04x14 - My What Big Ears You Have

[bunniefuu]

I'm sorry I missed your call
last night, Louise...

but Darrin took me to the antique
show at the Barkley Hotel.

Who took who?

Oh, yes. Oh, it was fascinating.

You know that bentwood rocker
I've been looking for?

Well, I found a really beautiful one.

But just my luck, it was sold.

Darrin?

Oh, yeah, he enjoyed the show too.

Especially when he found out
I couldn't buy the rocker.

- Yes.
- Good morning, Durwood.

Sam, she's doing it again.

Louise, Mother just popped in...

so I'm afraid I'll have to hang up.

Goodbye.

Mother, why are you always
doing that to Darrin?

Oh, I don't know. It's like eating
peanuts. You can't stop.

Endora, I don't know what I'd do
without you, but I'd rather.

Darrin, please...

Oh, I don't mind. He always has
a chip on his shoulder.

It comes from his head.

Stop it. Stop it, both of you.

Why can't you two try
and get along?

Hello.

Yes, he is. Just a minute.

- It's for you.
- Who is it?

It's a lady.
She didn't give her name.

Naturally.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Mr. Stephens...

this is Alice Swanton
at the antique show.

You were interested in that
bentwood rocker for your wife?

Oh, yes. Let me jot that down.

- I'll take it in the den.
- Want a pencil? Here's one.

No, I wanted a pen. I mean,
I have to refer to some papers.

There goes a guilty man
if I ever saw one.

Okay, honey. I got it.

Oh, don't hang up.
I wanna hear this.

Samantha.

Mother, marriage is a poor excuse
for snooping.

Well, if you ask me, this is
a poor excuse for a marriage.

You mean that rocker's available?
I thought it was sold.

It was, but the woman who
bought it changed her mind.

What a break for me.

I'm so glad, because I know
your wife fell in love with it.

It'll be a wonderful surprise.

You and your ridiculous
mortal code.

Mother, you are not
going to pick up that phone.

Very well, but you can't
stop me from listening.

I hope it wasn't awkward,
my calling you at home.

Not at all. My wife's
not the suspicious type.

Well, when can you come over?

- I'll drop by on my way to work.
- Will you have time?

For something like this,
I'll make time.

Mother, that's enough.

I'd say that's more than enough.

Samantha, you're such a child
in matters like this.

I suppose you won't believe it
until he brings her home.

Don't be absurd.

Now, watch him come in here
and lie.

Darrin has never lied to me.

He's never had any reason
to lie, because...

Are my ears burning
because I have a fever...

or because Guess Who's talking
about me?

That's a splendid idea.

What?

What's the idea?

I'm going to test your confidence
in this marvellous mortal of yours.

Lumpkin

Pumpkin

Spider's eye

If this mortal he doth lie
Whether told to friend or told to foe

Each lie will cause his ears to grow

- Mother.
- Well, what's the difference?

If he doesn't lie,
nothing will happen.

You take that spell off him.

Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.

Are my ears burning
because I have a fever...

or because Guess Who's
been talking about me?

I was wondering who that was
on the phone.

The phone?

Oh, as a matter of fact, it was
a substitute secretary at the office...

telling me about an appointment
that had been changed.

Well, I gotta get going. See you all.

Substitute secretary.

Substitute for what?

Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

Isn't it a lovely day?

Yes, it is.

Mr. Stephens,
did you just get a haircut?

No. Why?

Because you... You look so nice.

Thank you, Mrs. Kravitz.
So do you.

Mrs. Kravitz,
I wonder if you would mind...

if I had something delivered to
your house. It's a surprise for my wife.

What is it, her birthday
or an anniversary?

- Neither.
- Just like that?

Isn't that nice.

Believe me, a lot of men
could take lessons from you...

particularly the one I'm married to.

Now, that's what I call a husband.

Thank you.

Not you. Mr. Stephens.

They don't even have an occasion,
and he's buying her a surprise...

for no reason at all.

Now, why don't you
do something like that?

You see how you misjudge
a person?

It so happens I just
bought you a surprise.

You did? Where is it?

Right there in the garage.
You wanna see it?

I'm so excited. Oh, it's so big.

Oh, I just... No, no.

What is it? What is it?

- What is it?
- A table saw.

A table saw?

You know something?
You're crazy.

- Don't you want it?
- I should say not.

Okay, I'll use it myself.

- Are you sure you can deliver it today?
- Oh, certainly.

Now, our neighbours will
most likely be home.

But in case they're not,
you can leave it in their garage.

Here you are.

I wonder if there's any way
of wrapping something that big?

What?

But... Certainly.

Yes, I could have that delivered
in a furniture carton.

Thank you.

Are you going uptown
by any chance?

Yes, I am. May I give you a lift?

Yes. I have to get up
to my shop for a while.

Okay.

Mr. Stephens, I've just
got to ask you something.

What is it?

Did you ever do any prizefighting?

Hazel Carter. How will
I ever explain you to her?

I beg your pardon?

She has a very suspicious mind.

If I tell her about the rocker,
there goes the surprise.

Well, can't you just ask her
not to say anything?

