02x02 - The List

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Felicity...

Would you still want to date her
if you knew that she loved you?

Yes, I like her.

You're not ready
for this. End it.

Okay? Trust me. I know
what I'm talking about.

FELICITY ON TAPE: God,
Sally, I don't know what this is,

but... I think maybe it's love.

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FELICITY: I can't believe it.

I used to just hope
I'd run into him...

(FAST-FORWARDING)

kissing in the back
room and making plans.

All I know is, I want
this feeling to last...

You sure this isn't rickets?

Oh, get away from me, freak.

Or maybe it's scurvy.

What?

Did you listen to my tape?

What if I did?

I can... I cannot believe you.

I mean, would you
break down in tears,

or start popping pills,
or what? I'm just curious.

My tapes are private, okay?

I put intensely
personal things on them,

things that aren't
any of your business.

Things I couldn't
care less about.

It would be like me
looking in your box, okay?

Wait, you looked in my box?

I was making an analogy.

Between what?

Forget it.

Fine. I didn't listen
to your damn tape,

but if that's the way
you're gonna be,

whip it out. What?

Your tape. You think it compares
to what's in my box? Prove it.

You let me listen to the tape,

I let you look in the box,

and then we'll know
which one is more intense.

Fine. Fine.

But I'm not gonna play
the whole tape. Just do it.

FELICITY: All I know is
I want this feeling to last

the rest of my life.

God, Sally, I don't
know what this is,

but... I think...

I mean... Maybe it's love.

Okay.

Wow.

That's lame.

Whatever. Let's just
see what's in the box.

I don't think so.

Unbelievable.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Dear Sally. So, week one of
my sophomore year was over.

Ben and I were doing great,

and being an R.A. was actually
turning out to be a fun challenge.

Um, before we
start this meeting,

Meghan and I just wanted to say

how much we've enjoyed
this first week with you guys.

You've all been amazing, so...

Except for you.

You're weird.

Meghan. What?

He eats his hair.

Okay, um, so,

let's just open
up the discussion

and just feel free to talk about

any problems or concerns, or...

I have a concern.
There's a shock.

Well, I just want to say that I
might be laughing on the outside,

but I'm crying on the inside.

I think that's something
you should keep an eye on.

Are there any real
problems or concerns?

Gretchen.

I can't handle this anymore.

Uh, okay, I'm gonna
go see if she's okay.

Don't give her attention.
That's exactly what she wants.

Meghan, that's our job.

(SCOFFS)

Sucker.

Hey.

(SOBS) I'm sorry I
ruined your meeting.

What's going on?

My boyfriend Ian.

I'm losing him.

What do you mean?

Last night, we were
supposed to go to the library,

and he totally forgot.

Did you talk to him about that?

He doesn't like to talk.

So, I was... I
was thinking of...

Of doing this.

"10 steps to winning him back"?

They say it works.

1, "Seduce him
on the cell phone.

"When your ex is en route,

"give him a ring on his mobile

"and purr naughty nothings."

2, "Fire him up
with lusty lingerie"?

Sort of obvious.

3, "Put blush on your nipples"?

Okay, you cannot do this.

Gretchen,

look, I can't tell
you what to do, but...

I mean, if this were me...

I wouldn't be in a relationship
where I couldn't be myself.

I mean, those lists are
asking you to be a lie.

Pretend you're
someone you're not,

and you shouldn't
have to do that

to keep your
boyfriend interested.

I mean, you want
Ian liking you for you,

not liking some girl a
stupid magazine made up.

Right?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Um, sort of.

We're just kind of starting out.

The beginning's
the best, isn't it?

They're always really
sweet and romantic.

Ian used to leave me
love notes everywhere.

My backpack,

my shoes.

Then one day, he got
this funny look on his face.

"Funny look"? Yeah.

And I never got
another love note again.

FELICITY: I hadn't
really seen that yet,

a funny look on Ben's face.

I don't think.

But, God, I don't want
to over-analyze this.

I just want it to be what it
is, which, so far, is great.

FELICITY: Hey, what are
we gonna do about tonight?

I thought we were gonna go
see that movie in Bryant Park.

No, we are. I meant about food.

Maybe we should take a picnic.

We could be evil and
pilfer from our workplace.

As long as we don't
pilfer these muffins.

Why? What's wrong with them?

Nothing. I just eat,
like, 20 of them a day.

Well, if the movie's bad,

we can throw 'em at the screen.

Yeah. (LAUGHING)

What are you doing?

I used to be able to juggle.

