03x16 - Western Show

[bunniefuu]

And this is
the hallway.

A long corridor
that students can use

to mosey from
class to class.

I know what
a hallway is, Laritate.

Right. Sorry.

Uh, Superintendent Clanton,

it's just that
I'm a little nervous.

Your surprise school inspection
caught me totally off-guard.

Yes, that's
the surprise part.

You'll be fine as long as you've
been running a shipshapehip.

[font color="# "][playing out-of tune][/font]

Oh, hey. I just joined the
school's one-man marching band.

We don't have a
one-man marching band, Max.

I can see why,
'cause I sound terrible.

See you guys later.

Unsafe use of
musical instruments.

I can explain that.

Actually, I can't.

Quick, Justin.
Say something amazing.

An object in motion
tends to stay in motion

unless acted upon by an
external, unbalanced, force.

Good enough.

Let's get you out of here while
that's still fresh in your mind.

Out of my way, people.
Coming through!

Alex, what is going on?

Don't you remember?
It's Roller Skates and Pie Day.

I've been planning this
for months.

Roller Skates
and Pie Day?

What kind of a rusty freighter
are you running, Captain?

Don't worry. I'll pull in the
reins on this cattle drive.

- Alex, come back here.
- Nope!

This is not
a good time for this.

Look...

...what you did!

You know, the fact that
I don't know who you are

makes this even
more satisfying.

And interestingly enough,
that was a perfect example

of the law
I was just describing.

The object in motion...
Stay with now, her...

Not now with
the nerd stuff, Justin.

Laritate, you have obviously
lost control of the helm.

And it seems that
this young sailor here

may be the iceberg
that sinks your Titanic.

[font color="# "][giggles][/font] Oh, that's very sweet
of you to say. Thank you.

Laritate, as you know,
it is the job of the principal

to control his students

and sink their spirit
whenever possible.

If you're not up to the task,

I have no choice but to
relieve you of your command.

- What a you saying?
- I'm saying...

...stand down
from the bridge.

Are you saying I should
get out of the saddle?

That's horsefeathers!

I'm sorry. I don't know
what that means.

Oh, for gosh sakes,
he just fired you,

and he's upset
about it.

You're making a very huge
mistake, Superintendent Clanton.

Would it make you feel better
if I gave you a goodbye pie?

I'm in no mood,
Miss Russo.

It's lemon meringue.

Thank you.

Keep moving, deckhands.
Get to class.

Iceberg alert.

Hello,
Superintendent Clanton.

You know, I was thinking
of funny things I could do

that'd drive you crazy.
But then I thought,

"Alex, why not give
the poor guy a break?"

So I baked you
this cake instead.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh...
Mmm-hmm...

Ah! The ol'
fish-in-the-cake bit.

Yum. I like to eat
the middle first, too.

I'm on to you, Russo.

I used to be a gym teacher.
Do you know what that means?

It means I was
kicked out of the Navy.

That's right.

Four and a half weeks
of basic training,

so you don't
scare me one bit.

[font color="# "][clears throat][/font] Ahoy there,
Superintendent Clanton.

Hello, barnacle.

I would just like to welcome
you, sir, to our school

with a basket full
of fruits and bath oils,

courtesy of the Student Body
President and future valedictorian.

No, thank you.

I have no respect for students
who use their good grades

and stellar behavior
to curry favor with authority.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

My word. What is
that on your head?

That would be his
mashed potato helmet.

Correction, Alex, it was
my mashed potato helmet.

At some point during my walk to
school it became my bug helmet.

Need I remind
you students

things are different now
that Laritate is gone.

Behavior like yours
will no longer be tolerated.

And to prove
that I mean business,

I'm amplifying my voice
with this bullhorn.

Now drop
and give me .

All of you.

All right, look.
I'll give you bucks,

'cause the whole workout
thing isn't really my scene.

Just do the push-ups, sailor.

If you have to,

you can do the girly version
like your brother.

It allows me to do
more reps for tone.

We need to get
Mr. Laritate back.

He likes my fish cake.

Once, he threw away the
cake and ate the fish.

Keep going, mashed potato-head.

- Hey, how was school?
- Horrible.

Look at how our new principal's
making everybody dress.

