06x23 - All the Presidents' Heads

[bunniefuu]

Good news, everyone.

Remember when you asked to see my family tree?

All: No.

Ta-da!

(Whirring)

This is my ancestor

Philo Farnsworth, inventor of television,

and as a bonus, childhood obesity.

And here's Dean Farnsworth,

developer of the Farnsworth test for colorblindness.

Where is he, blasted?!

And just recently, I learned of a modern-day Farnsworth

who invented the anti-senility truss.

That's you, Professor.

(Mutters)

Ah, yes, the Farnsworths boast

a proud and distinguished lineage.

No wormy fruit on this tree.

What about fry?

Isn't he your distant Uncle? (Snoring)

Very distant.

Not a true Farnsworth, mind you.

He's way over here on this filthy branch

riddled with fungus and dung beetles.

(Snoring)

(Snoring, gasps)

What's with the 17 dung beetles?

Well, it's 6:00.

I guess we'll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow.

Good work, people. (Whooping)

Time to go clubbing!

Baby seals, here I come.

(Sighs) Guess I better head over to my night job.

You have a night job?

Yup. It's exhausting,

but I need the extra money to buy coffee

so I can stay awake for my night job.

- But... - Got to go!

(Crickets chirping)

You've got a surprising amount of algae

Oh! Ow!

Oh! Lay off my trademark mole!

Hi, Lars.

Fry. Whatever.

I'm heading out to my night job.

Remember, no loud noise, no head bowling,

and no parties, or it'll be your ass in a jar.

I want to go to that museum!

(Munching)

Man, this place is a snooze.

Hey, fry,

I challenge president taft here to a pie-eating contest.

You're on, skinny.

Sorry, guys. You know the rules.

No fun allowed.

Come on, you pansy! I'm thirsty!

I want me some Tennessee loopy juice!

And I want loose women!

The kind that aren't afraid to show a little ankle.

(Whispering): Or elbow.

No visitors. I'll lose my job.

Oh, boo-hoo, I'll lose my minimum wage job.

(Laughter)

You're mean, rutherford b. Hayes!

Listen here, young man.

We have nothing to fear

but running out of beer.

(Sighs) Oh!

All right, one small get-together,

but let's keep it quiet and dignified.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (Laughs)

Ooh-wee!

(Laughter and whooping)

All: Four more beers!

Four more beers!

Yes!

Right in the ike!

(Panting) Nice elbow action.

So, you grow hemp.

Yes. And, uh, you do what with it?

All manner of things.

Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...

Oh. Well, nice talking to you.

Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.

Let me give you my pager number.

Hey, Reagan, remember when you asked to see my family tree?

I asked you to leave me alone.

(Whirring)

The Farnsworths are a remarkable...

Farnsworth?! That name is a stain on American history.

One of the worst traitors of the revolution was a Farnsworth.

- You're lying! - He's George Washington.

He tends not to do that.

David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter.

He conspired to bring down our nation

with his fraudulent currency!

A Farnsworth did this?

Oh, dear! My good name is ruined!

Hi. I'm Jerry.

I like movies.

♪ ♪

Anyone seen ulysses grant?

He owes me a cheroot.

He's over there, puking in the bushes.

Both: No!

(All gasping)

Oh, boy.

Mr. Fry!

Why are all these people standing around...

When they should be partying?

(Cheering)

(Dance music playing)

Hey, hey, lbj, you want to get drunk?

Oh, hell, yeah.

(Grunting)

Zoidberg, no!

The effects of jar juice

aren't fully understood.

Eh, not bad. A hint of vitalis and...

Whoa!

I recognize this.

It's the 1960s!

I did a report on it for my drug-taking class.

Hi, I'm Andy warhol,

and you're some kind of marvelous lobster-man.

Right on.

Say, you got any real soup, or just this schlock?

(Whoosh)

What a horrid bore.

Ooh. Huh?

Far out.

That head gave me a total head trip!

Really? I'm gonna lick Herbert Hoover's head.

All: Lick the head!

Lick the head!

(Chiming, whoosh)

Whoa, a speakeasy!

One prohibited beverage, please.

Hey, Dutch, the new still is here!

I'm not a still. I just smell like one.

(Tires screeching, police siren wailing)

Man (With Irish accent): Dutch Schultz, come out with your bootleg whiskey.

We're thirsty!

(g*nf*re)

(g*nsh*t)

(Whoosh)

What the heck is going on?

Jefferson, did you sell me some bad rope?

It must have something to do with the jar fluid.

(Sniffing) Aha!

Dr. Cahill, do I detect a trace of opalescence?

Very observant, Professor.

To preserve the heads, we use a rare form

of powdered crystalline opal.

(Mechanical rhythmic humming)

This is the world's entire supply.

Yet it's so powerful, it should last a thousand years.

It keeps the heads alive, but we don't know how.

Why did it give us those hallucinations?

Because it didn't!

Uh, yeah-huh.

Opal has unusual temporal properties.

