01x02 - And Mother Makes Four

[bunniefuu]

[ MUSIC ]

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS
AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE
IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

Well, I put up
the clean curtains.

Oh, Chrissy.

I sure hope Jack likes them.

You're going to spoil him.

No, I’m not.

I just think if he's
coming to live here,

We ought to make him
feel at home.

Well, I did my bit--
I put the toilet seat up.

[ Laughter ]

I just want to make his room
more attractive.

Ugh!

I always say it's little homey
touches that make a home homier.

Chrissy, the man is coming
from the YMCA.

If we stick him in a broom
closet he will feel at home.

[ Laughter ]

I still think that--Why are you
watering the table?

Oh, oh, I could have
sworn that--

Oh, I put the plant
in Jack's room.

It'll brighten things up
for him.

Oh, well, let's don't brighten
things up too much.

You mean you don't want
me to be nice to him?

Oh, sure I do.

It's just--You know how you are.

Every time you think you think
you're doing the right thing,

You end up giving the guy
the wrong idea.

You're right, I’ll watch it.

So will Jack.

[ Laughter ]

What are you doing?

Just stamping out
Jack's name for the mailbox.

But then he'll know
Jack's living here.

Chrissy, the mailman is supposed
to know who lives here.

Not the mailman, my father.

You know how he carried
on when I moved here

From Fresno to Los Angeles.

"Sin city" he calls it.

I mean if he finds out
I’m living with a guy--

Hey, he doesn't have to know.

He knows everything.

Oh, Chrissy, your father is
just a minister, he's not god.

[ Thunder ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

See?

[ Knocking on door ]

The weatherman said there'd
be thunderstorms tonight.

Oh, Mr. Roper,
our smiling landlord.

[ Laughter ]

I'm here to fix
your doorbell.

And Mrs. Roper.

I'm caddying.

[ Laughter ]

Would have been here sooner,
but I’ve been very busy.

Yeah, busy napping
in your arm chair.

I wasn't napping
in my arm chair.

I was watching television
with my eyes closed.

[ Laughter ]

When I want to sleep,
I go to bed.

And when he goes to bed,
he wants to sleep.

[ Laughter ]

What's wrong with that?

Oh, fix the doorbell, Stanley.

It's time somebody's chimes
were rung in this house.

[ Laughter ]

You know, it's too bad your
fairy roommate

Ain't checked in yet.

[ Laughter ]

Why?

He could fix this without a
ladder--Just fly up here.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Stanley was born with
that sense of humor,

That and a few other
birth defects.

[ Laughter ]

Here's your problem right here.

See these wires?
They're loose.

Isn't that brilliant?

How'd they get loose?

Maybe it's like shoe laces, if
you don't tie the bows tight--

Wires don't get loose all
by themselves, you know.

Stanley be careful,
they're live.

I know what I’m doing.

I just want to get
to the bottom of this.

You've been playing around
with these wires?

Girls got to have some fun.

[ Laughter ]

All right, captain Queeg,

You got your confession--Now
make the bell go "ding-dong."

[ Laughter ]

Thanks for helping me
with my stuff from the cab.

You don't have to
take them inside.

I wasn't going to.

Look, I’m sorry about
that jar of pickled onions

I broke in your cab, but if
you keep all the windows open,

The smell should be
gone in about--

A month.

Yeah, with any luck.

That's $ . .

Oh, yeah, I got it
right here.

[ Mr. Roper yells ]

Interesting doorbell.

[ Laughter ]

Aah, ow, ow, ow...

[ Laughter ]

I didn't hear nothing,
I didn't see nothing,

And I don't know nothing.

Oh, oh.

What happened?

He's trying to tell you
someone's ringing the doorbell.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, Jack, come on in.

(Janet) Hi.

Couldn't you knock?

[ Laughter ]

I better get him to bed
while he's still moving.

[ Laughter ]

I don't want to go to bed, I
want to watch "Name that Tune."

That's his favorite program.

Ever since he guessed the "Star
Spangled Banner" in seven notes.

[ Laughter ]

What about the doorbell?

I'll fix it later, unless the
interior decorator here

Would like to do it?

I'm not an interior decorator.

No? I thought all you
f-fellows were.

What fellas?

You know, tinkerbells?

Oh, I see what you mean.

No actually, not all of us
are interior decorators,

Some of us are boxers.

