02x11 - Face the World

[bunniefuu]

Lance Armstrong,
Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods,

and yours truly, Zoey Johnson.

What did all of us
perfectly coiffed human beings

have in common besides
our unprecedented good looks

and k*ller smiles?

We were all cheaters.

And as with most cheaters,

there comes a time when we all must face

the consequences of our actions...

And me?

Well, my consequences

had yet to be revealed,

but in less than 24 hours,

I would learn what big red stamp

would be slapped across my image

after cheating on my Chemistry final.

I'm so sorry.

Would you mind grabbing it for me?

But you know what? It was gonna be okay.

I mean, it's not like I'm facing...

Expulsion? Holy sh...

No.

And to make matters worse,
it was Parents' Weekend.

And my dad, who was totally clueless,

wouldn't stop calling
to plan our itinerary.

No.

I said no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

I mean, I don't know what to say.

I'm screwed. Like,
I may as well pack my bags,

look for a single in Pacoima,

and a full-time job at,
like, Pinkberry-type screwed.

Honey, you're not that screwed.

She's also not getting
hired at Pinkberry.

Do you know how hard it is
to get a job there?

Our whole family tried to work
there for three straight years.

Bitch thinks she can just walk in

- and be a fro-yo ambassador.
- No.

- What?
- Anyways, I meet with the board

in less than 24 hours.

I mean, I could be gone.

- Great.
- Oh.

It's your dad... Throwing up the "W."

No.

If there's anyone who deserves
to be shushed, it's that man.

Cold. She just shushed her own father.

He won't stop harassing me
about Parents' Weekend.

So shouldn't you just answer
and tell him not to come?

Yes, Sky, I should.

Tone.

Sorry.

Um, that's a good idea.

I should, but I can't,
because he's gonna hear my voice

and immediately know
that something's wrong,

and then I will be extra screwed.

I just have to pull myself
together first.

So, on that, I need a drink.

- We all need drinks.
- Yeah.

You know, Zo, you actually
might want to tell him

not to come this weekend
just for his own personal safety

because it's about to go down.

What are you talking about?

All right, you guys know
how I've been going

to Professor Hewson for some
guidance and mentoring?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so, thanks to her,

I think I'm finally ready
to tell my parents

that I'm bi this weekend.

- Oh, my goodness.
- That... That's huge.

And they probably
won't take it that hard

- 'cause you're only kinda gay.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, not how that works.

- We're drinking?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

To Nomi's big moment...
and to my last day at Cal U.

- What?
- Oh, don't say that.

Honestly, you are all the best friends

I could've ever asked for.

Like you.

I never thought that a woman

with such a cynical attitude
would be the Clyde to my Bonnie.

Jazz and Sky, y'all are my sisters,

and just like my real sister,

you are cute and independent
and, um... really scary.

- Aww.
- Aww.

And you.

We have come so far.

You know, you're my literal
"ride or die."

I'd trust you with my life.

Bring it in. Come on.

Bring it in.

That's so sweet.

All right, enough with, like, the
"Army Wives" monologue. Let's...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Mm.

And, look, you're not getting
kicked out anyway.

All you have to do is go in there

and answer every single
question the same...

"I do not recall."

It worked for, um, Bill Clinton,
Jeff Sessions...

- Justin Bieber.
- Lil Wayne.

Those hot-ass Menendez brothers.

- Hmm?
- Hmm?

- What?
- Oh.

You know what? All right.

I think I am ready to call my dad.

- You got it.
- Yeah, it'll be fine.

- Yeah, just breathe.
- Hey, Dad.

- She's screwed.
- Mm-hmm.

No. No, no, no, no.

Nothing is wrong, Dad. I promise.

It's just that, I mean, Parents'
Weekend feels a bit triggering.

See? The way that you're crying
right now,

that's the way I'm crying...

on the inside.

So how about we just skip
the weekend of heartache

and remember each other how we are?