I mean, how are we
supposed to tell

the weirdos from the losers?

I think I could
make that work, don't you?

No. It's hideous.

OK, but I'm asking if
it's acceptable for me

to wear young people's clothes.

Ah, greetings and
salutations darling mother.

Honorable father.

Would any of you care
for a nutritious snack?

Max? Are you feeling OK?

Never better, actually.

Our new principal's
strict rules and dress codes

have taken the guesswork
out of my life.

I feel so much
more focused now.

Can we please agree to leave
the pillows as we found them?

Thank you very much.

Jerry. There's something
seriously wrong with our son.

Isn't it great?

No, it's not great.

Look what I found
in his backpack.

Jerry, those are
college brochures.

I know.
I can't pay for that.

You cannot just leave here
wearing a mashed potato helmet

and come sauntering back in
wanting to go to college.

Alex, I heard at the hobby shop
that Mr. Laritate took a new job

at some place called, huh,

Wild Bill's Western Round-Up
and Tent Rental.

That's great. We've got to get
down there and convince him

to come back to school.
Come on, Max.

I don't think so, Alex.

With my new appreciation
of law and order,

I'd much rather stay home and
conform to the rules of society.

OK.

Mr. Laritate, we really need
to talk to you right now.

Howdy, buckaroos.

Can I interest you in a ride
on one of my prized broncos?

No, this is important.
See, the thing is...

Seriously, I can't talk to you
unless you're riding the horses

or renting the tent.

Whoa, whoa! I was gonna
get on that short one.

- Go.
- You know I'm afraid of heights!

Westward ho!

All right, what did you
need to talk to me about?

You need to come back
to Tribeca Prep.

Superintendent Clanton's the
worst. He's not afraid of Alex,

he doesn't find me charming,
he's making Max make sense,

which is...
It's all backwards!

I'd like to help you kids,
but, unfortunately,

I'm finally living the life
I was meant to live.

As a part-time employee of
Wild Bill's Western Round-Up?

Yes. Take a look around.

The life of the cowboy.

Where men can be men and
the stallions can roam free

along the wide open plain.

Who am I kidding? This is
nothing like the Old West.

Just a tent in a parking lot.

Unfortunately, I was born
at the wrong time in history.

Working here at Wild Bill's is as close
as I'll ever get to living my dream.

Woo-hoo! This is fun.

I'm gonna
call you Scout.

Yeah...

There's just no place for me
in this modern world

with its creamy-licious
coffee drinks

and its crazy doo-wop music.

I'd like to help you kids,
but I'm sorry, I can't.

? Who's the best
pony in the world? ?

? Scout is, Scout is ?

- ? Scout, yes you are ?
- Justin!

I think I made
a new friend.

Right. Uh... OK, OK!

If we can figure out a way
to prove to Mr. Laritate

that his life wouldn't
be better if he were a cowboy,

then that's what we need to do.

- Wait a minute. I have an idea.
- OK.

I'm gonna go
to the Sub Station.

You get Mr. Laritate to come
there when his shift is done.

So, uh, where are those musky
aftershaves you promised me?

I'll get them in just
a second, Mr. Laritate.

Wait right here.

OK, He's here.
What's the plan?

Watch.

Say good night
out like a light

[font color="# "][snores][/font]

I hope you have more
to your plan than this.

Old West, right away
Yippie-yi-ki-yay

[font color="# "][ragtime music plays][/font]

You brought us back
to the Old West!

Yes, so that Mr. Laritate can
see that living in the Old West

Then he'll let go of this
crazy dream once and for all,

and want to be our
principal again.

Alex.
What did you do?

Yeah, I was just hiding Max's
textbooks when, all of a sudden,

I'm in this
ridiculous outfit.

Although I do like
this corset.

Yeah, why didn't
I get one of those?

Don't worry. We're doing something that'll
teach our principal a valuable lesson.

You mean the guy passed out
on the floor over there?

Yes, and when he comes to,
everybody just act westerny.

I don't know how
to act westerny.

Just say "Howdy, pardner"
and "I reckon" a lot.

I call the word,
"varmint."

[font color="# "][groans][/font]

Oh, what happened?

- What's going on?
- You're having a dream.

Oh, my gosh, I am.

