04x13 - Dye! Dye! My Darling!

[bunniefuu]

Okay?

Okay.

Thanks for the company, Trent.

Hey, no problem. But why
didn't you ask Tom? Or Daria?

You and I never go for rides
anymore. We need to go for more rides.

Mm... why'd you need
to see the tiger again?

I told you, it's a surprise.
You'll find out when everybody does.

What do you mean, "mm..."?

I didn't say "mm..."

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Mm...

Sorry, can't stop for breakfast, must
get my files together before the : A.M.

I'm sorry, this is the
biggest case I've ever had!

Oh... it's : in the morning. Why would
anyone be up? Now who am I talking to?

Get it together, Morgendorffer!

Hey, Daria.

Hey, Trent.

Janie's upstairs with Tom.

Thanks.

Hello?!

Oh!

Oops.

Oy.

Sorry about that.

No biggie. You had to learn
about kissing sometime.

I saw Jane's latest work and I
just got carried away by the talent.

Ta-da!

Um, very nice. Or is it a cry for help?

I'd have to go with... both.

Don't you get it? The lady or the
tiger ... now you don't have to choose.

Does this mean you'll be
ordering the pizza with entrails?

This is going to be my new look. And
you're assisting in the procedure.

"Golden Heather Blonde," "Dewy Cornfield
Blonde," "April Wheat Blonde"... I just

want to bleach my hair,
not start a freaking farm.

Well, I'm looking for "Blonde as a Bat,"
but so far no luck. I bet for bucks

and a bag of donuts, that girl behind
the counter would come over to your house

and help you with this.

You know, Daria, not everyone in the
world conducts themselves by the same

ruthlessly mercenary principles
as you and your family.

That's why I threw in the donuts.
Give the deal a personal touch.

And if you tell me one more time that
you don't want to do this, I'll hit you

over the head with this bottle
of "Peaceful Sunrise Blonde."

You know I have no aptitude for this sort
of thing. Dyeing hair, painting toenails...

Look, Daria, this is the kind of activity
that teen girls do together to cement

their friendships. Don't you
want to cement our friendship?

I'd probably do better
with actual cement.

Methinks thou doth protesteth too much.

Huh?

Come on, why don't you
want to help me, really?

I just told you, I'm
afraid I'll screw it up.

H'okay... you're worried
about making me look bad.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing's the matter with me. Just
grateful for your concern, that's all.

Look, I'll help you do your damn hair,
okay? Just pick a blonde and let's go

with it, all right?

Now you're talking. "Autumn Barley Blonde?"
I'm going to have to get me a tractor.

This stuff stinks. Why can't they just
mix it before they put it in the bottle?

Because the vapors would
build up and it would explode.

Oh. Well, that sounds like something
I'd want seeping into my scalp.

Come on, Daria, get going. We have
nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm sure F.D.R. had teen girl hairstyles
in mind when he made that speech.

You know, one phone call and I could
have my sister over here with her little

fashion fiends to do this
job the way it should be done.

"Hello, Quinn? It's me, Daria. Can you
help me make my friend look pretty?"

All right, you bitch. What do I do?

Let's see. This is very complicated.
Identify and isolate a target tress,

immobilize, then initiate application.

Huh?

Grab a hunk of hair and start painting.

What do you think? It's not so hard.

Don't move. Don't even talk. The slightest
tremor of your head could be disastrous.

Oh, come on, it's just hair.

That's what Samson said.
What did you mean before?

What do you mean, what did I mean?

All that hinting around about the dire
reasons I didn't want to help you with this.

"Dire." 'Cause you're
dyeing my hair. I get it.

Still waiting.

Oh, hell, I didn't mean anything. I
just thought it was odd that you were so

resistant to making me look even cooler
than I already do. I thought, you know,

maybe you were a little jealous of me
and Tom and you felt like you had to...

What?!

Just a teensy little bit, and it's okay. Believe
me, I'm sure if I were in your position...

