05x13 - We'd Like to Thank the Academy

[bunniefuu]

Come on, Nino.

Show us the goods.

Listen up, the minute Nino
reveals the stash, we move.

- Who is it?
- Somebody's at the door.

Room service. Good afternoon.

I have the monthly suppliers.

- You gotta be kidding me.
- Get the hell out of here.

This couldn't get any more ridiculous.

It's not my fault. It's God's.

I was wrong.
Oh, jeez.

Oh, no.

- I'm just doing my job, sir.
- Aha.

Oh.

We should get in there.

Eh, just hold on there.
Keep... keep going.

We were not
under the impression

that you would be armed.

You're selling
these prescription dr*gs

- right out of this hotel room?
- Yeah, sure.

Did you get that?

Let's move.

When I'm not on the street,
wiping out... Ugh!

Crap.

Don't move!
Don't you frickin' move!

Lassie.

We totally caught the bad guys.

Agh.
What were you thinking?

- You crashed our stakeout.
- You're welcome.

You think the chief called us
in to congratulate us

- on our bust yesterday?
- Most definitely.

I'm also assuming that there
will be an award involved.

A "busty"?

I was thinking
lifetime achievement.

"Busties" usually go
to strippers or sculptors.

- Lionel Richie has one.
- Oh.

All right, everybody,
listen up,

this morning another
check-cashing establishment

was robbed at gunpoint.

It, like the others, is owned
by Devry Longsdale.

Longsdale is a two-bit gangster

who runs one of the sleaziest
operations in town.

It is important that we separate
our feelings about Longsdale

from the fact
that whoever's robbing him

is breaking the law and needs
to be brought to justice.

And we have strong reason
to believe,

based on
security-video footage,

that this person
is a Mr. David Arnold.

- Oh.
- He is 35 years of age

and served seven years
for armed robbery.

He disables the alarm,

gets in and out
in under five minutes.

- He is all business.
- But only up front.

Around back, there is
a major party going on.

Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster,
my office now.

Excuse us. Gus and I have
to go receive props now.

- Commander.
- Mr. Spencer.

Yesterday's stunt

may be the most asinine
and idiotic thing

I've seen in all my years
at this department.

That doesn't sound like props.

- She's roasting us.
- Oh.

What the hell do you think
you were doing?

Oh, I don't know,
catching the bad guys.

I hired you to assist Lassiter
in taking down Baez,

not go rogue.

Yeah.

I told him over a week ago

that I sensed Baez was working
out of that hotel,

and he didn't do anything.

He was setting up
a sting, Shawn.

Do you have any idea
what that involves?

Newman, Redford, the ladies,

the ponies.

Wiretaps, search warrants,
surveillance teams,

all of which take time.

That sounds like something
for you to worry about.

What we like to do
is come up with a solution

and make it happen.

Not always in that order.

Well, I can't afford
to hire you

on any more cases
when you have zero understanding

of basic police procedure.

In the end,
we always come through.

Just like the chairman
of the federal reserve.

I'm not putting you on
another case until you acquire

a fundamental understanding

of the way police operate.

Fine. We'll dust off
our Chips DVDs and meet you

- back here Monday morning.
- Best homework ever.

I'm afraid that's not going
to cut it.

- Henry.
- We've organized for both

of you to participate
in a three-week crash course

at the Police Academy.

- What?
- Boing.

I have to warn you
this is going to be challenging.

- Ohh.
- Come on, son.

Don't worry.

We... we know exactly
what we need to do.

We make funny sound effects
with our mouths,

stay on Bubba Smith's
good side.

Gus, give me
some machine-g*n action.

Brrrr.

- I said machine g*n.
- I know. That was a AK-47.

No, I was talking
about the firearm.

This isn't a movie, Shawn.

You're gonna have
to exhibit discipline,

a respect for authority,

a willingness
to follow the rules,

none of which
are your strong suit.

You just tell me
when and where.

This is a Rebecca Lobo layup.

Okay.

You have to report
to the academy downtown at noon.

Noon?

That means we have four hours.

Four hours?
No.

