03x06 - It Happened One Nut

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Daria". Aired: March 3, 1997 - January 21, 2002.*
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Adult animated series about Daria who goes through teenage life as a proud outsider in a world of mainly idiotic adolescents and condescending adults.
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03x06 - It Happened One Nut

Post by bunniefuu »

All right. Here are the results
of your career aptitude tests.

Perhaps they'll help you avoid whiskey-soaked
decades wondering what might have been

if only you'd had the guts to
follow your dream of a life at sea.

That's right, let it out.

Just make sure you clean up after.

My congratulations, Miss
Lane. You've done it again.

Perfect record.

I've gotten the same
thing three years in a row.

Accountant?

That's what happens when you fill
in the letter "C" for every answer.

Gets the whole test
over within five minutes.

You mean you didn't even
try to answer the questions?

Questions? What questions?
What did you get?

Let's see.

Don't worry about it.

How much can they tell
from a standardized test?

I've had fortune cookies
that were more accurate.

Petroleum dispen... dispensation?

Hey, I'm going to be an oil typhoon!

Oh, Kevvy, that's great!

Sound it out, Kevin.

This says you'll be pumping
gas at a filling station.

I'm going to be a gas jockey
for the rest of my life?

Then again, sometimes these
tests can be absolutely uncanny.

Does anyone notice
anything special about me?

Yes. From just the right angle, I
really can see through your head.

Daria, please. What are we
supposed to notice, honey?

My neck! I got my career aptitude
test results at school today,

and they said I have a future as a
neck model for jewelry catalogues.

So your head would serve
as sort of an accent piece.

I think it's wonderful that you're
thinking about the future, Quinn,

but you've got far more
to offer than your neck.

Yes, what about the untapped
potential of your shapely wrists?

Daria, did you take a
career aptitude test?

I don't remember.

So I have to call the
school to get your results.

If you so choose.

Or maybe I'll just drop by in person, bring
you a surprise snack for your lunch box,

pop into class and
give it to you myself.

All right, all right.
That's check and mate.

A mortician?!

Hey, it's not my fault.
Neck model was already taken.

"Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes
you an ideal candidate for working with the dead."

Daria, have you given any
thought to your career plans?

I guess I'll just wait around
for people to kick the bucket.

I can't believe you're
not more ambitious.

You want me to k*ll
people to drum up business?

Daria...

Daddy, can I have some money
for pictures of my neck?

Why, sure, honey! Pictures
of your neck, great idea!

I'll just run down to
the bank right now...

Jake! You're not giving Quinn any money.

Can I go to the bank, anyway?

Sit down, Jake.

But I need $ to put
together a portfolio.

Quinn, if you want that kind of
money, you can take a job and earn it.

A job? But the stress could
put wrinkles on my neck.

Tell me about it.

And if Quinn's getting a job,
Daria, you can get one, too.

I want you to get an idea of
what the working world is about

so you can take an
interest in your future.

And give up studying for the priesthood?

It says on this form that they
have peer counseling at your school.

Either you get a job, or you get some
counseling to improve your people skills.

Well, I guess counseling
would take up less of my time.

Daddy, I don't have any work clothes.

Can I have $ for some new outfits?

Is that the doorbell?

You're that girl from Quinn's house.

Are you getting counseling, too?

I'm the counselor.

It's volunteer work...

to help the socially... challenged.

You're going to counsel me? Of course.

It's some kind of cosmic payback
for being too ironic. Okay.

Is this going to take long?

"You... too... can learn to... make..."

Yes?

"... friends. Making... friends..."

Why don't I read that to myself?

That way, we can both be out
of here before we graduate.

"Making friends... is..."

Fun? Interesting? Impossible?

"... important. Friends
can be... very..."

Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?!

You made me lose my place.

Let's see... "Making
friends... is... important..."

Now they're making me look for a job.

I thought you said
they gave you a choice.

It's been hours
since I met with Tiffany.

As far as I know, she's
still there counseling me.

So what kind of job
are you thinking about?

The kind that's already been taken.

They said I had to look for a job;
they didn't say I had to find one.

Yeah, I don't even
see any jobs available.

Well, no sense pushing
our luck. Cheese fries?

Sounds good.

Daria, how did the job hunt go?