You know what? You'll get there.
Love you, Dad. Bye.

First I cheated on my Chem final,

and now I'm lying to my emo-ass dad.

Who am I?

Who are you?

Great. Everybody's out here
enjoying Parents' Weekend,

and we're sitting here
abandoned like a car

on Cousin Speedy's front lawn.

Y-Your pops isn't coming?
Dude comes to everything.

Not since Jazz's deep dive
into Thot-land on the 'gram

and I've been disowned by association.

Relax. Daddy and I will
resolve our issues eventually.

Eh, spoken like a true future stripper.

Guys, if it's any consolation,

Parents' Weekend
is totally overrated, okay?

My parents never come.

You think that's because
maybe they don't love you?

What? No. Correction.
My parents adore me.

It's just, freshman year, they
had this little Ensenada cruise

they booked the day I left home.

Then sophomore year,
the family dog got sick.

You know Steve.
Gotta take care of Steve.

You know Steve. You've seen pictures.

Um, and then this year, they, uh...

you know... pbht...

I got to make a quick call.

Okay. Do you.

Your parents abandon you, too?

Nah. I didn't even tell them about it.

Parents' Weekend is big business for me.

Lots of stressed-out students

and a lot of dads
with erectile dysfunction.

Oh, my God!

What did Tyrese do now?

No! Somebody hacked my IG account!

Before we begin, I feel it's only right

that I recuse myself from this matter.

The defendant and I
are actually blood relatives

who share the same exact genetic makeup.

And as such, I find it impossible for me

to remain impartial in this matter.

Really?

The one time this moron
could actually help me,

and he's bouncing.

Apologies for my attire.

Me and some buddies took
an impromptu trip

down to Lake Havasu last night,

where my boy Deante took
a lighter to my work pants.

Now... if you'll recuse me.

You did this, Laura.

You voted him dean.

You know, actually, on second thought,

he should just leave
and never, ever come back.

Ms. Johnson,

you're being accused of cheating
on your final exam.

As I sat there watching the board,

all I could see were the faces...

the faces of those who I knew
I'd disappoint

if I couldn't fix this.

What the [bleep] she doing?

And the faces of the people
I would miss if I got expelled.

And then, suddenly,
I remembered Nomi's advice.

Remember, "I do not recall."

"I do not recall."

"I do not recall."

Is there anything you would
like to say on your behalf?

Ms. Johnson?

Ms. Johnson?

Uh... mm-hmm?

Is there anything you'd like
to say on your behalf?

I do not re...

There isn't.

I-I cheated.

So that afternoon, I discovered
what my consequence was

after all, and it wasn't
facing that ethics board.

It was facing myself.

And the truth was, I didn't
like the person I was becoming.

- Ms. Johnson?
- Yeah?

- We're ready for you.
- Okay.

Wow. This really is nice.

Sure. It's no Yale, but at least
it's just as expensive.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, there are so many
attractive young men here...

- Mom.
- Calm down, Sue.

We've talked about this at counseling.

Fine.

So... have you met anyone special?

Actually, um, I have.

Please tell me he's Jewish.

I don't know what she is, Mom.

I cannot believe this.
All my posts are gone.

I can't even sign in.

Here, give me the phone.
I've dealt with this before.

The haters are constantly hacking V-dig.

- What's your password?
- eatthebootylikegroceries_1.

What?

It gets weird when she's
on the phone with the bank

and has to verify.

You know what else is weird
now that I think of it?

My parents didn't even help me
move into college.

Like, no care packages,
no Costco runs, nothing...

You.

It was probably
his hatin' ass who did it.

- Excuse me?
- Her Instagram page.

Somebody hacked it.

I ain't looked at your ratchet-ass page

since we broke up.

I don't even follow you no more.

You unfollowed me?

I understand how you feel,
'cause my parents unfollowed me

in real life, so...

Damn it.

Wow. You have taken pettiness
to a whole other level.