- It's 11:00 A.M.
- I know.

I know you know

that I'm not telling
the truth

I know you know

they just don't have
any proof

Embrace the deception

learn how to bend

your worst inhibitions

tend to psych you out
in the end

So chief Vick told me
you two were psychics.

That's just me, sir.

I'm a pharmaceutical
salesman, sir.

You don't need to finish every
sentence with the word "sir."

But it feels fun
and silly, sir.

Well, knock it off.

What the hell
are you two wearing, anyway?

These are official
Police Academy sweat outfits.

I've never seen 'em before.

Then you've never seen
any of the movies.

These are exact replicas.

If you give Gus your sizes,
he'll make you one as well.

Let me make one thing
very clear, gentlemen.

This is not summer camp.

For the next three weeks,
I will be putting you

through an intense program
designed to make you think, act,

and behave
like officers of the law.

Prepare to be pushed
to your physical, mental, and,

yes, emotional limits.

Warning... Gus here's
a big weeper.

Says the guy who broke down

while watching a commercial
this morning.

There were abused puppies
and a Sarah McLachlan song.

I am not a robot.

Good.
Wanted to make sure you two

didn't snake out of this.

Nick Conforth?

I didn't know
you were still on the force.

Hello, Lassiter.

How do you two know each other?

Us?

We're old pals
from the academy.

We had an ongoing battle
as to who would graduate

in the top spot... I won.

That's probably 'cause
you cheated on that final exam.

I earned that spot
fair and square.

It's good to see you two

have put all this old stuff
behind you.

Eh, look, none of that
matters now, does it?

Because I'm head detective
of the S.B.P.D.,

and you're...

You're clearly doing well.

I'm the associate head
of this academy,

in charge
of all cadet training.

Cool.
Hey, look at that.

They even give you
your own badge.

It just turns out
my heart was in teaching.

Look, there is
no judgment here.

If you ever want
a real-life example of someone

who catches bad guys
for a living,

I'd be more than happy
to come talk to your students.

Don't you forget that I worked

in the field too, detective.

That's right.
What was that, six months?

Six months you did that.
Then what happened?

'Cause I-I-I don't...
I don't remember, Conforth.

Suspicious person,
4423 live at the mobil station.

Group of guys in an old cutlass.

Excuse me.
Duty calls.

Copy, Lassiter responding.
E.T.A., 15 minutes.

I got to go.

Really good seeing you,
Conforth.

Have fun with these clowns.

- Is he really head detective?
- I'm afraid so.

Officer Conforth,
is it possible that I may take

a little snack break.

I haven't had anything
since 2:00.

It's 2:15.
Absolutely not.

- Is that a fire alarm?
- I don't hear anything.

Why is he making
weird cat noises?

You have to stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.

Listen, your program
breaks down as follows.

A third will be spent
in the classroom.

A third will involve fieldwork.

And one-third will be focused
on physical training.

- What about the other third?
- Are you kidding?

Never mind.
Surprise us.

Dude, you're supposed
to let go.

And fall
into that disgusting-ass water?

I'll get dysentery, Shawn.

How did this improve
the situation?

What is dysentery?

Time!

I can't believe
you are Henry Spencer's son.

Well, neither can I.

It's an ongoing investigation,

and in my defense,
I had reasonable suspicion

for all of those
cardboard people that I sh*t.

You sh*t two innocent women.

If I may, the first woman
with the groceries

was exiting a library
that doesn't allow snacks.

I know this because we've tried
on several occasions.

And the second woman was simply
a replica of the first woman,

but they painted her face brown,
which is both offensive

and suspicious.

But you sh*t her three times.

- Semantics.
- It's not semantics.

How can you two be responsible
for solving all these cases?

I can't believe
you get out of bed

in the morning
without hurting yourselves.

Oh, but we do and injury-free
since June of last year,

when Gus broke his finger

flipping
the injury-countdown calendar.

Wait, that's irony, right?

Irony is you asking me

what irony means
every time you say it.

All right, maybe you'll do
better in the field.

Today we will be patrolling
a designated area

under the close supervision
of myself and Fenway.