It preserves each head in a time stasis bubble.

Ergo, licking those heads actually sent us back in time

to their original eras. Look!

Zoidberg: Ugh!

Schlock and more schlock.

Psst. Is the coast clear?

Button your yap, you mug.

I've discovered a new means of time travel.

I'll call it the Farnsworth effect!

Nice try,

but even this discovery won't undo the treachery wrought

by your nefarious ancestor David Farnsworth.

It will if we go back in time and stop him!

(Gasps) Oh!

Professor, no! You can't tongue the father of our country!

Where are we?

Also, when are we?

68th and Broadway, colonial era.

(Cow bell jingles, cow lowing)

Rush hour.

By my calculations,

this head trip will last at most 24 hours.

We need to stop that monster David Farnsworth!

Leela: Look at the date on this newspaper.

April 17, 1775.

Say, on this exact date,

the continental congress was meeting secretly in New York.

Maybe they can help us.

But they could be meeting anywhere.

What are we going to do, search building to building?

Professor: We'll start with that one.

Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you?

Nay!

John hancock

and John Adams of Massachusetts?

Yea! Yea!

The yeas have it.

Our nation's official joke state shall be new Jersey.

(Knocking)

Uh-oh.

(Munching, swallowing)

(g*ns cocking, door squeaks open)

Ah, 'tis just our new crock pot.

Watch it, wiggy.

I ain't no stinking crock.

We'll see about that in five hours.

Halt! From whence comest thou, one-eyed maiden?

Uh... ever been to Peru?

Certainly not.

I'm from Peru.

Clam up, founding fathers.

We need help locating the treacherous forger

who forged this forgery.

(Gasping)

My word.

If these enter circulation,

our economy will be destroyed,

and with it, our chance at independence.

Only one man in the colonies

has a printing press fine enough to make these.

Our good friend Ben Franklin!

Uh-oh. Isn't Franklin in Philadelphia?

When he's not in Charlotte or Marybelle or Louisa.

(Laughter)

I don't get it.

I'm sure no one's ever said this before,

but I must get to Philadelphia as quickly as possible!

Oh! Why couldn't my disgraced ancestor

have lived in the nascar era?

(Door squeaks open)

Dr. Franklin, your new steam engine is here.

I ain't no stinking steam engine!

(Ding) Chicken's ready.

You may go, Louisa.

Now I get it.

(Vibrating)

Fascinating. Be you man or machine?

Mostly machine. Might be a couple of dead cats in there.

Dr. Franklin, with all due respect

to the brilliant inventor of the... stove,

I must speak with you. Hmm?

I'm looking for the scoundrel who made this.

Intricate filigree, satanic symbols.

Looks like one of mine.

(Gasps) But no, this is a fake!

Duh. It says "colony of Maffachufetts."

(Scoffs) More like Taxachufetts.

(Sighs) That's just how we print "s"s, you ftupid fhitheads.

Someone must have used my press

while I was poking around in Charlotte.

Let's ask my apprentice, David Farnsworth.

(Gasps) Farnsworth?!

That's him! Arm yourselves!

I call it the Franklinator.

(Door squeaks open, gasps)

(Squeaking)

The apprentice's suite is empty! He's gone!

Wait. What's that glistening in the chamber pot?

Let's find out!

Bender, do you know what a chamber pot is?

I don't know, and I don't care.

A Massachusetts halfpenny?

Probably fake, too.

There's one way to find out.

(All groaning in disgust) What?

Bender bit a poo penny. Bender bit a poo penny.

Look, 'tis but worthless tin.

Where could Farnsworth have minted such a high quality fake?

Not here. But, you know,

I have a friend in Boston who's an expert silversmith.

They could be connected.

There's only like 40 people who do anything around here.

But Boston's 300 Miles away,

and bender kicked our horse to death.

We'll never get there in time.

Unless you have another invention up your sleeve.

(Scoffs)

Hmm...

(Thunder crashes, rain falling)

How is this going to get us to Boston?

Ow!

(Grumbling)

Stupid Franklin.

I will get you!

(Grumbling)

Ah, that scrap metal I ordered is here.

I'm 40% scrap metal. (Metallic clang)

Well, Ben Franklin, my fellow son of liber...

Teakettles.

Yes, I've made some new teakettles.

Perfect for special occasions.

Like hanging king George in effigy...

And "h" and "I" are monograms you can put on those kettles.

What are you looking at, you British bastards?

Paul, we talked about this.

Mr. Revere, we're looking for a counterfeiter

who minted these smelly halfpennies.

His name is David Farnsworth.

Fasworth? I just hired him

for the fall candlestick rush.

He's in the foundry this very moment.

(All gasp)

Everybody, take a Franklinator.

Aw, I got a chipmunk.

Hee-yah!

Uh, wha...?

David Farnsworth, I presume?

(In cockney accent): I is Davy Farnsworth.

Foof. You're a disgrace to the very name

(imitating David) "Farnsworth."

