02x22 - My Tutor, Tutor

[bunniefuu]

Into thin air, send this chair.

[whirring]

Hmmm. This doesn't seem right.

Help! Somebody help!

Max? Max?

Du... Where are you?

[Max] I'm right here.

I was trying to make Dad's
chair disappear and...

Well, you can figure out the rest.

Yeah, and I figure...
you're holding the wand backwards.

[Max] No, well... Oh,
maybe a little.

Into thin air, send this chair.

[whirring]

I hope you know how to
get Dad's chair back.

Of course I don't.

Justin, I'm starting
to think Dad's right.

If I'm gonna have any chance of
winning this wizard competition,

I'm gonna need a tutor.

Dad's hiring you a wizard tutor?

The best tutor around is right here.
That's an insult to me.

I tutor tutors!

[door opens]

I heard yelling.

Is Justin being passionate
about knowledge again?

Max?

- Yep.
- Yeah.

Guess what? Dad's hiring
a wizard tutor for Max.

Wait, if Dad got Max a tutor,

that means I'm probably next.

Why am I saying,
"probably"? I'm next. Oh...

Yep, just be yourself.
That always gets rid of people.

[fake laugh] You're so funny!

Guys, I think my tutor's here.
I hope it's a wise old owl.

[roaring]

Hi.

Aw. You're not an old owl,
just a cute blonde chick.

Get rid of her.

I'm Tutor Hatchback.
I'm here to tutor Max Russo.

And something tells me you're him.

Yeah, that something's right.
That's him right there. Uh-huh.

And that's uh... That's uh...

That's Alex, right over there.
And... I'm...

I'm... I'm...

Am I supposed to tutor him, too?

Him? No. In fact, your services
aren't really needed here at all

because my brother has a
vast knowledge of wizardry

that may shame you into leaving
here in disgrace, right, Justin?

Justin?!

We are so honored to have you
here to tutor our dear brother.

If there is anything
that you need, just ask.

? Is that u t is a pretty face?

[scoffs] Guys are so easy.

Yeah, we're pretty easy. [chuckles]

♪ Well you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no
doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not... ♪

You'll be surprised how many
kids hold their wands backwards.

I'm sorry, Max.

You're holding your wand right,
but don't grip it so tight.

You're not Judy Axe-Hand.

Whoa. You...
You read Judy Axe-Hand?

That's like the best wizard
comic book out there.

Yeah. By "best" do you mean the
one that's not totally lame?

Yes! I have the whole series.

- I'll go get them. Hang on.
- OK.

I like you.
Hope you don't wreck it.

Hey, tutor. I, uh...

I brought you some of my personal
study aids to help you with Max.

Get out of here. I'm starting
a friendship thing here.

Friendship? Not if I make
her my girlfriend first.

[both groan]

Oh, my gosh!

You have My First Spell-Caster,
a set of training wands,

and even Merlin Flash Cards.

[whirring]

[both] Ooh.

And... Oh, OK.

I used to play with
those when I was a kid.

But you were using them last night.

Zip it.

So, uh, Tutor, um, do you ever,

I don't know, tutor people
on asking anyone out?

Well, who do you wanna ask out?

Uh, well, I... You.

You don't need a tutor.
You're doing just fine.

Um, have you ever been to The
Leprechaun Grill in the wizard world?

No. I love leprechauns,
but they make me nervous.

I try to avoid
situations that emphasize

my... awkwardness.

I'm sure you'll fit in just fine.

That's what my mom says every
day before I go to school.

[chuckles] Thank you.

So, she's a tutor named Tutor?
Isn't that weird?

Well, no, not in the
wizard world, at least.

A lot of people name their kids what
they want them to grow up to be.

But sometimes it doesn't work out.

My dad goes to a doctor
named Butcher. Anyway...

Tutor is great. She's into
all the same things I'm into.

Well, so am I.

I don't want to sound as
insecure as I really am,

but you're not trying to replace
me with that Tutor chick, are you?

Harper...

...you're wearing a dress
made of fruit roll snacks.

No one could ever replace you.
Believe me.

[sighs] Good, because I may
not be your wizard friend,

but I'm definitely
your best friend.

Got a problem with that!?

No.

Hey, Alex. There you go. Thank you.

Since your father is out of town,
he won't know if we close up early.

How about I treat you gu to
makeovers at the department store?

Makeovers?

Where stuck-up girls
make snooty faces at us,

while they pluck our
eyebrows until we scream,

and then tell us, "You'd be pretty
if you took care of your skin"? Pass.

This is not what I imagined
having a girl would be like.

So you think it'd be OK if I brought
my shillelagh to The Leprechaun Grill?

Where else would you take it?

Mom, this is Max's tutor.

Guess what? We're going
to The Leprechaun Grill.

Hi, I'm Theresa.

I'd ask you to come with us to get
makeovers, but you're already so beautiful.

