05x05 - A Crowded Romance

[bunniefuu]

( Theme song playing )

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waiting for you ♪

♪ We've been waiting for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too. ♪

If you're trying to fly,
you gotta flap a lot faster.

You know what, jack?

It wouldn't hurt you to do
some of these wake-up exercises.

I'm sorry, janet, I already did

20 Hair combs and two
sets of teeth brushing.

I don't want to over-train.
Hut-one, hut-two!

I hate when you do that.

I'm so sorry. They have a
mind of their own sometimes.

- Come on, behave.
- Sorry.

You could try one of these, something
simple like, like the lung expander.

- The what?
- Lung expander,
really simple.

You draw in a
really deep breath,

And when you've taken
in all the air you can,

You force yourself to take
two more quick ones, all right?

( Breathing quickly )

( Inhaling slowly )

Ahh...

This really helps
develop the breathing.

I know, I'm breathing
faster already.

Oh, jack! Go make yourself
useful and make some coffee.

No, janet, I gotta go.

- I gotta see a guy
about a job.
- A job?

- Is it a chef's job?
- No.

I may be taking over for a friend
of mine at a department store.

- He's going back east
for a couple of weeks.
- A department store?

- Yeah.
- Doing what?

Uh, nothing much.
Just... Well, tell me.

Janet, it's just a job.

Jack, what kind of a job?

( Clears throat )

I'm not gonna tell
you. You'll just laugh.

I won't laugh.

- Yes, you will.
- Jack, I will not laugh.

( Clears throat )
all right, uh...

I may take over for this guy

In the front window of
crougar's department store

As a mechanical man.

- I knew you would.
- ( Janet's muffled speech )

This isn't laughing.

No, this is an exercise
for lip muscles.

Are you seriously going
to take a job as a dummy?

Not a dummy, janet...
A mechanical man.

Well, what's the difference?

How many dummies do you
know that make 400 a week

Standing in a store window?

Four hundred dollars?

Yeah, that's why I'm
dying to get this job.

Four hundred dollars just
for getting people's attention.

Janet, I pretend like
I'm a mechanical man,

And all I have to do is point to
what's on sale in the window with me.

- What's that gonna be?
- I don't know, but I'm hoping
it'll be a mechanical woman.

- Ya-ya-ya...
- ( Janet gasps )

Aren't you embarrassed that
maybe your friends will see you?

- Moi?
- Uh-huh.

- Well, actually yes.
- Yes.

But I'm gonna have on so much makeup,
my own mother won't recognize me.

I bet she wouldn't want to.

That would make
her a dummy mummy.

Well, yo mama
doesn't seem to mind.

- I'll see you.
- Hey, jack, good luck.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

Jack, my man, great news!

Larry, no time. I'll
talk to you later.

But wait, wait, jack! I
gotta tell somebody.

Girls, I've got
incredible news. Chrissy?

You're gonna have to yell a
lot louder than that, larry.

She's away visiting her
parents out of town.

Oh, okay, janet,
then I'll tell you.

Thank you.

Now, promise not to
say anything to jack.

- This is something I want
to tell him personally.
- Okay, I promise.

When you hear this, janet,
you are gonna fall over.

For the first
time, I am in love.

Well?

Instead of falling over, larry,
is it okay if I just lean a little?

- Oh, come on, janet.
- No, you come on!

The only news here is that
it happens to be tuesday.

You usually fall in love for the first
time on mondays, wednesdays and fridays.

All right, all right,
I've cried wolf before,

But this girl is different.

I've given this relationship enough
time to know that this is the real thing.

Oh, how long is that, larry?
Your usual two drinks?

Janet, come on. This
one's no flash in the pan.

We've been going
together since yesterday.

Congratulations.

You've now made it through
your first anniversary.

I know.

Now look, janet,
what I want you to do,

I want you to send my baby
a fantastic floral tribute.

You know, orchids,
roses, the works.

Ah, here, use it all.

Really?

You sure you want me to
use the whole five bucks?

I get the wholesale
price, don't i?

Just make sure you send her
something that'll give her a thrill.

Larry, for $5, the best I can do

Is send her something
that'll give her hay fever.

- Okay, okay, here's
ten more, all right?
- Okay.

- There's the address and what
I want written on the card.
- Okay.

"My love to twinkie"?

"From sweet cheeks"?

Twinkie and sweet cheeks?

Yeah, see?

Kind of cute, isn't it?

I feel like I should
go brush my teeth.

Larry, what's the girl's name?
There's only an address written here.

Twinkie.

She didn't tell
you her last name?

We didn't talk that much.

Besides, uh, I'm going to
change her name anyway.

Are you going to marry her?

Janet, when you meet miss right,

The one you have waited
for your entire life,

You go all the way.

Yeah, larry, but are
you gonna marry her?

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'll make
sure she gets the bouquet.