What position? What are you talking
about? How can you accuse me of being

jealous of you and Tom?

Hey, are we doing the hair here or not?
I just mean the way you're always...

"accidentally" barging in on us and just
"happening" to find yourself alone with

him. I know you don't mean anything
by it, so don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it?! You accuse me
of having some kind of designs on your

boyfriend and you tell
me don't worry about it?

Hair! Ow!

Sorry.

Maybe we'd better talk about this later.

There's nothing to talk
about. You're delusional.

Oh, well, in that case I can
just talk to myself about it.

Thomas Jefferson. Philosopher. Inventor.
President... and keeper of one saucy

journal! The declaration of in my
pants, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

So that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Which part ... the hair coloring
or the accusation of betrayal?

Oh, Daria, look, forget it.
I imagined the whole thing.

That's right.

Okay! Now, on to more important stuff.

Am I striped yet?

Um, no, not quite yet.

Is anything happening up there?

Uh... you know, I think
I should probably get home.

Aw, come on! Don't you want
to stick around for the fun?

Definitely not.

Come on, Daria, you must want to
see... aah! What did you do to me?

I told you I was no good at this!

Can't you paint a lousy stripe?

I don't... I...

You did this on purpose!
To take Tom away from me!

What?!

Get out of here, Daria!

Let me fix it!

How are you gonna fix it?

I don't know!

Just... get... out!

Look, you're going to have to go into
the drugstore and get the dye. Just get

anything black. And nothing
named after a crop, okay?

Sure. Don't worry, it'll be cool.

I could k*ll Daria.

Whoa. Why?

I'm telling you, she wanted to screw
up my hair. Anyone with the least bit of

painting experience couldn't possibly
do that bad a job by accident.

I didn't know she paints.

Huh? Oh. She doesn't.

Then why did she think
she could do your hair?

Well... she didn't.
Actually, I kind of made her.

Why did you do that?

Hey, Daria. Where's Jane?

Mm, I don't know.
Maybe sick or something.

Really? That's too bad. She had some big
surprise she was going to unveil today.

She kept talking about
the lady or the tiger.

Um, the tiger turned out to be
more of a penguin with eczema.

What?

All right then. Our ongoing evaluation
of new blushes continues this afternoon

at Quinn's house with a roundtable
discussion of blush strategy and philosophy.

I love philosophy.

It's so good of you to have
us over for this, Quinn!

Well, you know what I tell myself.
Quinn, if not you, who? If not now, when?

If not leave, puke.

When you talk to Jane, tell
her I hope she feels better.

You mean if I talk to her.

Look, our entire strategy depends on
you analyzing those printouts before the

weekend. I don't care if your mother's
getting married! I don't care if your

mother's getting ex*cuted!
Do you understand?!

Hello?

Um, Marianne? This is Daria
Morgendorffer. Is my mother available?

What? That's not a nice thing
to say about an -year-old?

Um, Daria, is it very important?
This isn't a great time.

Well, if your mother's , what the hell
is she doing dragging some poor bastard

to the altar?! Oh!

Um, no, I'll call back. Thanks.

Hello?

Tom?

Daria? To what do I owe the pleasure?

Have you heard from Jane?

Sort of. Why?

It's about that striping job...

Uh-oh.

Yeah. I really, um, kind of botched it
big-time, and she didn't come to school

and she's not answering the phone, so I
just wanted to make sure she's all right.

Well, she was all right enough to call
me late last night, yelling stuff I

didn't understand and
making freaky accusations.

Oh...

I'm really getting tired of this, Daria,
you know? It's like we talked about at

the parade...

I think I'm going to go over
there and see how she's doing.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Yeah. Got to go. Bye.

Bye.

I figured you'd turn up sooner or later.

Hey, your hair looks okay.

Yeah, I dyed it back.
I'll pass for human.

I'm really sorry. I warned you. That
doesn't make it any better. I'm sorry. I

feel kind of awkward.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

So if you look okay, then why didn't
you come to school? Why didn't you answer

the phone?