- Who's Fenway?
- That guy right over there.

Oh.

Best scent dog in the state.

Played a role
in solving over 50 cases.

Also played roles
in The Bad News Bears,

The Odd Couple,
and Grumpy Old Men.

He does look
like Walter Matthau.

Here are your uniforms.

The badges are temporary.

The g*ns, thank God, are props,

but everything else is what's
issued to our current officers.

These are not toys, gentlemen!

An officer's equipment
is to be guarded

and accounted for at all times.

- Is that clear?
- Yes, Sensei.

So on patrol today, can we
pull people over and stuff?

Yes, as long
as there's probable cause.

You've got to be kidding me.

Sir, I'm gonna need
to see your license

and registration, please.

Spencer, you must be
out of your damn mind

if you think
that's gonna happen.

License and registration,
please, sir.

Hey!

- Have you been drinking, sir?
- That's it.

Sir, if you don't calm down,
I will be forced

to tase you in the face.

You don't have a taser.

Ohh.
I should have known.

You were doing 45 in a 40.

The law is the law.

What the hell, Conforth?
You can't b*at me on the field,

so now you're trying
to b*at me off?

You may want
to rephrase that, sir.

Maybe he has been drinking.

Sir, I'm gonna need you
to stand

on one foot and hop
at a medium pace.

All units,
we have a robbery in progress

at Longsdale's check cashing,
Wilcox and Shire.

Owns stay here.

I'm gonna go do
some real police work.

You're pathetic, Conforth.

Damn.

Don't let him get to you, Nick.

No, he's right. I am pathetic.
What the hell am I doing?

I'll tell you exactly
what you're doing.

You're teaching refined skills

that guys like us
can utilize for weeks,

most likely days.

Seriously,
for the ten hours or so

that we retain the stuff
that you've taught us,

you made
a real difference, Nick.

I am twice the cop that he is.

Well, don't just stand there
and wax on about it.

Did you notice
that he took the freeway?

- So?
- So?

He just added ten minutes
to his trip.

We can get you there
in under five.

Just in time to bust the perp.

No. No. No way. You know what
kind of trouble I'd get into

getting two cadets involved
in an active robbery? No.

Think about it, Nick.

This is finally a chance
to show him up once and for all.

If we do this,
we got to catch the bad guys.

Don't worry, Nick.

It's our specialty.

Slow down.
It's just up here on the left.

Holy crap.
That's the guy.

Stop the car.

Stop.
Stop right here.

Gah!

Let's go, Nick.

Nick!

Nick.

I understand
why he went back to teaching.

He's headed
towards the college over there.

I guess that obstacle course
does have a practical purpose.

Everybody, listen up!

Come out of your dorm rooms!

We are looking for a redneck...

- Hello.
- With a black backpack,

and we're pretty sure
he came down this hallway.

Screw you, cadet.

Uh, he... he went
right out there.

Guster, any luck?

That's a negative.

What are you guys,
like, firemen?

Don't sweat it, Nick.

And Lassie doesn't need
to hear about this.

Okay?

Too late, idiots.

Where's Mr. Guster?

Well, chief,
I'm gonna be frank with you.

Gus had a tuna...
possibly chicken-salad sandwich

from the vending machine,

and that, combined with the fact
that we're in hot water again,

put his stomach on the fritz.

How long will he be?

35, 40 minutes, tops.

Well, you can fill
him in yourself.

Officer Conforth,

you drove two cadets
to a robbery in progress,

and you let them chase a suspect
while you did what exactly?

I'm not sure
it's important, chief.

I have an educated guess
that's 100% accurate.

Officer Conforth here froze
like the North Pole,

because when some men
look danger in the eye,

they blink repeatedly,

like they're staring
into the sun.

Some things never change, huh?

Well, unfortunately,

I have no choice but to suspend
you for one month,

pending a full investigation.

No. Come on, chief, don't you
think that's a little harsh?

Mr. Spencer, you're in no
position to be defending anyone.

You were told
not to participate

in any investigations until you
completed your training,

and then you ignored me
while somehow managing to lose

half your equipment
in the process.