[ Laughter ]

No kidding?

No kidding.

You mean you'd actually
hit another guy?

Oh, only if he
made fun of us.

[ Knuckles cracking ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

We'll get your bags in.

No, wait, you don't have
to do that.

Well it's only fair.

If it were my bags, you
would have to carry them.

[ Laughter ]

That almost makes sense,
doesn't it?

We hope you'll be
very happy here, dear.

Well it beats the YMCA.

Oh, yes, nothing but men,
isn't it?

I can imagine what it
must be like.

As a matter of fact,
I often have.

[ Laughter ]

There you go.

Oh, thank you,
Chrissy.

[ Laughter ]

I'll just put these in my room.

Oh, you can do
that later.

Look, I’m going down
to the Regal Beagle

For a glass of wine.

Why don't you all
join me?

My treat.

No thanks, i--The what Beagle?

Regal Beagle.

It's a pub just like
they have in England.

Yes, they've been opening up all
over the area.

Yes, real cozy, you know, a
little wine, a little bread,

A little thou?

[ Laughter ]

No, thanks.

I've got an early class
tomorrow--Not tonight.

Not tonight, oh.

[ Laughter ]

You know that's a perfect
title for my autobiography?

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Well, here I am.

Yes you are,
aren't you?

Put it there.

Not your hand,
the rent.

Huh?

You do have your share of next
month's rent, don't you?

Yeah, why?

We need it to pay
last month's rent.

[ Laughter ]

Mr. Roper doesn't
believe in charity.

Speaking of Roper, how long
do I have to go on

Letting him think I’m gay?

Oh, as long as you live here.

That's the only way
he'll allow it.

Well, just as long
as you know different.

Chrissy.

[ Audience whistles ]

Don't you have something to do?

Oh, yeah.

Come in the kitchen and
show me what you've got.

[ Laughter ]

Now?

She means the groceries.

Oh, yeah.

[ Phone rings ]

You get that, Chrissy--
We'll take care of these.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, what are you making
for dinner tonight?

Something I learned
in class today--

Veal parmesan with a side dish
of luscious fettuccini.

Oh, I just gained five
pounds hearing about it.

Do you always carry your
pickled onions loose?

No they spilled out
on the floor of the cab.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I was going
to wash them.

Janet--

What?

That was my mother
on the phone;

She'll be here in a few minutes.

What's she doing
in L.A.?

Oh, she went to see
her dentist.

If she finds out--I mean two
girls living in an apartment

With a man, you know what
she'll think.

Oh, come on, Chrissy, people are
doing it all over the place.

That's what she'll think.

Well, I thought that your
father was the problem?

Your father's living
with two girls?

[ Laughter ]

We've got no time.
I'll put his stuff away.

You take him down to the
Regal Beagle, and keep him there

Until I call and tell you
mother's gone, okay?

Right.

Okay, let's go.

Do I have to?

Oh, you'll love it there--
The beer is flat,

But the barmaid's not.

Move 'em out.
[ Laughter ]

Ah.

[ Laughter ]

How you doing?
Nice to see you.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hey.

I'm so glad you
changed your mind.

Come on, sit down.

Thank you.

Have a drink.

[ Laughter ]

Hi.

Hi.

What'll it be?

Uh, white wine for me.

And you?

I'll have a couple of--

[ Laughter ]

One beer is fine.

Coming up.
[ Audience cat calls ]

She's so healthy.

[ Laughter ]

Down, boy.
[ Laughter ]

I knew it.

You're not gay,
are you?

Huh? Oh, uh...

Oh, come on, I won't
give you away.

No, I’m not.

I thought so.

I'm as normal as Mr. Roper.

Don't spoil it.
[ Laughter ]

But you don't have
to worry, Mrs. Roper,

There is nothing going
on in our apartment.

Nothing.

There's nothing going
on in ours either.

[ Laughter ]

Hello, mother.

Oh, I’ve never seen
such traffic--

Hello, mother.

--And these L.A. cabs
are terrible.

They smell
of pickled onions.

[ Laughter ]

Hello, mother.

Oh, hello, darling.
[ Kissing sounds ]

My poor feet.

Oh, you've had
the carpet cleaned.

No, the walls just got dirtier.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, that's nice, dear.

I'll fix you something to eat.

Oh, no thanks, I can't
stay long.

