04x01 - Just Dunk Me

[bunniefuu]

(BOTH SCREAM)

You just don't seem very happy.

EVE: I had a life. I had
a husband and a house.

CAROLYN: Both you and
I know perfectly well

that Kenny didn't take his own life.

Kenny was k*lled trying
to expose the Twelve.

Villanelle is our best chance
of getting to them.

(SCREAMS)

Do you ever think of anything else?

VILLANELLE: Admit it, Eve,
you wish I was here.

I left a man to die so I
could save a psychopath.

(GRUMBLES)

No. I'm totally done
with her. End of story.

Do you know her well?

God, you're sexy.

You're a beautiful monster, Villanelle.

She's my boss. Ex-boss.

- It was a very toxic workplace.
- WOMAN: This is Rhian.

(SCREAMS)

- Please...
- (GRUNTS)

You're the one who's been
stealing money from the Twelve.

Wherever I go, someone
wants to m*rder me.

(BOTH SCREAM)

It was inevitable. (FIRES g*n)

Go, before I change my mind.

Why k*ll him? He was a source!

One cannot destroy the Twelve.

What's happened to us?

- I've k*lled so many people.
- I know.

VILLANELLE: I don't want to
do it anymore. Any of it.

(BIRDS CHIRP)

- (TRAIN CHUGS)
- (SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)

(WATER GUSHES)

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ This is the time
to give you a reason ♪

♪ This is the time to bare my soul ♪

♪ This is the time to
tell you the real truth ♪

♪ Do what thou wilt is
the whole of the law ♪

♪ I have to say that
sometimes it hurt me ♪

♪ I have to tell you
that often I cried ♪

♪ Need I remind you
it's not always easy ♪

♪ The part that k*lled
me has already d*ed ♪

♪ Walking in a shadow of
a dream I once lost... ♪

- Arrgh! Ahh!
- ♪ Looking all around me ♪

♪ Trying not to count the cost ♪

♪ Thanking God I'm not his son
nailed up there on the cross ♪

♪ I'm doing no less than my best ♪

♪ It's not easy... ♪

They are like animals.

The things women post to you.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

No. (GASPS)

You're head of town.

If I'm going to die, can
I at least take this off?

The headline wouldn't be good.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

What?

Eve?

Stand up.

Eve. How did you find me?

Stand up. Put your hands up.

Take that off.

(MUSIC ENDS)

What are you now?

- An assassin?
- What are you now?

- A mayor?
- (LAUGHS)

- (FIRES g*n)
- (SCREAMS AND GROANS)

Ow!

- Why did you do that?!
- That was for Kenny.

- Tell me how to find Helene.
- (GROANS)

You can't find someone like her.

I don't even know myself.

They keep everyone separate.

(CRIES OUT)

If you find a new recruit,
maybe you can track them back.

What does that mean?

She looks out for new assassins.

Part of her job, like a talent scout.

- Give me a name.
- I don't have a name.

Villanelle pushed the
last one under a train.

- Give me that name.
- You sh*t me in my hand.

Oh, get over it.

What is she like, Helene?
What does she look like?

She looks French.

She looks French, okay?

If you want to find Helene,

why not just ask Villanelle?

You're going to die, you know?

Whatever this is,

you won't come out of it.

Thank God.

(SLOW ORGAN MUSIC)

(WOMAN SINGS) ♪ You made a believer ♪

♪ Out of me ♪

♪ I'm moving on up now ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm out of the darkness ♪

♪ My light shines on ♪

♪ My light shines on ♪

♪ My light shines on. ♪

SONG: ♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La. ♪

Have I ever told you
you sound like an angel?

Only "sound like"?

Oi. Little Miss Perfect,

cat's been sick on the
carpet next door again.

I'll deal with it.

It's chunky.

I said I'll deal with it.

Don't know how you do it.

Just sprinkle a highly
absorbent powder on top.

I meant I don't know how you
can be so good all the time.

(MYSTERIOUS ETHEREAL SINGING)

I don't have any other choice.

(SIGHS)

(SOFT BEEPING)

SONG: ♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Before it's too late... ♪

EVE: Rhian Bevan.

♪ Taking a moment ♪

♪ To think about what you say ♪

♪ Taking a moment ♪

♪ To think about how you feel ♪

♪ Does your life tell you
you don't belong here? ♪

I brought you a protein shake.

Are you stereotyping me?

Oh, God, you're right.
I'm so sorry. I'll get rid of it.

No, I... I'd like...

Ooh.

I don't want to waste it
'cause it was leg day today.

- Leg day.
- Yes, leg day.

