01x06 - It's Only Money

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[ MUSIC ]

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS
AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE
IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

Hi.

Anything for me?

Oh, it's you.

Where you'd spring from?

I've been walking behind you
since you got off the bus.

Why didn't you say something?

I was enjoying the view
from the rear.

[ Laughter ]

That's not my best feature.

You've never seen it
walking up the stairs.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, I know there's
not a lot of you,

But you move it
around nicely.

What are you,
some kind of sex maniac?

Well, if you're going
to be any kind of maniac,

That's the kind to be.

[ Laughter ]

Don't you ever think
of anything else?

Yeah, like right now
I’m thinking,

How come I opened
the front door without a key?

Maybe Chrissy’s home.

Chrissy?

Chrissy?

Maybe she's taking a shower.

You're right.
I'll go look.

Hold it.

I don't hear any water running.

I'll go look anyway.

Maybe she's taking a bath.

Now, will you stop
kidding around?

Which one of us was the last to
leave the house this morning?

That's hard to say, you and
Chrissy left before I did.

[ Laughter ]

Did you forget
to lock the door?

Un-unh.

Burglars?

Jack.

There's been a lot
of break-ins around here lately.

You're right.

That young couple next door,
they've been ripped off twice.

You mean Horace and Mike?

[ Laughter ]

Burglars don't care
about your sex life.

Pictures, plants, lamp, uh, well
nothing seems to be missing.

Jack.

Nothing seems to be missing,
Janet, so you have nothing

to worry about.

Unless the burglars
are still here.

You had to find something
to worry about.

[ Laughter ]

Maybe they're hiding.

Hmm?

You--You want to go
and look in the bedroom?

Why disturb them?

[ Laughter ]

All right.

If you're chicken, I’ll go.

No, you stay where
you are.

After all, who's
the man around here?

My luck.

Right.

Charlie, Bill, you stay outside,
careful with those shot g*ns.

Fred?

Yes, sir!

Fred, listen carefully, take
the muzzle off of the Doberman.

That's it.

[ Laughter ]

I'll go in first,
if they have any sense,

They'll make a run for it.

[ Barking noises ]

[ Laughter ]

There's nobody in there.

Oh, what about your room?

Hmm?

Your room?

Oh, my god, what a mess.

[ Laughter ]

Somebody broke in.

No, that's just the way
I left it.

[ Laughter ]

There's just one more place.

Huh?

Bathroom.

Bathroom?

Yeah.

No, that's clean.

[Laughter]

Wait a minute,
where's the radio?

It's right over here
on this empty shelf.

No, oh, no, no, no.

We're out $ .

Oh, Janet, that's ridiculous.

That little radio
couldn't be worth $ .

But underneath that little
radio was an envelope

With our rent money
in it--$ cash.

What?

Yeah, let's call the police.

Now, wait, wait, don't panic.

Let's check first.

Maybe it slid down
or fell under something.

Okay.

Let's move the plants.

You see anything?

No.

Oh.

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughter ]

You scared me half to death.

Jack?

Oh, that's okay, I had to go to
the bathroom anyway.

[ Laughter ]

What is going on?

Oh, Chrissy.

Chrissy.

Now, I want you to think
very carefully.

What about?

This morning--

Yeah.

--Before you left for work--

Yeah.

--Did you touch
the rent money?

Yeah, when I took
the radio.

You took the radio?

Yeah, I took it to be repaired.

Oh, boy, you took it
to be repaired.

We were just about
to call the police.

Oh.

What did you do
with the rent money?

Oh, I just left it over there
on that--empty shelf.

Call the police.

[ Laughter ]

The hair is really
getting thin back here.

You know, it's funny,
when you get to be my age,

That's always
the first thing to go.

[ Laughter ]

Not in your case, Stanley.

[ Laughter ]

Look.

Look, aren't those pretty?

Gorgeous.

Are you peeping at
that blonde again?

[ Laughter ]

What blonde?

The blonde you're
always peeping at?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

The one in .

.

[ Laughter ]

I got news for you, Stanley,
you've got competition.

We had a peeping tom
the other night.

You're making that up.

No, I’m not.

I saw him plain as anything.

He was looking in our bedroom
window and yawning.

[ Laughter ]

You must have been
getting undressed.

[ Laughter ]

Where'd you get those?

Oh, Chrissy gave them to me,

Aren't they beautiful?

Yeah, almost as good
as mine.

They are yours;
she got them from your garden.

[ Laughter ]

She what?