Are you kidding?
Western Union takes from her.

Maybe we can slip out.

No, no. Now, why take a chance?

I'll go make a phone call,
and I'll meet you outside. Okay?

Well, thanks.

Hazel, what are you doing here?

Oh, hello, Darrin.
Going to the antique show.

- Who was that?
- Who was who?

That very attractive
young lady you...

Have you been stung by a bee?

- What?
- Oh, nothing.

Who did you say she was?

A client of McMann & Tate,
the firm I work for.

- What's the matter?
- Your ears.

My ears? My ears!

Oh, what's happened?

Excuse me. I have to go.
Something's come up.

- It certainly has.
- I mean, it's an emergency.

Yeah, 10 minutes. Bye-bye.

Excuse me.

Mr. Stephens had to leave.
An emergency came up.

He said to apologize.

So you're a client
of McMann & Tate?

McMann and who?

That's what I thought.

Darrin, please.
Will you stop screaming?

I can't understand a word.

Sam, can't you understand English?
My ears. My ears are growing.

I'm baking a cake.
Is there anything else?

Somebody put a spell on me.

Why are you always looking
for someone to blame?

What?

- You don't think I'm responsible.
- Could be.

I've got a meeting with Larry and
a client who's hanging by a thread.

I've been working on
the presentation for weeks.

How can I go to the office like this?

Oh, you're not at the office?

No, I stopped somewhere
on the way.

There's someone at the door.
I have to go. Goodbye.

Sam? Sam?

- Oh, hello, Hazel.
- Hi, Samantha.

The envelopes
for the Community Chest drive.

- I thought you were gonna mail them.
- Well, I decided to drive by...

- and save the postage.
- What?

How's Darrin?

Fine.

No, I mean his ears.

You saw them? Him?

Well, I ran into him at the Barkley
Hotel, and we started talking...

and, well, suddenly they started
to sort of bloom.

What were you and he
talking about?

Well, he was with this person...

and I asked him
who this person was...

and he told me,
and his ears blew up.

Was it a man or a woman?

- Who?
- This person.

Oh, well, I really didn't notice.

Oh, come on, Hazel.

Very well, Samantha. But remember,
I didn't volunteer the information.

Sam? Sam, where are you?

Right here. What is it?

What is it? What do you think?

Look. And I finally figured it out.

Your mother put a spell on me this
morning. Now, where is the old hag?

Darrin, that is no way
to refer to my mother.

I know, but I'm trying to be polite.

I have no idea where she is.

You're being awfully cool
about this whole thing.

- Don't you realize the spot I'm in?
- Oh, I realize it...

but I'm not sure you do.

- What?
- Darrin...

- where did you go this morning?
- I went to...

I stopped in to see a client.

I can't believe my ears.

Yours? What about mine?

Hello?

- Where the devil are you?
- I'm home.

I know that, idiot.

What about our appointment with
Grayson? He'll be here any minute.

Larry, I'm not in any condition
to come to the office today.

I'm afraid you'll have
to carry the ball yourself.

Are you crazy? What do I know
about the presentation?

- You've done all the work on it.
- I'm not well.

- Are you dying?
- No.

- Then get in here.
- Larry, I'm really sorry.

Sorry won't feed the bulldog...

or your wife and child.
Now, are you coming?

No.

Then I'll bring Grayson out there.

But, Larry, you can't do that. Larry?

Larry, come back.

They're coming over here.
What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna say?

Are you just gonna sit there?

Aren't you gonna help me?

If I were a mortal woman,
I wouldn't lift a finger.

But luckily for you,
I'm above that sort of thing.

Or I'm supposed to be.

Let me think.

First, we'll need a beehive.

Yeah. Right.

A beehive?

And I'm very happy to meet you,
Mr. Grayson. Darrin's on the patio.

Thanks, Sam.
This way, Mr. Grayson.

Just remember,
I've got a plane to catch.

Hello?

What...?

What's that getup for?

I'm just working with my bees.
It's a hobby of mine.

- Since when?
- I took it up very recently.

Nice to see you, Mr. Grayson.

Nice to see you, Stephens,
so to speak.

Darrin, it's Mrs. Kravitz.
She insists upon speaking to you.

Well, honey, I can't talk to her now.
I'm busy. Take a message.

No! She might take offence.
Excuse me.

Darrin, Mr. Grayson
has to catch a plane.

He hates to hurt anybody's feelings.

He doesn't seem
to care about mine.

- Yes, Mrs. Kravitz?
- Oh, I just wanted to tell you...

they delivered your present.
It's in the garage.

My, what a big box.

It's a rocking chair.

Oh, isn't that nice,
a rocking chair.

Yes. Thanks very much,
Mrs. Kravitz.

I'll be over and pick it up later.

And when I see your wife,
I'll tell her what Abner gave me...

and then she'll know
what a gem she's got.

Her husband doesn't buy her
an idiotic present like a table saw.

Let's get out of that
ridiculous outfit...

and let's get down to business.
Now, let's see...

Now, are you gonna take that off?

- Larry, I can't.
- Why not?

Because of his allergy.
He's allergic to bees.

