03x02 - The Old And The Beautiful

[bunniefuu]

And so, the Democratic Party came to
be associated with the "welfare state,"

and the Republican Party with
a more Darwinian approach.

Which do you favor?

Kevin!

Darwin's the monkey guy, right?

I like monkeys.

A statement no doubt once
also made by your mother!

No. She's more into kitties.

I love kitties!

That's terrific, Brittany, and really
adds an extra dimension to today's lesson!

- Uh, Ms. Li, I wonder if I might...
- Forget it!

I've already told you: no staff
resignations while class is in session.

Students, aren't we a
bunch of lucky so-and-sos?

With all that this
great land has given us,

shouldn't we think about
giving back just a little?

She's right. I'm going to
renounce my citizenship.

So, as part of the school district's
first annual Awareness of Others Week,

I'm asking each Lawndale High student to
sign up for an extracurricular activity

to make the world a better place.

% participation will earn me, um, earn us special
recognition from the superintendent of schools.

Now, I want all of you to go out there
and make me... make the school look good.

Resume learning!

Class, dare I ask whether anyone can
relate this appeal for volunteerism

to the political philosophies
we've been discussing today?

Kevin.

You know what is cool
about that Darwin guy?

When Curious George gets in
trouble, he always lets him slide.

Ms. Li, wait!

Hear a desperate man's plea!

I just think people should volunteer
for causes because they believe in them,

not because it makes
the school look good.

Absolutely. Run down the list of
causes you volunteered for again?

I protested that book burning last year.

You yelled at the TV screen.

Hey, if more people spoke up...

Uh, oh. Looks like a whole bunch
of people got here before us.

I wonder if this has anything to do with the
full day of procrastinating we just put in.

Look! They need someone for an arts and crafts
class at the children's ward of the hospital.

Calling Jane Lane.

Too bad there's only one slot left.

That's okay.

I guess I'll be picking
debris off the highway.

That'll make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Wait! How about reading
to senior citizens?

No, thanks.

I'll feel more comfortable
with the road k*ll.

Come on, you're a people person.

Well, you're a person anyway.

It'll be good practice for
when my parents turn senile,

which is probably any day now.

Ooh, Kevvy, look! Reading with seniors.

Hanging out with the
upperclassmen? Excellent!

So, the Fashion Club voted and we're
going to collect clothes for the homeless.

Isn't that wonderful!

Well, I was given a
talent for accessorizing.

And it's sort of my duty
to share it with the world.

I heard St. Francis
started the same way.

What are you doing, Daria?

She got stuck reading to old people.

Hey, that's great, kiddo.

Well, I'm proud of my girls for
caring about the less fortunate.

Quinn, I'm going to go
through my closet right now

and see what I can donate
to your clothing drive.

Your closet? Muh-OM, haven't
the homeless suffered enough?

Sniffing for love, on
the next Sick, Sad World.

Are you sure they're going to let you
bring your own materials to the hospital?

I don't know if sick children
should be working with auto parts.

Why not? They're not just
recuperating, they're learning a trade.

There'll be no popsicle stick picture
frames in Jane Lane's arts and crafts class!

Tomorrow we're making voodoo
dolls of the hospital staff.

Do you think if you breathe on
me I might catch your enthusiasm?

Hey, who knows what you'll catch.

Come on, your assignment isn't
that bad. You like reading.

How would you like it...

You're not nervous, are you?

No, no. I'm not.

You'll be fine. If it helps, picture
them in their underwear while you read.

You may throw up, but at
least you won't be intimidated.

You feel like taking a walk to the butcher? This stuff
would look great with a few cattle bones thrown in.

Hello. Oh, you must be
from the high school.

Come on in. We can always use
a ray of sunshine around here.

Some of your classmates
have already arrived.

Hey, Kevvy, look who's here.

Daria! Did you know there aren't
any high school seniors here?

They're old people and
we have to read to them.

What kind of lousy
volunteer deal is that?

I know!

This teleconference of the Fashion
Club is hereby called to order.

First order of business: when do we
go clothes shopping for the homeless?

You know, I saw this
homeless guy on TV once

and he was wearing plaid
pants with a striped top.

Why can't he just reach inside his shopping
cart and pick out something that matches?

Um, shouldn't we go through our own
closets first for clothes to donate?

You mean a homeless person
will be wearing my clothes?

Uh, Quinn, are you really
comfortable with that concept?

It'll stretch our shopping budget.

The more clothes we find for free
the more we help the homeless, right?

And the more room in our
closets for new stuff!

Yeah!

Shush. Very well.

But I'll review your donations

to make sure no past fashion mistakes are
inadvertently revealed to our enemies. Later.

- Bye, guys.
- Ciao

No, no, no...

Maybe. No.

Daria, I found your jacket!

"no man had ere picked produce before."

What a pretty voice she
has. Don't you think?

Oh, yes. She sounds just like
Frances did when she was younger.

