04x05 - The F Word (aka Fail)

[bunniefuu]

So why then are we constantly urging our
students to win at all costs? We should

be teaching them that failure is not the
end of the world. In fact it's often a

stepping stone to success. After his
first attempts at flight failed, Wilbur

Wright said that "not within a thousand
years would man ever fly." It took

Thomas Edison more than two thousand
experiments before he invented the light

bulb. Failure is the signpost
that points the way to success!

Oh!

Professor Bentley was so inspiring. I
can't believe how much I'm getting out of

this seminar.

More than the $ a meal per
diem THE REST OF US ARE GETTING?!

No, no, no no. We're all getting the
same amount. And I think the $ ... uh $

that I'm,.. uh, we're
getting is pretty generous.

I was especially intrigued by his notion
of planting the seeds of tomorrow in

the students of today.

I will wake up refreshed and ready to
meet life's challenges. I will wake up...

What if there's a Thomas Edison in my class
just waiting to be nurtured and encouraged?

Ahh!

Well, good night, Anthony.

Umm, okay.

So class, your assignment is to pick
something you know you'll fail at. To prove

that failing isn't the end of the world.

There goes my motivation.

Relax. At least he's not making us guess
people's identities by feeling their hands.

Again?

Brittany, what is something
you're sure you'd fail at?

Umm, I don't think I
could ever be unpopular.

Excellent!

I'm... right?

It gets easier after the first time.

Brittany, you will fail
at becoming unpopular.

Then I've already passed.

We'll talk later. Who else wants to pick
what they are going to fail at? Kevin,

what about you?

Me? I'm the QB

So... you're saying you'd fail at being
a bad athlete? Good. Very good. Jodie?

My parents make me spend my entire summer
doing volunteer work that'll look good

on my college application. I'd
never be able to get the summer off.

Perfect. Mack?

I could try teaching Kevin the three
branches of American government.

Aw, come on. I know that one. Republican,
umm... Dominican and Aristocat!

That's very good, Mack.

We're having a test, too?

So, what are you going
to fail at? Giving a damn?

I could fail to see the
merit of this assignment.

Or succeed in finding
it a waste of time.

Maybe you should try failing
at not being sarcastic.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Sandi, how long till the Teen Fashion
Extravaganza opens at the mall?

Five days, two hours, and twenty-three
minutes. God, Stacy. Why don't you get a

new watch ... one without a little
cartoon loser pointing at the time?

I can't wait for the extravaganza. The
come-buy-me smell of new clothes, the

flashing lights of the fashion show,
the crisp sound of tissue paper as it's

wrapped around an Alpaca
sweater with a matching silk tee.

Stop it, Quinn. You're
making my head spin.

My mouth... it's watering.

I just picked what I'm gonna fail at ...
getting Quinn grounded so she can't go

to that thing.

Excellent.

This way, if I blow the assignment
and Quinn is grounded, I still win.

Okay. Now you've got to help me pick
something to fail at. Something really

impressive that doesn't
require any effort of any kind.

How about performing
brain surgery on Kevin?

I said, no effort. Finding
that brain could take weeks.

Then, umm... how about being conventional?
Looking and acting like everybody

else. It'll take you
no time to fail at that.

What are you saying; I'm
some kind of freak of nature?

Define, "of nature."

How much longer now, Sandi?

Five days, two hours,
and twenty-two minutes.

Um, you forgot to say the seconds.

Staa-cy!

Next, we have reason number ;
Endangering a minor. The Teen Fashion

Extravaganza reinforces the false
notion that all you need to survive is a

credit card and a pair of ankle boots.
This misapprehension could prove fatal

should Quinn ever find
herself stranded in the wild.

Although, not if she's
stranded in the Wild Pair.

You know I'm gonna fail at this. They'll
say Quinn has to learn by making her

own mistakes... outside the house. Freeing
up the phone for my mother's cavalcade

of obsessive business calls.

I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they
delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.

Wait. It's time for the moment of truth.

So, like do I look
conventional, or whatever?

Ahhh!

Hey, Daria, you know that assignment for
Mr. O'Neill's class where I'm supposed

to be unpopular? Well, I though you'd
be the perfect person to ask for help,

since you're so, umm... smart.

Uh-huh.

So do you have any suggestions, since
you know so much about, you know, stuff?

Hmm. Try talking about global concerns.

Mom, Dad, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Mmm.

Uh, huh.

I've worked hard this year, and I really
need a break. So I was thinking that

instead of taking college prep classes,
volunteering at the hospice, and being a

camp counselor for special needs kids,
I could take it easy. Maybe even go to

the beach.

Hmm. That workload doesn't
sound very realistic.

She forgot the -hour-a-week
internship at the congressman's office.

Oh yeah. Nope.

Out of the question.

Assignment completed

What's that you're really stirring in
your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal

secretions that make us say
yum! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World.

Hey, Janey. Listen to this. "Since
I've left your womb, I've spent life in

a... tomb." Does that work?

I guess as uterine
testimonials go, it's not bad.

Whoa. What happened to you?

