01x07 - I Think I'm a Sex Addict

[bunniefuu]

[Japanese Breakfast's
"Be Sweet"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell the men I'm coming ♪

♪ Tell them count the days ♪

♪ I can feel
the night passing by ♪

[phone rings]

♪ ♪

- Is that your phone?

- Um, no it's an Amber Alert.
It's nothing.

- Oh.

[groans]

[yawns]

Morning.
- Hello.

- I did not expect
last night to happen.

- Me neither.

But, like, you wanted it
to happen, right?

I had your consent?

- Yes, you had my consent.
- Okay.

- That wasn't
your first time, was it?

- Me? God, no.
No, I've sexed a lot.

Was it yours?

- I hoped you could tell
it wasn't.

- Totally, totally.

- Hey, if it's cool,
I think we shouldn't

tell Leighton about this.

- Oh, definitely not.

One time Bela made a comment
on your hot bod

and Leighton got so mad,
she snapped a pen in half.

- Well, then, it's settled.
We won't mention last night.

Or this morning.
- This morning? I don't...

Oh, yes. Yes.
I'm a yes for this morning.

Giddy up.
- [moans]

- I don't know why I said that.

- ♪ You know the vibes
you know the vibes ♪

♪ Switch up the ride
switch up the ride ♪

♪ Don't take the price
don't take ♪

- Okay, tell us
every single detail.

Leave out nothing.

- I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
That's tacky.

- You're right.
Act it out with your food.

He's the sausage,
you're the tater tots.

- All I'll share is this,

it is crazy how much better
sex is with Nico,

a guy I just met, than
with a guy I loved like Max.

- That's not crazy.

One's hot and one brought
a light saber when he visited.

- So you're really not
gonna tell us anything?

- His sex is amazing and
I can't stop thinking about it.

- Boom.
- [squeals]

That's my girl.

Now, describe his penis so

I can draw it out
like a sketch artist.

- You really like him,
don't you?

- Yeah, I mean, he's nice
and funny and smart.

And, I don't know,
he, like, surprises me.

- Who surprises you?

- No, it's just this
cute meteorologist

on my local news channel
back home.

- Your meteorologist
surprises you?

- Yeah, like,
with his tie choices.

- Morning, besties.
I need a favor.

So you know how I didn't get
into any of the acapella groups

because they're all
super jealous of me.

Well, hold on to your labes
because I started my own group.

And we're having a concert...

♪ Tomorrow ♪

- Travis, I will never go
to an acapella show.

- Well, you'll be at this one
because you wouldn't want

your intersectionality
to be called into question.

Would you?
Okay, I'll see you there.

♪ ♪

[knock on door]

- Hi, you have some
old workout jackets, right?

The women's center
is volunteering at

a horse rehab farm and
I'm not about to have one

of them nibble on
my Gucci quarter zips.

- Oh, so you want to
give them one of mine?

Sure. Take the red one.
It's in the closet.

- Thank you.

What is this?

Hey, babe--
- Oh!

That's like a team nickname.

They just call
me babe sometimes.

- "You looked hot out there
today. Love, Dalton."

Isn't Dalton
one of your coaches?

- Leighton, I swear to God,
you cannot tell anyone.

Okay, but I may have
had an affair

with my married
assistant coach.

- Okay.
- Look, it was a mistake

and it's in the past.
Okay, but I need you to give me

your solemn word
that you're not

gonna say anything to anyone.
- My solemn word?

Dude, while I'm sure this
is considered some juicy stuff

where you're from, I went
to a New York prep school.

I've been making out
with bartenders

since I was, like, 14.

- That's disturbing,

but it does make me feel
a little bit better.

I don't know,
I've honestly been low key

depressed about this
for the past couple weeks.

- Do you want to hang out
and talk about it?

I can bail on this
women's center thing right now.

- Oh, no, that's nice of you
but you don't have to do that.

- Ah, it's too late.

I already used you
as an excuse.

I told them my BIPOC roommate
was in crisis.

