01x01 - Drilling and Pounding

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Pam & Tommy". Aired: February 2022.*
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Mini-series that depicts the marriage between Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee and the release of their infamous unauthorized sex tape.
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01x01 - Drilling and Pounding

Post by bunniefuu »

JAY LENO: Gee, you know,
I never imagined there was

something sex-related
Pamela Anderson doesn't know.

PAM: [chuckles]
All right, all right.

JAY: All right, all right.

Now, speaking of sex--
and I have to ask--

- Yes.
- The tape.

[crowd murmurs, jeers]

Well, yeah, fellas,
we all want to know.

- What tape, Jay?
- All right, all right.

"What tape?" Yeah.

Now, obviously,
I haven't seen it, you know.

- No, of course not.
- I want to.

Just haven't
gotten a copy yet, but--

There's a tape out there
floating around, okay?

- Mm.
- A lot of people are talking

about this tape, particularly,
for some reason, men.

Imagine that.

[crowd laughs]
JAY: Oh, I think we have it.

Now, what's that like, huh?

What's it like to have
that kind of exposure?

- What's it like?
- Yeah.


[man and woman moaning]

TOMMY: So f*cking good!

[muffled grunting,
nail g*n sh**t]

You like that?

BOTH: Yeah!


Oh, yeah, baby! f*ck me!

TOMMY: Yeah.
PAM: f*ck me!

Oh, f*ck my tight,
little p*ssy!

[both moaning]

Oh, God.

[moaning continues wildly]

[both exclaiming]

TOMMY: f*ck!



[Fatboy Slim's "Praise You"]

♪ ♪

You okay, Rand?
RAND: Yeah, all good.

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ We've come a long,
long way together ♪

♪ Through the hard times
and the good ♪

♪ I have to celebrate you,
baby ♪

♪ I have to praise you
like I should ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I have to celebrate you,
baby ♪

♪ I have to praise you
like I should ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I have to praise you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I have to praise you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I have to praise you ♪

♪ ♪

[muffled grunting, moaning]


TOMMY: You like that?


f*ck me!

[indistinct talking]

[footsteps descending stairs]

[rock music]

What's up, broskis?

[inhales sharply]
How's it going?

♪ ♪

[music stops]


[saw whirring]


This strong enough?
- Yeah, plenty.

Uh, , -pound max.




It's gonna be sick, yo.



You know what?
What if the bed...

was over here?

Then you could be, like,
chilling in bed,

taking in a little
sexy shower action, and then...


Mirror opens!

[imitating mechanics buzzing]

f*cking full view!

How f*cking pimp
would that be, huh?


you know, that's really
more of a carpentry issue.

What do you say?


I mean--
- There a problem, bro?

I just finished this.

You yank out a couple of nails.

It's just a little
more complicated than that.

How complicated can it be?

Couple of pieces of wood.

- It's not impossible, man.
- Then what's the problem?

I mean, look, moving it
at this stage,

it's gonna cost.


I don't give a f*ck about cost.

I sold million albums.

You think I can't afford

to f*cking move a bed
ten feet to the left?

No, of course you can.

TOMMY: What'd I say when
we first started this job?

Money is no object.


Therefore, that being the case,

is there a reason you can't
move the bed a few feet

to the left so that I can
have a view of the shower

and the retractable mirror?



Then f*cking do it.

[distant engine turning over]

f*cking d*ck.

I put the bed exactly
where he said.

I know.

- We discussed it at length.
- I was there.

I'm like, "Are you sure
that's where you want the bed?"

He's like, "I'm positive."

And then he just
changes his mind.

It's like, at least

take responsibility
for it, you know, own up to it.

He acts like it's
my f*cking fault,

like I picked
a bad spot for his bed.

It's the same shit he pulled
with the light switches.

- I remember.
- He said he wanted them high.

And then one day he comes in--

"No, no, no.
I want them low."

That's bullshit, man.
We heard you say high.

We all heard it.
What's happening here?

f*cking rockstars.

It's gonna cost a grand

to move that bedframe,
at least.

This guy already
owes me $ , .

Owes me almost $ , .

You said
he'd pay us half up front.

Are you sure?
- Positive.

So what the f*ck?
[engine turning over]

Also, whole job
on my Discover card,

at % interest.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

f*cking rockstars.