- Are you looking at my ass?
- Yes.

- (DOOR SHUTS)
- God, your life is boring.

Who are we protecting today?

You know, I'm going to give it an hour

and then I'm gonna follow
up on the Helene lead.

Uh, before I forget,
I have some admin for you.

This is a written warning from work
about your continued absence.

Don't worry, I got one as well.

You're supposed to be covering
for me. Where were you?

I got invited to a threesome
in the Cotswolds.

Well, Cotswolds is
supposed to be lovely.

Next, please.

Another invitation.

This one looks a little anthr*x-y.

She's not giving up.

_

I don't think so.

(SIGHS)

What?

You sh*t someone.

In the hand.

How did it feel?

(SIGHS)

Like you said it would feel.

(GENTLE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

- Wanna have sex?
- Yes.

You gotta buy me dinner afterwards.

Yeah, if you're any good.

_

- _
- MAN: At : ,

you're judging a
sand-sculpting competition.

At : , you're explaining
British culture

to some local schoolchildren.

And this evening,
you're going to see a play

about the horrors of
the Spanish Civil w*r.

'Humankind...

cannot bear very much reality.'

Do you know who wrote that?

Gandhi.

(PHONE RINGS)

MAN ON PHONE: There's a Mr.
Smith downstairs for you.

Gracias.

Tell him I'll be right down.

Ah.

I can't promise I'll do any of it.

But if I do, I shan't be sober.

Classic, ketchup, mustard, cheese...

- Pickles. Onions.
- Pickles. Yes, of course, pickles.

Mustard, mayo...

- No. Mayonnaise?
- Mustard... Yes, mayo.

- Top and bottom.
- You're a psychopath.

- That's good beef.
- It's vegan.

The bacon too.

- What?
- (COUGHS AND LAUGHS)

- I knew that would piss you off.
- Hmm.

It's the funeral home Rhian
Bevan's body was taken to.

How did you get this?

I've got an old mate
from the Foreign Legion.

I saw him do some pretty
terrible things to some civilians

and I never said anything.

Now he works for TfL,
so it all paid off.

Mmm...

- Oh!
- Ah. See? Let your guard down.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Ohh!

(PANTS)

See, that's good. I...

- Is it good? How about this?
- Oh!

Oh... okay.

(GRUNTS AND CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

(TAPS ARM)

- Uh.
- (COUGHS)

- Ohh.
- (CHUCKLES)

Ahh.

Any... Anyone else want to try me?

- Listen... don't get cocky now...
- No?

... 'cause I'll come back.
I'll do the arm bar

and take you down!

Thanks, David.

You can have a break.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

What do you have for me?

Jakub Novotny.

He was found two weeks
ago in a disused warehouse

on the outskirts of Prague.

You said he was tortured?

Flayed alive.

Whoever did this,
literally tore strips off him.

- There are pictures.
- Mmm.

This reminds me of something.

- String cheese.
- Oh, yeah.

Just that. Is this all you have?

I told you it's not my investigation.

The BIs don't get involved
in m*rder cases

unless they are of national
security concern.

Cultural attaché.

We both know that it's code
for 'kicked out on your ass'.

I could say the same about you.

You were my most promising student.

You know my daughter d*ed just like...

Yes, I remember.

Grief makes us strangers.

Even to ourselves.

Carolyn!

Just excuse me a moment, Milos.

- Shoo, shoo, shoo.
- Easy. Easy.

Aren't you going to congratulate me?

- On what?
- Did you not get the fax?

I got promoted.

Apparently, there was an unexpected
vacancy on the Russia desk.

It's actually amazing
the kind of leverage

you get from being sh*t at work.

Wait! Wait, where are you going?

(SPEAKS SPANISH) _

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

You can't ignore this, Carolyn.
This is your final warning.

This is your final warning.

The Twelve are far more lethal
than any of the hostile states

or t*rror1st organisations
that you care so much about.

And I am your best hope
in understanding them.

- (SCOFFS)
- If you choose to ignore my expertise,

then either they've got to you before me

or you're even more dimwitted
than I thought you were.

- Or you're just desperate.
- (TENSE MUSIC)

Stop meddling.

'Cause if you don't,
you know what'll happen.

You'll be arrested,
tried in a secret court

and put in prison for a
long, long, long time.

- We will make sure of it.
- Is that so?

Nice little jobs in the sun are for
those of us that behave nicely,

not those of us who still
invite Czech intelligence

on a beach holiday when
they've just be fired.

What exactly are you
going to arrest me for?

If you hang on, I can show you.

That was you, wasn't it?

Paul Bradwell.

