye to Grandpa.
- So long, Joe.

- Put your coat on.
- So long, Joe.

- Goodbye.
- So long, Joe.

Remember Grandma loves you.

- I love you, Mike.
- I love you, Ma.

Hey, uh, the taxi meter's
running on there, you know.

It's got to be at least
a $ ride out there.

You don't want to
add to it, you know.

No use in doing that, you know.

They charge you
enough for them rides.

Yeah, yeah.

Gloria! Gloria!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye, Joey.

- Goodbye, Mike.
- Bye, Ma.

I...

- Arch...
- Hey, listen,

have a good trip there, huh?

Have a good trip.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.

I know you always
thought I hated you...

[Archie] Oh, shh.

But I love you.

Hey, uh, you be sure
and send postcards

every now and then, will you?

Because your
mother-in-law, she's...

She's gonna...

She's gonna want to
know that you're all right.

You know?

Well, it's a good sky.

Uh, take off and
have a good trip.

Yeah. Bye, Arch.

[taxi motor starts]

Ladies and gentlemen...

After eight and a half
years and episodes,

Miss Sally Struthers.

- [applause]
- Six months pregnant.

Rob Reiner.

Miss Jean Stapleton.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Carroll O'Connor!

♪♪ ["Remembering You"]

And now let's join
the after-show party

in the Founders' Circle

at the Music Center's
Dorothy Chandler Pavillion.

[no audible dialogue]

Our thanks to the Los
Angeles Philharmonic

for their gracious cooperation.

Production assistance
and financial consideration

provided by the Los
Angeles Bonaventure.

For the th
episode celebration

of All In the Family,

this is d*ck Tufeld speaking.

Thank you for joining us.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA