01x02 - Nutcracker Sweet

[bunniefuu]

It's alive!

My name is George W. Bush,
and I approved this message.

Tacos rule.

This is your brain.

And this is heroin.

This is what happens
to your brain on heroin.

And this is what your body
goes through.

But it's not over yet.

This is what happens
to your grades...

to your friends...

And all your stuff!

This is what happens
to the profits...

from your grandma's
bake sale!

This is what happens
to the world economy.

And your boyfriend
gives you herpes simplex A!

And you end up getting
a stupid tattoo of a unicorn...

on your left ass cheek...

that was supposed to be
a bitchin' firebird...

but you were too strung out
to notice at the time!

We just want to help!

This is what happens
to family values!

This is what happens
to the pollen count!

Any questions?!

Any questions?!

This is the spot!

The Decepticons
are using the dam below...

to stockpile energon cubes.

Megatron must be stopped!

Autobots, transform and rol...

Oh! Hold on a second.

Are you OK?

Let's get 'em!

I shot the hell out of that guy!

Good job, everyone!

Megatron was defeated...

with only fifty humans k*lled
in the crossfire.

A new record!

- Hurray!
- Hurray!

Hey, Prowl,
have you noticed...

how often Prime needs
to drain the lizard nowadays?

Yeah, he must be French,
because he's a-peein'.

I think that joke goes,
"You're-a-peein'."

Ha ha.

But I'm not.

Ugh. Such a Retardicon.

Uh-oh. I didn't think...

going to the bathroom so often
was a problem...

but just today,
I saw blood in my urine.

Ew! Well,
I'd better have a look.

Using the whole fist, doc?

It's what I feared...
prostate cancer.

And it's advanced.

I'm sorry, Prime,
but you're going to die.

Hi. I'm Optimus Prime.

What you've just seen
was a dramatization...

of what you, your friends,
and your family go through...

if you don't get regular
prostate exams.

Now, we transformers don't have
organic internal organs...

and can't get cancer.

But you do... and you can.

So, get your ass checked out
before it's too late, turkeys!

This has been a message...

from the Cybertronian
Medical Association.

Reality TV has never been
this honest, this brutal!

Coming soon...

it's The World's Most One-sided
Fistfights Caught on Film!

Television too brutal to watch,
yet you can't turn away.

Thursdays at P. M...

it's The World's Most One-sided
Fistfights Caught on Film!

All right, guys,
I'll see you back in the yard.

Hey, what the...

Call a guard.

It, uh...
it burns when I pee.

What did I just tell you?!

This newer tax
appropriations bill...

will result in a...

My name is Tiffany Montgomery
from Clifton, New Jersey...

and I think
Senator Davidson rocks!

Whoo!

...wide-standing
ramifications...

My name is Melanie Fratello
from Danbury, Connecticut...

and I think legislation to cut
infrastructure funds %...

in the upcoming
fiscal year rules! Whoo!

Danbury High Fighting Tigers
forever! Whoo-hoo!

Yo, coming straight at you,
we got an executive session...

to consider the nominations...

of three U.S.
District judges, y'all!

Then later on, the Procedure
Oversight Committee...

is holding a public hearing...

that'll be
all up in your grille.

But first, here's the results
of our internet poll...

where you get to decide
the next speaker.

And the winner is...

oh, Byron L. Dorgan!
Oh, yeah!

Thank you.

As the representative...

I'm so hungry.

Hi, Mr. Hungry.
Can I call you so?

Is everyone ready for more
of those hilarious bloopers?

You know,
being a TV reporter...

isn't all fires
and double homicides.

When you can't
get your lines right...

sometimes
the biggest story is you!

There's nothing like
some tasty bamboo...

especially when
you're Ling-Ling...

who's traveled all the way
from China to visit, um...

uh...
uh, I'm sorry.

I just don't feel safe
next to this animal.

It's completely harmless, Jerry.

Are... are... are you sure?

It's... it's just...
all right, all right.

Still rolling.

There's nothing like
a nice piece of bamboo...

uh, when... Crap!

Stop being such a wuss!

I... I... I just...
Fine! Fine!

Rolling.

There's, uh, nothing like
a nice piece of bamboo...

especially when...

You just can't trust
the Chinese.

There certainly weren't
any chinese in Hazzard County...

but Bo and Luke
had problems of their own!

Marker!

Ow! My knee!

Son of a bitch! Ow!

Wait! Wait, John! I'm stuck.

I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

When David Duchovny announced
he was leaving The X-Files...

producers had to scramble
to find a new male lead.

Check out these
never-before-seen screen tests.

Keanu Reeves screen test,
take one.

So, you're telling me...

we're dealing with
a sort of missing link...

in the evolutionary chain?

That's right, Scully.

The scientific name
for this beast would be...

Rondonondus marsipius,
from the genus Emplyaeclaes.

Mr. T. Screen test, take one.

So, you're telling me...

we're dealing with
a sort of missing link...

You damn right, Scully!

Missing link between
the bugs and the humans!

Talkin' 'bout bad for the kids!

Don't play me
for no jibba-jabba, fool!

Corky screen test, take .

So, you're telling me...

we're dealing with
a sort of missing link...

in the evolutionary chain?

I just made a doody...

in my pants.

You know,
Superman had a movie serial...

as far back as ...

but the actor playing him
had his share of super problems.

Help! Help me, Superman! Help!

This looks like a job
for Superman!

Should we keep going?

Yeah? OK.

Uh, uh, uh...

even Superman
can't outrun, uh...

a b*llet!

Oh, my face!
You hit me in the eye!

- Why would you do that?
- Hurray! You're saved!

Up, up, and away!

His lawyers called it
"heat exhaustion."

Remember Diff'rent Strokes?

We got our hands on some footage
from that classic sitcom...

that's never been seen before!

Someone's been a bad, bad boy!

Ow! Ow!

- Bad, bad boy!
- Ow! Ow!

Conrad, Gary, you're on.
Places, everyone.

And, action.

- Who wants ice cream?
- We do, we do!

Here's a rare blooper from
that smash hit cartoon Pokémon.

Pikachu. Pika, pika!

Pika, pi!

Squirtle, Squirtle!
Squirtle, Squirtle!

Pika, pika, Pikachu!

Pika, pika!

Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirt...

What the [Bleep] am I saying?!
No, I mean it!

This [Bleep]
makes no sense at all!

Say the line, Earl,
or you get the gas.

For the love of Christ, kids,
go read a book or something!

Next up is something I like
to call "Bloopers in Space"!

We're in big trouble, Starbuck.

Stop right there, humans!

The actors playing
those nasty Cylons...

on Battlestar Galactica
had all sorts of problems...

maneuvering
in their bulky costumes.

Just watch!

Marker!

I recommend...

That's all the time
we have today...

but come back next week
for more outrageous bloopers!