What?

I lost my hat
and my flashlight.

Where's your radio?

Boom.

And my radio...
I lost that.

Look, a guy can only carry
so much stuff, chief.

You and Mr. Guster

are to return
to the academy immediately.

We'd love to do that
for you, chief,

but you just suspended
our instructor.

And I'm not entirely sure
Gus is gonna make it

out of the latrine.

Well, you now have
a substitute,

one that I have handpicked

to ensure that there will be
no more incidents.

This maneuver is called

the precision immobilization
technique, or the pit method.

It is when one car
pursuing another

forces the pursued vehicle
to abruptly halt.

You may want
to write this down.

- Dude, this is so Top g*n.
- Hmm.

I'm Cruise.
She's McGillis.

You're Sundown.

- Why can't I be the Goose?
- You know why.

Stop hypothetically
typecasting me, Shawn.

Come on, it means
you were also in Die Hard

and all those episodes
of Walker, Texas Ranger.

I want to be the Black Goose.

I can't do this
with your right now.

- Fine.
- Yes, Mr. Spencer.

Have you ever seen
a small, blue vehicle

swing out in front
of a twin mack truck,

pull a 180 spin,

and then continue in reverse

while maintaining
both speed and control?

No. And why would someone
do something so stupid?

To communicate.

You know, to keep up
international relations.

Do you have any real questions,

or would you rather
keep wasting our time?

Well, hypothetically speaking,

let's say there's a guy knocking
off check-cashing places

- in order to gather...
- That's not hypothetical.

That is a real and current case
we are not discussing

- in this class.
- Understood.

Yes, Mr. Spencer.

Let's say there's a lady,
and she has sticky fingers,

and she's knocking off
those joints

that give you, like,
a cash advance

on your paycheck in case
you want to go to a club.

Okay, you know what?
That's gonna be it for today.

We will continue discussing
the pit maneuver

on Friday.

Mr. Spencer, a word?

I think you might be
in trouble with the teacher.

I sure hope so.

You should start
taking this training seriously.

It's for your own good.

Oh, come on, we both know
this is some crazy idea

dreamt up by my dad
and the chief.

It wasn't their idea, Shawn.
It was mine.

I suggested the academy

to protect you
from being k*lled.

Hey, Carlton.

David Arnold's car
was just spotted

near Rose Valley
on Harris Street.

This is the real deal, O'Hara.

Hop in a black-and-white,
and let's bust this guy.

I'm on my way.

- I got to go.
- Jules...

Look, I know that Gus and I

are not supposed to get involved
in this investigation,

but I have to be honest
with you.

That's gonna be
very difficult for us.

Yeah, I can see that.

Why don't you come with me?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Sundown, we're in.

The Goose, Shawn,
the Black Goose.

That has no ring to it at all.

Harris Street at Rose Valley,
unit 21 en route.

Suspect named in check-cashing
robberies detained,

awaiting backup.

License plate confirmed.

Registrant... David Arnold.

Approach with extreme caution.

What?

- Wow.
- She locked us in the car.

That's why she let us come...
So she could keep tabs.

That crafty
little doodle pumpkin.

Arnold, get out of that vehicle

with your hands in the air.

Do it!

You locked 'em
in the cruiser, right?

- Yes.
- I appreciate that.

No problem.

We are gonna be in so much
hot water for this, Shawn.

Come on, Gus.

The water is lukewarm,
pee-warm at worst.

Bottom line is this is not
sitting right with me.

You say that for every case.

Yeah, but this is like sitting
on a chair

covered with little
wooden jacks that dig

- right up into the hunkers.
- Why would you choose that?

Look, we owe it to Nick
to catch this clown.

It's your fault
he got suspended.

- It's our fault.
- How come when something

is my fault,
it's mine exclusively,

but when it's your fault,
we share it equally?

Because I went to college.

- That's not cool.
- Well...

- This is weird.
- What?

The license plate registered
to David Arnold's car

has been in the system
for over a year.

- So?
- So that tiny Korean woman

bought her car three weeks ago.

