02x14 - Osteoporosis, Benihana and a Slinky

[bunniefuu]

Hey. I brought you
something to snack on.

Oh, thank you, dear.

- Could I ask another favor?
- Mm-hmm.

My sister will be here any
minute to have lunch with me.

Oh, how nice.

Yeah, definitely.

When she gets here,
could you tell her I d*ed?

What?

You don't want to see her?

No. She's rude, foul-tempered

and has a mouth on her
you wouldn't believe.

So she's you?

Without the charm.

Norma, you have a guest.

- Ah, thank you, Gabby.
- Gabby?

With a voice like that, your
name should be SpongeBob.

I know, right?

Hello, Irene.

Hello, Norma.

My big sister.

Now my little sister,
due to osteoporosis.

Yes, I have gotten a little shorter,

and you've gotten a little wider.

Family reunion. Yay.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, I'm Gina.

Gina owns the place.

You own a retirement home?

What, you couldn't buy a cemetery?

I find it very rewarding helping people.

Oh, you're a do-gooder.

What are you, from California?

No, um, I'm from...

Just let it go.

Oh, hello, ladies.

Hey, Drew, come on over
and-and meet Norma's sister.

The woman preys on weakness.

You're gonna introduce her to him?

Uh, this is Irene.

Drew drives our shuttle van.

Oh, only temporarily.

I'm a therapist by trade,

but I'm on a sabbatical
while I go on a journey

of self-discovery.

You sound like a guy
who's living in his car.

It's a van, actually.

You ever try not being rude?

I call it like I see it.

And rude? You didn't even
come to my husband's funeral.

Why the hell would I do that?

Because he was my husband,
and you're my sister.

Well, don't expect to see
me at your funeral, either.

Oh, you're gonna outlive me?

Let's play connect-the-dots
with your melanoma.

How's your diabetes?

Still got both feet?

I only need one to kick your ass.

So Norma's the nice one?

♪ It's okay to have just a little ♪

♪ And it's swell to have a lot ♪

♪ On the bottom or in the middle ♪

♪ In a rowboat or a yacht ♪

♪ Love is what we long for ♪

♪ To be acknowledged and to be seen ♪

♪ In the end, does it really matter ♪

♪ If you're a prince ♪

♪ A pauper or a queen? ♪

- ♪ The more you give ♪
- ♪ The more you give ♪

- ♪ The more you live ♪
- ♪ The more you live ♪

- ♪ Your happiness is relative
- ♪ Happiness ♪

♪ And if you're feeling like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact ♪

♪ It's your prerogative ♪

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive ♪

Creamer in your coffee?

Oh, no. Not with my IBS. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, you have a little dog
hair on your derrière.

Rhyme unintentional, but delightful.

Well, get it for me.

- Really?
- Mm.

Okay, here goes.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

And good.

[CHUCKLES] You're spotless.

You could eat off that thing.

Not soup, obviously,

but certainly a sandwich
or a finger food.

[CHUCKLES] Thanks, buddy.

Ooh.

I did not know I was into that.

- Good morning to you, Harry.
- Yeah.

What's the deal with you two?

Oh, nothing, just getting rid
of some dog hair on her behind.

She did give me a kidney.

Well, this is against
my better judgment,

but I'd like to see you happy.

You have any interest
in meeting my grandniece?

You want me to be a part of your family.

[GROANS]

Her name is Amanda.

Pretty girl.

Has a few issues, but then who doesn't?

I'm in.

I demand-a to meet Amanda. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I hope she has your eyes.

MAN [ON TV]: No matter how
clever he is, he still needs...

Tomorrow night, I was
thinking we could get sushi.

Sure, if it's on the Applebee's menu.

Mm.

And then maybe after, you could, uh...

spend the night.

You mean like a sleepover?

Well, I know you wanted to take it slow,

but things have been good, right?

Uh, things got a little bumpy

when you made me binge "Downtown Abbey,"

but otherwise, yeah, good.

Mm.

So tomorrow night, we can get crazy.

Crazy?

Oh, don't be scared.

Just a few toys.

Great.

So if you have a good time,

I won't know if it was me or the slinky.

Wh... Oh, Peter, my God. What happened?

I believe the technical
term is "I fell on my ass."

Oh. Are you okay?

I slipped in the shower
and injured my coccyx.

Let the snickering begin.

I'll bring you an ice pack later.

You don't want to mess
around with a swollen coccyx.

In addition to breakfast,
lunch and dinner,

we also offer late
night snacks until : .

- Hey, peeps.
- OTHERS: Hey.

This is Norma's sister, Irene.

- Oh, hi.
- Hello.

Ah, Irene.

The Greek goddess of peace,

deity of the seasons

and keeper of heaven's gates.

Look who read a book.

Uh, I'm Jerry. Nice to meet you.

What is this, a May-December thing?

- You could do better.
- [CHUCKLES]

I like this one.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, let's go sit over there.

Far, far away from other people.

Uh, for the record, if
you and I were a couple,

I'd be proud to be with you.

