05x11 - Prize Fighters

[bunniefuu]

This looks well balanced.

Eww. This is like that
movie, Angela's Ashtray.

Jake. Did you forget to buy lasagna?

We are through paying through the
nose for second-rate frozen food.

That's a relief, the coins
were making my nostrils bleed.

Thanks to Basement Bob's Bulk-Rate
Steak and Sausage dot com, tonight, we

luxuriate in the majesty
of near-wholesale prime rib.

What? If the Fashion Club
finds out I'm eating bulk-rate.

Or eating at all.

Dammit! We've got four mouths
to feed. Food costs money.

I knew it.

But Daria will be away at college soon,
and then there will only be three mouths

to feed.

Yes. I'm sure the sudden windfall will more
than make up for tuition, room and board.

Tuition? Oh, God.

Daria, I know. Why don't you get
one of those scholarship thingies?

Why Quinn. That's an excellent idea.

Yeah. If only they didn't give them
to people with well-rounded, balanced

interests. You know, somebody else.

That must be the prime rib!

I'd just assumed it would be dead.
And here it is, ringing the doorbell.

You know, Daria. There are scholarships
exclusively for academic achievement.

Winning one of those could make up
for your lack of extracurriculars come

college admissions time. It
wouldn't hurt to look into it. Right?

All right! Feast your eyes on this! Huh?

Eww. They look like hot dogs.

Many hot dogs.

Hey! That's not what I ordered.

Jake.

Hey! Meat guy! Come back here!

Criminals, beware. This detective won't
talk, but you will! Mime and punishment,

next on Sick, Sad World.

I don't like where this is going.

I haven't said anything yet.

So there's still time to flee?

Look, Daria. The more I think about
applying for an academic scholarship, the

more I like it. There's almost nothing
on your high school record to show you're

motivated and involved.

Could that be, because I'm not?

Daria. Are you telling me you
don't plan on going to college?

Of course I do.

Then, are you telling me you
don't want your choice of schools?

Then promise me you will at least look
into some kind of prize or scholarship.

Okay? Not for me, not
for your father, for you.

All right.

Damn. These scholarship foundations all
want you to be an expert in something:

concert violinist, nationally-ranked
gymnast, published author.

God, Daria. What have been doing all
this time? Acting like a teen-ager?

Hey, here's one for you. Have you
ever had anything shown in a museum?

Regional's okay.

Yeah, like I'm going to fill out a
five-pound application and kiss the butts of

some review board just for a few thousand
bucks to go to a school I'll probably

hate anyway. Um... not
that you shouldn't do it.

Hmm. Here's something. The Wizard
Foundation will award a ten-thousand dollar

prize who best embodies the Wizard
pursuit of excellence. You've got to admire

their vagueness.

The pursuit of excellence. So, you
don't actually have to catch it?

Great. There's an essay: How would you
change the world if you could? I knew I

should have taped the
Miss America Pageant.

Well, if you need any illustrations for
your essay, I'm pretty good at painting

mushroom clouds.

Hey, Daria. I know I'm crazy to ask, but
one of the paper's editors quit. Could

you use another extracurricular
activity for your transcript?

Technically, no. Since another
implies I have any to begin with.

What are you gonna do about
your college applications?

Gee, how refreshing. A lecture from a fellow
student just like the ones I get from my

mother. Thanks to her, I spent the whole
night on the web, looking into scholarships.

Really? Find anything?

The closest I came was the
Wizard Foundation Prize.

The software company?

Just to apply, they make you fill
out a form, and write an essay.

Um, Daria. That's pretty
much par for the course.

Darn. I guess there's no such thing
as a free ten thousand dollars.

Hmm. Well, good luck.

If I actually follow through. But, I'm hoping
to come to my senses before that happens.

In sum, my world would be made fairer
to the simple step of eliminating all

money. Politicians could serve the
people they represent, instead of the ones

paying for their att*ck ads. CEO's could
stop fouling the planet and cheating

their workers just to keep their stock
prices pumped. And, of course, promising

young students such as myself, could
actually study, instead of spending their

time groveling in scholarship essays.

Wow. You're really
going to send that in?

Why wouldn't I?

The whole point of these scholarships
is to show how marvelously well-adjusted

you are. You're coming all observant
and honest. You know, anti-social.

Look, this is how I write. I wouldn't
want to get the prize based on some phony

essay and phony personality.

What are you looking for?

The umbilical cord. Since you
were obviously born yesterday.

Daria, did I hear you reading
your scholarship essay?

Judging by how calm you
are, I'd say no, you didn't.

Daria.

You girls ready for
some more hot dog slices?