Well, you're
really terrible at it.

What are you talking
about? I'm good.

Good thing Javier is not here.

Yeah. He could fire us
both at the same time.

What?

I love this.

Being with you, it's just great.

Yeah, it is.

What, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm gonna go
and lock the front door.

Okay. Okay.

FELICITY: It seemed
like a funny look.

It had all the signs
of a classic funny look.

But you know what?
I'm gonna ignore it.

I mean, maybe Ben's just stressed
out about his class schedule,

or maybe it's nothing.

Aw, man, are you in trouble.

Why? We have a
great time together,

and I like hanging out with her.

Yeah, that's not
the issue, though.

Oh, it's not?

No.

That tape, my friend, it's
like a monkey in the room.

You know, you guys can have
the greatest time in the world.

The fact is... That monkey's
always gonna be there.

It's an elephant, right?
An elephant in the room?

It's not normal to have a
monkey in the room either.

My point is, you
listened to her tape, right?

She thinks this is love.

Might be love, and
she wasn't talking to me.

Which makes it worse. She
was talking to her girlfriend.

That's like talking to a colleague
versus a customer, right?

Your colleague,
you tell anything to.

You talk about how
lousy the business is,

how useless the product is,
how much money you're making,

but to the customer,
everything's great.

Listen, Felicity's friend
is getting the real deal.

You, on the other hand,
are getting the soft sell.

Yeah, I just... I don't want to
make a big deal about this, all right?

So why'd you tell me?

I don't know.

Okay.

Come on, tell me.

No.

Is it more or less than 10?

I'm not answering that.

(CHUCKLES) It's less than 10.

That's adorable. It's
like you're a virgin.

Hi.

Hi. Nothing for
me, please. Okay.

Can I get a coke? Sure.

What about her? She's cute.

Yeah, but I...

I can't ask out
the waitress now.

She thinks I'm a
virgin, thanks to you.

Come on, Noel, it's time
to move on. Felicity has.

Okay.

Okay, I'm just... Okay,
I'm just gonna do it.

Yeah. All right.

Okay, so, how do I look?

Like a virgin.

Thanks for ruining the confidence.
All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

(INAUDIBLE)

I... I didn't know what to
say, so I asked for a straw.

Okay. A straw is good.

That's a start.

It's like I've lost
all my moves.

What about the
girl in Berlin? Beth?

Doesn't count. She was
drunk and I was desperate.

You sure you don't want
a drink with your straw?

Uh, yeah, I'm good, thanks.

You can have my coke.

You inviting me to a party?

Oh, you're inviting me to a
party in my own apartment.

I'm not inviting you. I am
asking you if I can have one.

No. No more parties.

Come on, Sean.

No.

But it's the beginning
of the school year.

I mean, you know, don't you
want to start if off with a bang?

A bang, yes. A party, no.

One hundred and
fifty college kids...

That equals a
trashed apartment. No.

How about 150 college
kids at 5 bucks a head?

Well, now you're
speaking my language.

50/50?

Well, normally,
I'd insist on 70/30,

but since it's you...

You'll do it. Yeah. I'll do it.

Thank you. Thank you.

So we make a pretty
good team, don't you think?

We do.

Hey, where you going?

Oh, there's this guy, Tim,
in my human sexuality class.

He's really interesting, and I've been
looking for an excuse to talk to him.

Now, I have it.

Well, I'm glad
that I could help.

Hey.

Looks good.

Yeah, and don't
worry. No muffins.

Oh, hey, I finally got those
pictures back from our road trip.

Oh. Thank you.

They're really good. The one at the
Mighty Mart in Saint Louis, that's classic.

Aren't you gonna look at them?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

(EXHALES)

They're good, huh?

Yeah, they're good.

Okay, what's wrong?

I mean, something's
obviously wrong.

No, nothing's wrong. I'm fine.

You're not fine.

You have this funny
look on your face,

and it's the second
time I've seen it today.

Is it about us?

No, it's... It's not.

You're not happy, are you?

No.

I just...

I don't know if this is
what I want right now.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Is that all he said?

Uh, yeah, and then I left, so...

We never made it to Bryant Park.

I'm so sorry.

I just wish I knew why.

I should have known
this was gonna happen.

No. No, you're just
following your heart.

Yeah, well, I hate
my heart right now.

He's a guy.

Nothing they do
ever makes sense.

(SNIFFLING)

You know, I never told
her I listened to her tape.

That's okay.

Why put salt on
the wound, right?

Yeah.