Thank you.

This place isn't half bad.

I'll take a BLT and an
application to move in.

Oh, hell no.

Why not? Since Stanley d*ed,

there's nothing for
me in Florida anymore.

Course there is.

There's hurricanes and alligators.

I'm at the age where
assisted living makes sense.

Wouldn't mind some help
getting off the can.

This is my home,

and I'll be damned if I'm
gonna let you ruin it for me.

[SIGHS]

So, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

Did Stanley die of natural
causes or was it a choice?

G-G-G-G-G Unit!

- What's up?
- Yeah. Hey, um...

Any chance someone else could
drive the van tomorrow night?

I've got a bit of a sitch.

Oh, I'm sure we could
figure out something.

What's your sitch?

Well, it's not really a sitch.

It's more of a thang.

Ooh, a thang.

You gonna get some
spice where it's nice?

It's just a blind date,
but phasers are set to fun.

[IMITATES PHASERS]

[CHUCKLES]

- Oh, really? A blind date?
- Yeah.

Harry set me up with his niece, Amanda.

Amanda.

And what do we know about Amanda?

Not much, but it seems as if
I've piqued your curiosity.

It's not piqued.

You've piqued nothing.

Oh, it's piqued.

Like my wife is always yelling at me,

"Flush!"

[GROANING]

Unbelievable.

Wins every hand, yet still
calls pasta "pasghetti."

Hey, guys. Can I ask you a question?

I mean, like, confidential?

Your secret is safe with us.

Mostly because we won't remember it.

SPENCER: Listen, I-I...

I've been out of the dating
scene for a long time.

What's the story with
those pills, you know,

for your little engine
that sometimes can't?

You talking about boner pills?

I got a trunk full of 'em.

You want me to crush some up
in your "pasghetti" tonight?

It's not like I need 'em, I...

- Take 'em.
- Really, I don't have a problem.

- Take 'em.
- But I'm not even sure, I...

- Take 'em.
- Fine.

I'll take 'em.

It's just that I haven't
been with a woman

since Jackie passed.

So you're nervous?

Damn right I am.

I can't help feeling like
maybe I'm betraying her.

After my wife passed,

it was several years
before I was even interested

in talking to another woman.

Oh, yeah. Meredith was it for me.

Oh, yeah.

HARRY: Besides, I'm .

I'm done talking,

and more importantly,
I'm done listening.

[LAUGHS]

I know divorce isn't death,

but, uh, I had trouble moving on, too...

Until I saw my ex's dating profile.

Single one month, now
you love hiking, Paula?

I lost my first wife,

but I felt like finding love again

and living life to the fullest
was actually honoring her.

I had no idea your wife d*ed.

I'm so sorry.

No, I lost her at a Super Kmart.

She said she was going for Q-tips,

and I never saw her again.

But I know you're
watching over me, Coco.

I-I think what he's trying to say is

that Jackie would be happy
you found Bette.

JERRY: Yeah.

I think she would.

Thanks, fellas.

Bette's a special lady,

a-and I want to show
her by banging her good.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hey, how's it going?

I didn't see you at dinner.

That's 'cause the food gets
in the way of the booze.

Irene is definitely a handful.

A handful? Don't you mean a bitch?

I don't like it when women use
that word for other women...

but yeah, total bitch.

My whole life,

everything I had, she had to have, too.

When I got a doll, she'd cry
until she got the same one.

I permed my hair in high school.

So did she.

Thankfully her hair fell out.

Yeah, but that's normal sister stuff.

Like, when my sister got a
bag of weed, I wanted one, too.

Did your sister steal your first love?

Well, weed was my first love.

She really stole your boyfriend?

The date was May , .

I guess I'm sitting for this one.

I'd been seeing Stanley for a while.

He was handsome, funny...

I was madly in love with him.

Then Irene walks in wearing
one of her tight sweaters

and asks him to fix her flat tire.

Six months later,
I was at their wedding.

I got so drunk,

I wound up fooling around
with my second cousin, Larry.

Coat closet, Cousin Dwight, been there.

So you understand why I
can't have her live here.

Totally.

I know what it's like
to have a sister who...

Don't you dare make this about you.

But I have an awful sister, too.

[GROANS]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- One second.

I'm old, time is precious.

Here's my application to move in.

For emergency contact,
I put Tom Selleck.

I don't know him, but I'd
like to meet him before I die.

Yeah, about that...

We actually have no vacancies.

I see.

Like little baby Jesus,
no room at the inn.

Yes. Exactly.

And it has nothing to do with
my sister not wanting me here?

- Right again.
- You're a terrible liar.

Mm, I know.

She poisoned you against me.

Oh, she did tell me about Stanley.

You want to hear my side?

Not really.

They'd been going out for
a bit, nothing serious,

and then one day, Stanley
showed up before Norma got home,

and we started talking.

And it was like, bam,
instant connection.

Still, she's your sister.

Yeah, and he was my soul mate.

We were together for years.

