07x13 - Naturama

[bunniefuu]

♪ Two... two, three... ♪

Futurama presents...:
Mutual of omicron's wild universe

brought to you by
mutual of omicron...

insuring your world,
and its destruction.

Tonight's planet: A primitive
backwater known only as...

Earth.

Of all the creatures on earth,

none has a more
thrilling life cycle

than the intrepid salmon.

It all begins in a cold,
freshwater stream,

where the salmon eggs incubate.

I'm born, baby!

The new hatchlings
are known as "Fry."

What's your name?

I don't have a name.
I'm a salmon.

After three
years in the stream,

the young salmon are ready

for the arduous journey
to the ocean.

I do look forward to
cavorting in the spray.

The trip will be dangerous.

Only three in ten will survive.

Let's all ten of us go together.

There's safety in numbers.

Ah!

Mm. I reckon my boy
will be right pleased

when I regurgitate
that into his mouth.

Nature's waterfall,

the cliff of the waters.

Ah, it sure is relaxing getting
swept along by this current.

Whoa!

Salmon
Oh my!

Salmon
Oh dear!

Salmon
Oh yes!

This just in.

Three dead in foamy plunge.

Oh... oh.

Still, six out of ten alive.

That's considered good
for our species!

Five out of ten, also nice.

Ayup.

Except the salmon.

Uh, hello.
Who are you?

I'm a salmon.
Really? Me too!

No way!
So, uh, hey...

I don't want to be
too forward, but...

I'd like to mate
with you in a few years

when we're sexually mature.

I'd like that.

Coho, what have we here?

I'm a pieces.

And you?
Also pieces.

We're all pieces.
Then it's a date.

I'll see you at spawning time.

No, thanks.

I've already found my mate.

You haven't ignored
the last of me...

Having reached maturity,
it is time for the salmon to spawn.

Thus begins their
1000-mile journey

back to the exact stream
in which they were born.

So how do we find our way home?

Nobody knows!

Experts are unsure

whether salmon navigate
by memory, sense of smell,

or by detecting variations
in earth's magnetic field.

Okay, everybody do one
of those three things.

well, this is it.

Home, stream home.

No, it isn't!

I was born
in the next stream up!

You're from next stream up?

So am I!

I can tell by the magnets
in my head, or whatever.

Let's go!

The urge to spawn
drives the salmon inexorably

toward the stream of its birth.

Stupid body!

Why won't you go to
that other stream?

Nobody knows!

I just told you!

Goodbye!

It was fun maturing with you,

but at this point
in my life cycle,

I need a mate who's within
squirting distance.

I'll never forget you... fish.

Come on, loxy lady,

it's time for us to
get naughty by nature!

No!

Well, here goes something...

Don't make it...
Don't make it!

Ouch!

Son of a fish!

Pfft. Jumping is for suckers.

Oh, I'm good!

Who wants a piece of me?

I'll try a bite!

Having completed
its perilous journey,

the exhausted salmon
enters the final phase

of its life cycle.

The female deposits her eggs

and the male fertilizes them.

Okay, who's next?

There's a lot more
where that came from!

I can't see them any more!

What if they're mating?

Who cares?

Just release your milt already!

Everybody's doing it!

No!

I refuse to release anything

unless it's in the vicinity of
the eggs of the fish I love!

Tell my offspring I loved me...

Very much...

Oh, yeah.

Plop those roundies.

Ah!

Ooh!

All right, step aside.

Time to let my bad boys loose.

Ah!

I am brrr,
devourer of fish and honey!

I'm coming, darling!

Hm, I shouldn't...

But who's counting?

Help! Fish police!

Two salmon for dinner?

What? It's spawning season!

It's a bear holiday!

That is what you said when
you found those boy scouts!

Next you'll be telling me
I can't crap in the woods!

That's it!

We're hibernating in
separate caves this winter!

My love!

You... you made it!

You overcame salmon instinct and
left your home stream for me!

Mmm.

So are you gonna
fertilize my eggs now?

Already taken care of.

Well, we swam away
and then we came back.

It's been an interesting life.

And the best part is,
it had a happy ending.

