06x18 - The Tip of the Zoidberg

[bunniefuu]

Two... two, three...

(mechanical whirring)

Mom on deck! Ten...

(grunts)

All right, grunts,

here's your pre-mission pep talk.

sh**t anyone who doesn't obey hard enough.

But...

Stop gaining knowledge, Hubert.

(grunts)

It's a simple mission.

The grunts catch the alien, the surgeon guts it,

and you smuggle the poison parts back here.

Uh, something about poison, got it.

By the way, that surgeon--

where is he?

You! Where's the butcher?

Ma'am, I don't know, ma'am. His duffel bag arrived.

(Zoidberg groans)

ZOIDBERG: It's not a duffel bag.

It's my apartment!

Hubert, meet John Zoidberg.

You need an alien hacked to pieces,

he's the best there is...

in the budget category.

Have you ever dissected a yeti before?

(chortles) Himalayan or Neptunian?

Tritonian. (gasps)

A Tritonian yeti?

You two aren't up to anything unethical,

- are you? - Relax.

There's nothing unethical

about covert biological weapons research.

I said relax!

(both gasp)

(Owls hooting)

Ah, Zoidberg, we've known each other so long

that sometimes I don't think we even need words

to understand each other.

What?

Once and for all, Fry,

even though it's the future,

most objects are still just objects,

not aliens who look like objects.

So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations

with the Cactus People were doomed from the start.

So you're in pain and have a bunch of needles?

I prescribe acupuncture. Let's begin.

(Fry screams)

Blood?!

I mean... blood.

Put it back in me!

I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice.

He's developed Simpson's Jaundice.

Ay carumba.

His only hope is some replacement liver.

Yours looks like a good match.

Well, if it'll help Fry...

Careful, Leela!

He knows less about human anatomy than I do.

And I can't even find my own uterus.

You may feel a slight sawing.

And all we need

is a little spine supplement

to replace what Leela lost in that unavoidable saw mix-up.

It wasn't unavoidable.

You just had to stop cutting my spine

when I yelled "Stop, you're cutting my spine!"

FRY: Quit complaining.

My body rejected your liver,

and now I've got Garfield Syndrome.

Oh, I hate Mondays.

Anyhow, Hermes, all Leela needs

is one of your vertebrae.

But Doctor, will I be able to limbo afterwards?

Could you limbo before?

(laughing)

Wait.

I say, "Yes,"

and you say, "I couldn't limbo before."

You ruined the joke, Hermes.

There you go, Leela. Good as new!

Whoa. Whoa...

Oh, sure, Leela's fine,

but my jaundice has progressed to Muppet Gangrene!

It's not easy being gangrenous.

I thought you were only gonna take out one vertebra!

Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga?

Sometimes you pull one and... (imitates crashing)

You don't know what you're doing! I want my back back! (Shouting)

Hmm. What started out as a pleasant afternoon

of dr*gs and surgery has not gone as planned.

But don't worry, we still have three or four co-workers

with plenty of spare parts.

My first mission. I'm so excited.

And after I dissect the yeti's poison glands,

we can stop, maybe, for ice cream on the way back?

With shprinkles on?

(laughing)

Why, you're just a big kid,

aren't you, Zoidberg?

A very big kid.

We're over the drop zone, gentlemen.

Might I suggest you jump out the door and poop yourselves?

(Men grunting)

(Zoidberg screaming)

So anyway, I hope the men have been taking

their hypermalaria pills.

Their wha--?

Their "wha--"?

(laughing)

That's funny, like a crazy old man.

But you know what's not funny?

Deadly Tritonian hypermalaria.

Just be sure to stay out of the methane swamps.

(sniffing)

What smells like methane?

(people groaning in pain)

My God.

I've never seen such a gruesome shark att*ck.

Especially this far inland.

It wasn't a shark.

It was an awful, incompetent doctor.

Wow, he must've been a total Zoidberg.

It was Zoidberg.

He brutalized us with power tools,

gypsy curses and hypnosis.

Yes, master.

You'll all get through this.

I give you my word as a real doctor.

What about me?

What did he do to you?

I don't know exactly, but

(whispers): I'm incontinent.

I'm truly sorry.

I consider myself a reasonable man.

Quick with a joke, slow to anger.

But Bender can't go on long car trips anymore,

and I say Zoidberg must die.

People, please.

Let's not overreact.

Death to the crab.

How bad is it, Doctor?

Super bad.

It's Tritonian hypermalaria.

A lot of these men will be dead within 24 hours.

What?!

Not you, though.

You'll make a complete recovery

and go on to marry a supermodel!