Now listen, janet. This is
just between us, all right?

- Okay.
- I don't want anyone
to know about twinkie.

- You promise?
- I promise, larry.

- But if she's miss right...
- She is.

I'm giving up all the
others. This girl's the one!

But in case she's not, I don't want
anyone thinking I'm out of circulation.

Uh-huh, yes.

Yes. No, I understand. A
mixed bouquet. Uh-huh.

Oh, I think that'd
be very nice. Oh, yes.

- Excuse me, miss. Can you help me?
- Just a second, please.

No, no, delivery's
not a problem.

- 3:30 Today would be...
- Miss, I'm in a terrible hurry.

Just one little second. Yes, could
you give me the name and address?

- Miss, I really can't wait.
- Could you hold on
for just a second?

- What can I do for you?
- Change for the parking meter.

Sure.

( Cash register dings )

There you go. And when you come
back, I'll give you very good help.

Oh, I'm not coming back.
I'm shopping next door.

I didn't want to bother
them. They're so busy.

Ciao.

Oh, sir, gosh, I'm sorry to
keep you waiting so long.

Could you give me that
name and address now?

Hello? H...

- Oh.
- Ah!

- Ah!
- Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm very sorry.
What can I do for you?

I was looking for something
nice in a house plant.

Oh, golly, we have some
terrific dieffenbachia,

And we got some new
scheffleras in that are absol...

- Janet, listen, listen!
- What?

- Hey, I was here first.
- No, I just wanted to...

Just get in line!

Now, what plant
would you recommend?

- It depends on
where you put it.
- I got the job.

- Do you mind?
- What job?

Do you mind?

It depends on what room you're
gonna put it in, if it has enough light.

Miss!

It's the dummy job!
You're the dummy!

- I'm the what?
- No, no!

Not dummy, janet. If I
hear that one more time...

- A mechanical man,
not dummy, okay?
- Okay, jack,

I will get it right. I will call you
mechanical man if you do me a favor.

I gotta get this bouquet delivered
this afternoon. My delivery boy is sick.

- Will you take it?
- Sure.

- Look, miss.
- Look, I just have to get
this out first, okay?

The first thing you
have to get out is me.

Right. Jack, this is her card.

"To twinkie from sweet cheeks"?

What, are you taking
orders from chipmunks?

This guy is a little squirrelly.

- Well, I'm on my way.
- Thank you.

I'm a paying customer, and you're
giving all your attention to that dummy!

I am not a dummy!

I'll see you.

He was next.

Janet!

Janet, you angel.

I am in love.

Why, jack, darlin',
after all this time.

Not you.

- Hey, are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

Well, jack, tell me! Who, who?

You sound like an owl. As a
matter of fact, you look like an owl.

Oh, jack, come on.
Tell me, who is it?

It's that girl I delivered
those flowers to.

Twinkie?

I call her "bunny."

- Bunny?
- You know, as cute as a...

Don't you think
it sounds better?

Oh, definitely. Twinkie's
such a silly name.

I spent the whole
afternoon with her.

Janet, this girl is
beautiful, kind, charming.

And taken, jack.
Don't forget taken.

I mean, what about the guy who
sent the bouquet, sweet cheeks?

Janet, who'd want to go around
with a guy named sweet cheeks?

Once we met, it was
all over for him.

This girl is wonderful and she's
mine, and janet, I have you to thank.

- No, please don't thank me.
- ( Knocking )

- Are you...
- Oh, hey...

- I'm so happy.
- Oh.

Uh-uh, you're not
getting away this time.

I have got to tell
you something.

Larry, I got something to
tell you. I met the greatest girl.

That's what I was going to
tell you. I met the greatest girl.

You couldn't have.
My girl's the greatest.

Not as great as mine.

- Yes, she is.
- Yes, she is.

Larry, listen. Let
me tell you about...

No, no, no! First let
me tell you about mine!

Excuse me, I'm gonna go and
change my clothes. It's a little warm.

- It's not hot in here.
- It's going to be.

Janet, wait, wait, wait.
I want you to hear this.

- No, jack, I don't want...
- This girl is incred-ee-blay.

You know what her
main interest is? Cooking.

Can you imagine a woman
more perfect for me?

How about my little sweetheart?

When I told her I worked
in a car lot, she freaked.

She digs cars, loves
my talking about 'em.

It sounds like we both
found the perfect girl.

What incredible luck.

I'm so happy for you,
larry. Is she pretty?

Pretty? Ow!

She's gorgeous. She's
got reddish-brown hair.

Really? Mine's got brownish-red
hair. How about that?

How about that?

- If I didn't have mine,
I'd go after yours.
- Oh, yeah?

- Well, you'd have to
climb over me to do it.
- What are you talking about?

Oh!

I gotta get along now. My baby
and I are having an early dinner.