Um, thanks Mr. Morgendorffer, but I think
I'm exactly as woozy as I want to be.

Hey, honey! How does hot dog
jalapeno hotties sound for tonight?

Kind of like the sound of four people
racing to b*at each other to the bathroom.

Jake! Send those hot dogs back!

I can't. I broke the seal.

But they made the mistake!

Well, uh, if you want to get technical
about it, I made the mistake. I kind-of

typed in the wrong product
number. Damn fuzzy computer screen!

Yes, you can eat over.

Is this what you in the legal
profession refer to as discovery?

Um, this is for you. It's from the
Wizard Foundation. I didn't realize you'd

already sent in the application.

You weren't meant to. Oh, great. Now I
have to be interviewed by these people.

Oh, Daria! You got an interview?

Yeah, me and ninety-nine other
finalists. Talk about feeling special.

But, you should feel special. You're a
finalist! You're on your way. Besides,

even making it this far will impress a
college admissions board. It means the

Wizard Foundation's recognized
what a unique individual you are.

Huh. Why does this say occupant?

Hey, Daria. What's up?

Actually, you know that Wizard scholarship
I told you about? I made the finals.

That's great. So did I.

You applied?

Yeah. Thanks for
letting me know about it.

Letting you now about it?

Colleagues, confreres,
amigos de scholasticos.

Gee, trilingual obnoxiousness.

I see from this list I downloaded that
we've all been deemed worthy of the

title, Wizard Foundation Finalist, and
I for one, am basking in the glow of you

two lovely ladies. Not to mention,
my own luminescence. Rrroww.

How many people did you
tell about this scholarship?

Are you kidding? The fewer people who
know about this, the better. I mean,

You know, I'm kind of surprised you
applied, what with the way you were talking.

Hmm. Surprise, surprise.

Yeah. Well, No hard feelings, right?

Why would you have any?

But, did you know that finely sliced
fried wieners are a fun and proteinaceous

party food?

Daria, what are you doing to
prepare for the Wizard interview?

Nothing. With America's studious
sweetheart, Jodie Landon in the competition,

I don't stand a chance.

Jodie applied, too?

After she heard about it from me.

Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world,
you might as well get used to it.

Gee, I don't think I can get any more
used to eating dogs than I am right now.

I mean there's nothing wrong with
competition, as long as you rise to the

occasion. Even if you
need a little outside help.

Okay, that was shoe number one.

I just happened to hear about a coach who
could help you prepare for the interview.

What a mad coincidence.

A couple sessions with Dr. Danada and
you're a guaranteed master of special

interviewing techniques and strategies.

Isn't having someone tell you how
to act and what to say cheating?

He's just teaching you what you'd eventually
have learned from experience anyway.

You mean; that a scholarship
supposedly based on merit can be bought?

Feisty... lady!

No, I won't show you my belly button.

Hmm. But, perhaps you can enlighten me
on some of the special effects you're

planning for your Wizard interview.
Accompanying visuals, charts, graphs,

dancing animals?

Sorry, it's just going to be me,
and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

You know, since we are in
the competition together.

Actually, we're in it separately.

Technically. But, we can still help one
another. Say, by swapping essays to gain

a broader perspective on what they like?

Not interested, thanks. Drive home safe.

Oh, tart-tongued temptress. If you help
me, I might afford you an opportunity to

invest in my dot-com company.

You've started a dot-com?

A modest exotic candies venture, not
unlike the small business that Wizard's

illustrious CEO, Mark Straum began in
his high school days. Care for a wasabi

gummy-fish imported from Tokyo? It's just
the kind that Mr. Straum happens to enjoy.

How do you know?

Extensive research into his likes and
dislikes, and the order he's already

placed on my site.

So, it looks like you were right. Between
Super Jodie and WWW-Upchuck, there's

no way I'm going to win that
scholarship without some kind of highly

uncharacteristic butt-kissing.

Oh, I' sure you'll find a
characteristic way to do it.

What does that mean?

Nothing. You gonna eat that?

Don't you think I'm in a lousy position?

Sure, sure. I just can't get
worked up about it, that's all.

Hey, guys. Mind if I join you?

The more, the merrier.
That's your motto, isn't it?

Look, I didn't do anything wrong. That
scholarship is open to everyone, and you

said you didn't even think you were going
to apply. Can't we just hope that one

of us gets a break?

Gee, which one of us do
you hope gets a break?

Let's level the playing field. My
dad found a coach who preps people for

interviews, and I wanted you
to know about. Here's his card.

Dr. Danada. Of course. I already
knew about him, but um... thanks.