Which means
prior to three weeks ago,

the police were tracking
a license plate number

that hadn't
even been created yet.

Exactly.
The question is,

how did a bogus
license plate number

make it
onto David Arnold's profile?

Who are you calling?

His parole officer.

Dude, it's an Ikea.

Uh, question...

Do you guys make those
Swedish meatballs in house,

or do you have them
flown in frozen?

Gus, what if they're frozen?

That's a huge game changer
for us.

We'll call them back
later, Shawn.

I think all the information

in David Arnold's
police record is phony.

What about his listed
home address?

It's in Boise, Idaho.

The wild goose lounge?

As in wild-goose chase.

David Arnold
doesn't exist, Gus.

Somebody made him up,

like Kelly Lebrock
in Weird Science,

minus that sweet, generous bosom
and the seductive accent.

So this fake guy's a red
herring for the police to chase,

while the real robbers
are ripping off

these check-cashing places.

Who is capable of hacking
into the S.B.P.D. database

and planting a fake profile?

He's headed
towards the college over there.

He went out there.

What are you guys,
like, firemen?

Those crafty little bastards.

We got to go back to college.

Maverick to Charlie, over.

What, Shawn?

According to the dean
of S.B.I.T.,

the kids are Chris Shepard
and Dickie Hollenbrau.

Apparently, they're both
computer wunderkinds.

And you think they're the ones

that hacked
into the S.B.P.D. database?

That's a 10-4, Charlie.

They disabled
Longsdale's security system

minutes before the hit.

Okay, listen,
do not go any further with this,

and by all means,

do not go tracking them down
at that school.

Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!

- Copy that.
- You are unbelievable.

Look, backup is on the way.

Just don't do
what you normally do.

Done.
Let's do this.

I go high.
You go low.

I'll go high.
You go low.

- I always go high.
- We only did high-low once.

- Yeah, and I went high.
- Let's mix it up. Go low.

Ah! Ow!

Looks like they cleared
out of here.

Yeah, I can see that, Gus.

- You went high.
- I know.

Dude...

What are you doing?

We have, like, six minutes
before Lassie gets here.

We will be long duck gone
by then, Gus.

Just snoop it up.

Hey, you think it's weird
that these two

have over 10,000 loyal-shopper
points from Bazo's grocery,

even though it's, like,
20 miles away?

Yeah, and the tuna salad
is really mayonnaise-y.

Check this out.

What do you got?

Ooh.

This is their room right here.

Closet. Closet.

Gus...

The smoking g*n.

Let's go, Nick!

Oh, we just missed
these puppies.

Two-bit gangster
Devry Longsdale.

That's Devry.

He owns the check-cashing places
that got knocked off.

We're gonna find these guys,
get my money,

and sh**t 'em in they faces
like Marvin in Pulp Fiction...

Except we gonna do it
on purpose.

How did these two idiots

figure out that it was Chris
and Dickie who were robbing 'em?

I don't know, Gus,
but we better find those kids

before Devry does.

Look, I know you guys

searched their dorm,
because it reeked of popcorn.

That's all you're going off of?

Plus, you left this.

- Ooh.
- You have a problem.

And one other thing...

I have arranged
for someone else

to take you
on your ride-along today.

What? Jules, you can't bail
on us now.

Yeah, we're this close
to catching Chris and Dickie.

I just don't want to get
implicated in any of this.

Well, that is disappointing.

Okay, fine, then who'd you get
to replace you?

You guys ready to go?

You rock my world.

After you, Buzz.

So I thought
we'd, uh, cruise across town

and, uh, follow up
on some reported vandalism.

Sweet.
Sounds good, Buzz.

You mind if, uh, we stop off
at Bazo's grocery first?

Uh, no.
No can do.

I was given strict orders
not to stop for anything else

but an emergency.

All right, but, uh, if Gus
here doesn't get some sugar

into his system asap,
his foot's gonna fall off.

See, he's got diabetes,

type "A" and simplex 2.

Aw, jeez.

My grandmother had that.

A-are you sure
it can't wait till later?

Oh, no, it's fine.
It's fine...

As long as you don't mind

having my foot pop off
in your backseat.