I'm dreaming about
being in the Old West.

And, look, I'm the sheriff.

[font color="# "][clears throat][/font]
Uh, yes, well...

Now that you're here,
pardner,

you can see
that the Old West

is a terrible place
to live, pardner.

There's no vending machines,
no air conditioning,

and no microwavable
popcorn... pardner.

And, look, there's only
two things on the menu.

I reckon you want to
get out of here right now,

- I reckon.
- Pardner.

Are you kidding?

Coyote cutlets
and possum-tail soup.

I'll have one of each.
Range and Strange!

Great! He's loving all this.
Now what are we gonna do?

Don't worry.

I'll create an evil villain that'll
scare the Old West out of him.

Bad, bad Leroy Brown,
run Laritate out of town.

Hey, why did everybody get
so quiet all of a sudden?

My listenin' holes tell me

there's a
new sheriff in town.

Superintendent Clanton?

I don't know what
fancy words yer hurlin',

but the name's
Old Man Clanton.

Has been since
I was years old.

Know why?

'Cause I took down
my old man.

Now, you best skedaddle,
law man.

Or I reckon you might be
answerin' to this here

g*ng of outlaws,
hooligans

and assorted yahoos.

Oh, my gosh.

He knows more cowboy words
than I do.

You were right. There's
no way Laritate's gonna

want to stay here
with these guys.

What's the matter?
Ya yellow-bellied?

No.

Are you yellow-bellied?

No.

Are you?

Oh, well, this could
take forever.

Mr. Laritate?
Um... Oh!

What's that, Sheriff?

You think that vest makes
Old Man Clanton look like a

dumb... cactus... buzzard?

What? I didn't say...

Listen here, law man.

Nobody,
and I mean nobody

calls me a dumb cactus...
buzzard?

...buzzard and
gets away with it.

Get him, boys!

[font color="# "][all shouting, grunting][/font]

[font color="# "][up-tempo music plays][/font]

[font color="# "][crashing][/font]

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my goodness.
Total lawlessness.

[font color="# "][Max][/font] Excuse me.

Total lawlessness!

- [font color="# "][laughs][/font]
- [font color="# "][all shouting][/font]

Oh, my gosh.
Mr. Laritate won.

I... I can't believe it.
Is it over?

Yep, it's over.

Hot smoke and sassafras!

Looks like those dudes
picked on the wrong cow.

I realize I just
called myself a cow,

but I'm in too good
of a mood to care.

It looks like my plan
to get Laritate

to hate the Old West
didn't work.

You were right, Mr. Laritate.

You were meant to
be a cowboy after all.

You bet your
Mexican blankets I was.

He's never gonna come back
to Tribeca Prep with us now.

Come on, let's go.

Wait. I don't want
to stay here.

You don't?

I horsewhipped the outlaws
of the Old West.

I got my gumption back.

Now I need to take care of
the outlaws of the modern day.

Just as soon as I wake up
from this glorious dream.

Modern day, right away
Yippie-yi-ki-yay

Now, you listen,
Clanton.

I've got something to say.

I'm the principal
of this school,

and I aim to stake my claim
and take my job back.

You can't just barge in here

and bully your way back
into your job, Laritate.

This isn't the Old West.

Or is it? Posse!

Cute. Now go change,
you're out of uniform.

No. These are
our uniforms.

Oh... Disobeying orders.

You all have detention.

Well, you're gonna have to put
the entire school in detention,

because everybody in school's
wearing western wear.

No, don't look.
Just take my word for it.

Yeah, take her
word for it,

because we're
all behind Laritate.

You...

You're turning
everyone against me.

Just like Chief Petty Officer
Gunther did

back in basic training
in the Navy.

Who cares if I wouldn't share
the cupcakes in my foot locker!

Mommy sent them to me!

Are we having cupcakes?

Vamoose, Clanton.

That's right.

You can catch the :
to Cupcakeville.

Pardner!

You're all meanies.

You can have this job.

Abandon ship!

You know what
your problem is, Clanton?

When things get tough,
you give up.

I could never do that
to these kids.

When the going gets rough,

this cowboy sticks around
and goes down with the ship.

And, occasionally,
we don't go down.

Not today.

I found his cupcakes.