02x14 - Can't Knock the Hustle

[bunniefuu]

They say bad things come in threes,

and, sadly, I had become
living proof of that.

Enduring a betrayal from
my best friend and boyfriend...

You knew they were hooking up,
and you kept it from me?

Not my secret to share.

...a cheating scandal
with my chemistry final...

...which led to
a financial crisis with my dad.

I'm cutting you off, Zoey.

...that hit harder
than when the Internet

made Blockbuster its bitch.

Thankfully, I had resolved
my first two issues.

And even though my dad
had cut off my credit cards...

Declined?

...I wasn't worried.

It's only a matter of time
before my dad rolls over

and basically begs for my forgiveness.

In fact, I bet
that there is a guilt gift

waiting on my doorstep.

Eh?

What is he doing to my baby?!

Hi, sir. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Um, I-I-I know that
this is faculty parking,

but everyone knows that Professor Diaz

never uses this spot
since she's in rehab

for scratcher tickets.

Look, the owner of the car
requested the tow.

Mm, fun fact...

I am actually the owner of the car.

Well, then, I'm just doing
what you told me to...

- Oh?
- ...Andre Johnson.

Dad?!

You know what?

I bet he is taking this car away

to replace it with
a more expensive, newer one.

That's how a good guilt gift
works, right?

Right?

No!

Oh, God! Remember me!

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Repo'ing my car?

Low blow, Andre Johnson. Low. Blow.

I mean, I knew
this man had a petty bone,

but this is another level.

Like "Blac Chyna having
a whole-ass revenge baby"

type level.

But it's okay because your girl

has some other tricks up her sleeve.

Okay.

All right. Well, then, time for Plan B.

I feel so unloved.

Is this how my other siblings feel?

Cut off? So, what does this mean?

Do you have to, like,
drop out of school?

No. My mom said they'll
still cover tuition,

housing, books,

but everything else...

my clothing, my groceries,

my Japanese soda subscription box...

- I'm completely on my own.
- Mm.

Girl, please.

You're over here whining
when your parents

are still covering your basic needs?

Yeah, we literally have
to run for our lives

to support ourselves.

We're in a four-year version
of "The Hunger Games."

But what should I do?

Get. A. Job. Bitch.

Um, okay. I already have one.

Does no one here remember the
Zoey Johnson Styling Experience?

Get. A. Real. Job. Bitch.

Who said you could clap with us?

I just kind of went for it.

It's fun.

Look, there's a million
different things you could do.

Like this one.

You could be a tutor.

"Sophomore seeking help with chemistry."

Oh, you put this one up.

I'm just gonna put ya
back where I found ya.

Hang in there, little buddy. Okay.

What about dog walking?

I can't walk dogs in Givenchy.

Then change your shoes
and fix your life.

Yeah, Zoey,

stop acting like you're
too good for all of this.

Everybody has a hustle.

Doug works at the bookstore,

Aaron's got his whole R.A. thing...

I mean, even Vivek
works in the Cal U branch

of the Sinaloa Cartel,
but don't tell anyone.

Uh, right, allow me
to reintroduce myself.

I'm Zoey Johnson.

I interned for Teen Vogue.

We had an espresso machine.

Every day I'd get
a double-small, bone-dry cap

with extra foam and extra hot.

Which was served to me...

- ...by another intern.
- Mm-hmm.

Any of this would be taking
a step backwards.

I can't even look at her right now.

Can you please just guide my hand

to her face?

Okay, all I'm asking for
is a job that vibes

with all of this. Look.

How about what vibes

with all of this?

It's gonna take a whole lot
more than twenty grand

to loot this temple.

Um, for twenty grand,

I'd go up there right now and
get those eggs my damn self.

You know that thing
is made mostly of butter.

I'd ballpark six hundo cals.

What did I tell you
about counting my calories?

I just care about you, man.

- Stop.
- Oh. Brava!

Brava! Brava!