It was really rough.

I looked everywhere and
couldn't find a single thing.

How can that be? Unemployment
is at a record low.

That's the problem.

Everybody's working and
all the jobs are filled.

Guess what?

I found a job at the first place I
looked: the pet store in the mall.

Are you sure it's a job?

Maybe they're just trying
to find you a good home.

And I've only got one night to
coordinate my animal print nail polish.

Daria, you're not dedicated to
finding a job at all, are you?

On the contrary.

I'm willing to spend as long as
it takes: weeks, months, years...

Hey, Daria! I got you job!

Frankly, Daria, this is not what
I consider an ideal situation.

That's funny, I'm in heaven.

Because your father consults
for our national office,

my regional manager asked
me to give you a tryout.

But quite honestly, I don't like
nepotism, and I don't like cronyism.

Where do you stand on vandalism?

You get the same chance as
everyone else: no more, no less.

I need my workers to think,
sleep, eat and breathe nuts!

Only those who make it through
my rigorous screening process

are fit to represent my
merchandise to the public.

Hey, hey, how's it going?
I'm here to apply for a job.

- Can you bag nuts?
- Sure!

- You're hired.
- Cool! Hey, Daria.

Each customer must be greeted
with our trademark slogan:

"Welcome to It's a
Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.

We're just nuts about nuts.
Crunch nuts with your lunch.

Buy them by the bunch. Send them
to friends far away to munch."

Now repeat that so I
know you've learned it.

Welcome to It's a Nutty,
Nutty, Nutty World.

We're just nuts about nuts.

You almost had that.
Try again, after me.

"Welcome to It's a Nutty,
Nutty, Nutty World."

Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World?

Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.

Uh, Nuts World, Nutty,
Nutty, um... uh, Lunch?

No!

Hey, don't worry. I'll get
it right for the customers.

Just don't forget to smile.
Remember our guarantee:

"If we don't smile, the nuts are free."

And those free nuts come
out of your paychecks.

So, c'mon, smile big,
wide, let's seem them.

Let's take a break.

Let me guess.

This is your way of
moving up from pumping gas.

Yeah, I mean, that test
was like a wake-up call.

I got to think about the future.

I need a serious job with,
like, a serious career path.

This is serious, all right.

You've got to take special
care of the animals.

Believe me, when you neglect
them, they don't let you forget it.

Mr. Matthews, are you sure
these animals are safe?

Oh, sure they are. Wouldn't
hurt a fly, not even Joanne.

Joanne?

My $ , prize boa constrictor.

Don't you have any cuter animals here?

Those are the ones I
aspire to work with.

I'll introduce you to everyone.

Those are Maria and
Pedro, my two iguanas.

They need exactly three and a quarter
teaspoons of water every minutes.

These are my canaries. Be sure
not to breathe too hard on them.

Travis, Mavis, Venus, Elvis, Chloris,
Clovis and Posh. Got the names?

Oh, yes.

Great. Then come meet the goldfish.

Okay, kids, let's do some business.

Remember, no unauthorized
personnel behind the counter.

And most of all, smile, smile,
smile, or the nuts are free.

Whoa, free nuts.

Uh, Kevin, he meant for the customers.

Welcome to It's a Nutty,
Nutty, Nutty World.

We're just nuts... about nuts.

Crunch nuts with your lunch...

Yeah, can I get a bag of pistachios?

Okay, hold on a second.

There.

Wow, you did it! You sold a bag of nuts.

That's right, Kevin. I'm so happy
you were here to share it with me.

Hi! Welcome to Nutty World.

Hi, there.

Welcome to Nutty World.

We're just crunching our
lunch and sending your nuts...

uh, Daria, what comes next again?

Bankruptcy court?

Can I get two pounds of almonds, please?

Sure thing, ma'am.

Hey, Daria, which ones
were the almonds, again?

These. Right here.

The ones with the sign
that says "almonds" on them.

That's the same word on the sign over
there, with the picture of the almond on it.

Oh, yeah, right, thanks.

So where did you point again?

I'd like my nuts, please.

Hang on.

Here, birdies, come
get your birdseed. Oops.

What was that? Did I
hear you say "oops"?

Oh, my God, I only see six
canaries. Where's Travis?