No way, not on my watch.

- Hang tight, boys.
- Thanks, Buzz.

It's like taking candy
from an enormous baby.

Right.

I'll stay with the car.
Get me a couple of glazed.

Well, it looks
like the grocery business

has been good
to Mr. Bazo.

I don't know
if it's these uniforms,

but I've never craved
doughnuts more.

We're gonna need
another basket.

- I hear that.
- They have muffins

and croissants
on this bottom shelf.

Where are you going?

That's where
all the money's coming from.

Bazo's a bookie.

And a heavily armed one.

May I help you?

It's certainly possible.

I'm officer Shawn Spencer,

and this is my partner,
Mission Figz.

We're here to ask
the tough questions.

For starters, who are you?

Lester Bazo,
and that wasn't very tough.

I like to ease my way in.

What's the capital
of Liechtenstein?

Shawn.

We're looking for Chris Shepard
and Dickie Hollenbrau.

I believe they frequented
this establishment.

Do I look like their mothers?

Hard to know.
We haven't seen photos.

I don't have to answer
any of your questions,

seeing as you're just cadets.

Guilty as charged.

Besides, we're not here
to bust you, man.

Figz and I have no problems
with gambling.

Matter of fact,
we've been known

to lay down
a few wagers ourselves.

The racing hot dogs
on the jumbotrons

at ball games.

Always bet on relish.

The truth is, Chris and Dickie
are friends of ours.

Well, I'm tight with Chris,

- and Figz loves Dickie.
- What?

We're worried they might have
gambling problems.

You think?
They were into me for $250k.

What do you mean they were?

Those pinheads paid me off
in full last night.

I don't know where they came up
with the money,

nor do I care.

Fantastic.

One last question...

Is this the only
doughnut station in the store?

Get the hell out of here.

So Chris and Dickie
get in over their heads

with this goon,

so they knock off Devry,
grab the cash

they need to pay him back.

Which may be the dumbest plan
two geniuses ever came up with.

Oh, hey, bummer, guys.

We got to cut
the ride-along short.

Lassiter called
while you guys were in Bazo's,

and they got a reported sighting
of the check-cashing suspects

in, uh, Mission Canyon.

So I got to go patrol the area
without you guys.

I'll drop you off at the station
so you can get your car.

- Thanks, Buzz.
- No problem.

Mission Canyon, that's
a pretty small area, isn't it?

Yeah, it's three square miles
at most. Why?

I think I know
how we can track 'em down.

- Nick!
- Yo, Nick!

Up and at 'em, man.

- Duty calls.
- Nick!

Go away.

Dude, I was kidding.

What, did you sleep here
last night?

Maybe.

Look, we can catch the guys
responsible for those robberies.

Good. You guys go.
I'll just screw it up.

I cannot believe
what I am hearing.

Do you know
what the Nick Conforth we know

- would be doing right now?
- No.

Well, neither do we, really,

because our whole relationship
with you only spans about a day.

But, come on, don't you teach
your cadets to... to tough it out

- when the chips are down?
- I don't know. Maybe.

Then you need to practice
what you preach.

Now, you get dressed
and help us bust these guys.

- What do you have to lose?
- Nothing.

You're right.

I literally have nothing left.

That's the spirit.

All right,
what do you need me to do?

Grab Walter Matthau.

Fenway.

- There he is.
- Matthau... Matthau's coming.

A little fieldwork
is exactly what Fenway needed

to help get
his self-esteem back.

Worst idea ever.

Hold on, hold on.

He... he's onto something.

The suspect may be
in that house.

- Or there's a squirrel.
- Yes!

Best idea ever.

- Let's do this.
- Hold on.

Hold on. We got to call
for backup first.

Really?
We're off-duty,

- and you've been suspended.
- I-I don't care.

We're doing this the right way,
end of story.

So call it in, or I will.

I need somebody's thing.

What? Looking at me
like that is not gonna make

my walkie come back, Gus.

This is car number
B-LOO-BERRY.

We have suspects Shepard
and Hollenbrau in our sights.

1408 airflight,
requesting backup.

