01x07 - Alex's Choice

[bunniefuu]

That last multiple-choice question
was really hard.

- I got A.
- I got D.

And I'm pretty sure I'm right.

D wasn't even close.
Why are you so sure you're right?

No, I got a D on the test.
I'm sure I'm right about that.

Oh, look.

Gigi's handing out invitations
to her annual tea.

I'm so glad we're not invited,
because then we'd have to talk like this:

Hello, Mumsy. Hello, Popsy.

Isn't this a lovely tea?
Do you think my pinkie's high enough?

No, higher, like this,
because if you're going to a fancy tea,

you need to act
like you've smelt something terrible.

Good afternoon, Alex, Harper.

How is this lovely day
treating you so far?

What happened to your faces?
Apply your makeup with a hammer?

That is really funny, Alex, but incorrect.

What you see is the result of a method
where they inject stuff into your forehead.

Then, in a few days,
it falls down into your cheekbones.

Wait a minute, timeout.
Why aren't you fighting back?

We just bagged on your faces,
which should be in a bag.

See? I did it again.
Why aren't you insulting me?

Remember? We don't like each other.

Oh, but that was back
when we were young and foolish.

- That was yesterday.
- My point exactly.

That's why I'm inviting you
to my tea this weekend.

Your tea? I've always wanted to go.

Thanks, Gigi, this is great.

What?

Well, I hope you guys can make it.

Come, girls. Let's go make fun
of Eddie till he cries.

Alex, I've always wanted
to go to a high tea.

- I love the idea of eating tiny sandwiches.
- You're serious?

I don't mean to sound unsupportive,
but are you out of your mind, woman?

Gigi has terrorised us
since we were in kindergarten.

Well, I think Gigi's taking the high road.

And I wanna reach out to her.

And if you wanna be a negative Nellie,
then go ahead.

The only Nellie I know is Nellie Rodriguez,
and she's a very positive, upbeat person.

Hi, Nellie. You going to Gigi's tea?

Yeah. I can't wait.
It's gonna be so much fun.

So, what are you gonna wear?

There's nothing worse
than a positive Nellie.

I can't believe you won't let me go
into the lair. You're bunk.

I'm not the one
who said you can't go in the lair.

Dad said no one can
while he's out of town.

Call me bunk.

Then how am I supposed to study

these new pocket spell books that Dad's
gonna quiz us on when he gets home?

You'll study like you do
for regular school.

You'll sit here and do your work,
and I'll do mine.

With your dad gone for the weekend,
I promised I'd do the bank deposit.

I can't believe Dad's making us
memorise spells.

It's like he's gone, but he's not gone.

Can you at least stop shaking your leg?
I'm trying to concentrate.

Shaking my leg is how I concentrate.

- Cut it out.
- That's how I concentrate.

Guys, please.
I'm trying to do this deposit.

I know. Isn't Max so annoying?

You're the one who flicked my ear.

Oh, you mean like this?

Okay, that's it. That's it.

Come on. You guys
are gonna study your magic in the lair.

Come on.

See? We can't even get in if we want.

Dad put a lock on it.
There's probably some kind

of complicated magical spell on the lock
that we'll never be able to break.

Or a giant key
hanging on a hook right here.

I thought that was a decoration.

Come on. Get in the lair.

And don't tell your dad I let you in there.

You know what today is a great day for?

Today is a great day
for throwing myself into work.

Take orders
and not talk about my problems.

Slice salami
and not talk about my problems.

Be nice to rude customers
and not tell them about my problems.

You know me, service with a smile.

Oh, honey, you sound like you
wanna talk about your problems.

Mom, why are you always
in my business?

Okay, fine.

All right, I'll tell you.

Gigi invited Harper and I to her tea.

But Harper's gonna go.
She thinks Gigi's nice all of a sudden.

Well, people change.
Maybe Gigi is nicer.

Mom, if I'm gonna tell you about my
problems, you have to agree with them.

Okay, okay. Gigi, horrible, mean.

I know. Isn't she?

But Harper doesn't think so.

So I guess Harper and I
aren't friends anymore.

Oh, don't say that.

You and Harper have been friends forever.
And you'll always be friends.

You'll just have your ups
and your downs.

Right, like when we were nine

and we had the lemonade stand
and Harper kept all the money.

Well, she did do all the work.

- Mom.
- Sorry.

Sorry.

Where's the spell to get you
to stop shaking your leg?

Wizard mail?

You know, we always get wizard mail,
but we've never sent any out.

You're right.

Let's send out some prank mail.

Stranded on a deserted island

in the lava sea.

There's a lava sea?

I don't know. It's prank mail.

Got it, got it.

Wait. All we have to eat is hot rocks.

I like your thinking.

And now

we send out our first piece
of wizard mail.

Cool. Now what?

Now we wait.

Oh, now we're having fun, huh?

This is awesome.

- Hey.
- Harper.

Hi.

Hey, Harper, what's up?

Oh, Gigi invited me to a sleepover.

She wants me to make snickerdoodles.
The ones with the red-hot candies.

Obviously, she really wants
to be my friend.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, it's unbelievable.
As in, I don't believe it.