Now, don't get mad, Stanley.

It's the thought that counts.

You know, I think we ought
to do something for those kids

In return, like, uh, well,
take them out to dinner.

Take them out
to dinner--What for?

Well, just to be neighborly.

I don't want to be
neighborly.

If they would move out,
I could rent that apartment

For a lot more money.

Aw, come on, Stanley.

It--It'd be fun.

Please.

Careful, you're using up
my hair there.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, come on, Stanley,
just a little something

To give them pleasure.

You were young once.

Do you remember
the little things

That used to give you pleasure?

[ Laughter ]

Watching the Wright brothers
fly for the first time?

[ Laughter ]

Aw, come on, Stanley.

Come on.

All right.
I'll invite them
out to dinner.

It'll give me a rest
from your cooking.

Good. Okay.

You go and invite them, and
I’ll look for something to wear.

Oh, are you coming too?

[ Laughter ]

$ and we're wiped out.

Do you realize how long
it takes me to save $ ?

How long?

I don't know.

I'm still saving.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, boy, do I know
what you mean, Chrissy.

Well, I can just cry.

No, Chrissy,
crying won't help anything.

What we've got to do is raise
the $ for this month's rent.

That was last month's rent.

We're already a month behind.

Well, we've got
to raise the money somehow.

Maybe we can
sell something.

I've only got one thing
worth selling

And I was hoping to save that
until I got married.

[ Laughter ]

My grandmother's wedding ring.

[ Laughter ]

Maybe--Maybe we should
just tell Roper.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Yeah, any reasonable man
would understand.

Oh, you're right,
we can't tell Roper.

[ Laughter ]

Tripper, Jack Tripper?

Yeah.

Oh, yes, that's me, officer.

I'm the one who phoned in
about the stolen money.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
officer, there are no signs

of forcible entry.

You know, we don't know how
those burglars got in here.

Well, this key might
give us a clue.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, we keep that out
there for our own use.

No one else
is supposed to use it.

[ Laughter ]

Is there anything else missing?

Yes, sir, a transistor radio,
black with a silver dial,

The volume knob is missing.

No, you're forgetting,
I took that to be repaired.

Which Chrissy
took to be repaired,

So it's not missing, sir.

[ Laughter ]

Tell me, are you in the habit
of leaving $ in cash

Lying around?

We're not in the habit
of having $ .

[ Laughter ]

That was our rent money.

You see, every week we collect
some money for the pot.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, I mean the kitty.

[ Laughter ]

And you, uh, kept this cash
hanging around loose?

Of course not.

It wasn't loose.

It was in a big white
envelope with the word "rent"

Printed on it.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, this, uh, $ , do you have
the numbers of the notes?

Yes.

Two of them were fifties,
fifteen of them were tens.

[ Laughter ]

And there was nothing
else missing?

Well, not exactly missing,
but there are always things

We can't find, small things,
you know, like lipstick or--

You can't find
your lipstick?

[ Laughter ]

No, uh, Janet
or Chrissy’s or my odd socks.

I mean those items are not
exactly missing,

They're just lost.

I mean they're always
here somewhere

But you can't find them,
but that's not quite

What you're talking
about is it?

[ Laughter ]

They didn't take
the television set.

I wonder why they
didn't take the TV.

Have you seen
some of these new shows?

[ Laughter ]

Look, officer,
we are really in a bind here.

You see, if we tell our landlord
that we can't pay the rent,

He won't believe us.

But if you tell him
that the money was stolen,

He'll believe it.

What a super idea, Janet.

Thank you.

You want me to tell the landlord
that the rent money is stolen?

Please?

How many times have you
pulled this stunt?

What stunt?

Oh, come on, son, you're not
dealing with a rookie.

Next time you want to fake
a burglary, make it look real.

Fake?

Break up a few things,
get rid of the TV,

And think up a better story
than leaving $ lying around

In an envelope marked "rent."

Nobody's that stupid.

We are.

[ Laughter ]

You know, you're lucky
I don't run you all in.

Hey, wait a minute.

Yes, sir?

Thank you for not running
us all in, officer.

[ Laughter ]

He didn't even read us
our rights.

[ Laughter ]

What time is it?

Six o'clock.

Oh, that means Roper
will be here any minute

To collect the rent.

Oh, he warned us last month
if we don't have

That money today--

Oh, he won't really
throw us out.

Oh.

Are you kidding?

[ Doorbell ringing ]

He would enjoy
throwing us out.

