02x02 - Jack Looks for a Job

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper. I didn't hear you knock.

You know, you left your front door open. I do now.

It's very dangerous. Any undesirable could walk right in on you.

You're absolutely right. I know.

I'll close it. You alone?

Yeah. You'd better leave it open.

Of course.

Is there anything I can do for you? You got any baked beans?

Baked beans?

Yeah. Carter's baked beans. I just want the labels.

Are you on a paper diet or something?

See, they're having a contest, and the first prize is two weeks in Hawaii.

All you gotta do is eat three cans of Carter's baked beans.

And that wins the trip? No. You gotta do a little more than that.

Three cans, and you probably will.

Look, I don't think I have any, but feel free to look in the kitchen.

Thanks. Baked beans.

[ Chattering ]

Hi, Jack. Hi. Hi.

What's that smell? Mr. Roper's here.

You're cooking something expensive again, aren't you?

Ah. So what?

You can't put a price tag on taste. You don't have any.

Hi, Mr. Roper. What kind of house is it without baked beans?

A house without a can.

Jack, we are supposed to be cutting down on our grocery bills.

You know we can't afford to eat that kind of food every night.

Especially with one of us not working.

Well, you don't have to spare my feelings, Chrissy. Why don't you come out and say it?

We all know which one of us is not working.

All right. You're the one who's not working. That hurts.

You've got a mean streak in you, Chrissy. Well, you asked me to say...

I have been looking through these want ads all day.

Well, here. Let me look for a while.

Well, there's a lot of part-time jobs listed here.

Yeah, I know, but none I can fit in with my school hours. How about this one right here?

"Young man wanted to sell encyclopedias. Set your own hours. Good commission."

Yeah, I thought about that one, but it's not for me. Why not?

I don't know. Selling door-to-door and hearing all those women saying no.

I couldn't take that kind of rejection.

I don't see why not. You've had enough practice here with us.

Oh, wait. Here's another one.

"Male models wanted. Ten dollars an hour"?

Mm-hmm. Must be tall, young and good looking.

No. They wouldn't want me.

Now, why not? You're tall. Yeah.

And young. Yeah.

And? Maybe they won't notice.

"Then place a cucumber slice over each eyelid... and relax for 20 minutes."

Is that you, Stanley? Yeah.

Where'd you go? You didn't even have your breakfast. Just went down the street.

I had to get a...

What's this? Oh, it's for wrinkles around the eyes.

Well, it's working. You got a g*ng of 'em there.

Chew it slowly, Stanley, 'cause that's your breakfast.

I got the entry blank for the Carter's bean contest from the supermarket.

Now all I gotta do is answer 10 simple questions, make up a slogan... and then mail it together with these three labels.

Well, where'd you get the labels? At the supermarket.

They accidentally peeled off the cans while I was passing by.

You're wasting your time. You never won a contest in your life.

You're always knockin' me.

For once, couldn't you say, "This time, he's gonna do it"?

Oh, I say that a lot.

Let's see. What's the first question here?

What's the capital of Ecuador?

Ecuador? It's a country, Stanley.

Let's forget the questions. Let's go right to the slogan.

I thought of a great slogan on the way home. Listen to this.

Carter's beans for the red, white and blue.

If they're good enough for the army, they're good enough for you.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Get the door, will ya, Helen?

If they ran a lazy slob contest, you'd win easy.

Oh. Hi. Oh, hi. I'm sorry to bother you so early, but do you have a razor I could borrow?

Oh, sure. Hey, Stanley, get your razor for Janet, will ya?

It's not for your legs, is it? Oh, no. It's for Jack.

Jack's legs?

You see, Mr. Roper, he was shaving with his electric razor. Oh?

Yeah. But then, when he was halfway through, it quit on him.

The story of my life.

It's in the kitchen, Stanley. My razor's in the kitchen?

I was slicing cucumbers with it.

Just press 'em, Chrissy. You don't have to sharpen them.

I am trying to help you get the job. Yeah. That's good enough.

Thanks. You're in luck. I got you another razor.

Oh, great. Oh, no. Not a straight razor.

Hey, I just wanna shave, not commit su1c1de.