Like don't you know
fashion when you see it?

Umm... ?

There's this assignment for school where
we had to pick something we know we'd

fail at, so I picked being conventional.

Oh. What?

I'm succeeding at failing.

"Succeeding to fail. I'm on the third
rail." Nope. I still don't get it.

Yo.

Hey Tom. Um... don't abandon
her now, man. She needs you.

Why would I abandon... .

She needs you.

Hey, fly boy.

Is that a teddy-bear backpack?

Uh, huh. Do you wanna test out my
new lip-gloss? It's kiwi flavored.

Well I guess if I kissed you,
at least my eyes would be closed.

Now having three branches of government
allows for a system of checks and balances...

My dad had the wheels balanced on his
El Camino yesterday. He wrote a check.

Hey, when are we gonna get to the good
stuff? I wanna know how they taught those

Aristocats to play the piano.

Isn't it really, really great when our
teachers come out like this to support

the team? God, I hope
they don't talk to us.

Oh my gosh! That reminds me. Hey, um,
did you know that, umm, there are more

bio-rhythmical weapons than ever in
the rain forests of Afghanistan and they

blow up if you wear the wrong clothes?

Eww.

Gross!

Gee, Brit. You're
really acting icky today.

Gosh, Anthony, this is marvelous. It's
nice to see our students so enthusiastic

and excited.

You mean, instead of the way we usually
see them, wishing FERVENTLY for our

DEATHS!

Oh, look, Kevin. Hello, Kevin.

Uh-oh. He came to make sure I was
doing my homework. Ahh. Okay. Hike!

Here you go.

What the hell did you do that for?

He's checking up on me, bro.

Brittany, your boyfriend just
threw an interception on purpose.

Well, um, that nothing compared to the
working conditions for the laborers in

the unexploded diamond mines.

What?

You know what I think's wrong with Kevin?
I think all you're yucky stories got

to him.

I feel bad about Brittany.
It's like she's lost her way.

She does that all the time.

No, I mean like she's
forgotten who she is.

Like I said...

This is a bad time for her to be acting
weird. I mean with Kevin playing so

sucky and everything.

Oh, no. Lisa.

Yes Angie. Let's be honest ... Maybe
it's time for some new faces on the

cheerleading squad.

But I don't wanna get a new face.

Fresh new faces, fresh new attitude.

Hi, are you new in school? I'm
Lisa. This is Angie and Nikki.

We were just wondering. Have
you ever done any cheerleading?

Cheerleading?

Eric, I wonder if we could finish this
at the office tomorrow. My daughter just

came home from school and I want to
catch up with her. Thanks. Daria, perfect

timing. I think I can
still catch our broker.

I enjoyed our time together.

What's this $ at Cici's Boutique?
And $ at the Doo-Dad Store?!

That reminds me ... If you see Quinn,
tell her Cashman's called. They said it's

Cashman's Cashmereacle week and they
have all kinds of creative new financing

options they want to tell her about.

Cashmereacle?!! Did
you hear that, Helen?!

Look on the bright side ... she can't
possibly get to Cashman's before Monday,

since she'll be at the Teen
Fashion Extravaganza this weekend.

Extravaganza? What extravaganza?

Oh, it's nothing. Just the
spending event of the season for the

under-twenty set.

Good God! Helen!

Jake, calm down!

Maybe she hasn't heard about it yet.
I could unplug the TV. Black out the

windows. Where's Quinn right now?

At the Teen Fashion Extravaganza
Preferred Customer Preview. Why do you ask?

Gahhhh! That's it,
Daria! Quinn's grounded!

Jake, we can't punish Quinn when
she hasn't done anything wrong.

Why not?

I'll tell you what, Daria. Since you're
so concerned about Quinn's spending, why

don't you go with her Saturday
to help her keep it under control?

But now I'm being punished when
I haven't done anything wrong.

Nonsense. Consider it a way to pay
off this bill from... the Anatomical

Abnormalities Catalog.

Damn hydrocephalic skull replicas.

Eww!

Let me guess. A teen movie
star choked on his gum.

That, or the cafeteria ran
out of bendy straws again.

Good morning everyone. I'm excited to
hear how your assignments turned out.

Who'd like to start? Brittany?

No.

Okay, then, uh... Jodie?

I failed to convince my mother and
father to let me have the summer off.

Excellent. And see, you learned
that failure isn't so bad now, is it?

No.

Um, How about you, Kevin?

I'm a crappy athlete.
They threw me off the team.

So you... succeeded at your assignment.

Succeeded? I lost the game!

Good thing he has that physics
scholarship to fall back on.

Oh dear. Well I think you're all winners.
Those of you who failed, succeeded in

completing the assignment. And because
those of you who unexpectedly succeeded,

failed the assignment, you also
succeeded in failing. Isn't that great?

Hey, I'm not just a
loser, I'm dating a loser.

Now class, Remember; life's made up
of peaks and valleys. And just because

you're temporarily caught
in a valley... um... Class?

You must be glad the assignment's over.
Now you can wash off the body glitter.

Nah. I think I'm gonna
stay conventional.