Oh, god

What are we going to do?

All right.

We're going to buy the only
thing we can afford: Time.

We'll go down to the pub
and hide out.

Why it's Mr. Roper.

Look at Mr. Roper.

It's Mr. Roper.

Hi.

Hi. How you doing there?

I'm fine, thank you.

I just came here to tell you--

Mr. Roper, would you like to
step inside for just a moment?

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Like I was saying,
I told the wife, you know,

They're really not bad kids,
why don't we invite them

To dinner tonight?

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Are you still sulking about
those kids walking out on you?

I don't want to talk about it.

We discussed it enough
last night.

You mean I discussed it.

You fell asleep
right in the middle.

[ Laughter ]

I did not fall asleep.

You did too.

You fall asleep
in the middle of everything.

[ Laughter ]

You know, I don't know
how you do it, Helen.

Do what?

You've only been up a half
an hour but your tongue

Has already put in
an eight hour shift.

[ Laughter ]

Why'd they run away
from me like that?

You know, maybe there's
something about you

That I’ve grown used to
that other people still notice.

[ Laughter ]

Your tongue just
went into overtime.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you know, Stanley,
you shouldn't blame the kids.

It was probably just a
misunderstanding.

Not on my part.

You're right, dear.

I am?

[ Laughter ]

Yes.

So why don't you go up there
again tonight and ask them

out to dinner?

After what they did to me, no,
I’m not taking them any place.

Why should I?

For me.

You've got to give me
a better reason.

[ Laughter ]

All right, I will.

Now, I have a lot of things
I was going to do today.

I was going to go shopping.

I was going to go
to the beauty parlor.

I was going to have a walk
on the beach, but I’m giving

That all up so I can stay
home with you and talk.

[ Laughter ]

And talk, and talk--

Helen.

While you're reading
your newspaper,

While you're watching the TV,
while you're taking your nap.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Stanley.

You're not welcome.

[ Laughter ]

What are we going to do
about the rent?

We can't go on avoiding
Roper forever.

What about that boss of yours,
that one who's always

Chasing you around,
you think you could get

An advance out of him?

Only if I let him catch me.

[ Laughter ]

Where's Jack?

He's in the bathroom.

Still?

And they talk about women.

You know, he stays in that
bathroom twice as long as we do.

Well, he has to shave.

We have to put on our makeup.

And he likes to read in there.

Oh.

He says it kills two birds
with one stone.

[ Laughter ]

Good morning.

[ Laughter ]

How you doing?

Oh, gee.

Do you have to walk around
the house in your underwear?

This is not underwear,
it's my bathing suit.

I ran out of clean shorts.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, well, in that case
it's all right.

Why wasn't it all right before?

Because before I thought
it was your underwear.

Yeah, but it's still
the same shorts.

You can't tell the difference.

I can.

How?

Because your underpants
have giraffes on them.

[ Laughter ]

You don't catch us
walking around the apartment

In our underwear.

You've been too quick for me.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, don't you have any friends
who can loan us some money?

The guys I know
don't have that kind of dough,

Except Charlie; he suddenly came
into a lot of money.

Well, call him.

I can't, he's in jail.

[ Laughter ]

You're a big help.

Well, how about you two,
you should be able to raise

Some money.

Hey, why don't we have
a garage sale?

We don't have a garage.

We could rent one.

With what?

With the money we make
from the sale, dummy?

[ Laughter ]

How about you, Janet,
can you get a loan?

Oh, forget it.

I always have trouble
getting loans,

Even though I go in there with
ten impeccable references.

What's the trouble?

They always check them out.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I guess no loans.

Loans.

Yes, loans.

No, no loans, yes loans.

Yes, loans is the key.

He's really flipped out.

Should I call a doctor
or get a net?

Why didn't I think
of that before?

I'm such an idiot.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

That's the answer;
there is a financial aid

department at my school.

They give loans
to students in need.

Fantastic.

They have to make up
a really sad story.

Well, you've got one.

Hum?

You were robbed, weren't you?

Yeah.

And if you don't pay the rent,
they're going to throw you out

In the street.

Yeah.

And just to clinch it,
tell them you've got

Two weak girls depending on you.

Yeah.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Can I tell them you're pregnant?

Get out of here.

Now, there's just
a few questions.

Uh, what did you want
this money for?

Well, the rent money was stolen,
our apartment was burgled,

They just smashed right in.

Dear, dear. You know, sometimes
I think it would be better

just to leave
the front door open.

We'd probably be safer that way.