And so the endless
circle of life comes to an end,

meaningless and grim.

Why did they live,
and why did they die?

No reason.

The isolated Galápagos islands.

A veritable pageant
of evolutionary science.

Home to dozens of species found

nowhere else,
such as Darwin's finches,

and the marine iguana.

Also the blue-footed booby!

That's fairly interesting!

Note the blue
coloration of the...

Of all the
creatures in the Galápagos,

none is rarer or more tragic

than the Pinta island tortoise.

Only a single living specimen
is known to exist:

Lonesome Hubert.

Sad news, everyone.

I'm lonesome.

Hey, would it cheer
you up if we gave you

a symbiotic parasite cleaning?

Would it? Would it? Would it?

Fine, knock yourself out.

The Galápagos finches

eat parasites off
the tortoise's skin,

a mutually
beneficial arrangement.

Except for the parasite!

How's that, Hubert?
Feeling better?

A good beaking usually
cheers me right up,

but today it's no use.

My species is
as good as extinct.

I haven't seen a female
of my kind in over 100 years!

There's got to be
a lady tortoise

out there for you, Hubert.

What about her?

Hey, good lookin',

I've got a lichen
that needs a lickin'.

Are you crazy?

She's a slightly
different subspecies!

See how her shell flares
imperceptibly at the neck?

Ooh... talk about
a cloaca shrinker.

Well, haven't you ever
met a girl tortoise

who had that whole "same
subspecies" thing going on?

Oh my, yes.

When I was a young
tortoise of 50

I met a hot young
piece of shell

by a palo santo tree on
the far side of the island.

Let's go look for her!
C'Mon, c'Mon, c'Mon!

I've always wondered if she's
still there, waiting for me.

But the trip is far too long.

It's only 100 feet!

At my age,

it might as well be 200 feet.

I'd never make it!

Come on, you can make it!
You can do it!

Get out of your shell.
Do it, do it!

Well, let me think it over.

Let's go already!

Watch out!

What brings yous to this part of
the isleseses?

He's gonna eat us!

Don't be such a Finch.

We Galápagos tortoises
have no natural predators.

That's so fascinating!

I never thought I'd live
to see this tree again.

Thank you for staying
with me, Fry.

I'm not Fry.

I'm his great-great grandson...
Fry.

Whuh...?

My beak is different, see?

It evolved a slightly bigger
hook over the generations,

to help me eat the cactus
on this part of the island.

Watch!

I'm stuck!

Oops.

So where's your
lady tortoise, Hubert?

Lady whuh?

Wait, there she is!

After all these years,
I've found her!

Oh, my darling!

You haven't aged a day!

Should we say something?

Nah.
Let him have his fun.

All right.

Let's just do what
comes naturally.

I'll get things started with
a little neck extension...

Then a couple of these...

And here we go!

What the tropical hell
are you doing?!

Whuh?

I've been saving myself
for a hundred years,

and this is how you repay me?

Who is that
hard-shelled skank?

I'll k*ll her!

Wait, I can explain...

shut up!

I'm going
to cr*ck that hussy open

like a slutty Brazil nut!

This volcanic archipelago

isn't big enough
for the both of us.

Yeah, you'd better topple.

You always were a
hot-blooded latina.

Like all reptiles,

the Galápagos tortoise
is cold-blooded.

Okay, neck, tap, tap,
climb, climb, and...

We're back in business.

Um, should we be watching this?

It seems kind of personal.

That's not an issue for us.

We're wildlife.

What about the moaning?

Is it okay to listen?

Sure, but act like
it's no big deal.

Just pretend
you're eating seeds.

Is it weird if I talk about
his crazy turtle penis?

No.

Well, okay then.

Yes, it's been lovely.

Hang on a second.

The Galápagos tortoise

lays a clutch of
between six and 15 eggs.

Oh, what do you want?
I'm 150 years old.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Aren't you going
to watch over your young?

Tortoises don't do that, do we?

I sure as hell don't.

Anyway, I've done my part.

The species is saved!

Good job!

And so, the survival

of the Pinta island tortoise
is assured.

Mama!

And so, the extinction

of the Pinta island tortoise
is assured.