Um, a nice old lady just
walked in and bought him.

She, um, uh, brought her own cage.

Fantastic! Keep up the good work, Quinn.

Great! Now I'm a whole bird
further away from my photos.

Wow! That's your third sale.

I thought you brains only
knew about school stuff,

but, like, you know how
to sell nuts, too. Amazing.

Yes, Kevin.

You'd be surprised how handy a command
of basic literacy skills can be.

Kevin, what are you doing?

Angie told me she saw you here giving some
lady a bag of nuts and smiling your head off.

You know women can't resist your smiles.

But, babe, I got to smile at
everyone. It's part of my job.

Oh, Kevvy... it's just
for the job, right?

Sure, babe, I promise.

Okay, but this sign
says a smile. Just one.

If I catch you giving more than one
smile to a customer, you're quitting.

Now you're making me smile.

Figuratively speaking.

I need four pounds of walnuts.

Do you think he's smiling
at you because he wants to

He's not, you know. They're making him.

World of Crunch Lunch Nuts.
Munch the nutty, nutty?

So how was the first day on the job?

It went great. The animals love me.

I heard a canary got caught in the
air filtration system at the mall.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

Stop making things up. Besides,
it wasn't really my fault.

Hey, what's for dinner?
Peanut butter sandwiches?

That's Daria. She smells like
peanuts from her stupid job.

I what? Oh, God.

That explains those
squirrels at the bus stop.

While we're on the subject,
tell us about your job, Daria.

It went surprisingly well.

Really?

In fact, I doubt I can ever
top today's performance.

So I think I'll take early
retirement, starting tomorrow.

No, you won't.

You're not quitting until
you spend enough time there

to realize your future is nothing
to take for granted, right, Jake?

Can we have our peanut
butter sandwiches now?

When aliens eat out, where
do they relieve themselves?

Extraterrestrial restaurant
restrooms, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

It's even worse than school.

You're trapped in a much tighter space,

the rules are stupider,
and Kevin's very close.

Should I come down and visit?
Offer some moral support?

You've already seen me in
enough humiliating situations.

So what would one more
hurt? Misery loves company.

You don't have to tell me that.

It's the basis of our whole friendship.


All right, you can come. But
don't let anyone else know.

Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.

Didn't you make some coffee last week?

You look awful. What happened to you?

Jesse and I were up all night
trying to write a new song,

but we only ended up
with one chord we like.

And which chord would that be?

"A" minor seventh.

No, "A" diminished.

I'll get another cramp!

Hey, that's weird.

Suddenly, I'm in the
mood for peanut brittle.

Congratulations, Daria.

Despite your $ penalty
for unsmiled nut sales,

you're our first salesperson of the day.

I've always dreamt of the day my
picture would hang in a nuthouse.

Well, if you expect to keep it there,
you'll have to remember to smile.

Thanks for the ride.

I'm off to, um, get some
art supplies. See ya.

Okay. See ya. Let's go
hit that new nut stand.

I've been craving
honey-roasted peanuts all day.

Getting a snack? Yum!
Let's go snack somewhere.

Let's see, you could
take little Puddie-Pie,

or there's little Fifi, and
this puppy over here is Snuggles.

I like this one.

Oh, no, that's Bark.
See, he's my favorite.

Why don't you take Fifi instead?

But I want the other one!

What's going on here?

Oh, no! Where's Joanne?!

Who's Joanne?

Mr. Matthews said not to let the puppies'
little paws touch the rough floor,

so I put them on the
lid from Joanne's cage.

Who's Joanne?

How did she get over
the side of the cage?!

Don't boa constrictors have gravity?

Come on, let's get some pizza,
or tacos, or cheese sticks,

or stuffed pitas, burgers, bagels,
chicken fried BBQ buffalo wings? My treat.

Janey, I've been thinking
about peanuts all day.

I've got to get some.

They've, like, h*jacked my brain.

Moth to a flame.

You've h*jacked my brain.

Moth to a flame.

If you don't release me...

It'll really be lame.

No.

I'll forfeit the game.

Nah.

My soul's waves of grain.

I've heard that somewhere before.

You're driving me insane!

Too many syllables.

Oh, no. Cover for me, Kevin.