I mean, burglars would think
it was a trick and not come in.

[ Laughter ]

There's one thing I’d like
to mention, Mr. Travis,

I don't have any collateral.

Jack, as a student here
all you have to prove is need.

Oh, we need, we need.

That's good enough for me.

Oh, now, you said we,
does that mean

You share the apartment?

With a couple of roommates
who don't have any money either

And since it's harder for a
woman to get a loan then a man,

I decided it was up to me,
so here I am.

You're living with a woman?

Oh, um, yeah, but that won't
hurt my application, will it?

Jack, Jack, this is the ' s,
for heaven's sake.

I mean, this is a college,
not a monastery.

A loan approval
doesn't depend on how you

conduct your private life.

Oh, good.

She doesn't happen to be
a student too?

Oh, no, she's a typist.

Oh.

Yes, uh, well, that's all right.

Now, uh, what does your
other roommate do?

Oh, uh, she works
in a flower shop.

[ Laughter ]

I really appreciate this,
Mr. Travis.

You live with two girls?

You know, what's so nice
is that you seem to have

A terrific understanding
of my problems.

It's a real load off my mind,
believe me.

Two girls?

[ Laughter ]

That's right.

Well, now, uh, well, uh,
how long did you want

To take to pay this off,
I mean, six, twelve,

Eighteen months?

Oh, may as well go for
the eighteen, huh?

May as well.

[ Laughter ]

You live with two girls?

[ Laughter ]

You'd like them.

They're lovely, hard working.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, now--

[ Laughter ]

$ , are you sure
this is going to be enough?

[ Laughter ]

I don't believe in biting
off more than I can chew.

[ Laughter ]

You don't?

Let's see.

I figure, what, $ .

If I can save $ a--

Two girls?

[ Laughter ]

Mr. Travis, I really don't want
that to bother you.

I promise I’ll pay back
the loan.

I know I work a six hour school
day and I have to study

All night, but I also find time
to pick up part-time jobs.

When? When?

[ Laughter ]

What can I tell you,
I almost had the money

right in my hand
and then Mr. Travis asked me

About my father
and that ruined it.

Are you illegitimate?

[ Laughter ]

No.

He wanted to know how much
my father made for a living.

Oh, oh, I see.

So he could be sure
you'd pay the loan back.

No, so he could be sure
I couldn't.

I don't get it.

Neither did I.

You see, my father earns
over $ , a year,

Which means I am not
a hardship case.

How about that?

If my father were
poor and starving,

We'd all be sitting pretty.

[ Laughter ]

What a lousy break.

What are we going to do now?

I've got a thought.

We mustn't despair.

Well, what's your thought?

That's it,
we mustn't despair.

[ Laughter ]

[ Doorbell ringing ]

We don't need philosophy, Jack,
we need money.

It's the Ropers.

I'm taking a shower.

That'll keep him out
for the night, huh?

[ Laughter ]

Are you kidding?

Keep him out?

He'll be back as soon
as he figures it out.

It's the pub for us again.

Grab your coats
and let's get out of here.

Okay.

How'd they get away
this time?

Hold it.

Hold it.

Come back here.

This time nobody's leaving.

Helen, lock that door.

Come on, Kojak, why don't you
just tell them why you came.

Look, we can explain.

I don't want any explanation.

I just want yes or no.

All right, no,
with an explanation.

No?

You mean you don't want to have
dinner with us?

What?

He's trying to invite
you out to dinner tonight?

Is that all?

Well, maybe we can go
bowling afterwards.

[ Laughter ]

We accept
and thank you very much.

My pleasure.

My idea.

My money.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, wow, and here all along
we thought you were coming up

To collect the rent.

[ Laughter ]

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You say something
about the rent?

I don't remember.

[ Laughter ]

Because you already paid it.

No, Mr. Roper, she didn't--
We did?

Yeah, you remember I came up to
fix the sink yesterday?

There was an envelope
that said rent on it,

So naturally I took it.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, we thought we'd been robbed.

We had the police here
and everything.

Why didn't you leave us
a receipt?

A receipt.

I always--Do you think
I would take something

Without leaving the receipt?

Look here's my receipt book
right here.

See, here's my copy
and there's your copy.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks.

[ Laughter ]

We all make mistakes.

Don't put yourself down,
Stanley;

You do it better than anyone.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Let's go eat.

I'm starved.

Oh, me too.

Helen, I’ll take care
of you later.

Promises, promises.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

[ Music ]

THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.