[SIGHS]

See, that's why
I didn't want to hear this.

And she met her Arthur a year later.

They had a wonderful life together.

Well, as wonderful as
life can be with Norma.

It's interesting.

I have a terrible
relationship with my sister.

Don't make this about you.

You know, I've never dated a therapist

that wasn't my therapist.

This was right after my ex-husband

dropped the as*ault and
battery charges against me.

Are we sleeping together tonight?

Um, you know, I hadn't
given it much thought.

I'm asking 'cause I'm
waiting on some lab results,

and I can only do hand stuff.

That's very thoughtful.

My Uncle Harry said really
nice things about you.

Did he?

Funny, he didn't say
nearly enough about you.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Well, I figured there'd
be leopard print,

but you got the entire
endangered species list.

[SEXY JAZZ STARTS PLAYING]

Mm.

Oh, right to it, huh?

You know, at our age, we
really ought to stretch.

I'd hate to pull something.

Let me do the pulling.

[BOTH MOANING]

Whoa. Your floor plan's got
the bathroom and the window

on the right. Mine's just the opposite.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

I'm just worried I'm
gonna disappoint you.

Oh. That's very sweet, but
there's nothing to worry about.

Thanks.

I just don't really know where to start.

Whoa, those are nice.

Mm-hmm.

I'd applaud, but...

I don't want to take my hands off.

Should we get into bed?

I go where they go.

I asked you both here because

we should be able to work
this out like adults...

No.

- I understand you're upset, but...
- No.

I told you she couldn't
be mature about this.

She's not just a child in size.

It's hard to believe you
don't have any friends

keeping you in Florida.

Typical Norma. You've got a good thing,

and you don't want to share it.

Why would I share it when
you're gonna take it anyway?

I didn't take Stanley!

Oh, you're gonna lie to my face?

Your original face or this one?

Okay, let's keep it civil.

Everybody knows how it went.

There's a reason they
called you Easy Irene.

And there's a reason
nobody called you at all.

Stanley was mine, and
that's why you wanted him.

Yeah, I stayed with him for years

- just to annoy you.
- NORMA: See?

All we do is fight. Why
the hell would you want

- to live here anyway?
- Because you're my sister

and you're all I have left.

My husband's gone.

I'm lucky if I see my kids twice a year.

I hate my grandchildren.

If I don't have you,

I've got nothing.

You're my big sister, and I love you.

Okay, you can live here.

Really?

I'm willing to see where this goes.

But if you do anything to piss me off,

then you're out.

I've seen the men here.

We're not gonna have any problems.

[VOICE BREAKING]: I only wish
that my sister and I could...

BOTH: This is not about you.

- [PANTING]
- [PANTING]

Wow.

Sorry I yelled "touchdown" at the end.

It's been a while.

I didn't mind.

It was incredible.

- Really?
- Mmm.

The best I ever had.

Oh, wow, that's something

coming from a woman who's done...

From someone who's been around the...

Thanks.

How was it for you?

It was nice.

- "Nice"?
- Yeah.

"Nice" is a grilled cheese
sandwich on a cold, rainy day.

Well, it was our first time.

We got to get in a groove.

Well, then let's try again.

- What, now?
- Yeah.

- Are you crazy?
- Yeah.

Is everyone okay? Oh, my God.

You pressed your emergency call button?

- Oh. Our bad.
- GIDEON: Mm.

That's gonna haunt me.

DREW: Gina?

Hi, Drew.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Would you like to come in?

Oh, no. No.

Uh, I don't want to interrupt your date.

Oh, I took my date home.

Really?

- It's pretty early.
- Yeah, well,

she wasn't exactly my type.

Hmm. What type was she?

Clinically insane.

Why? Are you still piqued?

I'm not piqued. I was never piqued.

Gina,

how long are we gonna do this?

Do what?

I love you.

You have to know that.

And I think you feel
something, too. Otherwise,

you wouldn't be creeping
around trying to get a glimpse

at the psychopath I just took to dinner.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Ah, the long pause after
I tell a woman I love her.

Reminds me of my marriage.

It's complicated. I just...

I need more time.

Course you do.

Sorry I'm not following your schedule.

Whatever. Take all the time you want.

It might not have been clear,
but that was me storming out.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I smell sex.

Yeah, you do.

I'm with her. But I see you looking.

If I'm looking at one of you, it's her.

Hey, how's it going?

You all settled in?

Yes, I am.

Uh, hey, while I got you here,

who do I see about
getting some nice towels?

Uh, well,

I guess you'd see Bed Bath & Beyond.

With what you're charging
me, that crap isn't gratis?

Well, we're not a hotel per se.

Listen to you. "Per se."

All right. Here's a hundred bucks.

- Go run out, get me some towels.
- GINA: Uh...

Well... Uh...

You wanted this.

Okay. Any particular color?

Nah, I'm easy.

Why are you still standing there?

What are you smiling about?

I'm just thinking about how
that son of a bitch Stanley

got years of you.