I've got to take a break.

Wait, where are you going?

Further into my personal hell.

Hey! I just remembered!

Big string give-away at
the guitar store, this way.

- You've h*jacked my brain...
- Moth to a flame.

- If you don't release me...
- I'll go just the same.

Moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly,
moth gonna fly from your love.

Hey, look! Monster
trucks and naked models.

Naked, naked, naked!

All right, second verse.

It's my personal hell,
where I roast in my shell...

Roast in my shell?

Aw, man, I can't think straight
till I get those peanuts.

Hey, uh, welcome, nuts.

Munch a bunch of your
nutty friend's lunch.

Um... okay. I need some peanuts.

Cool. Um, peanuts. Peanuts...

Hey, Daria! Where do
we keep the peanuts?

Daria?

Scrimmage injury.

Daria? Hey, Daria!

You know where the peanuts are, Daria?

Try the peanut bin, you idiot.

Can you come out and show me?

No!

Um, you know what? I don't
want any peanuts after all.

But you said they h*jacked your brain.

Well, now I think a burger
has taken over my brain.

What do you say?

Cool.

Hey, don't go! Come back!

See you again at Nut, Nut,
Nutty, Nutty Lunch World!

Hey, you can't go back there.

Yeah, I can. They changed the rules.

Oh, cool.

Hey.

Welcome to It's a Nutty,
Nutty, Nutty World.

We're just nuts about humiliation.

I tried to keep them away.

Nice job.

C'mon, you got a break coming up?

I'll buy you some junk food.

Something not in the nut family.

Yeah, that'll be nice.

Let's go cruise the mall in case there's someone I
know who hasn't seen me in my Nutty World uniform.

I'll see you later.

Daria...

See you later.

Mrs. Morgendorffer? This
is Jane, Daria's friend.

Jane, do you need an attorney?

I don't do criminal work
but I'll get you someone.

Don't say anything to anyone
until we get over there.

No, no. I'm looking for Daria.

Daria? Why are you calling here?

She told me she was going to talk to you
about the way they're treating her at work.

Really?

They probably haven't let her off yet.

I bet she's still in the
back room, bagging nuts.

What?! In the back room?

How is she going to improve
her social skills there?

Yeah, that's the thing.

She's the senior employee at the
nut stand, and the most qualified,

but for some reason her male co-worker
is the one they've got behind the counter.

What?! I knew I shouldn't have
trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts.

Listen, I need you guys to find a missing
boa constrictor while I work up front.

Don't worry, they don't
bite. They just strangle.

I'll find it for you! No,
no, I will! No, no, me!

How we gonna call the snake
if we don't know its name?

You don't call a snake, stupid.

You play one of those flute things.

I don't know how to play the flute.

Can't we put out some
snake food or something?

What do they eat?

Hey, look!

That ought to do it.

Where's Daria?

Uh, welcome to It's
a Nutty, Nutty, uh...

Oh, shut up.

You can go back there now.
They changed the rules.

Mom?

What are you doing back here?

Working with filberts.

Oh, I see, you're in back doing the physical
labor while that goon is up front networking.

Hey, what are you doing?

You can find someone else
to bag your nuts, pal!

You're not exploiting
my daughter anymore.

You can't take her away! She's
my salesperson of the day!

I'm sure your valuable male counter help
is more than qualified to cover for her.

Hey, Daria, wait! My apron is
caught in the register again!

The nerve of that sexist caveman to think
he could get away with treating you that way.

It was awful, awful.

Damn peanut smell.

What are you doing here?!
Can't you see I'm working?!

Get this thing off me, man!

Careful with her! She
has sensitive scales!

I swear, babe, that wasn't
a smile the second time!

I can't believe it.

Finally someone I know
is att*cked by animals,

and I and my video camera
are nowhere to be found.

I'm not sure if cute little furballs milling
around your feet really constitutes an att*ck.

Hey, you don't know
what they were thinking.

Well, now Kevin, Quinn and I are all
out of a job, which suits me fine.

What happened to you?

It's Daria's fault!

You got too close to me
with your stupid nut shirt!

You know I'm allergic to pistachio
dye, and now I've got a rash!

My neck modeling career is over!

What?

I think I just found job satisfaction.
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