- Okay.
[laughter]

- ♪ Time stops,
do you feel the rhythm ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, can you think
of something

that rhymes with
Ansel Elgort's thick thighs?

- I don't think I can.

- I'm so in my head about this
final Catullan submission.

Not to be dramatic, but the six
pieces I submit tomorrow

will determine the rest
of my entire comedy career.

- Bela, your packet
is so funny.

I liked every single piece.

Even the ones
I didn't understand.

[phone chimes]

- Damn, you and Nico
are texting non-stop.

- Yeah, but I have to put
my phone away and focus.

I have a six hour shift at Sips

and so much homework
to catch up on.

For the rest of the day,

I'm tuning him out
and I'm getting things done.

- I'm sure you will.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry I'm late.
I got locked out of my room.

[phone chimes]

- And I forgot
to lock it again.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

♪ ♪

- The f*ck?

[moaning]

- ♪ So baby ♪

- I have to help a friend
with something.

I'll be back in 14 minutes.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

♪ ♪

My dorm is having an emergency.

I'll be back in eight
in a half minutes.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

- Oh, sh*t.

♪ ♪

- Are you kidding me?
When it comes to Chrises,

it goes Pine, Hemsworth,
Evans, and hello?

- Oh, sorry.
Do you see that guy over there?

His name's Canaan.
We kind of hooked up.

- Whitney, that guy is so hot.

Okay, that is the kind of guy
that you need to be going for.

Not some townie doofus
who peaked in high school.

- He works at Sips
with Kimberly.

- Kimberly works at Sips?

I could've sworn
she was a janitor.

Okay, look,
he's sitting down to eat.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Go talk to him.

- I don't know.

I feel like
I might need to take a b*at

before jumping
into someone new.

- No, no, no,
okay rookie mistake.

The best way to get over
somebody is

to whore out with someone
hotter right away, like him.

- Okay.

- Mm?
- Yeah.

[clears throat]

Hey.
- Whitney.

It's been a minute.
Want to sit?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay, but you will
have to leave

when my cooler friends
get here.

- [laughs]

- I can only submit six pieces,

so I need to pick
the absolute best.

- Uh-huh.

- That's why I need
your honest opinion.

Don't go easy on me.
- Uh-huh. Yup.

- Hey, do you think we
should take a break

so you can give my packet
your full focus?

- Are you kidding me?

I want to do both
at the same time.

You're so funny.
It makes me so hard.

- All right,
get back down there.

Do your thing.

- ♪ Touch in the moonlight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

- Kimberly Edie Finkel,
late again.

- I'm very sorry.

Wait, how do you know
my middle name?

- Payroll purposes,
but don't change the subject.

All right, you are on thin ice,
young lady.

Now grab that mop,
some of the theater kids

have been practicing
spit takes.

And you're gonna clean it up.

- Okay.

- So, um, why do you
keep on being late? Hmm?

- I've kind of been,
like, with someone.

- [squeals]

I knew it was because
you was f*cking somebody.

- Uh, sorry. Can I order?

- Excuse me,
we're gabbing here.

Is it who I think it is?

Is his d*ck made out of gold?

- Yeah, it's Nico
and it's amazing.

But it's all I can think about.

And yesterday,
I skipped all my classes.

And I'm barely holding on
to a C in Econ.

- Econ with Professor Bennett?
- Yeah.

- Just ask him
for extra credit.

That's what I did last year.

And my B plus went to an A.
And I'm not just saying it

to brag about my grades,
although I'm quite bright.

- Really?
That would be so huge.

I'll ask him about it today.

- Does anyone
have an iPhone 4 charger?

- I'm sorry.
- No.

♪ ♪

- Great job getting
your submission in

two minutes before
the deadline, Jeff.

I'll be reading it last.

Hopefully your take
on Baby Yoda

is still fresh
when I get to it.

- Baby Yoda.
That sh*t is so played out.

- Totally.

I wrote a piece
about Baby Shark, though.

And it's pretty biting.

- All right, everyone.