Way to boost our
self-esteem up, Mom.

Oooh. I'd love to go.

Really? Oh, great. I'll go get
my purse. Justin, close up.

I'm disappointed in you, Tutor. I thought
we were on a nice road to friendship until
now.

Oh, Alex, I'm sorry.

I thought you might enjoy making fun of the
face-dance Sallys who work behind the
makeup counter.

Oh, my gosh! I totally
call them that too!

We're so back on the
road to friendship.

- This is The Leprechaun Grill?
- Yeah.

By the way, I love your green tuxedo,
Justin. The shillelagh really makes it.

Thanks.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I mean,
I'm glad to be here with you.

It's just I thought there'd be real
leprechauns running around here.

This is... Look, these workers
are just dressed as leprechauns.

Yeah, but I heard they train their
workers to act just like leprechauns.

What the hay.

[bored voice] Sure and Begorrah,
welcome to The Leprechaun Grill.

Would you like to try our new
Pot-'O-Gold Mini Tostadas?

Mini Tostadas?

Is there anything here
that's genuine leprechaun?

There's a leprechaun
in a box over there.

Whatcha be lookin' at?!

[whispering] Why is he in there?

Corporate makes us have a leprechaun
to make the place look real.

Plus, that one's a little grouchy
so we have to keep him in that box.

So, you gonna order something?

Hey, guys. Wow.

Only you could make a green tuxedo
stand out in a leprechaun joint.

What are you doing here, Alex?

I came to bring you your wallet.

I didn't forget my wallet.
I have mine right here.

Then good thing I made you check.

Hey, Tutor.

How fun was it telling that make-over
girl she had to put a bag over her head

because she was too beautiful?

And she did it!

It's official:
Make-over girls are dumb.

[all laugh]

Guess what? There's troll wrestling
at the Wizardome. Wanna go?

Sure.

Alex, we're on a date.

Oh, relax, Justin. Wrestling
doesn't start for another hour.

You can finish your date while I
poke that leprechaun with your stick.

[growling]

That's a lot of anger
in a tiny body.

A bully hippogriff is
riding off with your bike.

What do you do to stop him?

Archery and plumbing is the way

to keep that thief
from getting away.

Yay! Excellent! Good job!

I caught a hippogriff.

Stop messing around, dude.
Tutor's trying to help you.

Actually, that was part of a practice quiz.
Max is doing pretty well.

Oh, yeah. I'm doing pretty well.

- At what?
- [door opens]

Hey, Tutor. Wanna go
to the wizard mall

and watch cyclopses
try on sunglasses?

First of all,
it's not "cyclopses-es-es."

It's just cyclops.

Who cares?

And second, I was gonna ask Tutor
to do something with me first.

Oh, OK. Let's go, Tutor.

Sorry, I can't go with
either of you. - Oh, come on.

I've got to finish
tutoring Max for this test

so I can move on
to my next student.

[both] You're gonna leave?

Yep.

Well, yeah, but we
can still be friends

and do stuff together, right?

No. The Wizard Council
has a strict policy

about tutors hanging around
after their work is done.

Anyway, if you guys don't mind,
we've got to get back to studying.

Studying. That's what we're doing.

Yes!

She can't leave.

She's the first wizard girl I've
ever met who's actually normal.

Most wizard girls are all like,
"Hee hee hee, I'm a wizard!

Wizard girls don't talk like that.

In my mind they do.

You didn't have a chance with
her anyway, 'cause you're all,

[in deep voice] "I'm Alex.
I'm so tough I don't need to be nice."

I don't talk like that.

In my mind you do.

It doesn't matter anyway.
Max ruined it for us.

I can't believe the kid
picks now to start learning.

Well, you know,
the test isn't until tomorrow,

Maybe we can find a couple of
tutors to help him unlearn.

Where are we going to find a
couple of tutors at this late hour?

I know. Let me call someone.

[sighs]

[dialing]

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

He... Oh!

- Us.
- Yes.

When in doubt, inside out.

I did it. [chuckles] I'm going
to ace Tutor's wand quiz.

[door opens]

What did you do?

Oh, I released the sand
from that defective bottle.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some rest and
turn in early. Goodnight, guys.

Yep, turn in early.
First sign of a quitter.

What? I've studied hard,
I've read all my spell workbooks

and practiced my wand-eye
coordination. Oh...

Ha! The real key to acing
a test is not any of that.

It isn't?

It isn't. No.

Let me give you some
of my secret wand tips.

For example, you should choke up
on your wand for better control.

And the value of sleep is a myth.

You need to stay awake and let your brain
soak up all the studying you've done.

And the best way to do
that is to chill out

and watch the all-night
Unicorn att*ck marathon

on the Wizcovery Channel.

[man on TV] We don't know
who was more surprised,

the unicorn or our cameraman.