Yes, and I can't take the chance
in case...

In case one of his bees is loose.

- That's right.
- If you're that allergic...

why on earth
did you pick this hobby?

Well, you really don't pick a hobby,
it sort of picks you.

Know what I mean?

No.

For Pete's sake,
let's get on with this.

- Right.
- I'll go make some coffee.

Now, here's a logo that we think
should replace your present one.

It's very good for colour television.

Although, it reproduces very well
in black and white.

If you'll just make those
amendments...

we'll have a basis
for further conversations.

Thank you, sir. I'm sorry
if I inconvenienced you.

What did you think
of that idea of his?

The guy in the beekeeper's
mask saying:

"Don't set stung, buy Grayson's."

He was just joking.

- I liked it.
- It's a terrific idea.

A satisfactory explanation?

- You're kidding!
- It's not for me.

I trust you implicitly,
in spite of my doubts.

But Mother will not take off
that spell until you explain.

Suppose you explain to me...

what gives your mother the right
to bug my telephone calls.

Darrin, how can I explain
my mother?

That's true.

Besides, you did lie
about everything.

Suppose I've got
a logical explanation?

That's all Mother's asking for.

I'm sorry, but this is urgent.
Mr. Stephens...

That's marvellous.
That is marvellous.

Sweetheart, don't worry about her.

We have a bigger problem.

Now, about that explanation.

Okay, but you're gonna feel
awfully foolish.

I hope so.

I wanted it to be a surprise, but...

You know that rocker
you were so wild about?

I bought it for you.

Oh, Darrin, you didn't.

I left my name with the dealer...

and she called this morning
to tell me it was available.

That was the woman
that Hazel saw me with.

Oh, my goodness.

You were right, I do feel foolish.

I bought it to make you feel good.

Well, I feel good and foolish.

I can't wait to tell Mother.

Oh, marvellous.

Keep that up and you'll be able
to go sailing in a canoe.

Wait until I tell you about
the chair Darrin bought me.

I heard. Do you believe
all that rubbish?

- What rocker? Where is it?
- For your information...

it's sitting right across the street
in Mrs. Kravitz's garage.

A likely story.

Mother, if Darrin says
that's where it is...

Sam, let's not argue
with Miss Know-It-All.

Follow me. Come on.

Come on.

Gladys, you're hysterical again
and there's no reason.

Tomorrow I'll call the store...

and tell them they took
Mr. Stephens' carton by mistake.

And they'll bring it back
and take the table saw.

There you are.
Wait a minute, hon.

You're still positive
there's no rocker in there?

I say you're bluffing.

In that case, would you
like to make a wager?

Darrin, don't you think getting
your ears back to normal is enough?

Honey, please. For the first time
in years, I've got her over a barrel.

If I'm right, would you like to take
a little trip, for about a year?

And if you're wrong...

- you'll do the same?
- Absolutely.

- Darrin.
- Please, honey, don't worry.

Goodbye, Endora.

Bon voyage, Dumbo.

And while he's gone, you and I
are going to live it up for a change.

Something's terribly wrong.
I've gotta get a hold of Mrs. Kravitz.

First, get a hold of yourself.

I thought I heard somebody
out here.

- What are you wearing that for?
- I've gotta talk to your wife.

Well, you can't. I just gave her
a sedative, and she's out like a light.

Going to a costume party?

Yes. No. When will she wake up?

Not until tomorrow if I'm lucky.
Boy, was she hysterical.

I told her they'd bring
your carton back tomorrow.

I've gotta talk to her right now.

"My carton"?

I guess I shouldn't have
said anything.

Tell her what was in the carton.

Not me.
I don't wanna spoil the surprise.

It was a rocking chair, wasn't it?

You spoiled your own surprise.

That's okay, Mr. Kravitz. We've
already had a few surprises today.

Tell Mrs. Kravitz
I hope she feels better.

Oh, she'll be all right.
It all happened...

when she came back from
your house screaming about your...

Would you do me a favour,
just for my own peace of mind?

Take that off.

Yes.

Well, that does it.
Back she goes to the psychiatrist.

I may not wait till she wakes up.

You're never wrong, huh?

Suddenly, I find this whole affair
incredibly boring. I'm leaving.

- For a year?
- Oh, don't be absurd.

Do you know what your mother is?
A welsher.

She's got the character
of a worm, and furthermore...

And furthermore,
why don't we go home...

and take advantage of her absence,
even though it's only temporary?

I still say that...

that is the best idea
I've heard today.

Tabatha's asleep.

Good.

And it only took two choruses
of "Three Blind Mice."

Oh, Darrin.
Oh, this chair is a dream.

To me, it was a nightmare.

I'm sorry.

I can't get over your thinking I was
fooling around with that antique dealer.

Well, she is a very attractive woman,
don't you think?

Believe me, I never gave her
a second thought.

Really?

You don't understand, Sam.

I don't look at other women, because
you're the one woman in the world...

What's the matter?

All I can say is:

Mother!

Mother!

- Why bother her?
- What?

Watch.

Darrin...

I don't think
that's the least bit funny.

Well, I got a good laugh when
I put them on at the joke shop.