Hey, I'll shave you, Jack. Are you kidding? What happens if you cut my ear off?

Well, then, I'll say I'm sorry.

Yeah, but I won't be able to hear you. Don't worry.

I know how to use it. I used to shave my grandfather every day when he was ill.

You mean, the one without a nose? That's him.

Forget it. I'll go macho. No.

Don't be silly. It is not dangerous. I'll prove it.

Could you go get some lather, Janet? Sure.

Let's see. There was a balloon around here somewhere.

Let's see. Ah! It's left over from the party.

Okay. You're not going to bribe me with a balloon.

It is not for you. That's the way they train barbers.

They start 'em out shaving on balloons. But it doesn't need a shave.

If I can shave that, I can shave you. Hold still, please.

Well, this isn't... this isn't the same thing as my face, you know.

It hasn't got interesting cheekbones or a firm, yet sensitive chin.

Neither do you. Will you hold still? And just watch and see... what a delicate little touch I have, okay? Yeah.

Hey. Huh. See?

[ Both Screaming ]

Where is Freddie? We've got a lot of work to do. I don't know.

Oh, well, let's get some sh*ts of you while we're waiting. Okay.

Oh, what'll we be doing today? It's a new series... called "Bedroom Playground."

[ Sighs ] And a centerfold. Oh, good!

I haven't done a centerfold for ages.

It's not for you, darling. It's for Freddie, if he ever gets here.

How come the guys are getting all the centerfolds?

Equal rights.

Would you like me to wear my black fishnets and my lace garter belt?

Not for this layout. Just wear your dimples. Can't I wear the garter belt?

I have a head cold. Then wear a wig.

Hi. Yes?

I came in answer to your ad. Look, I'm gonna be very frank with you.

I have no experience, and I know you're talking to a lot of people.

And I know you'd like to see some references to make sure I'm qualified, but I'll work very hard and be very cooperative, so feel free to ask me anything you'd like.

What's your name? Jack Tripper.

You got the job. No.

I have?

You're in pretty good shape, are you? Oh, yeah.

Forty-two chest. Thirty-one waist.

What about the rest of you? Fantastic.

Take off your clothes.

Uh, are we modeling bathing suits?

No. Birthday suits.

I...

What's wrong? I just thought I was supposed to model clothes.

Do you want the job or don't you?

Yeah, but I don't wanna pose naked.

Not naked.

Nude.

What's the difference? Oh, there's all the difference in the world.

Naked is dirty.

Nude is art, and that's what my pictures are... art.

Uh, can I ask you something? Um, what are these pictures for?

Living Love.

Uh, excuse me.

What's Living Love?

You've heard of Playboy? Yeah. Sure.

Good. Now you've heard of Living Love. Will you get undressed?

Uh, I don't think I wanna do this.

Ashamed of your body. Of course not. It's just that I have certain principles, and there's some things I will not do, and one of them is...

Did you come here to debate or to make 10 bucks an hour? Where do I get undressed?

Right in there.

[ Woman Screeches ]

I didn't know this... cubicle was taken. Otherwise, I wouldn't have come... barging... in like this.

Uh, I'm really sorry. I would've knocked. I hope I haven't, uh...

Hey. What? Oh, uh...

No. This one seems, uh, to be taken.

Then why don't you use the empty one? Huh? Oh, right.

Well, see ya. You just did.

That was Sally. Uh, Sally, this is Jack.

I'm using him instead of Freddie. [ Sally ] Hi, Jack!

[ Jack ] Hi, Sally. You're cute.

[ Jack ] Well, you're cute too. I'll be with you kids in a minute.

Oh, uh, well, listen. Sally? Yeah?

Why don't you go ahead of me? I can wait. I got plenty of time.

[ Sally Laughs ] We're posing together, silly!

You did not tell me I would be posing with a girl. Oh, what's wrong with that?

We'll both be naked. Nude.

Nude. What about my family, my friends?

No. I only want you and the girl.

I mean... what if they see me?

What? What if my family, my friends see me in a magazine?

Oh, don't worry about that. You see, the way I use light and shadow, nobody'll see your face.