Oh, a coach. That sounds
fair to everybody else.

Is something bugging you?

Not a bit. I think after school, I'll
go home, surf the web, see if there are

any scholarships for underachievers. At
least I'll know I'm not competing with

anyone who was coached.

She almost sounds like you.

Does that mean I've
been sounding like you?

Hi!

If any of us starts to sound
like her, it's time to panic.

Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer.
I'm here to see Daria.

Sure thing! But first, care
for a caramel pop-up corn dog?

Um... thanks.

You know, I can be onto something here.
A pushcart, a nice big umbrella, and hey,

I'm open for business.

Um... I've got to help Daria
prepare for her interview, now.

Why, God? Why are those computer
screens so damn hard to read?

Hey, thanks for helping me out.

I just hope this little run-through will
be enough to do any good. Okay, now I'm

a humorless suit from the Wizard Foundation,
and you're some jaded, high school

snot. In other words, you.

How flattering.

All right, Daria. Let's say that we hire
you to work at Wizard. Not very likely,

but hey. Now, your first assignment is
to fire half your employees. Do you: A,

fire by lottery, B, fire by seniority,
or C, just get rid of any women and

minorities who happened to
have snuck through the gates.

Okay, thanks Tom. Very helpful.

I'm trying to represent Wizard accurately.
So you'll be comfortable with the

face of evil when it
stares into your soul.

What are you talking about?

You've heard about their
hiring policies, haven't you?

I must have fallen behind
in my annual reports again.

So, then you don't know about
their measly two women VP's and one

African-American in senior management.

Really? I wonder if
Jodie's heard about this?

That's it? No righteous indignation?
No protesting of sexism and racism?

This is where you usually leap up and
swear you won't be co-opted by these

bottom-feeding weasels.

Yeah, it is.

So why aren't you leaping and swearing?

Um, my foot's asleep.

So basically, they're hiring practices
and employee relations aren't that

different from the Ku Klux Klan,
if you disregard the dental plan.

Well, You may be overstating things a
little, but I get your point. They're not

what you'd call progressive.

Not progressive?

Hey, Daria. Summit meeting
of the Wizard finalists?

Dad, Daria found out some kind-of questionable
things about Wizard's personnel policies.

No kidding. I guess you didn't see
the interview with their CEO in the

Journal. Talk about your
redneck billionaires.

You already knew about this?

They haven't promoted a woman
or a minority in three years.

So? Who better to win the prize than a
brilliant young woman? Especially, if it

turns out to be a
brilliant young black woman.

That is a good point.

I thought you wouldn't want anything
to do with Wizard, once you found out.

Trying to reduce the competition
by getting me to drop out, huh?

No. I thought we'd both drop out.

And who will win the scholarship then?

Huh?

Look Daria, Wizard's policies have been
prehistoric, yeah. But someone, somewhere

in the organization, is trying to address
that. Or, they wouldn't have created

this prize. Now, do you walk away because
the guy at the top is an idiot, or do

you join the people trying to
change the way he does business?

How do I know they're not just trying
to make him look good, without changing

anything at all?

They won't change anything at all, if
kids like you two don't push your way onto

their radar and show them the error of
their ways. If you don't go up to the

gate and ring the big bell, they've kept
you out without having to do a thing.

Ring the big bell,
Daria! Ring the big bell!

Big bell?

Okay, so my dad thinks he's Martin Luther
King, Jr. Or Quasimodo, I'm not quite

sure. Listen, I've gotta go, or I'll
be late for my coaching session. Did you

sign up with Dr. Danada yet?

Make no mistake about this, Daria.
Knowledge is power. The key to scoring big on

any interview is knowing what they
want, and then delivering that product.

I'm must praying that they
want bulk-rate hot dogs.

Daria, the product is you. Successful
alumni reflect well on colleges and

foundations, so you need to project
'winner' the moment you walk in the door.

Dress for success. Look that interviewer
in they eye, and dazzle them with a

million-dollar smile.

Squander my million-dollar smile on a ten
thousand dollar prize? That's crazy talk.

Daria, if you don't mind my saying so,
you're giving off mixed signals about

wanting this award. You
do want the scholarship?

I guess. But not if it
takes dishonesty to get it.

Is it dishonest to say you're
deserving of the Wizard prize?

See now, that speaks directly to the
ambiguities at issue here. The prize is

given by a company with less than stellar
ethics. So, which would make me more

deserving of the prize? Acting
ethically, or acting unethically?

Let's talk about what
you're going to wear.

So basically, Danada was a complete waste
of time and money. I'll never learn to

suck-up like Jodie.