Final submissions
are now closed.

If anyone's late,
they're out of luck.

- Thank you all
for your hard work.

Eric, the board, and I
are really looking forward

to reading
what you came up with.

- And if we choose
any new members,

tonight is gonna be tap night.

We'll come find you
in your rooms

and whisk you away
for hours of traditions

that you cannot share
with anyone, ever.

Including future spouses.

But, again, we probably
won't pick anyone.

- We'll probably pick
between two and four people.

- Evangeline, could you not--
[sighs]

I will now take the submissions
and hold onto them

until the board can reconvene
to review them.

But straight off the bat,
I see some insane

and embarrassing font choices.
So way to go.

- Hey, um, if we get picked,

can we finally see
the upstairs rooms?

- Want me to sneak you up
right now?

- Oh, sh*t yes. Yes.

- Wait, you don't think
we'll get in trouble?

- No one's coming back
till 8:00.

Come on. Let's go.

♪ ♪

[phone chimes]

- I feel like it's
a compliment to get catfished.

It means he must
really like you.

- I just don't understand

how you got catfished
by your cousin, again.

- He just writes
such beautiful sonnets.

- Ginger, we've talked
about this.

You need to set boundaries
with Randy, your cousin.

- Sorry I'm late.

- You okay, Tova?

- It's over between
me and Beth.

- What? What happened?

You two were
such a cute couple.

- We were supposed to go over
to her house for Thanksgiving,

and while her parents were cool
with her being a lesbian,

she thought that I might be
too much for them.

- What? What would be too much?

- I guess they've never met
someone who's non-binary,

so Beth wanted me to fem it up.
- Oh, f*ck that.

- Hey, you might quickly want

to let us know
what side you're on.

- Tova's obviously.

Look, when I first
had to come here,

I'll be real with you,

I kind of thought
you all sucked.

Not for any identity reasons,
just personalities, you know?

- Mm-hmm.
- But then I got to know you.

And Tova,
I think you're pretty great.

You are almost too cool
to be here but, yet,

you still come here.
Which kind of makes you cooler.

So this is Beth's loss.

- Thank you, Leighton.

- Uh, Leighton, quick question.

You pointed at me when you were
talking about personalities.

- No, no. No, I didn't.
It just looked that way.

- Oh, okay. Great.

♪ ♪

- I would be happy
to offer extra credit

for helping me
with my research.

It's actually
pretty exciting stuff.

Here, take a look.

- Oh, I love all this data.

So many columns
with information in them.

Yeah, this looks so cool.

- Okay, well basically,
I just need help

with data calculations using
the blue binder's raw data.

The formula's in the green one.

- The blue one, the green one.
Totally get it.

- Well, I have a meeting
for the next few hours,

but when I get back I'll tell
you how my data forecast

changes in the oat milk
industry over the next decade.

If you'd like that.
- Sir, I would love that.

- [chuckles]

Have fun with that data.

- What the f*ck
am I looking at?

[phone chimes]

♪ ♪

- Whoa, cool portrait.
Is that, uh, Rob Schneider?

- Are you kidding me?
That's Sid Caesar.

He basically created TV comedy.

- Nice.
I'm surprised you know that.

- Holy sh*t, is that
a real cue card from SNL?

Jude Law hosted that one.

I can name the host
and musical guest pairing

of every episode of SNL
since the year 2000.

- Okay, prove it.

Musical guest, Korn.

- Eva Longoria hosted.

- Ludacris.
- You trying to trick me?

Ludacris? He hosted
and he was the musical guest.

- Okay.
Who was the musical guest

when the Rock hosted?
- My boy Dwayne,

AKA Maui the demi-god,
AKA the tooth fairy

has hosted five times
with musical guest,

George Ezra, Ray LaMontagne,
Andrew WK,

AC/DC, and Katy Perry.

- I can do a good Stewie voice.

[as Stewie]
If you want to hear it.

[normal voice]
I think I'm gonna head out.

Uh, thanks for
bringing us up here.

- Yup.

