03x03 - Monster Hunter

[bunniefuu]

Okay. What I'm about to attempt
is the very advanced,

not for everyone, don't try this at home...
...Thin Man spell.

Great. It's a spell that will
make Justin thin and a man.

A man...

Sorry.

I'm just happy someone made a weight joke

and it wasn't about me.

OK. Here we go.

HaHair frizzy, don't
have a tizzy, thin Lizzy.

Sweet!

Is this a part of the spell?

No, it's not. Hello, Russos.

I hope you remember me,
because I bothered to remember you.

I am here to congratulate Justin Russo.

He just mastered his th spell,

marking end to his wizard studies.

Go ahead. Celebrate. Let it all out.

I did it. I'm done.

Now put it back in,

because I have more of
these I have to do today.

I can't believe you're done.

It feels like just yesterday you
were turning a brick into a rabbit.

Edgebono-utoosis.

Oh!

Sir, sir?

How many spells have I
successfully completed?

Oh, we don't like to keep track of numbers.

Two hundred. Give or take a hundred.

So, a hundred.

Yes!

So then, I guess this party is for me, too.

I'm so proud of you, Justin.

You know, go get a piece of pie,
any pie you want,

from the pie fridge.

- You earned it, son.
- Awesome.

I've completed my entire wizard studies

and I'm getting a slice of pie.

Hold on a second.

With the completion of
your basic wizard studies,

you now move on to the next
step in becoming a wizard.

- Independent study.
- Ooh!

Nice going, Justin.

You finished school just to
be rewarded with more school.

Mr. Stuffleby, what sort of independent
study did you have in mind?

I could go on and on and on but, frankly,

my lips are getting a bit tired.

But off the record, they're so far behind,

you might as well be
competing with that chair.

Whoops! No offense, chair.

- Now, that was a good one.
- Yeah.

It was.

Hey, this competition's not over yet.

Don't count out me and Max.

Yeah, I'm smarter than that chair.

I take its money all the time.

Take that, chair.

Well, don't count out me.

Hey.

So I decided on what independent
study course I'm gonna take.

It's a course called, "Ha, ha.
I'm b*ating you in the wizard competition."

That was a good one.

Just kidding, in all seriousness,

the course is called monster hunting.

Oh, great. Then you can round
up all your ex-girlfriends.

Oh!

Now get out of here.

I'm trying to find a way to
catch up on my wizard lessons.

Why bother? You know, if I were you,

I'd figure out ways to
look good in a hair net.

Whoo!

I am on fire.

Alex, I thk he just called
you a hairy lunch lady.

Dude, aren't you just a little worried that
Justin might b*at us in the wizard competition?

Alex, I'm worried about a lot of things.

This might be as tall as I get.

Look, what are we gonna do to b*at him?

I'm not telling you.

Harper.

- I need help with my studying.
- Ah-ha!

That's what you're doing.

I'm not doing that.

When you called and said
something about studying,

I thought you were being held against
your will and forced to say crazy stuff.

No, no. I really need
help on my wizard lessons,

and so I can catch up to Justin.

Catch up to Justin?

Well, then you need to change who you are.

You're gonna need to do what Justin does.

Harper, I've spent my
entire life ignoring him.

I don't know what he does.

Hey, then I can help you.

There's no bigger expert on Justin than me.

He and I used to go out just a little bit.

- No, you 't.
- Can't you go along with it?

I'm trying to help you.

Fine. OK, fi. Tell me what he does.

OK, Justin is always learning.

He's constantly quizzing himself.

For example, when you think he's texting,

he's really sending spells
to himself to memorize.

I knew he wasn't that popular.

Hey. Whatcha doing?

Studying.

OK. Right.

Yes! My monster hunting kit
came in the wizard mail.

You chose monster hunting
as your independent study?

That's fantastic.
It's so exciting and dangerous.

And, oh, gosh. I'm so proud of you.

You got a homing beacon!

Yup. They sent everything.

A monster detector, a manual
that lists all known monsters.

Oh, and some sort of illuminated
communication device.

Hello.

I think that's a flashlight, Dad.

Then why am I speaking into it?

Ooh!

Here.

They sent the monster bait.

- -
- Wow.

You know, I think you're
suppose to put that bait

on this giant key ring.

Dad, that's a sparkly, spinning hoop.

Oh...

Hey.

- Dad?
- Yes.