(sighs)

Funny plague, hypermalaria.

It can k*ll immediately, or lie dormant for decades.

But sooner or later, it erupts,

causing fever, spasms, madness,

coma, and finally death.

What?! Supermodel!

Oh, those poor, doomed bastards.

I guess it's up to me to complete the mission.

(wind howling)

I'll be in the swamp, blowing the smirk off a toxic yeti.

(cocks g*n)

(shuddering)

Professor, we need to talk, man-to-mob.

(all clamoring)

We've had it with Zoidberg!

We demand you fire him!

Nonsense.

Zoidberg's a fine physician,

for aliens.

Your mistake is being humans.

No, if I'm going to fire anyone,

it'll be Scruffy.

(all shouting) You can't do that!

Over my dead body!

Don't you get it, old man?

Thanks to Dr. Scissorhands,

I wet myself every time I laugh.

(laughing)

It's not funny!

Well, I guess it is kind of funny.

(laughing) Uh-oh.

Why are you protecting Zoidberg, Professor?

Do you owe him something?

Is he blackmailing you somehow?

What does he have on you?

Why have you kept him around all these years

when he's so grossly incompetent?

(sighs)

Long ago, Zoidberg and I

entered into a secret arrangement

relating to certain extraordinary events

too horrible to reveal.

So there's nothing to be curious about.

(rustling)

Stop, or I'll sh**t!

Zoidberg?

You can't hunt a yeti by yourself, sir.

It's suicidal!

So what? I'm going to die

of hypermalaria, anyway.

I was in the same swamp as the rest of the men.

Just because you were in the swamp

doesn't necessarily mean...

I was thirsty from the flight.

I drank swamp water.

Look, Zoidberg, you're a loyal friend.

"Friend"?

But I'm doomed.

I might as well capture a yeti and die trying.

Then you'll need someone to dissect it, friend.

(roaring)

(g*n whirring)

Go, Johnny! Go! That's an order!

Never! Zoidberg doesn't abandon a friend, apparently.

Oh. Oh-oh-oh...

(snarling)

I'll save us by scaring him off

with my crazy w*r noise.

(makes gurgling noise)

(growls) (screams)

(cracking)

Crunch all you want. I'll make more.

Oy, I lost another one.

(door opens)

Zoidberg, I'm sorry to break it to you this way,

but we hate you and we never want to see you again.

But friends...

We're not your friends!

We're your victims!

I was just trying to...

Shut up and give me my kidney back!

(sniffles) I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. (sobbing)

We don't know why the Professor keeps you around here,

and we don't care. You're a terrible doctor!

Nobody wants to see you ever again!

Dr. Zoidberg!

I want to see you right now!

The time has come, my friend.

We have to talk about our arrangement.

Oh, no. No, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

(yeti growling)

Unpaw him, you big ape!

I saw this in a Tarzan movie!

It was called... (grunts)

Tarzan Versus the Yetis.

(grunts) I lost my virginity

(grunts)... during the film,

so I'm (grunts)...

a little fuzzy on the details.

(yeti growling, Professor grunts)

(Professor shouting)

(Professor and yeti grunt)

John, are you all right?

You... you saved my life!

- Oh, fuff. - Yes, fuff.

How can I ever repay you?

Do you need a sl*ve?

Or maybe a butler?

No, I haven't needed a butler

since grad school.

But I do need a doctor.

I don't want to die like those Marines, John.

The fever, the madness.

Don't forget the spasms, coma and death.

Oh, I don't want to go through that.

I want you to k*ll me.

All right. Give me the Kn*fe.

Not now!

Hypermalaria can lie dormant for years.

Isn't that what you said?

It sounds like something I would say.

So stay with me until the symptoms start,

then put me out of my misery.

You must swear!

All right, Hubert, I swear.

It's started, Zoidberg--

the fever, the muscle spasms.

I'm dying.

(coughs)

It's time for you to keep your promise and k*ll me.

This is very difficult, but I'll try,

friend.

(shrieks)

(choking)

No, wait, I'm afraid to die.

Ugh, you said you wanted me to k*ll you.

Is this one of those "no means yes" deals?

Yes and no.

I do want you to k*ll me, but I mustn't see it coming.

That would be agony.

So you must m*rder me completely by surprise.

As God is my witness, you can count on me.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Not surprising enough.

♪ ♪

(sh*ts f*ring)

Wha...? Oh...

(screams) My...

heart.

(gags)

Hey. What are you doing there?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop, you don't understand.

Let's go, you m*rder*r.

Fry, help me lock him up.