I mean, come on.

Have you seen anyone finish one
of your spicy snickerdoodles?

It's Gigi. She doesn't like us.

If she invites you to her party,
it's to put whipped cream

in your hand while you're sleeping
and then tickle your nose.

I thought you were gonna be supportive.

I am. I ate your snickerdoodles
the first time you made them.

What's that?

It's the crown we're gonna present
to the best newcomer at the tea.

- Oh, can I see it?
- Oh, no, no, silly.

It's a surprise.

- I can't wait.
- Neither can we.

Something's up.

Some people are a gem
Some people are a rat

To learn who's who
Give me the ear of a bat

Oh, my gosh. Harper came so close
to seeing the crown.

I wanna see it.

Okay.

Do you see the L? It stands for loser.

And it's gonna look so good on Harper
when she's crowned the biggest loser.

Yeah, at our
who-can-bring-the-biggest-loser party.

What does this one smell like?

The stuff that grows between your toes,
mixed with a little earwax.

Amazing. You're right.

The bottle's back.

What's it say?

"We've received your plea for help.

Do not move or leave the island.
The hot lava sea will burn you up."

Good to know.

"Emergency wizards will arrive
to rescue you soon."

They bought it.

"Please use the emergency supplies
to stay alive until we arrive."

What? There aren't
any emergency supplies.

They're pranking us back.

"Emergency wizard supplies."

Oh, a life raft.

I wonder if it's a magical life raft.

Wow, emergency wizards are coming.
They think we're really in trouble.

Max, emergency wizards are coming.
We really are in trouble.

Well, maybe there's a chance
they won't find us.

What are those gloves for?

I'm getting used to them for Gigi's tea.
I need to practise handling things.

Why?

That's why.

Aren't you gonna help me?

Why? They're already bruised.

Harper.

Maybe you shouldn't go to Gigi's tea.

It's really a
who-can-bring-the-biggest-loser contest.

Biggest-loser contest?

Alex, I can't believe you're making stuff up.
It's just sad.

I'm not making it up. I heard Gigi say it.

Oh, Alex, I know you wanted
to hear that,

but we all wanna hear a lot of things
we're never going to hear.

You're never gonna believe me,
are you?

Alex, Alex, Alex.

Real friends accept each other
branching out.

They don't get competitive and jealous
and make up ridiculous stories.

So you're going to that tea
no matter what I say?

Yes, I am.

I can't believe I'm doing this, but

- I'm going too.
- Oh, my gosh.

Yep, you're my friend, so I have
to be with you through thick and thin.

And I have a feeling
that this tea is gonna be thick.

Or thin, whichever one is bad.

Thank you, Alex.
This is gonna be awesome.

We can support each other.

I'll come over four hours before the tea
for a pre-tea tea.

We can get dressed together,
practise our manners...

How about I meet you there?

Hey, Mom. We were just wondering
if maybe we could go to Grandma's.

- Why?
- Why?

Because we pulled a prank,
and now emergency wizards are after us.

Look, it's not that bad.

We just sent a prank message
in a bottle through the wizard mail

saying we needed help,
and emergency wizards responded

saying they're coming.

Okay, it's bad.

You guys are in an enormous amount
of trouble.

We know, we know. I wish we never
would've asked to go into the lair.

And you never would've let us in.

Yup. It's really your fault.

Well, maybe we can go stay
at Grandma's.

Ladies.

Welcome to tea at the Hotel Fleur
du Blahglublahfluflagettyflah.

The Hotel what? How do you spell that?

In French.

We are proud to present this tea,

served to you on the finest china
imported from Japan.

Hosted by
young Miss Gigi Hollingsworth.

I know you'll act
in the most ladylike fashion.

Enjoy your tea here at the Hotel Fleur
du Blahglublahfluflagettyflah.

Remind me to stop at the gift shop

and get a T-shirt
with the hotel's name on it.

Harper, Alex, I'm so glad
you guys could make it.

I mean, your attendance
is gonna make this

the most special tea I've ever had.

Well, thanks, Gigi.
I'm so glad you invited me.

Oh, not as glad as I am.

Attention, everyone.

Okay, then. Well, now that we've all had
a chance to mingle,

I have a huge announcement
I'd like to make.

Let's go look at the ladies' room.

I hear it's so fancy,
the toilet's filled with bottled water.

Plus the soaps look like little seashells.

Oh, I love those. But I really should stay.

I think Gigi's gonna say
something important.

She usually does.

And now it's time
to announce the best newcomer

and present her with the special crown.

I really think we should go.

If we don't go soon, the soaps
will get used and just be soapy lumps.

Look, I don't care
about your soapy lumps.

I can't let this happen.

Truth spell, truth spell.

Some are evil, some are kind
But now all must speak their mind

If my parents could afford
the same dermatologist as Gigi,

I'd be way prettier than her.

Oh, my gosh. Did I just say that?

After I clean my ears, I look.

What's wrong with me?

Please pick me for best newcomer.

Please, please, oh, pretty please
with a cherry on top.

I hope this isn't one of those loser teas.

It'll be the fifth one I've been to this year.