OK, so, according to the monster manual,

the local monster holding cells are located

at Grand Central Station.

Look how they spelled "station."

That is how you spell station, Dad.

Oh, look, wanted posters.

OK, uh... Ooh.

Look at this cute little guy.
It's a Dirksen.

He'd be an excellent first target.

Here he is. A Dirksen.

Disguises himself as a common household pet.

- Mm-hm. - When cornered, triples in size,

trapping its prey, squeezing its farts out.

Whose farts?

He's k*lling you, Justin.

Does it really matter whose
farts it is? - Well, yeah.

Um, maybe we should start
with the level one monster.

OK. OK, here we go.

A Fakeahorseus. This looks like an easy one.

A cowardly monster, good,
whose only tools for survival

are sarcasm and complaining.

You can catch that.

- I mean, you grew up with Alex.
- Yes.

You're going down, Fakeahorseus.
I'm gonna go lay some bait.

You are a lucky kid. Monster hunting.

It's adventurous and dangerous
and you're out there...

- You can't go, Dad.
- But why?!

Because you thought this was
a communication device...

...and this was a key ring.

It's just... How could you
even fit that in your pocket?

It's just not logical.

I'm gonna go get my keys.

Well, Justin'll be out
monster hunting all day,

so we'll use his room
to learn how he learns.

Check it out. He reads himself
to sleep with a spell book,

and his mp player is full of spells.

?T? Pine nuts, basil, dragon toes are h
ow you make a potion ?T?

?T? When someone drinks it they will turn
into a... ?T?

Yeah, OK, no, we're done with that.

He's even designed his room to help
him learn spells. Try the fridge.

- - To open the fridge,

recite a spell that changes hot into
cold.

- I don't know that spell.
- OK, try to turn on this lamp.

OK.

- - Here's a bright idea.

If you want the lamp to come on,

create a ball of light.

If I could create a ball of light,

I wouldn't need to turn the lamp on.

Harper, I don't know any of this.

You've got to give it a chance, Alex.

You've blown stuff off for fifteen years,

it's not gonna just change in two minutes.

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, yes. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just, can't get
that song out of my head.

?T? Pine nuts, basil, dragon toes are h
ow you make a potion ?T?

It's really annoying but... very catchy.

See, it does work.
You can't get it out of your head.

All right, Alex.

The gloves are off when it comes to
the wizard competition. I'm taking it.

Well, take it somewhere else
because I'm studying in here.

What's the use? We're not gonna win.

What we need to do is sabotage Justin.

Sabotage, huh?

What would Justin do?

Sorry, Max. You're on your own.

But if I was going to, which I'm not...

- -
- ...I'd probably start by...

Studying.

I'm sorry, Max. I can't help you.

Look at you, letting your
conscience be your guide.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well... Do what I just did.
I have a conscience,

and I'm letting it be my guide.

Whatever.

Let my conscience be my guide?
What's that supposed to mean?

Hmm.

Guide, guide, tour guide.

Ha! Here we go! Conscience guide.

Read all instructions before reciting spell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boom! My inner thoughts
of right and wrong...

...come out, come out where you belong.

- Who the heck are you?
- I'm your conscience.

Uh-oh. Maybe I didn't do that right.

So, you're my conscience?

This isn't what I meant to do.
You gotta get out of here.

Well, I wouldn't even be here if you
would have read the instructions.

Instructions are for cheaters.

You were supposed to say this
spell in front of a mirror.

Then your reflection would
become your conscience.

And I wouldn't be out here.

How come you don't look like me?

I'm what you look like to other people.

Oh, my gosh.

I guess I have to admit it now.
I don't have a mustache.

But I do like you. I'm gonna call you Roy.

Don't call me Roy. I'm not Roy.
I'm your conscience.

Listen, Roy, I need ideas on how
to sabotage my brother Justin

so he doesn't win the wizard competition.

Do you really think sabotaging
Justin is a good idea?

I just said it was.

If you want to be my servant,
you gotta do what I say.

I'm not your servant. I'm your conscience.

I help you decide right from wrong.

I know what the difference is,
I just like to choose wrong.

So, let's hear some sabotage ideas.

Look, if you're gonna do
bad stuff to your brother,

then you're no different...

...than the monsters in this book.

Hmm?

That's what we should do.

We bring all the monsters
in this manual to life.

That way Justin will never
be able to capture them

and he'll fail his independent study.