Hey, Ben, you did
what you had to do.

Sean, what if I made a mistake?

I mean, what if I'm...

Oh, great. You
guys got the beer.

Hey. Hey.

Gretchen?

I know.

What are you doing?

It's part of my
high voltage look.

It's number 6 on the list.

I thought that... That I
was gonna quit the list?

I know...

But thank God I didn't,

because I think it's working.

Ian called me.

Oh.

Oh, don't be mad.

I mean, I took your advice
for a couple of hours.

Gretchen, I'm not mad, I just...

I... I don't think Ian's calling
you has to do with the list.

I mean, he probably
just misses you.

Oh, no. It was the list.

One of his friends saw me
dressed like this in the cafeteria,

and now Ian wants his
own personal viewing.

You went to the
cafeteria dressed like that?

Well, I'll see ya.

Oh.

There's an outfit on page 54

that would look k*ller on you.

Your boyfriend will die. Bye.

♪ Conversation's not my thing

♪ Small talk's not
in my vocabulary

♪ Show me a woman who
knows how to shake her stuff

♪ And you gonna hear
me holler from the rooftop ♪

Um, hi. I'm Noel, and...

What? No.

No? I don't date customers.

Oh, but I haven't...

Look, I've got a
boyfriend, okay?

Well, that was fun.

You struck out?

No, no. Striking out would
have been a pleasure.

I was, uh, thrown out
of the game entirely.

Okay. Show me your technique.

What?

You spot a Gwyneth Paltrow
look-alike across the room...

What do you do?

Uh, I don't...

I stand 50 feet back
and hope she notices me.

I'm Gwyneth.

Try and pick me up.

That's a lot of pressure, I mean,
you being Gwyneth Paltrow and all.

All right.

I'm Noel.

(LAUGHS) No.

See, that's exactly
the same response

I got from the waitress.

The key to picking
up a woman is staging.

You've gotta work in stages

in order to make
her feel comfortable.

I'll show you.

You be Gwyneth,
just stand over there

and try to look very blonde.

Hmm? All right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey.

You haven't seen the
bathroom, have you?

Yeah, it's... It's
right over there.

Thanks.

By the way, I'm Elena.

I'm... I'm Gwyneth.

See how simple that was?

Yeah, that's not bad,

but I'm an easy sell.

I don't think it's quite the same
in the real world, you know?

Well, here is the
perfect opportunity.

Julie invited us to a party.

Uh, no, thanks.

I think I'm gonna
pass on any further

social interactions for a while.

Noel, you're going to the party,

you're going to
use my technique,

and you will get
a girl's number.

Fine.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah?

Oh. What do you want?

To take you out to
dinner. I'm free tonight.

Well, I'm not, so...

How about tomorrow?
I've got an opening

from tomorrow till I'm about 30.

God, you are such a pest.

You're like this bug,

this incessant, annoying gnat.

A gnat? Yeah, a gnat.

With a "G"?

Yeah. A gnat never
leaves you alone.

When you're happy,
when you're sad,

when you're...
It's always around

until one day, splat! It's gone!

So I guess this means you're
not gonna go out with me tonight?

I'm not going out
with you tonight.

I am not going out
with you tomorrow,

I am not going
out with you ever.

Dr. Seuss. I like him, too.

Sorry.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hey.

Hey.

I thought, um... I
thought we should talk.

Yeah. Me, too.

I... I don't exactly
know where to start.

Then, can I ask
you something first?

Sure.

Was it just me, or,

did we have an
amazing time together

on our trip?

No, it wasn't just you.

Then what changed?

I mean, between
then and last night?

I'm not trying to put you
on the spot or anything.

I guess I'm just
trying to understand.

I mean, I spent...
I spent all day

just kind of trying to
figure out what happened,

and then I started
to blame myself,

like maybe it was
something that I did.

It's...

I don't know.

I... I guess I just feel a
lot of pressure, that's all.

From me?

Yeah.

I... I'm just worried that
I'm not gonna be able

to live up to your expectations.

My expectations? I mean,
all I want to do is be with you.

See, I think you
want more than that.

I think you want someone

who's gonna be totally
focused on you, like long-term.

I... I think you want someone

who's gonna talk to
you about everything,

and I'm not really good at that.

It's just it's a lot
to do with knowing

that you think that
this might be love.

Or, uh...

Or whatever.

Wait a second. Love.

I mean, who said
anything about love?

You did.

What?

I, uh...

I listened to your tape.

Oh, my God.

I know.

You listened to my tape.

Why?