- Dicks. Absolute dicks. The both of you.
- Hit me up, right? Come on.

- No, I will not. Thank you.
- You know what?

Yes, we had sex.

That's nice.

How's your little brunch going?

It's good.

I wish he'd eat better.

Could you get off my meal plan?

You'll have to excuse them, Ana.

They're, uh, incredibly stupid,

and also going through
very long, dusty, dry spells.

Isn't that right, boys?

Anti-facts. I. Am. Good.

Facts. I. Am. Horny.

Ew.

I'm all right to admit
I'm in a dry spell.

But I will end it, and when I do,

I'm gonna strut right over there

- and do the "Shield Challenge."
- The what?

Your lover doesn't know
about the "Shield Challenge"?

Well, she does now.

Bro, communication is key, guys.

I mean, you know,
if you're gonna make it.

What the idiots are talking about

is that it's
a time-honored Cal U tradition

for, you know, two people,
if they have feelings,

uh, to beautifully consummate...

Until you tear it up
under the Titan Shield,

you're not considered a real Titan.

- Essentially, yeah.
- Wait. What?

I-I think it's juvenile and stupid.

Right. So stupid that you took
our boy Marcus to Benihana

once he smashed under the Shield.

Coffee. We need coffee.

You want coffee? Let's...

Wait. Are you a "real Titan"?

Uh... not yet.

Yo, you hear that?

We're goin' to Benihana, my G!

- Unh!
- Yeah!

Even though my dad had cut me off

and Jazz was trying to
"Handmaid's Tale" my fertility,

I still landed on my feet...

or should I say my YSL heels?

So, Luca used some of his
connections to call in a favor

and got me a job at a high-end boutique,

which means your girl
gets to work with clothes,

clothes get to work with me,
and not to jump the g*n, but...

...career starter!

Maybe not her eyes,
but she totally did...

...something to her...

You white girls
do not know how to snack.

Like, do you come out the womb
eating pumpkin-flavored crap?

You know, you don't need
to eat my snacks

that I bought with my money.

They just taste better
when other people buy them.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

That's what you wore on your first day?

You must've k*lled it.

And those feet.

Well, you know,
I wish my boss appreciated

all the effort I put in
as much as you guys.

Unfortunately,
she couldn't see past her envy

and told me to go home... forever.

What?

Yeah, I got fired.

Oh.

You got fired?!

Zoey, you were there for,
like, four hours.

I've heard worse.
Our cousin Speedy got fired

after forty-five minutes at Pep Boys.

Mm-hmm. Got caught
in the bathroom huffin' Bondo

and drinking windshield-wiper fluid.

I can't with Cousin Speedy right now.

- R.I.P.
- All right, guys.

As much as I appreciate the deep dive

on your family's work/death history,

I think we need to let Zoey speak.

- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- The floor of shame is yours.

Well, there's not much to tell...

other than I got fired for...

not folding.

Oh.

Zoey, what are you doing?

Look, I styled the mannequin!

Why?

I hired you to fold.

Already did it.

Great. Fold them again.

Uh, but it's already folded,

and this mannequin was sitting here,

screaming for my help.

I styled that mannequin.

Mm.

Well, the funny story

about this very mannequin

is that it was sitting here,
screaming, "Hey! Help me.

I've been styled too good!"

So... A-plus on that.

Listen, I hired you to fold. So fold.

And when you're done,
shake out the folded T-shirts

and fold them again.

Am I being clear?

Very.

Oh.

Wow. Even Cousin Speedy
respected authority.

The shirts are already folded!

And I just don't see the point
of folding and unfolding.

I want to advise and style

and earn commission
and just be fabulous!

Yeah, but, Zoey, it sounds
like you were hired to fold...

...and then shut up,
and then fold some more.

You know what? It's all for the best

because I learned that I am
better at boutique shopping

than boutique working.

And it's fine because I will
find something even more dope.

Zoey, honey, listen to me.