I did not hack you, but whoever
did did you a favor

- by taking down them thirsty-ass posts.
- You see right there?

That's the type of pettiness

that really makes me think you did it.

Yo, I said I didn't do it.

But now you're making me
feel like I should've.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- I did not hack your page.
- Yes, you did.

Why you lying?

- Hey.
- Hey, quick question.

Um, have your parents come
to every Parents' Weekend?

It's not like a-a thing, is it?

Yeah, my parents come to everything.

Ugh, my mother brought me enough lechón

to feed me for a month.

They love me.

Right, right.

Is this what you called me about?

No. Yeah, I was just calling
to ask about Zoey.

How'd that go?
Like, did you tell her yet?

Not yet.

But I will do it tonight.

Okay, well, let me know how that goes,

and congratulations on your
parents loving you, too.

Uh, thank you?

Guess what. I did it, babe.

- I b*at the system.
- Nice. What happened?

Life is good for both you and me.

Like, okay, sure,
I'm on academic probation,

and, you know, I will have
to take Chemistry again,

but you know what?

I am still a Cal U Titan.

Congrats. Okay, Titan.

That is probably Postmates

because I ordered us
some celebratory pho.

Coming, coming, coming.

Hey. Hey, hey.

You want to tell me
what the hell is going on?

What the pho...

Why after Charlie called me

to tell me about his Lake Havasu trip

did he also tell me that you are
on academic probation?!

Wow. This how the young
college kids living these days?

- Damn.
- What the hell?

Make me want to re-enroll,
pull a black Rodney Dangerfield.

Where do you keep your ice?

Right down there, and, Dad,
honestly everything is fine.

They put me on academic probation

instead of expelling me
because I came clean

and told them I was cheating
on my Chem final...

What?

Holy crap.

Did I just Fredo Corleone myself?

Zoey, who are you? Huh?

Oh, calm down, Dre.

I can remember a time
when I got a call from Howard

about a young, dumb freshman
who had just got caught

buying a term paper from some white kid.

First off, Gary grew up
in a black neighborhood,

and secondly, he seemed to have a grasp

of the Harlem Renaissance.

Whatever it was, cheating
is a necessary life skill.

I mean, how do you think most
successful people get ahead anyway?

But if you're gonna cheat,
Zoey, don't get caught.

- That's bush league.
- Pops.

- Yeah?
- You're not helping the situation.

I'm sorry, Dre.
I just don't think it's as big

a "situation" as you do.

Hey, baby. Are these the Postmates guys?

Oh, now we got a "situation."

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Guess what?
- What?

Came out to my parents.

- Yep. Can you believe it?
- Wow.

I mean, my dad thinks it's just a phase.

My mom, like, keeps asking me
if I'm gonna leave school

to go to Broadway, but whatever
'cause I feel, like, amazing.

Thank you so much.

You have no reason to thank me.

I didn't even do it, by the way,
because I felt like I had to.

I did it because you made me
realize that I wanted to.

I mean, like, the events
that you took me to,

all the talks that we had,
I mean, the connection between us.

I'm happy for you, Nomi.

Thanks.

Would you mind if I...
if I gave you a call tomorrow?

Yeah, totally. For sure.
Call me whenever you're free.

Oh.

Sorry. Did, I, um...
Did I interrupt something?

Yeah.

Hey, hey, Nomi. Nomi, come here.

No, you know what? It's fine.

I obviously misinterpreted
your feelings,

seeing as there's another woman in there

with her legs kicked up,
drinking what appears to be

a very light Pinot Noir.

You didn't misinterpret anything.

I thought you understood
the reality of this.

I understand that we're both adults.

And we can do whatever we want.

Absolutely. In the real world, yes.

But our situation, it's not realistic.

People find out, I get fired,

and how am I supposed to defend myself?

Uh, yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

sh*t.

Yeah, I guess you couldn't.

Back in the day when I went to college,

men were not allowed in
ladies' rooms past sundown.

