07x09 - Panthropologie

[bunniefuu]

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Sawing]

[Electricity crackles]

It's alive!

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Smooch!]

[Laughs evilly]

You don't have to do this!

Actually, baby, I do.

I love you.

Never a doubt in my mind.

For the queen!

[Choking]

[expl*si*n]

[Groans]

He did it!

[All cheering]

Waypoint set, Master Chief.

Covenant forces incoming.

You're my eyes and ears,
Cortana.

On my way.

Right after I take a quick leak.

Detecting enemy... oh!

I-I'm sorry!

Oh, shit!

Cortana! Wait!

Oh, great.

Um, enemy combatant
meters ahead.

Wait. Cortana, remember
seconds ago?

Did you see my peener?
I mean, I don't care.

I'm just... it's just,

I'm stressed right now
with the fighting,

and my peener's a little
smaller than usual.

- Heads up!
- Got 'em.

Anyway, I don't want to beat
a dead horse here,

but my peener being that small,
that's, like, a super-rare thing.

Noted.

You know what?

I still got to pee just
a little bit.

Can I have a second?

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Okay, little chief...
time to chub up.

Here we go.

Alyssa Milano in "Poison Ivy ,"

girl from "Cradle of Love"
video...

Mmm, nice.

Houston, we have plumpage.

Cortana, Cortana!

Yes, chief, what is the...

Oh, God!

Oh, it's crazy!

There was an attack!

Oh, man.

I hope I wasn't shot!

Uh, head, chest, my peener,

that is right now at the
length and thickness

that represents the usual
size of my peener.

Chief...

Sorry if you caught a glimpse
of my peener during that.

You saw that, right?

Crazy.
- It's not a big deal.

[Chuckles]
Literally.

Pardon me?

Hey, needle peen!

Aah!

So, what are you in for?

Well, I was minding my own
business, eating some food,

and then some more food
started sh**ting at me,

so I starting eating that food,

and then like two more
foods surrounded me...

and I woke up here.

f*ckin' food, man.

f*ckin' food.

Abby!

We'd like to invite you to join
the Babysitters Club!

All the baby-sitters in
Stoneybrook join,

and the club only takes %.

No, thanks.
I have my own clients,

and I get to keep all the money.

We are babysitting in this town.

If we ask you to join, you join.

Sorry.

Hi, Todd.

I'm here for our date.

Listen, I don't think we can
be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore.

Baby-sitter Club told me you
have AIDS.

Now we're having a four-way.

Wha?

[Crying]

How could they do this to me?

[Gasps]

Hmm?

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Mom, Dad!
They put a wolf in my closet!

Who put a wolf in your closet?!

[g*nshots]

No!

I'll never join you!

I'll fight you
to the gates of hell!

We'll be right back with more
"Baby-sitters Club"!

Now voting on resolution ...

% increase in sanitation
aid for East Mongolia.

All in favor?

TOGETHER:
Aye.

Resolution passes.

Now voting on resolution ...

All countries shall bow
to Dr. Doom.

All in favor?

Aye!

Now all shall kneel before
the might of doctor...

All opposed?

TOGETHER:
Nay.

Resolution fails.

[Sighs]

Worth a shot, right?

Oh, you are so adorable.

Okay...

now take all of your
clothes off.

Reow?!

Visionaries,
you shall receive magic

in the form of
powerful animal totems.

Witterquick, due to your
blinding speed,

receive the power
of the cheetah!

[Roars]

Incredible!

Toby, your stealth has
earned you the totem of...

the toothpick fish.

What the f*ck is
a toothpick fish?

Oh, yeah!
I read about those.

Some guy peed in the Amazon.

The toothpick fish swam
up his urine stream

and into his urethra.

He had to have
elaborate surgery.

Merklynn, can I have
another totem, please?

Not looking forward to
swimming up a pee stream

into a bad guy's donger!

Once the totem has been
bestowed, it is permanent.

Oh, that's fantastic news.

[All scream]

Witness the rise of Darkstorm!

To assert my dominance over you,

I shall piss on your
battered bodies!

Ahh.

Oh, jackpot!

It's Toby time!

Aah! Aah!
Something's in my urethra!

It is like a bladder infection
but worse!

I-I need to get this
checked out!

Toby, you saved our lives!

Toby?

I think he's still in
Darkstorm's d*ck.

That is going to require
elaborate surgery.

Comrade Obama cut the defense
budget again, General Hawk.

I can nix our efficient
drone program

or the G. I. Joe program
that racks up billions

to stop a single
t*rror1st group!

I mean, for f*ck sake,
where were you on / ?

Ending Cobra's scheme
to conquer America

with an evil telethon!
Oh, God.

I'll see myself out, sir.

Goodbye, army of
village people rejects.

Say hello to G. I. Drone!

♪ G. I. Drone ♪

♪ G. I. Drone ♪

♪ It bombs for freedom
without any conscience ♪

G. I. Drone is the code name

for America's soulless,
high-tech k*lling machines.