To be honest, I've been feeling kind of
overwhelmed lately, and after the hair

thing and all, I figured I'd
give myself a mental health day.

Overwhelmed? Why?

Why do you think?

I don't know. I didn't screw your hair
up on purpose. I would never do that.

Yeah, I know. What about
that other thing I said?

What thing? Um, you were just upset.

What about it, Daria?

What?

Tom? Me try to take Tom
away from you? Are you crazy?

Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or
anything. But what's going on with you two?

What do you mean? Nothing! I mean, okay,
I don't hate him so much anymore, but

that's not exactly
an affair to remember.

So you don't want to go out with him?

Of course not.

And you've never...
made out or anything?

Come on!

I know! I'm sorry!

Can you picture me making
out with anyone? Ever?

Can I stop short of your wedding night?
Okay. Well, then, hair apology accepted.

Life goes on.

Do you want to get some more "busy
barnyard blonde" and try again?

Have you gone completely, utterly mad?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you. Your sister said
you weren't home so I figured I'd wait

out here.

Do you want to come in?

No! There are girls in there rubbing
stuff on each other's cheeks and making

animal noises. I got kind of scared.

That's just the opening rites of the
Blushathon. At least you got out before the

rhythmic chanting.

Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery
Channel. Why don't you get in the car?

Did you want to talk about Jane?

Nope.

Oh. Then... what?

About our situation.

I don't know what you mean. We have no
situation. Leave me alone, I gotta go.

Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Why? Why? Because I moved to this town
and I knew immediately I'd be a total

outcast. And in the one moment of good
luck I've had in my entire life, I met

another outcast who I could really
be friends with and not have to feel

completely alone. And then you came
along and screwed the whole thing up!

All I did was meet a girl I thought
was cool and I went out with her for a

while. We started to get bored with
each other. It happens all the time. It's

nobody's fault.

Oh yeah? Would you still be bored
with her if I weren't around?

Probably. And more to the point, she'd
be bored with me. It's got nothing to do

with you.

Good. Because I'm not interested in
you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the

back if I even considered it.

Exactly. And what kind of
a jerk would that make me?

Exactly.

All right then.

Okay.

Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I liked it, too.

That's not funny!

I know.

That was definitely not funny.

I gotta go!

They're going to make it illegal to
sh**t squirrels? Dammit, what kind of town

is this? Oh, hey, kiddo! How's it going?
Still got a little stardust in your

eyes, eh? You can't drown them, either?!
Dammit! Oh my gosh! Let's finish this

later, okay, Daria?

Oh yeah, Daria? You probably want to
stay away from the house this afternoon.

The Fashion Club is entering the final
phase of our blush evaluation and things

could get heated and even if they don't,
I'm just afraid you'd find the whole

thing terribly tedious and I'd hate to
see you bored like that. Okay? Thanks!

Daria... ? Did you hear me?

Is Mom around?

What?

I need to talk to Mom.

Good luck. She's only been working
-hour days at that job of hers.

If your best friend were going out with
someone and you kissed him, would you

tell her?

Are you crazy? Why would I do that? God,
Daria, you've got to lay off all those

books before it's too late!

Hey!

Oh. Hi.

What's up? What's
going on? How you doing?

Great.

No walkee to school
today? What happened?

Hey, what's up? Talk to me.

I kissed your boyfriend.

What?

I kissed your boyfriend. I
kissed Tom. I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Oh. Hi!

Oh, hi. Go to hell!

Hey... uh... stop... ow!

How could you?! How could you?!

I didn't mean to! It just happened!

How could she?!

She didn't do anything!
It was all my fault!

Oh, don't give me that!

She didn't want any part of
this! I screwed everything up!

Now what?

I don't know.

I'm a real idiot. There's
no question about that.

Who's arguing?

We should have just broken up and I
never should have dragged Daria into it.

What do you mean, we
should have just broken up?!

Come on. We weren't going
anywhere. We were about to break up.

