07x21 - Assie Come Home

[bunniefuu]

Good news, everyone!

Well? What is it?

What is what?

Oh! Right!

Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be delivering
this mysterious crate to Peebles Alpha.

Peebles Alpha? The planet
of gangs, thugs and hustlers?

Ooh! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Hang on. If we're delivering a package
to criminals, I want to know what's in it.

I have no idea, Leela.

But I'll tell you the
same thing they told me...

Stop asking questions, old man, and
we'll slip you an extra five grand

that your crew doesn't
need to know about.

Now, listen carefully.

This planet is controlled
by two rival gangs...

the Blips and the Cruds.

You can tell them apart by
their colors... red and blue.

Which g*ng's red, and which g*ng's blue?

Both!

The delivery is going to the
Blips, so when you meet them,

you'll want to be wearing these jerseys.

Not these jerseys.

Because if you're wearing these,
you'll be k*lled on the spot.

Okay, here are your jerseys.

No, wait. Here.

No. Wait...

Does anyone else find
this delivery suspicious?

Nope. He's too dumb, and I don't care.

Well, I'm smart, and I care too much.

I want to know what's in that crate.

But we're not allowed to open it!

I know that! Go get me a crowbar.

Please, use mine.

I just need it in case, uh, Fry gets
his head stuck in a pot of honey.

And in the meantime, if I should happen

to bump into the crate
and open it... whoopsie!

Hey, Leela, Fry got his
head stuck in a pot of honey!

Oh, bother.

Not now!

What is it? Alcohol? Tobacco? Firearms?

Firearms!

That's the one I was
secretly hoping for.

I'm okay with most kinds of
v*olence, but not g*ng v*olence.

Before we deliver these weapons,

we're going to disable them
so they can never be used.

Bender, bend the barrels.

But I love g*ns!

Then pretend they're little human necks.

What?! Let me at 'em!

A lot of ships get stolen on this planet,
so, Bender, stay here and stand guard.

Okay. I hope I never see you again.

Uh, I don't like the looks of
this g*ng-infested neighborhood.

There might be spiders!

We must have made a wrong turn.

We should have reached Blip turf by now.

You think we walked
straight out of Blipton?

Wait, there's some Blips.

Those aren't Blips! They're Cruds!

They have the red on the left.

Oh, no! What should we do?

Leela, this is no time
to show me your boobs!

Turn your jersey inside out.

Oh. Show me again.

Yo, what you doing on our turf?

Chill, dawg. Ain't no thang.

We Cruds.

Well, we Blips, and we over here.

We put up that mirror because
this is a blind intersection.

It's considerably reduced
the number of accidents.

It don't do nothing for
the m*rder rate, though.

Now get down on your knees so
we can blow your Crud brains out!

Um, Leela, remember when
we were trying to guess

what would happen if someone
stuck a g*n in my face,

and you said I'd probably crap my pants?

- Well...
- Excuse me, Sir?

We're not actually Blips or Cruds.

We're delivery people,
here to deliver this crate.

So if everything seems to be in
order, we'll be on our way, a'ight?

Oh, it's far from a'ight.

Now, hold up!

It's a'ight, all right?

It's a Crud, and he's got a g*n!

Yo, you just sh*t your own
reflection in the mirror.

It was self-defense.

We are the Cruds, but we're over here.

And don't sh**t. That
crate is a gift from us.

- What?!
- Huh?

For real?

There's been enough
v*olence on these streets.

Too many lives and mirrors
have been shattered.

So, yo, we sent you a crate
of weapons as a sign of trust.

Together, we can use them to rid
our streets of the real enemy.

- Giant spiders.
- I knew it!

Man, that's a nice gesture.

We accept your offer of peace.

Let's just have a look at
these top-quality weapons.

I'll test it out on
that innocent bystander.

Ow!

Yo, you just sh*t yourself again!

It's a trick! Get 'em!

Ow. Oh.

Look, let's just agree
that g*ng v*olence

is an important issue
with no easy answers.

Okay.

Anyway, the ship's still here.