SINGER: ♪ Ooh, baby, do you
know what that's worth? ♪

♪ Ooh,
heaven is a place on Earth ♪

♪ They say in heaven,
love comes first ♪

♪ Ooh,
heaven is a place on Earth ♪

♪ ♪

[music ends abruptly]

[dogs barking,
insects chirping]

[thoughtful music]

♪ ♪

[static hissing]

I mean, aren't you guys
supposed to give me,

like, a final warning
or something?

PERSON: That is your warning.
- Well, no, this is a notice.

Like, you didn't say,
"If you don't pay your bill

by such and such day, we're
gonna cut off your cable."

You know,
that would be a warning.

PERSON: Our records indicate
you're three months past due.


Well, thank you, Carol.


God damn it!

[winces, groans]

[romantic ' s music]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm wondering, darling ♪

♪ Why you went away ♪

♪ Oh, I'm wondering ♪

♪ Each and every day ♪

♪ Don't you know
that I'm wondering ♪

♪ Why you hurt me so? ♪

♪ Oh, I'm wondering ♪

♪ Oh, why I love you so ♪

♪ Oh, my darling... ♪

[light music playing on TV]

♪ ♪

[wood creaking]

[hammers pounding]

[saw whirring]

How much is this?
- $ . .

[light music]

RAND: How much for two?
[register beeping]

$ . .

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ I can hardly see ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Can't pick up now... ♪

TOMMY: How's it going?

Good! [chuckles]

Yo, you should see what
the love chef's cooking up.

- Yeah?
- Tell them.

Uh, hey, yeah,
it's a lot of stuff.

And, um, it's cool.

cool ain't the word, bro.

We're talking
f*cking futuristic,

Love Pad .

- Yeah?
- Stripper pole...

f*cking open shower,
shag-carpet walls...

- Oh, shit.
- Chinese swing,

pillow pit,
big-ass waterbed.

you ain't f*cking around, huh?

I will be.

Me and Pam gonna
make some babies.


Excuse me, sorry,
did you say waterbed just now?


m*therf*cker wants a waterbed.

Are you sure he said that?


Maybe he meant it,
like, figuratively.

is not a metaphor, man.

He meant--
he meant a real waterbed.

Oh, my God, he is--

He's a f*cking--
Out of his mind is what he is.

A waterbed
is a whole other setup.

You need a heater.
You need a liner bed.

You need an elevated deck.

All that costs money,
a fuckload of money.

You'll just have
to explain it to him.

- Me?
- You're the structure guy.

This is a budget issue!

Well, he's gonna
have construction questions.

You're way better equipped
to explain.

No, f*ck. no!
I'm not talking to that guy.

- Fine, we'll flip for it.
- I would like that.

- Heads or tails?
- Tails all day.


♪ Get out of my face ♪

♪ You're
a total damn disgrace ♪

♪ ♪

[signing indistinctly]

♪ You can't tell me
what to do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's my world, bitch ♪

♪ Got your back to the wall ♪

♪ My world, bitch ♪

♪ You ain't got the balls ♪

♪ ♪

You ain't got the balls!

Ah, ah!

[music ends]


Uh, yo, about the waterbed...

they're expensive, man.

[breathing heavily]

LONNIE: What'd he say?

- Turn it over.

"Money is no object."

He says the waterbed
is nonnegotiable,

that it's a key part
of his vision.


Only if he pays up front,
any and all overages.

Right, yes, yes.

- Good, you'll let him know.
- Me?

[muffled rock music playing]

♪ ♪

[g*n cocks]

- Oh, shit.
- Whoa, dude.

- How f*cking dope is that?
- Dude.

f*cking Colt
Combat Commander--

[g*n clicks]

Custom-engraved f*cking
mother-of-pearl grip.

- Shit, you not.

ACE: What's one of these
bad boys run you, huh?

- Aw, this little jammie?
- Yeah.

Set me back about seven Gs--
worth every penny.

Best paparazzi repellant
money can buy.


[clears throat]
TOMMY: See ya, bitch.

[clears throat]

So I talked to Lonnie,
the contractor.

- I know who Lonnie is.
- Oh, cool, yeah.

So we can do the waterbed.
- Mm!

Right on.

It's gonna cost
significantly more.

- Whatevs.
- And...

It's just...
- What?

We'd like you
to pay us up front.

You think
I'm not good for it?

No, obviously
that's not the case, yeah.

I can't afford a waterbed?

I'm not saying that.

What the f*ck you saying,

I'm not saying anything.

I'm saying nothing.
I'm not saying shit.


Nah, I'm funnin' you!


Dude, it's empty!

I'm--I'm funnin' you!
- f*cking look at his face.