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- ♪ You only live once
better turn it, turn it up ♪

♪ It's showtime
that's all we know ♪

- Yo, everyone.
This is Whitney.

- Baby senator. Welcome back.

The last time she was here,
she stood in the corner so long

I thought she was
her mother's secret service.

- That's Jayla.

Who apparently woke up this
morning and chose v*olence.

- Can your mom introduce me
to Travis Scott?

- Honestly, yeah.
She probably could.

- Sick.

- Can I get you a drink?
- Yes, please.

- Okay.

Let's see what
they left for us.

- Okay.
- Oh, this is wild.

Is this Canaan with a girl
in broad daylight?

Yeah, you should know, this guy
never introduces us to girls.

He just sneaks them
into his room at night

like some kind of sex Batman.

- Really? You're a sex Batman?

- No, no. That's not true.
- It is though.

What the f*ck?
Who's playing a slow jam?

I thought this was a turn up,
not a wind down.

Yo, Nate, what's up
with the music?

- Are you staying for dinner?

Because we're doing
a nacho bar.

And I don't mean to brag,

but we go pretty hard
with the toppings station.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no.

I actually have
to leave in a bit

to go to an acapella show.
- [laughs]

Oh, wait. Are you serious?

- Yeah, no one should ever
have to go to an acapella show.

- Unless you,
like, love acapella.

- Okay. I can tell
I misrepresented

myself this morning,
and while I am

somewhat okay with
being known as the girl with

the senator mom,
I am not okay as being known

as the girl who likes acapella.

I'm going against my will.
- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Holy sh*t,
this autograph wall is insane.

Oh, my God.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Are you kidding me?

I love this place so much.

- Well, by midnight tonight

you'll know
if you're in or not.

- [sighs]
Don't remind me.

- Look, the deliberations
can get crazy.

But I'll just tell you,
I'm gonna vote for you.

- I'm not sure Eric
likes me enough.

- Eric doesn't like anyone.

I'm his roommate
and best friend

and he regularly calls me
a talentless hack.

- You are though, right?
- [chuckles]

Don't worry about Eric.

I'll convince him
you're worth a sh*t.

- Holy sh*t.
Is that Elaine Stritch?

She's the greatest of all time.

When did she come here?
Was it during her..

Hey, um, I don't, um...

- It's okay. Everybody's gone.

- No, I don't want
to do whatever this is.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, I just...

Are we cool?

- Yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah.
- Okay.

Great. Cool. Well, I'll see ya.

Thanks, thanks for
the wall and stuff.

[moaning]

- You sure about this?

- Yeah, he said he'd
be gone for hours.

- ♪ Show me love ♪

♪ Show me love ♪

- This is hot.

- Oh, my God.

- Kimberly.

- Sir, this is my fault and
I take full responsibility.

If you want to report anyone,
report me, Chad Mickland.

- Wait, is Nico a nickname?

[gasps] Oh.

Professor Bennett, I realize

this was a horrible lapse
in judgement.

But I'm having a really hard
time in your class

and I'm so far behind.

So if you please could
just give me one more chance.

- You've had plenty of chances.

You've arrived late to class,
you've missed assignments.

Now you made love on my desk.
- We were only kissing.

He never took it out. Tell him.

- I don't think
that's gonna help,

but it's true,
it wasn't out yet.

- It does not help.

Get out of here.

- Oh, okay. I'm going.

I would still love
to hear your thoughts

on oat milk futures, though.

- Then you can listen
to my TED Talk.

- Got it.

♪ ♪

Hey.
- Hey.

How's it going
with you know who?

- Actually, I kind of wanted
to talk to you about that.

I think I might
be a sex addict.

- I promise you, you are not.
- We had sex six times today.

- Okay, that's a lot.
- And it was almost seven,

but then a professor
walked in on us.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Everything I see makes me
think of having sex with him.

Like, have you noticed
how phallic

the lampposts
on this campus are?

- I have not.

- Okay, I'm here.