What?

Why kid myself? It was easy to fit in,
too easy. Maybe I really am one of them.

Don't be ridiculous.

They want me for the squad.

I hope you mean the kind
where you get a blindfold.

No, the kind that leads
cheers. And I'm gonna try out.

Have you lost your mind?

I have to face my demons, Daria. Maybe
I'm not really an artist. Maybe those

insipid pom-pom wavers know me better
than I know myself. If I'm really meant to

cheer, then so be it. I'll hang up my
easel, and devote my life to providing pep.

What's happened to you?

Complete loss of confidence. Oh and
by the way, since this was your idea, I

blame you.

Sorry about that. But at least you know
I'm being amply punished, spending my

weekend researching faux-fur sweaters.

It's a small consultation,
but I'll take it.

Oh, Kevie, my life is over.

Mine too, babe. I'm the QB, no more.

That's right. Oh no! I have to break
up with you, because you're not popular

enough to go out with anymore.

Uh, babe you're not popular either.

You mean, we can keep going out?

Yeah.

Babe!

Babe!

Oh, Kevie... be together... popular.

Look man. I know you were just doing your
assignment. I can't make any promises,

but I'll try to set things
straight with the team.

Thanks, Bro.

Brittany, I'm heading to the pep rally
after school today. I'll try to explain

things to the cheerleaders
before it starts.

You're welcome.

Kevin, the guys and I think you
should have your uniform back.

Thanks. I'll wear it at home
when I watch the game on TV.

No, we mean you're back on the team.

I am? Cool!

Just don't mess up again

Don't mess it up, Man.

Thanks, Mack-Daddy.

Why do I think I just
succeeded at failing?

Rah, rah, rah! Go-o-o, team! Okay, now it's
your turn. Give it everything you've got.

Rah, rah, rah!! We're gonna b*at YA!!

Way to go, babe.

Thanks, babe.

Why is she just standing there?

She must have stage fright.

Cheer, cheer, cheer. Yell,
yell, yell. Who cares who wins?

If my peppy doesn't work for
you, I can always try my perky.

No, no. That's okay. No.

Woo-woo-woo!
Yeah!

Great. Now what're we gonna do?

You could let Brittany
back on the squad.

But she's always talking about
the starving referees, and stuff.

That was only for a class assignment.
Come on, look at her. Is that the face of

a thinker?

Go, Cheerleaders!

Okay, where's your evil twin?

The aliens finished their experiments
and let me return in her place.

How was the probe?

Less intrusive, this time.

Babe, you wouldn't believe the cheerleader
who auditioned yesterday. She got

scared and lost all
her bouncity-bounce.

You had bouncity-bounce?

Drop it.

Hello, class. Um today we're going to
do... not do anything. Why bother? Who

knows what damage I might do this time?
I just want to say that... I'm a failure

as a teacher, as a mentor, nay, as a
human being. Don't waste another minute

listening to my misguided drivel, for I
realize now, that my only talent lies in

leading youth astray. Please, go.

Alright!

And when I went to get my notebook,
Mr. O'Neill was slumped over his desk,

sobbing uncontrollably
into his sweater-belt.

Wow. If we were a different sort of young
people, we might feel obligated to do

something about this.

Fortunately, we don't
have any motivation.

You do.

Huh?

I can't believe we're doing this. And
aren't teacher's addresses confidential?

Not when you've got the web. Actually I
just looked in the phone book, but "the

web" sounds so cool.

Um, hi, Mr. O'Neill.

Daria? Jane?

Would you girls like some Saint
John's Wart tea? A gem tincture?

I can't. I'm driving.

Um, we came by because we
were a little concerned.

Very concerned.

We know you feel responsible because some
of your students, or more specifically

all of your students, got
depressed over the assignment.

I'm a failure!

But, your intentions were
good, and no one got hurt.

You shouldn't be so hard on
yourself. That's what Ms. Li's for.

Oh, girls, I appreciate your concern.
But the fact that you had to come here at

all makes me feel like
even more of... a failure.

Look, you set yourself a task and you
failed at it. That's what you asked us to

do, remember? Now finish the
assignment. Accept that failing is okay.

Yeah, by failing, you've succeeded.

What kind of psycho-babbly mumbo-jumbo
is that? Oh, my gosh. Jane, I'm so sorry.

For what?

You mean, you girl's self-esteem isn't
permanently scarred by my horrible assignment?

No, not by that.

The students teach the teacher. Daria,
Jane, you should consider careers in

motivational speaking.

Only if I don't have to do anything.

You've brought the sun back into
my life. How can I ever repay you?

Well, now that you've mentioned it.

Do you have to walk so close
to me? And in those shoes?

Now, Quinn, you know it's my job to
monitor your spending today. Let's make it

an adventure in moderation.

Ugh.

I can't believe Quinn tried to pass Mr. O'Neill
off as a professional fashion consultant.

Yeah. What was she thinking?

Poor Quinn. It must be so humiliating
to be seen in a mall with your teacher in

front of all of your friends.

I know. Come on. We
don't want to lose them.