Yeah. So now what? You going to go out with
her? I guess I gotta get a new best friend.

What are you talking about?

What am I going to do, tag along on your
dates? Forget it. That's too weird for me.

Yeah. I don't know why
we expected her to do it.

You're going to have just a super time
dating Daria. She loves to have fun.

I didn't say I was going to date
her. I know how antisocial she is.

Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance.

What are you talking about?
You want me to go out with her?

Of course not. I mean, I don't know.
Just... look. All that time... were you

going out with me just to get to her?

Are you crazy?

I don't know. Am I?

I really like you, Jane. You're smart
and you're funny, you have a great

attitude... you do everything on your own
terms. You're, like, from a cooler world.

I am, aren't I?

You really are.

Too bad you're such a dork.

I know.

Why can't I ever find anything around
here? Do you all want me to go insane?

Helen? Helen?

What is it? I told you not to interrupt
me for anything! I have no time to waste!

Daria?

... so that's it. Of all the guys in
the world to kiss, I pick the one who's

going out with my best friend. Now I
don't know what's going on, I have nobody

to talk to about it, and
that's why I came to you.

Oh.

I didn't mean it that way.

Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager,
Daria. You have all these new feelings

and sensations...

Mom, spare me the puberty speech.
I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.

I'm sure it was just a one-time...

Twice.

It's a lousy situation, Daria. But
you didn't set out to hurt anyone.

Neither do those bus drivers who go flying
off an embankment on their way to the casino.

Daria... nobody got k*lled.

No, but I can't imagine how
I could have hurt Jane more.

What about Tom?

I'm not thinking about Tom! You know...
I had everything more or less under

control. I'm not saying it was great,
but I could deal with school, I could deal

with home, and now
nothing's under control.

It never is, sweetie. We just tell
ourselves otherwise so we can function.

Who came up with that
stupid arrangement?

It's called life.

Life sucks.

Yes. Sometimes. Often.

That's reassuring.

But it still beats the alternative.
Honey, things will work out. I don't know

how, but they will.

You don't know how? What kind
of parental wisdom is that?

Honest?

Don't you have to be getting
back to that huge case of yours?

Oh, don't worry about that.
It's completely under control.

Yo.

Hey.

What you doing?

Walking.

Hair looks fine.

Thanks.

Lift?

Nah.

Come on. We need to go for more rides.

Okay.

Hey, you know, about Tom
and all... it'll be okay.

Yeah, some part of me knows that.
Some part of me is actually saying that

breaking up is right.

Maybe it is.

So how come every five minutes I
feel like I'm going to throw up?

I don't know. You haven't been eating
out of the refrigerator again, have you?

Idiot.

Where are we going, anyway?

Daria's.

Hello.

Hi.

Pizza?

I'm not really hungry.

Neither am I.

I didn't want to tell you, but I had
to. It's not going to happen again. Ever.

Tom and I broke up.

What? Not because of me!

No. Not because of you. So I don't care
if you go out with him. It's fine with me.

Come on, nobody's that well-adjusted.

I'm sure as hell not, but Tom and you
makes more sense than Tom and me. So you

go ahead and date him, and I'll get
used to going out for pizza by myself.

I don't want you to do that.

Why not? It's what you've
been doing all year.

So you don't hate me?

Of course I hate you! You tell me
you'll stay away from him and five

minutes later you're making out
in a car! Why did you even get in?

I thought we were going to talk about
you! I think that's what I thought.

The lady or the tiger. You've turned
out to be a little of both, eh?

I swear, I didn't...

I know. I don't know why I made you
color my hair in the first place. Maybe I

was trying to bring something to a head.

Hair. Head. I get it.

So... what happens now?

I was hoping you knew.

Are we still friends? Are we?

Yeah. We're the kind of friends who
can't stand the sight of each other.

Temporarily, right?

I hope so, Daria. I'll see you.

Quinn! Quinn, phone!

Oh, to hell with it. Hello?

Daria? It's Tom.