I'll show you what I mean. Here's a sh*t I took yesterday. [ Gasps ]

You've got one... You've got four people there.

Five.

Hi. Hi. How'd your modeling job go?

Terrific. I'm selling encyclopedias.

What happened? They wanted me to pose naked.

Uh, nude. They asked me to take all my clothes off. Can you imagine that?

Poor baby. They took one look and turned you down.

No. I never gave them the chance. I walked out on 'em.

Why? Why? How would you like to open up one of those... kinky sex magazines and see me lying there?

I don't know. I think you'd look pretty cute with a staple through your navel.

I can make more money selling encyclopedias.

Why'd you take that job? I thought you said you couldn't handle the rejection.

There won't be any rejections, not with this sales manual Morris Morris gave me.

Morris Morris? Yeah, that's the sale manager's name.

It's Mr. Morris Morris. Sounds like he ought to be selling ditto machines.

Yeah. But he's a real nice guy, and the first week, he's gonna go around with me and break me in.

Janet, listen to this. And for every $300 set of encyclopedias, I get a $50 commission.

What? Oh, yeah, right... if you sell 'em. What do you mean, if?

All I have to do is follow this sales manual word for word, and I can't miss.

Look. I'll show you. All right. Hey. You be a potential customer.

Okay? Come here. And here... this is the front door.

All right? All right. Okay.

All right. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

What are you doing? I'm peeping through the peek hole.

This is a very rough neighborhood. Don't mix me up, okay?

All right. No. I'm inside now. Oh, sorry.

Ah, madam, what a love... Hold on.

Ah, madam, what a lovely three-piece living room set you have.

Oh, thank... What? Well, that's what it says here.

See? It tells you what to say step-by-step in every situation.

Oh, really? Well, sit down. Thank you, madam.

Now... Excuse me. Mm-hmm.

Thank you, madam. Now, you may know, as we do, that knowledge is the key that opens the door... [ Gasping ]

What are you doing? My husband has been away at sea for 17 months.

Is that right?

Knowledge is the key that opens a door to a child, and we have a carefully provided program.

Oh, I am so lonely. Come on, Janet. A program for a basis... of a sound... for a s... a...

Would you stop blowing in my ear? Why should I stop?

I thought your manual handled every situation? Well, now, wait a minute.

Let me check. Uh... Oh, yeah. Here it is. Ear blowing.

Uh... ooh! Jack! [ Screeches, Laughs ]

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm selling her a set of encyclopedias.

That's what I thought you were doing. Are you okay?

Uh-huh. Good.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Jack! Get off! Get off!

I need to practice on somebody. Well, practice on me.

It looks like fun. Oh, I'd love to, but I need a real customer.

You wouldn't happen to know the capital of Ecuador, would you?

What? Listen. There's an easy way to find that out.

Let's see. Ecuador begins with "E." Oh. Yeah.

I used to be very good at geography. I knew all the capitals of the world... till these new countries started popping up every day.

There it is. Ecuador.

The capital is Quito.

Quito? Quito. That's a very useful book.

You know, I wouldn't mind having one of those. It came in handy, didn't it?

Yeah. Thanks. Now, where was I?

You were saying you needed a real customer.

Yeah, if I... Roper!

He's half-sold already. He can be my first customer.

Ladies, tonight we eat in style.

Here it is, Helen. Two weeks in Hawaii as soon as I mail it.

You're wasting your spit, Stanley.

You'll never win.

Oh, Mr. Roper, could I talk to you for a second? I'll be right back.

Talk to Mrs. Roper. Uh...

Uh, good afternoon, madam.

I'm conducting an educational survey.

Well, in that case, you'd better come in.

Ah, what a lovely three-piece living room set you have.

It's two pieces, and it's horrible.

Yes, now, madam... Mrs. Roper... have you ever wished... you were better informed about, for instance, epidemiology?

Oh, I get it. You're selling encyclopedias. No.

Uh, that is, yes, but I'm not supposed to say so. I'm supposed to talk about things... like the Sumatran elephant, a fascinating creature.

And it's not generally known, but it only mates once a year.

I know how it feels.