I don't know.

I really... It just... I don't
know. It just sort of happened.

Um...

I'm just... I don't understand.

You broke up with me because
of what I said on my tape?

Ben, I wasn't even thinking
when I was saying those words.

I mean, it was, like, a
stream of consciousness...

Which makes it even worse.

You were being totally honest.

So I can't be honest?

No, it's not that.

Then what is it?

I don't know. Can we
just forget it, please?

No.

No. I can't just forget it.

This is exactly what
I'm talking about.

I'm sorry, but don't
you think I deserve

some kind of explanation?

Yeah, but can't anything
just be what it is?

I mean, everything has to
be the hugest deal with you.

You came into my room, you
picked up my tape recorder,

you listened to my thoughts.

I'm sorry, but to me,
that is a huge deal.

Okay. You know what?

This isn't gonna work.

I... I thought maybe
it could, but it can't.

MEGHAN: It was Ben?

This is classic.

Yeah, so, um...

Sorry that I accused you.

Okay, wait. Did he
listen to the whole tape?

I think so.

Oh, my God.

You must feel so stupid.

FELICITY: I didn't feel stupid.

I felt lost,

like, if I didn't find
something to hold on to,

I'd drown.

My advisee, with the list,

turns out, it's actually
working for her.

I told her it
wouldn't, but it did.

So I decided to do it. The list.

Not all 10 things,
just some of them,

like, uh, number 5,
"Go where the action is."

Which shouldn't even count because
I was going to the party anyway.

And, uh, number 6,
"Dress high-voltage."

I can rationalize that, because I would
have wanted to look nice no matter what.

Besides, I'm not wearing 5-inch
heels, like some people I know.

Number 7 is, "Let him
see you with another guy."

And that one...

That one I can't explain.

(KNOCKING)

Hi, um...

I know, um...

I know what I said
earlier, and, uh,

I don't want you to blow
this out of proportion,

because it totally
doesn't mean anything.

But... Do you, uh...

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Would you mind going
to a party with me?

Mind?

There you go.

Enjoy yourselves. Thank you.

Hey. I'm Tim.

Hey.

Friend of Julie's.

Oh.

That'll be 10 bucks, Tim.

Actually, uh, Julie
said she'd arrange it

so that I wouldn't have to pay.

Really? Well, she didn't
say anything about it to me.

Okay.

Here you go.

Have fun, Tim.

Thanks.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Julie.

(INAUDIBLE)

ELENA: Remember,
the key is patience.

Take your time.

Your objective right
now is just get her name.

Right. Okay, okay. Uh...

Yeah, I'm going in.

Hey! You know where the keg is?

Uh, it's right here.

Oh.

Wow, what an idiot, huh?

By the way, I'm Noel.

And... And you're...

Brigid.

Bridget? It's a nice
name. It's nice to meet you.

Brigid. No "t."

Oh, Brigid. Okay.

Okay, no "t". Brigid.

Right.

So... Uh...

What?

Nothing.

Uh, so it was nice
to meet you, Brigid.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Thank you.

Sean, I need your help.

Why? What happened?

Tim will not leave me alone.

I thought that was the point.

Please?

He's weird.

If I have to listen to him quote
Neil Diamond one more time,

I'm going to die.

I'll take care of it.

Oh, thank you.

TIM: Julie!

There you are.

So are you sure that...

You're okay with
watching the front for me?

Um... Oh, no problem.

TIM: I can hang out
with you if you want.

No. Hey, Tim...

You know what?

I think you and I need
to talk guy-to-guy.

FELICITY: The minute I
got there, I wanted to leave.

Because the list only changes the
way you look, not the way you feel.

Sure.

It's feel America.

Isn't that great?

FELICITY: That's...
I mean, that's great.

One day, I'm going to be
President of the United States.

BEN: Hi.

FELICITY: Sally,
number 9 on the list

is stay icily indifferent,

which may prove
to be a little difficult.

BURKEY: Can I make
you something to drink?

Sure.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Please?

Sure.

I'll...

It's okay by me.

(INDISTINCT)

You look great, by the way.

Thanks.

But don't think I
wore this for you.

Right, you, uh, you
wore it for your date.

I wore it for me.

Yeah.

Well, I still think
you look great.

Listen, I'm... I'm really
sorry about the tape.

I really am. I shouldn't
have listened to it.

And I agree with you,

the picture of us at
the Mighty Mart is...

That's my favorite, too.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We look happy in it.

I thought we were.

Yeah.