- And nothing was stolen.
- Yeah it was!

I got bot-jacked!

All I have left is my cigar.

Wait...

They stole everything
except my mouth and eyes.

I guess they didn't like
all my screaming and winking.

It's just lucky Bender
had a RoJack installed.

When I activate it, the police
should be able to locate him.

Locating... locating...

Located.

It's a robot chop shop.

That's some primordial evil.

This Skell here buys stolen
robots, strips 'em down,

and sells the parts all over the galaxy.

Okay, I'm getting a signal
from Bender's RoJack.

Naw, it's just a piece of junk.

That's not junk! That's Bender's head!

My head?! Slap me upside it!

Ah, home, sweet head.

That's it? Where's the rest of him?

All other parts sold.

But I have list of buyers.

You drop charges, I give you list.

No dice. Justice don't work that way.

Wait. Wait.

What if I throw in giant
robot head for nice officer?

Hmm...

Thanks for all your help, officer!

My pleasure.

Boy, Bender, you sure
were chock full of parts.

I didn't even know you had a wishbone.

I had a lot of magic things.

And we'll never get them all back.

Oh, sure we will.

If we live a really long time.

Let's get started.

Come in, come in.

Close the door. You're
letting the smut out.

All right, buddy.

We know for a fact that
you received a stolen item.

A certain sensitive part of my Anatomy.

What, you mean your antenna?

Shh! Watch your language.

This ain't a church, lady.

Except for tax purposes.

Anyway, I can't help you.

One of my customers already
bought your friend's antenna.

Oh, excuse me... Robo-Dong.

Who was it? Can you give us a name?

Certainly not.

I could never betray
a customer's privacy.

All I can give you is this naked
picture of him taken from my toilet cam.

I'll get right to the point, Senator.

You purchased our friend's...

Antenna.

We'd like it back.

You may have it. I'm through with it.

It has done everything
and everyone imaginable.

You may want to get it disinfected.

Can do.

Sorry, guys, I'm gonna
have to confiscate your keg.

It's my body.

Oh, come on, Bender! Can you
at least wait till it's empty?

Fair enough. Fry, beer me.

It's empty!

I'm 40% back, baby!

Sorry, but these robot arms have
brought me nothing but luck...

With the cards...

And with the ladies.

Sir!

But those are my arms!

That's Gropey, and that's Cheaty.

Cheaty?!

Now, gentlemen, I'm sure we can...

Oh!

Well, then, I'll just collect
my winnings and be on my...

Oh!

Much obliged.

All right, Tinny, your double
leg transplant is complete.

What do you say you give 'em a try?

It's a miracle! I can walk!

No more crutch or withered leg!

Someone's sure to adopt me now!

Well, Bender, I guess you
won't be getting your legs back.

But your sacrifice will let an innocent
child live a full and happy life.

I'm sorry. You were saying something?

Oh, crumb.

I guess it's back to the cart for me.

Ooh, nice cart.

Hey, this thing's pretty smooth.

Eh, but I still prefer walking.

Well, we did it... we got
all Bender's parts back.

Wrong as always, Fry!

I'm still missing the
shiniest metal piece of all.

Your thyroid?

No! I'm talking about my ass!

Huh. I never even knew you had an ass.

Hmm. According to this, it shipped out on
a freighter from South Street Spaceport.

Oh, yes, I remember that ass.

Let's see...

Oh, God, no!

It was on board the Floatwell!

The ship that sank in
that horrible space storm?

Yes. I'm afraid your friend's
derriere is lost forever

in the depths of the Sargaseous Sea.

My ass!

Sweet love of my life!

Several hundred people
d*ed, too, including my wife.

My ass!

I'm sorry, buddy.

Maybe we can get you a new one.

Never!

My ass is my soul mate.

It even has its own hind-brain.

Really? Your butt can think?

No. But it can feel.

And right now, it's hind-heartbroken!

Just like me!

Wow, Bender, this is really
important to you, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

Okay, we're gonna find that shipwreck
and get you your backside back.

Okay, let's go.