Roger, over,

rinse, repeat.

Spencer, I know that's you.

Stay where you are.
I'm 20 minutes out.

Don't you dare blow this.

That's what you get
for following orders.

Stay put.

Ah, Dickie, what happened?

Some guy that looks
like a fabulous Emmitt Smith

just kidnapped my friend.

- Devry.
- He says he's gonna k*ll Chris

in 24 hours
if we don't give him back

the $250,000
that we stole from him.

Seriously, how does Devry
keep showing up at places

moments after we do?

Uh-oh.

I think I know
who has my walkie.

You told Devry where we were?

Inadvertently, okay?

He has my walkie.

Because you left it
at Devry's check-cashing place.

Gus, it is difficult
to hoof it around

with a belt that's got
all this business on it.

What did I tell you

about keeping your police
possessions close to you?

Nick, you're gonna blow
a top, man.

What have I lost, honestly?

A-a measly radio
and those big, pink cuffs

that look like trash ties.

Dickie, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, okay?
I really am,

but I cannot get taken in
right now.

They will k*ll Chris.
He's my best friend.

I got to go save him.

Don't follow me.

- Dickie!
- Nice, Shawn.

Okay, this is not great for us.

Wow.
I am speechless.

Me too, chief.

You know, Nick, I have no idea
what's going on

inside that head of yours,

but I've got no choice
but to extend your suspension

- for another month.
- Oh.

And you...
Okay, where is Mr. Guster?

Uh, chief, I'm... I'm afraid

that what we, uh,
may be dealing with

is an I.B.S. situation.

Don't know if you've seen
the commercials.

I've seen the commercials.

Well, then you know
it can be spotty.

Oh, God, please,
just stop talking.

Oh, I have received

a lot of advice
on how to discipline you guys,

ranging from
your father's suggestion

that we merely extend
your police training

to having you pick up garbage
on the beach

wearing orange jumpsuits.

- That was mine.
- I prefer my dad's idea.

Well, I don't.

Enrolling you guys
in the academy

was a good idea
gone horribly, horribly awry.

At least when you screwed up
as detectives,

you'd somehow end up
catching the bad guys.

Some people just aren't
cut out for police work.

With that said,
Mr. Spencer,

you and Mr. Guster

are here by reinstated
as consultants,

effective immediately.

Sorry?

That is a-a clever,
well-timed quip, chief.

It's not a quip, detective.

You can't be serious.

Yeah, they did screw up again,
but they were able to track down

- our suspects before we did.
- We're a team.

And I'd prefer
that they screw up

while not wearing our uniforms.

We won't let you down, chief.

Yes, you will.

Now hand over your cadet badge.

Gladly.

Must've slung it in one
of these side babies here,

just right in here, for safe...

I-I really do have
a problem.

It's over.

You were in the johnny can
the whole time?

My belt is still intact, Shawn.

It doesn't just slide
on and off.

Here's the good news...
We don't have to wear

this ridiculous gear anymore.
We are back.

I think I'm gonna go hit a bar
and another bar

and then another.

Nick, come on, man,
you got to rally it up.

Dickie's out there somewhere
trying to wrangle the money

to pay Devry back...
We just got to find him.

No, I'll pass.

Besides, where in the world
is he gonna come up

with 250 grand
within the next six hours?

I have a guess.

Do you honestly think
that Dickie would be so dumb

as to rob from the crazy bookie

- he just paid off?
- The kid's desperate, Gus.

Nobody steals from Lester Bazo.

Yes, I think he's that dumb.

That's propane, Shawn.

We got to get in there
and save Dickie.

That's not what I was thinking.

Come on.

I'm out.

Hey, Dickie, what's the word?

Damn, you almost got this off.

What are you guys doing here?

I simply can't imagine us
getting ourself

- into a worse situation.
- Yo, Dickie!

Where you at, man?

I know you in here.

Who the hell are you?

Who am I?

I'm that cat
you be seeing in your dreams

and your nightmares.

- Devry, I got your money.
- Shh.

- All right.
- That money belongs to me.

Really?
I don't think so.