Hang on, I'm learning how to do loop-de-loops.

Whoa, whoa, whoo!

You're making a mistake.

I was only trying to k*ll the Professor.

(straining)

(snipping)

Hubert, I'm sorry.

Huh?

He doesn't have hair.

Great Little Caesar's ghost.

You fools, you stupid, life-prolonging fools.

I asked Zoidberg to k*ll me.

Huh? What? What you talkin' 'bout, Professor?

Professor, have you gone mad?

Probably.

It's one of the symptoms of Tritonian hypermalaria.

(gasps)

You mean the incurable disease that causes fever, spasms,

insanity... (crazed giggle)

coma... (sighs)

and finally death?

Yes, and I begged Zoidberg to put me out of my misery.

Bring him... quickly.

(sighs) Should have known better

than to store my antiques in the office.

LEELA: Zoidberg, we were wrong.

We're letting you out so you can k*ll the Professor.

(whooping)

Oh, no, he sand-crabbed out.

(sighs) Then we have no choice.

We'll have to mercy-k*ll the Professor ourselves.

Well, let's get started.

We have a situation, Mother.

This creature tried to sand-crab into the building.

Zoidberg?

Sorry I didn't call first, Carol, but I'm in a hurry.

I need your help to save Hubert.

Let him go and stooge the hell out of here.

We're on it.

Ow. Ow! Ow!

Beautiful kids.

You must be very proud.

John Zoidberg.

It's been a long time.

How have you been?

Not too bad.

Last year I took a bus trip to the Grand Canyon.

Later I'll show you the pictures.

Do you ever regret it, John,

leaving me to work for the Professor?

(sighs) What do you want me to say?

He saved my life.

Oh, big deal.

You could have been rich if you'd stayed.

Your own lab, a full staff.

But Hubert is my friend.

He's very sick.

I can cure him, but I need the thing,

the thing from Triton.

It'll cost you, John.

How much are you worth now?

I live in a Dumpster.

All I have in the world is this coupon

for one free session at the tanning salon.

Oh, John, that's really all you have?

Then I'll take it.

(groaning deliriously)

Okay, Murdolator's finished.

I said I'd k*ll him myself, but nobody listens to Bender.

We all have to share in the guilt,

which is why we're each going to add one drop of cyanide

to the death wheel as it goes by.

Commence mercy-k*lling

in three, two, a-yup.

k*ll-check one is go.

(all gasp)

(all cheer)

k*ll-check two is go.

(Oohing and Aahing)

It's about time.

Vegetables activated.

k*ll-check three is go.

Also, the salad's ready.

(all cheering)

ZOIDBERG: What the hell are you doing?

TEELA: Zoidberg,

we know about your secret agreement.

I am so, so sorry for how we treated you.

And to make it up to you, we're k*lling the Professor for you

so he doesn't die horribly from hypermalaria.

He doesn't have hypermalaria, you idiots.

(animal roar)

He has yeti-ism. (all gasp)

When he saved my life all those years ago,

he was scratched by a yeti.

Hmm, I consider myself almost completely ignorant

of modern medicine, and I've never heard of yeti-ism.

It mimics the symptoms of hypermalaria exactly,

except for the part where instead of dying,

you turn into a yeti.

Aah.

(whistling) Wow.

Hold him down while I prepare the antidote.

Another yeti?

Yes, the same jerk that once noshed on me

like a shrimp toast.

Now who's getting his pineal gland extracted?

(grunts angrily)

Ah, yes,

this contains a concentrated form of the yeti neurotoxin.

But that's what gave him yeti-ism in the first place.

Won't it just make him a double-yeti?

Don't lecture me about alien physiology, Conrad.

The pineal neurotoxin neutralizes

the adrenal neurotoxin.

That's why yetis don't drive themselves mad.

(roars furiously)

My God, he's like some kind of believable Hulk.

No time for an injection.

(roaring)

(grunts angrily)

(gulps)

(roars)

ZOIDBERG: I'll be damned, it did make him a double-yeti.

(roars) (whistling stops)

(growling)

(groans)

(all screaming)

It wasn't supposed to do any of those things.

You did it, Johnny.

I'm cured.

All right, let's set it up and try again.

There's one thing I don't understand, Zoidberg.

How did you persuade Mom to give you her precious yeti head?

Did you have to promise anything in return?

Nothing, nothing at all.

This calls for a celebration.

Come on, everyone, Let´s go tanning!

(All cheer)

(Groan)

I was going to tan...

once

What do you say, Johnny? It's on me.

Thank you, Hubert.

(whooping)