Egg harvesting is hella dope.

Why are you so obsessed
with selling my eggs?

Why are you so obsessed
with keeping your eggs?

Aww.

Look at all the Shield lovers

who have carved their initials in here.

Ooh!

What is that smell?

Ugh.

Look, it's just a stupid tradition.

Like, if it makes you uncomfortable,

- we don't have to...
- No. No, no.

Torres women do not back down
from a challenge.

But, I mean, if you wanna punk out...

Me? Pssh. What?

I would go right now, broad daylight,

butt-naked, no problem.

- No, please don't.
- You sure?

Yeah, no, we... we have a plan.

- Let's stick to it.
- Okay.

Under the cover of night, so...

you bring a blanket, and I will bring...

the sanitizer.

- Good.
- Lots of sanitizer.

Yeah.

Okay.

Why would I do that?

Since high-end retail
was clearly threatened by me,

it was time to find a gig
that really appreciated

what Zoey Johnson had to offer.

After scouring the Internet
and finding nothing

but entry-level,
minimum-wage weekend jobs,

I finally found something
that would fit my vibe.

So, yeah, it's not
the most conventional job,

but I'm getting paid
twenty-five dollars an hour

to be living, breathing art.

I'm practically napping
in a five-star hotel,

which, T.B.H., is something
I'd totally do for free.

I'm pretty much robbing them.

It's Zoey.

Um, hey, I'm gonna go put our names down

at the oyster bar.

All right. Uh,

I'm gonna go find management

and make a complaint about Box Girl

- because that is bullshit.
- Yeah, it is.

So, is there, like...
like, a secret hatch

that you just... tsh...
drop out of, or how does that...

Oh, whatever.
Can we rewind for a second?

Are you, like, on a date right now?

With our professor?

I mean, first of all, hey!

And, second of all...

Look, it's not just a date, okay?

We're kind of seeing each other.

And she's not even
our professor anymore, so...

But she's still a faculty member.

Okay, look, can we not talk
about this right now?

'Cause Paige is gonna start

- wondering where I am...
- "Paige"? Wow.

Are... Are you kidding?
You're on a first-name basis?

Mm-hmm. Yes, I am,

because it would be really weird

to call her "Professor Hewson"
on a date.

And what does she call you? Right?

Like... "Nomi"?

God, please, please
don't be weird about this.

Please don't be weird about this.

But it is a little weird!

- It's a little bit weird?
- Mm-hmm.

Is it a little bit weirder

than you being paid to sit
in a box, like human veal,

dressed like an anime character?

Well, okay.

I guess since it's
"real talk" time, I'll say it.

What you're doing feels wrong.

No, actually, it... it feels very wrong.

Yeah, there she is!

There's Judgmental Zoey.

If it doesn't fit
in your little world view

of what you think is okay,
you crap all over it.

Well, if I'm so wrong,
then why is this some secret?

I'm not doing this right now.

Why? 'Cause you're doing our professor?

It's kind of funny, isn't it?

Hmm?

It's actually the perfect job for you:

doing nothing while looking
down on everybody else.

Here's the weird thing
about human aquariums...

Turns out you have a lot of time

to think while you're inside one.

And what I realized is that
I'd been acting pretty gross

and stuck-up to my girls
about this whole work thing.

And as much as I thought Nomi
was making some wrong decisions

in her personal life,

she was right about one thing...

I was capable
of more than sitting in a box

and looking pretty.

Dude, it's so cold.

Is it?

Your teeth are chattering.

No, this is arousal.

This is what happens when I get aroused.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

Um, I'm gonna do some recon,
get the blanket down,

blood flowing, mood going.

All right.

Hold on. Okay.

How is it?

Uh, it's good, you know.

Um, I mean, well, it's not much better.

Okay, is the blanket down?
Because I'm coming in.

Ana, hold up. Please.

Okay. All right. What's up?

What? Is something dead in there?!