I have to catch the : bus
back to Fresno.

Wonderful.

What?

I mean, you look wonderful.
[ Laughter ]

How's father?

Oh, he's fine dear,
but he worries about you.

We both worry about you living
in this terrible town.

Are you sure you want to stay
here with all the crimes

And the muggings?

Oh, mother,
it's not really--

Oh, I’ve read all about the wild
parties and orgies,

People running around
without any clothes on.

Where would you read
a thing like that?

In your father's
church magazine.

[ Laughter ]

Mother, I wouldn't know an
orgy if I fell over one.

Oh, try not to do that, dear.
[ Laughter ]

By the way, how are those
nice girls you room with?

Janet and Eleanor, isn't it?

Oh, Janet’s fine.
Eleanor left to get married.

How nice.

Did you get another girl
for her room?

No, no, we didn't
get another girl.

That's wonderful.

No sense in my going
back home this late.

Now you can put me up
for the night.

[ Laughter ]

How much longer
do I have to stay here?

Oh, just until
Chrissy calls.

I'm kind of bushed,
and I’d like to go to bed.

Oh hey, honey, how about
a game of darts?

Oh, no thanks, I don't
even know how to play.

Oh, it's easy.
I'll show you how to score.

[ Laughter ]

Have another beer.

No, I want to go home to my own
room to sleep in my own bed.

I don't want another beer.

Would you like
another beer?

Oh, yeah.
[ Laughter ]

Janet, there's a
phone call for you.

Oh, thank you.
That's got to be Chrissy.

Well, I can see I’m
out-gunned around here.

[ Laughter ]

Besides, I got to get home and
make the cocoa for Omar Sharif.

Good night, Mrs. Roper.

Good night, honey.

'Night.

Oh, good night.

What do you mean,
your mother's staying?

Where's Jack going to sleep?

Well, there's the bus station.

The cops will
pick him up.

What about the
-hour laundromat?

The hookers will
pick him up.

Janet, you've got
to do something.

Me? Hey, it's
your mother.

Well if it was your
mother, I’d do something.

Good. Then just pretend your
mother is my mother and do it.

[ Laughter ]

Well, dear, I think
I’ll turn in early.

Oh, you can't go to bed.
[ Laughter ]

Why not?

Well we've hardly
had a chance to talk.

You're right, let's talk.

Not here.

All right, shall we go
into the kitchen?

What about a motel?
[ Laughter ]

A motel?

We don't have to use
our real names.

[ Laughter ]

Chrissy, you're behaving
very strangely.

Am i? Well, we just haven't
seen each other much lately.

Which reminds me--

Chrissy, where are you going?

Uh, I want to make
your favorite salad

And I need some carrots.

Well, where are you going to
find carrots this time of night?

Uh, there's a machine
on the corner.

[ Laughter ]

Look I’m sorry, I understand
your problem.

If I had any money
I’d go to a hotel,

But I just don't have $ .
to throw away.

Oh, well how about the
all-night showing

Of "w*r and Peace"
at the art theater?

That's only $ . .

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, no, this is the
eight hour version--

The original one in Russian.

That is not a plus.

Look, I’m sorry, I’m going back
to the apartment.

Oh, but Chrissy’s mother's going
to be in the spare bed.

It is not the spare bed, it is
my bed and I’m going back.

I'm going to undress, I’m going
to climb into my bed,

And if anybody else is in there,
that's her problem.

Oh.

And you're not
stopping me either.

[ Laughter ]

Give me the screwdriver.
[ Laughter ]

Which mother are you?

I'm Chrissy’s mother.
I'm sleeping here tonight.

On the couch.

No, in Eleanor’s old room.

[ Laughter ]

Really? Well, I guess
you'll be safe enough.

[ Laughter ]

I'm sure I will.

Wouldn't catch me
sleeping in there.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I should hope not.

Me? I'm a decent, normal man.

I'm glad to hear it.

Would you like
some hot milk?

You got anything stronger,
like cocoa?

I'll see.

It's my favorite drink
before going to bed.

Really helps you sleep.
That's a medically proven fact.

I believe you.

My wife doesn't.

[ Laughter ]

You know what she tried to give
me one night at bedtime?

Wheaties.
[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I mean, what did she expect me
to do, hit a homerun?

[ Laughter ]

Wait, I’ve got
an idea.