Can we take a quick photo for
proof and then we can leave?

- I was thinking we would
cheer really loud

in the first song
and then just scurry out.

- I can do that.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, did you turn in
your submission?

- Yeah, it's in.

- Is everything okay?
You don't seem excited.

- I don't know.

I'm just--I'm pretty sure
I'm not getting in.

- You're probably just
being tough on yourself.

- No, but it's fine.
Maybe it's even for the best.

- Hello, everyone.
We are the AcaFellas.

And we are ready to rock you.

Oh, though, to be clear,
we only do pop covers.

Three, four.

[all vocalizing]

♪ Havana, ooh, na na ♪

♪ Half of my heart
is in Havana, ooh, na na ♪

- Whoo!
- Yes!

[all cheering]

- ♪ Havana, na na na ♪

- Okay, he saw us.
Now we can leave.

- None of you ever let me do
anything this embarrassing.

- ♪ Havana ♪

♪ He didn't walk up
with the how you doin' ♪

- Okay, Whitney is meeting up
with Canaan again tonight.

God, I love this.

- I'm sorry.

Are you invested in
the happiness of someone else?

I do not know how
to process this information.

- She's kind of cool.

And of the three
of my roommates,

she's definitely
the most normal.

And it turns out, I am pretty
good at giving dating advice.

- You are for someone
who introduced me

as a business acquaintance
to a cashier.

- Okay, look,
I'm not a showy person.

I don't need to put on
a rainbow bathing suit

and run down
the street screaming,

"I have a girlfriend."

- Oh, you have a girlfriend.

- Yeah.

No, I mean--I don't know.

[soft acoustic music]

Do I?

- Yeah, you do.

Come here.

- ♪ Going so fast
every thought we had ♪

♪ Is coming undone ♪

♪ Falling behind
with everything we left ♪

- Oh, sh*t.
Baby senator's back, y'all.

- Uh-uh, we're gonna have to

work on that nickname,
loud girl.

- Loud girl? Excuse me?

You know, actually,
I love that. I am loud.

- You are loud.
- Glad you came back.

- Of course I did.

I spent the last two hours
thinking about one thing.

- Ditching Canaan for me?
- What? No.

Nachos.

- Darius, no one
would pick you over Canaan.

That's insane.

- [sighs]

[knocking on door]

[chanting]
Bela! Bela! Bela!

Bela! Bela! Bela!
- Bela Malhotra,

you've been tapped
by the Catullan.

Do you accept?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

- Congratulations.
- You so deserve this.

Your packet was amazing.
[cheering]

- I was dying
reading your stuff.

You are an absolute genius.

- We're so proud of you.

- Yes!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Shine ♪

- Hey, let's not
have sex tonight.

- Okay, I was gonna say
the same thing.

- Really?
- No.

- Oh.
- It's all good.

Okay, other options.
We can watch TV.

- TV sounds good.
- Okay.

- I can't stay late, though.

I have to study
since I public sexed

my way out of an Econ credit.
- [sighs]

If you need help with
that Econ grade, I can help.

Theta keeps copies
of midterms and finals

that lazy professors
recycle year after year.

So if you want to know
what's on Bennett's test,

it's right here.

You could borrow it
if you want.

- No, no, I can't do that.

Cheating is, sort of,
the antithesis

of everything I believe in.

- All right. Whatever you want.

- What I want is to go
back to your room, please.

There's this new documentary on

factory farming
I really want to watch.

- Wow. First no sex
and now a farming doc.

This night just keeps getting
hotter and hotter.

- [groans]

I'm one glass away
from getting Asian flush.

- You haven't had any yet.
- Exactly.

- [laughs]
[phone rings]

- Um, girlfriend,
should I ask why

a girl named Maya
is calling you at 1:00 a.m.?

- Oh, my God, chill.
She's just a friend.

She's actually coming to visit
in town this weekend.

- To visit your vag*na?

- Maya is not a thr*at to you.
Okay?

She's my brother, Nico's,
girlfriend.

[funky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Go to bed.