Yeah, romance.

What are we doing?

What are you talking about?
We're becoming real Titans.

Yeah, but why?

- Because it's fun?
- Is it?

Well, no. So far, it's not.

I don't know.
I just don't think that we...

we should or that we have to.

Do you not want to do it?

Or do you just not want
to do it with me?

What? No. I want to do it a lot,

uh, with you everywhere.

It's just, this place is a little...

I don't know... beneath us.

Beneath you, anyway.

I'm sorry, but that is the nicest thing

anyone has ever said to me...

about public sex.

Right.

So, you want to get out of here?

- Yeah.
- All right.

You wanna get something to eat, then?

Huh? No, I thought we could still,

you know, do nasty stuff.

Just wanna do it in a warm bed

that doesn't smell like
bad decisions, you know?

Oh, then we're definitely
just going to my room, then.

What does that mean?

So, I tried the job board again,

and, as tempting as selling my eggs is,

I needed to sell something
that wouldn't lead

to a possible knock on my door
in eighteen years.

Hey. Got you something.

Most of these are used.

Oh, no, I can promise you
they've never been used.

Okay.

Here's, uh, $38 for your troubles.

What?! No! No, this is so not cool.

What can I buy with this?
A carton of milk?

I need more money.

We're hiring.

Ew.

I was trying to give you the hook-up,

but I see you're on your
little bougie tip, so... yeah.

I'm sorry. I...
That came off the wrong way.

I didn't mean it like that.

You did.

Look, I'm not just here
to be stacking books.

I'm studying the ins and outs
of running a business.

Okay, but I'm not trying
to run a bookstore.

I'm trying to run the fashion world,

and... I don't know...
this just doesn't seem like

the path to fashion greatness.

Zoey, you're taking
a shortcut to the end game,

but you're skipping your opening move.

Okay, not true.

I got a job at a great boutique,

and, legit, all they wanted me to do

was fold and refold
already-folded shirts.

Great. Then you should
have folded the sh*t

out of the T-shirts.

But I saw the opportunity
to do something better.

But that wasn't your job.

Maybe if you would've done
your job and worked hard,

they would've noticed,

and you would have got an opportunity

to do something doper.

Building blocks to greatness...

patience and work ethic, B.

Do they sell those here?

I got thirty-eight dollars.

Mm.

Yeah, beds are better.

Hot take on beds: They are dope.

For sure.

Um, so, any regrets about last night?

None.

I mean, it would have been cool

to etch our initials on the
Shield's wall of fame, but...

- Yeah.
- ...it's okay.

I'll get over it.

What are you doing?

There.

Now we have our own wall of fame.

There you go.

Dude, did you just write on my lamp?

Yeah. It's, uh, the lamp of fame now.

"Double A."

That could be our nickname.

You know, like Kim-ye or Bey-Z.

- Aww.
- Mm-hmm.

- All good couples have one.
- Mm-hmm.

I realized I'd spent so long
trying to find the right job

to fit my vibe, but what
I should have been doing

was finding the right attitude
to fit the job.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah?

Do you know where I can find a copy

of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"?

That would be in fiction.

But we also have the Blu-ray up front

if you're anything like me
and lukewarm on reading.

Oh!

We have a sale on the "Keeping
it Tight-ans" t*nk tops.

If you were to cut the collar

and, like, knot
the extra fabric in the back,

it'd look so cute on you.

Thanks!

Yeah. Over there.

It wasn't the glam job I was hoping for,

but it was the job I needed.

Maybe taking an entry-level job
seriously and excelling at it

was my path to greatness.

Ever heard of
the "Cal U Shield Challenge"?

You're not a Titan 'til you've taken it!

Nah. Hard pass.

Hey, Queen. You interested
in becoming a Cal U legend?

- With you?
- It's fine.

Just let history forget about you.

Are you trying to smash in there?

Are you offering?

Are you on the basketball team?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

We goin' to Benihana!