I always did have a lovely voice.

Thanks!

And I looked just like you, dear.

Cool, this guy just
swallowed his own teeth.

Happened to me last Friday.

Daria, you'll be reading
to Mrs. Patterson.

I think you two will really hit it off.

What a pretty girl...

Oh.

... that Brittany is.

Oh.

Are you two friends?

No, I don't suppose you would be.

Never mind.

Let's hear what you brought to read.

I hope you like poetry.

Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards
are the ones with poems in them.

"I saw the best minds of my
generation destroyed by madness.

Starving, hysterical, naked.

Dragging themselves ... the
soul is innocent and immortal.

It should never die ungodly,
in an armed madhouse..."

Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?

Get me my walker. And
then hit her with it!

I am just too cute in this.

Forget cute. You are adorable.

Oh, no... well, yeah.

Quinn! I was just, uh,
shopping for the homeless.

Um, me, too.

Stacy, are you shopping
for the needy, too?

Uh, yeah.

Do you think chartreuse is a flattering
color... on the homeless, I mean?

Oh, definitely.

Great belly ring.

It's between this and a nose stud.

Personally, I'd go with an
ear cuff, but that's just me.

No, I'd go for that, too.

Especially if it looked like a
little person clinging to your ear.

Those are so cute.

Are you girls all
updating your wardrobes?

Excuse me, we're collecting
garments for the homeless.

Wow, that is so nice.

You know, we've got a whole
sale rack that's % off.

Sale rack?!

Yeah, you know, leftover
stuff from last season.

Theresa, they're homeless,
they're not tasteless.

Perhaps you just didn't select
the right material, dear.

You mean like "The
Adventures of Ratboy?"

I'm sure you'll find
some stories in here.

"Parables of the Way?" I don't
suppose that means the way out?

Now you'll be reading to Mr. Gross.

Mr. Gross, this is Daria.

She's going to read to
you. Isn't that nice?

I want, I want...

Yes, Mr. Gross?

I want Brittany.

"And with the thorn gone from his paw,

the lion turned to the mouse with
tears of gratitude in his eyes.

He said, 'Thank you, Mr. Mouse.

I have a feeling we're going
to become the best of friends.

"That's not how it ended on
Animal Maulings on home video.

Okay, who wants Brittany
to read to them next?

Me, me! Dear God, can you hear me?

"Suddenly, way in the distance the
tortoise spotted the finish line.

Once more he said to himself
Slow and steady wins the race.

Kevin, you have such a soothing voice.

"And the tortoise crossed the finish
line first, to the surprise of everyone.

Everyone but the tortoise, that is."

Mr. Gross, what's wrong
with your respirator?

Nothing, I unplugged it.

Don't blame me. I
didn't write this stuff.

Damn it! I must have left my
Exact-O knives in the pediatric ward.

You're really getting
into this, aren't you?

Yeah. The kids and I are
redoing all the wall murals.

The happy clowns holding balloons, we turned
them into Mongol invaders wielding maces.

Wow. You really are making a
difference in a child's life.

How are things going
at the nursing home?

It's just like high school.

The people with the good looks and the inane
bubbliness are sought out and held up as an example.

And to think you could have been
picking shoes off the highway.

And giving them to you for
your arts and crafts class.

So, what are you going to do?

Well, what I'd like to do is quit, but now I
sort of feel like I owe these people something.

Maybe your sister can give
you some perkiness tips.

I wouldn't give her the
satisfaction of helping me.

I wouldn't let her
know she was helping me.

Since we haven't been able to find
anything good for the homeless yet,

I've been thinking we should go
door to door for clothing donations.

Well, we're only going to
go to nice streets, right?

Yes! We'll only hit good neighborhoods
where the people are well dressed.

Oh, okay.

Why would we give the homeless anything
we wouldn't want them giving us?

Quinn, you are so smart.

Speaking of dressing like a tramp,
did you see Brooke's new velvet top?

No.

I doubt it's even velvet
at all. I think it's velour.

Oh, my God.

Crushed velour. Which, it
turns out, can't be uncrushed.

I see you've got arts
and crafts again today.

Oh, yeah. So how did it go
observing the Princess of Pleather?

"Do I have enough product in my hair?"

You'll never pull it off.

Somehow, I find that very comforting.

Oh, Daria, I'm so sorry you're
not popular at the nursing home.

I mean, I understand why you're
an outcast here at school.

Yeah, everyone understands that.

Even you?

But this is really sad.

Kevin and I were talking,
and we think it's your voice.

It's, like, a total bummer!

Hey, I know what might help you.

I got kicked once during
practice and my voice...

oh, I guess that
wouldn't work on a girl.

Well, we can't all have rich,
soothing voices like yours, Brittany.

Wait! That's it, I could help you!

Eureka!

Oh, babe. You're so thoughtful.

Well, this week we are supposed to
be thinking of the less fortunate.

Daria, come to my house after
school and we'll see what we can do.