I want my own bed.

You haven't even
heard it yet.

I want my own bed.

He could sleep
in our room.

I wa--On the other hand, I don't
want to be unreasonable.

[ Laughter ]

We could sneak him in.

My mother won't even
know he's there.

Him in the same room
with us?

And you in the same room
with him?

Look, I will be on my
best behavior, honest.

Is the bed big enough
for the three of us?

[ Laughter ]

Okay, she's asleep, come on.

The door.

[ Hiccup ]

Oh!

I'm sorry, it's those four
glasses of (hiccup) beer.

Ssh! Come on!

[ Hiccup ]

I'm sorry, if I can just get to
the kitchen for a moment

I've got a sure-fire method
for curing this.

I don't want you
to leave this room.

Anything you say.

This is your bed,
big time.

That's what I figured.

[ Laughter ]

You can't sit there
while we get undressed.

Oh, I’m sorry.

Will the view be better
if I stand? (Hiccups)

[ Laughter ]

Go cure your hiccups.

What ever happened
to the sexual revolution?

Your side lost.
[ Laughter ]

[ Thunder ]

[ Hiccup ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Heavy breathing ]

Chrissy?

[ Laughter ]

Messy, messy!

[ Hiccup ]

[ Laughter/applause ]

[ Hiccup ]

Will you get in here
and quit playing games?

I'm cured--My hiccups
are gone.

Good, go to sleep.

(Jack) right.

[ Banging noise ]

What's that?

It's not me, I never moved.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, it's that window
in the living room.

Jack, would you mind closing it?

Suppose her mother sees me?

I'll do it.

Turn around.

[ Laughter ]

That's a lovely mole
you've got on your thigh.

[ Laughter ]

Watch him.
He's tricky.

[ Laughter ]

Boy, in that nightie
she's really something.

I mean, everywhere you look
at her, she's a girl.

[ Laughter ]

What am I, a gorilla?

You're very bright.

Ah, more like a chimp.
[ Laughter ]

No, Janet, I think
you're very cute.

I can't budge the window
and it's raining.

No, no, no, no, this is a job
for the man of the house.

I shall return, meanwhile, make
yourselves beautiful for me.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, of all the vain,
arrogant, egotistical--

He's kind of nice, though.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

Chrissy, is that you?

[ Laughter ]

[ Thunder ]

Oh, dear!

[ Laughter ]

[ Banging on window ]

Chrissy! Chrissy!

What's the matter?

There's someone out there.

That's impossible.

[ Banging on window ]

Did you hear that?

No.

[ Banging on door ]

I didn't hear that, either.

[ Banging on door ]

I've had it.

I don't care whose
mother--

Don't blow it for Chrissy.

Oh, hi, hi, come on in.

Hi, what a surprise.

Oh, this is Chrissy’s mother.

How do you do?

I was just passing by
and I thought I’d knock.

[ Laughter ]

Why?

Why?

Oh, well, there's an all-night
showing of "w*r and Peace"

Down at the art theater
and I thought

Maybe I’d invite the girls
to come along with me,

But silly me, I can see
they're ready for bed,

So I’ll just mosey on my way.

Good night.

Good night.

Wait, you're not
wearing any shoes.

It's against his religion.
[ Laughter ]

That is just like Jack--
Anything to be different.

Good night, Jack.

Good night.

Jack, you wouldn't be
Jack Tripper?

Do you want me to be?
[ Laughter ]

Chrissy, is this
the young man

Who's sharing the
apartment with you?

Well, I--I--I

Mr. Roper told me
all about him.

I thought he must be away since
you let me have his room.

No mother, it's not
as bad as it looks.

Yes dear, I know.
It's all right.

[ Laughter ]

You mean that
you don't mind?

Mind? I'm delighted!

With all the terrible things
that go on in this town,

It's such a relief to know that
you have a man to protect you.

Oh.

Or in this case,
someone like Jack.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I promise you, I’ll never
let them out of my sight.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, thanks, Jack.
I know I can trust you.

[ Laughter ]

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, mom.

Good night.

Well, you've got to get
out of those clothes.

I thought you'd never ask.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, now he can sleep
on the sofa.

Good night, Jack.

Good night, Janet.

Good night, Jack.

Good night, Chrissy.

Good night, John boy.

[ Laughter/applause ]

[ Music ]