Aah!

Holy shit!

Lts purpose...
to b*mb the f*ck

out of whoever, whenever.

Oh, yeah.
We have an erection, too.

Hide in that hospital!

What happened to
proportionate f*ckin' response?!

I only wanted to control
the weather!

♪ G.I. Motherfuckin' Drone ♪

According to passover tradition,

I will pardon one
prisoner of your choosing.

Will you pardon
the m*rder*r Barabbas,

or will you pardon Jesus?

Barabbas! Barabbas!

Barabbas!

Barabbas, you are pardoned.

What?

Wait, wait, wait! Aaaaah!

Wait. Which one is
the magic one?

[Crying]
I'm the magic one!

No takebacks, chickenheads!

The Midnight Society is
now in session.

Can you all handle
Betty Ann's scary story,

or are you afraid of the dark?

[All gasp]

My story actually
happened to me.

I call it
"Night of Terror."

I agreed to a date with a guy,
who shall remain nameless,

who I did not want
to go out with.

But our parents are
friends so I had to.

It was a shit-show
from the moment

he showed up
in his crappy Nissan.

Hi, Betty Ann!

He was so nervous,
he ejac'd in his khakis

and then ran into
a low-hanging tree branch.

Aah!

[Laughter]

Hey, don't you drive
a Nissan, Gary?

What?! No!

Yes! I mean...

Aah!

Unh! Aah!

[Laughter]

Oh, my khakis!

Forrest, we've been
married for a while.

Maybe we should spice things up.

Talk dirty to me.

What does that
mean, Jen-ny?

I don't know.

Say something mean.

Okay.

You are a f*cking idiot.

Not what I had in mind, Forrest.

Say something else,
but call me a slut after.

Okay.

Staying sober is a daily
struggle for you... slut.

Forrest!

Just, um...

be rough with me.

Don't worry. I'll like it.

Ow!

Shit, Forrest!

Spicing things up
is hard, Jen-ny.

I'm gonna go get some ice.

Bitch be out of her damn mind.

Ow!

Ow!

All right, y'all,
let's get sexy!

That was a terrible way to start

a grief-counseling
session.

Yeah. How terrible.

Honey, look out!

Cliché!

Huh?

[All screaming]

What's happening?!

Kre-o!

They're everywh...

Aah!

Run!

There's something
wrong with them.

They look like us but different!

This way! Hurry!

Your life has more value
than other people!

Jerry, we need your expertise!

My expertise?

I'm not a soldier!

Jerry, we need a lawyer.

Put simply, Jerry,
we're being invaded...

by imitation blocks.

Off-brand products
with a taste for Lego blood!

They're nearly identical
but different... wrong.

Like when you sit on your hand
until it goes to sleep.

You try to pretend Flo
from the Progressive commercials

is giving you an H.J.,
but you know it's not Flo.

You know that!

She'd never be so clumsy,
so artless.

That's impossible!

We're trademarked!

No, General.

Lego bricks aren't
protected by trademark.

They're protected by patent.

Hell, man,
what's the difference?

The difference is...

patents expire.

Cool! Someone turned that
legal document into a gif.

That's fun.

Isn't it "jiff'?

Anyway, how do we stop it?

There's nothing we can do.

Don't worry, Flo.

I'll protect you.

Don't worry, girl
from the Wendy's commercials.

Don't worry, Geico gecko.

They covered the whole
globe in no time...

Mega Bloks, Kre-o,
Best-Lock, Coco, Banbao,

Rokenbok, Super Blox,
and Leggo with two g's,

which was especially insulting.

[Zombies groaning]

♪ Lego my baby ♪

♪ Lego my honey ♪

♪ Lego my ragtime gal ♪

Daddy, are we safe?

Of course we are, son.

People are singing, aren't they?

Ugh. That is the lowest
form of music.

♪ Honey, you'll lose me ♪

♪ Then you'll be left alone ♪

[zombies groaning loudly]

The terrible singing!

They're attracted
to the terrible singing!

Ohh!

Ow!

Fire! Fire!

They're too fast!

Ohh!

Jerry, I've found a way to
camouflage ourselves!

That beats my solution.

Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!

Legos are machined to
a tolerance of micrometers!

That's why we're so expensive!

But this serum will make us
look cheaper and sloppier!

Aah!

We look like them now!

I'd... rather... die.

What?!

They have transformers?

No, son! No!

Aah!

Noooooooooo!

You probably don't even want
to go on living now.

Huh? Oh, that was just a kid
from my wife's first marriage.

But that looked really painful.

Hit me with the juice!

[Groaning]

No! You turned me
into a f*ckin' Duplo!

It's the same company as Lego,
you fool!

Aah!

Aah!

Guys, is this ending working?

Let's re-sh**t it.

[Zombies murmuring]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stupid monkey!