Nice.

That was a m*ssacre, Shawn.

- Everybody d*ed.
- That's not true.

Christian Slater
and Patty Arquette made it out.

And Michael Rapaport.

That's a good point, Dickie.
I forgot about that.

I know you ain't got
no shells in that g*n.

We are gonna die
and die ugly, Shawn.

They're gonna take us out.

Not if they take
each other out first.

Attention, shoppers.

Attention, shoppers.

All tubed meats
are half off today,

and for you Bloodsport fans
out there,

Bolo Yeung is in aisle seven

looking to get sh*t.

Over in produce, we have
Jackie Earle Haley on steroids

toting a g*n.

Squash that melon.

Dude, dude, it's working.

All that's left
is Bazo and Devry.

I just done sh*t Bazo
three times.

Now I'm coming for you, Dickie.

What the hell
are we gonna do, Shawn?

You know what?

It's time
for a trained officer of the law

to step up and save the day.

We have been at the academy
for two days...

- Two days, Shawn.
- Cover me.

- With what?
- Improvise.

That's...

That's my g*n.

Oh! Oh!

Dude, what was that?

It's me!

Are you kidding me?

You've achieved pitch-perfect
AK-47-mouth action.

I know!
I've been practicing!

Air bump.

You know Devry's
right behind you, right?

That's right.
Turn around.

Things you need to do for me
or you die...

One, drop your w*apon.

Two, get that Dickie out here
with my money.

And three...

Tell me where the heck
you got them kicks,

'cause I'm feeling them
in a nasty, silly way.

- These?
- Mm-hmm.

You like these, huh?

But seriously, though,

kick that g*n over here.

I'm gonna k*ll you anyway,
I think, so...

Not on my watch.

Hey!

Nick, I didn't know
you shopped here.

I don't.

Too much mayonnaise
in the tuna salad.

I still got a hostage, fool,

which means I still have
the upper hand.

And speaking of hands,
yours is shaking like crazy.

Nick!

You are under arrest.

Nick, you're amazing.
You're a cr*ck sh*t.

Mr. Spencer,
do you have this under control?

I believe I do.
How you doing over there?

I-I think I'm gonna barf.

Ah, that's...
that's unfortunate.

Well, this case has had
a lot of ups and downs,

but you pulled it together
in the end.

And on a separate note,

Mr. Spencer
and Mr. Guster,

you will return
the 11 bags of groceries

that you procured
while the crime scene at Bazo's

was being processed.

Well, chief, we planned

on paying for those groceries,

but, unfortunately,
Mr. Bazo is dead.

He isn't dead.

He's in the I.C.U.

Oh.

Did you already put
that giant ham in the oven?

You know I did.

Officer Conforth,

in the end,
you showed great bravery.

But you may very well be

the worst officer in the field
I've ever seen.

Detective Lassiter, go ahead.

The cadets coming out
of your classes at the academy

are top-notch, Conforth.

I respect that,

not very much, but enough
to make it worth mentioning.

That being said,

we are withdrawing
your suspension.

You can start back
at the academy tomorrow.

Well, thank you, detective.

And I'm glad that the cadets
have a great role model

such as yourself to look up to

when they're
out in the field, so...

Fellas, I think
we can probably afford

to nip the love fest
in the butt.

- What do you say?
- Yeah.

I think it's "bud," Shawn.

Well, I think
"butt" makes more sense.

You know what, Nick?

You can be my wingman anytime.

- Our wingman.
- Wingman?

What, like, a helper on dates?

- Nope.
- That's a negative.

- Good luck to you, bud.
- Come on.

Psst.

Chief's gonna make you
return the groceries, isn't she?

Yeah.

Well, I got something

way cooler than 23 boxes
of Cap'n Crunch,

a honey-baked ham,
and soy milk.

Soy milk?
Damn it, Gus.

Oh, my guchen.

That is an exact replica of
Kelly McGillis' leather jacket

from Top g*n.

I can wear it tonight.

How about I wear it tonight?

- That's weird.
- Yeah.

- You wear it tonight.
- I'll wear it.

Sorry.