You need some cream for that sunburn.

You look inflamed.

Look, I'm going. I'm going.

- I'm going.
- Muchas gracias.

Wow.

More fish and loaves.

You know, you don't have to live
exactly as they did in the Bible.

You can be guided by your own instincts.

It's better for me to have a road map.

Dad?

For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord make you thank me.

- Amen.
- Amen.

(CAT HISSES)

Lucifer, no.

Leave her, May, she's okay.

Lucifer, we talked about this.

I'm sorry.

She needs to realise this
is your home too now.

Mmm.

May, Nelle has to find her
own place at some point.

She won't want to stay here forever.

It's fine by me.

Well, even if she doesn't
live with us anymore,

she's being baptised tomorrow.

And once she's baptised,
she's part of the family.

I've always wanted a family.

(GROOVY MID-TEMPO MUSIC)

Fish?

I thought we agreed we were
going to widen your horizons.

Find some interests
away from the church.

Well, you wanted me to
have a friend my own age.

Now I have one.

Nelle isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Why? Because she's too perfect?

- SONG: ♪ And I already know ♪
- ♪ Already know ♪

♪ How it ends. ♪

SONG: ♪ Abide with me... ♪

Wow.

- ♪ Fast falls the eventide... ♪
- (SIGHS)

So holy.

♪ The darkness deepens ♪

♪ Lord, with me abide ♪

- ♪ When other helpers... ♪
- (SIGHS)

Let me have a new life.

♪ Fail and comforts flee... ♪

Please.

- ♪ Help of the helpless... ♪
- (MEOWS)

Oh.

- ♪ Abide... ♪
- Come on. (CLICKS TONGUE)

- ♪ With me. ♪
- Come here.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Come on.

- That's it. See? Hmm?
- ♪ Swift to its close... ♪

- (MEOWS)
- ♪ Ebbs out life's little... ♪

- There's nothing to be scared of.
- (MEOWS)

We're all friends here.

- (HISSES AND SNARLS)
- Ahh!

- (THUMP, SPLASH)
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)

(GASPS)

Ohh.

_

_

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (GASPS)

Can you stroke my hair?

(SIGHS)

Now tell me why you like me so much.

You're kind.

You're funny.

You're generous...

clever.

You're understanding.

Loyal.

SONG: ♪ So this is love... ♪

The best person I've ever met.

Oh.

♪ L-O-V-E, love... ♪

(PHONE RINGS)

♪ Tried and true... ♪

(PANTS)

- Hey, what's up?
- MAN ON PHONE: Don't be pissed off.

She made me drive her here.

(SONG ENDS)

Whatever it is, no.

Hmm.

I was about to give you a compliment.

You look purposeful.

Less untethered. It suits you.

Thank you.

There's been a spate of murders.

All of them tortured,
none of them solved.

The first victim was someone
in Paul's phone book.

The second was linked to the first,

and the third, I suspect,
is something similar.

Someone has been hunting down
and k*lling members of the Twelve.

That means they know a damn sight
more than we do about who they are,

which, in turn, makes
me want to know them.

Unfortunately, my
avenues of investigation

have been recently cut off,

so I need you to take up my good work

and continue the investigation.

Carolyn.

(LAUGHS) We've been here before.

I'm hardly asking for a kidney, Eve.

But if I am, I'm offering
a slice of lung in return.

You're clearly still looking into them.

Why else would you be working
for a private security firm?

The people are nice.

I'll pay.

For access. I mean...

Money's not a problem.

I have an unfashionable
amount of inherited wealth

and absolutely nothing to spend it on.

You're still playing the
same old game of chess.

So what game are you playing?

See, this is what I'm talking about.

I want to sweep the chessboard
off the table and set it on fire.

I want to watch those
little wooden critters burn.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Keep the file.

You might find you need
to know the critters

before you incinerate them.

You're kidding me.

You want the file, don't you?

- You want the file?
- Of course I want the file.

- You stink.
- (STARTS ENGINE)

You love it.

So, after the sermon, I'll
lead you over to the font

and present you to the congregation.

'Our Lord Jesus Christ has told us

that to enter the kingdom of Heaven...

BOTH: We must be born again
of water and the Spirit.

And has given us baptism

as the sign and seal of this new birth.

- Here we are washed... '
- 'Here we are washed

- by the Holy Spirit.'
- Of course, you know it already.

Clearly I'm surplus to requirements.

Let's jump to after you've baptised me.

May God, who has received you
by baptism into his church,

pour upon you the riches of his grace.

May, come here.

Here.

Here. My guest needs to sit here.