I'll pay up front.

No "problemo."
ACE: He's got money, dude.


He's not poor.


[rock music]

[both breathing heavily]

I'm not opening it.

Not until I get
f*cking reimbursed for it.

I'll talk to him.


I got this.

[objects clatter]

- What the f*ck?
- Uh, I'm--I'm sorry.

I thought--I'm sorry.

- I
- I thought--I thought, uh, you were your husband.

- You thought I was my husband.
- No, sorry.

I'm sorry.


What's up?

What happened?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪


TOMMY: f*cking d*ck.

- What the f*ck, bro?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You f*cking perving
on my wife?

- I was not! Please!
- Hey, hey, hey.

She said you were
full-on creeping.

I swear, I wasn't!
I was not!

Oh, you calling
my wife a liar?

No, no.
It was a mistake, man, please!

I-I-I was looking for you.
I was just looking for you.

The f*ck you looking
for me for?

- For the money.

The money.

We were very clear that
before we do any more work,

we have to--
we have to be reimbursed.

♪ ♪

That's all.




Look at this.

f*cking shoddy-ass work.

What, the tiles?
They're not sealed yet!


what the f*ck kind
of wood is this?

- That's Madagascan pine.
- Hmm.


Looks cheap.

It's one of the most
expensive woods on the planet.


You m*therf*ckers
are f*cking ripping me off.

- We're ripping you off?
- Oh, yeah.

- You owe me $ , , dude.
- Me $ , !

Running up a bunch
of phony bullshit overages.

They're not overages.
They're charges.

For our work.

Well, guess what.

You ain't getting d*ck,

'cause your work sucks
and I'm f*cking done.

- Done?
- Yeah.

What does that mean?

It means
you're f*cking fired.


Get the f*ck out of my house.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

We should sue.

We should sue
his arrogant rockstar ass.

Legal fees--

they'd more than what he owes,
if we even won.

- Of course we'd win.
- [scoffs]

He'd probably hire
some f*cking dream team,

O.J.'s guys or some shit.

You're gonna let him bend you
over and f*ck you in the ass?

Pass the lube.

You know what?

It's all right...

because he will get
what is coming to him.

- What you talking about?
- I'm talking about karma.

Happiness comes
due to good actions,

suffering results
from evil actions.

The Mahabharata.
- Mahabha


One of the two major Sanskrit
epics of Ancient India,

the other one
being the Ramayana,

which is also very good.
- Huh?

I'm a bit
of an amateur theologian.

I study religion.


Because it's beautiful.

The righteous,
they get rewarded.

The wicked, they get punished.

- Mm, karma.
- It's karma.

I hope the universe kicks
that rockstar m*therf*cker

square in his nuts.

It will.

I have full f*cking faith.

[soft music playing on TV]

[people moaning on TV]

♪ ♪


PERSON: Hello?
- Hey, Kenzo, Rand Gauthier.

Could you buzz me
in please real quick?


Rand Gauthier,
I'm the carpenter.

KENZO: You have an

No, I'm part--I've--

I've been working here
the last few months,

and I-I just forgot some stuff.

I came here
to grab it real quick.

Mr. Lee, he know you coming?


[gate beeps]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Thanks so much, Kenzo.

Forgot my keys,
you know, so...

Let yourself out.

[tense music]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

[g*n cocks]
TOMMY: Freeze, m*therf*cker!

♪ ♪

Turn around!

What the f*ck
do you think you're doing?

Just getting my tools.

♪ ♪


Your tools.
- Yeah.


Nuh-uh, bro.

That shit is mine.

That is f*cking collateral
for leaving me in the lurch.

You fired us.

Now I got to bring in
a whole new crew.

Do you have any idea
what that's gonna cost?

A f*cking fortune.

After all that,
you think I'm gonna just

let you waltz back in here
to take back your tools?


You ain't walking
out of here with shit!

You ain't walking out
with a f*cking wingnut.

Put down the toolbox.

♪ ♪

[toolbox thuds]

Now get the f*ck
off my property.

♪ ♪

[breathing heavily]

Come on, Bev, just this once.

BEV: Oh, it's always
just this once.

Look, you take him tonight.

I'll do the next
three weekends, I swear.

BEV: What's her name?
PERSON: Whose name?

BEV: The floozy that's
more important than your son.

PERSON: There's no floozy.
BEV: On, no?

Then what's the big emergency?

PERSON: Well, something
came up, all right?

I got plans.
BEV: Plans?

PERSON: Yeah, that's right.
BEV: What kind of plans?