But if you did that, the city
would be overrun with monsters.

Agreed. Then that's what we'll do.

I'm trying to tell you it'll be a
lot of trouble for a lot of people.

Dude, I'm with you. We are doing it.

It's just gonna cause problems.

For Justin. It's perfect.

OK, I give up.

- Do whatever you want.
- OK.

Hot monsters in the city,
run a-wild, what a pity.

You just released the most
horrible monsters into New York.

You happy?

I think so. It feels pretty good.

"Feels pretty good.
" Well, when they come back here

and eat your face off,
I don't want to hear it.

- They're not coming back here.
- They could.

They're loose in the city.
That's what I was telling you.

Roy, you have gotta be more clear next time.

- This is totally your fault.
- Mine? You cast the spell.

Look, when something bad happens,
you blame whoever you're with.

That's how this family works.

Well, you're kind of blaming yourself.

OK, well, then let's go blame Alex.

Look, if anyone asks, your name is Darren.

I don't want them to know
who you really are. OK, Roy?

-

Excuse me, sir.

Do you have the time?

- Yeah, it's about...
- Caught ya, Fakeahorseus.

Whoop-de-doo. You caught
a level one monster.

- When's the parade?
- Come on.

Let's go.

Another monster?

Well, looks like your stable's
about to get another...

...roommate that's not so...

...stable.

Another monster?

What's going on?

Oh, my gosh. They're everywhere.

Harper?

Is everything OK?

Oh, you mean 'cause it didn't rhyme?

I'll work on that.

Alex, you are in a load of trouble.

I took your advice and let
my conscience be my guide.

- That's good.
- Here's my conscience, Gordon.

- He stinks as a guide.
- What are you talking about?

Oh, he's talking about the monsters

he released into the
city to sabotage Justin.

Monsters all over the city?

Well, I'll see you in P.E.!

Max, I can't believe you would
do something this stupid.

Alex, I think we all believe I
could do something this stupid.

We gotta go save Justin.

OK.

Max, what is that?

It's a volleyball net.
If we get a monster game

of Red Rover going, we can capture them all.

And if they're nice,
we can play some volleyball.

Get rid of it and let's go.

I'm serious, my monster detector
is lit up like a Christmas tree.

It's as if I'm surrounded by monsters,

but I don't see any.

OK, so I see them.

Quick question. -

What are they all doing here?!

I told you guys not to bring that.

Justin! -

We need a distraction

so we can get Justin out of there.

- OK, you want us to break dance?
- Oh, yeah.

Would you knock it off!

Alex, quick, use a spell!

What do I do?

- Ready?
- Here we go.

- Whoa, bring it back.
- Whoa!

I'm a little busy right now.

Hold on. Hold on. I can do this.

?T? When I need something that's far away
?T?

?T? Sprout some legs and go where I say
?T?

Leg-and-feet-a-run-a-meet-a.

Train in vain, go to Spain.

You did it!

Thank you. You saved me.

- We all did.
- No, we didn't.

- Why are you saying that?
- Why are you still here?

- Who the heck is that guy?
- That is Max's conscience.

Max was messing around with magic

and brought his conscience and
all of those monsters to life.

They totally interrupted my studying,
and I had to come down here and fix it.

Oh, my gosh. Listen to me,
I'm turning into you.

And you can't stand it, can you?

No, actually, I'm OK with it.

- You want to know why?
- Why?

Because I'm this much
closer to catching up to you

- in the wizard competition.
- Great.

I accept that challenge.

Max, what are you doing?

I'm wrestling with my conscience.

Moises, we just wanted
to say how happy we are

to have you on the show and we were
wondering if we could get a picture.

- Oh, sure. Of course.
- Oh, great, here's the camera.

Wait, you want me to
take the picture of you?

Sure, we do this with all our guest stars.
Check out the photo album.

But, this is just the same exact picture.

Uh-huh, I know. Yeah.

No, see this one was taken by Jeff Garlin.

And this one was taken by Misty May-Treanor.

And then, this one is
taken by Dwayne Johnson.

Really? You sure about that?

Yeah, you can see his finger
in the sh*t a little bit.

- And it's huge. So...
- Yes.

All right, come on, picture! Let's go!

Smile.

- Yay! Thanks. 'Kay, bye.
- Thanks. OK, bye.

Hey, Moisies, would you like
to play with some props, maybe?