♪ When we wake up in the night

♪ And we looked up at the sky

♪ And the mountains
looked so high

♪ The oceans far and wide... ♪

FELICITY: Number 10 on the
list is "Don't let him see you care."

Maybe that's
something I should try.

Maybe I do show
my feelings too easily.

Maybe you're right. I mean, this
doesn't have to be such a big deal.

Really?

Yeah, I mean,
maybe we could just...

Take it day by day.

No expectations.

You sure?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

How much is in here?

Seven hundred dollars.

Seven hundred dollars? Shh.

Hey!

We made $700?

No, we made $1,400, split 50/50.

I do not even make
$700 all summer.

Well, there you go.

Sean, I do not know
how to thank you.

Hey, it was your idea.

But it's your place, and
you're the one who decided

to charge 10 instead of five.

And you got rid of
lame-o Tim for me.

Yeah, poor lame-o Tim, huh?

And you let me live in the loft.

You're just... You're
really nice to me.

Hey, you know what?
We should celebrate.

That is a great idea.

Good. I'll make reservations.
What time is, uh...

What time's good for you?

Oh, I can't tonight.
I have a date.

Oh.

Yeah, I met this
guy in the bookstore.

He was standing next to me, and he asked
me to go to the vanguard with him. So...

Well, that'll be fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, well, maybe
some other time then.

Definitely.

FELICITY: I've discovered
the most disturbing thing.

That by not being me,
I'm getting what I want.

A week's gone
by since the party,

and things have been,
well, sort of weird.

But Ben seems really happy.

And we've decided to go to
the movies at Bryant Park again,

which is really great,
since I've still never been.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Hey. Hey.

How's it going?

Good. Good.

Um...

So I...

I went to Bryant
Park last night.

Oh, my God!

I totally forgot about that.

That's okay.

No, I was helping
Sean return the kegs,

and then we
grabbed a bite to eat.

I'm so sorry. I hope
you didn't wait long.

No, I...

No, I didn't wait that long.

Well, listen, I'll
make it up to you.

We'll go next week.

Oh, you know, we could have,

but, um, last night
was the last one.

So... Oh...

But don't worry about it.
It's not that big of a deal.

I should go punch in. Right.

Hey, listen, um...

Thanks for being so
understanding about this.

Sure. Okay.

FELICITY: So it's starting to
get to me, this compromise.

And I can't stop wondering,

are there parts of me
that, if I give them up,

I won't be me anymore?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey.

Hey.

Can I come in? Sure.

Thanks.

So, uh...

Ian dumped me.

So he didn't like
the shoes, huh?

He didn't even like the
blush on the nipples.

I can't believe I did that.

Well, do you at least feel
better that you tried the list?

I feel stupid.

How do you do it?

Me?

You'd never compromise
yourself the way that I did.

I mean, you'd never sink so low

that you'd do something
you totally didn't believe in

just to be with some guy.

Hey! Hey.

What are you doing here?

Um, waiting for you.

You want to, uh,
do you want to walk?

No.

Oh.

(SIGHING)

The truth is,

I can't be with you like this.

I mean, I know I
said that I could,

but I can't.

I just can't compromise
myself like that.

I mean, I'm an emotional person.

I feel things, and I need
to be able to get upset

and talk about how I'm feeling.

I mean, that's just,
that's who I am,

and I can't change it.

I don't want to.

And the thing is, you knew that.

You knew it, and
you still pursued me

because you want
something with me.

You just aren't strong
enough to have it.

Which...

In a way, makes you a coward.

And the saddest part is that...

One day, you're
going to wake up,

and you're going to
realize what you missed,

and it's going to be too late.

I don't know what to say.

I know. It's okay.

♪ Oh, summer day!

♪ You took me by
complete surprise

♪ I started falling away

♪ Wanting what I couldn't find

♪ Days I've searched and I...

FELICITY: The time
had come to let go,

to let go of old habits
and old dreams.

I'm ready to move on,

to see what else is out there.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

You want to come shower with me?

Um...

I've already showered
today, but thanks.

Wait, Burkey.

The other night, I...

I guess, I kind of used you.

That's okay.

I mean, it's not the first time

that's ever happened to me.

I'm sorry.

Let me state, for the record,

you can use me
any time you want.

Ow.

FELICITY: It's one thing
to say you're going to let go.

It's another to actually do it,

to loosen your grip,
to let yourself fall.

So when I walked into
the haircutting place,

I was taking a leap.

But I wasn't doing it for a guy,

or because of some list.

I was doing it for me.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)