PERSON: The kind of plans
that are none

of your f*cking business!

Now, are you gonna help me
or not?

[Bev sighs]
PERSON: Fine! f*ck it!

[Bobby Hebb's "Sunny"]

SINGER: ♪ Sunny ♪

♪ Yesterday
my life was filled with rain ♪

♪ Sunny, you smiled at me
and really eased the pain ♪

♪ Oh, the dark days are done,
the bright days are here ♪

♪ My sunny one
shines so sincere ♪

♪ Sunny one so true,
I love you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Sunny, thank you
for that sunshine bouquet ♪

♪ Sunny ♪

♪ Thank you for the love
you've brought my way ♪

PERSON: Listen, buddy,

under no circumstances are you
allowed to leave this room.


SINGER: ♪ Sunny one so true,
I love you ♪

[person speaking indistinctly
on TV]

♪ Sunny, thank you
for the truth you let me see ♪

♪ Sunny, thank you
for the facts from A to Z ♪

♪ My life was torn
like windblown sand... ♪

PERSON: We did
Bye Bye Birdie together,

on Broadway.

He's a great guy.

Speaking of great guys,

you know who I had lunch
with the other day?

PERSON: Robert Vaughn.

PERSON : Robert Vaughn?

PERSON : You know everyone.
PERSON: That's right.

You're right I do.

♪ ♪


[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You're a worthless
piece of shit.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter on TV]

♪ ♪

[engine turning over]

♪ ♪

[laughter on TV]
- [chuckling] Mm-hmm.

[phone rings]



We're gonna take
that assh*le down a peg.

I thought karma
was handling that.

I am karma.

And I'm a bitch.

[Nine Inch Nails' "Closer"]

♪ ♪

♪ You let me violate you ♪

[engine revving,
tires squealing]

♪ You let me desecrate you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You let me penetrate you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You let me complicate you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Help me,
I broke apart my insides ♪

♪ Help me,
I've got no soul to sell ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Help me, the only thing
that works for me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Help me get away
from myself ♪

♪ I wanna f*ck you
like an animal ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wanna feel you
from the inside ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wanna f*ck you
like an animal ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My whole existence
is flawed ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You get me closer to God ♪

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

LONNIE: [chuckles]
Man, long time, no see.

What the f*ck is this?

♪ ♪

The times the new crew came
and went

in August and September...

paparazzi arrivals
and departures...

Tommy and Pamela sleep hours.

♪ ♪


Are you ready?

We certainly are.

We enter here, the shortest
point in the fence.

We exit through here.

This gate opens automatically
from the inside.


Not so fast.

There's still the not-so-small
issue of the security camera.

Disable it.

They'll still see us
on the approach.

Aren't we gonna be, like,

wearing some ski masks
or something?

Disguising our identity
is not the problem.

This security camera
is connected

to a -hour offsite
surveillance team.

They see us coming,
cops will be rolling up

before we get to the garage.

So we're screwed.

Not if they don't
see us coming.

You really think
this is gonna work?

The quality on these cameras
is shit.

As long as we stay
on all fours,

we will look like that dog.

- I don't know about this, man.
- I used to install them, okay?

The feed, it's like
the f*cking moon landing.


Okay, maybe this isn't
such a good idea.

[distant engine turning over]

You're getting cold feet
on me.

- We could go to jail.
- No one's going to jail.


It's a crime.
We're committing a crime.

All we're doing
is getting our money back

in a slightly different form.

- The stuff in there...
- Yeah.

- What if it's worth more?
- Than he owes us?

- Mm-hmm.
- That is "compentory" damages

for our pain and our suffering.

People spill hot coffee
on themselves at McDonald's,

they get $ million.

You don't think, after
the hell he put us through,

we deserve a measly
couple hundred grand?

I think we do.

Isn't it "compensatory"?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Compensatory damages.


I'm pretty sure the word
is "compensatory."


[upbeat jazz music]


[phone rings]


RAND: Tomorrow, hours,
we strike.


You there?


Yo, what's the matter, man?

Um, look, Rand, I don't think
I'm gonna go with you, man.

What do you mean?


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪


[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

[solemn music]

♪ ♪

[objects clattering]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪


Shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.


♪ ♪

[lights clank]

Oh, shit. f*ck.
Oh, f*ck.

Oh, God.

♪ ♪


[distant birds chirping]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- Good morning, my sweet love.
- Mm.

I'll go make some coffee.

I think we're out.