Winters were hard.

You didn't go to college, Pops.

That's 'cause I was out there
risking my life in 'Nam.

You also didn't go to 'Nam.

Man, [bleep] you. Listen here.

This young bohemian is up in here

living his best life
with my granddaughter.

- Mm-hmm.
- Um...

Well, with all due respect,

I don't live here.

- I have my own spot.
- He does.

And when was the last time
you slept at your "spot"?

- Like, what was it, yesterday?
- Pfft. Like, September.

- Yesterday, yesterday.
- Yesterday.

What's that behind your ear, dawg?

Is that a cigarette?

Oh, pfft, nah, it's nothing.

It's actually, um, a-a-a hearing aid

because Luca happens
to be hearing-impaired.

See, they know about your hearing...

Zoey!

Come on.

Look at me.

Who are you?

- Dad, I'm so sorry about this whole...
- Stop.

Your mother and I have worked hard

to make sure you have
everything that you need.

- I know.
- Hell, we've given you tons of stuff

that you don't need.

And looking around at all this,

I realize... that I've made
your life too easy for you.

What? I... I'm gonna get better
and do better, Dad.

- You'll see. Next semester, I'll be...
- No, I won't.

I've seen enough, Zoey,

and I'm done.

W-What does that mean?

It means that if you want
to stay at Cal U, great.

But this lifestyle,
I can't bankroll anymore.

I'm cutting you off, Zoey.

No, if you came here to accuse...

I-I know who hacked my account.

If your nasty ass came to this
page to stalk my daughter,

well, you in the wrong damn place.

But if you came to inquire
about some delectable

South Korean BBQ and collard greens,

you exactly where you should be.

Mmm.

That was your pops?

- Yeah.
- Dude is wild.

I like his style, though.

- So...
- So... Uh, you.

Uh... I'm sorry for accusing
you of hacking my page.

I guess I'm sorry, too.

Unfollowing you was kind of petty.

Speaking of which, if you unfollowed me,

how did you know my "thirsty-ass
posts" were taken down?

A-A dude might've made
a little burner account

- to check your page from time to time.
- Oh. Okay.

But I still think your dad
did you a favor.

Yo, you're too smart and talented.

You're doper than that.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

So, um... see you around.

- Hope so.
- Yeah, see you.

- Hey.
- Uh, hey.

I got your text about
academic probation.

That's great.
Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Where are you going?
I was hoping to talk to you.

I'm so sorry. I really can't right now.

Today's been, um, a really tough day,

so I'm just gonna...

You know, I'll catch you.
I'll catch you.

Oh.

I'm sleeping with Aaron.

So, I was only halfway
through my sophomore year,

and it felt like my life was unraveling.

My dad was disappointed in me,

I barely managed to stay in school,

and now after being cut off,

I had no idea how I was
even going to pay for it.

I had hit rock bottom.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You okay?

No, Aaron, I'm not,

because I feel like I've just had
this major b*mb dropped on me.

sh*t.

Uh... I'm so sorry.

I don't know. I just feel like I'm on

the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I've never felt more blindsided.

Look, Zoey, we didn't mean
to hurt you, okay?

It's just, Ana's cool, right?

And then things just kind of...
they happened.

Okay, what are you talking about?

What happened with you and Ana?

W-Wait. Did Ana not talk to you?

Talk to me about what?

Um...

Stop it. Stop it. And sit down.

So, um, how long you and my
granddaughter been an item?

About six months.

We basically started as friends.

Yeah, that's usually how it starts...

Mm-hmm.

No. I won't.

Um, oh, been meaning to tell you, I...

I like this linen joint you got going.

It's fire.

Thank you.

No doubt.

I'm not mad at that kimono.

Do you wanna try it on?

Is that...

Okay, sure. Why not?

Ooh.

Looks fire.

You know you're not
getting this back, right?

Hmm?

What size shoe do you wear?