Look out. He's got a bezelling planisher.

That's rig.

Who wants to be bezelled?

(Both grunting)

(Grunting)

You idiot. I'm not a Cannon.

Huh. I guess I am a Cannon.

(Groans)

Time to prune the family tree.

Wha!

(All cheering)

Huzzah!

I've saved the Farnsworth name.

(Panting)

Urgent message for Mr. Revere.

"Mr. Revere,

"pray do not 'fhit' your pants.

"The British att*ck has begun.

Cross the river and watch for my signal."

I must ride.

(Horse whinnies)

He has so much stuff.

He won't miss this.

Let's burn these counterfeits

and paddle the next swan boat the hell out of Boston.

Here you go. Thanks.

Say, where did you get that lantern?

From that old church to the north.

They had two burning, so I figured they wouldn't miss one.

"One if by land, two if by sea."

The British are coming. The British are coming.

By land. By land.

Gotta treat this OCD. Gotta treat this OCD.

Fry, you dope.

You've really screwed the grannie this time.

History needed that second lantern.

We'd better stop Paul revere before...

(In English accent): I guess everything worked out

jolly all right, eh, governor?

(Laughing)

(In English accent): What's with the fruity accent, ducky?

Bollocks, I got it, too.

(In English accent): Where's all the presidents heads, then?

(In English accent): I say.

Appears we've changed history too much.

Disaster of nightmarish proportions and whatnot.

Quite.

Where have you blokes been?

You nearly missed elevenses.

Who's for tea and shmavouries?

What in bloody hell's going on around here, I says.

Indeed. What's become of the dear old usa?

Beg pardon?

The revolution?

1776 and what all?

Oh, the colonial dustup.

Well, there's nothing we brits enjoy more

than a good documentary.

Turn on the tellyvisor, Dr. Zoidsmythe.

I'll dial up the beeb.

They've always got a nice docky-wocky on.

Narrator: The vanquished pride of the Yankees,

or, America the dutiful.

North America, or west britannia

as we now call it, has been under British rule

for 1400 years, all thanks to a nutter

known as "wrong-way revere."

The British are coming by land, by land.

(Laughing goofily)

But we came by sea, we did.

Surprised the yanks at Lexington,

ending the rebellion with nary a kipper scuffed.

Scuffed kippers, anyone?

Right kind of you, mum.

The humiliated conspirators

were forced to sign the declaration of dependence,

proclaiming British rule forever.

Meanwhile, a loyal brit

by the name of David Farnsworth

tracked down the traitor George Washington,

and bravely smothered him with his wig.

(Washington gasping)

Oh, criminy.

In gratitude, king George named Farnsworth a Duke

and granted his family massive land-holdings in the colonies.

Blimey. I've never felt

so ashamed to be a Farnsworth.

Will my lord be returning

to his massive land-holdings for luncheon?

Huh, wha?

(Yawns)

I know we're ladies-in-waiting,

but what are we waiting for?

How should I know?

Just shut up and wait.

Say, how is it that we've got socialized medicine,

but me teeth still look like this?

Can't we just go back in time, and set things right again?

Don't want to.

Rather nice, living under the crown and so forth.

Rather. Oh!

What's more, couldn't go back, even if we wanted to.

No more crystalline opal left

in all the world, don't you know.

My lord, the queen is here

for her weekly, er, visit.

The queen?

Sounds most satisfactory.

All of you, out.

Right then.

Let's go play some quoits, whatever that is.

♪ ♪

Presenting the queen of england,

America, and two parking spaces in Tokyo.

Where's me consort at?

C-consort?

That's right, love.

Fer centuries, the Farnsworth gentlemen

has provided service to the queen.

Now, close your eyes and think of england.

I say.

What's that in your crown?

You mean the andamooka opal?

That's the most precious gem in all the...

(Clanging) Yes.

Three rubbers on the hobb.

(Professor panting)

Stop him!

He crowned me in the knickers and nicked me crown.

(All panting)

Freeze.

Or we'll be forced to continue chasing you,

since we don't carry g*ns.

Indubitably.

(All panting)

We've got to go back in time and set things straight.

Hurry up and lick Washington's head again.

We can't. There's no George Washington

nor any other presidents.

What about this bloke?

He's from revolutionary times.

Farnsworth.

Hey, you're the plonkers what candlesticked me.

Well, I showed you.

I k*lled George Washington,

and now I'm married to one of the spice girls.

Don't rightly know which one.

Bender, fetch me that powdered opal.

(Grunting)

It's time to restore dignity to the Farnsworth name.

Ew!

There.

That time I left both lanterns in place.

And I hit Farnsworth much, much harder.

Perhaps too hard.

Look, all the presidents are back.

Even John Tyler.

That's the first time anyone's spoken

to me in 1,200 years.

Yes, from Chester A. Arthur to Chester Z. Arthur,

they're all here.

Our Republic

and the Farnsworth family name are saved.

And no one will ever know.