- What guest?
- May, does it matter?

Nelle, we don't reserve seats here.

Well, I... I can't reserve
a seat at my own party?

Vicar. Vicar.

Barbara, I'm just running Nelle
through the baptism service.

Can I really not reserve
a seat at my own party?

- Vicar, you're gonna wanna see this.
- In a minute, Barbara.

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

Lucifer.

Please, Nelle, explain why
you were in the graveyard

with a shovel.

The cat was dead when I found it.

I... I went out late last night
to hand out some blankets

to the homeless and I...

I saw it lying on the side
of the road, uh, squashed.

Why didn't you tell us?

(SIGHS)

Because you loved it.

Nelle, are you sure
you're ready for baptism?

I saved you a pretty gory burial.

One of the eyes was not
where it should have been.

It's not just Lucifer, it's the fact
that you've been here for months

and we hardly know anything about you.

I... I was, uh... born in Russia,

abandoned in an orphanage,
then sold into sl*very...

Yeah, and you seem more interested
in someone seeing you be baptised

rather than the baptism itself.

What if you're baptised in a forest

and nobody sees you getting baptised?

Are you really... baptised?

Do you believe in God?

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

I believe that people who believe in God

are good people for me to be around.

No, I can't baptise someone
who doesn't have faith.

I have faith.

- But...
- No, I have faith

I'm not as shitty inside as
some people think I am...

and that I can prove them wrong.

Mmm. But only if you baptise me.

- _
- (PSYCHEDELIC ROCK MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS)

How can I help?

Well, I wanted to ask a
couple of questions about...

I totally understand.
Please, take a seat.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Okay.

There you are, a throne for a princess.

Look, we have plans suitable...

Actually, I'm not looking
to arrange a funeral.

I wanted to ask a question
about one you did a while ago.

Rhian Bevan.

- I'm an old teacher of hers...
- Pam.

- ... and wan...
- Pam!

Oh, can't you just maybe look into...

I'm business, okay?

She's... other.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (BELL TINKLES)

- Hi there. Are you...
- Hi.

Welcome to J. Palmeira & Son.

Please, this way. So...

SONG: ♪ It wasn't something
that he said to me ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

- ♪ What he said was so old ♪
- ♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ It wasn't something
that he did to me ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

- ♪ The more he played it so cool ♪
- ♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ It wasn't something
that he said to me ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

- ♪ What he said was so old ♪
- ♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ It wasn't something
that he said to me ♪

- ♪ Come on, come on... ♪
- (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

- ♪ What he said was so old ♪
- ♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ It wasn't something that he... ♪

Uh...

Your colleague let me in.

I was hoping to ask about one
of the people you had in here.

Rhian Bevan.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

She was hit by a train.

I taught her when she was a teenager.

Do you remember who was
here to send her off?

You must have had a point
of contact for her. No?

Mmm...

I suppose.

Could you maybe go and check?

(SIGHS)

Thank you so much.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC RESUMES)

SONG: ♪ Without your love ♪

♪ Life is dull ♪

♪ Without your love ♪

♪ There is only ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah... ♪

Nothing.

Never mind. I'll get
in touch another way.

Do you know Helene?

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah... ♪

Sorry about that.

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah. ♪

(SOFT CHATTER)

(DOOR CLOSES)

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the love of God

and the fellowship of the
Holy Spirit be with you all.

CONGREGATION: And also with you.

Baptism marks the beginning
of a journey with God,

our saviour,

whi... which continues for
the rest of our lives.

- (ETHEREAL SINGING)
- It is a joyous occasion.

The beginning of a new life.

A life where Jesus walks
by your side always.

Do it now.

(SINGING CHANGES TO QUIRKY POP)

Therefore I ask, do
you turn away from sin?

I do.

- Do you reject evil?
- I do.

- Do you turn to Christ...
- I do.

... as your saviour?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

- Do you trust...
- Just dunk me!

SONG: ♪ One's love he brought to bear ♪

♪ He didn't want us to be a sorry mess ♪

♪ Without his fine
embrace in every race ♪

♪ Higher, higher... ♪

YUSUF: There are some
decent leads in here.

She's just the kind of
girl they would recruit.

Disempowered,
disenfranchised, disposable.

- Another 'D' word...
- Disadvantaged.

Yes. Good.

Plus, she likes dead people.

Have you ever thought she
might just be unusual?

Sorry, 'dis-usual'.

Uh-uh.

No, this was different.

The look in her eye.

It was...

I've... I've seen it before.

I can't... I can't explain it.

Well, that's an expert analysis.

- Can you put your shirt on?
- Oh!