200 million years
of evolution, snuffed out.

For in the end,
nature is horrific,

and teaches us nothing.

Coming up next,

the hilarious
antics of the elephant seal,

The clown of the sea.

Of all the
spectacles in nature,

few can match the mating ritual
of the elephant seal.

Certainly not the salmon.

And the tortoise?

Yeah, right.

The huge, lumbering males
defend patches of beach

to deny their rivals
access to the breeding grounds.

Just as in human society,

only the biggest,
most obnoxious males

have any chance of mating.

Aw, yeah!

Survival of the fattest!

The dominant male,
or "beachmaster,"

maintains a harem
of up to 50 females.

Okay, harem, let's get to it.

Form an orderly heap
on top of me.

I like mating with beachmaster
'cause he's the largest.

While the beachmaster
enjoys the spoils of victory...

Whoo!

I'm doin' it in my sleep!

...the lesser males languish
at the edge of the colony,

unable to attract
their own harem due to age...

Harem?!
I can barely see 'em!

Immaturity...

I'm scared.

...or other reasons.

Hmm. I don't know...

Does this kelp scarf
make me look fat enough?

It's so unfair.

That bloated Casanova
gets all the ladies!

Even that one with the
exquisite fat rolls.

Back off, losers!

Stay away from my beaches!

You big bully!

Bite my freshly molted,
blubber-filled ass.

You're just a giant lump of fat!

Do you even
have an ass under there?!

I'm 40% ass!

Arf, arf!

Now b*at it! Boo!

With no hope of
defeating the beachmaster,

some so-called "sneaky" males
adopt a risky strategy...

attempting to mate
with one of his harem

while he is asleep
or distracted.

So, any of you guys thinking

of being a sneaky male
this season?

This season?

Walrus don't need no chicanery.

Once a lady goes
walrus, she never...

She ne...

No one ever goes walrus.

I'm a little old for it now,

but in my prime,
I was quite the sneaker.

How did you do it?

Well, while
the beachmaster was off

behind a whale carcass,

loudly fornicating
with my beloved mother,

I snuck past
and surprised my sweetie

with a romantic meal.

A romantic meal, eh?

The search for food
takes the elephant seal

to depths
few other mammals can reach.

In this pitch-black abyss,

life takes on
bizarre and horrific forms.

So, welcome to the abyss.

Road trip!

k*ll all penguins...

k*ll all penguins.

Huh?

What's the matter with you!?

You just crushed
seven of our babies!

Yeah, we can always make more.

Come on, floozies,
let's repopulate!

With the beachmaster occupied,

the sneaky male makes his move.

I can't believe you came!

The beachmaster'll k*ll
you if he finds out!

Also, who are you?

I'm in love with you!

And I don't care what he thinks.

Here, I brought you something.

Hooray!

We're three friends
at the beach!

Wait, what's happening, friend?

The female
conveys her receptivity

through subtle vocalizations.

Wanna do it?

So soon?!

Oh, well...

Sneaky male, eh?

I thought I told you...

Oh, my...!

Well, nice try.
Better luck next season.

You gave it a sh*t!

Pathetic.

Sorry you didn't get to mate.

But, hey, we can still
play some beach games.

Who's up for some twister?

No!

We beta males deserve better.

When we're in charge, we'll
treat females with respect,

keeping sensible harems
of no more than five.

And it begins with me.

Sir, I challenge you to a duel
for control of the beach!

Aw...

Aw, hang on...

Okay, let's fight.

Aw, that's it.

No more Mr. nice-jerk.

The battle will rage for hours,

until both males
are exhausted or dead.

Beachmaster, stop fighting!

He's been dead since yesterday!

What?! He's dead?!

Whoo!

I'm killin' dudes in my sleep!

Yo! Clean up!

And so, with the thr*at

to the beachmaster's
supremacy eliminated,

order is restored
for another year.

Another year,
another generation of pups

fathered by me, beachmaster.

I'm the greatest, baby!

You go, beachmaster!

And so concludes our
exploration of planet earth.

For a holographic brain
injection of tonight's program,

send five dollars
to this station,

care of me, the Narrator.

Good night.

Mutual of omicron.

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