I just made the 4:00 mail. That's nice, Jumbo.

Jumbo? Jack is selling encyclopedias.

Well, look at this beautiful book. I mean, it's a world of information at your fingertips, such as... right here...

This is the anatomy of the human male, in full color.

Oh, that's very interesting.

Oh, yeah. Course, Stanley doesn't have one of those anymore.

One of what?

An appendix.

And then here's the female anatomy in full color.

Ooh! Oh!

Flora and fauna of the North American continent.

Yeah.

How much did you say this costs?

You know, if he sells one set of these, he gets $50 commission?

We can really eat.

Then maybe we should buy a set from him.

I think I'll make myself another cup of tea while I figure that out.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

How do you do? I'm Mr. Morris. Hello.

Morris Morris? Hello, hello.

I'm here to see Mr. Tripper. You wouldn't happen to be his wife, would you?

No. But he'll be back in a little while. Why don't you come on in, sit down?

Oh, thank you. Ah! There they are.

What handsome encyclopedias! Yes.

Oh, is that what you've come about? Exactly.

Could you excuse me for one minute? Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

Janet, there's a man out there who's asking about encyclopedias.

You mean a customer? Yes.

Ooh. Okay. Let's keep him here till Jack gets back. Yeah.

Hello. Oh, hello!

Mrs. Tripper? No.

Ohh, uh, uh, uh...

Well.

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

Aren't these beautiful books? Oh, yes. Hand-tooled leatherette... with genuine imitation gold leaf.

And just so full of information. Yeah.

So, you'd like to buy a set? Uh, no.

No? No. We thought you would.

Oh, my goodness, no. I'm here to sell them.

To go around with Mr. Tripper, show him the ropes. Some of the forms are very complicated.

Oh, you must be Morris Morris. Yes.

What a great guess, Janet. How'd you do that? What?

Where is Mr. Tripper? Jack? He's downstairs right now selling a set of encyclopedias.

Oh, no! All by himself? Mm-hmm.

Why, he's untrained! He can't do that alone!

Mr. Roper, if you'll just sign here. Here?

Yeah. No! There!

Here? No. I'm sorry. I have to sign there as a witness.

Here? Yes.

No! No! Yes. I'm sorry. On the, uh, bottom.

[ Doorbell Rings ] And that's about it.

[ Jack ] I sign here.

Oh, good afternoon, madam. I wonder if I might have a word with Mr. Tripper?

Oh, sure, sure. Come on in.

My, what a lovely three-piece living room set!

Mr. Morris, I've just made my first sale.

Fantastic! [ Both ] Great.

Is this your signature, Mr. Tripper? Yes, sir.

And yours, Mr. Roper? That's right.

Congratulations! Thank you.

You've just bought yourself a set of encyclopedias.

And you, sir, qualify for the $50 commission. Oh, my God.

No, no. Wait. There's some mistake. A contract is a contract.

No, but I made the sale. Mr. Roper, would you just cross out your name...

No, no, no, no. I'd lose my 50 bucks. Oh, uh...

Well, look, I have an idea. Why don't I tear this... and put his name there and then my name up here... You ripped the contract!

No. It tore by itself. Oh, my God. I can't stop myself! Oh!

I'm sorry.

Hi. [ Both ] Hi.

Oh, where's your encyclopedia case? I turned it in.

Another day of Morris Morris, and I would've gone mad, mad.

Hey, listen. I got a job as a part-time waiter at the Pizza Paradise.

All right. You know, I think you should've stuck to modeling, I really do.

What? Yeah. A girl at the office, she had this copy of Living Love lying around, and, well, Janet, I think that Jack looks terrific.

Caramba. That's not me. I never posed for them.

Let me see this. No, no, no. I admit that the face is a little shadowy, but I would know those feet anywhere, wouldn't you, Janet?

Oh, right. Mm-hmm. Those are not my feet.

Oh, and those knees! Mm-hmm. And that waist.

And that. Chrissy!

Hairy chest, Jack. Those are not my hairs. That's not me.

Oh, come on, Jack. You don't have to hide it from us.

Not anymore.

[ Man ] Three's Company was videotaped... in front of a studio audience.