You shouldn't, anyway.

You're right.

You've gotta be yourself
when you suck-up.

Why do you keep saying that? My whole
problem is that I'm not sucking up.

Really? Then, why did you go to the
coach in the first place? For that matter,

why apply for a scholarship at all?

What?

It's all part of buying into the system,
and buying into the system is another

way of saying sucking up.

Who made you the Chicago Eight?
This isn't the way you usually think.

What do you know about how I think?
Just because a person doesn't go around

applying for scholarships and using every
ten-dollar word they know. It doesn't

mean they're stupid.

Who said you were...

Mr. Brower, allow me to personally
welcome you to Lawndale High. We are very

happy to have three finalists for the
Wizard Scholarship. We'll talk later about

some of your surveillance software.

Let's begin.

Ms. Landon. What would you say are your
strengths as a student and a human being.

That's a good question. My strengths
are that I question, and I care. And, I'm

not afraid to go for it
with my whole heart and soul.

Mr. Ruttheimer, your strengths?

Aside from my far-flung reputation as
a people person, I'd say my strengths

include a daring entrepreneurial bent,
coupled with an unquenchable need to

succeed. Nice tie, by the way.

Ms. Morgendorffer?

I would say that my main
strength is that I don't babble.

Um... Ms. Landon. What
is your greatest weakness?

My believe my greatest weakness is that
sometimes I care too much and try too

hard, and as a consequence, I don't
always take time to smell the roses.

To tell you the truth, I have a weakness
for wasabi gummy-fish. Care for one?

My main weakness is my inability to
answer stock questions with stock answers.

Now, for my last question. Why do you
deserve the Wizard Scholarship? Ms. Landon.

Mr. Brower, I believe in myself and
I hope to achieve a lot in this world.

And then, use everything I've learned
to give back to my community, the way

Wizard is doing now with
this wonderful scholarship.

Mr. Ruttheimer.

Awesome question. I was thinking about
just that when I started my dot-com

company. Because, I'm just the kind
of go-getter the Wizard Scholarship was

created for. Thank you!

Ms. Morgendorffer. Why do you
deserve the Wizard Scholarship?

Whether or not I deserve anything
is irrelevant, assuming you run your

scholarship program the same way you run
your company. Since the token women and

minorities you hire rarely move into
upper management, and since I won't give

the answers you want to hear, in hopes
of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you

can just pass on me, as if I were one of
your female employees up for promotion.

Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a
bit of an attitude problem. Are you trying

to sabotage yourself?

I'm responding to your questions
truthfully. So, I guess the answer is yes.

Too bad. According to my notes, you got
high marks for the light-hearted spoof

you wrote for an essay.

Light-hearted spoof?

So none of us is Wizard
Scholarship material.

I really thought I had a good sh*t. Oh,
hell. Maybe my answers were too damn pat.

Is it possible I imported
the wrong wasabi gummy-fish?

Well, I know why I didn't get it.

Oh, yeah.

No question there.

Definitely.

Hey!

Come on, Daria. You didn't want it.

No, I did want it. It just took me a
while to figure out how badly I wanted it.

How badly was that?

Not badly enough to smile and lie for
the award, but badly enough to get mad at

you for applying. Sorry.

I'm sorry. I should have told you I
was applying. I can't believe I didn't.

I can't believe I went to that coach,
after all my high and mighty posturing

about integrity.

What about both of us sucking up to
the r*cist, sexist g*ons at Wizard?

Yeah. Who would have thought we'd be
able to pursue excellence and scumminess,

both at the same time.

Oh! Why couldn't it have been me?

Jodie told me about the big
brush-off from Wizard. Sorry, kid.

Why were you so anti-scholarship?

No reason. Except maybe... seeing the
big brains compete for a prize based on

their academic achievement. Well deserved,
don't get me wrong. Might possibly

have made little Janey
feel a bit... I don't know.

Left out?

Look, I'm good at the things I'm good
at. Grades isn't one of them. We never

used to think about stuff like this.

I know. What's happened to us?

I don't know. Selling out?

Buying in?

Joining the system?

Being co-opted?

Maybe we're just getting older.

Yeah, I felt a twinge of osteoporosis
when I woke up this morning.

So, you willing to admit yet that
you're more competitive than you thought?

Come on. If I were really competitive,
I'd be in the parking lot right now,

squaring off with the rest of them.

Welcome to Lawndale High's first annual
Hot Diggity Dog Eating Contest, courtesy

of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting. First
prize is a year's supply of Grade A,

quality bulk rate delicious hot dogs.
So, without further ado. Let's begin the

festivities, and may
the best porker win!