The ship carrying Bender's heinie
sank in the treacherous gases

of the Sargaseous Sea.

Once we locate the wreck...

Asteroids!

Curse this interstellar fog.

Why isn't there a lighthouse
to guide us away from the rocks?

I don't know, but look
out for that lighthouse!

So you're alive, are ye?

I suppose you'll be wanting
to keep your tooth fillin's.

Are ye hurt?

No, but we could use a hug.

Better come inside then.

Name's Tarquin.

Been alone here, tending this
light, longer'n I can remember.

That'll be my Cup-a-Soup.

It's been microwavin'
longer'n I can remember.

This is a dangerous coast.

We didn't see your light
until it was too late.

No beam can pierce that devilish mist.

Shipwrecks be so common, I make a good
living out of whatever washes ashore.

Found me a whole Blue Man Group once.

So you have two jobs?

More. I also salvage the wrecks with
my bathysphere, and I'm a butcher,

if you like blue meat.

Sounds good, but about
that bathysphere...

We want to salvage a cargo ship that
sank carrying this robot's rear end.

Aye, I'll help ye for
a cut of the booty.

Now, when you say a cut of the booty...

I mean a percentage of the
value of the recovered goods.

Now be getting some rest.

The booty call is at daybreak.

Those sound like
one-eyed corpse screams.

Oh, I wish I was down there with ye.

Let's not forget that this shipwreck

is also the final resting
place of this brave Captain.

Place your bets.

Whee!

That's it. I'm sure!

I can tell by the words on the crate!

Oh, my beloved.

You complete me.

Hurry on inside now.

Storm's a-brewin'.

I can feel it in my weather channel app.

Soon the sea will be belchin'

her dead upon the shore.

If ye like your shoes unmatched and with
feet still in 'em, this is your night.

Can't you make the beacon any brighter?

Nay, 'tis already the brightest
object in the known Universe,

and even so, it can't be seen

three feet away in a storm like this.

I thought we were near the rocks,
but I don't see the lighthouse,

so everything is fine and we can relax.

All hands on deck for Mojitos.

The important thing is I
got my final piece back.

Hey, Fry, take a picture of me
biting my own shiny metal ass.

I'd be honored.

Ah.

You muddled the mint well, Alejandro.

The lighthouse! Dead ahead!

Aye!

Well, I'm sure Bender's fanny is tired.

As soon as this storm
passes, let's be on our way.

Sargaseous lighthouse, this
is the S.S. Miami Muy Caliente.

Thank you for your glorious beacon.

It saved our lives
and our Saturday night.

Adios.

Your aft-plate.

Its fiery gleam saved a ship
full of South Beach swabbies.

Well, I do polish it every day,
and I sleep in a chamois diaper.

It's a hundred times more reflective
than the mirror in my beacon.

Might I keep it for the lighthouse?

What?! No!

But, Bender, your
buttocks could save lives.

I hate lives!

These are sailors' lives, Bender.

Think of the untold cursing that
would be lost to future generations.

Could you live with that?

You know the answer, you scurvy bastard!

Maybe I have been selfish,
hiding my ass under a bushel.

Perhaps, like all great men, my
ass has a destiny, and if it does,

I can't stand in its way.

Bender, come join us.

We're watching Rear Window.

I used to stick my rear out the window.

If you prefer, we could
watch Behind the Music.

My behind used to make music.

Backdraft is on.

Even my ass wouldn't watch that.

Bender, I'm proud of you
for the sacrifice you made.

Try and find solace in the
fact that somewhere out there,

your keister is doing good.

Well, my shiny friend, yer
days of carousin' are over.

But yer nights of endless,
monotonous rotating have just begun.

Now what say I read you a nice passage

from the scripture to help
you forget yer old master?

In the sanctuary, he made
two cherubim of olive-wood.

Each ten cubits high.

And one wing measured five cubits,

and the other wing measured
five cubits; From the tip...

Oh, no!

Our son Johnny fell
down the gravity well!

Thank you, Assie.

Bender? It's for you.

Assie?

Oh Assie! You came home.

You came home.