Just because I'm not, what,
jumping to all your conclusions?

Yes, actually. I don't
want to see your nipples

unless they're fully in
agreement with me.

Okay, well, how about now?

Well, now I just want nuts.

Well, they're all gone.

Mmm.

Wait.

Wait, I'm sorry I can't fulfil
your insatiable need for nuts.

- No, I really want nuts actually.
- (SIGHS)

(WATER BUBBLES)

Hello.

(CRUNCHES)

(TAPS GLASS)

(SLOW, WISTFUL MUSIC)

I forgive you.

What?

I said I forgive you.

You forgive me?

For not attending my rebirth.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

I understand it might be painful
for you to see me blossoming.

Oh. Oh, is that what you're doing?

I'm trying to show you I've changed.

You are the same person.

- You are exactly the same.
- I'm not here to argue, Eve.

Maybe I've changed.
Have you thought of that?

Maybe I don't need any...

- What are you doing?
- Praying for you.

Oh.

Dear Jesus, please let Eve find faith...

I don't need your help.
I need you to leave...

... to be who she really is inside.

Give her courage.

Don't you understand...

Save her like you saved me. (CHUCKLES)

If you'd really changed,

you wouldn't have come here.

If you'd really changed,
you wouldn't have let me.

SONG: ♪ I'll give you
something you want more ♪

♪ I write you letters
and you don't read it ♪

♪ Tell me, honey, what... ♪

(GRUNTS)

♪ I don't like you ♪

♪ Anymore... ♪

Different person.

♪ I don't need you like before ♪

♪ Yeah, but I want to ♪
♪ Yes, I want to ♪

♪ Yeah, I want to really
get to know you more ♪

♪ Want to know ♪

♪ Want to know you ♪

♪ Want to know ♪

♪ Want to ♪

♪ Want to know ♪

♪ Want to know you ♪

- ♪ Want to know. ♪
- (SPITS)

(TENSE, PULSING MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ I know what you're thinking ♪

♪ It's so easy ♪

♪ Hoo hoo hoo ♪

♪ This affair, I love it ♪

♪ Just hold it up close ♪

♪ Hands down ♪
♪ We all know... ♪

- Ahh!
- (GRUNTS)

(COUGHS AND GASPS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

♪ Misery loves company... ♪

(GROANS)

(INDISTINCT SINGING CONTINUES)

(SONG ENDS)

Found her.

Hello.

I said hello.

Is anybody there?

(MUTTERS)

You know it would be
much, much easier...

(CHUCKLES)

if you just showed me you're real.

Huh, a little wave?

Hmm.

Maybe you don't know.

Yeah.

But it's very much in your interest
for me to believe in you.

I knew you weren't real.

(GENTLE SONG PLAYS)

MAY: I'm sorry your guest didn't come.

(CHUCKLES)

She doesn't believe I'm a Christian.

(SCOFFS)

- Well...
- She thinks I'm pretending.

No-one could pretend as well as that.

Not even the best actress in the world.

Depends on the audience.

Well, this audience knows you.

She knows you'd never hurt anyone.

SONG: ♪ Jesus, Jesus... ♪

You don't know me.

♪ Help me find my... ♪

- Ahh!
- ♪ Proper place... ♪

(PANTS) Nelle!

- (GROANS)
- ♪ Help me in my weakness ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm falling out of grace... ♪

(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

♪ Jesus... ♪

- (PANTS) No!
- ♪ Jesus... ♪

No! No!

Oh, no, no, no!

(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

(COUGHS)

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Huh? Huh?

Shh. Shh...

Oh. Shh.

Oh, I didn't k*ll you.

Oh.

Shh. Shh.

_

♪ 'Cause I'm falling out of grace ♪

♪ Jesus... ♪

Vlad.

- Hello, traitor.
- ♪ Jesus. ♪

(SLOW PSYCHEDELIC ROCK)

Uh,

are you who I think you are?

What can I say?

I'm as surprised as you.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Uh...

So, uh, what happens now?

Oh, easy.

I'll lead you to salvation.

Hmm?

(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK SONG CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES)

- How is Villanelle?

Oh, you know, she's a Christian now.

How do you know she won't k*ll you?

I mean, the Twelve, they've probably
got your mugshot on the wall.

What's the matter? Did someone
get m*rder*d? (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Don't try and outsmart me.

You haven't got the neurons.

How many toilet breaks?

- I might not come out of this.
- I'm gonna give you four

in case of nervous poos.

Your goodness is really starting to pop.

Yes.

(PSYCHEDELIC SONG CONTINUES)