Oh, yeah? I got a date with my
girl tonight too: a late supper.

She's not going to go hungry.

Pardon me?

Oh, uh, nothing.
I didn't anything.

Oh, jack.

Lar.

We are two lucky guys.

Oh, lordy, janet.

Janet, janet, janet.

I'm so happy he's finally
found someone at last.

Whoo!

Well, I'm gonna go practice
my mechanical man routine.

Jack, jack, come here. I
have to talk to you, kind of...

- Get serious, please.
- Oh, sure.

I have to talk to you sort of
roommate-to-roommate about larry.

- Oh, sure.
- Okay, here it goes.

- Larry...
- Larry, he's a lucky guy.

Not as lucky as I am, but...

Go ahead. What about lar?

You forgot to tell
him about your new job.

No, janet, I didn't forget,
but it seemed so unimportant.

I mean, what's a $400-a-week job

Compared to meeting
the girl of my dreams?

- And janet...
- Huh?

You did it.

Oh, boy, janet,
you really did it.

Jack?

Jack, come on, get out of there.

It's almost noon!

- I'm coming.
- Well, hurry up!

Jack, you have just got
to get more sleep at night.

Don't be silly,
janet. I'm wide awake.

I'm just looking for
my sock. There it is. Oh!

( Snoring )

Jack! Wake up.

Come on, get up.
Sit up, come on.

I want to talk to you about
your new girlfriend, bunny.

Bunny, bunny, bunny.

Jack, you've been going
with her for over a week now.

Oh, she's wonderful
and she's mine.

Are you sure?

Why'd you say that?

Jack, did you ever
think that maybe

There was another
rabbit in bunny's life?

( Chuckles ) why would I
think a thing like that?

Well, for one thing,

You can only see her
from midnight till 3:00 a.m.

- I see her more than that.
- When?

Uh, well, uh,

10:00 Till 12:00 on
alternate tuesdays.

What does she do with
the rest of her time?

I guess she jogs a lot.

Every time I meet her,
she's out of breath.

I have to tell you
something about bunny, jack.

I should have told
you this a long time ago.

Janet, I think I know
what's going on here.

- You do?
- Yeah, you're jealous.

- I'm jealous?
- What else could it be?

You're trying to turn
me against my girl.

Jack, bunny has somebody else.

Hold it, janet.

Saying bunny's a two-timer.
How low can you go?

I wouldn't make
up a thing like that.

I have to go to work, and I don't
want to hear any more about bunny.

Fine, there won't be
any more talk about...

Eh!

About...

Don't be funny with bunny.

Jack, please, you
have to listen to me.

Bunny is not a two-timer. Do you
know how much class this girl has?

I'm even afraid to tell her
about working in a store window.

I don't think she'd date
a guy in show business.

- Oh, jack...
- I'll tell you something, janet.

If bunny were two-timing me,

You know, I would
break the guy in two.

- You would?
- You can count on it.

Hey!

Hey, larry, thanks for
the scare. I gotta go.

Wait a second, jack.
Hold it a second.

How's your new love?

She's fantastic.
How about your girl?

Terrific. As a matter of fact, I'm
gonna pick her up in a couple minutes.

- Oh, yeah? Where's she live?
- She lives over on...

Live, live, live? Is
that what matters?

Who cares about a thing
like where a girl lives?

I mean, really,
what does it matter?

You know, north or
south or east or west.

I mean, really, look, larry.

Did romeo ask juliet
where she lived? No.

Did samson ask delilah
what her address was? No.

Did, uh, did antony ask
cleopatra where she lived?

No. Oh, guys, don't you see?

Home is where the heart is.

Love has no address.

I'm sorry I asked.

- Jack, I want to
show you something.
- What?

- It's a picture
of my girl.
- Ohh!

- Ohh!
- Janet!

Oh, I feel so faint.
I need some water.

- She's faint. Water.
- Oh, get me some water.

- I'll get some water.
- Yeah, put her feet up.

Little by little.

- I'll be fine.
- Are you okay?

No, no, I'm going to be fine. Go
ahead and go to work. You'll be late.

- I can't leave you now.
- Yes, you can. You can leave me.

- Larry will take care of me.
- Are you sure?

- I'm sure, jack.
- But, janet...

- Go!
- I'm going.

- Janet?
- ( Groans )

- How are you?
- I'm fine, larry. How are you?

- You all right?
- Yeah, sure.

- Then what was
all that about?
- Well...

Oh, that. Oh.

I was just trying to get you
to get me a glass of water.

Thank you.

Where was jack going
to in such a hurry?

Oh, he had to get
down to his job.

Jacko's got a job? Doing what?

Oh, larry.

I wasn't supposed to tell.

Oh, he got this job
down at crougar's

Working in the front
window as a mechanical man.

- Jack?
- Yes.

But please don't tell. He
doesn't want anybody to know.