[cameraman on TV grunts]

I know what you guys
are trying to do.

- I knew it wouldn't work.
- Hold on.

What do you think we're
trying to do, Max?

You guys... are trying
to help me pass the quiz.

See? False alarm. [chuckles]

OK.

You didn't get that one,
but let's try this one.

Water to stardust.

Wait.

OK, go.

- Stardust!
- [whirring]

[Max] Oh!

- Aw, man.
- [door opens]

What was that noise?

We were just outside talking about how
great Max must be doing on his quiz.

I don't... I don't understand.
He was making great progress.

What happened, Max? - I don't know.
Alex and Justin even helped me...

- Not really.
- [chuckles]

Well, unfortunately
he failed the quiz.

- What a shame.
- Oh, that's such... Oh, man.

I guess I can't leave yet.

Awesome! Tutor.

What's your record for sneaking into
the movies in one day? Mine's five.

Tutor, the Ancient Robe and
Hat exhibit just opened up

at the Wiz-sonian Institute.
You want to go with me to the museum?

Being with you is like being at a museum.
Not much to look at, and you're instantly
bored.

[Justin] Yeah.

Why don't you guys go.
I'm gonna think of something better.

[sighs]

[sighs loudly]

Max, why are you sighing?

I'm not. I'm just
taking a deep breath,

because I'm disappointed and sad.

Oh, honey, what's wrong?

Mom, I failed the wand quiz.

Oh. I'm sorry.

What happened?

I don't know. Alex and
Justin even helped me study.

Alex helped you study, huh?

Yeah, they showed me a
new way to hold my wand

and they helped me relax
by watching TV all night.

One question, honey.

How did Justin and Alex react
when you failed the quiz?

Happy. Then sad.

Tutor said she had to stay.
Then happy again.

Max, your brother and sister

tricked you into failing the quiz

just so Tutor wouldn't
have to leave yet.

They used me?

Yes, they did!

As your mother, I have to tell you

that taking revenge on
your brother and sister

is not something I wanna hear.

I didn't say revenge.

I know. I know you didn't say it.

I'm just saying if you said it,
I don't wanna hear it.

If only there was a way
to get back at them.

Oh, getting back at them.
That would be just fine.

[both laugh]

I can't believe it.
We snuck into seven movies.

Yeah, we had a blast. Tutor,
you know, you're a great friend.

You are, too. I'm sorry that soon Max won't
need me anymore. Then I'll have to leave.

Oh, I'm not too worried about that.

Psst! Hey!

Oh, hey, it's Cranky O'Shorty.

I'm famished.
I've been working all day.

Can you spare some of those spuds?

You mean one of these?

[chuckles] Nope.

Hey! Give it here!

Tutor, I got us the tickets to
the Wiz-sonian. There you go.

Too late. She already said
she wanted to be my friend.

You did?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you and I can't go out, too.

[Justin and Alex groan]

Um, look, Tutor, being my friend

and also his girlfriend
isn't gonna work for us.

We try to keep our
lives very separate.

Yeah. We find it's better
for everyone that way.

- Mostly me.
- [door opens]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my brother and sister with
their favorite person in the world,

my tutor, Tutor.

Max, are you angry about something?

Yes, I am. Let me tell you
what that something is.

Your new best friend and boyfriend

messed me up on purpose so
that I would fail the test

and you wouldn't have to leave.

Max, Max, Max, listen to yourself.

Your loving brother and sister

conspiring against you
and your wizard training

just for their own selfish reasons?

Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

Well, yeah, I guess it does.

I'm sorry I accused you guys.

[groans] We did it!

What are you doing? I had it sold!

Living with that lie was giving
me stress-related symptoms.

OK, I can't believe it.
You back-stabbed your little brother?

Alex and I were blinded.
We wanted her all to ourselves.

We're sorry. Would you forgive us?

OK, but I've got to
get back at you first

'cause I kind of promised Mom.

What?

Yeah. And I think I'll use
something Tutor taught me.

When in doubt, inside out.

Blarney, I'm out! Thank you, lad.

Now, I can turn me wrath
on that evil lass.

[chuckles] Uh, how about
those spuds you wanted?

In fact, you can have them all.

Nah. Me thinks I'll
bite something else.

[growling]

You! [screams]

[both scream]

Ooh! Ouch! Ouch.
OK, easy. Sensitive.

I hate leprechauns.

And I hate what you
guys did to Max.

He has a lot of talent
but he can't focus it

because of all the
dysfunction in this family.

What do you mean?

We're not that dysfunctional.

Oh, no?

OK, you sabotaged
your little brother

and then your mother told
him to get back at you.

In all my years of tutoring I have
never seen anything like this.

Well, then I, uh...

...I guess this is goodbye.

I just feel like I'm
gonna miss you. - Me, too.

Of course you are. I'm part elf.

You are?

Yeah. I thought you knew that.