Jennifer looks way prettier than me.

I'm gonna talk her into a bad haircut.

Hey, Jen,
I'm gonna talk you into a bad haircut.

Why did I just say that?

Oh, this is going better than I thought.
Hey, everybody, I'm a wizard.

You guys got everything?

I called Grandma,
and she's blowing up our mattresses.

When your dad gets back,

we have to make sure
we have our story straight.

Or we could get our story straight now.

Officer Lamp.

This is my partner. He's a goblin.

- I have a name.
- Yeah.

But nobody can pronounce that.

We're emergency wizards.

I have a report here
of someone using the wizard mail

to request emergency services

when, in fact,
no services were required.

Yeah, they pranked us.

- That's what I just said.
- But you took too long, you know?

- We're just an ordinary family enjoying...
- You guys are in the wrong place, right?

This is the Russo family
of Waverly Place, New York, New York?

Home to wizards-in-training Justin,
Alex and Max?

These are not the droids
you're looking for.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I figured I'd give it a sh*t.

Okay, I see.

Was that short enough for you?

Oh, now we're doing short jokes?

Guys, so I guess we're cool, then?

Yeah, we're cool.

Just after we ask you a few questions.

Individually.

Did you just say you're a wizard?

I wanna say no,
but yes, I did say I was a wizard.

You think you're a wizard?

Yeah, but everybody's saying
crazy stuff right now.

I want Gigi to say some stuff to you now.

The truth is, I hate wearing this dress.

You wanna know what I wanna do?

- I wanna break this.
- Do it.

That felt good.

You know what I've always
really wanted to do?

This.

Great idea, Gigi. That looks like fun.

Stop. Stop.

All I wanted is a tea
with sandwiches and gloves

and small talk that no one would
remember when they got home.

That isn't what this tea's about.

I know you won't believe me,
but you're gonna believe Gigi.

- Gigi.
- Ladies, ladies.

Finally, someone to restore order.

No.

Here's something
I've always wanted to do.

How you doing today, Max?

I'm fine, thanks.

Is it okay if I call you Maxy?

I got a note here that says
they sometimes call you Maxy.

Yeah, Maxy's cool.

I'm trying out Maximillions, though.
See if it catches on.

- That's great, Maxy.
- I guess it's not catching on.

Are those shoes new?

No. You sure you don't want
to try out Maximillions?

I'm done with him, Goblin.

Get him out of here.

So, Justin,

word on the street is that
you're the best student,

regular and wizard school.

I do okay.

I guess that means
you're smart enough to realise

that Maxy, cute kid,
told us the whole story.

And if your story
doesn't exactly match his,

well, we're gonna have a problem.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We didn't do anything.

Get out of here.

I'll go when I'm ready.

Theresa Russo. Mortal.

Married to former wizard Jerry Russo.

Yeah, you have a couple of nice kids.

We did it. I mean, they did it, but...

I let them into the lair,
so I guess we did it.

We? I? Who was it, lady?

It was me, but they drove me to it.

There was leg-shaking and ear-flicking,
and I had to do the bank deposit.

Do you have any idea how hard it is
to run a business from your home?

Tell you what we're gonna do.

You're gonna let me off with a warning,

because I'm not a wizard,
and I didn't know any better.

What, are you living in a fantasy world?

I feel so free.

I hate the Hotel Fleur
du Blahglublahfluflagettyflah.

Stop it. You have no manners.

I know this isn't going the way you
want it to, but this is what had to happen.

Gigi, why don't you tell everybody the real
reason why you had this stupid tea?

Okay, that's easy.

The truth is that this tea is really a contest
to see who can bring the biggest loser.

And I brought Harper.
She was just about to be crowned winner.

You think I'm the biggest loser?

So all the sleepovers
and the snickerdoodles, that was a lie?

Yeah. We were trying to string you along
and get you to come to this loser tea.

And you didn't come for the tea.
You came to protect me.

I'll always protect you. It's what we do.

You know, it's funny.

You brought Nellie
when Nellie really should've brought you.

See that? Gigi thinks you're a bigger loser,
and you're supposedly her friend.

Oh, you think I'm a loser?

Well, this is what I think of you.

Now, what do you wanna do
with that cake?

I wanna eat it.

Okay. What's the second thing
you wanna do with that cake?

Throw it at Gigi.

I don't like Gigi either.

Here.

I think that it's time that Gigi gets a taste

of what she's been dishing out
to all of us for years.

No, no.

Oh, stop, everybody.

Stop. I honestly think
I may have gone too far.

You think?

But I know someone who hasn't.

Harper.

You want me to wear the loser crown?

- Well, okay.
- No.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's not exactly the tea I imagined,
but I'll never forget it.

- Let's go home.
- Not yet.

There's something I saw
that I kind of wanna do before we leave.

You guys know you have to clean
all this up, right?

We kind of figured.

And pay for everything you broke.

That's fair.
Can we do two more swings?

Sure.

How is washing their laundry
community service?

We're part of the community,
aren't we?

Oh, that's bunk.

Hey, careful with that. That's my wife's.

Oh, it's lovely.

She must be very handy.