Jack in crougar's
window? This I gotta see.

Oh, hey, wait, larry,
please. I want to talk

To you about your
new girlfriend twinkie.

What a great idea.
I'll bring twinkie along.

- She's never met him.
- No, wait!

- A mechanical man.
- Wait a minute...

When he takes one look
at my gorgeous twinkie,

He's gonna pop his main spring.

Come back, oh!

( Phone ringing )

Hi, hello.

Chrissy, hi! Folks okay?

Oh, good, good.

No, no, no, there's
nothing new here,

Except that jack and
larry have fallen in love.

No, chrissy, not
with each other.

But with the
same girl. Yes, yes.

And larry's taking that
girl and he's going down

To where jack is right
now to introduce them.

And I haven't got time to
be talking to you, chrissy.

I gotta get down there!

Oh, god.

Bye, chrissy!

( Horn honks )

I'm telling you, burt, he
isn't a man, he's a dummy.

I don't think so. Look again.

See? He's a machine. A
person doesn't move that way.

Did you ever look
at your brother?

- Larry:
you gotta see this guy.
- Woman: larry!

Sweet cheeks, I
don't understand.

Why are we at crougar's?

I thought we'd do a
little window shopping.

But I already have a window.

God, you're quick.

Well, what do you think of him?

He's a dummy.

I know, but he's also my friend.

Jack.

Jack, jack, jack,
jack, jack, jack.

This is my baby.

Jack.

Jack, I love her
and she loves me.

Watch.

I liked the sample.

How about a full serving?

Larry, let go of my girl!

What are you talking
about? This is my girl.

Are you nuts? She's
my girl. Tell him.

I'm not your girl. How
do you turn him off?

Don't you know me?

You're the guy in the window.

Bunny, it's me, cuddle cakes.

Why do you think this is
your girl? Twinkie's my girl.

Oh, my gosh.

It is cuddle cakes!

You know this guy?

Know me? We've been
going together for a week.

What, are you crazy? We've been
going together for a week and a day.

You keep away from my girl.

She's my girl. You
keep away from her.

Okay, all right. Hold it a second,
all right? We'll let twinkie decide.

No, we won't. We'll
let bunny decide.

All right, go ahead, pick one.

All right.

Well, larry, when I'm with you,

You're... You're everything
I could ever want.

- Eat your heart out.
- Hurt me.

And then jack comes
along and he's so cute,

Well... Well, he's
the one I want.

- Suffer.
- I'm in pain.

- But I thought
I was number one.
- So did i.

But I never said you were.

I really don't want to
lose either one of you.

But it can't go on like this.

That's what elliot said.

Right, elliot. Who's elliot?

- Well, he's my boyfriend.
- Both: your boyfriend?

Yes, he's been in the navy,
but he gets out tomorrow,

And, well, I really couldn't
manage four of you.

Wait a second. That's
only three of us.

Well, I have to
give up kenny too.

- Kenny?
- And then there's nick.

Oh, gosh, I forgot to tell him.

Will you boys excuse me? I
really have to go find nick.

- Nick.
- Kenny.

Both: elliot?

No wonder when I kissed her
she was too tired to pucker.

- Buddy, we've been had.
- ( Groans )

Say goodbye to our girl.

Lar, she's not your
girl, she's not my girl,

She belongs to the world.

You're right.

Well, let me go in there
and see if I still got a job.

Now wait a second, buddy.
Let me straighten your tie.

Oh, no, larry, please
don't choke him!

- He's innocent.
- What?

Oh, larry, please. There's a
thousand other girls in the...

Where's bunny? Or,
uh, twinkie? Uh, twinkie?

Bunny? Twinkie? Who are they?

The girl you're
madly in love with.

Oh, them.

For your information, janet,
we told her to take a walk.

Take a walk. Ha! Gave
her the old heave-ho.

- The old heave-ho.
- Really?

Yeah. Imagine, her trying
to pull off a stunt like that.

What does she take us
for, a couple of dummies?

What else?

Hi, jack. Hi, larry.

- Hi, janet.
- Hi.

Oh, guys, come on.

How long are you gonna mope over
this bunny twinkie? It's been days now.

- Who?
- Never heard of her.

Well, you're always saying
girls are just like buses.

There's another one
coming along every minute.

Yeah, but that last one
was awfully crowded.

Janet, we're no longer
interested in women.

- They're untrustworthy.
- Deceitful.

And a big waste of time.

Oh, really? Well, gosh.

In that case, I don't think
that I'll bother telling you

About the gorgeous redhead
staying with the thatchers.

I couldn't be less interested.

- Yeah, me neither.
- I didn't think so.

I really didn't, so I'm not gonna
mention that she's outside right now

Sunbathing in the teeniest
little string bikini I've ever seen.

Let me get that!

( Theme song playing )

John ritter: three's company was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.