[yawns] There's more
in the garage.

♪ ♪

How's it going?

Yeah, it's good.


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[popping lips]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[saw whirring]

[whirring continues]

[Primal Scream's
"Movin' On Up"]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ I was blind,
now I can see ♪

♪ You made a believer
out of me ♪

♪ I was blind, now I can see ♪

♪ You made a believer
out of me ♪

♪ I'm moving on up now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Getting out
of the darkness ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My light shines on,
my light shines on ♪

♪ My light shines on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I was lost,
now I'm found ♪

♪ I believe in you,
I got no bounds ♪

♪ I was lost, now I'm found ♪

♪ I believe in you,
I got no bounds ♪

♪ I'm moving on up now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Getting out of the darkness ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My light shines on,
my light shines on ♪

♪ My light shines on... ♪

And can't we take
that stupid thing off him?

No, the vet said
if he scratches the scabs,

they'll never heal.

And I have noticed, if you sit
him next to the telly,

Channel comes in
a lot clearer.

[canned laughter]

MARTIN: Look at him.
He's humiliated.

[conversation continues

[thoughtful music]

♪ ♪

Ingley Studios.

Yes, is Miltie there, please?

Who may I say is calling?

Austin Moore.

I'm afraid that's not
good enough.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to review your briefs.

Well, my briefs
are right here.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪


Slow--slow down, Jeff.

All right,
now really get in there.

Yeah, give her the full menu.

Steve, bring this PAR can up,
bump it up to .


[person moaning]


MILTIE: What's shaking, man?
Long time.

- I know. it's been forever.
- What brings you by?

You looking for work?
Carpentry? a**l?

I was actually--I was--
Do you have a minute?

♪ ♪

Yeah, I got about ten.

All right, just keep it slow.

Come on.

Business looks like
it's going great.

Dude, the Valley's
f*cking booming.

AVN projects we're gonna hit
$ billion by .

$ billion?

Did you know more people

are now watching movies at home
on VHS than in theaters?

- Seriously?
- Yeah. Traci.

Hey, is that the new thing?
Is it called a landing strip?

TRACI: Yeah.
- I love it, I love it.

You should do one, too.

- Hey, Traci.
- Jeff, you're up in .

Let's get it stiff.

Yeah, the VCR is king.

And we have just the hard
black object people want

to stick in their slots.

I'm thinking about opening

my own chain
of adult video stores--


Like Blockbuster but cock.


- Wow.
- [chuckles]

Oh, shit.


Look how young I look.

Remember this?


Mm, that thing is still
on our back catalog top .

Totally deserves to be.


So what'd you want
to talk about?

Can you play Hi- ?

Yeah, that's what we do.

All right.

Let's see what we got.

PERSON: ♪ Got boned ♪

Yeah, and he had a big penis.

PERSON: [chuckles]
How big was it, though?

Yeah, how big...?

What the f*ck is this?

Just fast forward.

[camera clicks, whirring]

Holy shit,
that's Pamela Anderson.

Uh, yeah, it is.

TOMMY: Where you going?
- Keep going.

Who's this guy?

Tommy Lee.


Keep going forward.

Where'd you get this?

Just--just keep
fast forwarding.

[both gasp]
Go back, go back, go back.

Play, play, play.

PAM: [moaning] Baby,
I love you so f*cking much.

Yeah, give it to me.
TOMMY: You're my f*cking wife.

I want one of those babies.
Yeah, give it to me, babe!

TOMMY: f*ck!
[both moaning]

PAM: Baby.

Holy f*ck.

PAM: Oh, yeah.

[Beti Webb's "I Have, I Have"]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Have you ever
thought how small you are ♪

♪ In the world today? ♪

♪ Well, I have, I have ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Have you ever thought
about the universe ♪

♪ Or the Milky Way? ♪

♪ Well, I have, I have ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But to me,
you're great, baby ♪

♪ You'll never be small ♪

♪ You'll always stand out
far above them all ♪

♪ You're like sh**ting stars
and brilliant lights ♪

♪ Fancy cars
and wonderful sights ♪

♪ And you're mine, baby ♪

♪ Yes, you're mine baby ♪

♪ And I have, I have you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Have you ever thought
that you're, oh, so small? ♪

♪ Maybe you would like
to be great ♪

♪ Well, I have, I have ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You're the only one
I can see ♪

♪ You're the only one for me ♪

♪ 'Cause you're fine, baby ♪

♪ Yes, you're fine, baby ♪

♪ And I have, I have ♪
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