This is going to be
great! I can help everyone!

What just happened?

You're spending the
afternoon with Brittany.

You got anything sharp in there?

Hello.

Um, hi. I didn't know
Brittany had an older sister.

She does? Cool.

Maybe we can get manicures together.

No, I mean...

if you're not her sister, then you're...

Her stepmother.

Britty, honey, you didn't
tell me you had a sister.

Daria, this is my
stepmom, Ashley-Amber.

Do you recognize her?

I think so, but it's so hard to remember
your childhood nightmares clearly.

She was the poster model
for St. Peter Girl beer.

"I'll cure what 'ales' you."

Ooh, isn't she great?

It's hard to believe she's real.

Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad.

He's not the Maytag repairman, is he?

I don't think so.

Dad, this is my classmate, Daria.

Hey, Daria. Steve Taylor.

Always glad to meet
one of Britt's friends.

You like cosmetics? I'll
get you into a focus group.

The pay is a joke but there's
free lip gloss out the ying yang.

Good stuff, too. They
try it on cats first.

You meet my wife? Boy, was she
a knockout when she was young.

My pompoms!

That's my Pebble Beach
hat, you little turd!

Gerald Ford sold me that hat!

Hi. How are you?

My feet hurt.

Stacy... for once, try to look
beyond your own petty concerns.

Today we're thinking
about others, remember?

Um, sorry, Sandi.

Spare some change?

It's all right, Stacy.

Just try to be a little
more compassionate, okay?

Okay, so one, like, method or whatever
to make your voice sound more cheery

is to end each sentence as
if you're asking a question?

'Cause then you sound, like, perky?

"The rain in Spain stays
mainly on the plain?"

Okay, that didn't work either.

What about that squeak you do?

What squeak?

I can't believe the T-shirts
that shop tried to give us.

Really. The homeless
have suffered enough.

Don't make them wear a
cotton-poly blend, too.

Yeah, but maybe we should've...

Oh, look. Half-price hair styling.

"Today only."

You know, a new look would really
draw attention to our cause.

"Cheerleader tip number :

If you lose your place
during a routine, don't worry.

No one's paying attention to you
anyway. They're watching the game."

I'm sorry, Daria. This
just isn't working out.

I tried. I really
tried. But it's hopeless.

Face it, Daria. You'll never be like me.

Guess I'll have to find a new dream.

My feet are... I mean, um, uh...
how do your feet feel, Sandi?

They're k*lling me!
Is the box full, Quinn?

Actually, it's kind of... empty.

Maybe, um, we shouldn't be so picky?

Are you saying, Quinn, that perhaps
today's canvassing has been mishandled?

Oh, no! No way, Sandi.

You're a donation seeking expert.

The best.

Thank you.

All right, I may possibly have
been a little too selective,

but it's because I was
thinking of the homeless.

Sure.

- Of course.
- Absolutely.

New policy.

From here on in we
take whatever is offered

and we let the homeless make
their own fashion choices.

Yes, girls?

Never mind.

Hey, are you girls selling chocolate?

Well, what do you think? Am I ready?

Who would like Daria to read to them?

Mrs. Blaine? Daria here
is going to read to you.

Daria, this is Mrs. Blaine.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

"Her golden skin was the
color of a wheat field.

Her lips like rose petals,
wet with dawn's sparkling dew."

Who writes this stuff? I mean,
who's really named "Sierra"?

If you ask me, these books have
nothing to do with real emotions.

Mrs. Blaine, what do you
say I read you some Byron?

Or... some really graphic smut.

You're deaf, aren't you?

Okay. Well, then, here's a story.

Once upon a time, there was a girl
who wasn't good at faking enthusiasm.

She volunteered to read at a nursing
home but everyone hated her voice.

So to humiliate her, they
made her read to a deaf person.

Big joke. And they all
live miserably ever after.

Oh, read me another, dear. Please?

You have such a pretty voice.

I'd like to congratulate everyone on a
very successful Awareness of Others Week.

Our % participation has earned us a special
commendation from the superintendent of schools.

"Dear Ms. Li, congratulations to all
the students..." Oh, blah, blah. Ah!

"Rarely does one encounter an administrator
with your unique blend of drive and compassion.

You are one very special
educator, and a very special lady."

"Of course, the students also..."
Et cetera, I won't bore you.

Too late.

Now, let's acknowledge our most outstanding
volunteers: Mr. Thompson and Ms. Taylor.

I'd like to dedicate this award to the senior
citizens at the Better Days Nursing Home,

who taught me a very valuable
lesson: always wear your sunscreen.

Yeah! Ratboy rocks!

Please, God, an aneurysm.

For them or for you?

Both.

Now, let us welcome
Lawndale High's Fashion Club,

here to present a generous
donation of clothes for the needy.

A pair of go-go boots and a
belly chain? Where's the rest?!

Um, that's it.

They may be poor but that doesn't
mean they should be unfashionable.

Right.